Why did Bodhidharma come to the West? East?- Do I care?
Rambling on Issues That Are Current in My Life – 25/7/2019
Woke up this morning at 4:30 a.m. with a whole lot of negative vibes floating in my mind about life—and my place in it so far. No matter how deeply you think you’ve come to understand yourself—the workings of your mind, the psycho-emotional waves of consciousness—you may still find yourself completely thrown off balance. You have yet to touch the truth of your being.
Time and again, I slip back into depression, dejection, and the full dark weight of it all. It’s like sinking into a bog, clutching for dear life—just trying to stay afloat, physically if not mentally or spiritually.
In my younger days, this would be the exact kind of moment I’d get high. Or drunk. Or worse—think of ending it all. And I did try, at least twice. That’s what depression does. It swallows you whole. Many have lost that battle. Many still do. Especially those who dare to ask too many questions. Especially those who go looking too deeply into the meaning of life.
I haven’t been writing as much on my blog, not because I’ve run out of thoughts or ideas. No, I’m saturated. Saturated by everything happening around and within me. Sometimes I feel like stepping out of this time and space entirely—into the unknown. Just to be free from these repetitive, stale experiences that seem like echoes from the past, only more intense, more charged, more absurd.
Maybe it’s just old age. Maybe I’ve lost my resistance to all these invading thoughts and feelings. Maybe I’m still expecting miracles—even though I know miracles are rare, even for the enlightened.
What is bugging me?
I have a roof over my head.
A beautiful daughter and son, I love deeply.
A cat I care for.
I eat well.
And in the last eight months, I’ve completed almost twenty paintings, ready for a solo exhibition.
So what’s bugging me?
Maybe I’m hoping for too much.
Hoping for something to happen.
Hoping for... enlightenment?
That’s a joke. How can someone whose mind is like a yo-yo claim to be on the path to enlightenment?
I’ve spent most of my adult life chasing that state—the one the historical Buddha attained—only to now realize:
I was born enlightened.
As a child, I lived in that state.
It just got eroded as I grew.
Now I’m suicidal.
If I could end my life without being called a sinner or disrupting the lives of those closest to me, I probably would. One of my Zen teachers used to ask, “Is this all there is? Is this the peak of the mystic mountain?”
Well… what did I expect?
Before enlightenment: chop wood, fetch water.
After enlightenment: chop wood, fetch water.
Right now, what I really need is a good cup of Nescafe—black, with sugar.
The morning call to prayer just ended. It brings to mind my long, tangled history with religion. Especially with being a Muslim. I’ve struggled for most of my life with the discipline of praying five times a day. It's one of the Five Pillars, and I fall short. Because of that, I often feel like I’m not worthy to even call myself a Muslim.
But it’s not that I don’t believe in God. I do.
I believe in One Divine Being, and I worship this Being with every breath. My faith is real.
But I struggle with the form. With the performance. I’ve tried—praying in mosques, joining congregations—but I never felt at home in those spaces. Often, I’ve met devout Muslims who are arrogant, quick to judge, frowning at those they deem "lesser." That never brought me closer to God. It only deepened my sense of distance.
I worship my Lord in my own way.
And the fact that I wrestle with these questions—of faith, of worship—means that I still care. That my Lord is always on my mind, even in my doubts.
I know where I came from.
And I know I will return.
And yes, I will have much to answer for.
#RamblingReflections #DarkNightOfTheSoul #FaithAndDepression #CheeseburgerBuddha #SpiritualStruggle #IslamAndMe #EnlightenmentOrExhaustion #MidlifeReckoning #ZenAndTheYoYoMind #MorningCallToPrayer #StillSearching #DivineDiscomfort #RamblingsOfTheBrokenAwake
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