I woke up at 4;15 am. and sat on the bed addressing my Lord and Creator for forgiveness and Blessings on this my 73rd. birthday. I do this ritual between me and God just about every morning as soon as the 'Subuh' or morning call to prayer is heard from the State Mosque. I ask myself where have the 73 years been and answered that it has brought me here in this moment in space and time. I am grateful for the bonus of the number of years I have been blessed with and the relatively good health that I still am enjoying. Many of my peers have left for the Happy Hunting Ground reminding me that I too am approaching that age where the end of this physical existence can happen at any time and pray that when it happens I will be able to exit this stage with grace and dignity intact, Insha'Allah, God willing. I will not dwell on the past as this long and tedious Blog has done that, but I will look forward to what the future holds with greater zeal and zest and enthusiasm for if there be anything I have learned thus far it is that, life is too precious to be taken in vain. The best of times and the worse of times was upon pondering, seems to be as they should be or as they were meant to be. Call it fate, call it destiny or simply call it just living life; I did and still am living life to the fullest whatever that criterion may be. I have long stopped comparing to others especially my twin brother and mu cousin who is a week older than me, and yes they are both successful in life in more than one way. Age is just a number as many a wise man would point out, however ageing is a process that transcends numbers if one live fully awaken to the moments in time of one's life. These entries I have been making in this Blog which numbers to date some 2400 entries thus far is but a speck of dust made in the entry in the Book of Life or the Loh Mahfuz as known in Islam. I am no larger in shape or appearance where the Universe is concern even if my ego would want to think otherwise. So the question still haunts me perhaps to my grave; Who Am I?
I have been neglecting making my posts of late, like skipping some pages from my diary. and this is not because I have lost interest in keeping up with this ongoing journal of my life, nay, it is partly because of the development happening in my spiritual practice. The latest twist and turns that has taken place in my meditation and self observation pursuit over the last few months which in part has taken the 'silence' mode. In the effort to silence the mind it is imperative that I avoid anything and everything that triggers thoughts and thinking. However I find myself failing at this attempt miserably as I am being drawn to watch more NETFLIX and listen to more YOU TUBE videos among others and visit more friends and relatives than I have in the past! However all is not lost, I believe I have been able to become more and more detached from most of these activities as I find myself more and more removed from them even as I am involved in their presence and as I used to call this in the past it is detached - involvement or as the Taoist would call it WuWei,- inactive action. I am writing this in fulfilling my commitment towards a promise made years ago to keep and ongoing Blog when it all began at my friend Fadzly Mubin's suggestion while I was living in the East Coast State of Kuala Terengganu sometime in 2004? I say detached involvement not simply of parroting what others are saying on You Tube or writing in books but I am saying it as a part of a personal self discovery observation in my self in my day to day self analysis of how my mind works and yes I am finding it possible as what was suggested by J.Krishnamurti that one can observe the mind's working as closely and even in my dreams.
It is interesting to find that as much as you try to silence the chattering mind the more it chatters and the subject is endless and as giving up is not an option one learns to accept and deal with it with skillful means. One learns to accept and adapt, to observe and evolve towards filtering and lessening the amount of traffic that flows through knowing the flow can never be stopped by any attempt or force; it will only stop on its own volition through right understanding and loving kindness, yes the human mind is a highly sensitive entity that can be coaxed into settling down and eventually silence; perhaps more so than anything any man has to deal with in his life. The sad feeling is how many do really pay attention to such an obvious task as this taming of the mind in this day and age? The answer really is , it does not really matter, or perhaps more than I expect as the proliferation of knowledge today is boundless and as the saying goes at the very tip of the fingers. Next to breathing, thinking is of paramount importance for man to understand and come to terms with and allot has been talked about and written on this matter readily available in books and You Tube.
Hence, I must say that at the age of 73 I am still trying to understand how my mind works and how to find the peace and tranquility that most of us seek to embrace. It is said that it might take a lifetime or it might happen allot faster if one can make a retreat into a cave in the mountains somewhere, but this is all still mental formations and projections that I still have to deal with. Surrendering the ego personality takes some doing as th ego is a formidable entity that will always demand attention and recognition and the ego can only be coax into giving up itself willingly or better yet be allowed to act in times of need without fear or favor towards achieving a goal; i.e. the ultimate absolute freedom from the small, thinking mind; the primary tool of expression for the ego. This is the mind that is always in need and often having low self esteem Not that it matters anymore, but I love my ego and without having been egotistical in the past I would not end up here where I am making this entry. At 73 I can still express myself, my thoughts and feelings, my guilt and shame, my success and achievements. I just gave a back massage to a 64 year old friend at the fisherman's jetty where I spent the evening, I hope it helps him to wake up from giving up.( in despair and defeat). I have also set out at the initial stage of writing this Blog in order to master the art of the written form, the ability to express myself in words albeit therapeutic or otherwise - I wanted to become a great writer. Have I accomplished this? It remains to be seen. It is my egotistical desire to be able to send a sonic boom across the universe at the moment of my physical death to announce like the historical Buddha, that "Behold I have Awakened and the Universe Awakens with Me!...I am no more." #happyhuntingground,#physicalexistence,#lohmahfuz,#thebookoflife,#youtube,#jkrishnamurti,#wuwei,#chatteringmind,#historicalbuddha
