MUNI Bus Riders -San Francisco - All the Lonely People.

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A Few Characters I met at the Zen Center in San Francisco.

And the Rambling must go on....

Each moment you live and each moment you die one frame at a time, you make your movie as you mover from one episode to the next, you are the actor the mover the director on and off screen you are no different but simply moving from one frame, one episode one event one breath to another. If you have not already realized this apparent phenomena that you are manifesting for every moment in your life, then you had better know that the fact of the matter is that you are living in an illusion that you assume to be what is reality or your life, and this is who you are.  Saidina Ali (ra) is said to have said that," You assume that you are small and insignificant, whereas within you lies a universe far greater than your mind could ever imagine and you are this universe." The Power That be did not create an insignificant entity and call it His ultimate creation, Man is the sum total of all that is and all that will ever be, for he was created complete and perfect, in the image of The Lord and man was sanctified by All that is and all that will ever be for he was created as the witness to the existence of God. If you had not realized and accept this as your Primordial Ground of Being or as your Dharma Position, your platform, then you are still groping in a world of Maya or delusion and ignorance. Hence you deserve to be enslaved by the phenomenal world to live like a cattle bred for the slaughter house.

These may sound like tall words and bombastic concepts and ideas the result of being over zealous in spirituality; it is not, it is far short of what it actually is or should be. We are the Atma Brahman. To the Hindus, we are closer to God than we ever realize and this closeness is our inherent Buddha Nature, our Divine Souls, that which is even before the beginning, unborn and deathless. To recognize and become one with this Divinity within us is our goal as spiritual adherents, truth seeker or by whatever name we would call ourselves; it is the way of the superior man., (Al insan Kamil)

What is an adherent.

a person who is loyal to a leader, group, or religion : a person who adheres to or supports a system or set of principles. adherent. noun. ad·​her·​ent | \ ad-ˈhir-ənt \

Spirituality is a broad concept with room for many perspectives. In general, it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and it typically involves a search for meaning in life. As such, it is a universal human experience—something that touches us all.

Having the knowledge that we are far greater than who we think we are simply means that we have to learn to embrace this knowledge whole heartedly and this is what 'Practice' is all about. No matter what for of practice one adopts throughout one's life, it has to be aimed at the understanding of of who we truly are beyond the concept of the word-who. This knowledge is and has always been the essence of all religious as well as spiritual practices in our humanity. Getting to fully understand our inherent nature and what we are made of or capable of is paramount in our human agenda and failing this as we are today we are in the danger of being sucked into spiritual decadence we become less than a wild beast or worse yet we become the living dead or Zombies. 

I feel like I am screaming out in the wilderness with not a soul present to let out my innermost self discoveries, self doubts, in the hope of receiving a revelation a guiding light, a simple truth as to how far or fow near am I towards beholding the truth or ending this round of death and rebirth once and for all. Words, meaningless words, thoughts and ideas comes and goes as fleeting as the clouds in an empty skies, changing in shapes and forms ever changing and in motion, ever in motion. I feel like I am drowning in a cesspool of karmic scum and clutching frantically at the strands of sanity or what little is left of it in me for my spiritual survival; I feel alone in this ordeal that I am facing. Having outlived most of my peers I realize that my time too is at hand and the question still remains in my consciousness, in my heart and in my mind, who or what am I? Will I ever come to fully realize my own Original Divine Nature or as the Buddha calls it my own Unborn Buddha Nature in this life before I physically cease to exist. 

And They said life begin at 17. Happy Birthday to Me.

 Yesterday I turned 71 and what a day it turned out to be. It started off with me not in the mood for any fuss or even think about celebrating my birthday bu decided to leave the house in the afternoon simply because it was too dull and dreary to be home alone.So I ended up at the only place that I felt was not going to cost me much and find a mind or two to communicate with. The Restaurant at the Fisherman's jetty, my regular port was my destination and there i sat with someone who I had not seen for a few years now since he moved out of the fishing community. after finding a lady and settled down. His elder brother I knew very well died about a a year ago after years of living the ife of a drug pusher and raising their youngest brother who was a handicap; theirs was never an uplifting story as the elder brother was constantly being taken off to prison and the youngest being taken care of by relatives when this happened. However I witnessed all these over the years not realizing that I was doing so and had become a apart of the scenario of their lives as they were mine. Suffering comes in many forms and some are just beyond our ability to do much about it except acceptance and so Nana and I, we talked of the old days and where and what had become of those that were.

After my cup of Nescafe I decided to visit one of the huts or 'pondok' where I usually hang out with the boys and left Nana by himself watching some Turkish drama series on TV. I found the regular guys at the hut and sat chatting with them while one of them was in the process of frying some rice noodles. I have known Rosli for over twelve years now since I started visiting the fisherman's jetty area and he had always loved to cook. He was also responsible for building the small hut we were in which is built over the water as most of the fisherman's hut are. As a matter of fact he had his hand in building most of these huts from way back when for as long s I have known him perhaps even before. Rosli, or better known as Lee Bakoi among those who knew him is well respected in the community and runs the coffee shop at the restaurant. Here is one of my long term friendship that's worth more than money can buy. Throughout my life I have a few whom I hold in high esteem especially in how they affect my life. There's David Carlson who recently suffered a stroke livng in, Ensinada, Baja California, we met and became friends in San Francisco, through whom I met and married Nancy, my late wife. There's jerry Sule from Green Bay. Wisconsin, when I met him he was 17 years old and he traveled with me on one of my trips to the South West of the US. I was squatting n his mom and dad's basement at one time while I was going to college at UWGB. Jerry is now in his early fifties and a grandfather.

I value people in my life especially those I feel who I could trust and get along with for a long period of time, These are people who can help you by becoming a mirror to yourself and this is crucial in my effort towards self discovery. Then there those that push your buttons and can make you spin like drunk by their ruthlessness in being bound and determined to bring you down and these too over time and with better understanding have become my mentors, my negative aspects of mirror images. I realize much earlier that I learn my lessons well from all the negative relationships I have had in my life. I also found that those closest to me as in siblings and relatives are the ones that I have to watch out for. A close friend once told me that  I had better watched out for my reputation in life and I failed to heed his advice closely and today in many circumstances my relationship failed on account of my neglect to discipline myself when having a relationship especially with the opposite sex. However, live and learn as they say and some had to learn the hard ways. 

How did my birthday ended? Well by the end of the day I was high as a kite and received an expensive watch as a gift right off a friend's wrist the moment i told him it was my birthday. I received a message from my estranged son the Captain who lost his job and on his way back home to the US to live with his Mom, wishing me a Happy Birthday; a pleasant surprise. The downside was that I learned that my daughter was going to quit her job as she had had enough of her boss, who happens to be my good friend. Hence so much for a day in my life looking at 71 years down the road, the things I gained and the relationships I lost and they say life begins at 70! Or was it 17?

    

     

Peeking into the windows of my past.

I walked up and down Page Street looking for the Zen Center at 300 Page Street, the first safe place I could find refuge for my first night in this Big City. I took my first bart ride that took me to Burkley, it was because the Korean Monk was headed that way according to the brochure I was given and it was a t Tibetan Center or Temple.; a good place to ask for help. Then I saw a sign for a Zen Center right near where I stopped, it was the SF Zen Center in Burkley. I approached them and was turned away without any second thought. I was disappointed and as I walked passed a shop window on it was a small poster with the image of Lord Ganesha on it. It said that there would a celebration in the Golden Gate Park to commemorate some Hindu Day, like Thaipusam over here in Malaysia. Perhaps the hare Krishna People would be more helpful and so I found my way to the Park by asking directions and what to ride to where I wanted to go, it was nnot hard at all, everyone I met was helpful. They looked at me perhaps feeling sorry after listening to my tale of how I had got there all the way from Green Bay, Wisconsin; I allow myself to be at the Mercy of whatever arose for there was not running back. 

Hoping it to be like the Hindu celeberations in my country, there would always be free food for the needy like me, but no such luck. Safron baggy pants abd bald headed devotees were dancing around all happy and joyful. Big tents under which huge posters of the Guru and his story, more Indian than Indian so I walked back to the road and stood at a corner wondering where Page Street could be, Before i was about to ask someone I looked up the road sign above my head and there it said Page Street! As I walked down the street after a few sores I noticed a lady dressed in a long black dress with her black curly hair spreading around her hed like a halo was looking at me. I smiled, what else is one to do and she waved me to her store. I went up to her and saw that she owned a Curio Store that all kinds of spiritual items with even a white huma skull inside when I entered at her invitation. Let me read your cards she said and I asked how it would cost me and she said 25 dollars. Wow1! Can I afford this? I asked myself and she was saying, it is worth much more than you can imagine. So I sat and she read my Tarot for me. The card I pulled out the Devil and it shocked me. She asked why I was so surprised and I told her the Devil was not exactly what I had in mind.

She went on to explain to me how on this journey I was embarking the Devil was my companion, my aid. She explained and it made sense but I was still shaken and not totally convinced. I left her twenty five dollar short and a heavy heart and headed down the street looking for 300 Page Street. I came upon what looked like a huge Georgian style Mansion and it said 300, Page Street and I walked in with great hopes. I saw a pot bellied bald headed with large and thick spectacles reading a News Paper at the reception table and I approached him timidly. He wa firm as I had expected giving me the, you got to be kidding look. Aplace for the night, which caravan did you drift into the City, Boy?! As I was talking to him I glanced at what look like the meditation hall and a huge painting of the Bodhidharma staring down at me from the distance and I thought to myself that one day I wll sit in that meditation hall and I walked out. I would like to mention here that the gentleman whoose name If I am not mistaken, came to my family farewell party when we were leaving for Sendai, Japan in 1995. 

Later during my stay at Green Gulch Zen Center we had a few seven day Seshins at the City Center and I sat in the meditation hall as I had promised myself and stared back up at the Bodhidharma painting. I even helped my Instructor who is a master japanese carpenter at the Gulch, to build a rostrum from where the Abbot delivered his first sermon upon being ordained as the Abbot of SF Zen Center.
Tenshin Zenki Reb Anderson is a Zen teacher and lineage holder in the Sōtō Zen tradition of Shunryu Suzuki. He is a Senior Dharma teacher at the San Francisco Zen Center and at Green Gulch Farm Zen Center in Marin County, California, where he lives. Wikipedia 
My encounter with reb Anderson was when he came over where I was sitting on my cushions for seven day Seshin  and whispered agressively to stop breathing so loudly or he was going to throw me out of the Zendo. From then on I practiced mindfulness breathing more diligently. In all the time I was at green Gulch Reb and I steered clear of each other but e always smiled and bowed to each other when we passed. I know that if it had not been for my Instructor and Teacher and friend Paul Discoe I would not have lasted too long at The Gulch. Paul ran the Gulch Community, he brought it back to life while I was there as the lace was still in a mourning state trying to recover from the First Abbot, Baker Roshi's scandal. I was fortunate to have been one oh his student during those recovery years and I was all out being myself fighting the demons in my mind.

Paul Discoe was in on the ground floor of Zen architecture in the United States. In the 1960s he became a student of Zen Buddhism, studying and building at the Tassajara complex in northern California. His own wood-based Zen-Buddhism architectural structures and renovations in the United States and Europe are the focus of this book. With passionate prose, Discoe identifies the elements of Buddhism that are represented in his buildings and describes the trials and triumphs of blending current building methods and codes of the United States with ancient Japanese joinery techniques. Zen-Inspired Architecture has delightful photography of his structures, and the illustrations show just how a Zen structure has its beginnings. 

I just sent a fb friendship request to my Teacher and I hope he accepts it, We used to sit around the small stove and do our meditation pracie in the form of pulling out nodules from the rice straw which later was used as the mortar for the Japanese Tea House at Green Gulch. We sat ten to fifteen of us huddled into our cloaths heads bowed and fingers busy sorting straw from nodules. Not a word uttered sometimes for two hours straight because we enjoyed it despite the cold. That was the Zen practice that i experienced and began to get deeper into as I was willingly able to accept and endure the pain the pain becomes your teacher of letting go. To let go of the past and not expecting anything of the future, to be absorbed in the moment lost in space and time, this was what I finally learne from the practice. ..I drifted way out into the vast ocean hoping that she would swallow me but she did not, she kept me alive and allowed me to swim back to shore, where the fields of suffering are still in bloom and ...and this too will pass.

How I ended up spending ten years of my life in San Francisco.

I have been posting more of my sketches from the past of San Francisco at the present moment where I had spent over ten years of my life ( re- Face Boook addr. Shamsul Bahari). Where I met my late wife Nancy and had two children there. These sketches are of the everyday life and situations, mostly focused on the cafes and restaurants where I ahd visited as a customer, some on a regular basis, like The Clarion on Mission and sixreenth for those wh know the City. As an artist I had a few solo exhibitions in the area and it was some of my memorable days that will be cherished in my mind as a landmark. I remember the day I stepped out of the San Francisco International Airport with my bag Pack on my back and portfolio full of prints in the other. I had just arrived on a Flight from Austin Stroebel Airport in Green Bay, Wisconsin after closing eight years of living in the Mid West State of Wisconsin. I had burned my bridges behind me, I was on the road on a one way ticket. 

My intention was to find my way to meet Dennis Kelly the eldest son of Rosella Kelly a fellow prin making club member at the Print making studio at UWGB> Rossela in her sixties back then and i was standing by the copper plate polishing table elbow to elbow, one evening and otu of the blue she said in my ear, "Sam, I think that you have to leave Green Bay and move on with your life. I was stunned but I agreed with her without hesitation. She saw me like her son needed to be nudged in the guts to wake me up; this was the lesson I cherish most in my experience with the Print Making Club, The she said, "You know you should go and join my son who has just been ordained as a Zen Piest in New York. He is about to open his own place, maybe you can help him." Yes! My heart leapt in me, a door has opened and I am going to step in, into what lies ahead, into the unknown. So I ran around trying t raise enough cash and said goodbyes to those I left behind and I was on the plane before I nkew what was happening. Only I was not heade to new York but to San Francisco instead. Dennis had changed his mind, instead of opening his Zendo in New York he had decided to move to the San Francisco Bay Area, in Marin County to be exact. 

As I stepped out of the sliding doors I felt the heat hit me and physically spun me back into the airport and as I was swung around I bumped into a bald headed all clad in white robes swinging a thick walking stick Korean  Zen Monk. We automatically bowed to each other in apology. I was given a leaflet by one of his assistants as they rushed him into a waiting Limo and they left me standing there feeling like Wow! This is not happening. This was how I felt upon my arrival into the City of San Francisco where I had since spent over ten years of my life. I loved the City with her mixed cultures and out of the ordinary people whose life was intertwined with each other in harmony. The poor and the rich alike had their own charms, From those who lives in the Sunset District to the Homeless one sees the  harmony of coexistence, of mutual respect and tolerance. This was back then when I had joined the community moving from one life style to another till I was married and had children. Mostly through my vocations i got to know the San Franciscans and their City. It was the best and the worse times of my life, and then again when was it ever not. I remember celebrating my fortieth birthday at the Fairmont Hotel in Down Town SF courtesy of my former boss,Will Harris Jr. We were the only ones there my wife and I and was taken care of with special attention. I also remember when I had to leave Green Gulch Farm after two yeas of Practice as a Zen Student, practically booted out for being accused of a 'Disruptor.' I found myself Homeless. I was out on the streets of SF with only whatever I had on my back. 

I did help Dennis to open up his Zendo at 20 Magnolia Blvd. in Corte Madeira in Marin County. Dennis had rented two classrooms of an abandoned school joined together to make one larger room for his Zendo. Through Dennis's connections, I started my first regular job working for an English man who did renovations and installations of office buildings around the SF Bay Area. He was a great man to work for, a no nonsense Englishman who got the job done no matter what was asked to be done. I landed at Green Gulch Farm/Zen Community after I fell ill and could not do heavy physical labor. Having nowhere to go or anyone to turn to I pleaded to be allowed to stay at green Gulch to nurse myself back to health. In more than one way I saw my destiny being played out as things evolved from one phase of my life to another. I was destined to fulfill my original intention of joining a Zen Monastery upon arrival in SF, however i did not realize how this was to happen.   

I am not the body, nor a I the mind.

As I breath in I know I am not the body and as I breath out I know that I am not even the mind. This is a meditation practice that has been instructed by Sadhguru Jagadish Vasudev, the founder of the worldwide Isha Foundation in India, (isha.sadhguru.org). For a more detailed information one may Google it. I find this meditation practice to be very effective in the process of detachment of one's original divine nature or simply one's soul from the external influences ans stimulus. My identification with my body as well as my mental formations has been the cause of just about every ailments that i suffer from in this life. It is a matter of fact that my being indentified with my physical and mental attributes have created the bondage I am in, in this life. I am not saying this from having read or heard heresay of the matter but I am saying it because in my years of walking this path of self discovery I find it to be true, however I had no way of putting it into real practice as the Sadhguru's instructions has pointed out.

 The mind is an instrument that has a never ending, continuous state of flux of thoughts and mental formations, including dreams and imaginations. Of itself the mind is a non entity, devoid of self actualization, however when being in the state of consciousness the mind becomes an instrument or a tool of expression and manifestation in relative to the external environment. It is only with the presence of an observer or a witness that the mind exist just as the computer is a non entity untill it is being program by the user. Through the history of man, the human mind has been a subject of in depth study albeit in the form of spiritual, religious, scientific or psychological. Questions were raised as to why do we think or how, does thoughts manifests our existence or are we victims or our own ignorance of our thinking mind.  In growing up, as soon as we are able to think we are confronted with the idea that we are who we think ourselves to be. As we mature and grow older we cling on to the ideas that our thoughts define who we are and that great men are great thinkers. Can consciousness exist without thoughts, or can thoughts exist without consciousness? This is a tricky question that most are not even aware of in a lifetime of existence in thoughts and consciousness. 

I got no answer to these 'out there' kind of questions so I am not going to kid myself as though I can handle the topic, perhaps i can but it would be lengthy and boring effort and there are great minds that have already dealt with this issue, like Nisargadata Maharaj for one and if you follow the topic and you will track down many others on the Internet - just Google it, hate to say it. However for those who are on the road to truly find out, it is imperative that we do the reserch into this phenomena of thoughts and consciousness and how they are related and affect to our daily existence. If and when we have understood the connections we might look at it further into the connection beteen thoughts, consciousness and what is awarenss. Yes there is another level of our psyche that most have little or no understanding of and pretty much left untouched where in trying to understand our human consciousness is concern. Awareness and what it entails to be come aware and who is aware of all that is going on, aware of consciousness and thought processes and so forth. The question arise again, can awareness exist without consciousness and the thought processes? Again this is another study and research to be done for those incline towards self discovery and understanding of who or what we truly are. Otherwise it is a waste of time to try to make sense out ofthis nonsense

I simply have to keep going at it like a bad hbit as  hav made it my persuit in life to dive as deep as I can hold my breath in order to touch the bottom of my primordial ground of being. To me it is more and more aparent that there is nothing more important worth striving for than the course i had laid for myself and that to full ycome to understand the inner workings of my body mind and spirit. I am finding it more and more of a revelation that is happenng to me about myself. I walk away from unnecessary confrontations alot better nw than I ever had and I am getting much better at becoming detach from any negative or impertinent thought that rises in my mind. I feel alot lighter in being. There is no doubt that I am still infested with old negative habits,  however I acknoledge them just as such and nothing more accepting my weaknesses and aspire to end them as I become more detached from them a step at a time. I also realize that the situation I am in my life at the moment is not conducive to taking any drastic measures towards isolating myself in a retreat where i can focus deeper into my practice at self realization, however I aim to eventually work my way towards this goal of total renunciation of this physical and materialistic external oriented form of existence. I know that at my age it is not only possible but must be arrived at if I am to seriously be able to liberate myself from the illusory form, mental formation kind of existence. 

I am not the body and nor am I the mind and this I hold to be the truth as Sadhguru Vasudev had preached and with this realization i feel I have found yet another stepping stone towards deepening my practice of meditation.