Thursday, November 26, 2020

Is there or is there not - God?

 Yesterday evening I listened to a J.Krishnamurti talk on You Tube that someone had posted on Face Book on a group page called The Rascals Picnic. The video talk was about if God exist and if he, Krishnamurti believes in God. The talk was held in Madras, India sometime in 1981-82, before a predominantly Hindu audience, which in itself to me must have been a dangerous effort for anyone to take on whether he believes or does not in the existence of a Creator, Lord of the Universe, Omnipresent, Omniscience, Eternal and so forth. Primarily K questioned his audience on who created who, did we create God or God created us. In India itself it is said that there are more than 300000 Gods or more so who created all these Gods to whom the Hindus devote with the shower of money and rituals. "Believe has no place where truth is concern," this is the key to what I derived from this talk. And as the Buddha is said to have uttered to His Cousin Ananda just before His death, "Unto yourself alone have faith for liberation from this existence." This is the essence of what K's message was to his Hindu audience and is to me.

Not in Scriptures or in books, not from the words of the Guru or the Saints and Prophets, not even from the teachings of Gautama the Buddha Himself must one place one's 'faith', but in one's own complete Awareness or Being of who You are. Herein lies the paradox, in order to attain to the sense of Complete Awareness or Being, one has to discover a thorough and complete understanding of who you are and this can only be achieved through understanding the teachings of Guru and Saints, Books and scriptures and that of the teachings of Gautama the Buddha; there is no short cut to discovering the Truth unless one is a Buddha by birth already and even for this to happen, one would have to have evolved for eons from one life to another before finally achieving the final liberation and becoming a Buddha. So is there a God, One in Whose Image you are created and and by Whose Will you are manifesting your life here on earth? Is there a God that is Merciful and Compassionate,  Loving and yet Wrathful if crossed? Is there a God whose punishment and reward is Heaven and Hell in the afterlife, Is there a God who created men unequal and allow for decadence and death and the suffering of His creatures to become rampant just to make His point and yet tells man that "The Truth Shall Set You Free."Is there a God who declares Himself a jealous God? If there is, then I am in deep divine shit.

For God to exist, I have to exist as a witness, otherwise there is no validity to the question if or if not- God exist. It is an age old riddle of the chicken and the egg, which comes first, or who created who? Blasphemous to even think of such thoughts for a Muslim or any of the Judaic, Christian and Islamic faith and having faith is the key to being a good or devoted religious person. The gates to heaven itself are hinged upon faith and devotion to hold them up for without these two virtues religion has no hold upon humanity. Fear is the key that opens the gate for it is out of fear that man succumbs to faith and devotion, the fear of living and dying and the fear of suffering during both. If man has no knowledge or any inherent sense of fear in him, God would not exist, not heaven nor hell would hold any meaning to him. It is through fear no matter how deep or strong the denial may be, that man bows his head and worship God. Very few worship God out of love and devotion and fewer yet of those who were force to have faith out of fear for thier lives through wars and conquests, those that embrace a religion out of necessity. Then again this is all my own take and God knows I have been wrong on a great many occasions where the subject of faith is concern; and yes there is definitely fear in me too, the fear of dying in ignorance.

At one point in his talk, Krishnamurti declared that he did not believe in a God or that God exists; it does not hurt God that one man declares himself so, nor does it gives comfort to God if another declares his devotion. There is no right or wrong, good or bad, this or that where God is concern is there? God is existence itself and  non existent- emptiness, void simultaneously. We may be created in God's image but God is not created and has no image; man has to cease creating God in his image. As the Buddha's teaching implied, God has no issues to take care of but man suffers from the day he was born till the day they bury him. If man needs to have great faith and devotion to uphold to he should devote them to himself; the one who is placed upon the face of the earth to endure pain and suffering regardless his status in life. Hence to discover ne's true nature is more important that to question the existence of God, for man has to cease to exist before God can be. The Buddha final words before attaining to His 'Pari-Nirvana' was said to be, " I'm No More!" The Buddha may not have uttered, "Only God is," but this is for me to figure out for myself, through the right understanding my own Buddha Nature, Who Am I?.

"The Kingdom of Heaven is within you,

whosoever shall nkow himself, shall find it."

Egyptian Book of the Dead.

#jkrishnamurti,# egyptianbookofhe dead



What immortality is to me.

Human beings has sought immortality perhaps as the final goal throughout human history. Just as the alchemist sought to turn lead into gold, mankind's quest for the eternal life has been a quest for many who has walked the spiritual as well as the scientific life.although it is like trying to walk a camel through the eye of a needle, human history has revealed to us that this quest for immortality is far from a fiction for great minds of old and modern alike has embark upon this futile journey towards attaining what is the impossible and perhaps there are those who have attained it however have not revealed themselves to the public for one reason or another. " Legen of the wandering Jew," was a short novel that I have read when I was a teenager in high school and this short story stuck in my mind ever since for some odd reason.(Wandering Jew, in Christian legend, character doomed to live until the end of the world because he taunted Jesus on the way to the Crucifixion.) Another character whose story attracted my attention is the Muslim Prophet, Kihdr(as). In various Islamic and non-Islamic traditions, Khidr is described as a messenger, prophet, wali, slave or angel, who guards the sea, teaches secret knowledge and aids those in distress. As guardian angel, he prominently figures as patron of the Islamic saint Ibn Arabi and was also encountered by the Sufi saint Sheikh Kadir Al Jilani and according to the Quran taught Moses of the virtues of being patient when they met. In the Taoist legend of China, there are the Eight Immortals, these were Wise men and saints who had evolved into immortals and worshiped as Gods.

In the Hindu Vedic tradition, man has an immortal soul called Atman, a soul that survives after the demise of the physical human form. The atman transmigrate from one form into another evolving as it goes along towards becoming one with Brahman or God according to its spiritual performances while in each course I am over simplifying the whole process, however in essence man is immortal in his own being and will attain to this nature through a gradual increment through positive action. It is said in the Quran that the sole purpose, God created man and jinn is that they worship Him. I would replace worship with servitude, that they serve God by caring for His creation including man himself. Having created man in His image he has also imbued him with His attributes and it is for man impart these attributes as he lives his life. More and more today man has drifted far from his divine attribute of Love,Patience, Compassion, Giving, Forgiving etc. and become self centered and self servicing. These are the moral virtues that decides a man his 'karmic' fate in his spiritual evolutionary ladder. Almost all religions practices this in one form or another; it is what places man above all other creatures.

For a clearer and more detailed discourses on this subject of immortality, the You Tube and the Internet as a whole has much to offer for our benefit. Today we are given less and less lee way for excuses to being ignorant when it comes to spiritual matters pertaining to our well being. The COVID -19 pandemic has also given us an opportunity to stay home and do our spiritual homework, to discover our true nature as best we can and to stand with our fellow man as one collective spiritually immortal entity like God.


Tuesday, November 24, 2020

The Rambling continues.

  I have expressed time and again that I write not because I would one day become a great writer, I beleive it is too much work for one thing, I write simly because I enjoy writing about anything and everything that comes acrosss my mind. Yes, things are never ending in coming across my mind like and endless flotsam floating up or down the river depending on the tide and I like to sit and watch what floats by, sometimes the same piece of garbage would turn up time and again like an old buddy seeking attention. These are my mental formations from past accumulations of attractions and attachments, from experiences and projections, these are the by product or the waste matter of my actions and consequences of. I sit and watch them float by, who am I sitting and watching? I write to keep reminding myself that there is a part of me that has been doing this like a watchman who job it is and has been to be an observer of what is going on with my mind in relationship to what is my external relationship to the external manifestations of my consciousness; for the river or the highway is my consciousness   

What a tedious and boring thing to be doing this sitting and watching what arises and what disappears before my mind's eye day in and day out, while awake or asleep? I thas not earned me a nickle or a dime and it is like watching clouds in an empty sky as the come and go? But do it I persist like ther is a mandate for me to do so by some unwritten laws of cause and effect.; like God or the Buddha insist that it is my duty to do so and what is worse, I gave it a name, I call it meditation. Then I began making mental notes of what attracts me most among the garbage that floats along before me and I attach myself to dwelling upon these for whatever reason they evoke in me by their very appearances. The moment I am attracted to an item it attaches itself to me and my mind elaborates and exaggerates over its form and identity, giving it my attention like an episode or a story that it is related to; I bring it to life and it stays with for as long as it seemed interesting or until it becomes a pain or a nuisance and I am forced to let it go. Yes, this is how my mind works, this is how my time has been wasted throughout my entire life and I am writing about it just to remind myself of what a waste of time it is; calling it a form of practice or meditation.

However if persistency is a virtue as a part of a positive human development process, then, I must admit to myself that I am on the right right track towards attaining whatever it is to be attained at the end of the line. I have been writing for  most of my adult life mostly about nothing worth bragging about other than about myself, my personal take on life in general and where and what I have done. As it is said that nobody reads anymore from books or journals, so who or what I am writing for is really of no significance except towards my own personal self development; how I grow old. If there be any lesson worth to be learned, it is in seeing the progression of my inner and outer journey for the past seventy odd years. I have inadvertently been doing what any psychiatrist would advice me to do if I were a patient and that is to wrtie down my thoughts, feelings, dreams and imaginations and so forth. Has it been a help? Yes and no but it is still a fun thing to do especially when you are trapped in your home during this COVID-19 pandemic. 


Saturday, November 21, 2020

Understanding the source of originality in our creative endeavor.

 As long as I am breathing I will be thinking, thoughts never end; they will subside but they never end. It is a fact that your breath controls the flow of your thinking mind which ironically eventually ends when you stop breathing , once and for all and you are dead. Normally when you 'catch your breath' or when you heave a long sigh of relief, you sneeze or you focus you mind on your breathing alone, your thinking mind is affected in one way or another. Hence when ou attain Samadhi or absolute silence through meditation or through absolute focus on an intention like starting a one hundred meter dash, your mind stops thinking. The cessation of thoughts happens when the mind is totally occupied with an action or absolute focus upon an intention through the awareness of one's breath. This is one of the purposes of doing Zazen or sitting meditation. Primarily the goal of Zazen is the cessation of thoughts or at the very least to bring the mind into direct focus of what is here and now. To achieve a state of peace and tranquility within amidst the busy-ness of everyday life. To let go of that which is unreal and focus on the reality that presents itself when the mind is not clouded by incessant thinking. .

Professionals in every field of endeavor, albeit a scientist, an artist, a song writer, a chef, whatever the trade or undertaking to produce an original work is paramount. Originality is a cornerstone, a marker for a successful work produced by any professional in their field that transcends all other works in the same field. originality stands out as fruit of original ideas never before expressed by other in similar field. The question is where does originality originates from. A mind that is influenced by external events, thoughts and ideas will never produce an original product that is a product never before thought of or expressed into forms. Hence originality will have to come from within, from the recesses of one's unconscious or subconscious mind where where the ground of primordial state resides laying dormant until triggered by a stimuli or shaken loose by an extraordinary circumstance that has taken place in the external environment. This can also happen while in a state of absolute silence of the mind whereby an opening occurs for the latent state of consciousness is allowed to emerge unobstructed. An epiphany, an intuition, a stroke of genius, whatever the result may be, the originality emerge from within the creator inner state of subconsciousness or the unconscious. For this to happen the ground work has to be laid out by the individual in the form of practice or discipline or simply having a thorough understanding of the inner engineering of the human psyche. 


Thursday, November 19, 2020

What life truly means to me.

 As I have mentioned many times in the past in my Blog, I am eclectic,(deriving ideas, style, or taste from a broad and diverse range of sources,) by nature and how this was revealed to me was through a dream I had when I was visiting a well known artist in Central City, Colorado y the name of Angelo  Dedenidetto, ( I would need a spelling check on his name as it has been a long time since). I have written in detail of this event in my life and so will not delve further into it, however suffice to say that it was an accurate evaluation of my character by whoever had made these observations of my nature in the dream. Hence listening to David Carse's Audio Book, Perfect Brilliant Stillness -Lomakayu, or the Maharaj Nisargadatta's talks or all the other talks are to me part and process of my being eclectic in my choices of who or what makes me -Me. I made it a point even before I stumbled upon the eclectic and unrstood its meaning to never swallo any thoughts or ideas on blind faith alone,echoing the Buddha's words of never to accept anything as the truth simply because it was uttered even by Himself; trust my own instinct, gut feelings, if it don't sit right it's not for me.

My soul is on the line where my spiritual journey is concern, I am looking to fully uderstand who or what I truly am while in this realm of existence and I have done my share of footwork and homework in the matter. I am not seeking for enlightenment nor a way of escaping from my past transgressions; perhaps I am seeking the light at the end of this tunnel I am in. The weight of the matter has weighed upon my shoulders and the cause of much migraine in my head, of sleepless nights and like a burning iron ball in the pit of my stomach I carry this most of my adult life. The Truth as the Christ said would set me free andin this I hold firmly to be true. I feel the truth lies within me dormant and waiting for the right moment and Master Key that would unlock it, an embryo waiting to be born. The words of wisdom of the ancient and modern spiritual masters are like like rain falling upon my ground of self consciousness, food for my thoughts, signs and guides along the path , that I may not stray too far from the course of my destiny. 

I have placed my complete faith and trust in my Lord, my Creator way back when I was confronted with my faith and spiritual issues and way before the question of who am i arise. As a converted Muslim I call by the Name Allah, Lord of Creation, just as Christian would call Him God or Elohim or a Hindu, Brahman, a Jew would call Him Yahweh or Jehovah. among other names. No matter how much science or the so called, free thinkers can justify otherwise, I am not an atheist; I believe in a Higher Being, I believe in, if the word God or Allah is offensive to those who don't, I believe in a Higher Consciousness,call it a Cosmic Consciousness if you will. Perhaps in this realm of existence I am a mere animal evolving towards my highest possible form, however I know fully well that there are so called human that has evolved into the worse kind of animals and only a divine intervention can change and alter the course of their evolution; he who  answers to no higher self is a demon worse than an animal in the wild for he answers only to himself and as the saying goes, he gets away with murder; it is said that even demons has to answer to their masters for any demonic transgressions.

I fear death only because I have  not understood life, why was i alive and it is my ultimate desire that i have a glimpse of the truth of what my life was all about. Some will say that I am playing my role, my part in this realm of Cosmic Consciousness, while others will say that I am just thread in the net of the human experience, these are just thoughts and perceptions that the mind has evolved to justify my being here. I sense that there is much more to this life than just having a name and a livelihood, I feel it deep within me a much higher purpose that is hidden behind the veils of illusions that I am am being made to accept to be what this life is all about and this is what i intend to unravel as thoroughly as I can before I make my final exit; failing to do this would simply mean that I ahve truly wasted my life.

Monday, November 16, 2020

Time for the final count down towards self liberation.

 After years of posting my blog, 2372 to date I am finding out that I really not idea what in heaven's name I am talking about when it comes to the subject of spirituality or religion for that matter. I thought I had a good handle on the subject but of late I am not sure anymore. After listening to several talks on the subject I am less convince than I used to be as to my perception about things or where I stand in relation to what I discovered from these talks on spiritual matters. Talks by the Hindu Guru Nisargadatta Maharaj especially, I find very convincing and challenging in its content. It's not easy to put into words about how i feel about his talks or ideas, however the ideas gives me a great deal to chew on and digest and has become another added dimension to my personal spiritual quest. It is perfectly alright, I am ok with what has been laid out before me as it is yet another corner stone to take a turn by. It as thought every time I thought I have got it, it is not what the answer is and it takes me yet to anotyher level of understanding.

I have also been listening to the video series on You Tube called,"Perfect Brilliant Stillness," a very thought provoking engaged and well laid out and read audio book. This is an amalgamation, if I may call it that, of most of the great spiritual minds across the globe. Fro the Shamans of the Amazon, the Natvie Americans, The Great Hindu Rishis and Chinese Chaan Masters and Japanese Zen Roshi, from Rumi and Kabir to contemporary Philosophers such as J and G.Krishnamurti, to name a few For me personally it is like a coming to a conclusion of my spiritual journey, however what the future holds is yet to be. I feel like my path is gradually being narrowed down towards a final point of completion. There is no doubt that the path gets more bumpy and treacherous for one who as committed himself to so many faiths and belief system over the years and giving up all these is what is asked for. It is like the evolution of the spiritual man is coming to a full fruition for those who have been on the spiritual journey. It is a challenge, to take on this new direction of giving up, of stopping of unloading the baggage and starting from ground zero. The irony is that I know I have to stop thinking and which also means to stop writing my thoughts and perceptions down as I am at this moment doing. To fully embark upon this path would mean abandoning all hope and expectations, giving up all my comfort zones and safety net, even my faith in God as I have come to understand it. However if this is what it takes, than I have no qualms in taking to the path for from what I have heard and learned, though may still not fully grasp,I feel that there is genuine truth in what is being laid out.

It is my feeling that this is the end product of the Collective Human Consciousness reaching it apex, the Summit of the Mystique Mountain. Herein I will have to take my leap of faith into the abyss that lies before and what happens, happens. It is time to let go of the straws that I have been clinging on to and drown myself into the sea of infinite possibilities and limitless consciousness. All the teachings I have bathed myself with in the past is now being churned and blended together to create the final stage of Liberation of my spirit, my soul, my self. As much as my small mind, my ego would put up a fight for its survival, I have to stay fixed and focused upon what arises from my acceptance of the challenge placed before me on my path towards discovering .Who am I?     

Saturday, November 14, 2020

How do I feel about Penang today as an old man. -2

 I am not against development so long as the development benefits the local as it should. I am against wanton development that is carried out forthe sake of benefiting those involved in the projects; the authorities and the developers. I am against development that depreciate the natural beauty of the landscape and causes more congestion to the traffic flow in and around the city. I am development that caters to he whims of the well to do especially those who can afford to buy and rent out or sell homes simply as investments and most of these would end up being sold to foreign investors, which is rampantly happening in Penang. Most expensive homes are being purchased by foreigner via local proxies I am told. It is sad indeed when the Island has become to be peddled like a pie making it impossible for the locals to keep up with rising so called standard of living simply because some foreigner wants to own a second or vacation home. Real estate investments has become a lucrative business at thye expense of the locals as the presuure of keeping up with rising cost jeopardizes their livelihood and welfare of being.

When my son got into trouble at his school I was asked to appear before the Principal who was a Chinese to discuss his misdemeanor and as the discussion progressed it came to the cost of living a an issue. The Principal suggested that I should move my family to the mainland where i could afford to live rather than remain living on the Island. I let him have my thoughts over the matter short of grabbing the thick cane  had laying before me on his table and letting him have a taste of it across his mouth. Witnessed by my son's counseling teacher and his classroom teacher the principal apologized for his error. I told him to get off his high horse and stop teaching me how to live and where to live my life. I told him that he was a bigot assuming that Malays cannot afford to live on the Island anymore and that we should all move out. I told him how I had lived 21 years of my life in the United States, ten years of which was spent in San Francisco where my son was born and three years in Japan where my two children attended one of the most expensive kindergarten in Sendai. I also told how my Grand Uncle had been the caretaker of this very school most of his life since he came to Penang from Sri Lanka  That my Grand Uncle was also the caretaker of the Mahindrama Buddhist temple located across the street from where the school is and that all the Murals witihn the temple walls were done by my grandfather. I asked him what has he got to be proud of being a Principal of a school; I was pissed.

My two cents worth of advice to the Chinese is to be be more sensitive in the ways they treat the local Penang Malays especially those who are struggling to make ends meet. The Chinese has to close the widening gap between the two races in wealth social as well as economic well being or they stand to loose it all when the smoldering hot ashes catches fire. I have spent allot of my time among the poor Malay fishermen and listened to their dissatisfaction have a good sense that all is not well and like the former Prime Minister said, "We are sitting on a time bomb waiting to go off." With this COVID-19 pandemic it makes matters worse. for the predicament we are in. I am not saying that the Chinese have to support the Malays in any way but by simply not showing off their wealth or being socially as friendly as the Chinese of my childhood years and by simply being respectful instead of showing arrogance in their daily accounter with their fellow man. Perhaps it is in their inherent nature and nt much can be done about it. One can never change what is in the world but one can change oneself and understand that all all is an illusion of one's own perceptions and understanding of what is real and unreal. Thee are my very own personal observation and my intuitive feelings, not my being bias or judgmental towards my fellow beings, those born and raised in Penang, no matter their background.   



Thursday, November 12, 2020

How do I feel about Penang Island today as an old man.

 I was interviewed by a group of people led by a  'social-cultural' researcher accompanied by two local cartoonists about the Penang Island and her development through the years through the eyes of the older folks. As I was not sure positively of what the objective was, whether it was about artists or about being a Penang born resident I answered as best I could to the questions as they were put to me. Early this morning at my witching hour of 3 am. I was awaken as usual and sat to contemplate over what had transpired yesterday afternoon and it dawned on me that I should address a few questions with my deeper feelings I truly have with regard to the question, how I feel about the Island and my experience having lived for seventy years of my life here off and on. I realize that the interview was not really focused on my being a local artist as much as me growing up and my personal take on ho the Island has evolved environmentally, economically and socially. Then again I could be mistaken.

Here I would like to add to the interview my feelings which more centered towards the Island and its people rather than me being an artist. The most important question asked was how I feel about the growth and development of the Island and the social welfare of the short do I like how or what Penang has developed into and my answer was more or less ambivalent, both like and dislike, there's good and there's what could be better or better not. Environmentally speaking Penang like most major metropolis is headed for and environmental disaster if wanton development is not checked. Ideas like the construction of an undersea tunnel and man made islands off the coastal areas of the Island should be scrapped as a developer's pipe dream and so is the construction of luxury apartments that hardly a local can afford. The environmental impact this will have and is already happening will be a long term detriment to the well being of the environment in and around the island. The few rivers that feeds into the island are no doubt as polluted as to be among the worse in the country and one ask when was the real assessment of the staus of these rivers last done and what was the result. The effluents resulting from over construction of apartments all over the Georgetown alone is scary to imagine how much sewage and waste matter is being generated and thrown into the environment. The cleanest sea water that can be found unpolluted by man made I was told sometime in 1982 by a friend who worked at the aquarium which was then located in Hudini road area, was six miles offshore and that was way back when. It would not be impossible that largest landfill on the Island located adjacent to the Lim chong Eu Highway will reach the mainland. We cannot deny that leaching of pollutants from this site alone is detrimental to the marine life all around the coastal areas. the effects may not be apparent presently but only time will tell if it is not already as fishermen are finding lesser and lesser catch close to home. 

The levelling of hillsides all over the Island for more land to buid condominiums and various other highways and hotels is slowly eating away at the one natural and pristine landscape and those who can afford it would like to have a home perched on the highest site possible to overlook the rest of the Island. One of the question or statement I often got when I retur to the East Coast state of Terengganu where I grew up was,  " the Chinese have bought up all te Malay lands and my answer was always, "Yes, but it is not their fault that the Malays were selling them, however the Chinese are selling them off to foreign buyers who can afford to buy them. It's ll business investments, just money to be made." But what happen to the Malay Kampungs? They have become a part of history most of them their one time pristine kampung life has been converted into the urban  jungle that City of Georgetown is turning into. Most of the Malays have found their way to the Mainland where they can start new an updated kampungs. There is no doubt that Penang will one day become like Singapore or Hong Kong or a poorer version of it but with the loss of its natural beauty and social cultural wealth.

When I was asked the question of how I feel about Penang upon my return afters years of being away by the interviewer, this is my thoughts and feelings among many others that are more personal in nature. These I will get into in my later postings. 


Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Where I am at...

 What saddens me about my life of late is the fact that I find myself becoming more and more 'not caring'. It feels like I ma in the process of committing suicide mentally and spiritually and if this is any indication f growing old, it is very sad indeed. I have always regarded myself as being creative in my approach to life, not just because i am an artist or have aspired to become one, but more so than that it is the fact that i have in the past look at life with all seriousness and appreciated it in all its glory and awesomeness; i have it seemed lost that childlike sense of curiosity and bewilderment.

Like most, I have engrossed myself into the what the Internet has to offer, from endless movies, Facebook, You Tube lectures and numerous other postings, that I feel saturated with what is out there, the going on in the the world. As one who has been aspiring towards being devoid of thoughts in my mind I have instead become thought infested. I have allowed too much senseless information into my head and have practically lost my sense of presence, of being here in the moment uncluttered by any form of thought formation; perhaps why truth seekers flee to the forest and mountain retreats?
As much as would love to be able to take off and disappear from this present environment I am in events in my life would not permit me to. My responsibility towards my children for their well being and the COVID-19 status at present makes it not a wise move to pursue. Hence I have to make do with what is before me and strive to remain true to my course as an artist or as I would call it, The Art of Living (as an Artist). To be creative no matter the form and whatever the process, I will keep of trudging along producing and expressing myself as I am doing now.
Wati Dzulkifly, Grazyna Kaminska and 31 others

Saturday, October 31, 2020

A note of Repentance to my Lord.

Astarghfirullah  Al Gafururu Rahim, forgive me O Lord of Forgineveness and Mercy for all my transgressions of the past, present and future. From the most heinous to the slightest, from those that I nkow of and that which I knew not, Forgive me my sins towards my parents and those who came before them, my sins towards my family and friends, forgive me for my not eing able to fulfill all my obligations towards You and my negligence of duty towards my fellow man. Forgive me Lord for my weaknesses and my ignorance, my slothfulness and my decadence of behavior. I ask of Your Grace and Mercy for You are oft forgiving and Most Merciful and not a thing moves within and without except by Your Will and Yours alone. I surrender my Soul, mind and body unto You in life and in death. Amen.

Alhamdullilah hirabbil Alamin, I thank you Lord for all the Grace and Mercy that You have granted me throughout my life and those You have shown towards my Parents and theirs and may You place them among those who are free from Your retribution for whatever their transgressions had been. I thank You Lord for the Grace that You have showered upon me and my fellow man in one form or another to ease their their burden in life as od mine. For You are the Lord of the Universe, The Lord of Creation, from You I came and unto You I shall return. May all beings be awakened by this realization that they may return to the source of their origin. You are the Originator of this Supreme Consciousness that pervades all Beings and Non Beings alike and not an atom moves without Your approval and not a leaf drops in the forest wihtout Your awareness. You are the Omniscience, Omnipresent, Omni-Lord of Creation. I prosterate my Being bfore Your throne. I bear witness that there is none but only You worthy of Worship, Love and Devotion.

I place none above or below me save You my Lord and I pray that all my actions beit good or otherwise sanctioned by your Grace in this life and submit my will to be as Yours no matter the circumstances. For all my life has always been surrendered to You in its entirety with no reservations. I worship Thee with every breath I take knowingly or otherwise and let this be my testimony of my repentance for all the wrong that I have committed and may You forgive me in the Now and the hereafter. I am eternally grateful for all that I have tasted in this life, the sweet and the bitterness that it has to offer and I remain Your humble servant for eternity. 

AllahuAkhbar! Indeed You are Great and there in none, only You worthy of my worship. Lead me O'Lord from the unreal to the real, from darkness to ligt and from death to immortality...Ameen. 


Monday, October 19, 2020

Update on the status of Self inquiry.

 There is not much to be said except that the seeker and that which is sught after has become one and truly not uch difference. The mind still rules and dictates every minute and every second of what is out there and in here, not much can be done about it as it is like an old habit that refuses to die. But as life progresses and the body shows telltale signs of immanent slowdown and perhaps even decay, the one who had embarked upon this long journey still remains in the back ground watching and observing the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride,experiencing every moment as a witness, a watcher an observer,only now refraining from making any more efforts to change or try to become otherwise. Aceeptance is the next practice and it is not as simple as it may seem as the mind has much more to offer in all its glory like a challenge towards making it a test of endurance and perserverence. Meditation helps but to a degree that the more one sits the more the mind imposes upon the one who meditates. It has been told that ths is inevitable when one meditates that mind will gets stronger in projecting itself through thoughts and dreams and rampant imaginations.

  Hence the one way to circumnavigate this onslaught of mental formations is to ignor what arises and move on with greater consciousness of the outcome of each and every thought and not project any new perception to counter them. Detached observation that allows for the mind to work itself out as they arise and simply watching how they move along and fade from consciousness, like clouds in an empty sky.Worries, fears and anxieties they rise and fall reacting to the external circustances, like not having a the road tax renewed or meetinf a police road block, what to cook for lunch or dinner, or how the kids are faring with their lives day to day. As a practice, feeding the birds, the cat and watering the plants helps to occupy the mind towards a more productive projections rather than imposing random meaningless thoughts to upset the tranquility of one's consciousness. 

Om! Deliver us from the unreal to the RealFrom the Darkness to Light, From Death unto Immortality. Om - Peace, Peace, Peace.

This age old Mantra has proven effective somewhat in putting a damper upon the onslaught of negative thoughts an so does Astarghfirrullah al Azim or the beseige for foegiveness of the Lord of Creation. Yes the need for the intervention from the 'Higher Consciousness' is without doubt relevant in order to provide a veil against the rise of incessant mental formations and is evoked when things gets out of hand. It is indeed not an easy task to maintain a steady gaurd against getting one's state of consciousness free from being shaken in the wind of change and especially ageing, but it has to be thoroughly obeserved as the result of one's years of so called practice would amount to nothing. Mantras, chants, recitations and prayers are crucial towards keeping the soul from being side swept by the dual thinking mind. These are the links and chains that one weave into the armour that protects one from getting waylaid and drown into the quagmire of distortion due to the mind's influences. 

Saturday, September 26, 2020

Entertaining my subconscious.

Listening to my al time favorite, a tune that moves my spirit from the frst time heard it played on an Long Play Album at a dorm apartment of the University of Wisconsin , Green Bay, Wisconsin in 1979. I had just returned from trip to the South West States of New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado, living out f my Chevy Impala 1965 model which was flattened on her passenger from front to the back by a hit and run accident on Highway 666 on the border between New Mexico and Colorado between the small towns of Gallup and Durango. It happened at one in the morning in total darkness with drizzling rain and it happened on the Navajo Reservation. It was an unforgettable experience, but strangely enough I was not afraid even as it happened for i was fully awake and had anticipated the crash. I remember having raised my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around them as the car made a ne complete spin on the wet tar surface when she was sideswiped. I even remeber telling myself that if I was going to be hit it might as be on my passenger's side and swerve the car into the left lane.Yes I was saved by the Grace of the Lord or should i say that of the Virgin Marry whose image was stuck on the dashboard of the car. The Chevy had onc belonged to Grandma Counard my girlfriend's grandmother who gave it to her and who sold it to me for two US dollars so as to get the paper works done for the transfer of ownership.

It was the first time I was listening to the song "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd and it was a revelation of sorts for me although I was on the verge of being wiped out by a bottle of Whiskey which the owners of the apartment had provided me to sooth my nerves after a long and weary travel across the United States from the Northern City if Green Bay, Wisconsin to the South to the small town of Tombstone, Arizona. I must have written about this incident a dozen of tie over the years but sometimes it comes back to me as i woke up this mornig and I had to write wondering where or what it will reveal if I keep on writing.

The subconscious mind has its ways of revealing its hidden secrets if and whenever I am in the right state of mind - like no mind is the best state of mind. In moments like these I would be exposed to thoughts that are seemingly random and revealing to what I have been trying to understand about myself. This morning as I sat outside and after feeding the birds with bread crumbs my mind was relatively quiet. Before me were dark hevy rain clouds hovering over the green Penang Hill and the fields of the race course to my right was lush green, it was like I was in some cool western country where winter was around the corner. Suddenly the thought, You are the Atman, you are not the body or the mind, came into my head. In this dimension of your existence you are the creator, the projector of what you behold. You are the master of your own destiny and your will shall be done. Like Wow! Where did that come from  asked myself, I have long since learned not to allow my ego to entertain any further implications on this and so I as a Muslim simply recited a short prayer, Astargfirullah ilAzim, simply asking for forgiveness lest I get carried away with this self aggrandizement, Howqever i did felt elated for the moment and decided it was time to make some breakfast for myson to take with him to work. It helps me to remind myself that I am also the servant of humanity in whatever form it may be.


Thursday, September 17, 2020

The Rambling must go on....

 As the CORVID- 19 pandemic seems to still keep lingering on and most of life has been practically turned upside down for the rich and poor alike staying home has become an option that most makes sense to me. As the saying goes, careful what you wish for and i have often wished for the solitary and silence in the comfort of my own home where i can look deeper within than having to deal with the externals. I know from years of having the same delusion that the externals is just as valid as the inner state and there is no difference to content with. I am projecting my own inner state of consciousness just as I have been doin for most of my life. My mind will always be playing the tunes of old songs repeating again and again every time I let my sense of awareness down, if nothing else i have come to realize that my mind is about the worse of my enemies in this life and there is not much that I can do about it. No amount of meditation and contemplation and no amount of getting stoned or drunk can make the difference, my mind will always be trying to bring me down towards my weaker and self defeating nature, of low self esteem and depression and worse of all yet to, fear.

I am getting too old I know to be regressing in getting my life straight, but I also have come to realize that in my quest towards self discovery or whatever name I have been giving it has done very little to heal my emotions and my thoughts are the same ols thoughts that i have had since I was young. The only consolation i feel that I have is the fact that I have been able to create an environment where I can keep on practicing what I ahve started and care for my two children as best I can. My inner journey has become my own personal trials and tribulations to deal personally with no hope for help from anyone else; I have to walk my own path to the end for better of worse. This Blog has been an ongoing record of where i ahve been and where I am headed God only knows. I have put faith into so many religions and belief systems  that I have lost faith in myself, in who I am or what I am; I have lost the confidence that I had in myself when I was not concern with the question of being in the right or being good. Most of my questions about the nature of my being has been answered at one time or another, however nothing seems to last as I keep slipping and regressing into self doubt and depression.

I find myself lately wasting my time watching movies and listening to talks and lectures on the interenet, mostly just to occupy my mind and I keep on posting sketches from my journals of my past on to the Face Book in order to keep those interested entertained if not learn something from them. I have distanced myself from my close friends and fellow artists here simply because I have lost the desire to deal with any more new dramas that would trigger my mind to latch on to as it always does. In short I am living day to day hoping that it will all come to an abrupt end, my life snuffed out from this round of my existence, even my prayers seem shallow and it seems like I am destined to ride this roller coaster whether I like it or not. If there is any silver lining to this state of consciousness that I am going through it sure is not showing on the horizon, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel I am in. I can only say one thing for it is worth, it is that I will not give up this route I have chosen. I will perservere and keep on digging deeper for answers and demand that my right be met with as a being seeking the light of truth till the day I die. 

"Eternity does not mean having endless time, it means timelessness." " If you want to experience infinite enlightenment, you need to get the past and the future out of your mind and stay in the present."



Tuesday, September 15, 2020

How I got myself to Sandpoint, Alaska.-1982

OM - Lead us from the unreal to the real,

          Lead us from the Darkness to light,

          Lead us from death to immortality.


My friend Robert Sergei and I left Green Bay, Wisconsin on the First of May and we made a pit stop at a small town called Little Suamico where Robert had some friends who were setting about to plant some 500 pine trees as an ecological venture. From there we set our journey West towards Seattle Washington which took us three days. We traveled in Rob's car a beat up Chevy Nova that had leaky fuel tank that had to be refilled every 60 miles or so; it was long and arduous journey where we slept by the roadside parks all the way when nights fell. I hardly knew Rob whom I met a month or so before the trip where we had a two man art exhibition at the Belin Hospital in Green Bay; Rob was a photographer and I was very impressed by his works which were mostly taken in, the Aleutians, Alaska. The pictures were so out of this world in nature that I became obsessed making a trip to the places they were taken even if theyw ould take me to Alaska and that was how I persuaded myself into buying a one way ticket North to Alaska.



I met Ms.Judy Pennini on the fourth of July 1982 after out fishing for Halibuts for ten days out in the Bering Sea along with four other crew members including the Captain. We had a good catch and had headed for the only restaurant in town, the Windward Cafe ran by two young ladies, Ms. Judy and Ms.Brenda, both from the 'Lower 48s'. How i made my acquaintance with Judy was perhaps one episode that the fishing community including the Boat owners and crew of most of those present for the Halibut season at Sandpoint, would forever cherish as a story worth laughing over as a fish tale. It being the 4th of July, the Windward Cafe was jam packed with customers who most had returned for the occasion; it was a mixed bunch of rough tough fishermen and well mannered lords and ladies of the small fishing community and most were two sheets to the wind. Being the last to enter the place, the crew of the Iceland led by her Captain Donald Bark sat at the first table closest to the door. When we entered I got the feeling like what was going through everyone's mind as they turned to notice our entry, the saying,"Look what the cat dragged in!" never rang more true in my mind; we were a filthy mess fresh from the sea, with no time to shit shower or shave. I might have been the only colored guy among the Aleuts and their spouses and the red necks from down south. To help celebrate the occasion and our bountiful catch, the crew of the Iceland had also just emptied a whole bottle of Jack Daniels, so much of what happened was like in a daze to me and beyond my control, pretty much

As we sat facing the whole crowd of rumbling conversations of fishermen recapping their tales of the first halibut run which lasted for ten days, I noticed one of the ladies making  pizza delivery with two large pizzas in her hands walking and I felt all my senses came alive. Her view from behind especially her long curly hair reminded me of  someone I had left behind me in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Before I knew it I blurted out loud,"I am in love!" The whole room fell dead silenced and even the dog that was lying close to the door asleep raised uup her head to see what was happening. The waitress/owner of the cafe stopped dead in her track and turned around slowly to face me from the distance and seeing her looks I blurted out again and this time even louder, "I am, in Love!" I felt the Captain's hand grabbing mine under the table and he leaned close to my ear and whispered quite tersely, "Shut the fuck up!" That was how I came to let myself be known to the Sandpoint community and the rough tough fishermen and especially to Judy Pennini of who I was. We ended up living together in her trailer home for the next two years or so. Of all the members of the FV Iceland I might have made the best catch of the season.
Mr. Phil Rowe, a former Biker for the Hell's Angels in LA, Calfornia was a crew member of the Iceland, he was also an artist. We almost went head to toe while in the midst of hauling in the lines one dark windy night on the Iceland and was stopped short by the Captain who stood by the galley door with a gun in his hand. We became good friends after that.