Tuesday, April 13, 2021

The First Day of Ramadan. 2021 - COVID Fasting.

 Upadesha saram the essence of the teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi; The Great Yogi, the Maha Yogi is the one whose mind is extinguished, the mind is withdrawn from external objects, completely. The mind that is to be extinguished is the belief that there is an I. When thoroughly investigated the I does not exist Where the thought vanish there appears, by itself the 'I am I', this is Purnam, the infinite,the fullness the absolute. It means I am not the body, nor the mind but the absolute I that cannot be defined except as I and has no other. Does not exist in a world of objects or duality of any kind, that total realization of the self. That is nothing and yet because it's nothing it is also everything but there is no-thing because there is only awareness but that awareness is the absolute and there will be no doubt of it because that sense of I am I  comes with the realization of Sat Chit Ananda the Bliss of luminosity of completeness of perfection. This is who you are... this is always the true import of the term I...as there is no second being to know that which is, that which is is consciousness, we are that. Extinguish the illusion of the ego by creating a mind that is at peace.and that peace will bring clarity and meaning real meaning that I am I and action, action that comes from that perfect consciousness. 

Sunyamurti Satsang on the Eassence of Shri Ramana Maharshi's teachings.

 "Those mind travellers taking this spiritual journey and trying to comprehend this fact will eventually begin to consider themselves to be the only Reality (Haqq). What’s more is that they are plunged into the vortex of unity that they would eventually say ‘I’m God, I do whatever I want and everything is permissible (Mubah) for me’. This is also known as the stage of the Inspired Self, whereby the consciousness receives direct instructions through inspirations concerning its own truth or becomes attached to the whirlpool of the ‘Inspired Self’... If, however, the spiritual wayfarer seeking this fulfilment cannot achieve this realization and ascend to the stage of complete Tranquillity (Mutmainna), then the awareness of Commanding Self (Ammara) takes control of him. After a little while, he begins to feel himself like a Pharaoh endowed with the knowledge of Mulhima (the stage of the Inspired Self), so therefore, he would consider everything as false while he assumes himself as a perfect being with no faults whatsoever. As a result, he would depart the world in such a spiritual state of mind!...

Unless you know the truth of your own self, it is impossible for you to realize the truth of your own Sustainer, because your own self is the veil that screens you from your Sustainer"

Ahmad Hulusi

Today begins the first day of the fasting month of Ramadan and Muslims all over the world will observe this month of abstinence and spiritual discipline. I wish all my brothers and sisters all over the Muslim world the Blessings of Allah in their observation of this Holy of Holy of the Musli month. We are all One at heart and in faith and no matter who or where we are our final destination is back to the One where our source originates and in this no matter how of what our life practice may be it is for us to honor and respect eah other's Ways towards what is Goodness, Love and Compassion for one another. We are each and every one of us a member of humanity and we abide by the same principle in life and that is to serve for the betterment of the specie we call homo sapiens. The rivers are many,but the ocean is One.

Friday, April 09, 2021

The Meaning implied by the name Allah. - Ahmad Hulusi

  It is very well known that according to those who are interested in Sufism, there are four main dimensional realms,(Alam). These are the Universe of Essence, (Alam Al Zat), the Universe of Attributes, (Alam Al Sifat), the Universe of Names,(Alam Al Asma') and the Universe of Actions, (Alam Al Afaal). By realizing the Supreme Truth permeating these Universes a person can certainly liberate him/herself from all suspicions and hence attain ultimate realization through spiritual ascendance (Uruj) and this in return would allow him to know his Truth,(Haqiqat).

We know that the noun 'Allah' is written bu using the Arabic letter starting with the letter ' Alif' which stands single at the beginning while at the same time being free from all the other letters that follows it. Next to the letter 'Alif' are two other letters , the letters 'Lam', which are both connected to each other. The second of these is followed by the letter 'H'. Although it is not visible, there is also another letter, 'Alif' which is invisible between the two last letters. When recited it can function like a short vowel giving the sound of the letter 'A'. ...the first 'Alif' corresponds to the stage of primary'Oneness',(Ahaddiyyat), which signifies the quality of the the One, in other words, the Essence, (Zat) of the one named Allah. The essence cannot be limited in any way whatsoever, or be grasped by any vision, because at the level of the Essence there is absolute freedom which indicates that the Essence is totally independent of all the attributes. In fact it is such a state of NON-EXISTENCE that it cannot be defined or imagine in any way or thought by any means whatsoever. This state is symbolized bythe letter 'Alif' which in exxence is a straight stroke extending vertically from a dot, by standing absolutely independent from all other letters in the writing of the word 'Allah'.

Let us now explain the meaning of the two letters that are tied together in the letter ‘Lam’. The first ‘Lam’ refers to the Universe of Attributes. This means that all that exists comes to life and becomes fully conscious through the qualities and the attributes of this particular dimension. In fact, all universes are made up with the unfoldment of the Divine Names, which is the outcome of the spiritual dimension pointing to the stage of attributes. This is the reason why the first ‘Lam’ or the letter ‘L’ is written adjacent to the second ‘Lam’ or the letter ‘L’ in the Arabic way of writing the word ‘Allah’. Let us now talk about the second ‘Lam’. As can be seen, the letter ‘L’ here is tied to the first ‘Lam’, which simply indicates that the entire existence is made up of the qualities that are inherent within the spiritual station of the Divine Attributes and they subsist in the utmost unity. The Divine Qualities that are present in the level of the Names take their origin from the station of the Divine Attributes. Because of this reason, the second ‘Lam’ can be considered as the repetition of the first one, appearing for the second time as is shown with this demonstrative pronoun. However, this time, it appears with a distinct feature since the meaning and the detail it conveys is not the same. Therefore, it can be said that the second ‘Lam’ takes its origin from the first one, so is not just regarded as a repetition of the first ‘Lam’, but points to a unique stage where innumerable revelations becomes manifest. Therefore, it has been repeated for the second time. Let us now focus our attention on the letter ‘H’. Whether it has been written as a circle figure tied to the second ‘Lam’, which is how it has been written for ages, or it appears in a squared shape as used in Qufi calligraphy in early days of Islam, the letter ‘H’ simply signifies the following. It represents the Universe of Actions exhibiting all the Divine Qualities, which has no beginning or an end; it is nothing other than continuous transformation emanating from the Universe of Attributes and Names. In other words, the letter refers to the myriad of universes in universes and everything that has been perceived in them! In Qufi calligraphy, the letter ‘H’ has two types of shapes. It has either two eyes or two dots on top. This shows that the Universe of Actions can be considered from two perspectives, either as a visible world or an invisible world, depending on the level of the observer and how it is being perceived. The letter ‘H’ is tied to the second ‘Lam’, because the Universe of Actions has no independent existence from the Universe of Names and the Universe of Attributes. What’s more is that the Universe of Actions exists with the qualities emanating from the dimension of Attributes and Names from which it is originated itself. Meanwhile, there is a hidden ‘Alif’ between the second ‘Lam’ and the letter ‘H’. However, its existence is pronounced every time it is being recited. This shows that the Universe of Actions exists with the Will of the Divine Essence, which is within the knowledge (ilm) of Allah Almighty and this continues without any interruption by subsisting in total unity through His Names and Attributes. There is no doubt that people who have attained this truth will certainly realize what we have communicated from the masters of spiritual discovery more comprehensively. This would not only enable them to evaluate what the name ‘Allah’ refers to in a better way, they would also notice why this name has been chosen as the most suitable name. I hope that the information we have presented above, which had already been acquired by many people through their spiritual self discoveries will help us to understand the delicacy of the name of ‘Allah’ in a better way, so that we can use this word in an appropriate manner in the future.

Sunday, April 04, 2021

Mind is a drama queen! Yoy have to let it play itself out...

 Search for words all I can but never finding the right words  of how I feel sometimes sure and sometimes merely drifting. I feel the breath of my Lord touching me in my heart giving the will stay alive after yet another 'mild stroke' or as th doctor called it, hypertension attack and almost passed out totally from consciousness. Without going into the how and where, I did thought I was dying watching my last breath drift away from my body and I prayed to my Lord for forgiveness and surrendered my self. My daughter called on the phone and I was brought back to reality of the physical form of mind and body. I had to get up and drive home. I made it home with no difficulty fortunately and with no one to the wise as to what had happened to me a while before. Sometimes I feel like Mr. Sanford of Sanford and Son old black and white series in the US. Mr.  Sanford would clutch his chest and reach towards heaven for his wife calling for his late wife Elizabeth, "I am coming Elizabeth! This it, the Big One!" but it never came. Fred Sanford survived every major heart attack and with his son build a junkyard empire of Sanford and Son.

I found for me surrendering to the inevitable is the final act of worship; surrendering to the Will of the Lord, to His Infinite Mercy and Compassion has made it simpler to face my final big one as step by step, breath by breath I merge myself into the unknown, the final breath never came, not so far Insha'Allah, God willing. I am not pure enough to return to my Maker, still existing in limbo between this and that shore, drifting into senseless oblivion in purgatory, waiting to be reassign into the next round of life,death and rebirth.However this too is yet another illusion, perceptions of a deluded mind. There is nothing to be written about what is after death will there be life after death.How would it all play out and what of heaven and hell? Judgement Day and reward or retribution? Even the most pious of man carries the same thought in his mind regardless of how strong his or her faith is in the One True Source; our ego centric nature will not allow it to happen. To merge into the ocean of consciousness, like a river into the sea, is a suicide of the ego. To return to the formless, dreamless, state of the unconscious would be like embracing emptiness.Too deep to ponder for an average mind this spiritual concept of non duality, the merging of differences in unity. 

I feel it is getting harder and harder to end this postings that I have kept on doing for over a decade now and all in the name of self healing and soul searching, the quest to meet my true nature, who I truly am. I feel like the closin chapter is at hand and whatever I try to share feels unimportant, they seem like stories, mini series, episodes of a lifetime. It was started with good intentions, wanting to develop my writing skills for lack of better things to do and that was back sometime in 2005 when my close friend Fadzly Mubin in Kuala Terengganu set up my Blog for me. Yes i wanted to write, felt like writing to notes to myself might lead me somewhere on this road to find out and now I am stilll tapping away at the keyboard writing down my thoughts and feelings out in the open was fascinating too. thoughts, thus i have been writing. I started off with the attitude that i will write just the way I speak, nothing fancy and now i am writing about death and heaven and hell!  About Chilli source and soya source that source the binds it all! I do feel like a schizo sometimes trying to stay on track and in balance, its like walking the tight rope while carrying two bucket of crap hanging from across your shoulder. Any sudden shift and shit hits the fan!

There is not much left to say that is worthwhile except for the fact that I feel like the time is near for a major shift in my life, for better or for worse only the Lord knows. Truth be told I have become attached to making these postings and it has become yet another addiction, and there is nothing left t say that have not already been told, try reading my blog between the lines; what I have not written. I feel that I would only lead me into regression on my ongoing personal journey,  I am making my spiritual cleansing of the heart and soul in surrendering to That which Is, beyond form and timeless Divine nature of the Lord of the Universe, the Lord of Power, the Lord of Infinite Love and Compassion; how do i get to put down in words these thoughts that demands to be heard and shared by those that stumble upon these words by chance and pick a diamond in the rough out of a dung heap or two that could alter their lives for the better or worse. These notes to myself helps me to keep my sense of humor and my fingers alive that words may flow from my mind effortlessly so as to justify that i hae fulfilled my vow to share my journey with the world so that NETFLIX  can make a mini series out of it... like the Life and Times of the Cheeseburger Buddha.

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Rambling on...

 More and more of humanity are awakening to the fact that the human specie is primarily ego driven and the demise of the ego is inevitable if the human race if not the Planet itself is to survive the next century. As is evident in the emergence of a greater sense of awareness among the well informed and educated masses especially the younger generation, getting to understand the workings of the mind and consciousness itself has grown in interest worldwide. If there be any hope at all for the human race to climb out of the quagmire that we are in it is through coming to terms with our own understanding. the very nature of our own being or consciousness. Throughout human history mankind has made it his quest to understand who he truly is and how connected is he to the rest of the world in all its shapes and forms. The effect he has on his fellow man, his community, his country and the rest f the universe,with or without his concent or even knowledge.  Religious belief and spiritual practices has been tailored from the dawn of civilization towards urging man to become aware of himself of strength and weaknesses, what he is capable of albeit in his creative or destructive nature. Detrimental to himself and in effect to the rest of the world man has chosen to turn his back upon the teachings of his forefathers resulting in what we have today, a civilization that is headed towards anarchy and self destruction; we are out to hang ourselves as a whole and we are going to take the Planet with us...perhaps meant to be, it is as it should be...karma sucks.

The ego has become the all mighty self perpetuating entity that dominates every aspect of existence in the form of greed, hate and ignorance. From the top to the bottom of the human conscious state the ego has taken man down the road towards confrontation and self serving attitude calling it survival of the fittest.From desiring to become the strongest, the richest, the most admired and adored to that of becoming Demigods, Deities and Demons.the ego has led man astray and many has met with despair resorting towards violence and corruption when these negative traits become overpowering if not fully met and confronted with; we call it aptly; the rat race. Yes we have become like rats racing in every direction scrounging for whatever there is. to stay on top and alive. Whether we are living in the sewer or in the villa in Dubai, we are scrounging for more and more it seems  as though enough is never enough as we hoard and cling on to what we have often oblivious towards the ideals of charity and sharing with those who are in need.

We who are concerned with the state of our environment, it flora and fauna, its health, we are not doing our best. We have neglected if not abused our environment as badly as we can read or watch it all on You Tube; Google and a host of other links on the Internet there is no denial to the fact that you have no excuse not to be aware. Many species of animals have become extinct in the last decade they say/ Our seas and oceans are slowly being depleted to the point of no return by illegal and unregulated fishing activities that is killing much more than the needed catch. We live in self denial and make believe attitude as far as the environmental issues are concern; we are the cancerous virus that our planet is being suffering from, e are destroying out host through our ignorance and arrogance, pride and prejudices, our misbegotten believe that we each and everyone of us exist as an individual, a person with a personality. We grew up with a conditioned sense of perception of who we truly are and how much a responsibility we have as who we are in the grand scale of human condition and evolution and existence itself. 

I realize I am sounding like a broken record to myself repeating all that passes trhough my mind time and again, trying to make sense out of what is non-sense, killig time while waiting for the next wave to come to take em into the unknown, that ' One Step Beyond', It is also a practice of keeping a watch on myself as I drift in and out of this realm  of Maya, the world of illusions, of impermanence and of decadence and death; life has been great but enough is enough. I keep regressing into the ego-mind scenarios of my being a 72 year old man who has spent a good amount of his time finding a cure for his wounded and corrupted soul. The healing process is this ongoing ramblings so as to keep some sort of a record of my progression or regression as i take more steps into the future or as i grow older. My only solace is in the faith that my Lord is oft. Forgiving and Merciful, a Lord of Love and Compassion. I hold this faith within th heart of my heart where my 'secret of secrets are held.' I have to love myself as much as I Love God and submit myself unto Him when I am fully drowned in my own self love. I am old and I am tired in more than one way for my journey has been log and winded one full of sinkholes and trap doors, I have fallen from grace in more tha one way and some in the big way that is beyond rationality. 


Saturday, February 27, 2021

The Greater Jihad - The war Within.

When you listen to the ancient sound of the flute play in the wind with its tunes floating through the forest and valleys, don't you feel like you are Lord Krishna? With all the beautiful Gopis chasing after you and how you entertain them soothing their souls from the trappings of Mara the shadow. When asked the flute how it got to be so blessed that the Godhead blows His breath through its entire body and entertain this realm of Maya. The flute answered, "I am but a humble hollow reed and the Lord but blows his breath through me that He may entertain Himself while keeping an eye over existence itself." Life is a dance, a play, a performance with each and everyone of us has a role to play from our cradle to our grave, life is God's own masterpiece in His Creation, Life is God playing hide and seek with Himself, what else can God do being all by Himself; humanity is the Lord's killing fields and His garden of milk and honey, heaven and hell. Where I stand in the matter is that I am beginning to have a clear understanding of how far or how near I am to the truth, where what is real and what is unreal, what is eternal and what is with and ending, what is form and what is the formless in the true sense of the word understand is to my estimation. However,"The show must go on" as the lyric goes in one of Pink Floyd's songs,and for so long as I am breathing in and out this particular show will go on, in its own time and space; we each play our own roles and make a movie happen collectively.

More and more talks of the planet we are living in is sick and needs to be healed including it inhabitants especially humanity and more and like minded people are getting together the spiritual nature of this our spiritual growth sustainably alongside that of our material to have a strong check and balance over what is and what s not permissible in the code of humanity dictum. I feel we have to come completely out of our shell instead of just sneaking our necks out when it is safe out there; To pull our heads out of the sand and pay greater attention of what is going on around us, how we are self destructing ourselves along with the rest of this our home. We are self fulfilling creatures, mankind,we love the tragedy, we are proud of our history and make it into great movies.  we are a collective part of the whole scene, each doing our own thing, minding our own business and and we live or call it living our days out making a mark here and there and call it a legacy; tragedy is our most favorite and common theme that we as humans like to write about, brag about, sing about, tell our grandchildren about; where was I during the Second World War? or where was I on the day 13th.of May 1969? Where were you living during the COVID19 pandemic? 

The Prophet of Allah, (pbu), is said to have said that mankind has to fight two wars and this second war is his greater Jihad, the Jihad against your own Nafs or ego, your shadow, your darker nature your anger, your pain, your sorrows will all be used against you by your ego; the ego will not and cannot be removed quite as easily as it is an entity that I myself has created over the years or throughout my life. Th ego is who I think myself into being who I am, believing that I am this physical form and that this dual thinking mind is who I am;  Someone said once that to be a great artist or at anything for that matter a small amount of egocentric is needed. One who without an ego is one that is walking this earth in limbo, between heaven and hell, light and darkness, sky and earth, That there may be saints or even Prophets, the perfect man, AlInsan Kamil, is one in a few thousand years, perhaps in the next Yuga when the age of our evolution as a specie on this Planet or in this realm and dimension will take a turn for better or worse; we have to fall upon the spiritual teachings of the ages and find a common ground we all can stand on as a collective force in spirit. A very rare and purified diamond, a splinter of light that has been purified in hell's flames; an egoless man was the Buddha, Shakyamuni Gautama , the Historical Buddha; After countless eons legend has it that the  Buddha incarnated for the final round of experiencing life as a human being and find out the truth about the nature of life, death and rebirth; Why? This is the question that confronts the ego asks ultimately and will not cease to pursue for a truth that can explain where we stand as human beings on this Planet, or even if we deserve to be here after all the waste we have created in our wake...our human experience.



Sunday, February 21, 2021

What is meditation in Action.

 The call to do some form of proper practice in meditation came to me one day in the print making studio at UWGB where the print making club members were busy polishing plate, keep watchful eyes on the acid bath, drawing fine likes on the copper plates.... I was standing bside an elderly member of the group a Mrs. Rossela Kelly, perhaps in her late sixties , we were both busy polishing our copper plates and she elbowed me and said out of the blue, Sam, I think it time for you to make a change!" Yes I believe so, Madame!" I replied without hesitation. My son, Dennis is being ordained a Zen Monk in New York and is planning on opening his own Center, why don't you go and join him." Two weeks or so later I was in Sausalito. San Francisco Bay Area helping Dennis to open his ZenYoga Center at Corte Madeira, Marin County, Ca. I can say that Dennis was my first Zen Instructor, friend and spiritual elder Brother. Despite what happened later in our relationship, I still hold him to be one of the best gift as a Guru, I could not ask for a better 'Nutcase', to crack my consciousness wide open when I needed it most. Dennis Junpo Kelly went on to become an abbot of his own Zen school, The Hollow Bones Zen. To me Dennis is one of those westerners worthy to wear the robes of a Rinzai Zen Master and teach the Way of Zen in the Rinzai Tradition.

Although for a very short time, I was initiated and became a member of the Zen community of the SF Bay Area by Dennis who coached me in the meditation as well as the 'Guirilla Yoga' techniques Ashtanga Yoga; Dennis was a student of B.K.S Iyengar. One can easily Google for more detailed information on this and will undoubtedly prove a useful knowledge. Dennis was at the time a very impressively built handsome man and commanded respect from all his peers. Having spent three years castrated at the San Quentin Federal Penitentary for drug related issues, upon his release chose the spiritual path which took him to India and Sri Lanka where he studied Yoga and meditation practices. He was a true self made man who took on life grabbing the bull by its horns and I was awed and inspired by his presence. 

One day while about to enter the Green Gulch Farm Zen Center Dennis turned to me and shouted out of the blue, "Bahari San! What is an imperturbable mind?" I was given my first Zen Koan to work with whether it was intentional or not and the question was imprinted into my consciousness till today. Whenever I thought of my first Zen Teacher these words comes into my mind and I would meditate on it as a subject to ponder upon and it has seen me through many a circumstances late in my life. Although we parted ways in the worse possible ways one can imagine, I still hold a high regard for my teacher and friend, who took me under his wings and set me on a course towards my own self liberation. He may not forgive me for what had transpired between us that involved his teacher, Eido Shimano Roshi, the only regret  I have is that I had lost a great opportunity to transcend my self deluded egocentric nature possibly if I had I stuck with Dennis in his quest to propagate Rinzai Zen in America...that is another story; but the Dharma works in mysterious ways too.

 It was at green Gulch Farm Zen Community that  was able to do my time as a Zen student for almost two years straight. It was there that I learned to sit and to listen, to heal and become in tune with others who had similar karmic debts like  did to work out. It was at Green Gulch that I discovered my unbounded Buddha Nature, my strength and weaknesses. It was here that I was able to pull myself out of the rut that I was in prior to my life in San Francisco; I owed the Zen community back then my life and forever am indebted to the Teachers and fellow students who I had the opportunity to work with. My gratitude goes out to my Teacher Paul Disco and Blanch Hartman, Ed Brown and several fellow brothers and sisters in the Zen community who were able to accept me despite the fact that I was incorrigible to begin with. Among these practitioners I learned about who I am and where my destiny lies; Gasho! 

"Meditation, if it is real, is an act of Love, of becoming Love, of the commitment to Be Love and to renounce the desire for Love and the objects upon which we project our Love and to make us proxies and substitutes for Love. We must accept no substitute...The first step in meditation is to become free from belief.

" - Sunyamurti Teaching @ Sat Yoga Ashram.

#greengulchzencommunity, #sunyamurtiteaching,#iyengaryoga,#rinzaizen,#satyogaashram, #meditation



Friday, February 19, 2021

Meditate on this...

 My trip to Alaska was accompanied by two worthwhile books to read along the way, one was called," at the Foothills of Georgia" or something like that by G.I.Gurdgief.  and the other was called the "Raja Yoga" by Swami Vivekananda. How I came by these is  another story,By this time I was steep into pursuing all there was to know about meditation, spirituality, religions and the inner workings of my being. I had just graduated from the University of Wisconsin at Gtreen Bay, (UWGB) and with no sense of what to do with myself on a whim decided to take a challenge to head out for Alaska on a one way ticket. I had by then been acquainted with the works of J. Krishnamurti and Alan Watts, the works of Philip Kapleau and Baba Ram Dass, I read Paramahamsa Yogananda and D.T. Suzuki and G.I. Gurdjief among others while working at the University library and so I was well on my way towards having some sense of what I was getting into as far as my spiritual quest was concern. Hence I made my meditation practice as the safety blanket that i carried around with me while embarking into the unknown territories of the West and  Alaska. By then, being in a state of meditation came naturally to me and I often drift away from the crowd to find a quiet spot to sit back and recoup. A small stream in the woods in Tenaway Valley in Cle Alum, Washington State, or a roadside rest area along the highway to Butte, Montana. I often found the peace and comfort within me after sitting quietly by myself and what was more important  was the ability to face all the trials and tribulations that laid before me on this arduous journey and as a matter of fact I often looked forward to what was in store for me instead of being afraid.

I was often asked if I was not scared of getting hurt or killed, being lost or too poor to keep myself alive while on my journey and my answer was always the same, I had given myself up to my Lord and whatever happen to me for better or worse was His doing and I accepting. The only fear I had was not fulfilling my unwritten destiny which often led me to go through life unplanned and often chaotic. My one big salvation was my faith was in the All Mighty to whom I had once in my teenage years out of sheer despair pointed my middle finger up at Him and screamed. F..k You! in the middle of night. It was after this sacrilegious act of defiance that I had let myself go and became short of demonic in my take on life. I knew back then that i was destined to roam the earth a sinner like, "The Wandering Jew". curse by Christ to live forever,never to taste death. When I left my home and country I felt like i was  self exiled, castrated from my own kind and vowed never to look back no matter the consequences and so I kept burning the bridges behind me and this exactly was my state of mind when I left Green Bay. Wisconsin for Sandpoint, Alaska and along with some cash I had managed to beg and scrounge around were the two books that I had on me: I was in my early thirties.

Being on the road, living life from the fringe, I finally began to realize was my meditation practice; I was like a suniasin a sadhu, a mendicant monk travelling from one point to another simply because it was what i had to do in order to stay sane if not attain to some form of spirituality for my wounded soul. The only difference being I set upon a journey on the dark side of my nature, I was an angry man most of my young adult life that had cost me my marriage and ending up loosing my only son back when. I took my anger upon all that I come into contact with, I began to start healing myself through all the different spiritual techniques that would help to become aware of who I truly am. For better or worse I'm waking up from the unreal into the lightness of the real. The anger and sorrow I felt all these years are what created the image that I came to believe of who I am suppose to be. Bit by bit , breath by breath I will keep on peeling away the layers of veils that is around me untill I find the source from where it all began; what greater challenge is there to give oneself while in this human form?

Meditate on This...  

#meditation # G.I.Gurdjief # sandpointalaska #greenbaywisconsin #yoganandaswami #alanwatts #d.t.suzuki

Let's get serious on meditation...part one.

     It takes sometime for the chattering mind to become silent, however it is not impossible and imperative that one be able to silence the incessantly busy mind before the actual or proper state of meditation can happen. This is purely my personal view from my own practice of Zazen or sitting meditation in the Soto Zen tradition of the Zen Patriarch  Dogen Zenji.

Dōgen Zenji, also known as Dōgen Kigen, Eihei Dōgen, Kōso Jōyō Daishi, or Busshō Dentō Kokushi, was a Japanese Buddhist priest, writer, poet, philosopher, and founder of the Sōtō school of Zen in Japan. Wikipedia

Although it is almost impossible to rid the mind of its habitual tendency to chatter, ramble and indulge it all manner of mental formation, it is of utmost importance that one find the space where the mind is silent and be able to observe whatever arise from this quiet space. it is like trying to fall asleep but not wanting to drop off into the sleep state instead to awaken to the fully awaken state of consciousness. What does one hope to achieve from this simple practice is relative to each individual and their own personal understanding. I personally have sought to find the peace and tranquility from my ever so busy and often negative and destructive  egoic mind. I suffer from having an egotistical mental state that has been the cause of many of my faults and failures in life. I also seek to find ways and means to have a good handle on my anger and my fear issues, my low self esteem and my lack of faith in the Divinity of my own being.

My introduction to meditation happened when I was fourteen when my father who was formerly a Buddhist from Sri Lanka before he married my mother and was converted to Islam, saw me sitting in a Yoga posture and told me to study Yoga and practice meditating. I took his advice and sat facing the South China Sea every chance I had staring at the horizon from the beach of the East Coast state of Terengganu. Later at the age of sixteen I joined the Malay martial arts of Silat Seni Gayung and was further encouraged to develop my sense of 'inner engineering' to develop a spiritual capacity for getting in touch with spirit guides that the art features. The art of ''Menurun" or "Peturun', was a form of spiritual trance that one gets into and be possessed by spirit guides or what we used to call spiritual buddies in the martial art. It was inadvertently a part of the martial arts practice to be able to bring the mind into a focus or quiet state to allow for the inner or subconscious being to manifest itself in every moves made while in combat.  In its purest form this state of mindless consciousness was developed and practiced by the Japanese Samurai warrior when using the Katana.

As a teenager growing up along the East Coast I was also very much into free diving in and around the islands off the coast collecting exotic sea shells a a hobby. Diving under water for a long period of time without using any Scuba equipment can be an awakening experience as one becomes lost in time and the mind forget that it was not breathing due to being attracted by the beauty of the corals and exotic fishes one can be lost in what divers called oxygen narcosis, or something to that effect. Although it is not as serious when free diving but one can still feel the change in ones state of mind like becoming intoxicated or high underwater. While in this state I found the mind the mind to be very quiet and deeply focused upon what was around me which was one of the reasons I loved free diving. I wouls tempt fate by hovering like an eagle just above a coral bed and lost myself in time just watching the corals and fishes around me. This was how I felt about beeing in a deep meditative state of consciousness where time and space is lost and only a state of being is present.

Yet later on in my life when I moved to Green Bay, Wisconsin and was exposed to the Wisconsin winter my state of consciousness took a new heightened state as the stark whiteness and the silence of the snow covered landscape posited my mind on deep freeze. Meditating in the cold snow covered landscape or sitting before a warm fireplace during the winter months took my meditation practice to a higher or deeper level as by now I found the literature and studies done on meditation from the University library at UWGB. The sense of awesomeness, of pure silence and stark whiteness and freezing cold that chills your bones of the winter landscape of Wisconsin was like being in a state of hibernation of body and mind. Sometimes I can be found sitting on a rock facing Lake Michigan stretching like a white field into the horizon where it was hard to tell where the sky meets the earth. Sometimes you can find me sitting at my window of the old farm house on Humboldt Road gazing at the stretch of corn field as far as the yes can see like a sea of undulating endless green in summer. When the colors of autumn leaves comes along I would find myself absorbed, mesmerized by the sea of colors that stretches from one end to the other as I stood viewing the fall leaves from the top of the Ski Ramp at Iron Mountain , Michigan, where my landlord, Leon P. Lodl and I would make a trip every weekend to work on an old church he had bought and was converting it to a ski lodge.


to be contd.


Sunday, February 07, 2021

The Buddha goes Live .

   As the Lunar calendar of the Chinese New Year approaches I feel like my time has arrived to tear myself through the China house and shatter this illusion called 'My life' as the final act of defiance as an Ox born; I am going live on You Tube to tell my story. Yes I am evolving from my sketch book journals to my Blogging and now to videos exposing the lives and times of the Cheeseburger Buddha; the stubborn old fool who refuses to give up and fade away quietly into the night. No Sir, this bull of an ox has still got some steam left to kick up a storm among those whose minds are open and genuine enough to share the journey of one who has lived life according to his own rhythm and blues. The journey of self discovery, a journey set about since 1978 when I first decided to keep an ongoing journal/sketch book upon making a trip to England. My first journal after all these years is still with me to remind of my resolution to keep an ongoing journal of my life as an artist, a father, a husband, and the rest.

Telling it as it is with no holds barred except whne what i reveal might incriminate myself or harm others in any way, I will be as honest as I possibly can to share the truth of what it has been like and what it was all meant to be; my life, the quest to realize who I truly am beyond name and form. To share my strength and weaknesses, pleasures and sorrows, my spiritual growth and my decadence of spirit; how far or how near am I towards my self liberation from the cycle of life and death and rebirth as the Buddha had revealed. This has been a journey of self healing. a journey of unveiling of the broken or splintered spirit since the day I was born, an unwanted child given up for adoption and raised for twelve years of my child hood as a Buddhist in a Muslim household and community. This is my story, a story of pain and anger, shame and guilt growing up living on the periphery of life for fear of being abused and ridiculed; how I became a demon in my early years, I grew in to an adult life a very angry entity with a very low self esteem and destructive nature.

Try as hard as I could I still have problem discarding my deep rooted karmic past, my anger and psycho-emotional baggage have become so much a apart of me that I sometimes thought of ending my life prematurely which I attempted on two separate occasions in the past. These are my stories to be unveiled as they arise or if and when they arise accordingly as this is how my mind function or so I have observed over the years. I also realize that these episodes and dramas of my past experiences will continue on to haunt me until I can uproot them completely through self revelation or in short an open confession not before a priest or a psychiatrist but before humanity itself.

Having been converted to Islam at the age of twelve when I was returned to my parents to be raised as such on the the East Coast state of Terengganu, I accepted God as Allah and when I call out to Him in my darkest hours I always call out Ya Allah, Ya Rab, and my only prayer to Him is and has always been Astarghfirrullah al GhafurruRahim. I only sk for His mercy and Forgiveness as I know fully well what a sinner i have been throughout my life. However having been raised a Buddhist for twelve of my childhood years has an impact upon my faith and practice throughout my life and this have been one critical aspect of my lifelong journey, an issue I have been trying to bring to a conciliation and conclusion. 

Thus as stubborn as my nature is I shall keep on plodding towards understanding the whole nature of my existence or what makes me who I am. I put no blame upon others no matter what the circumstances mat be nor do I apologize for what I have committed as this is my journey and mine alone towards the seat of the Lord of Power to Whom I will answer all my transgressions as I present my final analysis, a final portfolio of this journey. But for the Love and grace of my Lord I would have definitely ended in an insane asylum or ended my own life prematurely for I had on any occasions stood on the precipice and stared into the emptiness before me with  a sense of loneliness and despair, often my journals and writings has been there as reminders for me of why I am who I am, my purpose if not responsibility of being on this life's highway.

"Beings are numberless, I vow to awaken with them.

Delusions are inexhaustible, I vow to end them.

The Dharma Gates are boundless, I vow to enter them.

The Buddha's Way is unsurpassed I vow attain it."


Fear - a poem by Khalil Gibran

It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.

She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.

And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.

But there is no other way.
The river can not go back.

Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.

The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.


Sunday, January 31, 2021

Of Love

Love, perfect, complete and unconditional Love for the Self, for all sentient beings, for the Planet and the Cosmos Itself; is a tough act to follow that only a divine nature or God is capable of. This is the original goal and this is the journey of a 'broken soul' seeking to heal itself and become whole again and one with its creator, Insha'Allah, God willing. Nothing else matters as all else is just the background of my existence, all else is just food and fodder for the growth and replenishment of being in the here and now. The body, the mind, time and space are all the props stage for the self expression of this soul while on this plane of existence, this plane that is a self created illusion, an ephemeral stage of being, of impermanence and of life and decadence. LOVE is the only Truth that can ferry me across to the distant shore and consciousness and compassion are the paddles that drives the boat forward. Where would I be without Love.

I look forward to this Year of the Ox with greater determination to complete my journey of self discovery and redemption, to bring to an amicable ending of the Journey of the Cheeseburger Buddha. I have trodden, crawled on my hand and knees, I have tasted the best the worst that life has to offer for this 70 odd years and now I am reborn into the next phase of cleaning up my past and grow further into my future with a greater sense of awareness and inherent joy for myself and the rest of the Universe; it is time to give back that which I have been given, this sense of awakening; Beings are numberless, I vow to awaken with them. The first of the Bodhisattva Vows is still burning in my heart, the will and desire to help others through whatever means I am capable of and become the ferryman that leads others in need towards the other shore. I serve my Lord through servitude towards my fellow creatures through Loving Kindness.  

"A human being is part of the whole. called by us the 'Universe'         , a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts aan feelings as something separated from the rest. a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving to such attainment is in itself is a part of liberation, a foundation for inner security."                                                                                                 A. Einstein.

As I have often enough mentioned in my entire Blog, my intention has been to clean up or erase my thoughts of past memories of all the transgressions I have committed, the stains of my errors that has chained me to this realm of existence. There is no more sense in looking back for justification except in acceptance of what has already been and learning to break free from the tentacles of these errors committed through ignorance. I have done my spring cleaning and house keeping as best I could and by exposing these errors and weaknesses I hope to free myself from their karmic consequences. It is a journey of self confession with the hope that it would help to heal this splintered soul through acceptance, right understanding and awakening to what is the real from the unreal. It is a journey of inner purification uprooting deep rooted karma committed from beginning of time. It has been and still is a terribly lonely and tedious journey of self introspection, a journey towards self liberation. It took me over seventy years to learn how to truly love my self, to trust and love others and to offer my spirit in the servitude to God.

" If you want unconditional love, become a dog." - SadhGuru.


Saturday, January 23, 2021

My 2 cents worth on the New Administration in the USA.

Another President comes into power to sit in the White House's Oval Office and lead the country into the future that is full of uncertainties and tribulations like no other President before him has ever inherited this Seat of ultimate Power in history; can he do it? He can if he does not brush his vice president aside from making decisions for she is the potential thinker and decision maker behind the throne; she has the potential to become the problem solver for the President. However if ego has its way and the President allows his to stand in the way of common sense and true form of justice to uplift the people's spirit that is at present at its lowest ebb, then this administration is going to sink into a sinkhole just like the one before. The new President has to drop politics and embrace social and humanistic recovery like a mother and not a Patriarch who insists upon wars and force to overcome simple domestic turmoils; this President has to listen more so than let his personal thoughts be heard; he has to listen to the heartbeat of the Nation and not the politicians. Howevr it is the fact that a woman has been chosen as the Vice President and a one who is of colored heritage is definitely a key factor in the run of the Biden administration; my two cents worth.

So much for the US Presidential inauguration comment for now, had to do it simply cause i owe it to myself having lived there for 31 years of my life. It was the Nixon and Gerald Ford years when I was there if I am not mistaken, remembered the Watergate and President Ford take over way back when. Like everyone else I love America while at the same time hate it for all the wrong decisions made by the administrations though the years especially thse that had led to a few major wars around the world. Even before I emigrated from Malaysia to the state of Wisconsin sometime in 1974 I was already in love with the country because of President John E Kennedy through his worldwide program of the Peace Corp Volunteers and I had a few secondary school teachers as result who came from the US to teach at my school and one was an Art teacher from Iowa who inspired me. Yes, America was a home away from home and was almost a permanent home for me had I not decided that settling down permanently in the country was a meaningless experience for one who aspired to become a 'Globe Trotter', artist, I needed to return to my starting point and be able to look back and reflect, to compare and evaluate my life as an artist; how far or how near have I arrived at accomplishing my goals of no goal. 

God gave me a canvas and told me to pain my life as I see fit and at the end of my days He will take a look and tell me what he thinks of my Art of Living, as an artist. How i have spent my years and what have I accomplished that i can be proud of or had I wasted my life living a life of mediocrity, being led by the nose along with everyone else like sheep headed for the slaughter house. I took God's offer as a challenge and spun my own series of episodes that had led me to live my life far beyond my means and expectation, living in three different parts of the world and tasting the diverse cultural existence that not too many from my village could have tasted. Had I accepted the offer for me to bacome a US citizen back when I would have settle down somewhere in the country and become just another Tom, Dick and Harry with the same story of living the American Dream of a 9 to 5 life and of hot dog and apple pie, nothing wrong but simply not my cup of tea. I hope and pray that America will rise to greater heights under this new administration and that as promised by the new President, a whole lot of healing and unity shall prevail for the sake of the Nation. It would be a shame for a beautiful country to sink any deeper than she already has becasue of poor administration.   




Wednesday, January 20, 2021

COVID19 - when enough is enough.


During this challenging days of the COVID19 era, I must say I am more fortunate than most in finding my routine t face the day to day preoccupation of my daily presence. I am grateful for the blessings I have been showered with, the small miracles that things happen as I would hope them to with the most of ease, with minor vexations to face. I gave up all hope of improving myself if not better understand who I truly and how or what my purpose is in livng this life for the past 70 odd years, In truth I am beginning to see that my life's intention has been materializing little by little and I am closer and closer towards knowing my true nature. I hope and pray that this is not yet just another illuson i am creating for myself and even if it is, I pray from deep in my heart and my souls that I do catch a glimpse of the truth that i seek; that I do know my Lord up close and personal for me Allah, (God), is the only truth there is and worth sacrificing my life for in the effort to fully realize this in my mind, body and soul. I will use the word God as I write instead of Allah for self revealing reasons and not out of any other belief otherwise. 

Today I learned of the hardships that many are facing in their daily lives during this pandemic from one of my nephews. How those who own businesses are closing up shop and how things are getting more expensive to afford inorder to run a business. Everyone at all levels are facing a crunch and the poor and needy are the front-liners of this pandemic victims. The virus itself does not do as much damage as the attempt at finding the proper system of containment of the pandemic itself. The power that be in this country has practically thrown down the towel in the handling of the crisis while the nation is facing a political and economic turmoil. It is like hitting the panic button before the need to with snap decisions being made based on political expediences rather than facing  the real threat with complete awareness and transparency ; accepting the fact that we need to act with complete determination towards what we as a nation are facing. There is no other factors especially not the political bickering between unsatisfied political parties, we as a nation whose lives and livelihood are at stake will have to wake up sooner than later to the dire reality that we are up against; we are living in a sick global society.

The fortunate and the well to do, at least materially speaking, will most assuredly shake their heads and frown at just another some what bleak look at where we are at as a humanity, but the poor and down trodden, those who barely makes ends meet have begun to buckle under the unprecedented stress the state we are in presently and this I am speaking of globally. To say we are on the brink f extinction is not too far fetched most observers of the fate of humanity would reluctantly agree as we as a specie is no doubt set on a course of a monumental collision with our own egocentric nature; the "Tower" is about to collapse from too much top heavy. We have been building an inverted pyramid unlike our predecessors; ours are build upon a foundation or Greed, Hate and Ignorance, while supporting an illusory dream world for the benefit of the few. Our world is way off balance and is gradually toppling over despite all the efforts to prop it up by artificial means. We as a specie endowed with capacity to think has abused our God given trait and allowed our personal ego to run the show for self gratification and we call it, survival of the fittest. Enough is never enough, violence has become the mode of problem solving while ignorance as bliss is the norm.

Where do we turn to in these times of great challenges? As is said, behind every dark cloud is a silver lining or there is a light at the end of the tunnel  We can hope and pray that there is. However hoping an prayers is not enough to cut through this conundrum we are in, we need to venture into deeper levles of our consciousness and bring out the best in us collectively; we have to unchan ourselves from this bondage of feeling that we are defeated or helpless. We have to seek that wisdom lost in dealing with our inner self in how to cope and turn around what is negative into positive, turn this catastrophe into a victory for the soul of humanity Lesson are being put forth for us to redeem ourselve from our errors and amendments are to be made to rectify our mistakes and know that God is on our side. We have to realize the truth behind the veils of falsehood and delusions created to dismember us, we have to forge that unity to be able to stand and say enough is enough.     


Saturday, January 16, 2021

My two cents worth on how to clean up our mess.- you can start by doig your own dishes.

We are living in a country run by Marshal Law and a failed government that has taken the easy way out by laying it all down into the hands of the King and the soldiers. The economy is slip sliding into an economic meltdown and the people are definitely not happy to say the least. The state of emergency declared by the King under the advice of the ruling government is not going t help much towards making things any better, worse perhaps, better no. The call for national lock down due to the pandemic is like putting a plug to a pressure cooker about to explode due to overheating from within. A valve is what is needed to release the built up pressure, however the valve that was implemented for this purpose is non-functional and thus we can be looking forward to a major blowout if things keeps on heading in this same direction; there is only so much a pressure cooker can take.

There is no sense in moaning and groaning if one cannot offer any form of insight or creative suggestions towards providing a solution to help ease the pressure. Hence my two cents worth; firstly we as a nation have to act collectively in a clean up operation; we have to put our house in order, massive housekeeping project has to be carried out and no excuses not to do so. In any major construction industry the slogan, Safety First is displayed at the most crucial points at the site. Most contractors would look upon it with disdain as it cost them time and money where Safety is concern, however, many lives and would be fatal accidents were avoided due to Safety regulations and a sense of collective mutual respect was achieved in the same process. I am talking from over ten years of working experience in the field of work safety; it is not a matter of just making sure no one gets hurt or the environment is not harmed, it is strong psychological glue that can bond people together as a collective whole.; Safety is a state of Mind, your and mine, together we can make it happen.

House Keeping is the first step to any Safety Rule for only through a good housekeeping practice can the overall function of any construction site will run smoothly. Good housekeeping is like  walking into a Wall Mart or a Safeway shopping mall where all is in order and easily excess-able in plain sight with plenty of room for excess and egress; this is what a country has to have implemented as part of its infra structure. Housekeeping simply put will clean up every nook and cranny, underneath the bed and the carpets, no secrets and no hidden agendas is not exposed into the ight and dispose off; a good housekeeping will clean and clear up the air and we can breath better.

We are not only living in an environmental deplorable state but we are also living in a massive denial mental mode while trapped in a warped spiritual and religious conundrum; our house needs to be fumigated and vacuumed and mopped from top to bottom. What is so drastic about cleaning up your closets, making your own bed and cleaning your toilets and your bedrooms and your yard and your neighborhood and your city and your country? The journey of a thousand Lis begins where the heart is; think locally and act globally and all that stuff. You are not breaking any laws nor are you sitting at home like a pigeon moaning and groaning your fate. You are living in a cell due to all the restrictions and constrictions, and then there is the Military, the Police and the Civil Defense and especially 'RELA'! all are unleashed to make life extra miserable for us; what have we got to loose? Lets grab a broom and garbage bags and start our mission our first step towards self reliance and the future of our country. If you catch my drift, good, if you think this is a joke well, I'll let you settle comfortably numb in your own state of self serving state of delusion while they fumigate your home and your whole neighborhood with toxic fumes of God knows what in order to protect you and your children from any other pandemic than the COVID19.         

Friday, January 15, 2021

How does Music affect your consciousness?

 There is a rhythm to life just as there is a rhythm to the movement of the cosmos and the flow of water down the river from the mountain tops to the sea. There is a rhythm to the human physical and mental state that to most is imperceptible while to others is like a boy  in the hood walking down his street with a boombox on his shoulder.. It is imperative that one has to imbued into one's consciousness an orchestra or a Bob Marley and the Wailers tune, that one might find the rhythm of one's flow in life. The rhythm by which you move your physical body as well as your inner energy and your mental state in synchronicity is vital towards the groove  of your physical, mental and spiritual equilibrium,A balance neither too far to the left or right, too high or too low, too wide or too narrow and so forth; the middle way is this way. In order to keep the vital energy flowing and the body and mind rejuvenated the inner rhythm has to be kept in motion and this can be in the form of resonance or rhythmic sound; OMMMM! or the Star Wars Theme of John Willams, theme from  Hans Zimmer's The  Last Samurai  Sound in the right frequency and orchestrated to perfection  when introduced to the brain can act as a source of rhythm that stimulates your cells in the brain and the rest of the physical body. Just as a repetitious movement like whirling in a circle as performed by the dervish can awaken our inner rhythm and allow for the free flow of pure energy throughout the physical as well as the spiritual consciousness.

Without any sense of a rhythm one function in a herky jerky kind of motion, stumbling back and forth with every step you take and every decision you make.A movie without its proper soundtrack is not complete.There is a lack of spontaneity that is present in motions moved without a sense of rhythm, the mind is often lost in its chaotic random rise and fall of unconnected thoughts. Musicians are often in deep state of meditative trance when performing their music as thoughts are not necessary and often and impediment to the smooth flow of their performances. Dancers are often lost in fluid motion allowing their bodies to flow with the vibrations of the sound of music or the tapping of a drum alone. The repetitious rhythm of a tune when listened can transport one into an alternate state of being from the one one is trapped become stagnated in, just a any form of drug would. Its hypnotic effect on the mental state will trigger a change that opens up new and uncharted states of consciousness if one is open to it. "Sahale - Djinn a 'Techno music form produced by Cafe DeAnatolia Ethno World on You Tube is a 6 hour long continuous music is one such transforming vibe that if listened for an extended period of time, The 3 hour long extended version of the Last of the Mohicans is another tune found on You Tube that can create trance-like state of consciousness; or rather a less thought infested mind.

As it is no small matter when trying to empty the mind it is not however impossible and there many ways of getting the mind to become less hectic and chaotic among which off course a meditative state of consciousness is the most preferable if not reliable. However the effects of sound-waves is no small matter when it comes to working with the mind if not the entire physical system where cells are present as cells i strongly believe enjoys the vibration of good music like the hoola girls swaying to the rhythm of the ukulele and native drums, so does the human cells resonates to external good vibes. Imagine it to be like a field of oats or rice swaying in the wind  giving it a sense of  collective spirit or consciousness. Classical Indian music of Ravi Shankar or meditative chants like those performed by the Tibetan monks, or a Gregorian Monastic chant, can evoke a sense of collective consciousness in the mind as well as bringing it to a quiet settled state.of silence and tranquility. We have it within our means to attain these states through employing the technologies available to us and yet most of us do not take advantage of these conveniences, like the You Tube and so forth. 


Thursday, January 14, 2021

A Belated New Year's Resolution.

 One of my 'New Year's Resolution', as I always mad several each passing year in the past is that  would die and be reborn; I want to be a born again. A born again what? I want to be born again as who I was when I was five or six years of age living as  did in the fifties growing up as child among the mangrove swamp at Kampung Selut, Sungai Pinang. I was born alongside my twin brother sometime in August of 1949, we were born among the mud skippers and century crabs the murai taik and ketam selut, the wild and shrply hutan deruju, a nasty looking bush that looks like the English thistles, the rpickly plants that they hang around doors during Christmas, we were born in a village where the high tide would reach three to four inches just below th surface of the house floors. This is where I would like to be be reborn; #96-H Sungai Pinang Road, Penang.

I would like to die from this physical and be reborn living along with my mother and father, Aunties and Uncles, siblings and cousins; Rumah Nenek or grandma's house., it was called. I would like to be able again to take a swim in the high tides among my chidhood friends every chance i got, catch watter snakes and shoot at unfornuate birds and every creature that was unfortunate enough to become a target with my catapult. Look for Siput  Lokan buried in the mud beneath the Hutan Deruju while getting ierced mercilessly by the the thorns. I would like to fall asleep everynight to the rythm of the old grandfather's clock, tick! tock! tll the the whole village and its denizens false silent. I would like to the shrill call of Burung Murai or magpies and bulbuls, the call of the roosters and throughout the kampung announcing yet another morning to rise and play! Waking up to discover surprises, what the night's high had left behind while I was asleep, a dead duck a torn up doll or a Japanese rubber slipper with a broken strap, the flotsam would often included human waste that was being lifted from the open toilets around the village and delivered to your doorsteps. Yes, I would like to die and be reawaken bakc into my childhood years growing up ni a mangrove swamp. 

My second resolution is to sleep and enjoy my dreams as I wish them to be, now a cowboy in thw Wild West now Tarzan or the Apes in the heart of the African forest, now Morgan the Pirate then Robin Hood, I used to look forward to sleeping at night becaue i had the ability to become the Hero and Director of my own dreams. No mountains too high nor rivers too wide and I could fly, I could fly like the birds that see around when I play around the village. The nights were always dark all around us outside the 'Atap' house buit six feet up in the air mounted on stilts, we had no electricity in my childhood years and the smell of kerosene lamps filled the air as we slept. I could be who I wanted to be in my dreams and for me as a child I learned much from my dreams; I was free to create as much as I wished, whaever roles I chose to enjoy and nightmares were very rare.

These are my two New Year's resolution and silly as it may sound, I could not think of a better desire for a resoluton to make. The rest are minor ones like I will donate my body to the Medical Research Institute for their use upon my death. This I wish to do if feasible in honor of my mother's memory in her struggles against Tuber Culosis spending 9 years of her life at the Lady Templar's General Hospital as case study for TB. For nine years as a lab rat, my mother devoted her time to sewing mostly of teddy bears and rabbits to be donated to the orphans' homes during Christmas. During those nine years we hardly saw her as in those days traveling from Penang to Kuala Lumpur was an undertaking that requires some of money and we could barely imagine as kids. All I can remember was the day we sent her off a the train station in Butterworth, I think it was the first time I saw my first train, what a thrill despite sending my sick mother off to spend 9 years of her life being cut and open in her chest. In her later years my mother carried her scars around with pride as only her smile would betray otherwise every time our eyes met.I could never reach out and hug my mother nor she me and for this I wish to remember her by donating this physical body towards medical research (if it is still acceptable when the time comes.)

Yes, that's about it my New Year's Resolution of this year 2021. I realize that most of it are just wishful thinking, but lets see how much of it will manifest in the course of time. I have lived through some of the most exciting and eventful years in the history of this planet on looking back seventy years from the time my twin brother and I appeared right in the middle of the mangrove swamp known as Kampung Selut, Sungai Pinang, Pulau Pinang.