Entertaining my subconscious.

Listening to my al time favorite, a tune that moves my spirit from the frst time heard it played on an Long Play Album at a dorm apartment of the University of Wisconsin , Green Bay, Wisconsin in 1979. I had just returned from trip to the South West States of New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado, living out f my Chevy Impala 1965 model which was flattened on her passenger from front to the back by a hit and run accident on Highway 666 on the border between New Mexico and Colorado between the small towns of Gallup and Durango. It happened at one in the morning in total darkness with drizzling rain and it happened on the Navajo Reservation. It was an unforgettable experience, but strangely enough I was not afraid even as it happened for i was fully awake and had anticipated the crash. I remember having raised my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around them as the car made a ne complete spin on the wet tar surface when she was sideswiped. I even remeber telling myself that if I was going to be hit it might as be on my passenger's side and swerve the car into the left lane.Yes I was saved by the Grace of the Lord or should i say that of the Virgin Marry whose image was stuck on the dashboard of the car. The Chevy had onc belonged to Grandma Counard my girlfriend's grandmother who gave it to her and who sold it to me for two US dollars so as to get the paper works done for the transfer of ownership.

It was the first time I was listening to the song "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd and it was a revelation of sorts for me although I was on the verge of being wiped out by a bottle of Whiskey which the owners of the apartment had provided me to sooth my nerves after a long and weary travel across the United States from the Northern City if Green Bay, Wisconsin to the South to the small town of Tombstone, Arizona. I must have written about this incident a dozen of tie over the years but sometimes it comes back to me as i woke up this mornig and I had to write wondering where or what it will reveal if I keep on writing.

The subconscious mind has its ways of revealing its hidden secrets if and whenever I am in the right state of mind - like no mind is the best state of mind. In moments like these I would be exposed to thoughts that are seemingly random and revealing to what I have been trying to understand about myself. This morning as I sat outside and after feeding the birds with bread crumbs my mind was relatively quiet. Before me were dark hevy rain clouds hovering over the green Penang Hill and the fields of the race course to my right was lush green, it was like I was in some cool western country where winter was around the corner. Suddenly the thought, You are the Atman, you are not the body or the mind, came into my head. In this dimension of your existence you are the creator, the projector of what you behold. You are the master of your own destiny and your will shall be done. Like Wow! Where did that come from  asked myself, I have long since learned not to allow my ego to entertain any further implications on this and so I as a Muslim simply recited a short prayer, Astargfirullah ilAzim, simply asking for forgiveness lest I get carried away with this self aggrandizement, Howqever i did felt elated for the moment and decided it was time to make some breakfast for myson to take with him to work. It helps me to remind myself that I am also the servant of humanity in whatever form it may be.

  

The Rambling must go on....

 As the CORVID- 19 pandemic seems to still keep lingering on and most of life has been practically turned upside down for the rich and poor alike staying home has become an option that most makes sense to me. As the saying goes, careful what you wish for and i have often wished for the solitary and silence in the comfort of my own home where i can look deeper within than having to deal with the externals. I know from years of having the same delusion that the externals is just as valid as the inner state and there is no difference to content with. I am projecting my own inner state of consciousness just as I have been doin for most of my life. My mind will always be playing the tunes of old songs repeating again and again every time I let my sense of awareness down, if nothing else i have come to realize that my mind is about the worse of my enemies in this life and there is not much that I can do about it. No amount of meditation and contemplation and no amount of getting stoned or drunk can make the difference, my mind will always be trying to bring me down towards my weaker and self defeating nature, of low self esteem and depression and worse of all yet to, fear.

I am getting too old I know to be regressing in getting my life straight, but I also have come to realize that in my quest towards self discovery or whatever name I have been giving it has done very little to heal my emotions and my thoughts are the same ols thoughts that i have had since I was young. The only consolation i feel that I have is the fact that I have been able to create an environment where I can keep on practicing what I ahve started and care for my two children as best I can. My inner journey has become my own personal trials and tribulations to deal personally with no hope for help from anyone else; I have to walk my own path to the end for better of worse. This Blog has been an ongoing record of where i ahve been and where I am headed God only knows. I have put faith into so many religions and belief systems  that I have lost faith in myself, in who I am or what I am; I have lost the confidence that I had in myself when I was not concern with the question of being in the right or being good. Most of my questions about the nature of my being has been answered at one time or another, however nothing seems to last as I keep slipping and regressing into self doubt and depression.

I find myself lately wasting my time watching movies and listening to talks and lectures on the interenet, mostly just to occupy my mind and I keep on posting sketches from my journals of my past on to the Face Book in order to keep those interested entertained if not learn something from them. I have distanced myself from my close friends and fellow artists here simply because I have lost the desire to deal with any more new dramas that would trigger my mind to latch on to as it always does. In short I am living day to day hoping that it will all come to an abrupt end, my life snuffed out from this round of my existence, even my prayers seem shallow and it seems like I am destined to ride this roller coaster whether I like it or not. If there is any silver lining to this state of consciousness that I am going through it sure is not showing on the horizon, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel I am in. I can only say one thing for it is worth, it is that I will not give up this route I have chosen. I will perservere and keep on digging deeper for answers and demand that my right be met with as a being seeking the light of truth till the day I die. 

"Eternity does not mean having endless time, it means timelessness." " If you want to experience infinite enlightenment, you need to get the past and the future out of your mind and stay in the present."

Shams-i-Tabrizi.

 

How I got myself to Sandpoint, Alaska.-1982

OM - Lead us from the unreal to the real,

          Lead us from the Darkness to light,

          Lead us from death to immortality.

Om,,,Peace...Peace...Peace.

My friend Robert Sergei and I left Green Bay, Wisconsin on the First of May and we made a pit stop at a small town called Little Suamico where Robert had some friends who were setting about to plant some 500 pine trees as an ecological venture. From there we set our journey West towards Seattle Washington which took us three days. We traveled in Rob's car a beat up Chevy Nova that had leaky fuel tank that had to be refilled every 60 miles or so; it was long and arduous journey where we slept by the roadside parks all the way when nights fell. I hardly knew Rob whom I met a month or so before the trip where we had a two man art exhibition at the Belin Hospital in Green Bay; Rob was a photographer and I was very impressed by his works which were mostly taken in, the Aleutians, Alaska. The pictures were so out of this world in nature that I became obsessed making a trip to the places they were taken even if theyw ould take me to Alaska and that was how I persuaded myself into buying a one way ticket North to Alaska.

 

   

I met Ms.Judy Pennini on the fourth of July 1982 after out fishing for Halibuts for ten days out in the Bering Sea along with four other crew members including the Captain. We had a good catch and had headed for the only restaurant in town, the Windward Cafe ran by two young ladies, Ms. Judy and Ms.Brenda, both from the 'Lower 48s'. How i made my acquaintance with Judy was perhaps one episode that the fishing community including the Boat owners and crew of most of those present for the Halibut season at Sandpoint, would forever cherish as a story worth laughing over as a fish tale. It being the 4th of July, the Windward Cafe was jam packed with customers who most had returned for the occasion; it was a mixed bunch of rough tough fishermen and well mannered lords and ladies of the small fishing community and most were two sheets to the wind. Being the last to enter the place, the crew of the Iceland led by her Captain Donald Bark sat at the first table closest to the door. When we entered I got the feeling like what was going through everyone's mind as they turned to notice our entry, the saying,"Look what the cat dragged in!" never rang more true in my mind; we were a filthy mess fresh from the sea, with no time to shit shower or shave. I might have been the only colored guy among the Aleuts and their spouses and the red necks from down south. To help celebrate the occasion and our bountiful catch, the crew of the Iceland had also just emptied a whole bottle of Jack Daniels, so much of what happened was like in a daze to me and beyond my control, pretty much

As we sat facing the whole crowd of rumbling conversations of fishermen recapping their tales of the first halibut run which lasted for ten days, I noticed one of the ladies making  pizza delivery with two large pizzas in her hands walking and I felt all my senses came alive. Her view from behind especially her long curly hair reminded me of  someone I had left behind me in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Before I knew it I blurted out loud,"I am in love!" The whole room fell dead silenced and even the dog that was lying close to the door asleep raised uup her head to see what was happening. The waitress/owner of the cafe stopped dead in her track and turned around slowly to face me from the distance and seeing her looks I blurted out again and this time even louder, "I am, in Love!" I felt the Captain's hand grabbing mine under the table and he leaned close to my ear and whispered quite tersely, "Shut the fuck up!" That was how I came to let myself be known to the Sandpoint community and the rough tough fishermen and especially to Judy Pennini of who I was. We ended up living together in her trailer home for the next two years or so. Of all the members of the FV Iceland I might have made the best catch of the season.

Mr. Phil Rowe, a former Biker for the Hell's Angels in LA, Calfornia was a crew member of the Iceland, he was also an artist. We almost went head to toe while in the midst of hauling in the lines one dark windy night on the Iceland and was stopped short by the Captain who stood by the galley door with a gun in his hand. We became good friends after that.

 

Each sketch and each picture is a moment in time and space telling their own tales.

 

A

37 Years ago, in 1983 I wrote these in my journal.- I was in Sandpoint, Alaska.

All dependency on other than one's self is Pain

Whatever is controlled by one's self, is Pleasure.

Know tis to be briefly, the definition of Pain and Pleasure.

                                The Lawbook of Manu. - 

Written in 1983 at Sandpoint, Alaska.

And look at me pass my age of 30 and still can't get my shit together. Here I am sitting in a Trailer Home in Sandpont, Alaska, passing al kinds of judgments over myself. Still asking what is the connection between the pain and pleasures of my life, how limiting can a amn get. My justification trip has not ended, sad to say, it has taken a different  shape and forms. I am the same still running in circles over some sad old songs I once sang out of tune. Selling my painting on the street, that's what Ia m doing, selling mu painting on the street. Nothing is worse in this life than the illness call, sefl doubt- it crippling both to the body and mind. I am still the same - only my doubts have changed. 

But for a Malaysian Boy from the 'Sungai Pinang Village (Better known bakc when as Kampong Selut,) I am not doing too shabby. I have come a long way from home and even if I am sitting here all by myself drinking this Budweiser Light and listening to the album 'WAR' on the stereo, I am happy to be who I am.I know I am in love with a woman who will share the rest of my life with me- this I fully accept now with no doubts. My future quests for truth and consequences...well who can tell. They call me the 'Gypsy Man', a Gypsy Man ain't got no home.

I am a boat painter now, painting boats both on canvasses as well as on the vessels themselves. I have just started working on the Fishing Vassel, Miss Ingrid and she belongs to Dicky Jacobsen. Sold a painting of the F.V. Rossella to the owner , Mr. Don Eubanks.

A letter from Charles S. Lueck, attorney at law, University of Wisconsin- Madison, Accounts Receivable Office - They are ready to crucify you, Bahari!, if you don't start payingbakc your direct student loans. Maybe thy will have to fly me out of here first and perhaps later they will let me paint or teach art in prison, or maybe if I return my diploma they will have a little more compassion and let me pay the back when I really can.

AAH Soh!! Quoting my former Professor and friend, Mr. Elmer Havens: "Every stage along life's way is fraught with these times of seeming directionless-ness, self doubt, fear and groping in the dark when nothing seems clear!"

Aah! So! Perhap I will feel better tomorrow.

Someone mentioned once somewhere that you are never to trust any man who writes about himself. At my age now, I do not give a damn if they trust me or they don't. I write to understand myself; my moments of doubts and ignorance.Perhaps it is not the wisest thing, it is ti admit to yourself your inner faults; Death is at my door, what have I to loose? I want to be awakw when we come face to face. If nothing else ut of this very ignorance I would like to grab it by the neck and demand for a bloody answer as to, why was i born in the first place. Only the heart may know. Life is suffering, upon this I will meditate: suffering is because of desire. My cardianl sin; desire! Nothing can be said that is not a desire even the very desire for me to wade through the quagmire of my desires and understand it, is a desire. To admit to yourself is not enough, to accept as you and to renounce as not anymore yours is necessary.

Some 34 years ago I was thinking along the same line as I am today about my life and practices towards self discovery. I would not have remembered this had it not been for my 34 year old journal kept while I was in Sandpoint, Alaska, loated in the Pacific Northwest in the Bering Sea; my quest did not began yesterday and this I can prove to myself.

#sandpoinalaska, 

   

10 Days in Giswil, Switzerland with My son-Timo A.

 A