37 Years ago, in 1983 I wrote these in my journal.- I was in Sandpoint, Alaska.

All dependency on other than one's self is Pain

Whatever is controlled by one's self, is Pleasure.

Know tis to be briefly, the definition of Pain and Pleasure.

                                The Lawbook of Manu. - 

Written in 1983 at Sandpoint, Alaska.

And look at me pass my age of 30 and still can't get my shit together. Here I am sitting in a Trailer Home in Sandpont, Alaska, passing al kinds of judgments over myself. Still asking what is the connection between the pain and pleasures of my life, how limiting can a amn get. My justification trip has not ended, sad to say, it has taken a different  shape and forms. I am the same still running in circles over some sad old songs I once sang out of tune. Selling my painting on the street, that's what Ia m doing, selling mu painting on the street. Nothing is worse in this life than the illness call, sefl doubt- it crippling both to the body and mind. I am still the same - only my doubts have changed. 

But for a Malaysian Boy from the 'Sungai Pinang Village (Better known bakc when as Kampong Selut,) I am not doing too shabby. I have come a long way from home and even if I am sitting here all by myself drinking this Budweiser Light and listening to the album 'WAR' on the stereo, I am happy to be who I am.I know I am in love with a woman who will share the rest of my life with me- this I fully accept now with no doubts. My future quests for truth and consequences...well who can tell. They call me the 'Gypsy Man', a Gypsy Man ain't got no home.

I am a boat painter now, painting boats both on canvasses as well as on the vessels themselves. I have just started working on the Fishing Vassel, Miss Ingrid and she belongs to Dicky Jacobsen. Sold a painting of the F.V. Rossella to the owner , Mr. Don Eubanks.

A letter from Charles S. Lueck, attorney at law, University of Wisconsin- Madison, Accounts Receivable Office - They are ready to crucify you, Bahari!, if you don't start payingbakc your direct student loans. Maybe thy will have to fly me out of here first and perhaps later they will let me paint or teach art in prison, or maybe if I return my diploma they will have a little more compassion and let me pay the back when I really can.

AAH Soh!! Quoting my former Professor and friend, Mr. Elmer Havens: "Every stage along life's way is fraught with these times of seeming directionless-ness, self doubt, fear and groping in the dark when nothing seems clear!"

Aah! So! Perhap I will feel better tomorrow.

Someone mentioned once somewhere that you are never to trust any man who writes about himself. At my age now, I do not give a damn if they trust me or they don't. I write to understand myself; my moments of doubts and ignorance.Perhaps it is not the wisest thing, it is ti admit to yourself your inner faults; Death is at my door, what have I to loose? I want to be awakw when we come face to face. If nothing else ut of this very ignorance I would like to grab it by the neck and demand for a bloody answer as to, why was i born in the first place. Only the heart may know. Life is suffering, upon this I will meditate: suffering is because of desire. My cardianl sin; desire! Nothing can be said that is not a desire even the very desire for me to wade through the quagmire of my desires and understand it, is a desire. To admit to yourself is not enough, to accept as you and to renounce as not anymore yours is necessary.

Some 34 years ago I was thinking along the same line as I am today about my life and practices towards self discovery. I would not have remembered this had it not been for my 34 year old journal kept while I was in Sandpoint, Alaska, loated in the Pacific Northwest in the Bering Sea; my quest did not began yesterday and this I can prove to myself.

#sandpoinalaska,