As the CORVID- 19 pandemic seems to still keep lingering on and most of life has been practically turned upside down for the rich and poor alike staying home has become an option that most makes sense to me. As the saying goes, careful what you wish for and i have often wished for the solitary and silence in the comfort of my own home where i can look deeper within than having to deal with the externals. I know from years of having the same delusion that the externals is just as valid as the inner state and there is no difference to content with. I am projecting my own inner state of consciousness just as I have been doin for most of my life. My mind will always be playing the tunes of old songs repeating again and again every time I let my sense of awareness down, if nothing else i have come to realize that my mind is about the worse of my enemies in this life and there is not much that I can do about it. No amount of meditation and contemplation and no amount of getting stoned or drunk can make the difference, my mind will always be trying to bring me down towards my weaker and self defeating nature, of low self esteem and depression and worse of all yet to, fear.
I am getting too old I know to be regressing in getting my life straight, but I also have come to realize that in my quest towards self discovery or whatever name I have been giving it has done very little to heal my emotions and my thoughts are the same ols thoughts that i have had since I was young. The only consolation i feel that I have is the fact that I have been able to create an environment where I can keep on practicing what I ahve started and care for my two children as best I can. My inner journey has become my own personal trials and tribulations to deal personally with no hope for help from anyone else; I have to walk my own path to the end for better of worse. This Blog has been an ongoing record of where i ahve been and where I am headed God only knows. I have put faith into so many religions and belief systems that I have lost faith in myself, in who I am or what I am; I have lost the confidence that I had in myself when I was not concern with the question of being in the right or being good. Most of my questions about the nature of my being has been answered at one time or another, however nothing seems to last as I keep slipping and regressing into self doubt and depression.
I find myself lately wasting my time watching movies and listening to talks and lectures on the interenet, mostly just to occupy my mind and I keep on posting sketches from my journals of my past on to the Face Book in order to keep those interested entertained if not learn something from them. I have distanced myself from my close friends and fellow artists here simply because I have lost the desire to deal with any more new dramas that would trigger my mind to latch on to as it always does. In short I am living day to day hoping that it will all come to an abrupt end, my life snuffed out from this round of my existence, even my prayers seem shallow and it seems like I am destined to ride this roller coaster whether I like it or not. If there is any silver lining to this state of consciousness that I am going through it sure is not showing on the horizon, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel I am in. I can only say one thing for it is worth, it is that I will not give up this route I have chosen. I will perservere and keep on digging deeper for answers and demand that my right be met with as a being seeking the light of truth till the day I die.
"Eternity does not mean having endless time, it means timelessness." " If you want to experience infinite enlightenment, you need to get the past and the future out of your mind and stay in the present."
Shams-i-Tabrizi.
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