Had I really lived? or Had I merely existed?

  The Insanity is pandemic as the world spins out of control with one nation after another falling into chaos with conflict after conflict being engineered to feed the military machine of the self proclaimed super powers that hungers for hegemony of the planet. It is rather sad to see the United States imploding into a sink hole of its own making day by day loosing the respect and admiration of other nations in that it had at one time carried the banner of freedom and justice in their eyes. It is like the salt itself has turn bad and there is nothing left to depend on when it comes to the preservation of human pride and dignity in self determination as a nation. Never in the history of man has there been a more paradoxical twist in the state of affairs as far as the planet and humanity itself where the best and the worse of possibilities is being manifested both creating and destroying at the same time. We are eating and shitting on the same plate we eat! While we celebrate the great achievements we have made in all our fields of endeavors albeit scientific, technological or aesthetics and so forth, we are at the same time fermenting death and destruction towards our fellow man. For every sophisticated weapon we create we are creating misery for those these weapons are aimed at and being typically human we justify our way out of every transgressions we have committed. And we ask where is God in all these! Where is the Divine in us that we can turn to for the sake of our own sanity if nothing else.

There is no sense in pointing our fingers here and there in order to find the faults that lies in others rather than within ourselves. As a human we are all complicit in everything that transpires before us within and external and it does not take genius or a mystique to spell it out for us where or what we need to do in order to realign ourselves to accord with the cosmic groove and to be in sync with the flow of nature. We just have to wake up on the right side of the bed and make our bed after before we embark upon making the world a better place for all. We simply have to look into the mirror and smile at what is looking back at us and feel grateful that we are still alive and aspire to be more so when we step out of the bath room. As we eat our breakfast we feel grateful for all those who are responsible for this meal to be possible, the sun, the rain the earth, the farmer, the grocer, the chicken, the pigs and so forth without any of these we will not be eating our breakfast. As we step out of our home to head for our place of employment we greet the world with a smile and a positive state of mind that helps to make it a great day that lies before us. What is so difficult about being in this state of mind thus far? Aside from being ill or having nasty toothache or a migraine or having lost your wallet the night before or any of the unforeseen circumstances, life really is simple but we tend to complicate it for no apparent reason sometimes.

Whether you are a carpenter of fly the Boeing 747, you are still a human being who walk this planet alongside your fellow man headed towards the same destination and that is the grave; this is as a matter of fact the gravity of our life no matter how we crawl, walk or run to get to our final destination. When all is said and done, when the final curtain drops and the fat Lady has sung the Blues, we can look at ourselves in the mirror and hopefully still smile and sing. "I did it my Way!" This is our destiny or we think it to be so as we step out of the circle into the 'Twilight Zone' of the afterlife to join those that have gone before us. What have we left behind us, what legacy have we to be proud of that our progenies can reflect upon as their heritage we wonder as we let go of that final breath; had i really lived? or had i merely existed. Life is cheap these day and age as is being proven over the ages where human life has become nothing but mere pawns in the games of thrones, of wars and clandestine sick pleasures of those who have no scrupulous about using and abusing others simply because they can afford to through wealth or aggression. Yet we pride ourselves as cultivated and civilized more so than ever in our dilapidated history ever since we learned to stand upright.

I feel less proud to be called a man, much less to be considered to be among the wise spiritually or otherwise. As I age I feel much older and less wiser as is commonly expressed among those who begin to see reality as it is; the sad truth for those who have walked the earth blindly for a greater part of their lives. How i often feel like a water buffalo being led to work the fields by a string pierced through my nose by some unseen hands that I had been attached to since the day I was born and now having had  a few glimpses of what life is all about I am beginning to feel the need to led to the pastures simply to just graze till death catches up with this old sack of skin and bones. How many more lives need i return to in order to become fully awakened and liberated from this vicious circle of birth death and rebirth or worse yet how long would i be spending my time in hell for all the transgressions and ignorance in this life for I do not believe like an atheist that I would simply escape retribution by simply being dispersed into the cosmos or emptiness. 

SUCH IS!!  

If all goes accordingly I will have my hernia operation taken care of.

 

My daughter and I spent half the day at the Lam Wa Ee hospital to set up for my hernia operation. The evening before when I was waiting to pick my two kids up from their work i felt some pain in my groin where the hernia is and i told my daughter this and off hand i just said to her to inform my eldest son that instead of my teeth i would like to have my hernia problem taken care of. The same evening she told me that we were going to the hospital and take care of my problem as my son has agreed to foot the bill. i was surprised but accepted the offer and so this morning we were at the hospital making the appointment. It took me almost a month and a half sometime in December till January trying to get this done in Terengganu which I had written in this Blog and the outcome. I tried to get it done in Terengganu thinking that it would have cost me a whole lot less it being a government hospital, however it did not happen for obvious reasons and so I had put it off till now. I have always believe that things happen for a good reason even if i do not see them and my efforts were not in vain as something else had happened that would not have happened had I not made the trip to Pulau Kapas and visited the Klinik Marang,{re-previous blog} in order to initiate the process of getting an operation like getting to meet strangers who visited the Island and learning about my relationship with my twin brother at whose home I had stayed for my last week there. As it is said it is not the destination that matters but the path that one takes to get there.

What i had not mentioned in the first paragraph above is that just before my daughter walked up to me leaning against the car and looking up at the sky I had just angrily told my body{hernia}, "Fuck you if you feel like making my life a misery and fuck to all of you that is aching and causing this misery, like there is nothing better to do!" It was a stupid gesture but i felt deeply pissed off at my physical form, like my gums still hurting after over a week long of having my two teeth yanked out of my mouth and my nagging back ache and my migraine headaches; yes life is suffering but what the heck?! A second latter my daughter had her arm around me joining me and looking up at the sky said, "What a beautiful sky!" I agreed with her and after that was when I told her about my hernia pain. The pain had happened perhaps because I had spent an hour walking around the shopping mall adjacent to the office building where she worked as I had made it my habit to do my walking exercise while waiting to pick them up and sometimes also do some grocery shopping while at it. This is how i keep myself mentally and physically occupied if and when i have to spend time waiting for whatever either i take these walks or I'd read a book which I always have one handy with me in the car. This morning while waiting at the hospital I had a book entitled, "Midnight with the Mystic" a book written about an experience with Sadguru the famous Hindu Mystic. These days one rarely see someone reading a book in public while most of the time you see people staring into their hand phones, a book reader is becoming a rare specie indeed.

After a few hours of waiting and a short examination I have a appointment set for Thursday the 23rd of this month to have my hernia problem taken care of. I am grateful to my eldest son and my daughter for making this happen although I have had an earlier offer to have this done by one of my nephews but i did not take on the offer as i told my daughter this evening I did not feel right about it and i have excuse except my own gut feeling. Now that my son has offered to sponsor the operation cost even when he  most probably feels like his dad is an undeserving jerk, I am beginning to see the wisdom on my decision not to accept my nephew's offer. Don't get me wrong, I love my nephew very much and am proud of his accomplishments in life but my heart had a different feeling which I could not discern till now. Another reason which I did not foresaw that happened was that a month or two ago my elder sister had to have her foot amputated due to diabetic issues and my nephew had to bear this cost which would have been hard on him had he paid for my operation too. Whether right or wrong I had to trust my judgement in making my choices.       

I still got Sendai on my mind.

 

Having spent three years of my life in Sendai, Japan as an artist, a father/babysitter, an art lecturer, a traveler documenting my experiences in my journals, i now feel like all those years seems forever gone without any trace. However when i browse through one of my sketch journals of Sendai, of which I have three, and when I look at the pictures of my two children and their mother seeming happy most of the time, I realize that no, the three years spent in Japan is still alive in me for it was my intention to begin with in keeping and on going journal of my life so as to keep some form of legacy for my children to look back upon as to their past, which in this case was a rich one. My two children spent their preschool years at the Mukaiyama Yochien or Kindergarten one of the most prestigious, sought after schools for preschoolers and we lived a walking distance from the school on the top floor of a five story building called the Dia Palace over looking a panoramic view the whole area from the ocean on one end to the hills on the other of the Sendai City landscape. Within walking distance up the hill was the Yasoen or the natural plants garden and next to it the Sendai TV Stations with the tall towers that lit up at night in multiple colors according to the weather. No, the three years I spent in Sendai was in fact a major turning point in my life and that of my family, it was a time when I was able to stay more or less 0ore focused at what I was doing albeit in doing my art or taking care of the kids while my late wife goes off to teach; I had take my responsibilities more seriously as I had to face a more challenging environment to raise my children; living among the Japanese was no walk in the park.

In Sendai my creative energy was it highest form as I found the space to do my work at the Miyagi Museum of Fine Arts where they had an open studio policy in order to encourage the people of Sendai into enjoying making art. The facility had four large studios catering to the various main artistic mediums like sculpture, photography, print making, painting and so forth and along with it they had four instructors to assist one with any need. It was the most impressive set up i have ever had the opportunity to be a part of for three years without having to pay a cent for all the time and space I spent there.

I met many local artists and shared my knowledge with them whenever I can as my Japanese was as good as my French but I learned to communicate with with less verbal and more action. I also learned from artist friends  that they were housewives and learned about their daily lives and how they cope with raising kids and enjoying their favorite pastime like making art. Nowhere have i come across the creative arts being so much appreciated and expressed than while living in Sendai. 

I met a few foreign artists who like me dropped in one day and stayed on till it was time to move on like Mr. Pimenta who was from Brazil and married to a Local. He traveled to Mongolia and studied the Mongolian technique of 'Mandala Painting'. The technique was a very delicate form that uses water color which in itself is not and easy medium to master, Pimenta was a very patient artist if i ever met one.

 

One of my 'Mono Prints' done at the Miyagi Museum of Fine Arts, Sendai, Japan. 1976.

I got to learn a great deal about myself and what I was capable of if I set my mind to it like having six solo art exhibition at a few of the Sendai City Art Galleries including the Miyagi Museum Art Gallery itself. I also realized that I had to rein in my desires especially towards the opposite sex while living in Sendai where it almost seems like everyone knows who you are even if you yourself don't. I learned to listen more than let my thoughts be exposed too much. I found the Japanese were most ready to help you if you know how to ask. The most important lesson I learned was to keep my ego in its proper place all the time for the Japanese I found were good at reading you or where you are coming from, genuine or fake. 

   

The stats have taken a dive, I better start writing says the ego- who really cares says me.

 

Yes. I am taking a short time off from engaging my mind in rambling about pretty much anything and everything which I find it loves to do; it has a mind of its own or so it seems. As I find myself stuck in the crossroads of my path I find myself having to slow down and make decisions as to whether left or right. Before i was more spontaneous in my actions, I often acted on impulse and without much thought invested into it. Now it seems I need to take more naps than usual like a cat or dog after every short spurt of activity a short nap is called for perhaps to realign the body, mind and soul kind of pit stop; to catch a breath. Sometimes i feel myself like riding the Shinkansen from Tokyo to Sendai, it was speedy but it was also the most boring except in some special places where the train slows down for  the benefit of picture taking, like the sight of Mount Fuji. The sceneries outside the window is just one long blur of colors, it was more fun to get a closer look at the fellow Japanese passengers especially the women! I liked taking train rides top the countryside in the slower regular train which was often in my feeling more relaxed about getting there and the passengers are more interested in eyeballing you as the 'Gaijin' or the foreigner which time carries a much more derogatory connotation to it. So one's attention was more focused on the  slow drifting countryside and the small towns as the train winded its way into the bamboo covered hills and snow covered mountains. I was headed towards Yamadera Zen Mountain Retreat an ancient temple build into the mountain sides of the Yamadera Mountains in the Yamagata Prefecture. 

                Posing before my mural " Fuji San", in Dubai with Tarik an Emirates Air Capt. originally from Lebanon. The painting was done on my son's living room wall.

Perhaps my train itself is slowing down, my practice of self discipline, my aspiration towards attaining enlightenment, my yearning to become an acceptable Muslim my road towards atonement foe all my past transgressions, they are all slowing down, like grinding to a halt. I feel a whole lot more tired after doing some light work or do my daily chores and i find myself having to be persuaded to do something more so than ever. Is this a sign of old age creeping into my whole being. Is this when I start giving up or giving in, my art, my music, my love for cooking and chatting with my friends and relatives, all these that mattered in the past seem like they are drifiting away from my consciousness being replaced by NETFLIX, YOU TUBE, Face Book and the rest of the Media that is like a never ending story of wars and conflicts, famine and starvation, and the weather going hellter - skellter. 

I am not ready to give up just yet and with whatever time I have left to my name I intend to untangle the tangle that i have allowed to happen in this my life. After 75 years I need to understand a the very least who or what I truly am in the scheme of things. I am not as confident as to claim my self the Atman or the Supreme Consciousness or Brahman as the Hindu Advaita teachings has claimed, nor am I any closer to being an enlightened being as I know I keep flip - flopping back and forth from bliss to ignorance every single moment. I am not a devout Muslim for sure as compared to most my brothers and sisters and I am not rich like them; so what am I? Who am I? 

The answers are there but they are not manifested into action, they are purely intellectual to say the least and whatever experience I have had that can be construed as anything close to spiritual is mostly triggered by the shift in consciousness due to getting stoned or too many beers, but I do feel that the answers I have to these doubts and despairs that i put myself through whenever i do not feel well or well balanced within, the answers I have but i cannot fully claim my Perfect Dharma Position, that Primordial Ground from which I stand and deliver these answers; they are the essence of my spiritual understanding and acceptance, they are private. My ego enjoys its making sense out of non-sense, spin stories in order to justify my existence, create situations to add color and meaning to this otherwise a long boring and tedious journey that we call life. So I am listening to 'Song of the Butterfly' by Istvan Sky and Estas Tonnes, in Hungary. a song I liked when I first listened to it on You Tube a few years back. I like the energy that it gives me almost a spiritual hike especially when I was feeling low. It is to me one of the most healing tunes I have listened to. 

After his victory at one of his wars, the prophet of Allah is said to have said, "You have won a battle but you have an even more challenging Jihad within you." There is no rest until this battle within is won and you are set free of your nafs, your ego. 

 

Matsu Basho the legendary Japanese wanderer and poet exclaimed,"Matsushima Ya! Ya! Matsushima, Matsushima Ya!." a Haiku. Matsushima is considered the third most visited spot in Japan. I fell in love with the place the moment the slow train pulled into the station at Matsushima; this was Japan! in my mind.