Yes. I am taking a short time off from engaging my mind in rambling about pretty much anything and everything which I find it loves to do; it has a mind of its own or so it seems. As I find myself stuck in the crossroads of my path I find myself having to slow down and make decisions as to whether left or right. Before i was more spontaneous in my actions, I often acted on impulse and without much thought invested into it. Now it seems I need to take more naps than usual like a cat or dog after every short spurt of activity a short nap is called for perhaps to realign the body, mind and soul kind of pit stop; to catch a breath. Sometimes i feel myself like riding the Shinkansen from Tokyo to Sendai, it was speedy but it was also the most boring except in some special places where the train slows down for the benefit of picture taking, like the sight of Mount Fuji. The sceneries outside the window is just one long blur of colors, it was more fun to get a closer look at the fellow Japanese passengers especially the women! I liked taking train rides top the countryside in the slower regular train which was often in my feeling more relaxed about getting there and the passengers are more interested in eyeballing you as the 'Gaijin' or the foreigner which time carries a much more derogatory connotation to it. So one's attention was more focused on the slow drifting countryside and the small towns as the train winded its way into the bamboo covered hills and snow covered mountains. I was headed towards Yamadera Zen Mountain Retreat an ancient temple build into the mountain sides of the Yamadera Mountains in the Yamagata Prefecture.
Posing before my mural " Fuji San", in Dubai with Tarik an Emirates Air Capt. originally from Lebanon. The painting was done on my son's living room wall.
Perhaps my train itself is slowing down, my practice of self discipline, my aspiration towards attaining enlightenment, my yearning to become an acceptable Muslim my road towards atonement foe all my past transgressions, they are all slowing down, like grinding to a halt. I feel a whole lot more tired after doing some light work or do my daily chores and i find myself having to be persuaded to do something more so than ever. Is this a sign of old age creeping into my whole being. Is this when I start giving up or giving in, my art, my music, my love for cooking and chatting with my friends and relatives, all these that mattered in the past seem like they are drifiting away from my consciousness being replaced by NETFLIX, YOU TUBE, Face Book and the rest of the Media that is like a never ending story of wars and conflicts, famine and starvation, and the weather going hellter - skellter.
I am not ready to give up just yet and with whatever time I have left to my name I intend to untangle the tangle that i have allowed to happen in this my life. After 75 years I need to understand a the very least who or what I truly am in the scheme of things. I am not as confident as to claim my self the Atman or the Supreme Consciousness or Brahman as the Hindu Advaita teachings has claimed, nor am I any closer to being an enlightened being as I know I keep flip - flopping back and forth from bliss to ignorance every single moment. I am not a devout Muslim for sure as compared to most my brothers and sisters and I am not rich like them; so what am I? Who am I?
The answers are there but they are not manifested into action, they are purely intellectual to say the least and whatever experience I have had that can be construed as anything close to spiritual is mostly triggered by the shift in consciousness due to getting stoned or too many beers, but I do feel that the answers I have to these doubts and despairs that i put myself through whenever i do not feel well or well balanced within, the answers I have but i cannot fully claim my Perfect Dharma Position, that Primordial Ground from which I stand and deliver these answers; they are the essence of my spiritual understanding and acceptance, they are private. My ego enjoys its making sense out of non-sense, spin stories in order to justify my existence, create situations to add color and meaning to this otherwise a long boring and tedious journey that we call life. So I am listening to 'Song of the Butterfly' by Istvan Sky and Estas Tonnes, in Hungary. a song I liked when I first listened to it on You Tube a few years back. I like the energy that it gives me almost a spiritual hike especially when I was feeling low. It is to me one of the most healing tunes I have listened to.
After his victory at one of his wars, the prophet of Allah is said to have said, "You have won a battle but you have an even more challenging Jihad within you." There is no rest until this battle within is won and you are set free of your nafs, your ego.
Matsu Basho the legendary Japanese wanderer and poet exclaimed,"Matsushima Ya! Ya! Matsushima, Matsushima Ya!." a Haiku. Matsushima is considered the third most visited spot in Japan. I fell in love with the place the moment the slow train pulled into the station at Matsushima; this was Japan! in my mind.
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