The End is the beginning..

In all my digging and experimenting with my life I have yet to find the truth to who I am or what my status is in the total scheme of the universal or collective consciousness of the whole. I still feel like I am floating in and out of consciousness often helpless and mindless of what is happening to me, my self. Through my meditation and self discovery practices, my sense of awareness and and connectivity to the whole is somewhat awakened, perhaps a little better or more cute than the guy who wades through life day to day obliviously. It has become somewhat of an obsession with me in delving into the inner workings of my body and mind so much so that my days are filled more with inner dwelling than living the external life like I used to. There are days when I doubt my intentions and attribute my pursuit to simply as an escape from the so called 'reality' of life.
I have turnedapal to religion and spiritual paths and i have taken many a 'wrong' turns often willingly or consciously just to see what happens. Sometimes i discover the small miracles or the inadvertent consequences  of my actions and these proved my point of intention, like 'as you sow, so shall you reap.' I filed these mini discoveries away into my mental database often with a smile or with a frown to myself, but it works, I would remind myself. The laws of cause and effect, the karmic laws of what goes around comes around, or Kodor and kodar as it is termed in Islam, is an inescapable part of who I am. From my most subtle thought to my most drastic action, I find throughout my life that this has been one of the simple truth that governs my being in this life. Hence i try as much as possible to think and act positively and not become the bull in the China shop or the rambunctious and incorrigible entity that creates waves just to test the waters like I once was. Perhaps this is part of growing old.
One of  the causes of this state of mind which from the careless and free wheeling attitude to the present more conscious if not conscientious attitude stems from my seeing with a more clear vision  of what my role  as a human being in life is. I cannot allow for my ego or my small self to take a hold of my thoughts and actions any longer. I as a matter of fact have to become self-less. I have to be less self serving and take on servitude, less acquiring and more giving, less, less emotional and more spiritual in essence. I feel I have come to realize the simple truth that has been escaping my search all these while and that is, I am merely a soul in search of itself. Just as the Zen tale of the master who sat on his ox while searching for it all over the countryside.
I am closer to home as i can ever be and my journey i feel is slowly coming to end after all these years realizing to myself that all I have been doing is enjoying myself as a Blogger.This effort of putting my thoughts in writing has been a tremendous help to getting to where I am at this present moment is in time and space. It is perhaps not much of a discovery,but suffice to say that i have arrived and having arrived, I can now leave my past and embark upon my future and discover what else is there that lay in store for me, this, that I call who I am.

Of Buddhism and Islam.

It is 4 in the morning and i have been up opting the night sleep for the sleeping it out during the day. This switching back and forth of my sleeping habit is nothing new and is indeed part of my experiment and practice in order to dig deeper into my mental state by disrupting any form of normality to my physical and mental habits. I am repeating this information to myself as i must have done this numerous times in my Blog entries in the past. The hour is crucial in my practice as it is when I perform my Ishak solat or the  late evening solat and then followed by two rakats of voluntary or 'tahajub' prayer. I used to do this in the past off and on according to my whims and mood or how i felt towards God and religion, or if and when I felt like it. No, I was never a 'good' Muslim. I have issues with my Lord and I know fully well i will answer for my pride and arrogance comes judgement day.
No I am not trying to get 'brownie points from my extra zealousness in trying hard to pray five times a day, but yes i have my worries that the consequences of my doubts will be not so good when I die. One of my brothers reminded me ever so clearly that Islam has no compromise, this was the epic discussion between us on the religion, just the ultimate threat. So my relationship with my Maker is very personal indeed, it has been a love hate relationship, one that is like a father and a very pissed off son. However, and I say this with all sincerity and faith, that i have my believe in the Lord's Mercy and Compassion at the very core of my heart. I sincerely believe that it is through His will that i have lived my life as I have had and still do. At every end of my prayer I always ask for forgiveness and that i be protected from evil, and that my children be safe wherever they be and that my Lord forgive the sins of my parents and my late wife and place them among the Muslims in His heaven. I also surrender my will unto Him and thankful for all that has been given to me especially my good health. 
What have i got to loose? I am barely making up for my years of going against God's will and perhaps its is too late to repent, but I am repenting and not because any Imam says so or that I fear for my life after death, no, i ave alwado it simply because i believe. I have always believed and even in my darkest moment of my soul and I point my middle finger at my Lord in anger, I believed perhaps even more so. No doubt I was raised a Buddhist for twelve years of my life until I was converted to Islam, however I grew up  among Muslims all those twelve years, I watched my grandmother prayed every day never missing a prayer of five times a day; I was a Muslim at heart while being raised a Buddhist. I value Buddhism for its practical teachings about how to deal with my physical and emotional life and I value Islam with my relationship with my Maker.  

And this too shall pass...

Comparing my status living day to as I am is one of the most intrusive and negative element that threatens to tear me down psychologically and emotionally if not spiritually. I am every so often invaded by thoughts that I am not doing much and wasting my time away compared to my siblings, my relatives and friends.  r These thoughts creeps into my head like some sour smell making me feel like I am a looses  who has given up on life while seeking for spiritual answers within me as an escape. Am I? Am I becoming a good for nothing has been apperson with no more gumption to go out and get it kind of person I used to be not too long ago? Or am I assuming that my siblings, relatives and friends are living the life of Riley while I am among those who have given up. Perhaps I am, perhaps I am and all these'Way seeking Mind' trip has been one long hoax of a self delusion. 
It would indeed be a sade realization to discover that it had all been a waste or that I should not have my thirst for life living the Bohemian lifestyle I am well known for in my younger days. A Man who cared fro nothing and feared no one, willing to take chances and walk away from relationships at the drop of a hat, a a man, stubborn, proud and mostly angry at the world. I did got allot more done for better or worse back then and was at times the envy of those who played it safe with life's trials and tribulations. I took what life had to offer, wine women and money and threw it all back out at the world and I 'have squandered my resistance for a pocket full of marbles' like the song said, felt little or no regrets while I was at it. I had allowed my ego, my mind to take hold of my appetites thinking that to resist was futile and would add up to my neurotic tendencies and so i fulfilled as much as I could anything and everything that came my way and I survived.
Why do I feel less than accomplished today, why do I feel lacking and even guilt ridden when sitting and reflecting what has been? Is this what growing old is all about? Perhaps it is and my past is catching with me or that God is preparing my for what is to come by reminding me my waking me up to work towards cleaning up spiritually with the extra years I have been given. If so, is my meager effort at praying and asking for forgiveness enough to cover all the past mistakes I have accrued? Perhaps not. Perhaps I am destined to face the worse case scenario, like hell in the hereafter. If this is so than I do envy my siblings and my relatives and friends who are good religious people, who has lived life according to the divine will and plan. 
As for me, I can only hope for the Mercy and Compassion of a  loving God who had allowed for me to walk my own path in this life as His way of testing me. I  will live on making sure that all my effort at trying to have a right understanding of who I truly am and why I am here living a life of delusion in an illusory existence; the world of Maya.
"I am Whole, Perfect, Strong and Powerful,
 Loving, Compassionate, Harmonious, and Happy!,
And i can do what I will to do,
So help me Lord!"

And this too shall pass... 

God and me.

Woke up and did my subuh or fajr, or morning prayer after a real wet dream of being with a bikini clad young caucasian lady running all over some weird beach trying to find a place to fornicate. We ran from one weird scene to another but was always obstructed by  other peoples' presence. When at last I was ready to desperately fulfill my lut I managed to get myself to the lustful pursuit in some little corner of the beach hidden from sight i could not do it because i found I was wearing a condom that was filled with a few coins at the tip of the rubber! Weird! I felt the tip of my penis was blocked from making my entry and much less ejaculting.
I was woken up by the distant sound of prayer that came from the loud speakers of the State Mosque as the morning prayer was being performed. Normally the sound of the call to prayer by the Muezzin would be much louder but I missed it entirely and was awaken by the much softer sound of the prayer itself. I got out of bed begrudgingly and almost went back to sleep but decided to not give in to my weakness. I am and has been weak when it comes to performing my prayers especially the morning prayer. For the past week I must have missed two or three days of the morning prayer and felt not much of a loss about it and i am 68 years old! My God! How I have come to this! It is not that I am afraid of being punished but I am more ashamed of my not having the will and discipline enough to carry out this obligation. Priding myself as one who meditates and pursue spiritual practices, I am helpless when it comes to praying two 'rakats' or prostrations, the first of the five daily prayers in the early morning hours in honor of my Lord!
This has been my lot in truth throughout most of my life as far as my faith an belief in God is concern. had i been successful in fornicaitng in my dream I would have skipped yet another morning prayer. I remember an experience many years ago upon returning to Malaysia from the US, whereby i was humping away at a female companion in real life while the call to prayer from a nearby mosque was loud and clear thirteen floors down below me. I was so lost into my sexual drive that I tried to block away my guilt conscience and  satisfied my lust. This episode in my life has haunted me and my mind has kept replaying this scenario again and again ever since. Call this a wake up call, or call it the subconscious mind's way of spiritual house cleaning, I am convinced that Allah has finally taken heed my call for atonement and repentant; Insha'Allah.

Seeking forgiveness in healing my soul.

All I am looking at right this moment is how much I have understood or misunderstood who I am. This entity sitting and typing on the keyboard wondering what to say or write, is this all that is of who or what i have become or amount to. It is in a way a sad feeling of loneliness and emptiness that i have very little left to find what is my true nature, my true being if not my divinity; is there such a thing? Have i been doped and fooling myself, have I been wasting all my energy and time over nothing at the expense of giving myself a better life . I have watched and listened, sat before teachers and gone through numerous experiences and practice to become awakened from this slumber of ignorance and yet why do i feel this empty feeling. 
What have i accomplished for myself that i could talk of and that can be shared with others to enlighten them and awaken them from the same state i am in? Yes i often claim to myself, I have awaken, but being awakened it seems is not a permanent state of mind and the mind is still the master dictating my state of being. 'No Mind, No Body No Self,' the Buddha is said to have said and yes i have touched this state every so often in my past, but these states of consciousness slips away as new thoughts and experiences takes a hold upon my consciousness, I slip back into this doubt filled state that has a depression shadowing in the background. Off course i can make an escape or retreat from having to face this moments of doom and gloom arising by watching a good video or listening to good music or if need be visit my friends and smoke a joint or have a fe beers like I have often done in my past, but these escape routes i find are jsut what they are an escape.
So as i have committed myself ever since I started this Blogging more than ten years ago to face my demons through revealing in writing my thoughts and feelings down I will continue this course of action. There may or may not be a light at the end of this tunnel, but I am already in it and like riding a train I will stay on the tracks and not be derailed come what may. As the saying goes, 'the heart  is a lonely hunter,' and this loneliness only I can feel for it is within me; I choose to walk this path. I have chosen yet another from of 'escape' and it is in prayer. I have thus far been keeping my five times a day prayer to the best of my ability and it is no easy matter as my mind is not allowing me to be is fully present when I perform my 'solat'. But I do find solace and comfort more so than I have ever had. Perhaps Allah has decided that I be allowed to worship Him despite my numerous transgressions in the past; I only seek His forgiveness if nothing else. 
Religion is a matter of faith and to have immovable faith I believe one has to have an imperturbable mind, an unshakable mind centred in silence. This is no easy task with a mind like mine, a mind that is full of ramblings and attachments, full of anger and imaginations; an egotistical mind. All my meditation practices to bring this mind to quiet down seems a failure, it has its own autonomy, a will of its own. Often times i have watched my mind running free imagining murder at the slightest external challenge even from strangers and it scares me; it is psychotic..  This is why I have been doing what I have over the years, trying to keep in restrain and help to keep a healing process of some sort. Yes, I could use a spiritual guide or a Guru if not a psychiatrist to help m the complete renovation of my mind although I have had them in the past. Now I have to deal with it on my own and through the means I have learned, a step at a time.

What to do?

As I let the days slide me by sitting in my apartment and watching each and every thought and action with less and less attachment and identification, I realize how I am removed from my former self, my personality, the entity i thought of as who I am. Have i become lazy and unproductive and has my sense of creativity come to an end? Perhaps i am loosing the zeal i used to have for life as nothing seems to shake my being. Is this what it means to become detached, to be removed from the influences of the phenomenal realm, is this what it feels like to become free from clinging or dependant upon the illusory physical world Am I deluding my with justifications that are no more than repetitious thoughts and ideas God forgive if this has been nothing more than a waste of time and talent.
Oh, I realize too that i like to regurgitate myself again and again like a broken record, whining and groaning over nothing. Even when there is no more cause for complaint my mind will dig out hell from my  ancient and twist karmas for me to grapple with until I have no more defences and cave in. But all in all these as I have always are reminded myself are  food and fodder for the soil, grist for the mill. These deep rooted karmas are what keeps the mind busy and entertained while at the same time the mind unravels the and untangle the tangles to each and every past episodes and dramas, this is putting the mind to service while doing introspection and reflections in meditation. 
The mind has no problem in bringing out the worse from my past experiences and sometimes this can drive me nuts, usually making me feel guilt and low self esteem. However with constant observation and clarity i now can sieve through to make sense out of non-sense like spring cleaning my memory bank. Sitting meditation helps me to take a  step back and see what went wrong and why and ideally come to reconciliation and acceptance even if it makes sense only for the moment. Hence I started looking at this rising and falling of my mental formations as great lessons to reflect and understand better who I am, my strength and weaknesses. Taking stock of my past experiences has enhanced better my present 'darma position,' the ground from which I stand and declare who I am. Yes, most teachings will tell you that the past is best forgotten and to be in the here and now, however I came to realize that in order to let go of the past the lessons has to be learned and understood before it can be let go of.
It is no doubt a most tedious and boring way to spend the day, but in doing so I feel it is also the best way to help me further understand my original Buddha Nature; it is worth the time while doing nothing. I have spent my time fully aware that i am not doing much in terms of being productive or working like everyonamdullie else, it is a conscious choice, a practice in order that i can free myself from being trapped into the norm. On the other hand I have decided to work on myself, my practice, my belief and my faith with as little distraction as i can afford to without having to escape to a cave in the mountains. My lord has given me this whole year a quiet space on the top floor of a 12 story building to do my work on myself. To heal and to spiritually awaken and I am blessed to be able to eventually pray five times a day with complete absorption in the One True God.
Allah u Akhbar!  

The Path of Spiritual Consciousness -1

"A line is cast in the rapids,ion
The greedy is caught,
 A soon as your mouth is open,
Your life is lost."
 A Zen Koan from the 'Blue Cliff Records.

Consciousness pervades all and the mind is like a sponge that seeks out objects and phenomena that attracts its attention most, like a beautiful woman or a challenging idea and these outstanding distractions are like roadside attraction capturing my interest and attention. Consciousness is like the rapids or the super highway and the mind is like the line that attracts to itself forms and images through the five senses, it is like a camera that snaps shots that pleases or that intrigue itself amidst everything else like a greedy fish attracted to the bait at the end of the line. The moment, a contact, recognition or an acknowledgement happens there is attachment, and the greedy is caught.This is how we experience life day in day  out ever accumulating thought formations.
Images and forms comes in all manner subtle and gross, provocatting and challenging, positive and negative and mind latches on anything and everything it chooses.To become fully awaken is to become fully aware of this mental state that becomes impediments to any spiritual practice one undertakes that would hopefully lead to spiritual liberation. 
Freeing the mind from mental delusions is one of the functions of meditation practices. Unloading of the mental accumulations, or emptying the accumulated thought baggage becomes paramount in any spiritual endeavor for only through the emptying or silencing of the mind can spiritual practice become manifested with deep impact and clarity. In one of the Vipassana meditation practice there is one called, 'Ba,re Attention'. In this practice one is encouraged to experience  life with a sense of neutrality, neither attached nor detached, just observe with bare attention. This sense of neutrality or what I call detached involvement helps me from getting sucked into or sucked up by the external distractions  or attractions. This is important I feel for one who is looking within 
towards self discovery. this is why the Buddha used the analogy of living life like plucking a lotus without getting the fingers wet. Yes it is definitely easier said than done as the external world is full of lures and distractions that is bound and determined to keep the mind engaged and kept a prisoner.
The one that is making all the observations or the witness to all the ongoings of the mind is aware and awakened to a certain degree of coming to grips with reality as it is. Sadly enough most of humanity is blind to the truth of this matter and serve the 'false gods' of ignorance in perpetual bondage from generation to generation like herds of cattle existing purely to be led to the slaughterhouses at the end of their days. This is in the name of survival, achievement, success  and what have you rather than getting to know the
 truth about who you are and how or why you are on this earth and what is your position in the scheme of humanity and the planet itself. The power that be is bound and determined to keep humanity in this state of bondage blinded by the offering of simple pleasures and empty promises, dividing and disseminating falsehood and imposing their will upon the masses to implement their hidden agenda. Albeit at the National or Global level, the story is the same, greed, hate and ignorance becomes the seed sown for creating chaos and fear for personal survival.;to each his own and forget the rest.
It is our individual duty if not responsibility to awaken to the truth, the reality of our own existence, of who or what we are and how our very thought process can affect the glacial meltdown in the Arctic Circle or the deforestation of the Amazon. Yes, why we are so interdependent upon one another and the rest of the world is so crucial in our very own survival and the rest of the species; we are at the top of the food chain. It is our duty as such to get in touch with our Divine Nature and realize that we are more than what seems to be; we are of Divine essence and capable of restructuring our destiny. The Planet and Humanity needs awakened minds to aid in the healing and regenerating process that only collective consciousness can wield in order to counter the massive negative impact of toxic bombardments we and the planet is experiencing now.      
So! Wake Up! Stay Awake! Don't let them fool you!

I surrender my soul.

After years of ambivalence, doubts and misgivings about praying five times a day as required by Islam at least for the past week or so i have been able to fulfill this obligation and i pray that Allah will strengthen my faith to continue on henceforth. I have performed the solat now and again in the past but most of the time it was done with allot of distractions and less consciousness and often out of p;rasing my fellow Muslims especially my relatives and friends rather than my Lord and Creator. I am not proud of myself and this confession is to remind myself more than anything else that i have been negligent towards my duty as a Muslim- 60 odd years late. Then again this is me and I am a rebel an a non conformist when it comes to my belief and faith. It has been said many times in my blog and all my sketchbook journals that i will not follow blindly but will accept truth only when it has proven to be the absolute and nothing but. 
many who knows me up and personal that i am not a team player and nor a pack member, I follow my own heart for better or worse unfortunately the later has been more frequent, One of my fault has always been that i have been a very angry and often times irrational and overly stubborn in my ways. Ridden by my lusts and desires I have succumbed to impetuous and incorrigible behaviors often beyond forgiveness. I have betrayed my friends and loved ones their trust in me and committed sins that by any standard of human decency unforgivable, yes I was bad and got away with it most of the time. For almost a year now in my self imposed reclusive state of mind i have spent a great deal of time soul searching and purification of the spirit. I have not fully redeemed myself but I have had a good look at my track record and not too proud of what i find. God has given me a bonus in prolonging my life more than most of my friends and a relatively good health thus far; it is time for deeper reflections and atonement if I am not going to end up among the unrepentant sinners. 
It would have been simple if I am an atheist and assume when I die all is done with or if I take the Buddha's view that .right and wrong is a sickness of my own mind, no, I am a Muslim and Islam has become my religious faith and as such I have to submit my will to the Will of my Lord, I pray now with more conviction and clarity as to why than I have ever in the past. I ask for my Lord's forgiveness every time I 'doa' or have a personal request of my Lord, I can never ask enough and as I do this my consciousness emcompasses the forgiveness from all those i have wronged in the past and not my betrayal of Lord's commandments. I am fully aware that i can never undo all my errors of the past but I feel i am given the bonus time of my life to make amends and repent. At least before i die i know that I am aware and am regrettable of all my misdeeds and the life i have squandered transgressing the laws of man and God. 
My Lord is all Forgiving and Most Merciful and this I keep in mind and this has been my hope and faith as a Muslim. It is not the fear hell or missing out on heaven that i take as the cause of my prostrating before my Lord, it is my shame and conscience that is the driving force. This is what i have awakened to when I said i have awakened. I have awakened to the path of purification, the cleansing of my soul before it is returned to its rightful owner. I have awakened to seeing beyond right and wrong through the power or faith and forgiveness, through the power or acceptance and understanding; I have awakened to the path towards seeing my soul liberated from ignorance and self mortification. I have created my own hell and my prostration before my Lord is a surrender of my free will and my ego before Him. As i beg for His mercy and compassion I am begging the mercy and compassion of those i have transgressed against throughout my life. Having lived my life heedlessly I now fully confess before humanity that I am regretful  
and will make every attempt to rectify my past wrong doings with righteous and virtuous deeds as best I can mindfully and with absolute consciousness, I will attempt to heal my wounded spirit; I will spend my remaining time in this life untangling all the tangles.
Insha'Allah, God willing.   

  


  



    

Aliens and Spaceships.

 The Meir Contacts - is this true or hoax? I ask myself this questions as i watched and studied just about every video relating to the prophetic release of the 'Bill' Meir Contacts - The Key to our future survival, available on You Tube. I have been looking at the stars ever since i was a teenager living along the East Coast by the South China Sea and wondering what is out there. I have an affinity with Space and throughout my life have fancied spotting a UFO hovering over me in the clear winter nights of Wisconsin and in the Aleutian Isles while fishing out there and the skies of the South Western States of Colorado, New mexico and Arizona when I was driving and camping under the starry skies for three months; so far no such luck. I still hope to catch a glimpse of one of these Aliens ships even if for a split moment in time just to fulfill a dream because i believe that there is extra terrestrial life out there and it is a matter of time that we will be greeted by one or two specie.
Growing up among Muslims and the Malay culture I came to the conclusion the aliens have been among us since the dawn of the human race, in Islam we call them Jins. Ask any Muslim Malay about aliens and they will tell you that you cannot see them because of their existence in another dimension and subject to a different frequency of vibration. According to a book entitled, 'Dialogue with a Muslim Jin', a translation from Arabic to Indonesian, I learned that Jins exist just like humans do where there is laws and religious beliefs and schools and market places. Jins have the ability to  make contact with humans but are prohibited to do so under the penalty of death. Hence we don't see or hear too many Jin interrelationship with man and when it does happen it is usually through a medium or someone with the ability to transcend dimensional barrier by spiritual or shamanistic means. Usually this happens in order to rectify a bad situation where a jin has crossed over and 'possesed a human and cause harm to the individual. This is like braking the cardinal rule of jins and often both man and jin like law enforcement officers are employed to handle the situation.
Needless to say if I see a 'Grey' or a ;Reptilian', in the bushes nearby I would assume it is a jin. According to the book, the Muslim jin, and yes there are Christian and Hindu jins too, jins are capable of flying in space crafts across galaxies and they are much more advanced and sophisticated than we are. Jins have been known to cohabit with a human to produce children but this is very rare and usually ends up in a deformation of the child. Jins can manifest themselves in the forms of animals such as water buffaloes, snakes, cats and dogs. This is why one of the superstitions when travelling in the jungle or in the sea one does not over react or get excited to what one sees but merely acknowledge and move along for it could be a jin instead of a snake that is seen. It is also considered a wise practice to give 'Salam', or greetings of peace bu unto you when venturing into the forest or any uninhabited site so as to alert any jin and their families of your presence and intrusion into their environment. It is even considered much wiser to announce or ask permission before you piss or defecated in the wild so that you are not pissing on some jin children's head.
There are vile and evil jins just as there are their human counterparts and one would call them demons and these are best left alone. It is said that these malevolent entities work closely with the devil or satan to cause human suffering. The book mentioned earlier suggested that in the Bermuda Triangle in the Atlantic Ocean is a fortress built by Satan and jin where they have a pyramid at the bottom of the ocean and constructed a whole city in the area cloaked and unseen by man. Well, like all space stories, one can take it with a grain of salt, but it is not too far fetched if one add all the dotted lines and take the trouble to do the research. if nothing else it makes fo an intriguing story to tell your children if and when they you about jins and demons, aliens and spaceships. 







     

Wu wei?

I have spent hours of my time on You Tube watching anything and everything from The End of Days to Aliens, listening to Carl Sagan and Alan Watts, Mooji and SatGuru, listening to Hans Zimmer and Cat Stevens and numerous other videos some worthwhile others a waste of time; I have yet to understand why. Am I just squandering my time away while I could be doing something more useful like painting or drawing, reading or meditating? I have been doing these too throughout the day. So what is being awakened has to do with all these seemingly useless activities? Get a job? What for and doing what? I ask myself these questions all the time but the answer falls back to  what I had originally intended to do as i took upon myself to do nothing in particular and that is nothing, not-a -thing. Become an observer, a watcher and act upon what comes in the moment in time.  This was what I told myself not too long ago after having decided that nothing is worth doing and that includes this Blogging.
In the spirit of 'practice' in the Buddhist sense, i had decide to do just this and in doing so i found myself doing a great deal more than I would have normally done the the course of a day. I find myself taking care of the 'little things' like cleaning the house and feeding the cat, doing the laundry and dropping off and picking up my daughter from work and making sure she has food on the table every morning while making an effort ot pray five times a day; in doing nothing i have been doing more than what i would had i decided to do something, like work. Being awakened is nothing special except that I see myself a little more with clarity, observing, reflecting, analyzing, in other words looking deeper into the my actions and how my mind works every second and with every breath. I ssem to lack the desire to achieve or accomplish anything in particular but to just make sure that everything that I do is done with a greater sense of awareness.  
I know that this too will pass and i will have to move on when it is time to do so. Moving on to what or where will happen and of its own voilition as I will nothing to do with it in the sense of having a plan or a motive. If and when it happens it happens just as I expect my next breath will happen without any doubt for having any doubt in this would mean I am dead. Guilt, doubts, uncertainties, the feeling of low self esteem and sometimes even despair will rise and fall in the process, but as a practice I will stick to non-doing. Thoughts and ideas about politics of my country, the extraterrestrial beings, the philosphical and religious wisdom, the latest in the Art world and so forth are just like rai that falls upon the lily pads or the elephant ears.  they are merely grist for the mill of knowledge and wisdom. I listen and I watch, i study and i deliberate, but I do not attach to them as who I am. It is like watching a never ending movie about life simply because i am here in this theater.
Being awakened is nothing to brag about as it is something that comes and goes just like everything else, nothing is permanent. Perhaps i am drifting towards falling asleep again and am only kidding myself about being in the state of wakefulness, but then again how would i know? From my past experiences as i have written in this Blog, the realization usually happens when the 'stick'falls  upon my back, the wake up call or as the Zen school would have it, the 'jKeisaku stick' or the sword of Manjusri strikes.
In Zen Buddhism, the keisaku is a flat wooden stick or slat used during periods of meditation to remedy sleepiness or lapses of concentration. This is accomplished through a strike or series of strikes, usually administered on the meditator's back and shoulders in the muscular area between the shoulder blades and the spine
 It is when shit happens as some say that you realize whether you are asleep or awake and in the meantime life goes on and you stick to your practice no matter; of non-doing. Wu wei or inactive action. 
Wu Wei (chinese, literally “non-doing”) is an important concept of Taoism and means natural action, or in other words, action that does not involve struggle or excessive effort. Wu wei is the cultivation of a mental state in which our actions are quite effortlessly in alignment with the flow of life. This going with the flow, although it may be greatly productive, is characterized by great ease where we spontaneously act perfectly.

Confession to my Maker.

Hope is for those who sit and wait for the fruit to drop while action is for those who live in the here and now, both are equally valid for making things happen here and now; only hope is waiting while action is happening.

"Infuse your life with action. Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing "_whitford_

"The futrue belong to those who prepare fo it right now."
Malcolm X.

In 'doing nothing' for the past year or so' I found that i had accomplish for myself much more than when I was running around trying to please otthers or accomplish what i thought was what i should be doing to justify my existence. I sat day in and day out looking deeper witihn me at what or who I am to the point of finally giving up the delusion of seeking and discovering for myself that i am already there just enjoying every moment with so little hassle and so much satisfaction. I am who I am with no hopes or expectation or with no desire for more or less but just being who I am. yes, in the process i noticed i lost a few friends and the familiar haunts that i had frequent to while my time away, but i most comfortable now in knowing that i do not really need any more than I have already. This is the awarenss that realized and i feel the sense of freedom from want; I am happy.and love being who I am.
Contented and feeling a little lighter sense of being i am now if I may say so, have arrived at maturity, adulthood and with better understanding the great teachings of the masters of old who I have been reflecting throughout my life, that life is simply being in the moment and doing the best that you can to achieve nothing and everything becomes clear and done. The legacy that I leave behind are not important nor the hopes i had been harboring carries water at the end of my days, it is only how well i had lived my life day to day, moment to moment that matters and this Ican share with the rest of humanity for what it is worth. 
I do not to strive against or battle all the negative phenomenas or Dharmas that arises in course of my existence but merely to accept and reflect with right understanding the innate nature and move on like a surfer riding upon the waves. I am able now to avoid looking into the future or dwelling in the past and when these arises i am able to recognize thema s clouds floating on and empty sky of my consciousness and I am less distracted by them than I had been. The people I have wronged and those I have helped were part and parcel of this journey, the moments i have wasted and the times that i have excelled were part and process getting here, being in this moment, accepting and letting go. With this realization  I have unburdened myself and carry allot less baggage on my back.
Yes, no doubt, this too will pass and i will encounter new and perhaps greater challenges for as long as I am alive, I am beteer equipped and ready to accept them as i have expereinced the darkest nights of my souls, the nadir of my life and i have tasted the best of what life has to offer and they too came and went leaving only memories, food for thought and fodder for further growth getting closer yet to understanding who i truly am and my relationship to The Lord of Creation and the Universe, to Humanity and my next door neighbor. Love and loving kindness, Compassion and a Charitable Heart are not just words but action in meditation. if my life has anything worth living fo it is to know that I have dove into the very heart of darkness and bathed in the light of freedom; Awakened.   


    

Indeed we are apes!

In Islam it is said that the angels are constantly watching over us humans and trying their best to influence us in our daily lives towards living a holistic if not a Divine inspired life. Ofcourse atheists would cry out that there is no proof of their existence, just like there is no proof of unicorns or fairies exist. However for the blind color perhaps does not exist but it does not mean that there is no red or blue for those who are able to see. Ofcourse to the atheist God is a figment of imagination of humanity and science can proof this no doubt, in time. In the meantime atheist survives primarily on the human ignorance of religion itself as each group or sect develops their own interpretation and in most cases exploitation of their religions for self serving benefits such as power or wealth and no religion escapes from this abuse. Religions are mostly distorted from their original teachings by greed, hate and ignorance of its devotees down through the ages and atheist finds every loopholes in this weakness to cry foul over the existence of a Divine presence.
I have yet to hear an atheist raising the fact of free will as an issue when condemning a religion. The fact that man is given free will to make his own choice to belief or not to belief is fundamental in most religious faith.The fact that we are given the faculty to think should be a clue to whether there is or there is not a Divine essence that oversees existence itself. Science would like to replace religion and perhaps establish itsellf as the true religion and the likes of Richard Dawkins as one of the Messiah, however it is yet to be seen if science can create a living blade of grass or a mosquito out of nothing to qualify for this role.
Atheists likes to use the wars and atrocities caused by religious conflicts as a factor why religions are evil. however the fact that it was through scientific means that hundreds of thousands are killed in modern warfare that has nothing to do with religious conflicts but human greed, hate and ignorance. Hundreds if not thousands of nuclear warheads are standing ready in arsenals all over the world ready to end this world as we know it and what has religion to do with it? Ofcourse religion has is the scapegoat and the best of reason for a conflict as it can easily be manipulated by the powers that be as a tool for future wars. man is by nature the most heinous of God's creature when it comes to killing and religions has been a major factor that being used to provide for this insatiable urge to kill or be killed. Did God created us with this innate murderous nature? No! Man is capable of thinking for himself and collectively and we chose to be what we are; free will. There is not a thing science can do to stop this and I wish, as a believer that there is; it is no easy matter to have a faith. To worship a Higher Being and not just blind faith but through the revelations of Prophets, of Saints and Sages in the human history who have been a conduit for the guidance or our spiritual and moral development as human beings lest we worship our own egotistical tendencies as we are doing in this modern day and age; lest we get away with murder.
Today science has become a tool for political and world dominance as the strong takes every advantage to lead man astray and kill for the sake of killing to fulfill hidden agendas. Richard Dawkins like to resort to reason but refues to acknowledge that fact that 911 is still under investigation as to what really happened, or who create the armies of murderous ISIS, or why Iraq today id a mess much much worse tha when Saddam Husein was in power. Most of todays wars are no better than ancient tribal wars for the domination of one nation over another for whatever reason or excuses and God has very little to do with most. Allah is the Great Tester and we are here on this planet to be tested of the power of good and evil and it looks like we are choosing more evil than good. God is not the cause for the destruction of humanity and this planet, science is as it tries to play God through the George Bushes, the Rockefellers, the George Sorros  and the Dupont, Monsantos and Baer groups. God is watching all this with great disappointment for as His finest of creations we have fucked up and science will reveal  it all for us?
Yes it is safer to assume that there is no after life and that there is no one to answer to after we have raped pillaged and plunder , in the name of God, but I fear that there a Day of Reckoning and I am sure the Atheists will have their answers then; if not well muhanity is truly a screwed and i salute the likes of Richard Dawkins and his cohorts. Yes if there is no afterlife then we are truly apes of the worse kind.        
Man can only propose, God will dispose.
And the Truth shall set you free.
WallahuAllam, only The Lord knows.   
The Root of All Evil is Ignorance.



    

A Leech tale...

Being in the jungle has many drawbacks, such as bugs and ants, mosquitoes, and my favorite, leeches. Leeches are a real pest as they are out to get your blood, and they get to your body without you even noticing it until they are full of your blood and drop off leaving behind an itch. When you reach it to scratch the itch, you find blood dripping from it and you start looking for the culprit, and there it lay like a small ball at your feet. Until you are used to it you start stomping on it trying to kill it in disgust, venting out your anger at this tiny creature that had just sucked a few drops of your precious blood so that it may live, this is how it is. Someone who has lived in the forest tells you to take it easy and allow for some compassion towards the creature as you are the one who has imposed yourself into its environment; if you don't like leeches, go live in the city. But it takes time to get used to these little slimy, slippery, slithering creatures that once got a hold on your skin will be damned hard to get rid of. It is best to let it take a little of your blood and be done with it my friend told me, small sacrifice but it will release itself when its ready and leaves no itch after.
The reason I brought up this issue about leeches is because of an experience i had a few days back while hanging out with my friend at the fisherman's jetty. There were three of us and the third guy i never met before but who decided to join us anyway. He was not someone i enjoyed being in the company of and I could feel that he was also a burden to my friend who it seems, was at one time a fellow classmate of this guy. I pretty much sat quietly listening to the two going at each other, and felt sorry for my friend trying to apologize to me for the whole situation. The guy was loud and obnoxious to say the least and was trying hard to draw me into the conversation. After a while, i was ready to leave the scene and my friend looked at me, almost asking me to help him out right in front of this guy. I told both of them to be quiet for one thing cause that was why I was there, to chill. Then I told my friends that there is not much they can do but to accept the situation and not try to fight it, because no matter what they do they cannot change one another at fifty-one years of age. However, they can change of their own bad habits, especially those habits that they dislike in each other. So it is best to just roll with the punch until it wears itself off on its own, and usually it takes a shorter time than if you fight it. Just let him rave and rant all he wants and when he runs out of juice, he will pipe down on his own accord. No hard feelings on both sides, and perhaps we can learn a thing or two in the process about ourselves. 
I told them that I was in no position to judge them but as I am older than both of them, to speak my piece, seeing that i was asked to. I told them the I had no idea who one of them was, as we just met, and that I was a guest in their circle and so my perception goes to both of them as advice. I was telling both in short to act their ages when in the company of strangers, especially one who is older than you. I left them hoping that I got the message across, and as i was walking home, i realized that there was some similarity between the leeches in the jungle and my experience with others in the city. Let the little bugger has its fill and drop off rather than try so hard to remove it leaving behind its teeth that cases more itch. Acceptance in action, my first lesson of 2018.
     

My final entry for 2017

It is New Year's Day and I have diarrhea and compounded with a excruciating lower back pain and so imagine squatting up and down the toilet bowl every hour of the night; Happy New Year! 
So, let's have Hans Zimmer's Pandora at the background my favorite, where East meets West in creative expression. Yes and let the flow of the Chi be balanced and permeates all within and without move like the Shaolin Masters like bamboo groves swaying in the misty magic mountain; where the diarrhea, where the lower back pain? Music is healing and some great composition can lift up the spirit to soar above the ocean of gales and storm and awaken one to the reality of who you truly are beyond the veils of ignorance. In the silence between two notes is found the eternal tranquility of time, in between the space of doing and non-doing is where the mind is at rest.
So, sit and watch your breath, in and out closely and ride the vibration of the sound of the music within you like a swift riding the wind in the skies; where be the diarrhea and the lower back pain? They were the results of poor eating habits and bad sitting and sleeping postures and, let the mind and body know that you know why and that you are still the master over both. Breath and sit in Zazen like a mountain that cannot be shaken by an earthquake nor a tornado, become the ancient oak tree or the bamboo grove and dance with the wind and enjoy. Pain and pleasure is but a flip side of one another and is the result of the dual thinking mind, a mind that is seeking one and forsaking the other. Attach and detachment are but the choice one makes according to what is more relevant to one's evolution of mind and body, but the spirit chooses not and allow for that which is present to be expressed as is. Right and wrong is a sickness of the mind, so said the Great Minds of Old, they have pierced through the veils of ignorance to see what lies beyond this dual thinking mind. The power of the mind to influence and to corrupt a man's perception of life can never be taken for granted, as you think, so it is, this is a common belief of most major schools and religions a
nd the sciences. Hence be aware of what is being thought, make it work for you and not against you.
I keep telling these things to myself time and again hoping that by the mere repetition of these beliefs it might register deeper into my subconscious mind. As it is i am merely touching the surface of my consciousness having still layers of veils to break through in order that I might touch my higher self if not my soul. None of what i profess thus far is of my own, most thoughts and ideas are, learned, borrowed and sometimes imitations of others that have threaded this same path before me. I am a reed that the Lord Krishna blew His breath through me to make beautiful sound of music that had captivated the hearts of the Gopis. I am a vessel in which the Prophet of Allah flew through the seven heavens to meet His Maker, I am definitely more than just a John Doe living out this life like a sheep waiting to be sacrificed. 

I Am Whole, (Complete)
Perfect, Strong and Powerful,
Loving, Compassionate, Harmonious and Happy,
And, I can do what I will to Do!
Insha'Alllah, So help me God.  



   

Just acceptance.

 My first Zen-Yoga Instructor was Denis Junpo Kelly who presently is the Abbot of the Rinzai Zen School and his school is also known as The Hollow Bone Zen school. I may have been one of his first student, one he would soon remove from his consciousness than admit it to, in himself.  My most memorable New Year Eve was sometime in December of 1983, it was the night at midnight precisely when I thought I was facing death from a heart attack. I was living at a house on the side of the hill overlooking Corte Madera, Marin County California. I had just arrived from Green Bay, a few days earlier and was to meet him and help him open his Zendo, The Kanzeon Zen/Yoga Center, located in a school building that Denis had leased for his purpose. We worked together with the help his brother Patrick Kelly and got the classrooms turned into a 'Yuppy' meditation and yoga hall. 
While doing one of the floor exercises Denis had accidentally wrenched my arm across my chest and caused me a searing pain which did not last long but later in the night i woke up from my sleep with what the doctor told me as Pleurisy, or fluid build up in the body and the X-Ray taken of my chest was simply half white an half  dark, the white was fluid that had caused me impossible almost to breath, I thought it was a heart attack or a stroke. In short on the midnight of  Dec 1983 and precisely at midnight I died for a few moment as I said to my Lord, Ya'Allah is this be death, I fully accept it. My head dropped to the floor like a rock on my left side and i passed out. I woke up after a while listening to a sound about a foot or two from my face and it was getting louder as it got closer and i felt like a little worm climbing into my nostril and i realized that O was breathing and decided immediately to breath in and as soon as i did this the searing burning pain grabbed my whole chest again. it wa then I heard a voice in my mind saying, allow your breath to happen and don't panic or try to help. 
January of 1984 saw me going through the most painful and challenging times of my life. On the inauguration day of the Kanzeon Zen Yoga Center, the Abbot of the Rinzai Zen school in new York, Eido Shimano Roshi was the honored guest and I made my dumb move as a Zen student by striking Shimano Roshi's head to split it in two with the 'junko' stick that was laying close by to the altar. I knew I was not going to follow through with my strike but he had his two hands crossed in front of his face when the stick came down. I stopped short of touching his skin and stepped back, bowed with the stick raised above my head and placed it back on its rack by the altar. It was  my farewell gift to the Center and the end of my relationship with my teacher. If anything I hope it had woke up both the Rinzai Zen Masters or at least give them food for thought.
"What is the Imperturbable mind?" .This was my Koan given to me by Denis and it has been with me ever since. locked in my mind and boiling in my belly. My only answer to this is in the form of a Zen saying, Before awakening, cut wood and carry water, after awakening carry water and cut wood, or something like that. The imperturbable mind is the Muizin calling for the evening prayer from the minaret of the State Mosque, Thank you for the Koan, JUnpo Sama, thank you for being there when it was my turn to turn the Dharma wheel of cause and effect, thank you for being a kind and gentle friend. I may not have found the true answer to this koan but it has kept me alive. Forgive me for my transgressions that may have caused you an embarrassment with your teacher and all those who were present. What is Rinzai Zen after all?
I spent my most entertaining New Year celebration in 2011 when I visited my son in Dubai. With his friend Jason and two airline stewardesses from Romania we watched the fire works from the 34th.floor of the Millennium Tower overlooking the Burj Khalifah complex. The dinner and wine was out of this world and the companionship was full of Loving Kindness. The fireworks over the Burj Khalifah was  mesmerizing. I was very happy then thanks to my son and his friend Jason. Not every event in life has to be a bummer, sometimes life throws you a moment in time when all your suffering till then seem worthwhile. So be present in the moment and enjoy pain and pleasure like there is no difference, become at one and be in peace with all phenomena as they arise, no clinging and no detachment; just Acceptance.    

Hiding behind God.

Acceptance, I have decided to work as my future practice, this would be my New years' resolution I; this would be my  a burning ball of fire Koan to carry with me in my belly as the Zen School of Buddhism describe this practice. Acceptance of life as it is and myself and my role in this life is as Such or as the Buddha expresses it, Such Is. I am  this! This is who I am sitting at present moment in form listening to , The Song of the Butterfly on You Tube and making this entry and it is 12;15 am, it is going to be a long night Insha'Allah, God willing. As the strumming of the sitar aggressively played against the guitar of Estas Tonne in Hungary my eardrums is getting a beating, it was worth it, I always get off on the string instruments and the melodic voice of the singer howling like tired wolf but in a soothing and uplifting energy; i am awakened. Yes sometimes it  and takes a little of this and a little of that to wake you up. As I get older I take whatever I can so as I don't fall too deeply asleep and find it too hard to keep up with my life, much less with my practice. What is my practice? The Perfection of Wisdom that is Beyond Wisdom, The awakening of my Divine Nature, that which is my Birthright. My practice is the purification of my soul from all karmic stains no matter how big or how minute, to wipe clean my slate and become reborn anew as a child of the universe pure and innocent. My practice the Acceptance of my weaknesses and my strength as food and fodder for the road towards liberation from my fears and ignorance. I know often times i am fooling myself, if I fool myself long enough and keep reminding myself time and again my ultimate goal, I might even believe it myself. These are tall orders for one who has been deep in karmic shit for most his adult life. My daughter if she reads this would no doubt remark, "Dad and his dramas!" Well let's listen to Anushka Shankar live in Berlin now and see how it feels; the Sitar is one of my favorite instrument. My lower back is not in alignment and is causing some discomfort, yet another vexation I need to accept and work with at the same time. The Sitar when played in the Indian classical manner can be most soothing and evokes for me the old Hindi black and white movies that I used to watch with my mother; our day at the theater which took place at least once or twice a month in the fifties. The two theaters that showed Hindi Movies, the Paramount and Royal theaters had long ago seized to exist. These were the only quality times I had with my mother growing as we lived apart from one another. I was adopted and raised away from my immediate family. So Indian classical music reminds me of my mother and father who would meet us at the theater.
I had just finished reading P.D.James's Murder in the Holy Orders and have started reading Drawing in the Dust by Zoe Klien, what else to do? Its my habit, has been with me all through the years ever since I could read. I am a voracious reader and enjoy it. How much about life you are exposed to when you read a good novel, more grist for the mill, Filling up empty moments of space and time, what else better to do while you are waiting at the dentist or having a quiet dinner at a roadside food stall. I am blessed with my fellow book worms all over the world; our lives no doubt is made much richer in its scope and imagination. I never seize to be amazed at how the novelists can conjure up stories that keeps my mind riveted from the first to the last page. Perhaps it is paradox that one who aspires to empty the mind is incessantly feeding it with more food for thoughts. Well the way I accept this paradox is by justifying to myself that my mind is vast in its possibilities and if it needs to be occupied why not through good reading enjoy and ing the creative genius of others whose works can hold my mind in attention throughout the duration of the story. 
The same is true of feelings and perceptions, there are practices that I have been making an attempt is how i feel and how i see things as I move about daily. My actions and interactions with others man and animals alike, rivers and trees, birds and bees; I become more aware of my relatedness to all that is around me "The Lord Is my Sheppard...and His Will shall be done." I am but a vessel in His servitude and this I fully accept. My past stubbornness, arrogance and lack of moral conscience and much more, I surrender them to His Mercy and Compassion, I ask for His Forgiveness and he is my Lord ArGafuru Rahim., The Forgiver, This is between me and my faith in the All MIghty and call Him by what name you may, but forget Him not; He is within and without you, I ask you, what would you have to loose in having a strong faith in your practice. Haphazard and a roller coaster ride most of the time. I maintain my faith in the fact that my "Way" will deliver me to the other shore and take on whatever is there waiting for me; I look forward to meeting my Lord as only He makes sense in my life. I take my refuge from my, ego, my pride. my ignorance, I take my refuge from His Tests and His Wrath and I surrender myself before Him  with every breath take even when I seem to forget. I take refuge form the whispers of Jins and Shaitan, from wrathful deities and demons, and I take refuge in His infinite Mercy and Compassion and my Lord is a Loving God.



    

A Christmas Message from the Buddha.

A very Merry Christmas to all and Peace be with you. To my children, the Captain. the Swiss Genius and the two I have here with me, all the very best in the year ahead. May you all enjoy the Grace and Blessings you well deserve and may you continue to be strong and creative in facing life and what it has to offer. 
I told my daughter at the beginning of the year 2017 that it would be our year to grow and excel in our own ways, it has to some extent happened for us. We have enjoyed an almost peaceful and blessed times doing what we each enjoy doing. The Planet is still holding its own even if there is some discord here and there, lets hope and pray that 2018 will be a better year yet. Love and Peace will prevail as more and more are gradually awakening and  accepting our birthrights as wards of this beautiful planet we call home. let us all open our hearts to the truth of Light and Being and work towards healing the ills that we have brought upon ourselves and let us leave behind us a home worthy for those we leave behind us to continue to enjoy. Let us wipe away the tears of loss and deprivtions and sow the seeds of Loving Kindness with greater tenacity that would wipe out the fears and suspicions that has plagued us in the past. Let us look into the future with more Compassion towards ourselves and others and come to an understanding of who we truly are and what our prime objective is for being chosen to be born in this time and dimension. We are no less than beings of the light or enlightened beings know and accept this as our birthright, that which is inherently divine in us. As such, shine! 'Shine out all you crazy diamonds' and enlighten the world, free yourselves and become beacons for those who are lost in darkness.
There is nothing that you can take with you when it is all over or when your day is done not your riches nor your fame, but your your individual consciousness alone will move along to the next phase wherever or whatever it will be.Be ever grateful for all that you are given and all that you have achieved and be charitable in word thoughts and deeds as you move along this path towards you own self liberation. Take no nonsense and give non but if you do either way be extremely good at it. Do nothing if there is nothing worth to do but do your best when and if you are required to do so; know and feel inside tht you are the best ever to come into being. reach out with all sincerity and humbleness in touching others and hope for nothing in return,  only the blessings of your own Christ Spirit your own Buddha Nature, your own Atma Brahman, your own    Ruhul Kudbutus be cleansed. Only in letting go of your physical and material state can you receive your divine.
Empty yourself of mental formations and external vexations and let the divine light fill you up with the divine light. In silence can you hear the sound of the Universe and in silence your heart becomes filled with the sound of OMMM! In the silence of your heart you can hear the whisper of the Divine that which is and has been within you but drowned by the noise of the mental activities. Let form and emptiness become one within you even for a split of a second and let the lightning of awakening split asunder your slothful and stuporous mind, wake up! Stay awake!
 Have a Very merry Christmas !   

I am of the family of The Light.

When I think or express the word 'Liberation' I am not imagining such grandiose idea of lights blasting off all around me and absolute illumination happening within me. would be nice. I am merely hoping that i would somehow see the light of freedom from my own blindness and ignorance, my failure to have a good understanding of the reality of life around me and my weaknesses that have plagued me throughout my life such as my sexual lusts and my inability to subjugate my egotistical tendencies. As can be seen even at my age i am still struggling to overcome these petty tyrants that have ruled my life's every effort towards finding the right understanding of what it is all about; this existence itself. All I hope for is the freedom from this 'mental slavery' that i have created for myself through wrong perceptions and impulses, through mismanagement of my emotions and desires;all I hope for is to know that it was not all in vain.
I know and i acknowledge that my life had been for most of the part like a roller coaster, full of dichotomies that sometimes it makes me fill like I am a bad case of a schizoid. I have a mind that is eternally in dialogue with itself and much worse than You Tube when it comes to dramas and mini series. my mind is 'sick', and in need of constant observation or it will run amuck if given free reign. I dread the day i would have to face my Maker for His final evaluation and having to be made to review all that i done to upset His Grace and Mercy. The shame of it itself would kill me, not that it matters as i would already be dead anyway; hell would have to be the reruns of my wrong doings throughout my life. This is why whenever I pray to my Lord it is always to ask for His mercy and forgiveness for all my wrongs, big and small,  committed knowingly and unknown, past present and future, this would be my first priority whenever I pray. yes, I am afraid or His wrath and i am scared shitless to even think of what lay in store for me when the time comes to face the Big Guy. What I can only hope for is that He is oft forgiving and most merciful and He is The Lord of Compassion and at the end of the day He will judge me but until then it is my path to seek liberation from this fears and guilty conscience that I carry with me like a bag of rotten eggs. 
I keep telling myself these things over the years especially when I am in a confused or uncertain state of mind where doubts and vexations cloud my consciousness and distort my being. 
I am of the family of light, I am a light being and I have been striving towards enlightenment of my spirit if not my soul and every now and then I catch glimpses of the sense of light and freedom that i seek but every so often i fall back into my old repressed self born of conditioning and as a result of not comprehending my dual thinking mind. Within this form is the source of light that has been inherent and innate to my original nature of beingness and to keep this light from becoming dim or worse extinguished totally is of paramount concern no matter where or what state of mind i am at at this moment. I have to keep reminding myself of my higher purpose in life more than just trying to psychologically heal a sick mind or a wounded soul. Like polishing a tile till it becomes a mirror, I have to keep on trudging up the hill and discover for myself what lies at the peak of the mystic mountain. I have practically bared myself, my life, my passions, my dreams and my spirit throughout this years of Blogging; I know I will prevail. Like the Tibetan Yogi Milarepa, I too will strive to attain to my higher Being through relentless practice for the benefit of Sentient Beings in the six realms, ten directions, past present and future. Failing this I will return and keep on returning until I have cleared all my Karmic consequences and liberate myself from this cycle of life death and rebirth. In this effort i call upon all the Ancient Ones, the Prophets and the Yogis, I call upon all the great teachers, the masters, and the powers that be to assist me and i call upon my Lord or Creation for His Grace and Compassion that i may fulfill my quest in this life for the sake of humanity and the planet itself...Insha'Allah...Amen.    

Looking in Looking out.

Someone wrote that there are times when one has to be a little selfish and say no, enough is enough, i will take no more nonsense from you or anyone else, and this feeling at the right time and circumstances, is okay too. When the heart feels like it is time to move on and venture into new frontiers albeit physically, mentally or spiritually, one has to weigh anchor and set sail into uncharted waters. Where that lies is a question only the heart can tell and the mind to figure out while the body is set in motion accordingly. No plans, no expectations and no goals to be dreamed of. Life is to short as is often said and to entertain mental formations and delusions triggered by external phenomena especially other people with their own neurosis is best discarded as extra baggage not conducive for en-lighten-ment. Letting go is crucial according to most teachings as it is like tightening your belt to meet dire need for one's own sanity.
it is okay to bury one's head in the sand every now and then and avoid contact with the outside world and its reality, it is like taking a nap after a futile day of trying too hard to do what is right and yet getting nowhere. This is the time for a 'power nap' that revitalizes and energizes one's own capacity to get a better grip of what is 'reality' that works for me. What is reality? It is something not even the great minds of old could unravel in words but feels it deep within and thus deep  within one looks for the answer. For this to happen, it is back to the practice of slowing down and eventually quieting the mind; back to meditation, back to looking out while looking in. I bury my head in the sounds of Hans Zimmer's epic themes and the taking care of Furby the kitten i brought home for my daughter, i bury my head into the mundane day to day chores of doing the laundry and cooking the meals, cleaning the house and, well, writing what my nind has to share for the Blog.
Like a snail recoiling into its shell, i bury my head into pure observation of where i am at and how far or how near i am from finding my true nature, that practice which I had vowed to carry out till I exit this life. It is a tedious and often seemingly boring undertaking, however as i approach being in the seventies of my age, I find it more necessary to do so in order to narrow down all my perspective about life. The past can only evoke more thoughts, while the future remains a mystery, experiences, dreams and expectations are just grist for the mill with its ever spinning wheels. The wheels will come to a dead stop at anytime now and before it all comes to a final halt i hope to find that which has always been elusive; my true nature- who am I?    
I have faith that The Lord's Grace is within me and i need not look any further, however I still have to maintain my practice and keep the fire of this faith continuously burning even when darkness seems to creep up on me. All my trials and tribulations, my ups and downs, they are what keeps me from taking for granted that i am still on the train towards liberation.

The letting go of yet another episode.

 I spent five days at 'The farm', when i was asked to give the Captain a ride from the Airport in Georgetown along with a volunteer who was from Spain to SRI LOVELY organic farm where i normally would go for my retreat. This time around my trip to the farm was not as waht i had expected as I was lost in my lower self through the presence of many foreigners mostly young ladies and the regular locals that I had been used to hanging out with were absent. It was a very uncomfortable feeling and i asked the Captain if i could leave the very next day but was asked to stay till Friday when one of the volunteers would be leaving for her home in Italy and could use a ride to Georgetown. I spent most of my time doing my regular activity like raking the leaves and primarily cleaning up the surrounding area. 
As much as i tried to i find myself being sucked into their presence and interacting with these foreigners that makes up of two Americans, an Italian, a lady from Spain and one from Germany and a local Chinese lady from Penang. Perhaps it is my own projection then again perhaps there is something going on behind the scene where i am being judged and warned against by someone, like keep your distance from that guy or watch out for Mamu as they all call me there. I realized this from the fact that with every one of them it seems like initially they seemed open and pleasant and then overnight they become suspicious with the doubtful and weary look in their eyes almost accusing sometimes. I had no choice but to mingle at lunch and dinner and i wished I had enough cash to simply leave the place whenever i wish to but I was financially strapped. So I was trapped into having to deal with the situation till it was time to leave. 
I never felt so lost an uncomfortable as i did in the last five days being at the place I called my retreat, a place where i find comfort and solace to my soul. Not this time I was exposed to my own nakedness, my own vulnerability towards the exposure of the banality of sexual urges. my ego was being put to the grind and i find myself succumbing to my lower self, my lust and my primal sexual instinct. it was a repetition of my life at the Zen monastery in California. I regressed. I was drifting again into a conflicting turmoil that seems to take me to places that i had spent so much time and energy to discard off  as i am getting older in age and I often find myself reminding of my age and my practice of detachment and the more i did so the more i am being confronted with challenges that digs our my old bad habits where desires and lust is concern. I felt like i was there for all the wrong reasons and waht was worse was feeling like i was being used by others.
I refuse to point my finger at others but my gut feeling would not let me be to this feeling that I wa being played by others for their own benefit.Like i said it could all be my own lame projections being influenced by my past weaknesses.
Now back home in my quiet environment at home I am still being being infested by the thoughts of where i gone astray and  how i had attracted these vexations into my consciousness. I guess, I will have to work on these vexations from the very root of the matter until I can bring equanimity back into my mind; a mind that cannot let go of these attachments simply for lack of better things to think of. As things has become too muddied for my mind I feel that it is time to cut off this whole relationship with the farm and walk away with no more attachment to it and what it had offered in the past. The famr has become another roadside attraction for back packers and travellers and it is best to let it be and remove my involvement with it; it is time to move on and find that space where i found myself, right where i am at, here and now, at home. It is house cleaning time and to reflect into what has transpired and letting go what is not relevant to my growth as a whole. In short to stop being Mr. Nice Guy all the time.
If anything has been learned from this last trip it is the fact that I am retreating from as much as possible getting involved with things and events that is beyond my need for my self preservation, Time to burrow deeper into the cave and reflect inwards at what needs taking care of with my spiritual and mental health. In other words to get prepared for what is to come when it comes; the end of my days.