All I am looking at right this moment is how much I have understood or misunderstood who I am. This entity sitting and typing on the keyboard wondering what to say or write, is this all that is of who or what i have become or amount to. It is in a way a sad feeling of loneliness and emptiness that i have very little left to find what is my true nature, my true being if not my divinity; is there such a thing? Have i been doped and fooling myself, have I been wasting all my energy and time over nothing at the expense of giving myself a better life . I have watched and listened, sat before teachers and gone through numerous experiences and practice to become awakened from this slumber of ignorance and yet why do i feel this empty feeling.
What have i accomplished for myself that i could talk of and that can be shared with others to enlighten them and awaken them from the same state i am in? Yes i often claim to myself, I have awaken, but being awakened it seems is not a permanent state of mind and the mind is still the master dictating my state of being. 'No Mind, No Body No Self,' the Buddha is said to have said and yes i have touched this state every so often in my past, but these states of consciousness slips away as new thoughts and experiences takes a hold upon my consciousness, I slip back into this doubt filled state that has a depression shadowing in the background. Off course i can make an escape or retreat from having to face this moments of doom and gloom arising by watching a good video or listening to good music or if need be visit my friends and smoke a joint or have a fe beers like I have often done in my past, but these escape routes i find are jsut what they are an escape.
So as i have committed myself ever since I started this Blogging more than ten years ago to face my demons through revealing in writing my thoughts and feelings down I will continue this course of action. There may or may not be a light at the end of this tunnel, but I am already in it and like riding a train I will stay on the tracks and not be derailed come what may. As the saying goes, 'the heart is a lonely hunter,' and this loneliness only I can feel for it is within me; I choose to walk this path. I have chosen yet another from of 'escape' and it is in prayer. I have thus far been keeping my five times a day prayer to the best of my ability and it is no easy matter as my mind is not allowing me to be is fully present when I perform my 'solat'. But I do find solace and comfort more so than I have ever had. Perhaps Allah has decided that I be allowed to worship Him despite my numerous transgressions in the past; I only seek His forgiveness if nothing else.
Religion is a matter of faith and to have immovable faith I believe one has to have an imperturbable mind, an unshakable mind centred in silence. This is no easy task with a mind like mine, a mind that is full of ramblings and attachments, full of anger and imaginations; an egotistical mind. All my meditation practices to bring this mind to quiet down seems a failure, it has its own autonomy, a will of its own. Often times i have watched my mind running free imagining murder at the slightest external challenge even from strangers and it scares me; it is psychotic.. This is why I have been doing what I have over the years, trying to keep in restrain and help to keep a healing process of some sort. Yes, I could use a spiritual guide or a Guru if not a psychiatrist to help m the complete renovation of my mind although I have had them in the past. Now I have to deal with it on my own and through the means I have learned, a step at a time.
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