The End is the beginning..

In all my digging and experimenting with my life I have yet to find the truth to who I am or what my status is in the total scheme of the universal or collective consciousness of the whole. I still feel like I am floating in and out of consciousness often helpless and mindless of what is happening to me, my self. Through my meditation and self discovery practices, my sense of awareness and and connectivity to the whole is somewhat awakened, perhaps a little better or more cute than the guy who wades through life day to day obliviously. It has become somewhat of an obsession with me in delving into the inner workings of my body and mind so much so that my days are filled more with inner dwelling than living the external life like I used to. There are days when I doubt my intentions and attribute my pursuit to simply as an escape from the so called 'reality' of life.
I have turnedapal to religion and spiritual paths and i have taken many a 'wrong' turns often willingly or consciously just to see what happens. Sometimes i discover the small miracles or the inadvertent consequences  of my actions and these proved my point of intention, like 'as you sow, so shall you reap.' I filed these mini discoveries away into my mental database often with a smile or with a frown to myself, but it works, I would remind myself. The laws of cause and effect, the karmic laws of what goes around comes around, or Kodor and kodar as it is termed in Islam, is an inescapable part of who I am. From my most subtle thought to my most drastic action, I find throughout my life that this has been one of the simple truth that governs my being in this life. Hence i try as much as possible to think and act positively and not become the bull in the China shop or the rambunctious and incorrigible entity that creates waves just to test the waters like I once was. Perhaps this is part of growing old.
One of  the causes of this state of mind which from the careless and free wheeling attitude to the present more conscious if not conscientious attitude stems from my seeing with a more clear vision  of what my role  as a human being in life is. I cannot allow for my ego or my small self to take a hold of my thoughts and actions any longer. I as a matter of fact have to become self-less. I have to be less self serving and take on servitude, less acquiring and more giving, less, less emotional and more spiritual in essence. I feel I have come to realize the simple truth that has been escaping my search all these while and that is, I am merely a soul in search of itself. Just as the Zen tale of the master who sat on his ox while searching for it all over the countryside.
I am closer to home as i can ever be and my journey i feel is slowly coming to end after all these years realizing to myself that all I have been doing is enjoying myself as a Blogger.This effort of putting my thoughts in writing has been a tremendous help to getting to where I am at this present moment is in time and space. It is perhaps not much of a discovery,but suffice to say that i have arrived and having arrived, I can now leave my past and embark upon my future and discover what else is there that lay in store for me, this, that I call who I am.