What to do?

As I let the days slide me by sitting in my apartment and watching each and every thought and action with less and less attachment and identification, I realize how I am removed from my former self, my personality, the entity i thought of as who I am. Have i become lazy and unproductive and has my sense of creativity come to an end? Perhaps i am loosing the zeal i used to have for life as nothing seems to shake my being. Is this what it means to become detached, to be removed from the influences of the phenomenal realm, is this what it feels like to become free from clinging or dependant upon the illusory physical world Am I deluding my with justifications that are no more than repetitious thoughts and ideas God forgive if this has been nothing more than a waste of time and talent.
Oh, I realize too that i like to regurgitate myself again and again like a broken record, whining and groaning over nothing. Even when there is no more cause for complaint my mind will dig out hell from my  ancient and twist karmas for me to grapple with until I have no more defences and cave in. But all in all these as I have always are reminded myself are  food and fodder for the soil, grist for the mill. These deep rooted karmas are what keeps the mind busy and entertained while at the same time the mind unravels the and untangle the tangles to each and every past episodes and dramas, this is putting the mind to service while doing introspection and reflections in meditation. 
The mind has no problem in bringing out the worse from my past experiences and sometimes this can drive me nuts, usually making me feel guilt and low self esteem. However with constant observation and clarity i now can sieve through to make sense out of non-sense like spring cleaning my memory bank. Sitting meditation helps me to take a  step back and see what went wrong and why and ideally come to reconciliation and acceptance even if it makes sense only for the moment. Hence I started looking at this rising and falling of my mental formations as great lessons to reflect and understand better who I am, my strength and weaknesses. Taking stock of my past experiences has enhanced better my present 'darma position,' the ground from which I stand and declare who I am. Yes, most teachings will tell you that the past is best forgotten and to be in the here and now, however I came to realize that in order to let go of the past the lessons has to be learned and understood before it can be let go of.
It is no doubt a most tedious and boring way to spend the day, but in doing so I feel it is also the best way to help me further understand my original Buddha Nature; it is worth the time while doing nothing. I have spent my time fully aware that i am not doing much in terms of being productive or working like everyonamdullie else, it is a conscious choice, a practice in order that i can free myself from being trapped into the norm. On the other hand I have decided to work on myself, my practice, my belief and my faith with as little distraction as i can afford to without having to escape to a cave in the mountains. My lord has given me this whole year a quiet space on the top floor of a 12 story building to do my work on myself. To heal and to spiritually awaken and I am blessed to be able to eventually pray five times a day with complete absorption in the One True God.
Allah u Akhbar!