I surrender my soul.

After years of ambivalence, doubts and misgivings about praying five times a day as required by Islam at least for the past week or so i have been able to fulfill this obligation and i pray that Allah will strengthen my faith to continue on henceforth. I have performed the solat now and again in the past but most of the time it was done with allot of distractions and less consciousness and often out of p;rasing my fellow Muslims especially my relatives and friends rather than my Lord and Creator. I am not proud of myself and this confession is to remind myself more than anything else that i have been negligent towards my duty as a Muslim- 60 odd years late. Then again this is me and I am a rebel an a non conformist when it comes to my belief and faith. It has been said many times in my blog and all my sketchbook journals that i will not follow blindly but will accept truth only when it has proven to be the absolute and nothing but. 
many who knows me up and personal that i am not a team player and nor a pack member, I follow my own heart for better or worse unfortunately the later has been more frequent, One of my fault has always been that i have been a very angry and often times irrational and overly stubborn in my ways. Ridden by my lusts and desires I have succumbed to impetuous and incorrigible behaviors often beyond forgiveness. I have betrayed my friends and loved ones their trust in me and committed sins that by any standard of human decency unforgivable, yes I was bad and got away with it most of the time. For almost a year now in my self imposed reclusive state of mind i have spent a great deal of time soul searching and purification of the spirit. I have not fully redeemed myself but I have had a good look at my track record and not too proud of what i find. God has given me a bonus in prolonging my life more than most of my friends and a relatively good health thus far; it is time for deeper reflections and atonement if I am not going to end up among the unrepentant sinners. 
It would have been simple if I am an atheist and assume when I die all is done with or if I take the Buddha's view that .right and wrong is a sickness of my own mind, no, I am a Muslim and Islam has become my religious faith and as such I have to submit my will to the Will of my Lord, I pray now with more conviction and clarity as to why than I have ever in the past. I ask for my Lord's forgiveness every time I 'doa' or have a personal request of my Lord, I can never ask enough and as I do this my consciousness emcompasses the forgiveness from all those i have wronged in the past and not my betrayal of Lord's commandments. I am fully aware that i can never undo all my errors of the past but I feel i am given the bonus time of my life to make amends and repent. At least before i die i know that I am aware and am regrettable of all my misdeeds and the life i have squandered transgressing the laws of man and God. 
My Lord is all Forgiving and Most Merciful and this I keep in mind and this has been my hope and faith as a Muslim. It is not the fear hell or missing out on heaven that i take as the cause of my prostrating before my Lord, it is my shame and conscience that is the driving force. This is what i have awakened to when I said i have awakened. I have awakened to the path of purification, the cleansing of my soul before it is returned to its rightful owner. I have awakened to seeing beyond right and wrong through the power or faith and forgiveness, through the power or acceptance and understanding; I have awakened to the path towards seeing my soul liberated from ignorance and self mortification. I have created my own hell and my prostration before my Lord is a surrender of my free will and my ego before Him. As i beg for His mercy and compassion I am begging the mercy and compassion of those i have transgressed against throughout my life. Having lived my life heedlessly I now fully confess before humanity that I am regretful  
and will make every attempt to rectify my past wrong doings with righteous and virtuous deeds as best I can mindfully and with absolute consciousness, I will attempt to heal my wounded spirit; I will spend my remaining time in this life untangling all the tangles.
Insha'Allah, God willing.