Hiding behind God.

Acceptance, I have decided to work as my future practice, this would be my New years' resolution I; this would be my  a burning ball of fire Koan to carry with me in my belly as the Zen School of Buddhism describe this practice. Acceptance of life as it is and myself and my role in this life is as Such or as the Buddha expresses it, Such Is. I am  this! This is who I am sitting at present moment in form listening to , The Song of the Butterfly on You Tube and making this entry and it is 12;15 am, it is going to be a long night Insha'Allah, God willing. As the strumming of the sitar aggressively played against the guitar of Estas Tonne in Hungary my eardrums is getting a beating, it was worth it, I always get off on the string instruments and the melodic voice of the singer howling like tired wolf but in a soothing and uplifting energy; i am awakened. Yes sometimes it  and takes a little of this and a little of that to wake you up. As I get older I take whatever I can so as I don't fall too deeply asleep and find it too hard to keep up with my life, much less with my practice. What is my practice? The Perfection of Wisdom that is Beyond Wisdom, The awakening of my Divine Nature, that which is my Birthright. My practice is the purification of my soul from all karmic stains no matter how big or how minute, to wipe clean my slate and become reborn anew as a child of the universe pure and innocent. My practice the Acceptance of my weaknesses and my strength as food and fodder for the road towards liberation from my fears and ignorance. I know often times i am fooling myself, if I fool myself long enough and keep reminding myself time and again my ultimate goal, I might even believe it myself. These are tall orders for one who has been deep in karmic shit for most his adult life. My daughter if she reads this would no doubt remark, "Dad and his dramas!" Well let's listen to Anushka Shankar live in Berlin now and see how it feels; the Sitar is one of my favorite instrument. My lower back is not in alignment and is causing some discomfort, yet another vexation I need to accept and work with at the same time. The Sitar when played in the Indian classical manner can be most soothing and evokes for me the old Hindi black and white movies that I used to watch with my mother; our day at the theater which took place at least once or twice a month in the fifties. The two theaters that showed Hindi Movies, the Paramount and Royal theaters had long ago seized to exist. These were the only quality times I had with my mother growing as we lived apart from one another. I was adopted and raised away from my immediate family. So Indian classical music reminds me of my mother and father who would meet us at the theater.
I had just finished reading P.D.James's Murder in the Holy Orders and have started reading Drawing in the Dust by Zoe Klien, what else to do? Its my habit, has been with me all through the years ever since I could read. I am a voracious reader and enjoy it. How much about life you are exposed to when you read a good novel, more grist for the mill, Filling up empty moments of space and time, what else better to do while you are waiting at the dentist or having a quiet dinner at a roadside food stall. I am blessed with my fellow book worms all over the world; our lives no doubt is made much richer in its scope and imagination. I never seize to be amazed at how the novelists can conjure up stories that keeps my mind riveted from the first to the last page. Perhaps it is paradox that one who aspires to empty the mind is incessantly feeding it with more food for thoughts. Well the way I accept this paradox is by justifying to myself that my mind is vast in its possibilities and if it needs to be occupied why not through good reading enjoy and ing the creative genius of others whose works can hold my mind in attention throughout the duration of the story. 
The same is true of feelings and perceptions, there are practices that I have been making an attempt is how i feel and how i see things as I move about daily. My actions and interactions with others man and animals alike, rivers and trees, birds and bees; I become more aware of my relatedness to all that is around me "The Lord Is my Sheppard...and His Will shall be done." I am but a vessel in His servitude and this I fully accept. My past stubbornness, arrogance and lack of moral conscience and much more, I surrender them to His Mercy and Compassion, I ask for His Forgiveness and he is my Lord ArGafuru Rahim., The Forgiver, This is between me and my faith in the All MIghty and call Him by what name you may, but forget Him not; He is within and without you, I ask you, what would you have to loose in having a strong faith in your practice. Haphazard and a roller coaster ride most of the time. I maintain my faith in the fact that my "Way" will deliver me to the other shore and take on whatever is there waiting for me; I look forward to meeting my Lord as only He makes sense in my life. I take my refuge from my, ego, my pride. my ignorance, I take my refuge from His Tests and His Wrath and I surrender myself before Him  with every breath take even when I seem to forget. I take refuge form the whispers of Jins and Shaitan, from wrathful deities and demons, and I take refuge in His infinite Mercy and Compassion and my Lord is a Loving God.