The letting go of yet another episode.

 I spent five days at 'The farm', when i was asked to give the Captain a ride from the Airport in Georgetown along with a volunteer who was from Spain to SRI LOVELY organic farm where i normally would go for my retreat. This time around my trip to the farm was not as waht i had expected as I was lost in my lower self through the presence of many foreigners mostly young ladies and the regular locals that I had been used to hanging out with were absent. It was a very uncomfortable feeling and i asked the Captain if i could leave the very next day but was asked to stay till Friday when one of the volunteers would be leaving for her home in Italy and could use a ride to Georgetown. I spent most of my time doing my regular activity like raking the leaves and primarily cleaning up the surrounding area. 
As much as i tried to i find myself being sucked into their presence and interacting with these foreigners that makes up of two Americans, an Italian, a lady from Spain and one from Germany and a local Chinese lady from Penang. Perhaps it is my own projection then again perhaps there is something going on behind the scene where i am being judged and warned against by someone, like keep your distance from that guy or watch out for Mamu as they all call me there. I realized this from the fact that with every one of them it seems like initially they seemed open and pleasant and then overnight they become suspicious with the doubtful and weary look in their eyes almost accusing sometimes. I had no choice but to mingle at lunch and dinner and i wished I had enough cash to simply leave the place whenever i wish to but I was financially strapped. So I was trapped into having to deal with the situation till it was time to leave. 
I never felt so lost an uncomfortable as i did in the last five days being at the place I called my retreat, a place where i find comfort and solace to my soul. Not this time I was exposed to my own nakedness, my own vulnerability towards the exposure of the banality of sexual urges. my ego was being put to the grind and i find myself succumbing to my lower self, my lust and my primal sexual instinct. it was a repetition of my life at the Zen monastery in California. I regressed. I was drifting again into a conflicting turmoil that seems to take me to places that i had spent so much time and energy to discard off  as i am getting older in age and I often find myself reminding of my age and my practice of detachment and the more i did so the more i am being confronted with challenges that digs our my old bad habits where desires and lust is concern. I felt like i was there for all the wrong reasons and waht was worse was feeling like i was being used by others.
I refuse to point my finger at others but my gut feeling would not let me be to this feeling that I wa being played by others for their own benefit.Like i said it could all be my own lame projections being influenced by my past weaknesses.
Now back home in my quiet environment at home I am still being being infested by the thoughts of where i gone astray and  how i had attracted these vexations into my consciousness. I guess, I will have to work on these vexations from the very root of the matter until I can bring equanimity back into my mind; a mind that cannot let go of these attachments simply for lack of better things to think of. As things has become too muddied for my mind I feel that it is time to cut off this whole relationship with the farm and walk away with no more attachment to it and what it had offered in the past. The famr has become another roadside attraction for back packers and travellers and it is best to let it be and remove my involvement with it; it is time to move on and find that space where i found myself, right where i am at, here and now, at home. It is house cleaning time and to reflect into what has transpired and letting go what is not relevant to my growth as a whole. In short to stop being Mr. Nice Guy all the time.
If anything has been learned from this last trip it is the fact that I am retreating from as much as possible getting involved with things and events that is beyond my need for my self preservation, Time to burrow deeper into the cave and reflect inwards at what needs taking care of with my spiritual and mental health. In other words to get prepared for what is to come when it comes; the end of my days.