I am of the family of The Light.

When I think or express the word 'Liberation' I am not imagining such grandiose idea of lights blasting off all around me and absolute illumination happening within me. would be nice. I am merely hoping that i would somehow see the light of freedom from my own blindness and ignorance, my failure to have a good understanding of the reality of life around me and my weaknesses that have plagued me throughout my life such as my sexual lusts and my inability to subjugate my egotistical tendencies. As can be seen even at my age i am still struggling to overcome these petty tyrants that have ruled my life's every effort towards finding the right understanding of what it is all about; this existence itself. All I hope for is the freedom from this 'mental slavery' that i have created for myself through wrong perceptions and impulses, through mismanagement of my emotions and desires;all I hope for is to know that it was not all in vain.
I know and i acknowledge that my life had been for most of the part like a roller coaster, full of dichotomies that sometimes it makes me fill like I am a bad case of a schizoid. I have a mind that is eternally in dialogue with itself and much worse than You Tube when it comes to dramas and mini series. my mind is 'sick', and in need of constant observation or it will run amuck if given free reign. I dread the day i would have to face my Maker for His final evaluation and having to be made to review all that i done to upset His Grace and Mercy. The shame of it itself would kill me, not that it matters as i would already be dead anyway; hell would have to be the reruns of my wrong doings throughout my life. This is why whenever I pray to my Lord it is always to ask for His mercy and forgiveness for all my wrongs, big and small,  committed knowingly and unknown, past present and future, this would be my first priority whenever I pray. yes, I am afraid or His wrath and i am scared shitless to even think of what lay in store for me when the time comes to face the Big Guy. What I can only hope for is that He is oft forgiving and most merciful and He is The Lord of Compassion and at the end of the day He will judge me but until then it is my path to seek liberation from this fears and guilty conscience that I carry with me like a bag of rotten eggs. 
I keep telling myself these things over the years especially when I am in a confused or uncertain state of mind where doubts and vexations cloud my consciousness and distort my being. 
I am of the family of light, I am a light being and I have been striving towards enlightenment of my spirit if not my soul and every now and then I catch glimpses of the sense of light and freedom that i seek but every so often i fall back into my old repressed self born of conditioning and as a result of not comprehending my dual thinking mind. Within this form is the source of light that has been inherent and innate to my original nature of beingness and to keep this light from becoming dim or worse extinguished totally is of paramount concern no matter where or what state of mind i am at at this moment. I have to keep reminding myself of my higher purpose in life more than just trying to psychologically heal a sick mind or a wounded soul. Like polishing a tile till it becomes a mirror, I have to keep on trudging up the hill and discover for myself what lies at the peak of the mystic mountain. I have practically bared myself, my life, my passions, my dreams and my spirit throughout this years of Blogging; I know I will prevail. Like the Tibetan Yogi Milarepa, I too will strive to attain to my higher Being through relentless practice for the benefit of Sentient Beings in the six realms, ten directions, past present and future. Failing this I will return and keep on returning until I have cleared all my Karmic consequences and liberate myself from this cycle of life death and rebirth. In this effort i call upon all the Ancient Ones, the Prophets and the Yogis, I call upon all the great teachers, the masters, and the powers that be to assist me and i call upon my Lord or Creation for His Grace and Compassion that i may fulfill my quest in this life for the sake of humanity and the planet itself...Insha'Allah...Amen.