What is truly on my mind..beyond the Justifications... Beyond thoughts and consciousness ...Beyond the concept of the Word Beyond.

 And i am back to seek, seek ,seeking for more new and utterly absurd thoughts and ideas just to fill up this garbage bag that is insatiable, with a bottomless pit when it involved thinking. The " i think therefore I am", has taken a full grasp upon its meaning that man is a victim of his thinking mind, a preconditioned/ preconceived thoughts that monopolizes his daily actions and activities while in this cycle of life and death and perhaps for some, rebirth, incarnation and what not. Along comes the Mystique Guru and he declares echoing the ancient Gurus and Rishis, "I am not the Mind nor am I the body!"  Who am I? How am I attached to these parts of me that is not really me. What have I to give up or let go in order to qualify as a potential candidate for the next round of becoming the Awakened One, Yes, like the Buddha? How do I abandon my shadow, my negative energy, my ego and take the step to transcend what is without any thought involved? How do I stop thinking? Why do I need to, {stop thinking!}I cannot even if i want to, do I want to? What for? Who am I trying to prove myself to? I justify so much that I am not even convince of my justifications anymore. How I mend this broken heart this lonely soul this confused and splintered soul? Nah I have yet many miles to walk and many more bridges yet to burn behind me before I will come close to cleansing myself well enough to become a candidate for the next enlightenment award. I have made glimpses into what it can be through stumbling upon insights when I sit and quiet my mind long enough, I do get lightning flashes of wisdom, that is beyond wisdom, no sense in tryin to share these as words will never do justice in trying to the recapture the water that went under the bridge or step into the same river twice, no words can only muddle like I am muddling at the present moment if you are truly following me and my ramblings. Nah! Somethings are best left unsaid even if it is what matters most in my effort at justifying my stance, my so called Dharma Position. 

What is truly bothering me, like weighing me down mentally and spiritually is wondering what have become of my son, Timo. Insha'Allah I have faith that he is doing well for himself and if not he knows he is always welcome here, even if it is just to lick your wounds or heal your wearied mind. I am still alive and is still with a healthy mind.

What is the sense of sharing if the one you most love does not hear a word you say and it is sad to not be able to touch base simply just a word of, hey there! I miss my son, no doubt about it. 

Yes this has been what is bothering me deep inside and I keep shaking it off with other stories like what nonsense i just wrote at the introduction. If i am capable of I would try to get him here along with his eldest brother for a family fathering perhaps the final for me.

His two siblings the younger brother and sister definitely misses him, I know this for sure.

The curry will pour on to the rice is a Malay saying where else would the curry fall on to? The Rice! Oh well what I am trying to say is that among al my four children Timo Fine Arts Talent if I may say like his Dad. He is a multitalented musician and artist and he is sharp and smart! As a father I am happy and proud to have him as a part of who I am.