The Japan Foundation

Yesterday after a long search for what I should be working on next to justify my xexistance and especially pertaining to my next solo show which will be in April of next year I have come upon an idea. I have decided that i will do a Japan show. I will do a show entirely japanese that will reflect upon my three years stay in Sendai Japan all the works i did there which some of them are still stored away in places that might have saved them and all that i have with me here, it iwll be a good way to remember what was in Sendai.
Then I hit upon another possibility when I was asked to look around for sponsorship or a grant from the Japanese Government and I came upon the Japan Foundation and conveniently enough which has such project in mind when they offer their grants. I decided thatif it all works out I would like to involve my Japanese Artists friends who i had met and got to know well in Sendai especially those who hailed from the nearby mountain village of Akiu. I do hope after all these years they would still be producing artists and would still be intrested in my project. Akiu is a unique mountain village that is a residence for artists mostly and alot of creative individuals live there within walking distance of eachother. In my getting to know these individuals which was maily through my good friend Mrs. Emi Yanagisawa, I learned a great deal about contamporay Japanese and their thoughts and one of the most profound feeling I had was that they very much would like to travel and share their works with the rest of the world.
Hopefully if i could wing it through the Japan Foundation I could help to make their dream a realization and I too could benifit through the working experience in setting up such a project which could be developed further into wider scope for the future. Most Japanese that i know of love to travel and see the world, however due to not being able to communicate in English or any of the foreing tounges that they might encounter in their travels, have restricted their desire. I would love to be able to help in setting up the means for these artists to travel and see the countries that i am sure would widen their perspective on the world around them.
But this will all have to depend on the ability for me to convince the Japan Foundation or any other Japanese foundation for the promotion of Arts and Culture for Japan abroad.
My solo exhibition is being extended for one more month as the next show which is more of a Video presentation by a German will not be taking up much of the gallery space and seeing that my show is gaining quite an attraction among the children, the Gallery Director has decided that I might as well stay on. Allhamdullillah! This means that i have a place to hang out at and what better plae could that be than the Museum and gallery, the one place if anyone take a careful look through my journals would realize that, this is where i had most of my time whether i was in japan or the United States and now here in Malaysia. Even this very moment i am writing from one of the PCs at the office of the Gallery and i had just emailed to the Japan Foundation my project proposal. So all in all even if in my wallet there is only one ringgit and hell knows where i am going to get money to feed my daughter tonight, I have not too bad for the day i have been productive! If anyone jnows the teaching of Dogen Zenji, I have earned my food for the day!, but that is another story, Imean dont ask me who was Dogen or Rinzai or Bankei for that matter ask any Japanese... whAT IS zEN?

Sketches Of Life

My solo exhibition at the USM Muzium Gallery is coming to an end ironically it had a great turnout but it was mostly school children by the bus loads. It is what I had intended for the show and sure enough due to the exams and so on at the schools it is also time for school trips for most. Most of the kids breezed through the exhibition hardly noticing what was on the walls, however there the few that sat and listened and browsed through my sketch books asking questions. I did not sell any which is too bad but got a great review from the Chairman of the MUzium of Penang the man who officiated the launching of my show and from most of my fellow artists.I have been spending most of my days at the Gallery making sure that nothing happens to my journals and at the same time entertain any guest intrested enough about my works to sit and talk.
Most of my intentions in having the show has been fulfilled especially in being able to share with the school children, getting one more major solo exhibition under my belt, getting the attention of the University faculty members and most of all producing some new works for the show. Now I have to figure out whay next till my next event which will be in April of next year. It is my desire to travel to Cambodia and spend sometime there doing my art however with the lack of sales I am not going to be able to make it, I am lucky if i could pay my reant next month. So here we go again the financial woes, die if you do and die if you dont. The Education department is knocking on my door again and this time its through my daughter's school. They are starting off by accusing my daughter that her American passport is expired and that I too should provide my identification card copy to varify that I am truly a Malaysian citizen, in short, come and see us mister! I cannot understand why they have given up harrasing my son's school about it and I dont think I want to know. What is going to happen at the end of the day only the AlMighty knows.

Malaysian in Space

The man on the TV screen is extolling the Grace of the AlMighty towards Malaysian involvement in the Aero-Space adventures (industries). Yes, Malaysia Boleh and there's nothing that we cant do or so it seems and to be the first amongst your neighbors is another feather in the cap for Malaysians. The desire to be recognized and respected by the rest of the world as a developing nation headed towards self sufficient and independant country has spurred this country towards what the government has dubbed as a Vision 2020 the target year by which it is hope that this nation will become a developed country in every sense of the word with a standard of living equal if not superceding those developed nations today. It is a vision none the less a vision whereby the nation as a whole knowingly or unknowingly strives towards despite all the ups and downs that one faces in our day to day struggles to survive.
With only two ringgit left in my pocket and a potluck get together to attend for the Malay Artist get together the vision of the nation is not the greatest sight I have for myself but the weight of making sure that I have enough gas to get me there and back to my exhibition at the USM Gallery. The two ringgit is what was left after paying for my brakfast of yeasterday and today and the ten ringgit I spent was borrowed from my daughter's Raya Money which she told me last night to go ahead and use if I needed it. She is now staying at her cousin's and my sone has been staying with his buddy, thank the Great One for small favors!
How do I feel about it all? Should I be ashame? Should I feel small and lapse myself into self pity or even end myself up in despair? Who is asking? Who gives a shit how or what i should feel about myself, everyone out there has their load to carry even if most just feel less of the weight for whatever reason. I write my life as it is and it is a rambling of a mind that has evolved for better or for worse seeking to make some sense of rationality or justification and after all it is not really all that bad compared to most, I still have my good health if not my good looks. I have my art show and the University still owes me two thousand ringgit which if it had been settled would have not caused me to write such banal and dehumanizing note to myself. However write it I have to as I had set upon myself to document my life as closely as i possibly without jeopardizing myself or others in the eyes of the law. This will not make for good writing or something worth reading in this days and age where reading is becoming an acquired taste a rare hobby especially on a boring subject of this personal nature.
What do I hope to acheve other than humiliate myself and possibly bring shame upon my loved ones? This has yet to be be seen as the answer lies in the original intention the original goal the need to understand who I am or where am I at, how close or how far am I from my own personal vision of that to meet my Maker to stand before the Lord Of Truth with a complete concious mind or an enlightened mind. This has been my Vision in life and a vision that might not make it by 2020 but a vision none the less.

The third day of the Aidil Fitri

Last night on the second day of the Hari Raya my cousin Salleh had an open house dinner party something he has done every year in the past and three to four hundred people turned up mostly relatives close and distant. It was a success despite the heavy rainfall that dampened the occaision somewhat. The food was exquisite and there was plenty to go around and it seemed like everyone had more than they could handle. I did my share of the preparation by painting the exterior of the house and the wall fence around it and with the help of a water blaster cleaned the floor of the dining area. As the night wore on i also became the bus boy clearing the tables. It was a memorable evening for me and I am sure for most who came.
Today my children and I visited my son's friend's house the one that he often sleeps over at, The fahter also happened to be a close childhood buddy and so I did not feel awkward being there. On every occaission of my visit with friends and relatives the question as to how my wife is doing arises and I had to lay it out for them where and how my wife is which more than often raises sympathetic responses. Then there will be questions raised about the status of my childrens' visas and residentshp is and I would have to come up with answers that even I ham beginning to feel sorry about. Most who asked offered their help to do this or that talk to their influential friends or local political who is who and what I need to do is provide them with the files to my children's current profile. Yes I keep responding with less and less enthusiasm as i am about exhausted with looking for the papers and making more copies so someone can run around with the documents containing the entire information about my family. Most of what i have been advised to do with regard to this predicament I have done and the excuses given more than often is the fact that one has to meet the right man or go through this or that channel including appering of the TV News and the Media. But there is always the catch 22 in just about every move that was adviced and so I would relent and told them i have made up my mind to send my children back to the US where they born and where their mother is.

I love this country despite the fact that my living condition is presently less than desired. At my age the thoguht of making it big fianacially is incresingly diminishing and my hope is only in making it as an artist and being able to sell my works consistantly but that too has its limitations as Malaysians are not willing to depart with their money on art. In order to make it I have to excell and create something that can draw buyers for the uniquenes of my works. I have to give my full commitment towards my creative endeavors and learn to accept the fact that I have to become a commercial artist than I am. I am walking on thin ice and as always my thoughts turn to the future of my children that totally depends on how i perform. My present on going solo exhibition is just another step towards achieving my goal of becoming an artist with a good market value and I am at the same time praying for a miracle of a break through.
As itry to justify my courses of actions to those who enquire I try to seive through my own thoughts and actions that would help me reach my goal of having led a successful life financially as well as spiritually. Every move I have made and every action I have taken has been conciously or subconciously calculated towards this goal. I have accumulated vast experiences throughout my life in my travels and meeting great minds and even greater friends all these would count for nothing if I were to merely fade out in mediocrity at the end of my days. It would be a shame to me and my children if i give up driving towards this goal I had set for myself a long time ago and that being the understanding of who or what I am and why I was created so before I die.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL FITRI

On Christmas day the children would hang around the christmas tree waiting with anticipation on what is in store for them from Santa as the boxes and pakages were distributed to the rightful owners. On the day of the Aidil Fitri at least as practiced in malaysia children look forward to the packages containing money which they receive from the adults, their family and those whose houses they visit. My children are now counting if they had enough to buy whatever it is that they had been wanting for the past few months.
Together we visited a few homes of my cousins and friends of mine from the early morning and at every home we ate till it seemed like we were about to collapse from over eating. This was the anti climax of the fasting month,food and deserts lavishly prepared and all kinds of drinks from carbonated bottled drinks to the more exotic fuit juices. Early in the morning the family woud visit the graves of their dear departed and gather around to recite verses from the Koran just to help those on the other side to cope with whatever it is that they were facing and to say hello and the fact that they were being remebered. Then for the men, it wss a special prayer at the mosque to announce the end of the fasting month and reminder of servitude in the coming year. The Imam this morning gave a lengthy sermon with vigor chastising, forwarning, making sure that each and every individual present understood that the AlMighty is all knowing with what they were scheming. Most of the congregation left the mosque feeling more guilt ridden than elated I am sure.

The final Hour of Ramadan

In about an hour's time it will be the time to break the fast and this will be the final of the fast breaking evenings as the month of Ramadan has slipped by. The holiest of months for the Muslims, a month of great testing of one's endurances in abstanance from that which corrupts the spirit and a time to get to know the soul, This was the month when every Muslim worthy of his or her salt humbles themselves before the Will of the Al-Mighty in submission all in faith alone. There is no coercion for one not to undertake this ritual even if in most Muslim countries the government or religious laws decided to take it upon themselves to punish those who decided not to conform to the rule. And it is beleived that the influences of the negative or evil forms and energies are restricted from corrupting the faithfuls as the Al Mighty is said to have locked the gates of hell and all that is evil inside so that man faces the ordeal of this month on his own volition. There is none to corrupt him but himself, his will his desires and there is none to blame but himself if he fails.
I did not perform as well as i should have eventhough I completed the fasting days for the whole month. I failed to observe the minor infringements o0f my sensual desires and i failed to perform my daily prayers as I should. But for me to have gone through the fasting month is an accomplishment even if it is as weak as it is. The expereince still has left me with alot of questons and answers resolved where my spiritual standing is concern. Heaven maybe a long way away from my grasp but at least I feel alot closer to understanding my feelings of my getting to understand who I am in relation to my Maker.

My solo exhibition is underway no as it was opened to the public as of the tenth of October and will continue on till the 31st. I like the way the layout of the show has turned out and it is gratifying to be able to see almost my entire collection od sketches and scribbles on the walls of the MUzeum that once apon a time used to be an administration building for the British when this country was under British rule. On the first day itself about sixty students and teachers came through and I was able to them a tour of my show which they enjoyed. The Official opening ceremony will be held on the 24th. of the month and ther will also be an open house party for the ocaission. I cannot help but feel proud of what I saw of my works laying out there and the people browsing through my journals with questions about what they see in them. I wont deny that there is reservations in the back of my mind as to whether it is alright for me to expose my life and those involved in it as I am doing. It is in the intention they say the purpose or reason for doing so that makes the difference. Well whatever it is the dye is cast and there is no turning back from what has been planned and executed since the day I first decided to keep an open journal of my life as an artist a journal of my trip to England in 1979.
It is less than half an hour now that is left before the Hari Raya Puasa or Aidil Fitri is ushered in ending the month long fasting period and I look forward to a scrumtuous meal at my cousin's togehter with all my other relatives. There's is on;y one carch this year and that is i am flat broke! It is like celibrating Christmas and not being able to pay your rent.

Finding My Dharma Position

It is raining outside and the time says 1pm., I just got here from the USM Gallery where the gallery assistants were trying to motivate themselves into hanging up my works which are scatttered all over the floor and most Already sorted out for hanging on various walls. Its alot of room to cover and my works are mostly tiny sketches and prints and so it is a challenge for them to figure out the best way to present these potpouri of years of art stuff. It is the fasting month after all and on top of that its Saturday with most of the staff on leave officially or otherwise, one cannot expect too much enthusiasm. So I decided to leave them and do some reflection while getting this blog down while at it.
It looks like every piece of scrap paper that has a sketch on it is going to find a space on the Gallery walls and all my sketchbooks from the first till present will be put on display for publis scrutiny, my life exposed! My thoughts my imaginations my trials and tribulations my hopes and fears, my family's all are open for discussion as soon as the show is open to public. Am I ready for this? WhaT AM i HOPING TO ACCOMPLISH? What am I hoping to gain? Publicity? Monetary compensation, a possibility of a sponsorship for a book in the distant future as part of the ongoing plan of my lifetime works. The answer is yes it is all of these and more, it will be yet another stepping stone towards gettin close to becoing a National Laureate, an independantly waelthy and well known and well accepted bonafide artist whose words and views will carry water where and whenever. This has been on the agenda right from the beginning and it will continue on into the future till the fat lady Sings. I do not deny my ulterior motive for all that I have done with my life as an artist, it was all planned and focussed right from the day I conceived the idea to do an Independant Study for my University program at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay.
The first journal i did was the first trip I took out of the USA on a student study tour of England and from then on my trips and ny journals continued into the years now spanning almost thirty years and quite a few countries. Sometimes I loose my ground as i loose my touch with this journey but more often than not the documetation and the recordings through writings and sketchings persisted as it is happening this very moment while I am entering this into the blog.
The Bilal or Muezzin is calling the faithful to their needs and I amfeeling the guilt of not complying to the call, I am stuck in the middle of doing my spiritual search of who I am and how far or how near i have come from being with my Maker. Bottom line this is what the whole trip is all about. It is the self searching or soul search, it is trying to understand and make sense out of all these nonsense, it is in trying to come to a clearer understanding of my 'Dharma' position, my primordial ground of being, that from which I originated and that to which i am to return to at the End of Days. It is a journey wrought with the opposites that my dual thinking mind has manifest and a journey paved with seeking for clues and answers for questions raised about who I am and what i am in relation to God and the Universe, to my ailling wife and my children, to my family and relatives friends and the general human population on this planet.
This solo exhibition is perhaps a cornerstone of my artistic endeavors as I am beginning to wind down from what seems like a long and tedious journey not all that bad as most of it was alot of fun and filled with challenges that I fill privillaged to have been graced with. There will be ups and downs and there will always be success and fialures but throughout my life i have climbed mountians and dove into revines, I have slip and slided into many relationships and experiences that most people will never touch and i recorded these as much as i can through my art and writings. The question will always be there, what for? Why waste all the time and money and materials collecting things that will eventually be lost into oblivion anyway? And the answer will remain the same, to make sense out of non-sense, to get to know and realize who I am and what be my Dharma Position, that from which I stand before my Lord and Maker at the End of Days.

Sketches Of Life

The title of my upcoming solo exhibition wto be held from the 10th. to the 30th of October is "Sketches of Life". It will display an array of my sketchworks from years ago till this date and of various sizes and formates. It will also include my recent mono prints which number to the seventies made up of two standard sizes which is because of the only plates availabe and the size of the printing press. These came out quite well I muight add and i am thankful for them as without them the show might have stood a little less powerful,the fact that they stand in contrast to the sketches.
Again my friend Hasnul Saidon the Director of the USM Muzium Gallery came through for me in the nick of time to give and incentive to further my creative spirit when it was about to be abandoned from self doubts. I was more than pleasantly surprised to find out this morning the Gallery has also bought a set of my sketches for RM2000 which is a life saver in these times of need for me. Al though the cheque has not been made yet, just knowing that I have some income to cover me for next month's budget gives me a lift. My children would be happy to hear this and what a bonus it would be if the money gets to us before the upcoming Raya Festivities.
All I can say is Alhamdullillah... praise the Lord for his compassion and thank Him for my patience. I was doubting myself till the very last minute and was about to call my cousin Zakaria for help as my car payment ans rent are due but I also kept telling myself believe and be patient otherwise all my practices will come to nothing, thank You for little miracles, Ya Allah!
Now I am busy working with the muzium personels to select my hundreds of pieces of works for the display. I have dome four larger pieces on canvass in black and white and they turned out quite OK to be added to the show, so i feel like I am quite ready for the event and I know it will be an excitingly different kind of exghibition which gets the audience involved. Although it runs through the fasting month I am sure there will be a good turn out of students from the University as I have done some advertizing around the campus while I was painting outdoors there. I have also got my children to talk their art teachers to make a trip to the show if and when they can. I look forward to this show and I feel more and more like my career as a full time artist is about to take off.

The Dean (USM) Art Faculty

I decided to do an outdoor painting on a 2x4 feet canvasse using acrylic medium and chose the Art Department building on the uSM campus for the location. Borrowing an easel from the office of the faculty i found a corner to work from that gives me a part view of the building's entrance and its front. The trees around this area are old and makes a good subject to work with. I worked till the early afternoon and was often interupted by faculty members and students who had a question or two as they stopped by on their way to or from classes. I was doing my publicity stunt for my upcoming show! Soon just about veryone on campus would know about the show, I hope and who knows one or two might even decide to drop in and view it.
The Dean of the Art faculty is a friend of my twin brother and so are a few of the other Art Faculty members and they know me from my looks which is the mirror image of his. I told the Dean that i was going to the Nothern state of perlis to see a healer for me and for my wife and how i met a good masseuse. He immediately became intrested in joining me of my next trip as he had been looking for a good massage himself. So I told him i would try and make the arrangement for him as it was not entirely for me to decide but my cousin has to give his okey too.
It is strange that when my friend the late Cikgu Yusof was alive he had told me that the Dean is a distant relative of his and that the dean was sicj and in need of help to remove whatever has been cursed on him. Physically he was sick at the time and most doctors and friends thought it was cancer but he seemed to have recovered after seeing a healer and now after all these time we met and here i am taking him to a healer myself without him knowing that i have known his situation through my late friend the Cikgu his distant relative whom he refused to see back then and accept the offer to help. What is my intention at the end of the day? I want to do my masters degree and he can make a difference in my being accepted or not but that is in the distant future and in the mean time i have just to carry out my long term plan of selling myself and hopefully my works in the process. I had tried to make a direct approach before and was snubbed by him and the rest of the faculty members in the past but now i have drawn them out into the open and peeled the layers of skin they wear for masks, now I have come to know who i am dealing with and who i should deal with if i am to get anywhere at this University.
Thus far i have got to use the printmaking studio and materials provided, printed some 70 good mono prints worthy of the upcoming show. I have procured a solo exhibition at the Muzium Gallery of the Campus which is the number two most prestigious Gallery space in town. I have established my name in the who is who of the artists in the Northern region of this country and to my pleasant surprise strangers are begining to I have heard that name before when I told them who I am. By right i am about ready to launch my career as an artist at long last! ha! My hair is growing long and i have decided no more haircuts and my facial hair too is being left to grow freely to create a new look for this next phase of my life as an artist. As artists they say we can look as ugly as we want to and there is little anyone can say about it and it does work although the government agency officials frown at you when you step into their space. I want to look like El Pacino in Serpico! The older version of him that is.
In April next year i have been slotted to have a solo exhibition at the state gallery here, the main gallery in town. It is gratifying to know that my application was accepted without even a deliberation whether i should be allowed to or not, maybe it is my old age! I look forward to this show already! I dont know what the hell i am going to produce or what or how I am going to pay for it but hell that is what being an artist is all about aint it? As an artist what else can one leave for posterity and for one's cildren as a proof that one's life was not lived in vain? That it all di not boil down to nothing, Nada! No, at the very least as artist leaves his works here and there scattrered all over the world in homes and offices in galleries and hey why not muzeums!! Yeesir! It is all out there and written in the sand on the wall and under the bridges, the Bahari is about to become known to the world just as the Cheeseburger Buddha is about to puke all over the internet blog!

Pink Floyd-Wish You were here

So, so you think you can tell heaven from hell blue skies from pain... can you tell the green field... your heroes were ghosts... hot ashes to dreams... cold comfort for change.... did you exchange... I am at the cyber cafe with my two children...how i wish you were here...running over the same old ground...the place is filled mostly with Chinese and a few Indians. Its a pleasant change from the regular place that I would write from where it was mostly Malays and the atmostphere was like serious. This place is located in Ayer Itam and where my son would hang out at thwenever he visits his buddy Fahim and stay overnight at his house. How I miss the good old Pink Floyd days when I was a student at the University in Wisconsin often flat out on the living room floor in one of my Thai student buddie's dorm and with earphones stuck into my head with this song blasting away into my soul...Wish You Were here...
This place is alive and i am glad my son had insisted that we came here tonight after the breaking of the fasting.

I wonder what battles are raging between my spiritual healers and the bad guys who had decided to hex my wife. I wish i could be in the foray and wielding my own sword cutting down the demons that were employed to do the dirty work of corrupting souls like they tried to do to my wife. But who am I kidding? I am no Costantine and there is still a part of me that is skeptical about the whole thing still and that part is the weakness in me that doubts when pure faith is called for, that fears when pure courage is called for, that gives up when perserverence is called for. For most of my life i have been trying to locate and remove this part of my being but every so often it gets the better of me and that is when i stumble and fall walking the same old ground, more as Pink Floyd would have said it like living in a fish bowl. The Buddha called the dual thinking mind and in Islam it is called...Nafsu. The state of mind that bows to the whims of one's lower desires or give in or give up ever so easily and readily without a fight.
I am however not one to walk away from a fight when push comes to shove and especially when the safety of my loved ones comes into question, I too will be will to reach into hell if need be to grab my wife back. My love for her has grown more and more since we were married and it was not a love at first sight for us it was more of lets give it a shot kinda and make it work for both of us for we were both in bad shape when we met , we had no sense of direction and were still working out our neorotic lifestyles at the time. When it comes to relationships my wife's is a story of a battered woman who was ill treated by three separate men in her life at least that I know of and each leaving her with an abortion and as for me i had the same option for her but decided to take on beigna husband and raising my child instead. No sense in looking back too much it only makes for sob story and sob stories is not what i have in mind on this day of the fastinf month of Ramadan!


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The Long Distance Healing

Today I decided to continue painting on my large canvasses for the exhibition and yesterday I completed one with ease and liked the outcome. I decided to paint of lanscapes from around the campus in black and white as the show is primarily in black and white. But it is raining and so I decided that i'd opt for an indoor activity instead and seeing that i am close by to the CC, here I am.
For the past few days i have been driving north with my cousin brother and family to see a faith healer cum religious teacher. He claims he can cure my wife of her ailment of which the doctors here in Malaysia and those in Illinois in the USA have claimed that my wife is beyond any cure. Her Alzheimers or dementia is rapid and she has come to the point where there is no hope for her medically and two medical specialists written to me from two medical facilities in the US where she has been admitted.I have accepted these dicissions medically speaking as i do not doubt they the doctors being experts knows what they are talking about.
However, here I am not totally convinced that my wife who is still relatively young for here to have Alzheirmer's which in most cases are attributed to old age like in the seventies and eighties. I have been skeptical about her condition from day one but had no way of proving my suspicions except through talking and and making enquiries through people as to why or how or what might be wrong with my wife. Sending her back to Illinois was decission i had to abide by as it was requested by my mother -in-law and she was right in making sure that my wife got the proper medical care given by the best in America and i respect her wish as a mother to make sure that her daughter is well cared for there as she might not get over here being a foreigner and unable to speak Malay of any other malaysian languages even though she speaks Japanese fluently enough to have a certificate to teach it.
Now the time has come for me to set in motion the healing process of my wife who according to almost all those faith healers, spititual healers, bomohs and so on that i have talked to have all agreed that my wife is a vicitm of a sick mind that had the desire to possess her and went about it in a diabolical way. I was told that my wife was made through black magic to forget me totally but instead of forgetting me she forgot who she is and the rest is history for her. So now I have employed the services of a Religious teacher to free my wife from this curse imposed upon her which todate is about to cause her to become a vegetable and even die. The process is to remove whatever was fed to her that made her ill and this will not easy as she is not here ans so it will be a long distance faith healing kind of thing. If the mailman can deliver his mail around the world Allah can deliver Hu's Grace anywhere He wishes in this Universe ans all it takes is Love and Faith and I love my wife and have great faith in my belief and in the Al Mighty's Grace worked through those capable in delivering His Miracles.
For those involved in this inhuman act that is destroying a beautiful person who has dedicated her life towards education and who has not a bone to pick with anyone all i can say is that Allah is Merciful but I am not and so what has been done to my wife will be returned to the perpetrators. This is how it is done over here when you deal with the supernatural to get what you desire. So in the next few days should tell whether there is any truth in the whole matter or it is just another hoax that I have become a victim of on top of having about lost my wife.As they say it is all in His hands, Insh'Allah!

Ramadan

Its here the month of Ramadan, fasting and observing the strict moral codes of a good Muslim, performing the whole act of total submission in the form of Taqwa towards the Al- MIghty (AST). It is going on a week exactly and I am not doing as well as I should so far but i have been observing the fasting as far as eating and drinking is concern but when it comes to the rest of my senses I am still under the sway of the Al-Mighty Shaitan! God I need a Woman in my life to even things out! It has been more than fifteen years now since I tasted sex believe it or not, and I have not even taken any vows of celibacy!!

I went to have a talk with the person in charge of the foreign student admissions at the Education Department here and was not surprised by the banal and almost to the point arrogant treament i was given by the man in charge. His name was given to me by my son's school teacher who handled the issue, it is Ibrahim Yaacob, I am writing it down so I do not forget this character for future refrence. He told mewith a smirk on his face, that there was no way he could waive the fees for my children as it is the law. However there is a way he said. I could go to the school principal and ask the school to pay for my children as they have allocated funds to take care of these matters. If it had not been the fact that I was fasting and was in no mood making a dickhead of myself I would have told the jerk off a thing or two. Being tired and fasting I walked out of his office less then happy a fellopw Malay, Muslim Arsewhole of a bureaucrate playing me the ping pong game of go back and ask the China man to pay for it, I am becoming the pawn in their interdepartmental feud. The good old racial ping pong match on who has the authority or who can outsmart who in this matter.
Today my trip to the principal's office accompanied by the same teacher who sent me to the Education Department was quite enlightening. Also present was an Indian lady teacher who has my son in one of her classes and the four of us includiong the Principal a Mr. Khor had it out for some time. Mostly i was given the spill about my responsibility as a father and the fact that God would want me to settle my debts and how dissappointed he was in the the fact students defaulted their loans and how I should move pout of Penang area if I cannot afford the life style and so on.
When he was done I told him that the answer is no! He or the school is not going the help and thats all i wanted to know so i can go back and tell the other guy at the Education Department. The Principal was caught offgaurd and a reiterated the facted he has offered to look into the possibility of helping me and on and on he went again. In essence everyone of these bureaucrats are looking into laying it thick on you when they thing they got you and when they dont they look to covering their arse.
I told him that it is not that i dont have the money right from the start it is the fact that why should i pay foreign student fees for my two children when i am a Malaysian! Is this what it means to be independant for 50 years? A man has no right any more that an immigrant worker in his own country and on the other hand the government that he voted for is bragging about how it is helping the people in educational costs!! Read the news papers!
I told the principal that if my children were deprived of their education or they are out of school the government can deport them to the US and if and when that happens I will end up in the court of law along with the rest of the Government agencies and the characters like himself to testify over the issues and offcourse i will make it happen through the help of the opposition leaders who would be a little more sypathetic towrds my years of agonizing life here in dealing with the so called System of which He the Pincipal is one of them. LIke a the string of well intentioned people who had been offering me advices over the predicament I have with my children's citizenship issue, Mr Khor asked me to look up a datuk or someone influential in the government to intervene for me, the last sympathetic note that I have gotten from just about everyone.
Ironnically the word Datuk in Malay can mean a title given to someone by a ruler for his or her contributions towards society or it can also be used when one speak of a Bomoh or faith or spitiual healer. The Chinese uses it more commonly when the speak of this or that datuk who has strong powers in healing or giving accurate four digit numbers. Later today I will be going to visit a datuk of the later kind the Bomoh with one of my cousins here. This man claims that he can heal my wife despite the distance from here and Illinois in the USA. I beleive in Miracles and who knows in the month of Ramadan where all is possible with the AlMIghty, the datuk can deliver what he claims even if it is to the tune RM 500 for the effort.
After all it is the Month of Ramadan!!!

What;s going on these days?

Had to pay a visit to my son's school to find out that both my children might be getting booted out of the educational system here as their school fees have not been paid. Being foreign born they have to pay extra and I have not been able to come up with the amount to cover their fees to the tune of 800RM. At my last look I had four RM in my bank account no where near the ammount required. If my children does not attend school they may be deported as they would automatically become illegal aliens in this country. They are here so far on a student visa untill they finish their education. Things are getting to the point where i am about had it with the System.
My art show will be held next month at the USM Muzium Gallery and I am praying that I will sell afew to cover for next month's rent and car payment and as for the school fees I have written to one of my nephews for help and hopefully my son in the US will also come through.
Iy is not a pretty picture for me financially and for my children their future seem bleak too as I really have no idea what the hell to do anymore. Where do I go from here?

Great teachers and friends- Penang

Here in Penang where i was born and raised in my childhood I had the privillage of having a few great individuals in my life, those who affested me one way or another through making their acquaintances. One such individual was my auntie who was the midwife and about whom I might have dealt with earlier on. It was from her that I learned about being charitable toward all those in need and serving those who need to be srved. I learned about patience and knowing when to take crap and when to hand it out. In her the saying that one person can make a difference bacme a reality for me in the ways she had served this community. I am proud to have been and indeed privillaged to have been a part of her life growing up, those years that mattered most. An incident that touched me most about my auntie was when I saw her giving away the 'pengkeras' or the payment for her services as a midwife. Usually it was in the form of some rice and a piece of damar a, a lime and a piece of new sarong.

Great teachers and friends

The experience I had with my Gayong Instructor while practically living with the family helped to groom me for my spiritual future as a Muslim, however in the years ahead i learned about why he had been reluctant to be the one who initiated me into the spirtual side of the martial arts, I had no religious discipline. I became agnostic who challenged the Creator by pointing my finger at Him, or cursed His name for having created me and caused all the crap to happen to me for no good reason. I took a 360 degrees turn and headed for damnation after i left the East Coast of Terengganu. I hated everything about my life and family by the time I left secondary school and as soon as i found a job and was able to buy a motorcycle I scooted out of the state. The last thing my teacher asked me in front of the rest of the martial art students was, What did i ever do to you?, when he learned that I was having an affair with his oldest daughter who was two years older than I was. I felt like a bastard then but today i can only understand it was just me. It was who I was and still am. Incorrigible!
I had a couple of great teahers and frieds who helped shape my life later on while attending the UNiversity of Green Bay, Wisconsin when I moved to the United States. They were instrumental in getting me to become an artist. One of them was a gentleman who was a computer sales man for IBM who took me into his home and in his own way kept from getting into too much trouble than I really could have been. I used to live in his basement with his sons who were then also students at the University. Mr.C.Sule and I became closer friends than I was with his children through whom I had met him and as time went on shit happened when I introduced hin to one of the waitresses at a restaurant I was a frequent customer. He decided to fall in love with the lady and the rest was history. I was accused by his children for being a home breaker and my relatioship with the family came to a bitter end. The wife and the children never forgave me especially when their parents divorced. I left Green Bay after my gradutaion from the University and headed for Alaska. Chuck as I used to call him left his IBM job and took up professional photography a hobby that i had helped talk him into when we were hanging out together. He seemed contented when I last met him, free to do what he wanted instead of taking care of his grown up children. When I offered him my oppologies he brushed it off and told me that it was the best thing that happened to him having met me.
There was my landlord Leon P. Lodl who I might have talked about earlier in my writings cannot rmember anymore after having wrote this blog over the years. However Leon or Lee as I called him was a bachelor whose life was a bachelor's dream and when I was living at his farm house on Humboldt Road in Green Bay I was indoctrinated into the life of wine, women and music, for Leon was a a perfect gentleman who loved classical and Jazz music, who dated elegant ladies and worked weekends on his church up north in Michigan turning it into a ski lodge. Having been much younger than he was I was inflienced by his style and his take on life. We would shoot the breeze by the fireplace through the Wisconsin winter when snow would pile up to six feet high along the Humboldt road making leaving the farm almost impossible. We'd read books and discuss philosophy and shared our thoughts on art and music and drinl good wine and ate great steaks and mushrooms which Leon was an expert at making. Come weekends we would drive up north to work on his church.
The late Bill Prevetti, Mike Kazar and Clarry Nelson Cole, they are all three gone now, were my art instructors at the University, however they were also friends who treated me like I was special. I was often invited to their homes and most of my art materials were through their generousity. It was what they impressed upon me as man to man that I valued most, their thoughts and philosohies, ther beliefs and dreams which they admitted every so often that they seldom shared with others that made me felt special and taught me to think about who I was. These were highly respected individuals in the Green Bay Community for their years of dedication towards the art education at the campus.
In Alaska I met one or two great individuals who helped shape my life while i fishing in the Aleutian Ilses. One such individuals was a pilot who flew a Cessna plane as a delivery service for the Aleut community delivering goods from island to island and would take me along for the 'beer runs' as he called it for company. I learned alot through our conversations while in the air or sitting at deserted makeshift runways waiting for someone to claim the delivery. Dwight Blackburn had flew all over the Baring Seas delivering passengers and groceries to small Aleut communities for many years and he had many tales to tell about the Aleutians and I was a willing listener. But most rewarding of these talks we had was his tips and advice on what i aught to do and not in order to survive the rough life of Alaska which I later applied to living anywhere I ended up. He taught me how to stand up to the big and ugly fishermen who were to him numbskulls underneath all their rough tough demeanor and how to not let them intimidate by breaking through this mask. He made me understand the Aleut mentality and how to tackle them instead of becoming their victim as I was allowing myself into becoming. Sammy, you are far more superior than ten of these Assholes so dont let them fuck with you, he would say. Dwight Blackburn gave me some of the most heart rending scenes that I would normally watch on National Geographic of Alaska from the Air. The small Cessna would fly us along side the tips of snow covered mountains and at one time a volcanoe that was spewing out mudlike clouds into the sky. I will never forget the feeling i had as we flew around the volcano in a complete circle close enough to see the red larva oozing out from its crater.
In San Francisco I met with many great minds especially at the SF Zen Center where I spent for almost two years as a Zen student. One of these individuals was my close friend David Carlson whose life before he joined the Zen community was a computer programmer for IBM and had helped installed the Bank of America Computer programes. David was one of a kind individual who was full of life and love for just about everyone he dealt with. He was very intelligent and was into everything thought provoking like the practice of Zen and Yoga or the interest in alternative lifestyles. We both got married at bout the same time and had our children within a few weeks of eachother. During those years raising our children David and i spent alot of time together at the Golden Gate Park where we would take our kids for their walks. David was a very good father and I was influenced by his ways and gentleness in dealing with children.

I

All the Great teachers

It is rather ironic thaton the way here i was giving the spill to my daughter all about having self confidence as opposed to self doubts. However i did also informed her that this is one of my illnesses throughout my life and have been paying for it eversince. I tried to explain to her the Islamic teachings of remeberig who we are and the fact that we were put on this planet to be the rulers not the slaves, the masters not the servants, the Kaliphs for the Devine Ruler if omly we understood. It is easier said than put to practice but try it to our best capability we must esecially now that she has been informed at an earlier age. I lso tired to share with my practice of self motivation through auto-suggestion, the I AM WHOLE, STRONG, POWERFUL,....AND I CAN DO WHAT I WILL TO DO...ISHA'ALLAH, Which i have been practicing most of my adult life for what it is worth and I hope that it will shed some light for her perhaps in her adult life when the need or questions arises.
I had many great teachers growing up and one of them was my eldest brother who was also at oe time my English teacher in the secondary school. He did not talk to mee so much about life itself or provided much verbal motivation but he opened my eyes and senses through examples that he himself set. He was an achiever and excelled in just every activity he had put his mind to. He was the school's gym teacher, the disciplinarian fearedand resected by just about every student. His private life was a model I emmulated for thanks to him I got to taste Jazz, and read books that normally one would not get in the small town of Kuala Trengganu back then. he would buy all the DC and Marvel comics as they come out without fail and had they been kept till this day they would have cost a fortune as well as worth hell of alot more in the collector's market.The best times of my life growing up as a teenager was going to the movies with him, he loved to take my twin and I to the Chinese and Japanese action movies. I felt a sense of pride everytime we walk into the theater where in the small town everyone nkew who you are and we were 'adek Cikgu Razali' or Spike's brothers to his colleague. These were the good old days and i was blessed to have been raised by him as a teenager although there were times I had to pay the price when he was not too happy with my idiosyncracies as a teenager.
The next great person in my life whose ways and teachings had affected me was my martial arts instructor who was also back then in the sixties the head of the Religious Department for the state of Terengganu among his other posts. He was educated in England, a rare achievement in those days and was at one time or another was also the Districr Officer at one time another for the district of Kuala Brang. A very intelligent and highly respected individual whose peers included the Chief Mejistrate, the chief of Police and so on. I came to know these individuals quite personally because i had spent so much time beating them at the game of scrabble whic they enjoyed and I was vwery good at even as a teenager. I just listened offcourse and said very little, talked only when addressed to otherwise my job was to defeat them as best i could at time till the wee hours of the morning. It was at these scrabble tournaments that i learned about life as an adult, the dos and donts and about being a gentleman, spirituality, in short how to think like an well educated intelligent adult. No amount of education could have taught me this.
We called our martial arts instructor Pa'Cik Johan and he was formerly from Perak. Cik Johan taught us the Silat Seni Gayong, the Malay Art of Self Defence and the 'Gelangang' or Dojo was at the yard of his house which was a government quarters located by the sea at Batu Burok in Kuala Trengganu. Here i learned about Islam and the the Islamic myticism which involved spiritual rituals which were not commonly practiced among too many local Muslims themselves unless there was proper guidences. My experience of being given a spirit guide through my martial art instructor was an experience that I will never forget. This event took place in one of the rooms of Encik Johan;s home and the man who initiated the procceding was not Encik Johan but another of my isntructor who was a Tengku. Tengku Azmel was a wild character and was feared for his temper and the fact that he was a fighter who had no fear of anything or anyone so long as I had known him. He had accepted the resposibility to initiate me becuse Encik Abu Johan had had doubts about getting me involved into the spiritual side of the Silat Seni Gayong which demanded strong discipline in the religious sense and which I lacked without doubt.
After reciting certain verses from the Quran I ws told to empty my mind and my teacher stroke my hand asthough sending some energy into me in the process while he invoked names of his spiritual guides which I could not nake out. As soon as this was done I felt silence and darkness feel over me like i was in a vacuum. The sound of the telivision that was goint on in the living room next door was gone, I could not feel the floor beneath me, I was floating in darkness. There were about ten people sitting around me while this was happening and they were all tapping the tiled floor louder and louder and this loud slapping sound too was snuffed out. A diiferent sound came which sounded like the sharp whistle of a jet plane landing or what i thought was the TV next door going on the blink and it came right up to one side of my temple and ended with a snap that i felt like someone snapped the fingers close to my remple enought to feel it. Them I felt a tightennign up of my neck and shoulder areas and I felt like I was loosing control of my physical body as it began to stretch in every which way that i never knew i could do before. I felt every joints in my body popping especially my neck bones as my head finally started to spin sideways uncontrollably. Then as suddenly as it began it stopped dead and I was again in the dark limbo. Suddenly flashes of light began to pop out into my vision and i was staring at thinf I had never in my life seen before most of them although some i did recognized like my recently deceased mother and my grandmother in strange dresses. I felt tears runnimg down my cheeks I was crying out of sadness and regret for some reason watching these movie like flashes. then I need to clean my self and asked for a bucket of water. I could hear voices arguing about where to find the bucket and i saw a bucket behind a blues door and told them so and I washed myslef with the water when it came felt myself again returned to the room and the people around me calling to me asking if i am alright and so on.
I wrote this once in a class for Cutural Anthropology at the University of Wisconsin Green Bay but it was dismissed as a made up fantasy by my professor back them, Thank you Daniel Rosenberg. There were teachers that I wished I had not met in my life too and this was one of them.

Why is two of my last entries missing?

I rambled on for quite a lengthy nothing in the past few days however they seemd to have disappeared or was not posted as they should. Perhaps they were not meant to be as there was not much of great interest really they were just filling up empty spaces or killing time for the sake of justifying my existance. Justification as Lao Tzu once said , does not convince not to myself much less to anyoneelse. I keep telling myself that I need to keep to my practice no matter what the situation may be and to keep on creating my art as it is the only act that means anything at the moment, to be creative despite the feeling of depression setting in. Who am I kiddinbg? All the talk of being one with the Creator and being positive and not to let circumstances mopolize my thoughts is just another deeper illusion within an illusion, and it seems like this deep rooted Karma has kept me running in circles most of my life, its like weeding the garden with the weeds regrowing eachtime the job is completed.
Perhaps like the MIlarepa story this Karmic circle has a lesson to offer and untill the lesson is learned it will keep on manifesting. The Tibetan story of Milarepa who was responsible fo the killing of his entire families of relatives who were at a wedding and later repented invovled serving his Guru Marpa. As part of his repentance Marpa made Milarepa work very hard and one of these task was the building of a temple on top of the mountain. In then process marpa kept changing which mountain top he had Milarepa build this temple, Thus as soon as Milarepa had set about moving stones for the structures to the top of the mountain Marpa would arrive the next morning to tell him he had a chnge of mind and wanted all the rocks moved to another mountain top and this went on untilol MIlarepa broke down and had his awakening experience... something like that.
Whats the comparison here well I feel in someway I am like Milarepa who has been carrying my burden of rocks from one mountain to another only there is no Marpa to tell me otherwise. My art has never bought me anything materially that I can speak of but it has been the one thing that I have felt a positive about throughout my life and when I am facing my dark days or nights I can always turn to my sketchbook or canvasse and spend a few hours forgetting all the negativity that is haunting my mind. I know that when I am creating something no matter how insignificant my mind is somewhat free from entertaining anything destructive or loosing itself into a stupor in a limbo of never never land. I hate feeling like my time is wasted even for a minute whyen I am awake and often enough if nothing else i wuld sit Zazen or as many of my friends would say , he is doing Yoga. When I am lost in my sitting and my mind has found its center I often feel revitalized or recharged often followed by an inspiring thought or idea that would be the next task i would myself to, like writing this post.
I was at the USM Printing studio bright and early this morning wnet there after dropping my son off at his school. It was a decission I had to make between going righ home to continue my interupted sleep or go to the printmaking shop and do some work and I chose the later more out of a sense of justification rather than for the sake of art. But I felt the choice i made was neither right nor wrong as there was none to judge but me for had I chose to go back to bed there is no one who can make an issue about it for at 58 who gives a shit what others have to say about what i aught to do or not. Another need to justify myself and I might as well forget about who I am or what i have learned all these years, I will have not only let myself down but also all those good friends I have had in the US, in Japan and here in Malaysia. My journey tedious as it seems is about finding who I am or what I am and my retionship to my Maker and thus far all I have done kept on regressing. My doubts have increased about my own abilities and my own faith and my sense of being is as shaky as dry grass at the mercy of the breeze. I need a wake up call badly.

My mother said there will be days like this...

Decided to visit the USM Museum and check up on the transcript delivery from the unversity in Wisconsin which according to the Student clearinghouse has been sent on the 16th. of August. With my luck the letter most probably is sitting somewhere in the garbage can of the Post office after being opened and found that there is not much worth taking from it, or it could be at the Muzeum Director's desk and being held in ransome for some unknown reasons, it was not there when I checked for it. Bummer! But i opted to visit the Assistant Dean of the Arts faculty instead just to touch base and show him what I have done so far at the printmaking studio. He was not at his office so I sat in the lobby to take a break and read Depak Chopra's Knowing God, I had just borrowed the book from Hasnul the Meuzium Director.
Late last night i had watched 'The Matrix' by myself perhaps for the fifth or sixth times, my effort at trying to make sense out of the movies on a deeper level for it intrigues me almost at a spiritual level the question of 'Reality'. Although a work of science fiction the movie raised in me the questions that had long been nagging at the back of my mind, especially on how much control do i really have over my own destiny, why am I always feeling like I am at the mercy of some other higher authority and helpless most of the times to navigate my own course in life towards my own destination.
After having read Ahmed Hulusi, the Turk Sufi writer and his perspective on Islam and the modern sceintific views, I am beginning to have more Dharma Gates oppening in front of me for me to venture into but these gates seems to jump out at me from such diverse sources like finding this book By Chopra on Hasnul's book shelve. Although I have hardly began reading it the first few paragraphs has already seen how the author is struggling with calling God a He or she or It, which Hulusi had cleared by the use of the word 'Hu' to stand for Allah when a pronoun is needed. It does not seem important enough for Chopra to deal with the word God itself which all good printmakers would right away realize that if printed would appear as DOG in the final image on paper unless the word is reversed beforehand. But these are small matters where God is concerned and I highly bout that Hu would mind it that much because its the though that counts as the saying goes which reminded me next as to the phrase which Chopra uses hardly his own but acknoledged almost as his " to change the world you have to change yourself". Before I read his first book while i was in the US I came upon this saying by J.Krishnamurti in one of his books on 'toughts'.
Recently on a visit to malaysia Deepak Chopra charges 3000RM for a seat at his talk show which made me made my heart sank to the floor upon reading it in the news Papers. The first comment that hasnul made when I asked to borrow Chopras book was the fact that the author is a salesman, he knows how to make money with words and ideas better than anyone. Enough said about the guy or i will be accused of being a sour grape or worse sued by the India man! My thoughts for the day was triggered having watched 'Matrix' last night and the whole idea of man against machine is a very concerned topic for my mind of late. Movies like AI ( Artificial Intelligence) and even "The Terminator" for last few years since their debut on the screen spawned from Holy-Wood has raised some unsettling questions in my mind about the power of our collective creative thoughts hurling us into creating our own self destruction by creating into reality a bogeyman that can wipe the specie from the face of the planet.Movies like Aliens and Predators are becoming an accepted phenomena among our younger generations as though these creatures are not farfetched and in time can be part of our accepted reality to deal with in life , at for the later generations or Movie and Tv addicts. As Hulusi had spelled out these are part and parcel of our programming towards the final acceptance of the influences of Jins and Demons into our lives. However these characters are not as sinister or diabolical in their threat to man as the whole idea of the man against machine conjures. The mchine or artificial intelligence created by man is a whole lot threatening as it can be accepted logically and in this day and age of knowledge and computer based technology virtually nothing is sacred anymore where creation is concerned.
If I were to be the Devil himself or the Anti Christ hell bent on winning the souls of the children of Adam before the End of days where would I put myself stratigically? Holy-Wood, yessir! feed the minds of the minions on this planet with thoughts and ideas, choices, options and possibilities of what it is that is there for us humans, why or how and when are we ever to learn the truth about ourselves without loosing our souls in the process or as in the Matrix, forever existing in a dream created for us, existinf no better than slaves to some unknown and unseen manipulator. One of the causes of our suffering in this life the Buddha said is Ignorance the opposite of knowledge. The devil's greatest trick is to make us believe that he does not exist, 'The End of Days'.
It feels good to be able to offload these crap onto the blog otherwise they would just be a bunch of ramblings sitting in my head for the next who knows how long untill something else comes along with more tempting baits to hook my ever greedy mind. Much of what I have rambled about makes as little sense as a bad story line in a low budget movie but try to read between the lines every so often there is hidden the truth in there where your mind might be triggered to dwell upon for itself.

Green Bay, Wisconsin Revisited

Where to from here? I could have gone to the University and do more printing but I am also bound to end up jammed in the traffic congestion bevcause of the convocation going on there over the week end. Just got back taking my daughter to the Saint Vincent De Pauls second hand outlet where she loves to rummage for name brand blouses and pants, used off course. Took along one of my nephews and got him a nice pair of sports snickers that fit him perfectly and I got myself an apron for my printmaking. So the afternoon went after sending my son and his buddies to sleep over at one of their homes and tha was before I took my daughter to the thrifty store. Where to from here?

I would like to reflect a little over my past to Green Bay, Wisconsin where I first settled down after making the big move from Malaysia along with my former wife and my first born son. My son Nazri was about four months old then and he was born at the Asunta Hospital in Petaling Jaya, Kuala Lumpur on April the eighth of 1973. I was not present when he was born as I was hten working in Georgetown Penang for Hagemeyer trading Company as their Sales Executive for the NIvico and Matsushita departments depending on where or who needed my services more at the time. That morning when my wife had driven herself in our VW from Shah Alam where she was a resident lecturer to the Hospital and admitted herself to deliver the baby. My former wife was one gutsy lady from Stevens Point, Wisconsin who came to Malaysia as an exchange student and met me and decided to saettle down in Malaysia when our son decided to drop in on us unannounced.
We decided to get married right away when we learned of the gift we had given ourselves when having a great time one the beaches of Terengganu and Penang and the wedding took place at my Auntie's house on the junction of River Road and Sungai Pinang.My firends called it a shot gun wedding and we had a great time although it was not a grand show by a long shot. After the wedding for the next few months i was walking on air feeling on top of the world like nothing could bring me down and then he came and it was the cream of my existance, the peak of my young adult life. I had a good job with a bright future, and my wife had an even greater prospect teaching at the college. But all good things must end and the end in this case came in the form of the Malaysian Bureaucracy, the Immigration Department in this case. Not wanting to go into it too much surfice to say we had to make a choise of staying or leaving and we opted to leave.
Thus after selling off whatever we could and saying good byes to good prospect vocations and some close friends and families we got two one way tickets on board the Air Cezchkoslovakia and flew all the way from Kuala Lumpur to New York and from New York to Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was one of the most uncomfortable trips i ever had as our son was not too happy with the flight and threw a fit almost all the way there so much so that I can almost say that I had walked across the Atlantic simply because that was what I was doing exactly carrying my son in my arms so that he stopped screaming. It became a joke with us later that Sam walked across the Atlantic to get to Green Bay. I did not minded at all as I was driven by the adrenalin of looking forward to being in the United States and whatever that laid there for me.
The most impressive thing about landing at the airport in New York and in dealing with customs and immigration was the fact that it wnet so smoothly that the only thing that was not in harmony was my son's screaming. I was waived over by an immigration officer and told that if i gave him the envelop I had in my hand he would give me tha card he held in his and that was the extent of my dealing with the immigration and when I got my card I was automatically a permanent resident of the United States barring the fact that I cannot vote or become involved in any anti-government activities, I am short of a full fleshed citizen with all the rights of a US citizen. I was moved to love and respect the country by this simple gesture from hence forth.
After a night spent in New York we flew to Autin Strobel Airport in Grenn bay, Wisconsin and it was the cold autumn sunless grey skies that greeted us upon our arrival. I was shocked by the leafless trees and the lack of colors all around me as we drove in my former mother in law's car from the airport to Duck Creek. When we got to Duck Creek I was struck with a sense of lose and forboding, I was scared of being in an unknown territory with no one to turn to except my wife and her family. For the first time I felt like I made a big mistake and there was no turning back, I might never see my home again and what am I going to do there? My mind was running helter skelter sketching the worse case scenarios it could of our bleak future in this cold and colorless place. To make matters worse we were informed by the Hospital authorities that our sone had contracted a kind of worm from the flight to Green Bay most probably from the milk he was provided and that we were all asked to be quarantined till the Health Authorities could be sure that we were safe to move about. The quarantine included my mother in law and my sister in law both had to take off from their respective works. So I spent my first few weeks of my arrival in green Bay indoors watching Gilligan's Island and Private Gommer Pyle reruns.
Off course my bummbed out feelings became contagious to the others and it made their lives i am sure as equally miserable especially my sister in law who was working for twelve hours a day at a paper company and often came home too tired to stand and my mother in law who had so much pains in her athritic feet which were often swollen. I would offer to massage their feets and hands whenever I had the chance to and this helped to build a bond between us as they thought it a little weird but great the fact that a man would offer to work on their feet and hands which is seldom heard of in their neck of the woods which by and large was considered a typical red neck country with me being the first few colored guys that had set feet in their midst, but being Beatrice's son in law made a difference I came to find out.

Ahh! Mono-Prints!!

For the past two days I Have been spending my time in the Printmaking studio at the University Sains Arts Faculty. On the first day I spent a few houyrs cleaning up the studio to make it presentable as a printmaking studio and later that evening after getting used to the tools and press available I pulled off ten prints oe mono-type. It was a great feeling to be able to lay my hands on the printing press and having the whole studio to myself. So far i have twelve pieces worth considering for my upcoming show and I hope to be able to produce at least fifty by the time I am through so that I can have a whole set of prints to complement my sketches for the exhibition.
The stretching of my larger canvasses is still put on hold by the guy who dos the job for the museum, his excuses being that he was loaded with work but does not seem too much in a hurry whenever I met him. I guesse if i can afford to slide him a few bucks it might help to speed up the process but as it is i am again walking on thin ice where money is concern. I am trying hard not to think too much on how to come up with my next rent or car payment on top of seeing through tis major art show in two months time but i cannot help feeling apprehensive about the whole predicament I am in. It would be a sin to throw in the towel and call it quits and even if i give in what would i do? All these years I have always did something else to pay my way through life rather than depend on my art maybe it is time to take the challenge and accept the fact that I have to give it all I've got and stop worrying about making it or not financially. I remeber my good friend George Berberis of San Jose, California, used to ell me that i would not make it on anything else in life but my talent if only i had the confidence enough. I also remember my friend and Tanto (Practice teacher) at the Zen Center in San Francisco who told me to stop my worries about money and being able to pay for my lodging and so on, he said that if i worry than everyone else worry too and they start asking questions. These are things that rubbles in my mind day in day out or my life and there seems to be no end to it, yet i have made it so far by hook or by crook I have I have survived to be 58 and though with not much to account for, I have still my good health and my Art.
My days are getting shorter and my options are running low, I have much yet to resolve where my children is concern especially where they will end up at the end of the day, here in Malaysia as Malaysians or back to the US as American citizens. I keep telling them to be ready to take the challenge for the inevitability of what could or would happen to them when shit hits the fence and I believe they are getting the hang of it with their future hanging in a balance of uncertainity. My wife, I have about forgotten about her and her sad fate. I try to replay our most beautiful moments in life and tried to find out where i wnet wrong, like perhaps we should not have come to this country and just stayed in Japan or even returned to the US when we could. But all that is tossed and gone, ifs and ands were pots and pans, should have, could have would have what good does it all bring me except more headaches and no solace.
At the end of the day let me do my printmaking while I still can and it nothing else it helps me to stay focus on my journey and meet my goals as an artist in Quest of The Universality.
I AM WHOLE,PERFECT, STRONG AND POWERFUL,
LOVING, COMPASSIONATE, HARMONIOUS AND HAPPY!!
I CAN DO WHAT I WILL TO DO,
InshaALLAH!!

Happy Birthday Bahari!

Headed for the USM Muzium this morning hoping to get something accomplshed, get some canvasse mounted or even some printmaking done but not much luck, its Sunday perhaps. To not let it be such a wasted tie driving all the way there i decided to reada little on the Art scenes at the small library corner od trhe museum and found an interview article with Redza Piyadasa, his views about the Art scene within and without the country. The interviewer did not have much proding to do and Piya let himself loose over the whole decadence of the local art and cultural scene due to the onslought of the West. A man who claims to have understood and admired the Japanese scene and a man who in his end of days larments over the lack of spirituality in the arts and cultural scene of this country, Piyadasa was true to himself in answering the questions, he was the epitomy of an oppotunistic manipulator only commonly found among western carpet beggars. When you have tot make a choice between good and bad right and wrong, when you draw a line segregating this from that you are not fit to claim as a spiritual adept of any culture much less the Japanese.
The Buddha is said to have said that 'right and wrong is a sicknees of one's own mind', Piyadasa was still trapped within his own dichotomized mind that was born and raised a non Muslim with a western education deeply rooted within his psyche. His love for the Western Art scene was to the point of obssesion and had earned him the gift of being an Art critic often gauging Malaysian Art by Western Standards untill more younger malaysians made it overseas to study and got to know what he was selling them first hand. Then Pia became the agnostic of wesstern art and the champion of the Asian Art especially when he was invited to become an advisor to the Japanese Museum or Fine Arts in Fukuoka, Japan. Everything swings Eastwards for Pia just like Dr. M, Pia abandoned all western for what the east has to offer and how like the former Prime Minister he easily forgot. Having spent most of my secondary school years being his student ansd latter keeping in touch with him everytime i return to this country I got to know Piyadasa quite closely often over a few beers. I have great respect for the man but not for what he claimed to be when it comes to being appointed as the spokesman for the Malaysian Art Scene. He was simply a great Malaysian Artist and an Art Educator.I told him so when he was alive and the result was that he chased me out of his home in Subang Jaya.
I went to an Art oppening for the artist Shahrul Anuar Shaari with Hasnul and his wife and daughter. The show was held at the Alpha Utara Gallery in downtown area of Church Street. There many local artists present at the show and I got to meet my good friend Rashid the Portrait painter. I also met Mr. Chew teng beng who is one of the most well known artist in Penang and who was at one time a friend of my oldest brother when he was teaching at the Sultan Sulaiman Secondary School, in Kuala Terengganu. Mr. Chew was surprised to meet me and finding out that I am 'Spike's brother. We talked about the printmaking studio at the USM and what a shameful state it is in and what should be done to bring it back to life. Present later was also Encik Rahman the assistant dean of the Art Faculty at USM who is also a keen printmaker and was at one time a student of Mr.Chew. The Print studio is ready for my use according to the professor in charge Encik Khizal who was also present at the show. All in all it was great that I made it to the oppening.
So it is my birthday today! How old am I! 58?59? Should i call my twin brother and wish him a Happy Birthday too? Naah! It would be too phoney and as far as I am concern the dye is cast and there was never a relationship between us that was positive. I hate living under his shadow but there is not much that I can do about it. It is part of the Divine Comedy in my life, the souce and spice that makes life a little more eggravating if not exciting. They say that blood is thicker than wine, what the hell do they know! It is sad that I have not much positive thoughts to share on this my Birthday, I wish there is some wise words some significant line that I could let out and make my day, I feel like I have lost a piece of me with the passing year of my life instead of gaining one more year.

Hiroshima Revisited

Arrived at the University Muzeum Gallery to find out that there was a ceremony which was just completed of presenting the Museum with a piece of the rock. In this case the slab of concrete came from a structure that barely survived the Hiroshima Atomic Bomb at the end of World War 2. The digniteries were leaving the building when I walked in and was in time to join in on the food and drinks, not bad timing for one who was humgry and trying to conserve on spending.
Did not accomplish much other than sat and talked with Encik Hasnul about getting my canvasses mounted by his assistants and told him to expect my transcripts from the University in Wisconsin via the Student Clearinghouse Agency. I hope all goes well and the papers get to him as I have need for them in order to start applying for any possible teaching jobs in this country. Discussed with Hasnul about the possibility of working in the printing studio at USM with the prospect of making it a teaching profession eventually, like becoming artist in residence. He agreed with the idea but was ambivalent about me getting it easily unless I talk to the Dean personally. The dean Encik Najib is not an easy guy to work with but I could try my luck.
My luck, just about everything I try to accomplish comes up against a wall of one form or another or so it seems and what is ironic is that the Dean Najib used to play golf with my twin brother and putting two and two together there goes my prospect. Oh well looking on the brighter side I have no problem of introducing myself into the Art circle's of who is who here as just about anyone I approach or introduced to I would be told who they thought I was and I would say Yeah its great to be living under your brother's shadow for sure! If nothing else it makes for a great non fiction story.

Prospects and possibilities

Went to the USM printing studio with the instructor who runs the satudio and dicussed the chances of my using the studio while at the same time be able to student teach in return. Not a bad idea to get something going on in the printing medium to add to my upcoming show as printmaking has always been my thing since the University of Wisconsin days, I fell in love with the medium. What better time coulkd this happen now that I am a lttle free with alot of time on my hand and not knowing what to do and what with the show coming up eventhough it still is two month from now.
I stopped by the Penang State Gallery to say hello to the Curator friend and was aked to apply for a time slot for my show next year so that o dont miss out and I did. I decided to do a show in April next year if it is possible but the time has no significance for me except that it gives me plenty ewnough time to get ready after the USM show.
Why the sudden need for shows? I know I can ill afford to create any new pieces much less hold a solo exhibition on a grand scale such as at the State Gallery or even the USM Muzeum Gallery! Well why not? What else is there to do other than not get depressed and keep looking for something just to stay afloat for the kids and I. Hell most of my life I have been avoiding making my artistic talents pay for me, I lack the self confidence in the fact that I can live solely as an artist and not have to depend on any other income to support my family. I have swallowed my pride, pandered my self esteem and dihumanized myself ever so often simply because I have never had any confidence as an artist and so it is time to put my foot down and take the bull be the horns, do or die I will get my act together and give the artworld the best that money can buy, I will become the best there is and there ever was. Geeze its great to be able to dream still at my age. Let them frown and let them laugh, who gives a shoot anymore I have done more than most in this alotted time in my life most of it cannot be valued in dollars and cents and hey the game is not over yet and as a matter of fact it is just beginning!

The Show Begins

This morning got all my sketchbooks together and delivered them to the Muzium Gallery at the University Sains Malaysia. Encik Hasnul the Muzium Director was not in , he is in KL. I left the books and some loose sketches with his helper encik Noordin who has been a great help and sopporter in the past when I had my HUMIND show at the ABN_AMRO Gallery. I told those present, the security personel and the sweeper looking at the transfer of hands of my works that I beleive in not wasting time in making things happen when they should instead of putting things off to the last minute and chewing my fingers for lack of time. All of these gentlemen were taken by value of my books especially their span of time and the places they cover in my life, it gave me a warm feeling.
I have a good feeling about this show already the fact that it will be a major show and might even be the last I can afford to have if nothing comes out of it in terms of financial benifits. I hate to think in these lines about my works but reality is hitting me left and right at the present moment and a little financial gain is a great help. My self esteem,(not that I have much these days) took a beating from my cousin brother Salleh who runs a succesful restaurant and catering business out of his mother's home and where my children have their free meals in the afternoon when they got home from school. Salleh asked me when I told him that I am no more working, what is my next move, and I told him I have the show in October to get ready for. He immediately got on his high chair and gave me the spill about what can I earn from doing Art and so on and I had no answer but to duck his attacks. I could have told him to screw himself had I been in a better financial position and remind him of the fact that his and my grandfather was an artist and but for this old man who painted for his life the two of us would not be sitting there nowwould he be using the very house tgat the damn useless artist had provided for and handed it to his mother who the old man's adopted child., which places my mother the true owner of the house if push comes to shove in who owns what in this dump! As the former Prime Ministe once said, Melayu mudah lupa! The Malays tends to forget easily. My cousin most probably is worried that me and my two children will become his unwonted dependants and not that I can blame him.
This is one of the very reason why this show in October will be the final cut so to speak for it either will pick me up and complete my journey or it will shatter every hopes and dreams that me and family's is riding on. Oh life will go on but hell to die a mediocre or worse yet a looser? All these years of my life I had believed in something I have lived my life as what I chose to do which has often been against the grain, always up river against the current, taking the roads and paths less travled, getting into circumstances where angels would not dare and only fools would thread, but I believed in myself. I believed in being special and my Creator had special intentions for me when Hu decided to squeezed me into my mother's womb alongside my twin brother. Hus had special reason for having me given away to be adopted and raised as a Buddhist for almost twelve years of my childhood life groing up in Sungai Pinang among my Muslim brothers and sisters and my cousins and relatives. My Lord must have a good reason for having me delivered back to my parents and brothers and sisters to be raised another twelve years of my life in the East coast state of Terengganu alongside my twin brother where our sibbling rivalry has cost such friction till this day that I cannot turn my face to him for any help in my times of need. My Maker must have a great sense of humour to make sure that I marry an American who was my twin brother's girlfriend and my not knowing it untill too late when my son was conceived and my relationship with my twin brother has gone from bad to worse. The AlMighty, indeed sow it fit that I leave this good Muslim country and my family and friends to live among the nonbelievers, America, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave where I became the devil's own. Yeesir!,,such Is, Such Is!
Today I found while rummaging through my sketchbooks and old book left to me by my friend and mentor the late Cikgu Yusof called, "The Removal of Cares" by the Great Sufi Master and Awlia Shaikh ABD AL-Qadir Al-Jilani (Jala Al-Khawatir) and for the umteenthtime I redread a few of the discourses in it to remiond myself of the warnings the great master had for guys like me in the afterlife!

"How can you expect to receive the Grace of Allah (AlMighty and Glorious is He), when you keep spending His blessings in acts of sinful disobedienc against Him? You will soon be reduced to begging, but no one will give you a handout, and you will end up living in the refuse dumps and sewers. It may be that death will come to you while you are in this sorry state, in which case you will accept it as a wholesome release from wretched misery"
Shaikh Kadir Al-Jilani
Jala Al-Khawatir

I am a true believer and this I am convinced beyond all doubts if ther is any sense of worth in my life or anything that I have discovered from this long journey that I have tried to record of my existance thus far it is this fact that I a true beleiver in the Lord AlMighty, Allah Subhana HuaTalla, The LOrd of Power and the Owner of the Day of Judgement. Yes I am afraid of what I might be facing with this profess of my belief after all these years of challenging every command and dictates of Hu's all because of my self deluded anger and egotistical ignorances but I believe in HU's Infinite Compassion for my deliverances and that of my two wives and children for they have all became Muslims at onetime or another in their lives as I am the witenss to this fact here and in the here after and let no man or woman deny this but fear the wrath of false accusation in the after life.
Hence when anyone decides to point a finger at this misbegotten sinner let him or her investigate thoroughly the finger that is pointing lest it be imperfect in itself. As the Great Master Sufi said,

""This world cannot last forever, but the hereafter will endure eternally. The pleasure of this world do not linger very long, but everlasting are the delights of the hereafter. The true believer(Mu'min) trades this world for the hereafter, and the creation (khalk) for the Creator (Khaliq)."
Shaikh Kadir Al-Jilani
The Removal of Cares

Singapore Amrican School

A gentleman friend I just met a week or two ago at the Penang jetty had promised me to look nto the possibility for me to teach at the Singapore American School and what a dream come true it would be if this could ever materialize. And what an added bonus to life if my two children being American citizens with a whole lot of citizenship problem ahead into their futre here could join this school, it is almost God sent, short of a miracle. How I would love to be able to evenrually share my years of learning experiences in life as an artist both in the East and the West just as I had once sketched the Cheeseburger Buddha in the effort trying to tie up two loose ends of a rope with tags at each ends saying East and West. The American School from what i have read in their website seems like the place of my dream where students from over fifty countries are gathered under one institution of education with one motive and that is to become the 'Global Citizen' and what better place can it be than at Singapore, the crossroad between East and West.
Well lets see what happens when I start getting the ball rolling, maybe there is a silver lining after all in what is going on with my life currently. However in the meantime I will have to hussle my butt and get going getting my artworks ready for the next big event which is the Solo Exhibition at the Univeristy Sains Muzium Gallery here in Penang which will happen in October. This will be another make it or break it show for me and I will not spare the guns in making sure that this show will scream out loud enough that even the die-hard aesthetically deaf and blind will turn their heads to ponder. I have half the mind to call it 'Zen and the Art of Living' and dedicate the show to my wife but will see how the Curator feels about such ideas.
The Muzium has alot of spaces to cover and so I will alot of work to do to fill up these huge walls and I am hoping to fill them up with black and white sketches on canvasses which will cost a fortune which again brings back to the old vicious circle of ya gotta have money to generate money no matter what you do. I dont see anyone for the present that I can turn to for some sort of sponsoreship but hey, who knows what can happen from now till then! As Pink Floyd would have said it, "And The Show Must Go onn!!"