The Show Begins

This morning got all my sketchbooks together and delivered them to the Muzium Gallery at the University Sains Malaysia. Encik Hasnul the Muzium Director was not in , he is in KL. I left the books and some loose sketches with his helper encik Noordin who has been a great help and sopporter in the past when I had my HUMIND show at the ABN_AMRO Gallery. I told those present, the security personel and the sweeper looking at the transfer of hands of my works that I beleive in not wasting time in making things happen when they should instead of putting things off to the last minute and chewing my fingers for lack of time. All of these gentlemen were taken by value of my books especially their span of time and the places they cover in my life, it gave me a warm feeling.
I have a good feeling about this show already the fact that it will be a major show and might even be the last I can afford to have if nothing comes out of it in terms of financial benifits. I hate to think in these lines about my works but reality is hitting me left and right at the present moment and a little financial gain is a great help. My self esteem,(not that I have much these days) took a beating from my cousin brother Salleh who runs a succesful restaurant and catering business out of his mother's home and where my children have their free meals in the afternoon when they got home from school. Salleh asked me when I told him that I am no more working, what is my next move, and I told him I have the show in October to get ready for. He immediately got on his high chair and gave me the spill about what can I earn from doing Art and so on and I had no answer but to duck his attacks. I could have told him to screw himself had I been in a better financial position and remind him of the fact that his and my grandfather was an artist and but for this old man who painted for his life the two of us would not be sitting there nowwould he be using the very house tgat the damn useless artist had provided for and handed it to his mother who the old man's adopted child., which places my mother the true owner of the house if push comes to shove in who owns what in this dump! As the former Prime Ministe once said, Melayu mudah lupa! The Malays tends to forget easily. My cousin most probably is worried that me and my two children will become his unwonted dependants and not that I can blame him.
This is one of the very reason why this show in October will be the final cut so to speak for it either will pick me up and complete my journey or it will shatter every hopes and dreams that me and family's is riding on. Oh life will go on but hell to die a mediocre or worse yet a looser? All these years of my life I had believed in something I have lived my life as what I chose to do which has often been against the grain, always up river against the current, taking the roads and paths less travled, getting into circumstances where angels would not dare and only fools would thread, but I believed in myself. I believed in being special and my Creator had special intentions for me when Hu decided to squeezed me into my mother's womb alongside my twin brother. Hus had special reason for having me given away to be adopted and raised as a Buddhist for almost twelve years of my childhood life groing up in Sungai Pinang among my Muslim brothers and sisters and my cousins and relatives. My Lord must have a good reason for having me delivered back to my parents and brothers and sisters to be raised another twelve years of my life in the East coast state of Terengganu alongside my twin brother where our sibbling rivalry has cost such friction till this day that I cannot turn my face to him for any help in my times of need. My Maker must have a great sense of humour to make sure that I marry an American who was my twin brother's girlfriend and my not knowing it untill too late when my son was conceived and my relationship with my twin brother has gone from bad to worse. The AlMighty, indeed sow it fit that I leave this good Muslim country and my family and friends to live among the nonbelievers, America, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave where I became the devil's own. Yeesir!,,such Is, Such Is!
Today I found while rummaging through my sketchbooks and old book left to me by my friend and mentor the late Cikgu Yusof called, "The Removal of Cares" by the Great Sufi Master and Awlia Shaikh ABD AL-Qadir Al-Jilani (Jala Al-Khawatir) and for the umteenthtime I redread a few of the discourses in it to remiond myself of the warnings the great master had for guys like me in the afterlife!

"How can you expect to receive the Grace of Allah (AlMighty and Glorious is He), when you keep spending His blessings in acts of sinful disobedienc against Him? You will soon be reduced to begging, but no one will give you a handout, and you will end up living in the refuse dumps and sewers. It may be that death will come to you while you are in this sorry state, in which case you will accept it as a wholesome release from wretched misery"
Shaikh Kadir Al-Jilani
Jala Al-Khawatir

I am a true believer and this I am convinced beyond all doubts if ther is any sense of worth in my life or anything that I have discovered from this long journey that I have tried to record of my existance thus far it is this fact that I a true beleiver in the Lord AlMighty, Allah Subhana HuaTalla, The LOrd of Power and the Owner of the Day of Judgement. Yes I am afraid of what I might be facing with this profess of my belief after all these years of challenging every command and dictates of Hu's all because of my self deluded anger and egotistical ignorances but I believe in HU's Infinite Compassion for my deliverances and that of my two wives and children for they have all became Muslims at onetime or another in their lives as I am the witenss to this fact here and in the here after and let no man or woman deny this but fear the wrath of false accusation in the after life.
Hence when anyone decides to point a finger at this misbegotten sinner let him or her investigate thoroughly the finger that is pointing lest it be imperfect in itself. As the Great Master Sufi said,

""This world cannot last forever, but the hereafter will endure eternally. The pleasure of this world do not linger very long, but everlasting are the delights of the hereafter. The true believer(Mu'min) trades this world for the hereafter, and the creation (khalk) for the Creator (Khaliq)."
Shaikh Kadir Al-Jilani
The Removal of Cares