Why is two of my last entries missing?

I rambled on for quite a lengthy nothing in the past few days however they seemd to have disappeared or was not posted as they should. Perhaps they were not meant to be as there was not much of great interest really they were just filling up empty spaces or killing time for the sake of justifying my existance. Justification as Lao Tzu once said , does not convince not to myself much less to anyoneelse. I keep telling myself that I need to keep to my practice no matter what the situation may be and to keep on creating my art as it is the only act that means anything at the moment, to be creative despite the feeling of depression setting in. Who am I kiddinbg? All the talk of being one with the Creator and being positive and not to let circumstances mopolize my thoughts is just another deeper illusion within an illusion, and it seems like this deep rooted Karma has kept me running in circles most of my life, its like weeding the garden with the weeds regrowing eachtime the job is completed.
Perhaps like the MIlarepa story this Karmic circle has a lesson to offer and untill the lesson is learned it will keep on manifesting. The Tibetan story of Milarepa who was responsible fo the killing of his entire families of relatives who were at a wedding and later repented invovled serving his Guru Marpa. As part of his repentance Marpa made Milarepa work very hard and one of these task was the building of a temple on top of the mountain. In then process marpa kept changing which mountain top he had Milarepa build this temple, Thus as soon as Milarepa had set about moving stones for the structures to the top of the mountain Marpa would arrive the next morning to tell him he had a chnge of mind and wanted all the rocks moved to another mountain top and this went on untilol MIlarepa broke down and had his awakening experience... something like that.
Whats the comparison here well I feel in someway I am like Milarepa who has been carrying my burden of rocks from one mountain to another only there is no Marpa to tell me otherwise. My art has never bought me anything materially that I can speak of but it has been the one thing that I have felt a positive about throughout my life and when I am facing my dark days or nights I can always turn to my sketchbook or canvasse and spend a few hours forgetting all the negativity that is haunting my mind. I know that when I am creating something no matter how insignificant my mind is somewhat free from entertaining anything destructive or loosing itself into a stupor in a limbo of never never land. I hate feeling like my time is wasted even for a minute whyen I am awake and often enough if nothing else i wuld sit Zazen or as many of my friends would say , he is doing Yoga. When I am lost in my sitting and my mind has found its center I often feel revitalized or recharged often followed by an inspiring thought or idea that would be the next task i would myself to, like writing this post.
I was at the USM Printing studio bright and early this morning wnet there after dropping my son off at his school. It was a decission I had to make between going righ home to continue my interupted sleep or go to the printmaking shop and do some work and I chose the later more out of a sense of justification rather than for the sake of art. But I felt the choice i made was neither right nor wrong as there was none to judge but me for had I chose to go back to bed there is no one who can make an issue about it for at 58 who gives a shit what others have to say about what i aught to do or not. Another need to justify myself and I might as well forget about who I am or what i have learned all these years, I will have not only let myself down but also all those good friends I have had in the US, in Japan and here in Malaysia. My journey tedious as it seems is about finding who I am or what I am and my retionship to my Maker and thus far all I have done kept on regressing. My doubts have increased about my own abilities and my own faith and my sense of being is as shaky as dry grass at the mercy of the breeze. I need a wake up call badly.