The third day of the Aidil Fitri

Last night on the second day of the Hari Raya my cousin Salleh had an open house dinner party something he has done every year in the past and three to four hundred people turned up mostly relatives close and distant. It was a success despite the heavy rainfall that dampened the occaision somewhat. The food was exquisite and there was plenty to go around and it seemed like everyone had more than they could handle. I did my share of the preparation by painting the exterior of the house and the wall fence around it and with the help of a water blaster cleaned the floor of the dining area. As the night wore on i also became the bus boy clearing the tables. It was a memorable evening for me and I am sure for most who came.
Today my children and I visited my son's friend's house the one that he often sleeps over at, The fahter also happened to be a close childhood buddy and so I did not feel awkward being there. On every occaission of my visit with friends and relatives the question as to how my wife is doing arises and I had to lay it out for them where and how my wife is which more than often raises sympathetic responses. Then there will be questions raised about the status of my childrens' visas and residentshp is and I would have to come up with answers that even I ham beginning to feel sorry about. Most who asked offered their help to do this or that talk to their influential friends or local political who is who and what I need to do is provide them with the files to my children's current profile. Yes I keep responding with less and less enthusiasm as i am about exhausted with looking for the papers and making more copies so someone can run around with the documents containing the entire information about my family. Most of what i have been advised to do with regard to this predicament I have done and the excuses given more than often is the fact that one has to meet the right man or go through this or that channel including appering of the TV News and the Media. But there is always the catch 22 in just about every move that was adviced and so I would relent and told them i have made up my mind to send my children back to the US where they born and where their mother is.

I love this country despite the fact that my living condition is presently less than desired. At my age the thoguht of making it big fianacially is incresingly diminishing and my hope is only in making it as an artist and being able to sell my works consistantly but that too has its limitations as Malaysians are not willing to depart with their money on art. In order to make it I have to excell and create something that can draw buyers for the uniquenes of my works. I have to give my full commitment towards my creative endeavors and learn to accept the fact that I have to become a commercial artist than I am. I am walking on thin ice and as always my thoughts turn to the future of my children that totally depends on how i perform. My present on going solo exhibition is just another step towards achieving my goal of becoming an artist with a good market value and I am at the same time praying for a miracle of a break through.
As itry to justify my courses of actions to those who enquire I try to seive through my own thoughts and actions that would help me reach my goal of having led a successful life financially as well as spiritually. Every move I have made and every action I have taken has been conciously or subconciously calculated towards this goal. I have accumulated vast experiences throughout my life in my travels and meeting great minds and even greater friends all these would count for nothing if I were to merely fade out in mediocrity at the end of my days. It would be a shame to me and my children if i give up driving towards this goal I had set for myself a long time ago and that being the understanding of who or what I am and why I was created so before I die.