It is not that I hate Hospitals and doctors...

 My legs are swelling! Out of the blue my left leg began swelling  almost a week ago, no pain just swelling. A new perspective to pain and suffering? The physical body giving up in one form or another as part of the wear and tear of the years? Off course it is a sign of an imbalance of of one element or another that is causing this latest phenomena in my physical body on this plane of existence; too much salt consumption most probably, love that soy sauce. I did kept my appointment for my first vaccine which fell on the 14th. and that ended up in a bad way as by the time I made it to the vaccine table they discovered that my blood pressure was way too high and I had to be bed ridden just to bring it down. Instead of getting vaccinated there I was on my back in a room with three beds and a blood pressure kit attached to my arm. This happened after I had to walk half a city block up and down stair and ramps for more than ten minutes and a few rest stops after being dropped off at the wrong entrance to the sports complex where the vaccine venue was being held. At the cost of over forty Malaysian Ringgit for the cost of the Grab to get me there and back I was still unable to get vaccinated, instead I got a letter to take to a physician at the General Hospital for a check up on my condition.    

Yesterday my daughter and I decided to go to the hospital and do my medical check up, to follow up on what I was required to do, however after afew rounds of driving looking for a parking space we had to five up as the car was smoking more than usual. I told my daughter that i did not want to be accused of 'smogging' the hospital area. My car has a major engine problem and by right is way past its retirement date, it is with anxiety and embarrassment that i drive these past few months. On the way home I tried to explain to my daughter how I felt about my general physical condition. I told her that I am fine as far as my high blood pressure and whatever ailments that I am facing as I know how i can control so as not to become critical. However most of the time it is when I am forced to act out of the ordinary and against my will that my ailment reacts and becomes critical. I tried to point out to her the situation we were in, like trying to find a a parking space and the walking all the way to the doctor's office and waiting and then putting up with the insults and accusations by the physicians and more waiting for the medications and why? Just to get myself some pills that would settle my high blood condition to a normal level and that if I am not told that got some new problems like why my legs are swelling. The same with going for my vaccine, if it is up to me I do not want to be vaccinated, I do not have a full confidence in its efficacy or that it would solve the problem, however I am forced to by the powers that be and obligated to my children to do so. 

Some would say I am turning into a stubborn old man, others may look at it as an irresponsible behavior of not taking care of myself or that i hate to go to the doctors. They are all most probably right, but I am not one who takes these matters lightly as it concerns my well being as a whole, for sure I have done a whole lot of discerning over these issues and I do not come to my conclusions lightly. At my age which in two months would be 73 years old, I feel I can tell when and what I need and if given a choice I can fare better without too much pushing one way or another from those who care for my well being; I fully trust in myself to care for myself. One of my criteria in making any form of conclusion is to reflect upon those who have lived their lives before me, like my father and uncles and relatives and friends of ages close to my own today; what were they like when they were in their sixties, seventies or eighties. They all died of one cause or another no doubt and I will too however I feel like I have kept myself well within the comfort zone not suffering any crippling ailment like a massive stroke that would cause a paralysis of some kind, but at 73 anything is possible and this I accept. I cannot fight the inevitable but I can maintain what I have and keep my physical and mental health steady as she goes. 

What is more crucial for me is the fact that I can still be lucid in my thinking process and even productive in sharing my god given talents if and when needed. It is my intention that I keep this ongoing journal of mine which is now in the form of a Blog alive and share whatever it is that is happening in my life to become a reflection for those who stumble upon this Blog. I hope that this Blog will be my legacy to leave behind if not for my own children it would be for others' and that it would touch their lives in some small way that would help them to find their way through the trials and tribulations of life that they face. Especially in these days of the pandemic and global uncertainty, of wars and economic failures, of fears and famine; I hope my boring and tedious Blogging would provide some measure of comfort.  

All it takes is Love...Unconditional Love.

 As the intensity of the COVID19 pandemic fluctuates from one moment to another and general Lock Downs are being imposed throughout the country one begin to see the how affected the population is from lack of sense of direction and uncertainties. The private sectors especially those who carry out small businesses are beginning to feel the dire and critical state of their very survival. Small retailers, grocery shops, coffee shops, small restaurants and roadside stalls, barber and beauty salons, are among the most affected small businesses and most are folding up their operations. The Pandemic is getting to become more serious and the population is beginning to feel the pressure and anxiety materially, psychologically and spiritually. Some calls it a wake up call for humanity as a whole while others are still figuring out who to point their fingers at while others yet are becoming much more richer and powerful through the exploitation of the whole situation mankind is facing.

While humanity faces the threat of a serious pandemic the major so called world leaders are rapping up their agendas in saber rattling and phallic shaking against one another vying for dominance. Headlines like, "Russia fortifies Central Asia military clout before US Afghan exit," or " Indonesia looks to triple submarine fleet after China incursions," or "US flags 'serious concerns' over Cambodia's China-backed navy base." These are among the headlines of the Japanese media Nikkei Asia as advertised on Face Book of late. For every story behind the headline of this nature, if indeed true, one can only imagine how much is being spent by the various parties in the name of their security interest alone and these are just the tip of the ice burg where world hegemony is concern. Some I get the feeling that while humanity is facing its killer virus there is greater concern that lurks behind the scene in the form of annihilation of the planet itself in the making as major world leaders are out to prove who can piss the farthest. As I have often maintained, human lives are in this day and age valued at the price of a bullet or even less as in today's arsenal of war just about every major dogs of war owns a weapon of mass destruction of one kind or another. You and I,we are just pawns in the game of non existent thrones, a game where there will not be a winner and losers takes all. 

Bleak as it may seem, we have to live life as it is our destiny to be born in this day and age, to become witnesses to the follies of our own making and to make the best of whatever is salvageable of this planet we call home so our children and theirs will inherit something worthwhile to live for. There is not sure way solution at least anymore as most of humanity are locked down in one form of pandemic or another albeit viruses or economic, religious or technological, yes everything has taken the form of a pandemic in our age. If there be a cure out of this our predicament it would be a miracle or great proportion manifested out of our simplest nature, a nature inherent in all of us and that is, Unconditional Love. Yes, it sounds naive and archaic to the contemporary ears as the word Love itself like most words of its nature are today becoming rare and if used is mostly in its distorted forms. Love, Compassion, Care, Empathy and so forth are words rarely in circulation these days in any given language on the planet except in the language of the indigenous people scattered here and there in their native country. We as a human specie have forgotten our inherent nature of being the caretaker of this planet we call home and we have morphed into a very self centered, self serving and egocentric entity not unlike a cancerous virus out for self destruction.

It is a futile effort to be screaming at the mountain day in day out without doing damage to oneself and accomplishing nothing but try one must no matter how futile the effort, if only one soul listens and decides to take on the action of spreading positive vibes and constructive resonance in and about their community, it is worth the effort. It is like swimming up the river, against the current and keeping one's nose above water lest we drown, but swim we must for the fate of the river itself lay in our hands. The awareness that needs to be raised throughout the land is a must for as many to be awaken as possible in order to make a difference in forging our future and that of the planet and it takes hard work especially of the 'inner engineering," as Sat Guru, the self proclaimed Hindu Mystique would call it. Humanity is drifting and we are so far removed from our spiritual or as the Buddhist call it Dharma Position that we have become adrift in the ocean of Samsara or suffering with no anchor nor any rudder to guide us by. Blinded by science and technology, intellect and politics, we have practically lost our original humane nature of Love, Compassion and Devotion; we are governed by our Greed,, Hate and Ignorance; we call it the will to survive.

"We have been infected with this idea that love is an emotion only felt between two people. But love is universal. an energy, a contagious force, a gift. To save a worm from the hot sun is to love, to smile at a stranger is to love. To be grateful, to be, to be hopeful, to be brave, to be forgiving, to be proud, is to Love." - A.R. Lucas.

#unconditionallove, #arlucas,#nikkeiasia,#innerengineering

 

 

"I said that it would be so and it be so!

 " You did not come here to be the vibrational version.

You came here to be the manifested versions.

You came to enjoy your life, You came to feel the progress,.

"To be the Realizer, The Liver, The Seer, The Hearer, The Smeller, The Toucher..."

Abraham Hicks - The Laws of Attraction.

I stumbled upon the video, GET READY, Things will Happen as Soon as Today.upon waking up from my nap which as usual followed by a short sitting meditation before stepping off my bed. I was not feeling positive and as a matter of fact was regressing into a sense of despair and giving up. Feeling that I am not getting anywhere with myself in my practice and so forth. In short I was in a "Fuck it!" and " The hell with it. It ain't happening and I am just kidding myself." Then I sat at the computer and browsed You Tube and saw what looked like an interesting video with David Icke entitled, "It's Beginning t Happen Everywhere." My mind told me that I have not seen too many David Icke videos lately and this looked a good place to start. The video with david was ok but the following above video with Abraham Hicks caught my attention and I played it over three times. Talk about being in the same vibration frequency, the message carried through like an echo from the distant past when I read the same message somewhere forgotten and now it has resurfaced at this moment in time to pick me back up and perhaps deliver me from this sense of hopelessness and despair.

No I do not have to make up stories not anymore, it happens and when it does I try to share it as it is. The Laws of Attraction, The Laws of Abundance and the rest of it is not something new to me as I have been exposed in the past to these principles from one source or another. The Laws of Attraction perhaps has come into manifestation for meat this moment as a reminder of what it is that I am on the journey to find out and perhaps a reminder not to give up before its frution for i have come a very long way in my adult life having gone through numerous varieties of experiences positive and negative; I just needed the little push or lift from yet another dimension of my subconscious; a forgotten principle still at work within me. Yes, I strongly believe in the fact that whatever the mind has conceived in the past to be true it will manifest itself into the future when the time is ripe and there is a need for it to be made apparent. 

"Believes are just thoughts you keep thinking,. They don't have any basis in reality other than that you are creating reality from the believes that you hold..."

Perhaps my being impatient is the cause of my regression into giving up my practice or perhaps my expectation of something to happen out of the ordinary to deliver me from this mundane routine of the COVID pandemic existence of in-house arrest. However i did feel the uselessness and the sense of hopelessness the past few days and then again perhaps it has to do with my decision to give up cigarette smoking, well at least for now. I mention this only to remind myself that sometimes things happen for obvious reasons that we tend to overlook like giving up smoking can lead  to depression. The is a part of the equation that i just now realized as to why i felt a sense of regression and despair hitting me. A major aspect of meditation practice is enhance awareness of one's daily routine and habits, like everything is blown out larger than it really is. Episodes and events, simple matters and ordinary stuff becomes more exaggerated made to seem more relevant that they really are. Another aspect of meditative practice that is often overlooked is the fact that negative events and phenomena holds a more dominant grip upon the consciousness than positive ones.

I realize too that one of my problems having these regressions is the fact that i easily forget who I am. I often woke up with aches and pains perhaps synonymous with old age and this immediately transform into a negative mental condition. Hence why i like to sit in meditation for a while before i make my move off the bed. This shoet period of sitting would help to unwind the night's tangles from my consciousness. By proper breathing and which leads to the realignment of the physical body I would often dispel most of the nagging aches and pains in my joints and especially in the center of my chest. I would usually continue with some stretching movements after i have felt the settling down f my entire body and this helps to renew and rejuvenate myself loosening up most of my knotted muscles the result of sleep. All in all the key to waking up with a positive state of mind is to focus on one's breathing which will release most of the tied up, knotted and tangled muscles in the entire body thus allowing for a free uninterrupted flow of the energy or Chi throughout the body.    

" I said that would be so, and it be so." 

"Kun faya Kun."

#abrahamhicks, #lawsofattraction.

A Message to the young ones.

 It has been almost a week now that my cousin sister and I called her Piah, has passed away, she was one of those relatives that I am very close to and will miss her presence even though we see each other every once in a while due to circumstances. I was at her funeral and threw some earth into her grave as a gesture of my farewell at the end of her burial proceedings. She had succumbed to her abdominal cancer which was ironic for one who loves to cook and enjoys eating. What came to my mind while at the funeral was how my nieces and nephews has an attitude problem when it comes to respecting their elders. I am not talking about her children but in genral as I have many of my own and many with their own children. I have been keeping this observation not wanting to make it an issue myself but as it is my intention to untangle the tangles in my own personal life, it is imperative that I take on this issue once and for all. My brothers and sisters all have their own children, my nephews and nieces and some of the have their own children making these my grandchildren. As I get older I began to notice how distanced these children are from me as though I do not exist, much less to be concerned with.

 Not a call nor a message on face book or any form of communication whatsoever over the year so much so that if we were to pass each other on the road we would not know who or how we are related to one another. I am not expecting any warm and cordial attention from them just a simple hello now and then would suffice. Perhaps the elders today have much to be blamed for the manner in which the younger generation has little or no respect for them or their status in life. Perhaps it is the shades of what is to come where the family unit in concern; call it family distancing.

For myself having been living in the same house with my two adult children I have come to realize that Love alone does not cover the whole spectrum of bringing up your kids, the love has to be accompanied by respect and appreciation. Recognizing their abilities and accomplishments their success and failures and serving them needs without having to be asked is crucial in creating a strong bond in the parent child relationship. Not imposing my own will, albeit religious or spiritual thoughts and ideals, is also a part of the process and most of all getting to know and understand who they are or having grown into and encouraging them in every step forward they take is a very important awareness to not take it for granted. When dealing with my children as they become adults I assume them to be treated more as my trusted friends than my kids. If they cop an attitude then i learn what it is that is not going right or I would simply retreat into my cave usually meditating or reading my novels and if they are successful in any small ways I let them know that I am aware and am proud of their accomplishment. If they insist that I should watch Liverpool play at 3am. I make an effort to enjoy the game or watch Game of Thrones for the second round for that matter.  Their opinions matters more than my own on things that pertain to daily living like keeping medical appointments and grocery shopping. I am beginning to feel like I am entering a phase of playing a reverse role in our relationship; the father becomes the child. I never claim to be a good father but I do my best to make amends where amends are needed and carry my responsibility with sincere determination as a father

There is no sure fired way to deal with your children especially when they have become full flesh adults themselves and circumstances has made it such that you are not able to leave them and be on your own like you used to. However i have a strong believe in teaching by example I do what I feel is right by me and if by chance they like it good if not well you go your way I mine and thus there is no coerce or forcefulness in getting across my message to them. One of the reasons why I keep making my postings in this Blog, right or wrong it is up for debate and nothing is etched in stone. The crux of the matter is to share my thoughts and actions as best i can before I make my final entry in this Blog of life itself; start a new Blog in the afterlife.

 

  

How Many Moments are there in a Day?

  Living in this world of make believe it is hard to convince myself that most of the illusory manifestations that pops up within and without myself, are intrinsically not real and how much harder it is to convince others.  What is real and what is not kinda overlaps and sometimes  one gets lost in them and forgets what the practice is all about when it comes to putting life into perspective. Putting life into perspective, what that even mean? Life happens moment to moment as far as I have been alive and there was never a doubt in my mind that the next will happen one way or another and the last moment will never ever return except as my memory or upon my reflection. A friend once told me that I have no plans for the future in my life, I simply live without any sense of planning my next move except off course for the simple necessities of daily chores and routine survival, like doing the dishes and cooking the dinner. Even then I just had to ask my daughter before I sat at the computer what i should make for dinner tonight; I had no plan of making Kailan, (kinda spinach like veggie) chicken but there it is as she suggested, Kailan chicken it is. My life as I am beginning to discover has no real perspective to it to speak of and never had as it seems events simply happens and I simply respond as best I can moment to moment.

Just finished reading "For The Time Being'', a novel by Ruth Ozeki and at the end of the novel and it's worth quoting here,

"The Zen nun Jiko Yasutani once told me in a dream that you can't understand what it is to be alive on this earth until you understand the time being, you have to understand what a moment is.

In my dream I asked her, What on earth is a moment?

A moment is a very small particle of time. It is so small that one day is made of 6,400,o99,980 moments.

 When I looked up afterward I discovered that this was the exact number cited by Zen Master Dogen in his master work the Shobogenzo, ( the Treasury of the True Dharma Eye)

Numerals resist the eye, so let me spell it out in words: six billion, four hundred million, ninety-nine thousand and eighty. That's how many moments Zen Master Dogen posited are in one day and after rattled off the number old Jiko snapped her fingers. Her fingers were crazily bent and twisted with arthritis, so she was not very good at snapping, but she somehow got the point across.

Please try it, she said. Did you snap? Because if you did that snaps equals sixty-five moments.

The granularity of the Zen view of time becomes clear if you do the math or you can just take Jiko's word for it...

if start snapping your fingers now an continue snapping 98,463,,077 times without stopping, the sun will rise and the sun will set, and the sky will grow dark and the night will deepen, and everyone will sleep while you are still snapping, until finally, sometime after daybreak when you finish up your snapping 98,463,077 snap, you will experience the truly intimate awareness of knowing exactly how  you spent every single moment of s single day of your life....

That's what it means to be a time being, old Jiko told me, and then she snapped her crooked fingers again.

And just like that, you die."

Appendix A: Zen Moments.

#ruthozeki, #shobogenzo, #zenmasterdogen, #thetimebeing 

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Look at what they done to my world, Ma!

 The Israel- Palestinian conflict is flaring up again like an old sore that refuses to abate once and for all. Many are concerned and the escalation of the conflict seems immanent in the near future as more and more countries are taking sides and aggravating the situation even more so. Basic human faith and belief, human decency and love for one another is being put to the maximum scrutiny by the entire world as the Internet and various other Media spreads each their own version and perspective of the events unfolding in the Gaza Peninsular. There is not a single act of love or care for another, or any act of human decency being exposed but just the acts of  brutality.rage and murder that each inflict upon the other on a daily basis. It is like the world is being entertained online by a Real Life horror show which evidently is what is selling on the Media market today. We are insatiable movie buffs and we love our reality shows the more real the better and now we are being delivered what we wish for to satisfy our urge for blood lust morbidity, the desire to see hell being inflicted upon others as long as it is not happening in our living room. 

We like to seem righteous when it comes making our thoughts and feelings known especially when a judgmental perspective is called for or sides to take on. We ever so often make our points expressed from our own personal and socio - cultural stand, we make our choices based upon how conditioned we are and how the religious as well society has a hold on our views. We are also influenced by our own self interest, like how can we benefit from whatever we are being exposed to. In this day and age most of us are trapped into this mode of expression as we face our day to day trials and tribulations, the choices we have to make and the excuses we are ask to give. However no matter how deep and thorough we look into ourselves we eventually will come to a realization that we can never justify enough, and no justification we make can convince, not even to ourselves; we are creatures of our thoughts and what we think is never what truly is. Our thoughts and perceptions of what our existence is all about is conditioned by our past experiences and thoughts and ideas imposed upon us by parents, teachers and society at large, rarely do develop our very own original intuitive perception that is free from these influences.

As more lives and properties are being annihilated by the ongoing conflicts in and around the Middle Eastern Countries and Myanmar, not to mention the countries in the continent of Africa where famine and tribal warfare are still rampant, we who are able to sit and make our observations and give out interpretations and perspectives, we are no better than mere tourists visiting a zoo taking stock of things with our cameras keeping an ongoing record for posterity. It would take a real miracle worker to make a difference in what we as humanity is experiencing, it would take a true awakened being, a real enlightened mind, but these are in short supply or so it seems and they exist somewhere they are not willing to make an appearance unless there is a call to by some cataclysmic event that threatens their own cave somewhere. In the meantime it is left up to you and me to keep trying to make sense out of every bit of nonsense that comes our way if nothing else for the sake of our own sanity. 

We can only empathize with what is going on all around and render aid where we can afford to accordingly, however it is impossible to carry the cross of the suffering of humanity for we are not equipped to do so. it can even detrimental to our health to attempt to do so as it would would tear us apart to the foundation mentally and physically.All that can be done is to pray if we are a divine being surrendering to the will of our divine nature that has the capacity beyond our human endurance and become the channel through which miracles can be called upon to happen in times of dire need for the sake of the rest of sentient beings around us. To accomplish his we have to come to realize our innate nature of being an eternal soul with a universal consciousness not bound by the laws of karma or conditioned by the laws of man. We have to discover our true nature that transcends all limitation and operate from that state of unconditional love and compassion. However most of humanity has lost or even are oblivious to this state and have accepted our lot as a helpless entity subjected to the whims of fate. How can we be of service to humanity when we are lost in our personal egocentric, self serving sense of personal survival.  

#Israel- Palestinian conflict, #                

Post Ramadan 3 days after Review.

 The Chinese cemetery at Batu Gantung is turning green and so is the race course area and the hills are much greener now after the spell of hot weather we had a few weeks ago. How predictable nature is in making sure that all is well accordingly in the cycle of life and its is most reassuring to me that somethings remain in accordance the laws of nature. The Penang Hill is slowly being used and abused by those tah can afford to do so in the need to confirm of the wealth and status for all the rest to witness and wondering who or what kind of people has the audacity to clear the hillsides for their creature comfort. It is a sad feeling to bear witness to the slow balding of the hillsides where patches of cleared forest can be seen like scabs upon the skin. The skies are littered with white clouds rising from behind the hills that stretches from one end of my vision to the other and the bright blue sky was like a curtain behind in the background. Morning has broken and I watered the plants and fed the pigeons on the neighbor's roof, they were waiting for me as soon as I stepped out of the apartment.

The thrid day of Eid Mubarak three days had passed after the fasting month of Ramadan and I posted on fb, " Now that Ramadan has passed, and the pandemic has forced you to stay home, what have you learned about youself?" Threw some cloths into the washer and did the dishes, fed the cat and continued reading, "A Tale For The Time Being," by Ruth Ozeki. It is a gem of a novel that brings back memories of my three years spent in Sendai, Japan and having spent two years as a Zen student at the Green Gulch Zen Community in Marin County, California. It is a novel I would gladly recommend to anyone who has the desire to understand Japan and its culture and traditions, her ups and down and Japan is still one of my favorite places among all the places i Have had the privilege of residing in my gone by days. The spirit of Bushido and that of Zen practice, the master pieces of Hokusai and Utamaro, the Old temples and the Bullet trains and the Sakura blooms in spring, they all were etched into my mind as a special treat for me and my family. The story included places I had lived in as we were located in the Miyagi Prefecture and the life of the people described are as real as I had experienced them. Reading this novel is like revisiting the places that I had visited while living in Sendai.

As part of the scenario in the story depicts the writer's life in the United States, Sunnyvale in California and the Pacific Northwest, I can relate with them as I had lived in both the areas and am familiar with the life and conditions personally having lived in the San Francisco Bay area for ten years and the Aleutian Chain area of Alaska for two years. Hence as I am reading the book I am being transported in time by memories of these places and the experiences I had being there.

Sunnyvale (/ˈsʌniveɪl, vəl/) is a city located in Santa Clara County, California, in Silicon Valley. As of the 2010 United States Census, the population was 140,095.

Sunnyvale is the 7th most populous city in the San Francisco Bay Area and one of the major cities comprising Silicon Valley. It is bordered by portions of San Jose to the north, Moffett Federal Airfield to the northwest, Mountain View to the northwest, Los Altos to the southwest, Cupertino to the south, and Santa Clara to the east. It lies along the historic El Camino Real and Highway 101.

On this 3rd day post Ramadan the country is on partial lockdown due to the pandemic and so there is very little travelling as it used to be where city folks would migrate to their home villages better in Malay as Balik Kampung to visit their family and friends they had left behind to seek their fortune in the big cities. In a way it is a blessing indisguise as there is less fuel waste on the highways and fewer accidents, less garbage thrown out of car windows along the highways and most importantly less wastage on food. To the Muslim Malays Eid Mubarak is like Christmas or Thanksgiving where familes get together and exchange to strengthen their family bonds or as known in the Islamic way as Silatulrahim, the renewal of kinship with one another. This year only the diehard visit their friends and families in the same locality risking being fined for breaking the pandemic curfew. 

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Two more days to go - Ramadan.

 And what have I learned from having fasted for almost a month now? Highly doubtful that it makes me a better Muslim, who am I kidding? A better person? Perhaps, but not to the extent that i would be given wings. Nah, I am still who I am not much change where life is concern except that my one big snag is that I need to have a better car now as my present one is on the brink of a lock down as the engine is smoking like a train as I drive down the road and now i have cars following me at a greater distance than is normal. She is old no doubt and should have been retired to the car heaven sometime ago, but I am in no position to purchase anything beyond one or two thousand much less a car, even a used one. COVID has its silver lining in some ways as I always maintain, the cleaner environment, the lesser vehicles on the the road, the, closer bonding in the family unit, the better survival of the wild life and the slowdown of the big rush of life itself for us humans. For old farts like me this is good, its timely and it makes a whole lot of sense. A few years ago when we moved into this apartment I told myself never to work anymore at least not for anyone, or even earn a living like ordinary folks. I told myself that i am taking a leave of absence from the life out there and focus on the life in here. Little did i imagine that my wishes has been granted in more than one ways, I am now stuck like a hermit in a cave o my own making. Not bad really seeing that i have been able to come to grips with allot of my habits and tendencies and see them for what they are. 

Being a recluse has its advantages as one becomes more in tune with what is than what is out there. There is lesser and lesser thoughts to be entertained when there is less and less relationships to entertain. These days the mind is focused on relationships that truly matters like bonding with my adult children and accepting them and their ways with ope heart and clear conscience. Making sure that they eat well and spend their hard earned income to better themselves healthwise and keeping their psycho-emotional state in a more stable and reliable form. Sharing what is pertinent to life spiritually and socially in a more relaxed and give and take, win win manner which is called by the Buddha called by skillful means. Being a guardian and a friend rather than a father or a parent. Learning even at my old age that i can be wrong and it is okay to be ignorant sometimes as it gives others the chance to be wise for your sake. That it is okay to be needy sometimes as it allows for others to be beneficent and charitable, that it is okay to loose when you see there a whole to be gained through acceptance of losses. Hence here I am, a few days to go, fasting as best i can on this fasting Month of Ramadan.

The essence of the purpose for fasting as I might have mentioned before is to confront and annihilate the egotistical tendencies inherent in us. Yes it is the  clarion call that has been made throughout the ages by practically all spiritual leaders and religious faith. 

"Faqala ana Rabbukumu la- 'ala (79:24). Ego has a big Claim. It wants to be God itself. It claims that It is God. Don't say La illa haillaAllah, I am here! Say. Laillaha illa nafsi, there is not God but my ego. Accept my Lordship. Accept my Divinity. I will not be pleased if you accept someone else." ...from talks by Shaykh Nazim's SaltnatTV.

Ego is full of disloyalty and evil. Don't look for evil elsewhere. why do you look for evil somewhere else when you have its source in you.

The Peophet of Allah (PBUH) has said," Lord, protect me from my ego. Don't leave me even for a blink of an eye."

Azazzil who later was known as Satan was said to be the most devoted worshiper of the Lord, He did not fell from Grace because of any worldly affections but because of His ego in assuming that His devotion to God entitles Him not to bow to Adam

"Ara'aitaka hadha lladhi karamtaa 'alayya." (17:62)

" Look, You created him from clay just now. He hasn't promise to You yet. He hasn't prostrated to You yet, Despite all my worship You have not grant me this respect and instead honored this one and You dressed him with the attribute to be Your Khalifa."

Yes the gist of the matter is that the ego has to go and as someone pointed out, drop the 'E' and go! The fasting month has been quite an experience this time around and I have the feeling that I may see the rewards in some small ways later, just loosing some weights if nothing else or discovering that i do have the chances yet of becoming a good Muslim.

As The End Approahes- Ramadan

Has been a while however it is never too late to listen to Kitaro's "Matsuri" on You Tube while I allow my mind to drift on the COVID19 Saturday Morning. I had just sat facing the panoramic view of the Penang Hills and was blessed with a clear rainbow that from one end to the other arching over the Kek Lok Si Temple with the 60 feet standing Kwan Yin statue that completes the whole picture. Earlier as I was walking towards the stairs where i would sit, I had to free a pigeon from being trapped in a net hanging from the ceiling. The bird was flapping its wings in a desperate attempt to escape from the predicament it was in and as soon as I ripped the net from its foot she took off after dropping a few floors downwards towards the ground. I had not wanted to share the morning initially but simply kept it to myself as the morning's gift from the Universe, or was it from the Goddess of Mercy, Herself, however I decided that good positive feelings should be shared no matter how trivial it may seem as we face all the negativity that is being thrown at us from the world out there. 

One of the reasons for my writing and posting my thoughts and experiences all these years is to share with all those who take the trouble to read these little episodes in my life that otherwise would have simply vanish with time and never to be thought of, lost in memory. What did it felt like to watch a pigeon hanging upside down flapping its wings in a desperate attempt to free itself. I felt fear in the bird and in myself and I felt as though it was meant to be that happen to decide in doing my morning routine than went back to sleep as I almost did. I felt the bond between us as I know that i have been feeding this same bird along with the rest from the neighborhood almost everyday with my leftovers. I felt the nagging in my mind stopped and the migraine and lack of energy and enthusiasm slipped away replaced by a more exuberant state of, "hell yea, it's beautiful morning and good to be awake to watch the sun rise and the birds sing all around me: then as I sat came the rainbow! It was a care package of positive vibes to help pass yet another day in the COVID prison. May all beings in the six realms and ten directions enjoy the day and may all their suffering be lightened.

Love is the key, the essence the net that holds together the 'whole' that we truly are, the wise ones has been saying for eons and yet man creates formless demons to destroy their fellow man all in the name of control. COVID19 is man made, created in a lab for the purpose of mass control. It is an experimental virus that has gone awry, out of control and as a result has spread like wid fire and not even the antidote that was created to maintain as a safe guard over its spread is proving useless; it is like a runway train that is loaded with toxic chemicals running down its track towards a final destructive end. There s no justification for this manifestation of inhumane act of mass destruction of lives except for the greed for power and the ultimate egotistic need to dominate. Only a Godless, soulless regime is capable of such atrocity of mass genocide. I always ask myself ,who stands to profit from this mess we find ourselves in and why are we as a specie with all ur great minds and technology are not able to track down the culprit who set it all in motion. The answer I can come up with to satisfy myself is Dajjal or the Anti Christ and it may sound as far out there by a long sane shot, I cannot see any other schemer of such a grand scale capable of or dare to bring humanity to its knee.

I know most who read this would be skeptical and by right they should as for along time now throughout our human history we have been led by our nose towards the fulfillment of an agenda set about by the our dark side our shadow and this shadow goes by different names as many as God goes by different names and in different guises. Man has been lulled to sleep ever since the battle for the control of our destiny and that of the planet was set between light and darkness, God and Satan, angels and demons. The shedding of human blood all over the world has become a common phenomena as wars continue to claim lives and create havoc and misery. The planet faces one man made disaster  after another making it an added cause for the decadence and eventual demise of species, but most of us are oblivious to what we are manifesting, too busy taking care of number one; self preservation and survival of the fittest, the all mighty ego. 

Thus spoke my paranoid mind for lack of better thoughts to share and this too will pass as they say, the COVID, the wars, the Famine, the environmental degradation, the self mortification, it wiil all pass or I will pass on. However in the meantime the same ol same ol thoguhts will cirurlate and be regurgitate like the drifting of the plastic waste in the world oceans floating and drifting following the currents whereever it flows. What a waste of human potential, human probabilities and abilities, what a waste of good food and good wine and good woment to come to this after all these years of drifting. Time will tell as time will heal and mend a broken spirit and time will take its toll before it forever is lost into oblivion. The fasting month can bring the est and the worse out of a person and there three more days before it is over when we celebrate the Eid Fitri to commemorate the end of the fasting month of Ramadan.

     

"The Color Purple" - Against all odds.

 'The Color Purple" a novel by Alice Walker made into a movie by Steven Spielberg tells of the endurance of two sisters who grew up in the South and were separated by fate and unfortunate events in their lives. Played by Danny Glover and Whoopie Goldberg in the leading roles the movie to me is a classic that encapsulates the spirit of the Colored South. The movie tells of the strength and deep faith that the African American had to keep them struggling to survive while enduring the post slavery age in their history and the history of the Southern States. It exposes the raw deals that the Black families subjected to while crawling out from under the foot stools of the Whites as well as their own family traumas due to ignorance and social pressures. The African Americans has proven that perseverance and resilience in spirit can overcome all odds and adversities no matter how harsh and bitter life can be. Hope is hope no matter how small and bleak it may seem, it was hope that kept Ms.Celie alive and enduring the abuses of her husband,the hope that she would one day see her sister Ms.Nettie and her children again and she would triumph over it all at the end of the day.

"The Color Purple documents the traumas and gradual triumph of Celie, an African American teenager raised in rural isolation in Georgia, as she comes to resist the paralyzing self-concept forced on her by others. Celie narrates her life through painfully honest letters to God."...Britannica.

The story by Alice Walker and co-authored by Oprah Winfrey I feel is a must read for college literature and cultural studies of the post Slavery life the African Americans or the South. It may be a work of fiction, but it has all the ear marks of a cultural history that began at the very root of the family life and expanded into the society at large reflecting a struggle for a cultural heritage that would lay claim in history as a triumph of the human spirit against all odds. It is a story that could be told of by any given society anywhere on this planet. It is a microcosmic drama played out at the most raw and sensitive level of the human emotional and psychological family level to the level of a community as well as into the macrocosmic level of the global level. Notches in the tree of life of the African American history captured on a screen by great minds that pooled together such as Director Steen Spielberg and Producer Quincy Jones and superb actors such as Danny Glover, Whoopie Golberg and Oprah Winfrey, and many others that played major and linor role in this movie to bring it to life a documentary of a piece of human history.

The geniuses who told stories.

 My daughter brought home a few second hand novels from the Sunday market at the Hin Bus Depot where she herself was selling face masks produced by her company: Marimask. I just finished reading the first, The Voyages of Doctor Dolittle by Hugh Lofting published by Yearling. It was a refreshing fast read as it took one on a fantasy adventure that needed not much thinking. The book about a Naturalist, Dr. Dol;ittle, brought back my childhood memories of the children adventure stories that i had read, books like those by Enib Blyton, Mark Twain, Rudyard Kipling and the likes; I was an avid reader at a very early age and my English language subject had won me many awards at the end of the year on Parents' Day. Reading saw me through my teenage years while living on the East Coast in Kuala Terengganu where i was exposed to numerous novels of all kinds thanks to my oldest brother who was also my English teacher at the Sultan Sulaiman Secondary School. He had spent several years in England and upon his return home had brought back with him two large suitcases of novels which he had hidden under his bed as most of these were considered not suitable for an average teenager for their erotic nature. This however only had my curiosity fired up and I stole into thee suitcases and devoured as many of the literature as i could. Hence My English subject improved tremendously only it was not as well appreciated in school  when the English teacher was your older brother.

I was reading the likes of James Michener,s "Hawaii", "Alaska" "Chesapeak" and a few others, or Harold Robbin's, "The Carpet Baggers," and "Tycoon. " Alistair McClean's many great thrillers like,"Ice Station Zebra", "Guns of Navarone", "Where Eagles Dare," most of which were later turned into epic movies with roles played by great actors such as Gregory Peck in the Guns of Navarone and Clint Eastwood in "Where Eagles Dare." I devoured James Clavell's, "Taipan" and "Shogun" within a short time  many other great writers of the time. I had spent hours of my time sitting under the, Flame of the Forest tree in front of my brother's teacher's quarters residence pouring through one novel after another oblivious to the world around me. In between reading my eyes would venture upon the horizon of the South China Sea that was set before me where I was sitting. This was when my mind developed the yearn to set out and venture beyond the horizon to discover what it was like to feel the snow under your feet or the warmth of the desert sand, the streets and sky scrappers of large cities where I had visited in my imagination while reading the novels. There is no doubt in my mind that reading had a great influence on my life and had planted the bug that led me to become footloose and fancy free while travelling the globe in my adult life. 

Reading of books especially novels has become a rarity as today's young adults are more immersed into the attractions of the Internet and various other outlets for entertainment other than the archaic paper backs. They would rather carry an I-pad or mobile phones with endless source of games and videos than lug around a thick novel. Finding a person with nose buried in a book in cafes is a rare sight these days and books are becoming more expensive due to the rise in cost to have them published. However I still love the feel of an old paperback novel in my hand and cherish the smell of the musty worn out pages, nothing like a second hand paperback to keep the mystery of life alive. The fact that book may have been read several others before you or where it has been before ending up in your hands is in itself a mystery. It is sad to say that minor mysteries like these are of no values to the young minds of today, that sense of awe about the ability to conjure up tales and stories that would entertain one in the privacy of one's own imagination is slowly is becoming a thing of the past. 

I feel much fortunate and obligated to those great writers whose works I had the opportunity to read in my younger days as they had fed my imagination and set me up to be able to be who I am today. I still marvel at their abilities to narrate such epic works as by J.R. Tolkien and J.K. Rowling that today has captivated the minds of millions around the world young and adults alike. Names like Tom Clancy and Robert Ludlum, Dan Brown and John Grisham has produced great movies from their novels and I feel most fortunate that in my lifetime I have been able to enjoy their works both as a reader as well as a movie buff. To witness the transformation of their literary works projected on to the silver screen is a marvel that still defies my imagination. If ther is anything to say spiritually I would say this is the result of a collective consciousness triggered by a great if not enlightened mind; these are geniuses of our times.        

   

What fb frienndships means to me.

  Of late I have been receiving many friendship requests from strangers mostly Malays in their middle age and most seem well educated and established in their lives and careers. I accepted quite a few thus far simply out of respect and curtsy lest I be deemed a fb snob. I also accepted these request out of curiosity to discover their story, what they have in mind, expect out me; their intentions. Most thus far are regular polite gentlemen and a few are most probably have the same reasons as I. I am slowly seeing an image of a middle class Malay men who perhaps bored like the rest of us for having to pretty much stay home due to COVID19 and have made the Face Book as well as other Internet links to while their time away. Some are genuinely looking for new friendships but most are out to check out as many characters that captures their curiosity, while many are showing off their place and positions, prowess and accomplishments in the Malay society. For me it is becoming a great cross cultural study and so I am choosing to entertain as many as i can afford to to add to fb collections of strangers who wish to know me. I get to to have a peek at their lifestyle and their personal characters, theri interests and how well informed they are and how well they communicate as middle aged, middle class working Malays.

As son as I have accepted them they would promptly message me to get to know me better, pry into my personal life with personal questions like, still married, how many children, still working? What  nationality exactly, and this they do right off the bat and I feel often like I was being interrogated by a country bumpkin. So I decided to poish up on my poor Malay and the art of communication with total strangers while in some small way try to educate them into observing some etiquette, or decorum when communicating especially with an elderly gentleman like myself. Where or when else do i get a chance to better myself at interpersonal communication especially with the Malay men who are mostly introverts, reserved in nature when talking about themselves to strangers, are very inquisitive about wanting to know about you and they pry almost rudely by Western standing. However i dont think this is done consciously and this is perhaps because of their lack of communicative experience when it comes to online meeting.

I am beginning t enjoy the age factor of being the elder in society which simply put,I dont give a hot what you think of me but mind your manners when you address me cause this age comes with a whole lot of knowledge and experiences both good and ugly and survived. Sometimes I forget what a demon I was and allow for the little petty tyrants of today run my life for me with their petty bullshit of trying to hoodwink the unfortunate and get away with it. However there is the other side of the coin that what a spiritual practice is hinged upon and that is detachment from all that is external in whatever colors shapes and forms; lest i forget. And so I am involved but detached from the involvement - detached involvement, plucking the lotus without getting my fingers wet, For the sake of the well being of the rest of sentient beings in this real of existence i will play the role of the ignorant clown and mingle with the crowd who knows one or two of God's creatures might be enlightened by my idiocy or inadvertently even find the door to liberation from this realm of delusion. 

"If manners maketh man, as someone says,

Then he is the hero of the day,

It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile,

Be yourself no matter what they say."...An Englishman in New York

-Sting. 

What's so great about Fasting?

 The fourteenth day of Ramadan and the cat woke me up with her loud meowing and mattress scratching to get my attention and it did like always. This morning as I struggled to the kitchen I found that her food was not the problem there was plenty left in her bowl and so the second problem was to be let out of the house and I did. Pigeons waiting of the roof for their breakfast and so I took care of that and there was enough for a load of laundry to be be run and so I took care of that. Then there were dishes that were sitting in the sink and the counters with left over food in them, so I took care of that too. While doing all these my head was like it was in a vise being squeezed from all sides but I continued to perform my tasks as a way of healing my body and mind and it worked; this was meditation in action. Headache gone, nasty thoughts gone and I got things done while listening to my cat howling for a mate as she was in her mating mood. It is a sad thing to hear and I blame God and Mother Nature for such cruelty towards animals. I should blame myself really for not getting her a male companion, but it is one of those mornings when things don't swing like you want them to.

Hunger pains brings out your sense of awareness more vividly as you go through the day not being able to eat or drink. No Panadol, no smokes, it makes you feel like you just want to hit the pillows again and not wake up till it is the end of the day when the azan for the maghrib prayer is heard from the State Mosque is heard to tell you that you can break your fast. However one can only sleep so much without creating a new ailment for the body and mind caused by too much laying on the bed. Perhaps it is symptoms of getting up there in age, these aches and pains, moans and groans with ever move one makes, like getting up or sitting down, perhaps it is the foretell of coming states of decadence and breakdown, perhaps it is just being in the seventies club...and your warranty is running out. Yes the fasting month brings out the best and the worse in you and all you have to do is to stay open and receptive to what is being revealed of who you are truly, your strength and weaknesses. 

On the othr hand the fasting month also evokes the consciousness of being compassionate owards others especially those who are in need, the poor and poverty striken. Compassion towards the victims of wars and destruction natural or otherwise and faces starvation due to these factors. Those who are conscientious and caring are more charitable towards their neighbors in need or the beggars they encounter on the street. Loving kindness becomes more readily revealed towards each other more so then it normally would be when one is fasting. When one is able to see the many positive virtues that fasting brings out in us collectively, it indeed makes a whole lot of sense that the fasting month of Ramadan is prescribe as one of the five pillars of Islam.  

He speaks we just don'''t listen.

 As I sat facing the hills lined with white concrete structures stretching before me the skies was blazing with crimson colors from the rising sun,  felt the sense of blissfulness for a short moment when all else dropped even God was absent. I felt the tranquility of being devoid of a single thought, only peace and clarity as though I was the 60 feet tall Kwan Yin, the Goddess of Mercy at the foot of the Kek Lok Si temple as She looks down with Compassion upon the largest Chinese cemetery of Batu Gantung; I listened to the myriads of birds songs welcoming the break of day and witness the changing colors all over the landscape stretching from the Jerejak Island to the Batu Gantung cemetery. The Penang Hills rises into the morning clear blue skies like a green wall fresh from the heavy rains of the past few days. I sat and allowed my mind to tell its stories one after another rising and fading away until there was none left but sound and sight of a new day, somewhere my cat Furby was meowing loud demanding attention and with a Gasho and a bowing before the entire Universe that had oened before i rose reluctantly; and this too will pass.

 Half the month of the month of Ramadan has gone by and my struggles with the Nafs ( ego) within has slowly began to subside for now and I feel like I am making a headway in reclaiming the sense of who I am. I fully realize that I am not giving it my fullest effort in observing all the precepts of the fasting month like a devoted Muslim should, but then again I am not a devout Muslim never was and never claimed to be and this I confess before my Lord and my Lord alone. However I feel His Divine Presence off and on in me and am grateful for His Grace and Blessings and I realize that i am at His mercy and compassion and that nothing, not a thing I say or do that does not come from Him and if you ask me as a Muslim who is my God, I say it He Allah (SHW), ask me as a Hindu I would say He is Brahman, the Supreme and Eternal Essence, if you are Christian I would say He is El Elohim, Adonai or if you be a Jew my Lord is the God of Abraham, Ishmael and Issac and the God of Moses, I call Him Jehovah; being converted to Islam I call my Lord, Allah. I am fasting in obseervation of one of the Mandates of my Lord which to me is a very pure cleansing and healing practice, a purification of my soul. in my effort to cleanse myself from the stains of spiritual transgressions in my life. In my life i have broken just about every precept and moral laws short of cold blooded murder and I have often enough times pointed my middle finger at God; I do have a heavy karmic debt to pay one way or another. 

I know I have a very long ride towards perdition here and in the hereafter for karma to play out itself but I hold on to one hope none the less, that the Al Mighty is compassionate and forgiving even for a damned soul like me and this faith I hold on to without doubt. Now after years of searching for answers and ways out of my self propagated suffering I a beginning to feel some small comfort in seeing the inner light burning again within me.I am catching glimpses perhaps of my liberation from the tangle that i am in all these years that very few really know of. It is like laying down the cross and removing the crown of thorns that i have been carrying and wearing as a symbol of penance and repentance. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and walk a different path instead having driftted into the rut that i had led myself into all out of so much anger at myself and the world.

"Centered in stillness; meeting resistance with acceptance,

reveals and heals the persistence of the concealed." 

A quote I got from a post on Face Book by Jane Parry in a group I recently joined called, "An understanding of the words of the Gurus and sages of our time." as soon as I finished typing the last paragraph! Believe it or not! God speaks and if only we know how to listen.

      

Ramadan Ramblings

 Of late i have been having strange nightmares in my sleep state some were vivid while others though disturbing makes no sense. I decided to simply allow them to happen and not make too much fuss in trying to make sense about them. In my waking state too I am finding that more and more flotsam seems to drift before my mind, it is as though the more deeper  get into my meditative state, as I have been sitting much more regularly and with greater comfort and ease, the more there arise in my consciousness mental formations which often are random and of no significance whatsoever. Past traumas and dramas keeps popping up at the slightest suggestion triggered by just a single thought. The thing of it is, I am more attuned to these ongoings more so than ever before and am getting used to simply wave them hello and farewell almost instantaneously without much effort. Letting go of my attachments albeit physical, mental or emotional is becoming allot more easier and less of a struggle; sitting meditation during the month of Ramadan is proving to be a trip.

One of the reason we are asked to fast in Islam is the fact that fasting puts a choke hold on the ego. The ego is being put to the grind when dealing with hunger and thirst and when dealing with maintaining moral virtues especially restraining from even thinking upon such transgressions as sexual desires, lying and cheating or being simply dishonest with the world. Fasting  during the month of Ramadan is one of the most effective ways of bringing home one's moral and spiritual virtue as a human being. During this holy month even the worse of non believers take a hold of their appetites especially their carnal desires except for those whose agenda is set upon the destruction of the human spirit and these are the proxies of the demonic state doing the bidding of the ungodly their masters who according to the Islamic text are all reigned in and put on lock down in hell for the duration of the fasting month. Hence the Lord has given man a challenge for him to see his strength and weaknesses when all his actions are his own and not due to any influences or possessed by satanic or demonic entities. Man is tested to prove to himself that he can confront and overcome his weaknesses and transgressions of his own making on his own; there is no devil that made me do it.

Stuck between COVID19 and Ramadan, Muslims all ove the world are enjoying life no doubt especially those in the war zones of the Middle East and the African Continent. The Good Lord has His ways and mysterious as it is He likes to put some people and some nations to the test of faith, of suffering in order to wean out all those who are fakes and dires, those who claim to be good Muslims but are in effect having their fingers in the cookie jars hidden behind closed doors and those who truly touch their forehead to the ground while the sword hangs over their heads. I love being a homo sapiens in this day and age and what a world of illusion to live in with each and everyone dancing to their own tune of deception and decadence but hollering out loud over the air five times a day, how great God is. If asked how come we are in such a mess and they answer, it is written, it's the will of God, its destined its our karma; we re but pawn in the Game of Life, like prawns we are destined for the wok at the end of the day.

Most religious belief testifies that we live in a world of illusion, of maya, of make believe and that we are mostly sleep walkers drifting in space and time from one entanglement to another and sometimes stuck forever into one till death do us part. In Hinduism life is also known as Lila or the play (of Gods) and we are each and everyone playing our part while we are on stage. It is of no relevance whether we like or enjoy the roles we play or that we hate so much of being in a role of who we are for the Gods has made it so and it is written in the Book of Loh Mahfuz, the Book of Life. So suck it up and take it like a man this life is not permanent and it will end sooner or later for one and all, a matter of predestined time, when or where only God knows, perhaps just when you got it all figured out and boom!, you are history; Such Is, as the Buddha said. #ramadanramblings,

      

When all else fails - take a nap..

 As always in the past, the fasting month means simply means heavy duty migraine headaches especially upon waking up and wake up early I have as i have no choice for my wake up caller would not give up untill she got her cat food bucket filled. I am blessed even though it comes in a disguise of a pain in the neck cat that insist i get out of bed early and do my daily chores of the hour like sitting and physical exercise, doing the night piled up dishes and getting the laundry running afte feeding the pigions and watering the plants among other things needed to be taken care of. Always start the day off with a good long sitting whether inside or outside of the apartment where the sound of birds helps to clear the cobwebs in one's head. Sitting in meditation helps to realign the physical as well as the mental body and this simply means smoothing out the aches and muscle pains from the sleep as well as bringing the mental chattering to a gradual halt. If this is done often enough the morning part of one's day is something to look forward to despite or thanks to the nagging and demanding kitty cat named Furby.

She thinks that she is a pigion and can fly untll one day she fell twelve floors down to the ground below,. You think she would learn.

 The body goes through a major shakedown or so it seems durig the fasting month and the mind keeps making it harder and harder to make it through the day with all kinds of pokes like why? You are no true believer are you? Are you a good Muslim? Ever been? You don't pray like all good Muslims do, making up your own standards or so it seems, so why fast? Guilt? Fear? To fit in? Nah, don't think so! There is soemthing else that you have come to grips with and you are standing at the edge of making that final leap into the unknown and you choose to call it : complete liberation from all that is. Yes this is how my mind works more or less as I live day to day, like a guinea pig being put in a maze running around lost and scared often times but determined by the day to break free from all that is holding me down from discovering my true nature that which the Buddhas called; the Unborn Buddha Nature. 
So, why do I do it? Why do i fast during the fasting month of Ramadan every year? Good question but no good answers except that I feel it is the right thing to do as far as my spiritual practice goes.It is a very tough act of spiritual discipline not unlike sitting meditation or praying five times a day. In truth I have no answer t many of these questions and as i am abut to leave this realm of existence i am finding that they really of no relevance for my state of consciousness, my ultimate sense of Being-ness. If I have to answer for my transgressions in this life when I die so be it, but I hope in all fairness that I am given the same faculty and state of full consciousness when I face my inquisitors...Insha'Allah.

This is my favorite posture when I am faced with too much mental chatterings and external vexations. I feel safe as safe can be when I take my nap.



  

  

Ode toTwo close Friends Cecil and Ismail.

The collaboration works of poetry and black and white photos between Cecil Rajendra and the late Ismail Hashim entitled, "Scent of an Island," brought me back to the yester-years of Georgetown, the City the I grew up in during my childhood and younger days. This little jewel of a book depicting the works of two of Penang's great men of the arts is a memento given to me by the Author Cecil Rajendra through my daughter who was at a book reading event held at the E&O Hotel recently. 

I have made the acquaintance of both these gentlemen over the years and have a great admiration and respect for both in their lifestyle and accomplishments as creative individuals who had contributed in more than one way towards the artistic growth of the Georgetown community. Their works captures and reflects the City's bygone days of our childhood days as we are of about the same age. If the sense of smell could be added to the pictures and narratives, one could almost feel being lost in space and time. As we take a street by street tour with the poet we are transported into a era where a part of history has been etched in time that today is all but lost. Yes lost to what is deemed as development and progress that is haunting the Island's socio and economic landscaped. Through the eyes of the poet we are being shaken to wake up to the reality that is looming in our horizon of the decadence of our society as politics and money takes the front seat of our legislators and lawmakers.

" We move forward in time 

   backwards in sensitivity.

  these are days of condominiums and calculators.

Days when Brokers play

poker with our destiny.

In our rush to progress

we bulldoze our history...

we consign our best 

to the rubbish heap

of nostalgia and memory."  - Cecil Rajendra, "Scent of an Island."

We are drifting like Ships rudderless in the dark.

 In my last post I quoted from two different sources of spiritual belief and practices. The first was from a Satsang talk that was given by the Teacher Sunyamurti who has a Sangha or retreat somewhere in Costa Rica  while the second was from A Sufi Master who was from Turkey by the name of Ahmed Hulusi whom I was introduced to in the early 90s by my late friend and Teacher Cikgu Yusof Ali. Both these contemporary teachers holds my great respect fot their knowledge and understanding of their relative spiritual teachings. Sunyamurti was more inclined towards Hinduism and Buddhism and perhaps one would even consider him a universal teacher as his knowledge and wisdom encompasses just about every world religious as well as spiritual practices. Hulusi is more of an Islamic scholar who makes a great effort towards upgrading Islamic Faith and teachings to be better understood in the context of modern age. I find both these teachers to be well versed and fluid in delivering their respective teachings and what is more important to me is the fact that both their ways points towards the same destination; both points towards the unity and universality of human faith and spirituality.

On the surface Islam and Hinduism seems worlds apart and impossible to ever be made into a marriage of unity, the merging of differences seems impossible. However after years of studying and practicing each religion to the best of my ability and this including other religions such as Buddhism and Christianity as well as Taoism, I have found the common factor that binds them all together as One. This is the having the belief and faith in a a higher 'Power' or a Greater Source that all religions as well as spiritualists looks up to for assurance and refuge in times of dire need or even as a source of hope for salvation of the human spirit.; call Him/Her by whatever Name you will. It would take the utmost of an incorrigible egotistical mind to deny the existence of a Higher Being that man is answerable to no matter how enlightened he might feel he has become in the course of his lifetime. Man is his capacity as a human being alone is incapable of making sense of all that he experiences or is exposed to in the course of his life, he needs a teacher, a master, a creator to help him to chart out his routes for him of he be lost. Hence it is apparent that almost all the religious and spiritual faith that man is endowed with through out his-story has been the effort to make sense out of the non-sense that he finds himself in.

More than ever today, man needs to come to grips with his role in relationship to the rest of the world if not the universe itself. We need to realize without a doubt of our being, of who we truly are in relative to the rest of our fellow man if not humanity itself and our responsibility towards the care for our our environment, our home and all the sentient beings in it. Today more than ever we find ourselves taking a dump onto the very plate we are eating from and not even thinking twice about our actions. We have become very sick in body mind and soul and most of us are not even aware of how far or near we towards extinguishing our very existence at te single push of a button. We are most of us oblivious to the fact that we are on a death row and our execution date is looming up on the horizon. We have become like zombies straggling along like a herd of cattle headed for the slaughter house led and herded by those who hold the keys to our freedom through exploitation of our mass ignorance, our disbelief in a higher(collective) consciousness as we become veiled through our conditioned state of greed, hate and ignorance.  

In Hinduism we are said to be in the final stages of the Kali Yuga or the age of destruction and similarly in Islam it is said that the planet and all within it is head for the end of time of Khiaamah or as in Bahasa Malasia it is called akhir zaman the end of and so is said in ost other religions such as Christianity and its End of Days and so forth. Much as I would like to debunk these religious perceptions I cannot help but begin to see the manifestations of signs that would usher in these Doomsday revelations and yes I do feel like we are running seriously out of time. The question is is there hope for humanity to ever change its destructive course and embark upon a more positive and humane path that we are created for by the Creator. What would it take for us to wake up from this dream state we are in that headed towards a nightmare that we might never wake up from? Stop saying to ourselves that we are only human or that it is fated or that it is  our destiny; I do not buy that not even from God. 

                    

The First Day of Ramadan. 2021 - COVID Fasting.

 Upadesha saram the essence of the teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi; The Great Yogi, the Maha Yogi is the one whose mind is extinguished, the mind is withdrawn from external objects, completely. The mind that is to be extinguished is the belief that there is an I. When thoroughly investigated the I does not exist Where the thought vanish there appears, by itself the 'I am I', this is Purnam, the infinite,the fullness the absolute. It means I am not the body, nor the mind but the absolute I that cannot be defined except as I and has no other. Does not exist in a world of objects or duality of any kind, that total realization of the self. That is nothing and yet because it's nothing it is also everything but there is no-thing because there is only awareness but that awareness is the absolute and there will be no doubt of it because that sense of I am I  comes with the realization of Sat Chit Ananda the Bliss of luminosity of completeness of perfection. This is who you are... this is always the true import of the term I...as there is no second being to know that which is, that which is is consciousness, we are that. Extinguish the illusion of the ego by creating a mind that is at peace.and that peace will bring clarity and meaning real meaning that I am I and action, action that comes from that perfect consciousness. 

Sunyamurti Satsang on the Eassence of Shri Ramana Maharshi's teachings.

 "Those mind travellers taking this spiritual journey and trying to comprehend this fact will eventually begin to consider themselves to be the only Reality (Haqq). What’s more is that they are plunged into the vortex of unity that they would eventually say ‘I’m God, I do whatever I want and everything is permissible (Mubah) for me’. This is also known as the stage of the Inspired Self, whereby the consciousness receives direct instructions through inspirations concerning its own truth or becomes attached to the whirlpool of the ‘Inspired Self’... If, however, the spiritual wayfarer seeking this fulfilment cannot achieve this realization and ascend to the stage of complete Tranquillity (Mutmainna), then the awareness of Commanding Self (Ammara) takes control of him. After a little while, he begins to feel himself like a Pharaoh endowed with the knowledge of Mulhima (the stage of the Inspired Self), so therefore, he would consider everything as false while he assumes himself as a perfect being with no faults whatsoever. As a result, he would depart the world in such a spiritual state of mind!...

Unless you know the truth of your own self, it is impossible for you to realize the truth of your own Sustainer, because your own self is the veil that screens you from your Sustainer"

Ahmad Hulusi

Today begins the first day of the fasting month of Ramadan and Muslims all over the world will observe this month of abstinence and spiritual discipline. I wish all my brothers and sisters all over the Muslim world the Blessings of Allah in their observation of this Holy of Holy of the Musli month. We are all One at heart and in faith and no matter who or where we are our final destination is back to the One where our source originates and in this no matter how of what our life practice may be it is for us to honor and respect eah other's Ways towards what is Goodness, Love and Compassion for one another. We are each and every one of us a member of humanity and we abide by the same principle in life and that is to serve for the betterment of the specie we call homo sapiens. The rivers are many,but the ocean is One.

The Meaning implied by the name Allah. - Ahmad Hulusi

  It is very well known that according to those who are interested in Sufism, there are four main dimensional realms,(Alam). These are the Universe of Essence, (Alam Al Zat), the Universe of Attributes, (Alam Al Sifat), the Universe of Names,(Alam Al Asma') and the Universe of Actions, (Alam Al Afaal). By realizing the Supreme Truth permeating these Universes a person can certainly liberate him/herself from all suspicions and hence attain ultimate realization through spiritual ascendance (Uruj) and this in return would allow him to know his Truth,(Haqiqat).

We know that the noun 'Allah' is written bu using the Arabic letter starting with the letter ' Alif' which stands single at the beginning while at the same time being free from all the other letters that follows it. Next to the letter 'Alif' are two other letters , the letters 'Lam', which are both connected to each other. The second of these is followed by the letter 'H'. Although it is not visible, there is also another letter, 'Alif' which is invisible between the two last letters. When recited it can function like a short vowel giving the sound of the letter 'A'. ...the first 'Alif' corresponds to the stage of primary'Oneness',(Ahaddiyyat), which signifies the quality of the the One, in other words, the Essence, (Zat) of the one named Allah. The essence cannot be limited in any way whatsoever, or be grasped by any vision, because at the level of the Essence there is absolute freedom which indicates that the Essence is totally independent of all the attributes. In fact it is such a state of NON-EXISTENCE that it cannot be defined or imagine in any way or thought by any means whatsoever. This state is symbolized bythe letter 'Alif' which in exxence is a straight stroke extending vertically from a dot, by standing absolutely independent from all other letters in the writing of the word 'Allah'.

Let us now explain the meaning of the two letters that are tied together in the letter ‘Lam’. The first ‘Lam’ refers to the Universe of Attributes. This means that all that exists comes to life and becomes fully conscious through the qualities and the attributes of this particular dimension. In fact, all universes are made up with the unfoldment of the Divine Names, which is the outcome of the spiritual dimension pointing to the stage of attributes. This is the reason why the first ‘Lam’ or the letter ‘L’ is written adjacent to the second ‘Lam’ or the letter ‘L’ in the Arabic way of writing the word ‘Allah’. Let us now talk about the second ‘Lam’. As can be seen, the letter ‘L’ here is tied to the first ‘Lam’, which simply indicates that the entire existence is made up of the qualities that are inherent within the spiritual station of the Divine Attributes and they subsist in the utmost unity. The Divine Qualities that are present in the level of the Names take their origin from the station of the Divine Attributes. Because of this reason, the second ‘Lam’ can be considered as the repetition of the first one, appearing for the second time as is shown with this demonstrative pronoun. However, this time, it appears with a distinct feature since the meaning and the detail it conveys is not the same. Therefore, it can be said that the second ‘Lam’ takes its origin from the first one, so is not just regarded as a repetition of the first ‘Lam’, but points to a unique stage where innumerable revelations becomes manifest. Therefore, it has been repeated for the second time. Let us now focus our attention on the letter ‘H’. Whether it has been written as a circle figure tied to the second ‘Lam’, which is how it has been written for ages, or it appears in a squared shape as used in Qufi calligraphy in early days of Islam, the letter ‘H’ simply signifies the following. It represents the Universe of Actions exhibiting all the Divine Qualities, which has no beginning or an end; it is nothing other than continuous transformation emanating from the Universe of Attributes and Names. In other words, the letter refers to the myriad of universes in universes and everything that has been perceived in them! In Qufi calligraphy, the letter ‘H’ has two types of shapes. It has either two eyes or two dots on top. This shows that the Universe of Actions can be considered from two perspectives, either as a visible world or an invisible world, depending on the level of the observer and how it is being perceived. The letter ‘H’ is tied to the second ‘Lam’, because the Universe of Actions has no independent existence from the Universe of Names and the Universe of Attributes. What’s more is that the Universe of Actions exists with the qualities emanating from the dimension of Attributes and Names from which it is originated itself. Meanwhile, there is a hidden ‘Alif’ between the second ‘Lam’ and the letter ‘H’. However, its existence is pronounced every time it is being recited. This shows that the Universe of Actions exists with the Will of the Divine Essence, which is within the knowledge (ilm) of Allah Almighty and this continues without any interruption by subsisting in total unity through His Names and Attributes. There is no doubt that people who have attained this truth will certainly realize what we have communicated from the masters of spiritual discovery more comprehensively. This would not only enable them to evaluate what the name ‘Allah’ refers to in a better way, they would also notice why this name has been chosen as the most suitable name. I hope that the information we have presented above, which had already been acquired by many people through their spiritual self discoveries will help us to understand the delicacy of the name of ‘Allah’ in a better way, so that we can use this word in an appropriate manner in the future.

Mind is a drama queen! Yoy have to let it play itself out...

 Search for words all I can but never finding the right words  of how I feel sometimes sure and sometimes merely drifting. I feel the breath of my Lord touching me in my heart giving the will stay alive after yet another 'mild stroke' or as th doctor called it, hypertension attack and almost passed out totally from consciousness. Without going into the how and where, I did thought I was dying watching my last breath drift away from my body and I prayed to my Lord for forgiveness and surrendered my self. My daughter called on the phone and I was brought back to reality of the physical form of mind and body. I had to get up and drive home. I made it home with no difficulty fortunately and with no one to the wise as to what had happened to me a while before. Sometimes I feel like Mr. Sanford of Sanford and Son old black and white series in the US. Mr.  Sanford would clutch his chest and reach towards heaven for his wife calling for his late wife Elizabeth, "I am coming Elizabeth! This it, the Big One!" but it never came. Fred Sanford survived every major heart attack and with his son build a junkyard empire of Sanford and Son.

I found for me surrendering to the inevitable is the final act of worship; surrendering to the Will of the Lord, to His Infinite Mercy and Compassion has made it simpler to face my final big one as step by step, breath by breath I merge myself into the unknown, the final breath never came, not so far Insha'Allah, God willing. I am not pure enough to return to my Maker, still existing in limbo between this and that shore, drifting into senseless oblivion in purgatory, waiting to be reassign into the next round of life,death and rebirth.However this too is yet another illusion, perceptions of a deluded mind. There is nothing to be written about what is after death will there be life after death.How would it all play out and what of heaven and hell? Judgement Day and reward or retribution? Even the most pious of man carries the same thought in his mind regardless of how strong his or her faith is in the One True Source; our ego centric nature will not allow it to happen. To merge into the ocean of consciousness, like a river into the sea, is a suicide of the ego. To return to the formless, dreamless, state of the unconscious would be like embracing emptiness.Too deep to ponder for an average mind this spiritual concept of non duality, the merging of differences in unity. 

I feel it is getting harder and harder to end this postings that I have kept on doing for over a decade now and all in the name of self healing and soul searching, the quest to meet my true nature, who I truly am. I feel like the closin chapter is at hand and whatever I try to share feels unimportant, they seem like stories, mini series, episodes of a lifetime. It was started with good intentions, wanting to develop my writing skills for lack of better things to do and that was back sometime in 2005 when my close friend Fadzly Mubin in Kuala Terengganu set up my Blog for me. Yes i wanted to write, felt like writing to notes to myself might lead me somewhere on this road to find out and now I am stilll tapping away at the keyboard writing down my thoughts and feelings out in the open was fascinating too. thoughts, thus i have been writing. I started off with the attitude that i will write just the way I speak, nothing fancy and now i am writing about death and heaven and hell!  About Chilli source and soya source that source the binds it all! I do feel like a schizo sometimes trying to stay on track and in balance, its like walking the tight rope while carrying two bucket of crap hanging from across your shoulder. Any sudden shift and shit hits the fan!

There is not much left to say that is worthwhile except for the fact that I feel like the time is near for a major shift in my life, for better or for worse only the Lord knows. Truth be told I have become attached to making these postings and it has become yet another addiction, and there is nothing left t say that have not already been told, try reading my blog between the lines; what I have not written. I feel that I would only lead me into regression on my ongoing personal journey,  I am making my spiritual cleansing of the heart and soul in surrendering to That which Is, beyond form and timeless Divine nature of the Lord of the Universe, the Lord of Power, the Lord of Infinite Love and Compassion; how do i get to put down in words these thoughts that demands to be heard and shared by those that stumble upon these words by chance and pick a diamond in the rough out of a dung heap or two that could alter their lives for the better or worse. These notes to myself helps me to keep my sense of humor and my fingers alive that words may flow from my mind effortlessly so as to justify that i hae fulfilled my vow to share my journey with the world so that NETFLIX  can make a mini series out of it... like the Life and Times of the Cheeseburger Buddha.