Search for words all I can but never finding the right words of how I feel sometimes sure and sometimes merely drifting. I feel the breath of my Lord touching me in my heart giving the will stay alive after yet another 'mild stroke' or as th doctor called it, hypertension attack and almost passed out totally from consciousness. Without going into the how and where, I did thought I was dying watching my last breath drift away from my body and I prayed to my Lord for forgiveness and surrendered my self. My daughter called on the phone and I was brought back to reality of the physical form of mind and body. I had to get up and drive home. I made it home with no difficulty fortunately and with no one to the wise as to what had happened to me a while before. Sometimes I feel like Mr. Sanford of Sanford and Son old black and white series in the US. Mr. Sanford would clutch his chest and reach towards heaven for his wife calling for his late wife Elizabeth, "I am coming Elizabeth! This it, the Big One!" but it never came. Fred Sanford survived every major heart attack and with his son build a junkyard empire of Sanford and Son.
I found for me surrendering to the inevitable is the final act of worship; surrendering to the Will of the Lord, to His Infinite Mercy and Compassion has made it simpler to face my final big one as step by step, breath by breath I merge myself into the unknown, the final breath never came, not so far Insha'Allah, God willing. I am not pure enough to return to my Maker, still existing in limbo between this and that shore, drifting into senseless oblivion in purgatory, waiting to be reassign into the next round of life,death and rebirth.However this too is yet another illusion, perceptions of a deluded mind. There is nothing to be written about what is after death will there be life after death.How would it all play out and what of heaven and hell? Judgement Day and reward or retribution? Even the most pious of man carries the same thought in his mind regardless of how strong his or her faith is in the One True Source; our ego centric nature will not allow it to happen. To merge into the ocean of consciousness, like a river into the sea, is a suicide of the ego. To return to the formless, dreamless, state of the unconscious would be like embracing emptiness.Too deep to ponder for an average mind this spiritual concept of non duality, the merging of differences in unity.
I feel it is getting harder and harder to end this postings that I have kept on doing for over a decade now and all in the name of self healing and soul searching, the quest to meet my true nature, who I truly am. I feel like the closin chapter is at hand and whatever I try to share feels unimportant, they seem like stories, mini series, episodes of a lifetime. It was started with good intentions, wanting to develop my writing skills for lack of better things to do and that was back sometime in 2005 when my close friend Fadzly Mubin in Kuala Terengganu set up my Blog for me. Yes i wanted to write, felt like writing to notes to myself might lead me somewhere on this road to find out and now I am stilll tapping away at the keyboard writing down my thoughts and feelings out in the open was fascinating too. thoughts, thus i have been writing. I started off with the attitude that i will write just the way I speak, nothing fancy and now i am writing about death and heaven and hell! About Chilli source and soya source that source the binds it all! I do feel like a schizo sometimes trying to stay on track and in balance, its like walking the tight rope while carrying two bucket of crap hanging from across your shoulder. Any sudden shift and shit hits the fan!
There is not much left to say that is worthwhile except for the fact that I feel like the time is near for a major shift in my life, for better or for worse only the Lord knows. Truth be told I have become attached to making these postings and it has become yet another addiction, and there is nothing left t say that have not already been told, try reading my blog between the lines; what I have not written. I feel that I would only lead me into regression on my ongoing personal journey, I am making my spiritual cleansing of the heart and soul in surrendering to That which Is, beyond form and timeless Divine nature of the Lord of the Universe, the Lord of Power, the Lord of Infinite Love and Compassion; how do i get to put down in words these thoughts that demands to be heard and shared by those that stumble upon these words by chance and pick a diamond in the rough out of a dung heap or two that could alter their lives for the better or worse. These notes to myself helps me to keep my sense of humor and my fingers alive that words may flow from my mind effortlessly so as to justify that i hae fulfilled my vow to share my journey with the world so that NETFLIX can make a mini series out of it... like the Life and Times of the Cheeseburger Buddha.