And what have I learned from having fasted for almost a month now? Highly doubtful that it makes me a better Muslim, who am I kidding? A better person? Perhaps, but not to the extent that i would be given wings. Nah, I am still who I am not much change where life is concern except that my one big snag is that I need to have a better car now as my present one is on the brink of a lock down as the engine is smoking like a train as I drive down the road and now i have cars following me at a greater distance than is normal. She is old no doubt and should have been retired to the car heaven sometime ago, but I am in no position to purchase anything beyond one or two thousand much less a car, even a used one. COVID has its silver lining in some ways as I always maintain, the cleaner environment, the lesser vehicles on the the road, the, closer bonding in the family unit, the better survival of the wild life and the slowdown of the big rush of life itself for us humans. For old farts like me this is good, its timely and it makes a whole lot of sense. A few years ago when we moved into this apartment I told myself never to work anymore at least not for anyone, or even earn a living like ordinary folks. I told myself that i am taking a leave of absence from the life out there and focus on the life in here. Little did i imagine that my wishes has been granted in more than one ways, I am now stuck like a hermit in a cave o my own making. Not bad really seeing that i have been able to come to grips with allot of my habits and tendencies and see them for what they are.
Being a recluse has its advantages as one becomes more in tune with what is than what is out there. There is lesser and lesser thoughts to be entertained when there is less and less relationships to entertain. These days the mind is focused on relationships that truly matters like bonding with my adult children and accepting them and their ways with ope heart and clear conscience. Making sure that they eat well and spend their hard earned income to better themselves healthwise and keeping their psycho-emotional state in a more stable and reliable form. Sharing what is pertinent to life spiritually and socially in a more relaxed and give and take, win win manner which is called by the Buddha called by skillful means. Being a guardian and a friend rather than a father or a parent. Learning even at my old age that i can be wrong and it is okay to be ignorant sometimes as it gives others the chance to be wise for your sake. That it is okay to be needy sometimes as it allows for others to be beneficent and charitable, that it is okay to loose when you see there a whole to be gained through acceptance of losses. Hence here I am, a few days to go, fasting as best i can on this fasting Month of Ramadan.
The essence of the purpose for fasting as I might have mentioned before is to confront and annihilate the egotistical tendencies inherent in us. Yes it is the clarion call that has been made throughout the ages by practically all spiritual leaders and religious faith.
"Faqala ana Rabbukumu la- 'ala (79:24). Ego has a big Claim. It wants to be God itself. It claims that It is God. Don't say La illa haillaAllah, I am here! Say. Laillaha illa nafsi, there is not God but my ego. Accept my Lordship. Accept my Divinity. I will not be pleased if you accept someone else." ...from talks by Shaykh Nazim's SaltnatTV.
Ego is full of disloyalty and evil. Don't look for evil elsewhere. why do you look for evil somewhere else when you have its source in you.
The Peophet of Allah (PBUH) has said," Lord, protect me from my ego. Don't leave me even for a blink of an eye."
Azazzil who later was known as Satan was said to be the most devoted worshiper of the Lord, He did not fell from Grace because of any worldly affections but because of His ego in assuming that His devotion to God entitles Him not to bow to Adam
"Ara'aitaka hadha lladhi karamtaa 'alayya." (17:62)
" Look, You created him from clay just now. He hasn't promise to You yet. He hasn't prostrated to You yet, Despite all my worship You have not grant me this respect and instead honored this one and You dressed him with the attribute to be Your Khalifa."
Yes the gist of the matter is that the ego has to go and as someone pointed out, drop the 'E' and go! The fasting month has been quite an experience this time around and I have the feeling that I may see the rewards in some small ways later, just loosing some weights if nothing else or discovering that i do have the chances yet of becoming a good Muslim.
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