I keep telling the same tales so much so that I am beginning to believe myself.

 AdvaitaVedanta teachings are a road map towards discovering who you truly are especially when you feel lost while looking for yourself. I have been snooping off and on into this spiritual school of Vedic origins, however have never really made any serious study perhaps due to religious prejudices. I have always considered myself being a Muslim afte being converted to Islam when I was twelve years old. I have lived among Muslim relatives and friends most of my life and exposed to Islamic tenets and virtues that most of all forbids the worship of idols and Hinduism is littered with idols of deities and gods. I officially became a Muslim when I moved to the East Coast to join my parents and siblings after having been living with my uncle and relatives in Penang, (on the West coast). My uncle who adopted me since birth was a Buddhist and had insisted that I too be raised as a Buddhist. Hence for twelve years of my childhood days I was a Buddhist living among the rest of my aunt and uncles who were Muslims. My uncle was the only one in the house who remained a Buddhist having refused to convert to Islam. I was raised actually in a dual religious environment. 

Even as a child it was not easy to reconcile with the fact that I was a religious freak who worshiped two 'Gods' and the Muslim in me was just as strong as the Buddhist at the age of five or six when I was made to attend the Buddhist Pali classes at the every week end at a Buddhist temple close to our home. The Mahindrama Buddhist temple is considered one of the oldest if not the oldest Hinayana Buddhist temple in the country and in it my grandfather was responsible for all the art works of sculptures and wall murals. He was specially brought from Sri Lanka and employed to do this along with some help and assistants and he also brought his younger brother with him. Before he became a Muslim marrying my Grandmother in Deli, Sumatra, Indonesia (A district near Medan), my grandfather's name was Paul Mariano. He was fair skinned and had an almost Eurpean look about him; he was a Singhalese from Sri Lanka which in his days was called Ceylon by the British, My grand father was an artist who after having completed his task at the Budhhist temple had decided to join a stage troupe called the ' Kumpulan Bangsawan,'(Malay Opera), in the local Indonesian and Malay language. He was in charge of the props and back ground paintings.

The Bangsawan Theater gained strong support in Indonesia especially on the Island of Sumatra and later in Malaya, (Malaysia). As children growing up in Penang one of our favorite pastime was listening to the Bangsawan Di-Udara or Bangsawan on the air. When the time came we young and old alike would be glued to the radio to catch the latest episode of Panji Semerang series from performances by the local Bangsawan artists on radio. To me it was a source of inspiration and imagination and I would become one of the main characters in my dreams with names like Raden Inu Ketrtapati, and Raden Panji Semerang, names that were exotic and mysterious to my childhood memory yet they stuck in my mind till this day. The Bangsawan theater was performed originally for the benefit of the Royal household's entertainment in the different states in Indonesia and Malaya; Bangsawan means the royal folks and their entourage.

It was through being a part of the Bangsawan Troupe as a lead artist that my grandfather became friends with the Sultan in Medan; their mutual favorite pastime was drinking. My grandfather being a non Muslim was able to drink with the Sultan without the ruler feeling self conscious for being a Muslim. And this went on until sometime in 1945-46, the then President Soekarno came into power and with his Partai Komunis Indonesia,(PKI) decided to end all Indonesian Sultanate with a pogrom of all the royal bloods. It was then that the Sultan decided to marry one of his cousins to my grandfather and sent them in exile to the neighboring country of Pulau Pinang or Penang, Malaya. My mother the eldest of the three children was born in Summatra, possibly Medan or Deli. She was most beautiful and fair skinned and was well cared for by the royal household before the escape to Penang. Even while living as refugees in Penang my grand mother would be visited annually by ladies from  Indonesia bearing gifts of jewelry and batik sarongs. Their where about was kept a secret and was under the watchful eye of the Penang Special Branch who were made aware of their identities and the threats to their lives. Hence we found grandma's house sitting in the middle of nowhere amidst a mangrove swamp where the tidal floods would bring about garbage from all over an left them at the doorsteps. My grandma's house was located in Sungai Pinang, Kampung Selut. 

Anyway to make a short story even longer, the reason I was not more into the teachings of Shankaracharia on Atma Bodha was because of these childhood background that instilled into my mind that Islam is my religion as it is my Grand parents and parent's relgion and as such I became paranoid when it comes to images depicting gods and deities. it was in later years in my life that I began exploring other religions especially when I was in college in the the United States. I will have to admit that spirituality came to me while in the Midwest of the United states after my total breakdown as a human being; I was living a hedonistic lifestyle after my divorce and loosing my son in my first marriage. It was during the nadir of my life that I found the doors of spirituality opened to me. it was then that I started delving into the nature of all the religious schools found on the planet. Hinduism was still left in the back burner except in the form of the study of Yoga. I latched on to Buddhism especially Zen Buddhism which I found most alluring in its cut and dry approach towards spirituality. I felt a sense of freedom from religious inhibition like I was while living in my own country where Islam held me in its religious and cultural grid lock. The prejudices and accusations thrown at me while growing up from childhood through my teen years hung around my neck like and dead albatross where Islam was concern and later the same happened to my children when they arrived in the country via the East Coast. The treatment my children received form the Malay Muslim children while they were in school was something that akes me want to puke with anger every time I think of it. So Islam held no strong sway over me as a faith when I was younger. Now off course I have realized that it was not the religion itself that bugged me, it was the environment and circumstances I was thrown into that kept my mind from accepting the religion.

 

     

I Am That...Am I? - Sat Chit Ananda

  And this morning seems not like any other morning as i had a harder time slipping into my routine and even got mad at the cat while doing it - so now after taking care as best i could the minor chores, I decided to listen to Hans Zimmer's "Last Samurai" theme full blast with ear phones. A form mental distortion or shift when it all seems overwhelming; a poor substitute for meditation. Oh I know it all sounds like an intellectual crap of saying something like I am fucked and things are not getting any better ...or so it seems. A Message from Green Bay Wisconsin, Jerry Sule wants to know if I am still alive and it helps to open up this can of worms that has been festering in me from different angles and in all forms but could not fine any outlet to regurgitate. And the music roars in my head filling it up with rumblings amidst the melancholic waves of sadness that depicted the end of a culture - The Last Samurai. 

I have been giving sometime focusing my mind on the study of Sri Shankcharia's works on "Atma Bodha' or Self Knowledge which I find is like a ray of light upon my groping in the dark all these years trying t make sense out of all the non-sense of my spiritual being. I feel like I have finally found the path towards my final destination of my self-liberation. However it will still be a long course of study and practice in order that I can absorb and assimilate the Advaita Vedanta teachings into my daily routine...and the complete and perfect knowledge will clear the ignorance from my mind and erase the cause of suffering. This has always been my goal from the beginning some decades ago when I first was confronted with the question of my own true nature - Who am I? Ever since I was awakened to this quest to learn the truth about myself I have had to face all kinds of conundrum such as which God should I worship or am I strong enough to take on the austerities and precepts set by some of the teachings, am I worthy of calling myself an awakened soul or an enlightened being while still trapped in this realm of Maya in this physical form while attached still to old habits and mental and spiritual weaknesses? Am I capable of recognizing the truth when it stands in my face before me and what do I expect of this when it happens, or it already happened only I have failed to awakened to it... have you ever listened to the Shakuhachi being played by a master? - it screams from the heart pure and clean, the sound.

The shakuhachi is a traditional Japanese flute generally made of bamboo and consisting of five holes. ... The shakuhachi originally entered Japan from China during China's Tang dynasty of the 6th century as a 6-holed flute. By the 10th century, the instrument had become unique to Japan.

 Talk about a change of subject! I felt I was drifting into a topic that I am still grappling with and have no idea of how near or far I am from getting to the heart of the matter; I am still doubtful. I still have reservations about making a solid commitment towards accepting the truth as expounded in the teachings Advaita Vedanta of Sri Shankaracharya on the subject of Atma Bodha or self knowledge. This teachings from the ancient Vedic texts cuts through all that I have come to know about my true nature and laid it bare with a divine twist of the dictum; Tat tvam asi or That I am...something like that; I Am Brahman! It's like declaring I am God or Allah (incarnate) or that my essence is God or that which I truly am is the Divine that has manifested all that is, that was and that will ever be...I am That, I am. What seems blasphemous to most religions especially the monotheistic religions of Abraham and Moses, of Jesus and Mohammad of which I am related to in some way through conversion and later faith. I believe as it is said, this is where I take my leap of faith and make my choice, to be or not to be. Who or what is Atma- Brahman?

They have an immortal essence that lives on, even after death. Now, Brahman can be best described as the cosmic soul. It's the divine Universe, the Ultimate Reality of the cosmos. Brahman is pure Consciousness. ... So when we say, “Atman is Brahman,” we're saying that the individual soul is the same as the universal soul. Wikipedia.

It has taken me almost a lifetime to come to this state of being or consciousness in who I truly am and it really is nothing special even if I truly can assume my image of myself as such a Divine Being, like it is not that I am aiming to rule the world much less the universe and I am still having migraine headaches and angina attacks with now rapidly developing shortness of breath; I am as human as I ever can be even if I assume myself to become the Atma-Brahman is truth. It is like experiencing a Satori, or catching a glimpse of the reality of what lies beyond the veil of of my ignorance. At my age of 72 nothing really can shake the foundation of my existence except perhaps death when it occurs and this is I am preparing for as I wish that Iwill die fully conscious of the experience while is is happening...Insha'Allah, God willing. I love God in whatever form or name He/She is called and it is not out of fear for al the wrongs I have done in my life but simply because, to me there is and has to be higher Being or state of consciousness than my self and i believe that this Being holds the key to answers to all my questions and my doubts. There is no complete answers out there and no matter how much knowledge and experiences I can gather there will never be a complete and profound answer and perhaps there never really is, but the likes of the Buddha, The Christ and many great Saints and Sages have succeeded to crack the impenetrable veil of ignorance to expose what lies beyond and it would be an insult to them for me to accept any less of an answer for myself. I would rather end up in hell for claiming my divinity in nature than for my transgressions while stuck being a slave to my ignorance. If truth be told, I would not choose heaven or hell when I die, but I would rather return to That which is my Original Nature.  

"I want to be free to bring my love to everyone. And I think you should feel the same way. I think you should be open to all teachers and all teachings and listen with your heart." ...Ram Dass.  #ramdass,#buddha,#Christ, #allah, #atmabrahman, #atmabodha, #advaitavedanta #hanszimmer, #tattvamasi, #satori  

Notes to myself.

 

Relevant notes for teaching of Atma Bodha or self knowledge             

Pancha Koshas = The Five states.

You can visualize the five koshas surrounding the soul as the layers of an onion or a matryoshka — the wooden Russian nesting doll that contains smaller and smaller versions of itself.

Working with the koshas may allow you to go deeply into the center of your self or soul. This can help you take your spiritual practice to the next level and make positive changes in your self, your life, and the world around you.

An awareness of the physical and mental koshas is the starting point for you to become aware of the deeper layers within.

Annamaya

The annamaya kosha is the physical sheath that composes the outer layer. It’s sometimes referred to as the food sheath.

Your body weight or size can reflect your physical sheath, as well as any physical ailments or concerns you have. You can also pay attention to how your body reacts to different types of food.

Pranamaya

The pranamaya kosha is the vital energy, breath, or life force sheath. In Sanskrit, the word “prana” refers to life force and is the word for breath.

Awareness of this kosha allows you to move stagnant energy, so you can experience greater vitality and an energetic connection to yourself, others, and nature.

Manomaya

The manomaya kosha is contained within the annamaya and pranamaya koshas. It acts as a messenger, bringing experiences and sensations from the outer world into your intuitive body.

This is the mental sheath that represents your:

• mind
• emotions
• inner world

This layer includes thought forms, mental activity, and awareness of thoughts. Getting in touch with this kosha involves looking at your perceptions and mental patterns.

Vijnanamaya

The vijnanamaya kosha is the astral or psychic body that’s your seat of intuition.

Known as the awareness or wisdom sheath, it allows you to develop a deeper awareness and to see reality for what it is. Thought of as “the mind beyond the mind,” this kosha is connected to your deeper and more subtle layers of thoughts.

The vijnanamaya kosha helps develop clarity and inner reflection as you learn to detach from your thoughts, ego, or sense of self. By remaining the witness, you may learn to become more present and aware of each moment.

Anandamaya

The anandamaya kosha is referred to as the bliss body. It’s the deepest and subtlest of all layers — so much so that some people even say you can’t use words to describe it. Instead, it must be felt and experienced.

Developing your anandamaya kosha requires the discipline to complete inner work and spiritual practices over a long period.

This level of consciousness relates to the essence of your true self or nature, which is perfection.

Transcending all five sheaths can lead to a state of samadhi, or unity between individual and universal consciousness. This is said to be pure bliss or joy.

While you may not reach samadhi, you may experience glimpses or moments of bliss that are bright enough to color your world and awaken these feelings of joy, even if only for brief moments. _ healthline. 

Knowledge removes suffering.

 

Atma Bodha a complete teaching on 'Self Discovery' by Sri Shankaracharya some 1200 years ago based on the ancient wisdom of the Advaita Vedanta school of the Vedas is what I have been chewing on of late. This is like putting the cart before the horse in my effort to study the way of self realization; I should have met with Shankara's way in the early stages of my journey, it would have made it a whole lot easier and sensible. However it is better late than never and this is also a lesson in prejudice when it comes to the acquisition of knowledge and spiritual truths. I avoided taking the route of Hinduism when it came to acquiring wisdom and knowledge about any spiritual understanding. Perhaps it is a part of growing up in a multi- cultural and religious society where Hinduism is still a religion that is not so well accepted due to its 'too many Gods and weird images', nature. Growing up being converted from Buddhism to Islam had its impact upon my spiritual psyche and I never confronted it until in my later adult life. I still remember in my childhood years like most Muslim kids, I would shy away from Hindu and Chinese temples  out of fear and prejudice or today I would say out of ignorance. The images of the gods and deities scattered in and about these temples were scary for us as were the sounds and smells when one is in their vicinity. However in average I was among the most liberal and less paranoid about this as I was exposed allot more than most of my childhood peers having grown up among the Chinese and Hindu friends. Twelve years of being raised a Buddhist also afforded me the ability to absorbs my surroundings at temples better than an average Muslim Malay kid.

The real in- depth teachings of Hinduism and Buddhism, that which transcends the images, or the essence of the teachings came to me while I was living in the United States. It was during my years in college that I was exposed to the Eastern Religions and philosophies of Hinduism, Taoism and Buddhism among other religions and this includes Islam. One of the classes that i had was "Comparative Religions," and I enjoyed it very much as my professor, Elmer Havens, was also most friendly.if not fatherly to me. It was while taking this classes that I came to accept that my interest in studies is not just in the Fine Arts but perhaps more so in the Religious and Philosophy school or of spiritual and  existential thoughts department. I was re-introduced to various schools and teachers in the 'old traditions' that I had taken for granted or totally neglected to pay any attention to, in Hinduism, Taoism and Buddhism and even became more attuned to Islam in the form of Sufism. It was while in college that my spiritual interest and quest took on a more serious course in my life. It was then that I came upon books and writings that helped to open up my perceptions and understanding of the scary images of other religions in my childhood days. 

"  Beginningless, indescribable ignorance is said to be the causal body.Distinct from the three bodies.(including mental and physical,) is your inner self, Atma, which you should discern."  - verse 13, Atma Bodha by Shankracarya. 

Who or what is suffering from this COVID symptoms when the virus attacks? The body, the mind, the energy source, but are you affected if you are not really any of these? This is the discernment that is crucial for one to understand according to Shankara in his elucidation of the Atma Bodha Vicara...

Vichāra^[1] means deliberation; It is the faculty of discrimination that discerns the Real, (Brahman), from the unreal. .

The cause of suffering is ignorance, ignorance of the true nature of the Self, the 'Real' you, the Atman. The all pervasive, all encompassing  formless unborn Buddha Nature or state of Absolute Consciousness. You are not the body, nor are you the mind or the energy that course through your body. This is who you truly are according to the Hinduism and Shankara was able to discern this claim in detail to completion for our understanding, at least for those who have been chosen to heed the call for the ultimate liberation from suffering in this life. Most of humanity has never heard of such a name much less of what the ancient sage had set about to accomplish for the benefit of mankind and thus we live out our lives in ignorance and face unnecessary states of disease, pain and suffering. As human most of us are groping in the dark seeking for answers that eludes us about our inherent nature, our true being beyond mind and body, flesh and blood and thoughts and emotions. Lost in this this physical realm we adapt our selves towards personal survival amidst all the challenges that we believe that we are confronted by; we strive towards taking care of number one. It is due to this illusion that we a trapped into becoming slaves to our existence rather than divine beings manifesting our own divinity into the universe. It is in not having a thorough understanding who we truly are is why we suffer. #atmabodha, #shankarcharya, #atman, #brahman, hinduism, #buddhism, #islam, #selfdiscovery 

  

The choice is we either become demonic or we choose the divine...

As I sat meditating over the what and why of my thoughts and feelings over the whole pandemic situation, I came to realize that my soul is in pain as I ponder upon the state of humanity and the environment is in today. I feel the decadent in my health somehow closely connected to how the Planet itself is feeling from so much corruption and pollution mostly the result of man's propensity towards greed and self aggrandizement. I carry the guilt deep within me so much so that my heart aches and as I told my daughter a few days ago, it will be the cause of my death. It is my sin that I am responsible for the cause of this destruction of nature and the gradual extinction of its numerous species, I am responsible for I have contributed towards the cause and am not able to remedy the situation that is now flung way out of hand. It breaks my heart beyond words and sits like a numbness of having a stake piercing my heart for many years of my life now; I found out that it is called angina among other names but to me it is a manifestation of how I feel about my life in general and the state of humanity and the planet in particular. It is a painful feeling while at the same time there is no hope for a reprieve or so it seems.

It seems as though the Planet itself is suffering of old age and decadence manifesting itself in so much destruction both natural and man made. How to help reverse the situation? How to reboot or jump start a healing process even if things seems way out of hand?  Is there a remedy that can be utilize to help with a vigorous healing process before things becomes irreversible and the answer is ironically in the Pandemic that is tearing at the very fabric of humanity a whole. The Pandemic has acted as a hand brake that has forced the momentum of human so called development to a grinding halt. It perhaps may not solve the over population issue where the balance for a sustainable existence is concern but it has very much slowed down the pollution causing industries especially in the travel sectors; we see less planes in the skies and more on the ground where they belong. We see less luxurious vessels prying the oceans and less vehicles on the roads and this simply means less pollution where carbon fuels is concern. We see less desecration of the wilderness especially during the holidays and wildlife is left pretty much alone to proliferate with the absence of human activities.

What is most disturbing to me to witness is the desecration of the oceans around the world; it is scary to say the least. Plastic is a curse and a blessing where human ingenuity and creative capability is concern. The mountains of plastic waste on land and in many rivers  and the seas itself is phenomenal and it keeps on growing like there is no end to it. The damage that is done to the environment is like the presence of cancerous cells in the human body, not only choking up rivers but killing wildlife on land and in the sea as well. There will never be a moratorium on the production of plastics as too many industries are involved in its manufacturing, however there will come a tipping point that will force governments to impose the restrictions on plastic productions and find ways and means of proper and safe disposal of plastic waste. It cannot be emphasize enough on the issue of plastic pollution as it is as bad if not worse than the COVID pandemic itself. Humanity cannot afford to live in denial of this dilemma that is glaring at us with a dire long term threat for the Planet as a whole.  

If half the expenses spent on the existing wars all over the world, big or small is being channeled towards solving the various environmental issues, we could stand a chance of making an impact on the healing process of our planet. No sense in going into the details as it is an open secret as to how much of the world's economy is budgeted towards the military structure and all in the name of defense and security. Political expediency in running a clean and un-corrupted governance of a nation is becoming a rare commodity among most developing countries and politicians are in for the money rather than keeping the vows of office to uphold the well being of their constituencies. Greed and lust for power has become the norm for the ruling elite who cling to their office and status for the sake of self serving their own needs. Taking advantage of the ever growing sense of herd mentality and the surrender of the will to cry for justice and freedom from among the masses, politicians has become parasites preying upon its host not unlike the very virus that is threatening to unravel the very fabric of the society itself. Fear has become an instrument of choice especially the fear of becoming a victim of the pandemic and this fear has now become endemic in the psyche of most common folks who are the easy target for any political herd gathering. The intellects the, pedagogues, the well educated heads of offices has been hiding their heads in the sand for fear of making any controversial remarks that might jeopardize their their status and hence their bread and butter; it's is simply cold wisdom of self preservation.

One could rattle on and on as to what is causing the stress and dis-ease in one's  body, mind and spirit, however suffice to say that it all leads to one's own self awareness. That cure is in the thorough understanding of the nature of the whole panoramic view of the state of human consciousness itself. It is us that has created the demons that we face today and our fallacy, our failure to get a strong hold on our understanding of what our mind is capable of both individually as well as collectively, it is this ignorance that has brought this tragedy upon ourselves. Our materialistic and absolute scientific approach towards human development has nudged our sense of humanity, of love and compassion, or care towards others making us no different than automatons, living the life of the Matrix, (as in the movie). We are becoming self fulfilling in our progress towards achieving whatever goals that is that we are pursuing for we have really lost even the idea itself of what it is that we are looking for as a whole. Most of us are lost in a limbo not yet fully turned into mindless zombies but on the road to becoming one.

And I asked myself why did God in all His infinite wisdom sent man the COVID pandemic, or why has He made me sick. My answer is as I have tried to share but it is still not the whole truth. For those who has the propensity to think too much pondering the details of life, the answers are not too difficult or too abstruse to unveil, however the question remains as to how or what does one do with it that it may be of positive use towards the betterment of the human cause. In other words how does one get out of this mess and help to drag others along towards being awakened to the reality that we face. How do we stop ourselves and others from becoming automated demons and zombies and stand and fight for our liberation from the tyranny of being in a state of collective ignorant and held in bondage through a herd mentality. The wisdom that I see in why God has delivered us the pandemic is to wake us up in the most drastic way as a specie and if we still fail to open our senses and take appropriate actions to remedy our situation than what lies ahead is not what we would wish for. The choice is still in our hands, to become demonic or  divine. 

" Your own Self -Realization is the greatest service  you can render the World." - Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi.     

My Bouts with COVID19 - the joke was on me.

 Almost two weeks now that i had been enjoying the thrashing of my body mind and spirit by the virus; I have become another victim of the pandemic since my last Blg entry which was Friday the 20th. of August. I believe it was  through having contact with my son who had returned from his first COVID vaccine and fell ill from it. There were moments since when I felt like my end was inevitable and the pains I had to endure were so unbearable that I almost had my daughter called me the ambulance. However i have had my share of physical pains and suffering in the past and the past two weeks was not much different except for the inconvenience and discomfort. What was and perhaps still is that is most disconcerting is the deliriums that i go through every time i fell asleep, I would wake up to a feeling of disorientation with my mind racing in my head with thoughts that makes little or no sense whatsoever. After a few days of being in a state of fear an discomfort I came to realize how my mind has been triggering most of the pains and discomfort and how removed I had been from my spiritual practices of keeping my mind in check from running wild in my head. 

My first act in order to face the feverish state I was in was to force myself back into my normal routine of waking up to the call of my cat before the sunrise and feeding her followed by stepping outside the apartment to do my morning walk and sitting meditation while taking in the morning calls of nature. Even though I felt weak physically and my mind was demanding to be put back into bed I persisted and kept to my practice and slowly I came to be able to bring my consciousness into focus at what I was going through especially the pains and the fears that was connected to them; it was all if not mostly in my mind! I started to take a closer look at where or what was actually the physical pain and discomfort that i was experiencing and through my breath control I was able to analyze and brought these into focus and their severity lessened tremendously. From the mega migraine headaches to the pains in the center of my chest I breathed into these spots one at a time and managed to disperse the sharpness or severity of the pains to almost non existent. Thoughts of COVID deaths and the stages that leads to such an eventuality as being exposed by the media and medical services started to recede into the background like hungry ghosts, illusions created to help foster fears and anxieties which in turn exacerbates the already negative condition. One realizes how true it is that mind loves to feed upon negative thoughts and emotions and in this life nothing can be worse than one's own mind when allowed  free reign.

The horrors of the pandemic is still present as I keep hearing of my family and friends being sent to their early graves, however I am not as scared anymore of this microscopic villain claiming my life at 72. As a matter of fact without any sense of arrogance I look forward to the experience of dying at this not so ripe an old age. If there are any regrets of leaving behind anything worthwhile it would be my two children and my cat, perhaps a friend or two. Life has been lived and there is not much left to live for as far as I am concerned and if there is any question or doubt as to what lies beyond, I am at a lost for any concrete answer as I have had ever been and I do not see any enlightenment in the near future if I am not already. The simple fact of the matter is that through my sense of wakefulness and realization that I found my sitting meditation had pulled the veil of ignorance from my virus infected state of mind and helped to bring the whole COVID experience within control; I do not feel a scared victim anymore than just a patient undergoing a viral infection.

If there be any lesson to learn here it is the fact that the mind is the worse part of the equation when it comes to being sick. The feverish feeling, the gigantic migraine, the chest pains and shortness of breath, the coughing and the general state of lethargic and stupor delirious mind body imbalances is all a part of how the mind handles the trauma of being sick. It is like death is breath away and not near enough. However when one realizes the simple truth of it and is able to simply sit and observe all the pains and discomfort, letting go of the desperation and anxieties and accepting the inevitable, it slowly all fall off one by one and in the end they all disappear like a miracle cure. If there is any lesson to be experienced from this COVID19 pandemic flu, it is the fact that it is just another flu, perhaps more intense than my previous ones and I have had many in my lifetime including being hospitalized for four months with Malaria, this flu like symptoms I accept as being hyped by the general populace due to its widespread and lethal consequences. 

There is no disease that is incurable according to the teachings in Islam and The Lord is the Healer of Healers. I place my faith in the healing powers of my divine nature or die from the lack of it. Being an Atman or a ParaBrahman in essence I will not surrender my soul to the ignorance of my lower ego-state of consciousness. If I were to die from this virus I will die willingly as a result of being a slave to the physical and mental realm of my existence, I do not deserve this form that I have been endowed with; this human form. All that I have been through, all that I have learned and gathered in order that I get to know who I truly am, all my spiritual quests my trials and tribulations are all for nothing for I still feel helpless when in the face of such a minor discomfort as this COVID19 virus. How pathetic to succumb to a virus while believing myself to be of the Unborn Buddha Nature; it's a cosmic joke to say the least. "I started a joke...'' as the song by the Bee Gees goes, "...but the joke was on me."  

"The mind can go either direction under stress - towards positive or towards negative; on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousess at the negative end and hyper consciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is influenced by training." - A Bene Gesserit axiom,- from Frank Herbert's -Dune.

      

And I woke up this morning -It's Friday!

 Living in a sick society is very toxic to the soul and a challenge to the spirit and today as never before the whole of humanity is drifting in a sea of toxicity both natural and man made. The status we are in as a specie is so deplorable that even the reign of Attila The Hun and Adolph Hitler is now becoming a walk in the park, Yes many if not millions died during the wars of ages but be as it may, the wars were identifiable, recognizable, and the reasons for fighting were no mystery that it was mostly due to Greed, Hate and Ignorance., the three inherent human illnesses from beginning-less of time. Today humanity is sick from reasons beyond comprehension, we are mentally, physically and spiritually sick for no good reason other than being just sick of it all. We are living in a pressure cooker that has a no release valve and waiting for the time to burst as we keep living in denial of where we are at as a specie, headed for a final count down short of an Armageddon, a self fulfilling, End of Days and it is gathering momentum as we trudge towards this final phase of our existence on this plane of existence.

It must be Friday morning! Through the years, I have come to realize that the Fridays of my life have not been such a 'Holyday' for me as a Muslim. Perhaps it is because I seldom pray like all the good God fearing Muslims and Friday Prayers included. It is said that if one misses three consecutive Friday Prayers in a row one is not a Muslim and thus that has ruled me out a long time ago. Does that mean that I am not scared of God or of dying? No! I am scared shit-less, come to think of it, and this is why I try not to think, non-thinking, no thoughts. Easier said than done, cause the more I dwell on the matter the worse it gets and I notice how my mind thrives on bringing God and death into the equation when all else fails to shake me from my resolve. What's my resolve? For one I have resolved to get to know who I truly am before I get to know my Maker, my Creator and oh yes, I totally believe in there being a God, the One and only and call it by whatever Name your religion and culture has insttructed you to, but there is no doubt in my mind that God in all His Infinite Being exists in my heart and my mind. Living this life on this plane of existence, I live my life with the total acceptance that I am the property of my Maker and he commands my every breath that I take and not to mention, every move that I make and yes He is watching me...as the song goes, (Sting).

However i do not fear my Lord to the point of being petrified or with an acceptance of a mindless worm simply existing to turn the soil while waiting for evolution to convert me to my next realm, which hopefully would elevate me to a higher level as I fail to see how much lower I can get. Seeing that I am now existing as a human with a free will and a sharp mind to boot, I would consider my life a waste if I do not come to a state opf understanding of who or what I am in relationship to the rest of this Universe and the Lord my Maker.  Is it my ego that is talking out? Perhaps. However, that does not take it away from the fact that I still tremble at the thought of what might lie ahead for my in the afterlife and more so for being an arrogant and incorrigible entity who has been endowed with such blessings better than most in his life; I deserve to be afraid. Am I not grateful for all that I have been blessed with? Oh. more than words can express and this is not because I am afraid of God or of dying but this is because I love my Lord and I look forward to death,(except for the process itself). 

When we look deeply into impermanence, we see that things change because causes and conditions change. When we look deeply into non-self, we see that the existence of every single thing is possible only because of the existence of everything else. We see everything else is the cause and condition for its existence. We see that everything else is in it...

If we practice the art of mindful living, when things change, we won’t have any regrets. We can smile, because we have done our best to enjoy every moment of our life and to make others happy... The teaching of impermanence helps us appreciate fully what is there, without attachment or forgetfulness.

- Thich Nhat Hanh, in "Long Live Impermanence!!!".

(Artwork: Pipo Nguyen Duy)

13

 

  

Capturing the Virus -COVID19 -

 

The Museum Gallery Tuanku Fauziah (MGTF) --Univesity Sains Malaysia (USM) invited me to participate in a live streaming of six artists myself included. It was called "Pleinair Art" and so I joined in with my piece of work that was unfinished from the last series I was working on. This painting was a part of my solo exhibit at the Galeri Seni Mutiara entitled "OUT SAM B" and the opening was done on my 70th. Birthday. 

The Webinar was also joined in by an African American Artist from Illinois Najjar Musawil who had visited Penang a few years ago, Najjar is a Professor at the University of Southern Illinois and the Dean of the Arts Dept. I have written of Najjar's visit here in the Blog sometime ago. There was also a Nigerian student who is doing his gradaute studies at USM who is an excellent artist and a very friendly and humble man. Abdullahi Suleiman or Leman as he is known among friends here lives in England but fell in love with Malaysia and one of her citizens and has decided that he would make this country his second home or should i say third home. #learnart#learnoninstagram #portraitdrawing #charcoaldrawing  

T.C. Liew and Mysol Baha are two upcoming young artists who are multi-talented and have been very active in the art scene here especially in being productive teachers in art. And then there is Hasnul J. Saidon the organizer and Director of the Museum, a very well known and respected man in his field. We have been friends for many years now and still keep in touch.  

I will die a Jivan Mukti - Happy 72 Years of Lfe.

 Yesterday was my 72nd. birthday celebration and I had a good time as much as COVID19 and a deteriorating physical condition would permit one to have. One of my grand niece baked me a chocolate cake and a cousin living some four hundred kilometres in the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur ordered me a special lunch online delivered to my home. I had over one hundred well wishers on my Face Book which was  heart warming simply to realize that you have friends out there who are aware that you still exist on this plane. 72 years of being alive is quite a bonus for me compared to many of my close friends who have left for the afterlife in the last few years and I know that it will be one of the trend for me if I keep hanging around to watch others go one by one especially with the pandemic. Well I am grateful to still be around and hang out with my two children and the cat pretty much on lock down in our apartment on the top floor where we are the only ones occupying, like we have the whole floor to ourselves. The views are not too bad for a city from all around the building either where we have the hills on one side and the sea on the other.  It is not a bad situation to be in a lock down status compared to most and I hope things will lighten up a bit as it seems a wee bit too much for God to test us humans His favorite among creations. 

There are off course the silver linings that can be seen happening around among people in their relationship to one another, like there seem to be more caring and better connections on a more intimate level or so it seems.Although more connections are happening online via video conferences and webcam, people are making an all out effort to stay in touch more so than had there been no pandemic. The streets too are less hectic with traffic and inadvertently the air seems a whole lot cleaner. People in general thus far seem more tolerant and conscientious in dealing with each ther in public areas, thanks to social distancing. There is more charitable activities happening as food and other essentials are being distributed and handed out to those in need. Mosques and temples, churches and viharas are seeing lesser activities than it normally would and thus less ferment of religious sentiments which is advantageous to a multi-religious nation such as Malaysia. In short, people are being woken up to face themselves, to look at themselves closely like staring into the mirror rather than just catching the reflection at a glance. It is t me a good start for a collective inward reflection of who or what we truly are.

If one were to say that this pandemic is nature's way of  striking to maintain a balance in our human existence on this planet, I would tend to agree. Man has over exerted himself in all aspect of his claim of dominion over nature and the rest of sentient beings on this planet; we have become self serving and much worse arrogant about our status as homo sapiens. Man wants to run the show and grab and shape the environment according to his own self serving desires for so long as he sees fit to do so at the expense of the rest of the inhabitant on this planet. This blatant desire for more and better to serve his appetite has been eroding the planet of its resources and energy and is tearing its very fabric in the form of disasters both natural and man made. Hence, on seeing that constant destruction through wars and economic expansion is not abating in its intensity, nature has decided to throw in a stronger detergent to curb the human population from its rampaging disregard for the balance in nature.

Here I would lke to recommend the practice of Kriya Yoga a branch of the yogic practice of the ancients. My choice of lecture given on this subject that I find most straight forward and helpful is one given by Ryan Kurczak entitled "What is Kriya Yoga" (Beyond the hype.) which is available on You Tube. Again my introduction to the word Yoga was through my father while I was at the age of 14 years old and in passing he just dropped the line, "You should learn Yoga." in his broken Malay off course as he was from Sri Lanka originally. I was caught hook line and sinker by his suggestion and so I hate to be bragging like most those who practice Yoga especially its meditative aspect for years to claim my understanding of it. Yoga came to me quite naturally and I never gave it a thought to how or what I was practicing. If i can look back say what was my father's greatest gift to me it would be his passing remark about understanding Yoga when I was 14 years old. From then on I was standing on my head or sitting and staring at the distant horizon of the South China Sea every chance I had. 

As I turned 72 yesterday I came to realize that after all these years i really had not progress one bit in my 'spiritual' practices to be proud of. I hardly have much control over my physical body and much less over my mind even if I keep claiming that I am neither of these. That hese are my vessels, my vehicle, my mode of expressions while living on this plane of existence. I have little or no control of my thoughts as they manifest persistently when I sit to meditate or perform my prayers so much so that I simply gave up praying as a waste of time. Yet I keep affirming to myself that I am the master of my thoguhts and consciousness just as the ancient Gurus had suggested that i do. That I am the master of my body speech and mind ... a master of my space and environment and so so forth, but I find it all just blowing smoke over water, it does not even touch the surface much less dive deep into the depth. However I have opened my mouth and taken the bait and now I am hooked onto this journey of self discovery through Yoga primarily -meditation. If it be any solace to it all I enjoy sitting meditation at any time of the day and anywhere I am at and I am less messed up and angry, chaotic and scvared than I was before as a matter of fact I am at peace with how I am growing old and perhaps may say that I look forward and welcome death at any time. If there be a bucket list to be made I would list as number one that I feel more closely to the Divine Nature in me or better yet merge into the presence of God before I let go of my last breath; to die a Jivan mukti would be my spiritual goal.

"ivanmukti, according to Hindu philosophy, is the state of being spiritually liberated while still alive. The Sanskrit term is derived from the root words, jiva, meaning "life," and mukti, meaning "freedom." Jivanmukti is a state in which one possesses limitless knowledge, free from suffering, and enjoys eternal bliss."

#jivanmukti #kriyayoga #homosapiens #ryankurczak #

    

My weekend in Rome.

 

Morning has broken...

 

I have just lost one of the closest relative I had to COVID19 and the same man had lost his wife, my cousin sister to cancer a month earlier whose funeral I attended despite the COVID - Lock Down. I was on the phone twice talking to my cousin Majid who was hospitalized not too far from where I live but was not able to visit him due to the COVID -SOP. He passed away sometime early in the morning yesterday and I found out about it sometime at noon when I received a call from my sister to inform me of the sad news. My sister lives in Terengganu, on the East Coast and she found out from one of my cousins here who most probably forgot to call me. Small details which i am trying to not t cloud my mind with as I have learned to live with these games of the ego with those who you have to live and respect with. The devil again is in the details, ( I am beginning to like this phrase,)and no matter how I look at it, it hurts to be slighted especially over a significant event such as a death of a loved one. Anyway, its water under the bridge now and as they say, live and learn. I will miss both my cousin and his wife as they were the closest to me especially his wife who grew up under the same roof when we were young. This post is in loving memory of the dear departed and may they rest in peace.

The external phenomena has a direct impact upon my state of mind especially if the event is negative and more so if the event hurts my ego. Yes it is not easy to just dismiss being slighted by those that you hold in high regard and respect, it is like being shoved into a corner by someone who is out to play the lead as it had happened with my eldest brother while growing up as a teenager and now by my eldest of cousins who everyone looks to as being the elder in the family and relatives. If truth be told  have had my doubts about his intentions which is not all that genuinely sincere much less pure, but out of respect and perhaps my own sanity I have bowed and allowed to be led for the sake of my own children whose welfare is intertwine with the rest of their relatives, like it or not. Ironically my two children has grown up avoiding their relatives and cousins too for some odd reasons. It is not spoken of, but I can feel that they do not feel kindred-ship with their cousins as they do with their regular friends. Perhaps it is only me who has been trying to weld the connection between them for my own needs.

Thus one has a good example of how an ego-mind can take a spin on any given episode or event in our everyday life and turn into a cancer case. How an insignificant oversight by someone can give one a migraine while stirring up negative projections like there is a conspiracy going on to hurt one's pride or belittle one's status and it keeps on festering until something new and more traumatic erupts to take its place and the mind latch on to that. This attachment to external stimuli, events and even images is what keeps the mind ever so busy distracted and filled with discord. It is a tough practice to keep a close watch upon the mental reactions one has towards all that transpires in one's life no matter how small or insignificant, however it is imperative that this is done as best one can so as to minimize the influences as well as distractions that they can cause to the mind. Mindfulness and awareness practice is common in the Hinayana school of Buddhism where alongside sitting meditation, there is mindfulness walking meditation and meditation while doing the household chores or working in the garden. These practices helps to keep the mind less distracted and more in the present where the psycho-emotional reaction towards any negative stimuli from the external is less prone to become infectious.

Upon waking up in the morning and entering the kitchen to find a pile of dirty dishes scattered all over the counter can start your day on a wrong footing least to say. However here I find is where mindfulness practice begins. I can moan and groan, curse and swear and still have to do the clean up or I could sing a Cat Steven's song and get into mindfulness practice by transcending the negative emotions and be thankful that there are chores that needs to be done. Especially in these days of the pandemic, I got time on my hand and having a routine to work with is a blessing in disguise. Get the water boiling while doiing the dishes and when the thought of why your adult kids do not know how to rinse their dirty plates before throwing them on the counter with leftovers still in them, just look at them and smile, the dirty dishes as well as your children and ask yourself will they ever learn? Perhaps if they watch you do it often enough, perhaps never till someone or some colleagues or roommates, yell some sense into their consciousness. Any which way, they are too old to listen to what I have to say anymore, and so I sing, 'Morning has Broken," by Yousof Islam or formerly known as Cat Stevens. 

 

 

The Bodhisattva's journey

For as long as I can remember even while growing up in the mangrove swamp of a village known as Kampung Selut, Sungai Pinang, I was not the normal kid when compared to the rest of my cousins who grew under the same roof at my grand mother's house or better known in Malay as 'Rumah Nenek', Grnadma's house. I was special in some sense as I was an adopted child to my uncle and aunt who were not married at the time themselves. They were my mother's younger siblings and were given the charge of raising me when my mother had delivered a set of twins and I was the younger of the two boys. This was on the 12th. of August of 1949 and the midwife who delivered us was my eldest auntie who was one of the only two midwives in the whole of the village. My aunt had just delivered her own son a week earlier and was still in recovery herself. I had learned allot about my early life as a child from her in later years as I had spent allot of time with her in my young adult life giving her rides on my motor cycle when she was called to deliver a child. She had painted the picture of the day I came into this world along with my brother who was delivered half an hour before me. I will never forget how she told me that I almost did not make it because she was not aware that she was delivering a set of twins.

"Your coming into this world was not a happy occasion for you and for your family. Your mother had resisted from having any more children and for her to discover that she had a twins was too much. You were an unwanted child and you were given up for adoption because your parents simply could not afford to have an extra mouth to feed." She told me this when I was in my early twenties and was turned away from visiting my then girl friend who was sick in bed at her home. Not only was I dismissed at the door but was also told not to see her ever again as I was not good enough for her and of a questionable background, (of race). I was shattered as I had known my first love for almost 15 years then and I thought we were made for each other. I went home and told my aunt of the incident and after telling me of my unfortunate childhood, she told me to let her go and live my life free from the attachment. I did, I met an American and married her six months later.

As much as I keep telling myself to stop looking back to my past, I cannot help it as I find my past is as important as my present and as my future would be. As much as I want to accept the admonition from the great minds of today to 'be in the here and now', this is where it all is, that past is dead and gone, I cannot do so for the past is like a hungry ghost that still haunts me demanding to be reconciled and fully accepted and assimilated  before i can move on. It is not that I am proud of my past, far from it, my past is as dark and blemished so much so that I believe if my heart were to be dissected it would be found to be as dark as a lump of coal. Hence why I keep saying that my only prayer is to ask for the Lord's forgiveness, Astarghfirullah al Azim, However having chosen to share this journey of a lifetime as a way to understand the inner and outer workings of a mind for the benefit of those who happen to read this blog, I feel that I have to be as close to the truth as I can without incriminating or smearing the names of  others who was and still is involved in my life. I have been trying to cleanse my soul in the best way I know how, it is an effort of purification of the heart in order to remove the layers of dirt and grime that I have accumulated throughout my time and along the way as I head towards the final destination; still, in my final moments I would like to have a glimpse of why I was alive in the first place.

To be alive to me it means to to be fully conscious and aware of every cause and effects that I have incurred and to be fully cognizant of the implications and consequences that I have to reap from what I have sewn. I have to 'untangle the tangles' as the Buddha is said to have said as there is no one that can do it for me. This is the cross that I have to bear on my back as I drag myself up the mount to be crucified as The Christ had done only I do it to save my own soul even if the intention of sharing this journey is to save others too who happen to read this post. It is a small effort on my part but I share my life's trials and tribulations so as to become enlightened myself while with all sincerity to nudge others too towards the awakening experience; this is the journey of a Bodhisattva.

#astarghfirullah #thechrist #buddha #boddhisattva #