Almost two weeks now that i had been enjoying the thrashing of my body mind and spirit by the virus; I have become another victim of the pandemic since my last Blg entry which was Friday the 20th. of August. I believe it was through having contact with my son who had returned from his first COVID vaccine and fell ill from it. There were moments since when I felt like my end was inevitable and the pains I had to endure were so unbearable that I almost had my daughter called me the ambulance. However i have had my share of physical pains and suffering in the past and the past two weeks was not much different except for the inconvenience and discomfort. What was and perhaps still is that is most disconcerting is the deliriums that i go through every time i fell asleep, I would wake up to a feeling of disorientation with my mind racing in my head with thoughts that makes little or no sense whatsoever. After a few days of being in a state of fear an discomfort I came to realize how my mind has been triggering most of the pains and discomfort and how removed I had been from my spiritual practices of keeping my mind in check from running wild in my head.
My first act in order to face the feverish state I was in was to force myself back into my normal routine of waking up to the call of my cat before the sunrise and feeding her followed by stepping outside the apartment to do my morning walk and sitting meditation while taking in the morning calls of nature. Even though I felt weak physically and my mind was demanding to be put back into bed I persisted and kept to my practice and slowly I came to be able to bring my consciousness into focus at what I was going through especially the pains and the fears that was connected to them; it was all if not mostly in my mind! I started to take a closer look at where or what was actually the physical pain and discomfort that i was experiencing and through my breath control I was able to analyze and brought these into focus and their severity lessened tremendously. From the mega migraine headaches to the pains in the center of my chest I breathed into these spots one at a time and managed to disperse the sharpness or severity of the pains to almost non existent. Thoughts of COVID deaths and the stages that leads to such an eventuality as being exposed by the media and medical services started to recede into the background like hungry ghosts, illusions created to help foster fears and anxieties which in turn exacerbates the already negative condition. One realizes how true it is that mind loves to feed upon negative thoughts and emotions and in this life nothing can be worse than one's own mind when allowed free reign.
The horrors of the pandemic is still present as I keep hearing of my family and friends being sent to their early graves, however I am not as scared anymore of this microscopic villain claiming my life at 72. As a matter of fact without any sense of arrogance I look forward to the experience of dying at this not so ripe an old age. If there are any regrets of leaving behind anything worthwhile it would be my two children and my cat, perhaps a friend or two. Life has been lived and there is not much left to live for as far as I am concerned and if there is any question or doubt as to what lies beyond, I am at a lost for any concrete answer as I have had ever been and I do not see any enlightenment in the near future if I am not already. The simple fact of the matter is that through my sense of wakefulness and realization that I found my sitting meditation had pulled the veil of ignorance from my virus infected state of mind and helped to bring the whole COVID experience within control; I do not feel a scared victim anymore than just a patient undergoing a viral infection.
If there be any lesson to learn here it is the fact that the mind is the worse part of the equation when it comes to being sick. The feverish feeling, the gigantic migraine, the chest pains and shortness of breath, the coughing and the general state of lethargic and stupor delirious mind body imbalances is all a part of how the mind handles the trauma of being sick. It is like death is breath away and not near enough. However when one realizes the simple truth of it and is able to simply sit and observe all the pains and discomfort, letting go of the desperation and anxieties and accepting the inevitable, it slowly all fall off one by one and in the end they all disappear like a miracle cure. If there is any lesson to be experienced from this COVID19 pandemic flu, it is the fact that it is just another flu, perhaps more intense than my previous ones and I have had many in my lifetime including being hospitalized for four months with Malaria, this flu like symptoms I accept as being hyped by the general populace due to its widespread and lethal consequences.
There is no disease that is incurable according to the teachings in Islam and The Lord is the Healer of Healers. I place my faith in the healing powers of my divine nature or die from the lack of it. Being an Atman or a ParaBrahman in essence I will not surrender my soul to the ignorance of my lower ego-state of consciousness. If I were to die from this virus I will die willingly as a result of being a slave to the physical and mental realm of my existence, I do not deserve this form that I have been endowed with; this human form. All that I have been through, all that I have learned and gathered in order that I get to know who I truly am, all my spiritual quests my trials and tribulations are all for nothing for I still feel helpless when in the face of such a minor discomfort as this COVID19 virus. How pathetic to succumb to a virus while believing myself to be of the Unborn Buddha Nature; it's a cosmic joke to say the least. "I started a joke...'' as the song by the Bee Gees goes, "...but the joke was on me."
"The mind can go either direction under stress - towards positive or towards negative; on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousess at the negative end and hyper consciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is influenced by training." - A Bene Gesserit axiom,- from Frank Herbert's -Dune.
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