The Bodhisattva's journey

For as long as I can remember even while growing up in the mangrove swamp of a village known as Kampung Selut, Sungai Pinang, I was not the normal kid when compared to the rest of my cousins who grew under the same roof at my grand mother's house or better known in Malay as 'Rumah Nenek', Grnadma's house. I was special in some sense as I was an adopted child to my uncle and aunt who were not married at the time themselves. They were my mother's younger siblings and were given the charge of raising me when my mother had delivered a set of twins and I was the younger of the two boys. This was on the 12th. of August of 1949 and the midwife who delivered us was my eldest auntie who was one of the only two midwives in the whole of the village. My aunt had just delivered her own son a week earlier and was still in recovery herself. I had learned allot about my early life as a child from her in later years as I had spent allot of time with her in my young adult life giving her rides on my motor cycle when she was called to deliver a child. She had painted the picture of the day I came into this world along with my brother who was delivered half an hour before me. I will never forget how she told me that I almost did not make it because she was not aware that she was delivering a set of twins.

"Your coming into this world was not a happy occasion for you and for your family. Your mother had resisted from having any more children and for her to discover that she had a twins was too much. You were an unwanted child and you were given up for adoption because your parents simply could not afford to have an extra mouth to feed." She told me this when I was in my early twenties and was turned away from visiting my then girl friend who was sick in bed at her home. Not only was I dismissed at the door but was also told not to see her ever again as I was not good enough for her and of a questionable background, (of race). I was shattered as I had known my first love for almost 15 years then and I thought we were made for each other. I went home and told my aunt of the incident and after telling me of my unfortunate childhood, she told me to let her go and live my life free from the attachment. I did, I met an American and married her six months later.

As much as I keep telling myself to stop looking back to my past, I cannot help it as I find my past is as important as my present and as my future would be. As much as I want to accept the admonition from the great minds of today to 'be in the here and now', this is where it all is, that past is dead and gone, I cannot do so for the past is like a hungry ghost that still haunts me demanding to be reconciled and fully accepted and assimilated  before i can move on. It is not that I am proud of my past, far from it, my past is as dark and blemished so much so that I believe if my heart were to be dissected it would be found to be as dark as a lump of coal. Hence why I keep saying that my only prayer is to ask for the Lord's forgiveness, Astarghfirullah al Azim, However having chosen to share this journey of a lifetime as a way to understand the inner and outer workings of a mind for the benefit of those who happen to read this blog, I feel that I have to be as close to the truth as I can without incriminating or smearing the names of  others who was and still is involved in my life. I have been trying to cleanse my soul in the best way I know how, it is an effort of purification of the heart in order to remove the layers of dirt and grime that I have accumulated throughout my time and along the way as I head towards the final destination; still, in my final moments I would like to have a glimpse of why I was alive in the first place.

To be alive to me it means to to be fully conscious and aware of every cause and effects that I have incurred and to be fully cognizant of the implications and consequences that I have to reap from what I have sewn. I have to 'untangle the tangles' as the Buddha is said to have said as there is no one that can do it for me. This is the cross that I have to bear on my back as I drag myself up the mount to be crucified as The Christ had done only I do it to save my own soul even if the intention of sharing this journey is to save others too who happen to read this post. It is a small effort on my part but I share my life's trials and tribulations so as to become enlightened myself while with all sincerity to nudge others too towards the awakening experience; this is the journey of a Bodhisattva.

#astarghfirullah #thechrist #buddha #boddhisattva #