Happy Father's Day - to me.

I must admit that I have not been much of a father to all my three children, however i am ever so thankful that all four of them has turned out for the better in their adult life. Perhaps it is all thanks to their mothers, all three of them, two Americans and a Swiss. Oh it is a long story no doubt how I turned out to have sired four children of different mothers and iI am sure that somewhere in this lengthy Blogging I must have tried to justify the story one way or another in the effort to convince myself that I was not all that bad and things could have been a whole lot worse. There is no doubt in my mind that the three boys hold one form or another of a grudge against my way of bringing them into this world or how i had wronged their mothers. At this age I am too concerned anymore over all the errors I made in the past with regard to their upbringing and I know i have tried my best to remedy my mistakes as best i could. All my justifications will not convince them as they does not do me any satisfaction either and so I will have to let it be and hope that the persons they have become will in its own right speak on my behalf as a father.

In honor of my father and my grandfather I am writing this short tribute all fathers who have raised their children to the best of their abilities. As a father the welfare of my children has always been the force that motivates and kept me seeking the true path through knowing who I truly am and what my potentials are as a man. I have never and never will blame anyone else for my errors nor will I ever claim that my way is the best or any better than others'. I have and will love my children no matter what they may think of me. Their well being will always be in my heart and mind and I have tried my best to be there when they needed me most. As a father it has taught me that being there in the right time and moment in the lives of my children is all a matter of faith in the desire to make things right and in the effort to ease their burden in life. I do not hope that they will ever turn out to be just like me for my path was the less traveled in comparison to most fathers. I took many a wrong turn and gambled my way through my own life in order that I can pave my own journey towards becoming who I am knowingly or otherwise.

As I am close to take that one step beyond into the unknown, I feel I need to take stock of my track record as being a father and this Blog as well as my journals would be testimonies towards what had happened and what the consequences has been.I have tried to be as honest and candid as I can lest my writing might do more damage than help to heal. As far as healing goes, my Blog is about healing myself through understanding, through my own perception my own experiences and my own  judgements; and i am prone to be wrong most of the time mostly through assumptions and my own distorted projections. Being a father is has been a touch and go experience for as my children grew up in sorts of mixed environment and cultures, I have to adapt to their thinking accordingly.There is very little to fall back upon as examples that can be assimilated to when situations arises. I mostly have to trust my gut feelings and take my cues from what is presented before me to tackle. Most of all I rely upon the fact that these are my children and they have their own personalities and upbringing through having lived most of their lives with their mothers. I treat with utmost respect their stand and accept the fact that iknow little about how or what tendencies are. I rely on the fact that my task as a father is to ensure their comfort and well being and that they has a little to blame life for their father's errors.

Hence Happy Father's Day to me as I am seeing that my children have grown into strong characters with allot of potentials ahead of  them once they too discover the truth of who they truly are. In the meantime I will strive to keep on being who I am to the best of all our interests, by being healthy and productive for as long as I possibly can. By being being an artist, a writer, a cushion when they fall, a helping hand in some small way to help ease their load as they grow into adulthood themselves.

































 

The Tree of Life

My daughter and I had our first Half-Open House for the Eid Mubarak and I made my specialty, Spaghetti ala Bahari.Got very good response from our guests especially her boss who helped himself to three helpings! My fears that it would not be enough to last the day was quashed at the end of the evening and we even had some spare for the of us for dinner; perfect! The turn out was also very surprising as it turned out a diverse group of closest friends and relatives turned up with a few girls from Sarawak who are here to do their internship at my daughter's work place. I was pretty much beat by the time i finished cooking which started at 7am. and lasted almost 3 hours by the time I got everything I needed for the event, like fork and spoons and dishing containers and hot drink and cold drinks plates and napkins etc.I was so bushed, I took a short nap when i got home, It revitalized my energy and got me through the day entertaining old and young, friends and family; it felt good.

It does not take much to make others yourself happy and harmonious, it just takes a small commitment upon yourself to make things happen with a genuine effort and 'ikhlas' or sincerity.
But when it happens it becomes a moment to remember for the rest of everyone's life those who were there. In Islam it is called 'Tali 'siratalRahim.' The bonds between brothers and sisters, friends and relatives, between a community or the Umah, ties between all humanity; its the Universal Spirit of Unity; and we are slowly but surely loosing this human if not spiritual connections. Just to keep family ties alone  has become an effort and as our family extends into larger circles we have a greater commitment it becomes our human consciousness to foster stronger ties of Love and Friendship between us. It is often said that we are all one family and that we originated from the One  call it by whatever name you will, so long as we recognize this principle in our lineage man will go on living side by side till the end of Days. It is when this principle deteriorates that we become an adversary to one another often creating pain and suffering unnecessarily; we forget who we truly are. We struggle and compete to stay ahead, we eat up and throw up those that stands in our way and we become inhuman towards just about every living being that does not benefit our intentions.

The ancient wisdom of great yogic and Buddhist thoughts, the teachings of Zoroaster and the Hermes Trimejestus, the philosophy of the Tao Te Ching, and the Islam ic teachings to name a few have one common thread that is woven into them and that is the interconnection of all into the One. We came from the One and will return to the One unified whole. This is the Cosmic principle, the Merging of Differences, the Collective Universal Spirit and is called by various names accordingly. In short we are an interdependent beings existing in a collective whole alongside each and every being, however most of us humans have failed to feel this connection and developed an independent self serving spirit that is better known as the egoistic personality. Our minds has developed a sense of survival mode through fear to 'take care of number one', and those closest to our well being or benefit us. From this sense we become competitive, we develop greed and hate and jealousy, envy and so forth; our mind becomes corrupted. From all these we experience life with through ignorance as the mind becomes more and more infected with the craving for more and greater things, things that we do not even need anymore than we have to. The problems humanity faces today is this; the fact that we have forgotten who we truly are in relationship towards our fellow man and the rest of the Universe at large. 

Wars and famine, economic collapse and the decadence of society, are but a few of the symptoms of humanity's failure to coexist and becoming aware of our codependent of each and every single being on this planet and this includes Nature and the elements or Earth, Wind, Fire and Water. Perhaps it is out of our arrogance that we deny the need for others, that we can live and survive without the help and assistance of those around us and that we do not have to feel obligated to do any favors much less be charitable towards those who could use our assistance if; perhaps we are right.However, just looking at this lap top from which I am typing the post itself reminds me of how many minds has come together to create such a tool, it took a whole groups of people that has fed upon a whole bunch of animals and plants, not to mention breathed the air, drink the water and walk the earth and kept warm by the fire, to come together to create the computer; the farmers and the fishermen helped to create the computer; this is the Tree of Life.

We are like plants growing out of the earth with our roots planted deep within and our branches stretching outwards as far as they are able to. We flower and our fruits ripen and falls to the earth to create more of our kind; our progeny. We each and everyone of us has the desire to leave behind a legacy that can be looked upon as inspiring and beneficial for those that will come after us, we try not to leave behind us bad seeds and decadence, We leave behind us the gifts of Love and Compassion towards others and the Peace throughout the Universe and this can only be attain if and when we have come to fully understand who we truly are and our interrelationship with the rest of humanity: we indeed are the Universe, within and without.
    

Ramadan is almost over, but the taste lingers on...

And if you deny the Divine within that there is God, how does that hurt God, it is just as fair to say that there is no evil and yet the good and evil coexist throughout a life just light and darkness. The one cannot be without the other, they are the flip of the same coin. Man to my understanding as a whole strives for the good and avoid evil at all cost except when moments dire desperation or utmost temptation is evil committed. Greed, Hate and Ignorance, are the basis for man's falls to evil, an ordinary man satisfied with his life seldom if not never is swayed towards evil. During the Fasting Month of Ramadan evil forces are being reined in and confined in hell for the duration of the whole month; man in essence has no scapegoat or an excuse for his transgressions but himself. To fast or not to fast, the choice is of free will where the act of self discipline is laid out for the well being of the spirit and salvation of the soul. Although there is no coerce towards fulfilling this mandatory in the material, physical sense, there is however th covenant made by the soul to honor the Lord's Will. I choose out of my own free will to perform the fasting in order that i may fulfill the Divine Will. 

Science is finding more and more benefits for fasting as far as the body and mind goes and it is apparent that with the deprivation of food and drink the mind and body reacts accordingly and mostly in the negative nature. Hunger, thirst, depression and not to mention migraines and exhaustion, fasting is no easy matter if and when it is observed thoroughly.   The mind is kept free from negative thought formations such as sexual in nature or greed and envy; the mind is kept pure and attuned to the Divine only. Normal labor goes on as usual, a fisherman goes to sea, a farmer tends his fields, a mother takes care of her home and so forth. Then there are additional special prayers added to the five regulatory prayers in the evening after the night prayer or Ishak. One goes to the mosque and perform a series of prayers lasting for almost two hours. I must admit that I am not among the believers who can do this and I envy them for their strength and determination and devotion. Men and women who performs the Taraweh Prayers are to be honored in the eyes of God.
 Hunger and thirst and the deprivation of the mind's negative mental formations are among the best ways to rein in the ego's desires and fantasies and promote for the Divinity in man. Herein lies the major difference between man and the rest of the animal kingdom. With right understanding and right mindfulness, man can awaken himself to his own self created reality to see the truth behind the veils of delusion he lives in; nothing is real except that which is eternal and unchanging; the Divine Spirit within, the , the Original Buddha Nature, the Atman, the Soul, Ruh.   

God Is great! A Blessed Eid Mubarak to all.

And the beginning of a new year for the Muslims as the Month of Ramadan came to an end and Muslims all over the Globe celebrate Eid Mubarak with feasts and family gathering to strengthen all relationships families and friends alike. It is akin to a Christmas celebration but not for the celebration of a birthday but a New Year. I fasted the whole month as best i could and at times it did got to be a painful experience especially physically, what with migraines and heart burn from hunger and thirst and it was also a spiritual struggle as I refelct upon my faith, where it stands. Yes, I do feel a whole lot closer to my Maker and fell His Grace better than I have ever felt in the past, but the journey towards the throne of my Lord is still an on going journey. I hear His whispers in my heart and noticed His Grace in the small miracles that I experience as i go about my daily life and I am more of a believer than i have ever been in my entire life thus far. Spiritually speaking The Month of Ramadan will always be a trial for my nafs. or ego and more than often the ego wins and so the battle or Jihad will go on.

When we hear AllahuAkhbar during the azan or call to prayer, or uttered when a Muslim is elated, excited with something, most non Muslims especially Westerners gets all uptight; it only means that God is Great. Who or what else can be greater and how else would one express a feeling of joy and elation but to be thankful to that which is a greater  entity than our small egotistical self? The Christians and Jews would do the same, like the Lord is Great or praise be to the Lord. It does not imply that my God is greater than yours or his, it simply means one is grateful for the gift of whatever. When a Muslim says Alhamdullilah, he or she simply is saying, thanks to the Lord for whatever is rendered, being grateful and reminding ourselves that it all originates from the One. When aMuslim says Subhanallah, he or she simply is saying, the Lord is Pure, unblemished, genuine and so forth. When we attach negative connotations to these utterances than we got us a problem of communication. These are Arabic words, but they mean the same simple truths that it reminds us of where or what the source of our inspirations and actions comes from and helps to curb our ego from claiming the ownership.

The road towards Fana or the attainment of a state of emptiness from the self is through these reminders as lived day to day, that we are merely vessels, containers and not the content of our volition and actions. Thus we do not succumb to Riak or show off, bragging that we are the source of our intelligence and nothing else; our source is limited and will always remain so, divine source is eternal and ever present. If I am beginning to sound like a preacher it is not my intention, it is merely my understanding and perceptions that I am sharing that hopefully will help to bridge the misconceptions of those who are interested in such matters and I will always stand corrected if I am wrong.  If one is willing to elect a President to run the country and your life why not have faith in the highest authority that you shun simply because you have misunderstood the implications of what is being uttered. It takes some learning to become aware of the meanings behind the words in no matter what language it is uttered. This is why knowledge are wings by which we fly to heaven, not a place but a feeling of right understanding is all it is.



  

Taking the leap of Faith.

As long as you exist, you are damned! You and I cannot exist, one has to submit, surrender, give in give up, only One can exist. Fana' is the goal of the believer,to attain complete annihilation of the 'elf' from consciousness to merge wholly into the void, the emptiness, the light; to be absorbed into unconsciousness, non existent or being. The Buddha attained PariNirvana, Complean expression of te Enlightenment, the Cessation of the self and upon His deathbed His final words were, "I Am No More!" This is the total submission into the unknown of the Soul; Fana'. I am taking on a serious discussion with myself over a matter that has concerned me for a very long time and that is the issue of the One-ess of God. It is my naive maintain that I cannot exist for there to be only One.I feel in me that I am barking up a mountain, the answer and it is not giving up the answer; your intuition says it is somewhere up there. It is not a matter of doubt in the existence of the Al Mighty, Lord of Creation, however it is a matter of having an inquisitive God given mind that has to be put into function. It is in trying to fully comprehend the nature of all of existence as my own thought formations; my own Collective Consciousness with all other beings, every souls throughout the past , present and future. This Consciousness the has evolved through one incarnation after another to arrive at this juncture of its natural history,  still not is  completely convinced with the whole truth, did or did Jesus die on the cross? Islam says no, Christianity says Yes. Like who was offered as a sacrifice to God, Ishmael of Isaac? Islam says Ishmael, Judaism and Christianity says Isaac. 

Yesterday evening my daughter and I attended a musical performed at a Church in the City and it was about the life and  teachings and crucifixion of Jesus Christ. We were accompanied by mt gaughter's Boss, Joe Sidek and another of their staff David. I had a great time, as it was refreshing to watch a live performance by presented by more than one hundred Church members young and old. I felt the positive energy vibrating throughout the Church of young people acting and dancing with full of vigor and passion. If I am not mistaken the Title of thIe play is 'The Witness'. I whispered to my friend Joe, "We fasted all day and sit and watch the life of Jesus in the evening!" "We can be arrested by the Muslim Religious Department!," he replied. " Twenty, thirty years ago it was never like this, the Malay Muslims have become more extremist than ever before, how can you draw people to become Muslims if you are setting such a rigid standards and pressure towards anything and everything that is considered entertainment, or detrimental to the Islamic faith?" he went on to say. Did Jesus truly died on the cross or did He not, was what was running through my mind   

As we grow older we loose our sense of curiosity and awe about life especially that which is unknown to us, we rely upon our imagination and fantasies and accept the truth of what the mind has conjured for us all along to be reality. Our language becomes more intellectual and we use big words and expresses little and we confuse others more than convince them about life we have lost our sense of simplicity and dwell in muddled thoughts and expressions. Many questions cannot be answered as they defy rationality and often defies human intelligence, however this is the very purpose that they are there to be looked into if one is seeking to unravel the truth about one's faith. The Buddha's first of the Eighthfold Path is Right Understanding and thus it is one's 'Jihad' or Quest  to untangle the tangle of one's understanding about faith. If one's faith is unshakable, immovable and impeccable, then one should have no fear of whatever test that is thrown in one's path but take them but accept them as another door or Dharma Gate to enter and experience what ever lessons there is to learn on the other side across the threshold.  Death is the ultimate test in this our impermanent life, the coming to and end of the physical material realm of existence. 

It is more sensible to worship the Lord out of Love than out of fear, (for those who worship God). Love evokes positive energies while fear dissipates it. Do not equate human frailties to the omnipotent of the Lord's powers. Throughout human history faith and religious beliefs has been a major  issue and the Buddha had His own answers to most of the dilemmas as he set out to unravel the truth fpr himself. It took many years of deep reflections and meditations and allot of trials and tribulations to arrive at His final conclusion; that for so long as the I exist there is suffering.

Be conscious of the unconscious.

And the subconscious or unconscious is a warehouse of all our accumulated thoughts of past, present and even future, it is where all our dreams and latent tendencies are properly or haphazardly stacked away depending upon each individual ability to mange their own data banks/clossets. Sometimes when you go into the attics of homes you will find all kinds of items being stored away strewn all over the floor from wall to wall collecting dust and might even make you feel scary to venture into the space. Sometimes you climb into and attic and you find a well organized well laid out items that are properly boxed and even listed that makes it looks like these items are simply stored away for future use. Sometimes one can even find a recliner placed in one corner like it is meant for the space to be used as a reference room where one can take  a look at things from the past without having to sneeze from dust. This is the nature of the subconscious mind space where thoughts are laid away forgotten most of them but still available whenever evoked by any stimulus from the conscious mind in the form of dreams and day to day experiences. It is a vast reservoir of collected information that our consciousness accumulates as we experience the world and ourselves.

Tapping into the unconscious requires practice and it has been my intention to fully understand  and utilize this possibility to the fullest extent through my artworks. The term 'abstract art' takes on the form of expressing myself through drawing out from my unconscious thoughts, ideas and images from that which is latent within my unconscious. I have no preconceived idea of what I paint but as I allow my work to take its own manifestation as i go along and more often I start to see images emerge as I progress. It is the mark of a true artist to seek that which is ' original', that which has never been expressed before in an art form, style or technique. Where can one discover this originality other than from within and to be able to do so entails a thorough in depth study and understanding of the nature of the conscious and unconscious mind, how they are interrelated to one. How does one tap into the unconscious in order to draw out from the vast treasure trove of latent primordial experiences and deeply buried images deep within the attic of our consciousness and then to mold it mesh it all together to become a new form like one never before and manifest such an image on to the canvass.

Psychedelics or drug induced images are a few examples of these images that seems to emerge out of the blue and manifested on to the canvass like the artist or creator had it all pre-planned. Spontaneity is the essence of originality, I believe so, as it is through being spontaneous that the image or an idea is manifested directly from the unconscious without any obstruction by a thought, like the expression, 'I am having a second thought'. Hence there is no right or wrong about the expression, this way or that way to view, but simply it is as it is. If the viewer has the inclination to view the piece of work without any expectation or having a preconceived notion of what the piece is or should be, then the piece of work will make very little sense or has no meaning at all to the viewer. For the artist it is a matter of having accomplished the process of abstracting from within what was waiting to be exposed through the right combination of mediums, circumstances, technique, and most importantly the state of mind one is in; absolute silence of the mind is the key. Then again this is all just my ideas and i have known to be way off the mark as I am no C.G.Jung, when it comes to the understanding of the unconscious.    

   



















    

Craig Woods thinks so too.

"Modern science is swiftly catching up with what the Ancients have been teaching since time immemorial: just how powerful our thoughts are on our experience of physical reality. One of the things scientists are quickly coming to terms with is that, if performed in the correct state, there is literally no difference in mental visualization and actual physical experiences─both affect the brain in the same way!Modern science is swiftly catching up with what the Ancients have been teaching since time immemorial: just how powerful our thoughts are on our experience of physical reality. One of the things scientists are quickly coming to terms with is that, if performed in the correct state, there is literally no difference in mental visualization and actual physical experiences─both affect the brain in the same way!

Modern science is swiftly catching up with what the Ancients have been teaching since time immemorial: just how powerful our thoughts are on our experience of physical reality. One of the things scientists are quickly coming to terms with is that, if performed in the correct state, there is literally no difference in mental visualization and actual physical experiences─both affect the brain in the same way!"

The Benefits of Mental Rehearsal

Posted on May 25, 2019 by Craig Woods

I can always say,"see i told you so, just yesterday!" Today I stumble on Face Book this article like it was meant as a footnote to my ramblings. I was not making shit as i go along no, I know and i feel, it is a part of my intuition that these things as they are, only I am no big name to be bothered with and who cares. What is crucial for me is to able to make these observations as i go along with my experiment and record them just as I am doing right his moment. I have been sharing my practices over the years among which is the practice of , Auto-suggestion whereby I keep repeating to myself certain 'mantras', like "I am whole, complete and perfect..." I have been doing this for many years now ever since the idea was put into my mind from reading, Frank Haarnel's "The Master Key." I was twenty five years old when I was given the book and which I took with me from Malaysia to the United States. I saw the truth in such a practice way back when and today still do it as it has become my personal mantra, it has a strong impact on my life  

I am no scientist in any scientific field albeit a biologist or a physicist, no neurologist and as a matter of fact i hated science especially mathematics. However I know I have good sense of intuition and I trust my intuitions which tells me that I am the 'Master of my own ship. That I am the master of my body, speech and mind of my thoughts and consciousness...' I realized long ago that I am not this mind or body  and that my brain cells have no idea what to do other than the norm for physical survival, unless I instruct them and so I instruct each and every cell in my mind and body through my auto suggestions, my mantra. One just have to do it and have strong believe and commitment in the fact that it is the right way although may not be the only way. Through meditation, through Zikrulah or chanting, through complete awareness in whatever activity I am involved in like working on my paintings or as I am doing now making this post, it all boils down to having a direct communication with all the atoms and subatomic particles that makes up this body through cells and to the bone and flesh structures, to manifest collectively as one entity and perform accordingly as instructed through the mind by the spirit., (for lack of a better word.)

Not that it does any good although once in a while you get the feeling that something works when a little surprise happens, but mostly you just wish for  a miracle which never comes; Such Is.
No matter how hard you try, no matter how much time you devote, I find it is all a matter of persistence and perseverance, and then cross your fingers that you may be headed in the right direction. If there is anything to be learned from all these trials and efforts is that one has to be open and not expecting anything out of the ordinary, just accept and allow for what happens to play itself out; anger, sorrorw, comfort, pleasure, whatever. Accept and allow for all phenomena to manifest as they arise and falls but steer clear from attachment to any as to be true or a reality. nothing is real. not a thing and this is underlying truth. The whole universe is a mental formation a collective universal consciousness that emanates from one source of energy and this source is the Alfa and the Omega, the Eternal Tao,  the Supreme State of Being, call it by whatever name, it is That Which Is.
# Alfa&Omega, mracles.


    









  

Yes why think somuch?

As long as I am thinking I might as well write my thoughts down so i can access what i am thinking about sometimes repetitiously, over and over. J. Krishnamurti encourages one to become aware of all thoughts that passes through one's consciousness throughout the day and in the beginning I thought this was madness. Like how can you keep tab on all that your mind think about day in day out, how much thoughts that is, impossible! Then i decide i would give it a try and over the years slowly but surely i found that ti is not impossible at all and as a mater of fact I can almost picture my thoughts as i watch them rise and fall away when I sit and meditate or while I am driving or especially while waiting for someone or something. After reflecting over what had transpired, what had captivated my interest  what or why I had judged such and such a person an so forth I began to notice how my mind functions. What makes me feel afraid or fear, why was i rude, how did i manage to make a fool of myself, why was I angry, jealous, at any given moment; yes it is possible to watch my thoughts as closely as I possibly could day in day out.

Then there are thoughts that pops up from within me, like out of the blue i am defending myself for a mistake i made years ago, or how I hated my brother or my neighbor's dog, or why did I gave up hockey and on and on and. These thoughts rises from out of 
nowhere and often times I would end up spending time trying to figure out, rationalize or feel bad or sad or repentant or even cry out for Divine intervention!  Yes what a bloody waste of energy and time, but it happens and it happens quite often like clockwork until I woke up one day and decided that i had enough of this drama and shut down the broadcasting studio in my head; sadly and most unfortunately, new stations pops up with more news. Yes, the human mind is a TV station that has myriads of channels and is active for as long as it is alive. So, Krishnamurti urged me to analyze and understand each and every thought that pops up in my mind in my daily life and see what gives. Like a fool I decided I would give it a shot and here i am writing it all down for the past thirty odd years, in my journals before there was a computer and now in my blogging which I started sometime in 2005.

Sometime in my life i decide that i am an addict like my father and my grandfather before m, they were alcoholics for most of their lives and i was pretty much on the same track to becoming one. Then i decide if i am genetically addictive (blame it on the genes), I might as well become addictive to thinking out lofty thoughts and ideas just like everyone else who writes memoirs and all kinds of other far out books and novels on top being an artist. I was introduced to the late Stan Lee, co creator of Marvel Comics at the age of twelve or thirteen through my eldest brother who subscribed to these comic books. At the same time I was introduced to the Jazz Greats like Cannon Ball Alderly (sp?), Ramsey Lewis, Louise Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald , to name a few and folk singers like Harry Belafonte, and Nat King Cole,  Peter Paul and Marry and a host of others. In books i read just about every novel that came my way through my brother  James Michener, Harold Robins, Dennis Wheatly, and numerous other great authors of the sixties onward. Why am i telling all these? Because these were the food I ate for my thoughts as i was growing up and i was an insatiable and voracious when it comes to becoming an addict to anything. I had filled my head to the max from the most holy and sanctified to most filthy and corrupted; no holds barred! 

Now i wonder why i think too much or where are they all arising from in my waking hours or my sleep; I am addicted to thinking, I am an obsessed thinker.

Why think so much.

Thoughts are like flies or worse mosquitoes buzzing around your ears and you end up slapping yourself silly with frustration and even anger. Not to worry thoughts are here to stay and very few, very very few can eliminate thoughts from their conscious minds completely. In the words of LaoTzy,"He who can stop their mind from thinking for three minutes can become the Emperor of China." Please do not quote me on this but I quote from memory that i came across such word sometime in the past. perhaps reading Alan Watts, or some such thinkers. In my quest over the years to come to an understanding of the workings of my mind, I have found that no man deals with the subject of thoughts more so than J.Krishnamurti as in just is all of his talks and writings he keeps the subject as the key note. I do not intend to reiterate his whole philosophy on the matter even if i claim to have a grasp on it somewhat; thought is a subject not easy to comprehend not even to the greatest of sages and savants, they were and are still like flies buzzing around their ears uninvited.

The subject of thoughts and the thinking mind however cannot be simply swept under the carpet of ignorance; it is thoughts that creates the Universe some wise men say or at least you own world. What you think is what you get and since there is so much thinking going on we get a whole mess of mass delusion and those able to think the loudes it seems leads the world towards its demise. When man was given 'free will' or the ability to think for himself and make choices on his own, it was a joke played on him an d it has come to be that it is indeed a deadly joke. Our collective human thoughts and ideas revolving around us in the atmosphere into the vast space of heaven itself, is turning into a psychic disaster like that of the plastic waste choking up the Port of Durban in South Africa. Our thoughts has both positive and negative vibes and the negative vibes are most toxic when expressed unchecked; there will be enough mind doctors to help figure this one out, to at least bring about a balance, not in my lifetime. What we have today i a runaway train of thoughts bearing loads of toxic vibes that shatter the very fabric of existence itself if left unchecked.

But who really pays attention to such bombastic claims anymore, like all these talks of self discovery, self empowerment, the power of thoughts and the Power of Now, consciousness and collective consciousness,yada, yada! Who has got the time of day? We are into 5G technology and high speed trains that can take one from Singapore to Beijing in a matter of hours if the Chinese have their way. We are into building higher and bigger while the land is sinking into the flood waters, we are busy chopping down forests and jungles to plant rows and rows of whatever crop that makes the most money in the market today, we are busy putting the animal kingdom to extinction one species after another with no qualms, we are busy setting new ways and means on how to eliminate our fellow human in the fastest and least complicated ways; we are a very busy specie out to annihilate itself. We have ultimately become a cancerous virus to the rest of the Universe and we live in the ultimate denial of it all; who has the time to dwell on subjects that does not make any sense anymore, like what is a thought?

While scientists and neurologists are relentless in trying to figure out what makes our brain tick, we are way ahead in getting ourselves blown to smithereens, why? Because the devil makes us do his job for him, or is it because of our bloody ignorance in not willing to make the effort o come to a right understanding of who or what we are what we are capable of. We have been put or so it seems into a survival mode with fear as our stimulus leading us towards becoming a zombie mob out to eat eachother's brains rather than use it to think, to figure out to understand. The ancient wise men has for ages been pointing out to us that it is all in the understanding of the workings of the mind that is crucial; what we think, how we think or when we think that really matters. Can the thinking mind be brought o silence? Can we achieve an absolutely quiet mind free from ant thought processes? Simply put, yes we can but we do not have to says ancient wisdom, because thoughts are an integral part of our genetic make up scientists are confirming; no thoughts means no existence, no matter, no time no space. It is the presence of thought that manifests our existing plane of existence.

So, what is thought, why think?  

Advice to myself.

Seek Silence for you have nothing more to prove aside from making noises like and empty drum. Seek Beauty as there is so much ugliness and discord in the world around you. Become a true seeker of Spiritual Enlightenment for nothing is worth finding that matters in the end. The journey may be long and winding full of holes and pitfalls, but get up, rebound and continue towards that which you seek, the goal is yours and yours alone; to attain liberation is to have lived life to the fullest. Good and bad, right and wrong are but a sickness of your own mind, become a healer of your own soul by right and complete understanding of who you truly are. Stop looking backwards too often and trudge on forward even when it all seems too bleak to comprehend. Never say die before your time is up, throw in the towel after it has been drenched by your blood sweat and Love with all your heart that you too will find Love in the hearts of others. Wake up! Stay awake and do not let them fool you.

In more than one way the world is spinning out of control, stay your course for no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, it is your way, your journey towards your destination. If you have to have Faith, have faith in who you are and become that which is truly your destiny; God will understand. If you have to be proud and defiant let it be because you have earned your birth right to be so; you have earned your Rights of Passage. Be humble and tread life with humility,walk with your eyes cast to the ground before you lest you step upon a sentient being crawling across your path. The eyes that likes to wander  is easily trapped by wonder and invites more baggage to be dealt with in the mind. Listen not to the discourse of others unless they are worth your while and merit attention. Politely retreat into your inner sanctum and allow for the external noises to die out without your attachment to them; these are just background music. Like a cork, float down the river bouncing off from rocks and debris but not getting lodged or stuck into any corner as you head towards the open sea; you are just another piece of Flotsam in this Ocean of Consciousness. 

Be kind to yourself before others will be kind to you, this is the law of the seeker of silence; all the mistakes and errors you have incurred are but grist for the mill of your own salvation. Look to no one and nothing for your own salvation, you are the master of your own ship, your own destiny; if there is anything worth believing, believe in this. Allow your heart to speak freely as it is the voice of the soul that speaks when the heart is pure and open, remain in silence if the heart has nothing to say. The Lord has given man two ears,  to listen more and speak less it is in silence that the heart  listens. 

Forgive me for my transgressions, correct me if I am wrong, help to see my way, lead me into the Light when I am lost in darkness; I am Your humble servant and I seek Your Divine Grace. This i ask of You on this Fasting day of the Month of Ramadan. Let my body feel the pain of hunger but allow for my soul to feel the gift of Salvation and Mercy. 
Amen! 











        

Rambling on...

My religious spiritual and moral track record has been deplorable and I have much to account for before my Maker. All I have is the faith in Him for his compassionate mercy as He is oft Forgiving and Merciful, I hold this to be my Truth as i lived my life through good and bad , thick and thin. I was allowed to explore and experiment with my life, in order that I might come to a right understanding of the whole matter; my life. While living in the United States for twenty one years of my adult life I forgot God existed and became unholy. It has taken me over thirty years to arrive in this moment in the time of my life, to admit my errors and seek repentance and forgiveness. I have led a most exciting life full of  bad judgements and poor mistakes, but exciting none the less as it had led me to many parts of the world and i have met many interesting souls along the way. People who allowed me to be who i was then and shared their lives with me, I can never recount all the great moments in my life while living in the US. I have much to regret in my relationships but I will not rob the good from the bad and salt to insults. I gave as much as I took and it all worked out for all as it was best that i walked away when it was time to end a relationship. I was not prepared to be tied down by any single event in my life for too long; it was an unwritten rule.

Good or bad i detached myself from one lifestyle, environment or a relationship and move on to the next often with not an idea what or where i was headed. I thought that i was destined to wander from one life into another for the purpose of experiencing and learning from each circumstances and environment. I lived in Wisconsin for 8 years mostly in Green Bay where the winter is about the  coldest in the who of the United States. I lived for two years in the Aleutian Chain off Alaska in the the Bering Sea of The Pacific Northwest and then I lived for ten years in the Bay Area of San Francisco. All these places became my experimental grounds for survival and spiritual awakening. I found many 'Helpers' along the way whose kindness and love i could never repay; they kept me alive and my gratefulness goes out to all of them and may they find it in their hearts to forgive me for my transgressions towards them. They were my Teachers and Gurus, they helped me find my way..

Where did the idea of life being an experiment came from? I read it in the Life of Mahatma Gandhi book and it got stuck in my mind and this was when I was in College at UWGB, in Wisconsin. I started becoming more absorbed into spiritualism when I took a class on Comparative Religion under an elderly Professor named Mr. Elmer Havens who became a mentor and close friend with. Mr. Havens talked me into looking deeper into spirituality that I might find the answers to what i was looking for and thus began my journey of self discovery - Who am I? Thanks to my professor who popped the question into my head way back when in his little office one warm winter afternoon.Next door to his office was the office of another poffessor who had a strong into my life as a student, His class was called Interpersonal Communications, Mr. Jack Frisch was a part Native American and had a very  good sense of the ways of cultural understanding.I was invited to give three lectures throughout the semester for this class of some 90 students. It helped to build my self confidence not to be afraid to stand before an audience and present my thoughts and ideas. 

It is often said that life has no meaning,  I simply say that it is true, until you give it one. You can make life one hell of an experience or one hell of a long tedious and boring trip; the choice is yours. To make life a little more exciting one has to make drastic or radical moves, accept challenges and take a step forward when others retreat, to thread like a fool where angels would not dare. To take a leap of faith every now and then to be able to perform miracles when need be. To play it safe and within the comfort zone is not fully living, it is the making of wrong choices that lessons are learned about what is right or wrong. To walk a safe and comfortable path will lead you to the end allot faster, or so it seems, but traveling the road less taken can become a way for the seeker as it opens many doors and exposes one to a greater sense of being than one would normally believe. There is as the saying goes a whole lot of world to see and a great deal of stuff to learn if one is willing to embark upon a journey of self discovery, it is a journey of a lifetime to those who are awaken to its calling. Highs and the lows as we go through life are just the bumpy rides as we move forward towards our self seeking goals. There are small paths and highways and there are many rivers to cross, many mountains to climb,at the end of the day you might just find yourself; who you truly are; if not such Is, Life.
 









 

Deep Ramblings of the Soul.

And the Buddha is said to have said, "Suffering is, None who suffers. Enlightenment Is but None who attains it." I read this somewhere a long time ago and it stuck to my mind. If I am not mistaken I came across these lines when I was living in Green Bay, Wisconsin and I was running into some rough times living as a student and part time security guard. I think these were the most crtical times in my life that led me to seeking an answer as to how to survive this life and live to tell about it. I know what they meant to me right then and helped me to move on towards setting myself free from the delusion about too much pain and suffering. I was slipping into becoming an alcoholic and drug addict, I was giving up; I found my Masters from the Books that I read while being a student cum Security Guard for J&J Security of Green Bay, Wisconsin.

The Eastern Philosophy of Zen school of Buddhism attracted my attention than most others, I have always had a strong spiritual connection to the Japanese culture  religious traditions. I started getting into all these Eastern Religious and Philosophy books, it was like returning home to my own roots, my own cultural heritage, that of the great Eastern Religions, Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism and Sikhism, Islam and Christianity. I became a spiritual seeker for lack of better word. I accepted my life as an experiment, a testing ground, to discover the answers to my questions primarily, Who am I? Whats i Mind? What is Consciousness? What is Energy and the source of this Energy? What/who is asking these questions? Me!! who am I? I am the one asking the questions. Why I am asking these questions? I cannot remember anymore! Does it really matter? Suffering Is, none who suffers. When the 'I' entity is no more, suffering too seize. Identifying with this imaginary self called I creates and attachment to life; I am what I think. I am the sum total of my thoughts, I am complete and perfect. I am that, I am...No More.

The extinguishing of the light of the pure soul energy within, the begining of the death process happens after I have surrendered it back to it's rightful owner; my Maker. My spiritual fantasies! This is to die with faith in Allah is the Rightful Owner of the essence that resides within ; the Divine Spark. This is to me, the spark plug that brings to life all that lives. The human body is run by an energy force that originates from this source in the center of the beating heart...The Temple of the Living God. This is where my Lord resides, not out there high above, but within me and within all living creatures. This is the source of energy that most scientists stops short of acknowledging as the Divine Spark, perhaps that which triggered off the Big bang is also that which fired up all the neuro activities in the brain. I am telling this to myself simply because I have two minor strokes in the past two days and the first one was quite serious, I almost passed out into unconsciousness or even death. I will not go into the details but suffice to say that what i am writing to myself now may be the last few advice I might have for myself when the eventual event happens; at least to make some sense out of the nonsense of my life. Like a broken record I will keep repeating myself telling stories of my past and future. 

"Nirvana Is, but none who attains it." this is climax of every soul that has arrived at the peak of enlightened understanding and transcended completely the circle of life, death and rebirth, it is Nirvana. The Complete and perfect liberation of the spirit from the bonds of ignorance and delusion, from attachment to the external material realm taking it to be the complete truth about existence thus causing yet more suffering, in our own minds. To attain enlightenment is to become at one with the complete whole, the Universe, the source of the origin and so forth, one merges into the One leaving no trace of one's former existence, thus the self is said annihilated that which is the Buddha is born; all beings, in the 6th realms, in the ten directions, past present and future, has the potential to become a Buddha in this lifetime; to attain enlightenment through being awakened completely to the realization of one's true Being, That which was there before your parents ever met. That original state of my existence I call my primordial soul, the Divine Spark, before I was conceived I was place among other similar entities of light flitting around waiting for our turns to evolve. This space to me is like being in the womb of the Universe. Here The Al Mighty had made a covenant with all the souls of man to worship or bow to only the One True God...Lord of the Universe; Al Hak the Owner (of Souls.)

The experiment began once one is placed into a  body a form, human or otherwise and down we come into our mother's womb to hang out swimming in water like a fish. Our destiny begins as soon as we left the refuge of our mother's womb, out into the external realm screaming, rarely does a  child comes out laughing and cheerful; the path of suffering begins, or so we accept. From the days when you were a toddler to the days when you can think like an adult, you go through life's education through your parents and peers, you become, a member of the whole; you join the Collective Consciousness of the tribe, the race, the nation. To most the 'Covenant we had with the Creator and Owner of who we are is forgotten and we created other Gods to worship, money being the most worshiped.Some of us succumbs to drinking and smoking while others to gambling and worse of all corruption these becomes our deities. But there also are those whose commitment and discipline has kept alive the covenant as the Judaic Christian, Islamic religions do. It is all a matter of faith off course, faith in the One True God, The Owner and Sustain-er of all Beings seen and unseen. He goes by many Names and in Islam He is known as Allah (SWT). 

Subhanallah!





























































 

Is there or is ther Not - a God?

In my opinion, the Lord Buddha was and is still the Greatest Scientist of all Time in Human History from the suffering, Spiritually as Scientifically speaking. For the sake of all sentient being He chose not to acknowledge nor reject the existence of a Creator or God; He neither accept nor deny, the freedom of choice from a free thinking mind. As a Muslim I would say that God greatest gift to man is the freedom to think as you wish, God does not require one to accept with blind faith in Him; he is the Tester of Faith. Buddha taught for man to have faith in himself to set your self free from the this illusion we call life; Life Death and Rebirth, a vicious circle that we are tagged to, stuck in a rut of ignorance. The Shakyamuni Buddha's journey was one of a Liberation from the Life of Suffering; the Historical Buddha did not found a Religion, He introduced aa Way of Life out of this vicious circle that we are currently attached to; first 'With Right Understanding'.

Throughout our human history we have been searching for answers  for what life is all about with a major interest in if the is or there is no God. What if we at the end of our Days discover one way or the other, would it really make any great difference in our life, fatted to live out life in pain and suffering. Scientists in my opinion should spend more of their time in research for a sustainable Planet in its entire aspect of a Utopian status, a Complete  and Perfect World for the existence of all sentient beings on this Planet. Not just to solve the problems we face but to help transcend these problems  Other than this all research in any form, is just a training of the mind, education to the Spirit, gathering information and knowledge towards Right Understanding. Is there a Divine entity, Is there an ultimate consciousness of a Being, All Encompassing, Omnipotent Spirit the religious calls God? Is there a meaning to Life? Where or what do I come from? Who Am I?

God's finest gift to man is 'Free Will', the ability to think independently nd come to your own conclusion as to what you think if the Right Understanding of your life, of what the ultimate truth of reality is, if there is or there is no God. For this reason alone I chose to follow the Buddha's path towards Liberation in practical day to day existence.' If not now, when?', if not here, where? One has to wake up to what is it that one is seeking, to be able to come o a complete understanding that none of these questions are relevant and leads to the cessation of human suffering, humanity, man has to live out his life in a complete ignorance of his original Buddha Nature, his God given soul his, strength and ower his, Godly attributes, that he is far greater than who or what he could think of himself; with Right Understanding he opens the gate towards the liberation of his spirit from the influences of forms or emptiness. Scientist keeps on splitting the atom till there is none to split, and all to Emptiness, while the religious keeps on adding forms to their practice. Perhaps are equally right in the methods or are equally wrong, the path has to be take either way, the research and the seeking for answers cannot and will not stop; this is the anture of the Mind, the free Will.Like any other gifts, divine or otherwise, you can either use it or abuse it, and it  is entirely up to your whim or understanding. Again is a matter of your personal choice hoe to interpret life according your 'Right Understanding'.














 

And The Show must go on....

"To see God is to Be God." Ramana Maharshi.

"Tao is the single principle underlining all Creation.
Tao is the principle, Creation is the process, 
Tao is God." - Tao in Everyday Life. (You Tube).

"To see a World in a Grain of Sand,
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, 
Hold Infinity in the Palm of Your Hand,
And Eternity in an Hour."- William Blake.

"In the Beginning was the Logos, the primordial Om,
The Big Bang!" - Inner Worlds - Outer World, a Spiritual Doc.

In these days and age knowledge comes at the fingertips if one so desire to know, to learn to understand what is that one seeks. From the ancient Rishis and Spiritual Grand Masters of today, knowledge is available for one who wishes to seek out the truth behind all the veils of our existence. Yet not too many of us takes advantage of this miracle of knowledge that lies in abundance before us from the most ancient and obtrusive to the most modern and scientific, from the most insignificant and mundane to the most profound and invaluable, it is all there and all one has to do is ask the right question. The desire to seek out the truth about anything and everything that crosses our mind is not being fully embedded into our psyche, at least in most of us, we squander our existence in mediocrity and the endless pursuit of the transient and ephemeral, the insignificant and the illusory; often without consciousness of doing it. If I were to read out loud the above quotes to the general public, my relatives and friends I would be looked upon like I have been smoking the wacky tobacky that has recently been legalized in the country. ( Not this country where I am unfortunately).

"Among all Kings of Killers.
Time is the ultime,
Because it kills everything." - Lord Krishna.

As my time is running its course out, I am as unsure nor prepared to meet up with the inevitable; I cannot say to myself that i am ready to accept death as yet. I cannot at the end of my days truly say that I have the answers like the Buddha did. I am as blind as I ever was in the understanding of my spiritual nature, who am I? How far or how near am I to the truth that I seek, or if there is even such a thing as 'the truth'. All i have is accumulated knowledge, years of meditaiton and tons of books read and now with the modern aid of the Internet, I am still groping in the dark with no light at the end of the tunnel. But I have made the commitment, taken the vows and put the  ball of fire in my belly, I have sworn to attain enlightenment as complete as the historical Buddha did in his lifetime. As I have repeatedly mentioned in the past, in the words of Pink Floyd; The Show must go on. 





 




  

The true Jihad -Within.

" We used to wonder where war lived,
what it was that made it so vile.
And now we know where it lives,
That it is inside of our selves." - Albert Camus.

I was moved by this quote that i got at the end of a movie called, The Stick (1987) about a war that took place in South Africa.
Directed by Darrell Roodt Writing Credits Darrell Roodt ... (writer) and Carole Shore ... (writer) Anant Singh ... producer. I am writing about the movie but about the quote which appeared as the movie came to an end. The quote reminded me of the saying of the Prophet of Allah, (PBUH) when he mentioned Jihad,  that after winning a battle at Uhud if I amnot mistaken, the Prophet was said to have said that, " You may have won won a battle, but the greater war is raging within you and this is the was you have to win." or something like that. I am sure Camus was not alluding to this saying of The Prophet, but his words resonates the truth about humanity as we are so attached to the external that we fail to see the reality behind our actions. That carry within us the potential to commit atrocities within our hearts and minds, the our subconscious mind is a pressure cooker of  suppressed anger and negative energies. If not checked these energies will manifest into a reality in the form of a middle finger pointing at a driver of another vehicle that had overtaken you or it will take the form of an uncontrolled snap at someone you love over a minor issue.

This battle is waged by the splintered soul that functions through a dual thinking mind. The right and wrong, black and white thinking process of a stoic ego dominated mental formations of thoughts and ideas that are mostly self centered. In Islam it is called the 'Nafs', the never satiated entity  that will always crave for more and brays like a donkey when its needs are being obstructed. The true essence of the fasting month of Ramadan is to bring forth the realization of this entity that we call the ego. Thirst and hunger are a few of the means that an ego or the nafs can be bent or made to become more humble and less demanding. When the ego is well fed, well clothed and well entertained, it demands for more power, more authority, more domination over others including, to becoming masters of the universe at whatever cost. Humanity today is ruled by collective ego, that looks upon itself as the master race, the advanced civilized nation, the superior and will do all it can collectively to maintain a staus quo over the rest of humanity. When two opposing collective ego meets, war happens, just as fist fights breaks out when two drunks have a difference of opinions.

The question is, how can and can we, ever subjugate the egoic mind that has become innate in our own being, or can we remove it from our genetic equation? This is the question that has plagued man for as long as when he started thinking for himself. The President of the United States is considered the most egotistical maniac to sit in the oval office by most Americans and those who rooted for him believes that he is what is needed to carry the country forward in this era. His counterparts, both in Russia and China are no less in virtues but they are not as brazen and over confident as the American President is. But all three are in a collision course one way or another as they carry on their rhetoric and foreign policies according to their egotistical cravings and attachments. Every one wants to become ahead, a leader, and plays the one up game without restraint and the ego like to be complemented and suckered up to. Thus we have lesser countries taking advantage of this egotistical flaws to get their agenda worked out. Thus in the name of a system, democracy and communism, religious or economic, war is ever ready to be waged one agains another at all levels and it is not getting any easier.




  

Ramadan Mubarak - The Fasting Month is here.

Even though some rocks are best left un-turned, the past experiences bitter as some may have seemed needs to be looked into with an open mind so as to understand what went wrong and why. It may not benefit myself personally in the effort to heal our relationship, I feel it is most important to have a thorough understanding of what had transpired over the years as both my brother an I grew up and went our separate ways. Both of us i would consider to be highly intelligent and productive individuals capable of rational and positive thinking. As we grew into adulthood i found out that our misunderstanding has grown into that of intellectual as well as spiritual in nature; we see and accept things differently through the influences of external stimulus and relationships, our studies and research into life from two different perspectives; we never gave ourselves for deliberations and discussions as two adults but more like two children ill at ease with one another to even carry out a decent conversation. much less discuss anything deeper and more meaningful like faith and religion. We still carried with us the past painful experiences we had in childhood and th scars seemed to highlight themselves every time we got closer to each other, however I feel the scars are now pretty much faded and the healing process is taking affect,; I hope so. At the risk of dragging upon this topic I am going to give it a rest and watch for the development as i have been doing all these years.
Today is the first day of the fasting Month of Ramadan and today i have had a bad day thus far on top being hungry and a migraine headache, I had also lost Rm30 which i had wanted to filled up my car with but which I totally forgot after i had driven off. I swore out lud in the car fasting or not and I hope Allah is merciful and understanding enough o forgive me. Then I went to have my ear worked on by an ear doctor and it cost me RM260, I felt like being fleeced, it cost so much to have your ear cleaned! I walked away again pissed forgetting the medication that came with it. I still owe the clinic RM110 which I have to pay tomorrow. When I left the place it was pouring rain and I had left the car window slightly lowered and so the passenger seat was soaked. Hence my first day of Ramadan begins with a more than a sour note.

Such is, the Buddha said, life is a bitch and then you die, or was it Alan Watts who said it no matter close enough. I find it hard to keep my head bowed like a servant although I had made the vows to do so as a Bodhisattva, serving others while working on myself. It is getting harder and harder as I see so much crap around me, the greed hate and delusion that seems never to abate but keeps on rising in the forms of  sorrow and pain which is inflicted by one man onto another. The arrogance and the insensitivity of human nature in everyday walk of life, it is sad, it has become pathetic. But I know I simply have to keep on fine tuning my practice at self discovery if not self discipline or at least not to loose my patience and create more negative karma while dealing with others. For so long as I am breathing and in this body, I will have to go on, end of story.

The Month of Ramadan has always spelled hard times for me in the past in more than one way but it has also been one of the toughest practice to follow and had kept me resolved in taking further steps into self discovery especially my relationship with my Maker. It would sound insane for someone who holds no believe or much less any form of personal practice towards having a realization into the nature of the human mind and spirit; it is allot of hard work and most makes as little sens. My error perhaps was because i had decided to take upon myself to embark upon this long and tedious journey simply because i have too many unanswered questions about who I am and where I belong, if I had ever belonged. It might all end up into nothing worthwhile for all I know but i sure hope at the very least it will help  me to lighten my burden before I cross over to the other shore even as my time is getting to be very near to the end. I am not looking for forgiveness,  or doing it out of guilt or even fear, I am on this path as the Buddha did, to find out the truth behind this delusion I call life, to tera away all the layers of the veils that has hidden from me what is reality and how I can liberate myself from this cycle of life, death and rebirth. All I want to do is go home, merge with the One that had created it all, the One essence in whose image I  have been forged, in Whose virtues I have been dressed up with to play my role in this life He has created for me.  



























 

 




 
 

We think different-

How does one put nto practice the practice of Karuna or Compassion, which irony that my twin brother's Singhalese name which was Karuna Nanda, while mine was Nanda Sena, both s/o Simone Bartholomuze. My faher came from Ceylon as we knew it back then or Sri Lanka as it is known today. I have never been there but hope to spend a week or two with my daughter there one day still in the planning. I can say  it is out of Compassion I have for myself that I have made every effort to try not to loose or severe our bond as brothers. In Islam, it is a cardinal sin for one to severe the bond or  "Siratul Rahim", of blood siblings. It is out of compassion for both of us that I still will pursue towards a closer ties towards attaining unconditional Love between us as we were in our mother's womb. Whatever bitter conflicts that he had between us for the past seventy years; they are a thing of the past, grill for the mill, water under the bridge.

This healing process will take time and in time I hope we will come to know and respect each other's life and accomplishments as a rich experience for both of us.It would have been boring if we had grwon old looking identical and being identical doing the same identical things in life. Allah in His Infinite Wisdom must have wanted it to be so, that we both have a mirror of 'what if', you had been born an hour earlier? What a difference half an hour makes looking at both our lives, the path it had taken. In my quest for an answer as to who am I, I am also thrown the challenge that I have someone up close and personal to compare to whenever I need to appraise myself.  Albeit in thoughts, words or deeds, I cannot avoid but wonder every now and then what my twin's reaction or understanding would be towards what I experience; not a good habit but still unavoidable. 
to be contd.

Healing - My relationship with my Twin Brother.

There is saying in Malay, Air di cincang takkan terputus. or in English, no matter how much you chop up the water you can never split it in half, it will reconnect itself. I believe in this saying, the fact that my twin brother and will one day in our lives find peace and reconciliation at least before any one of us dies unexpectedly; it happens. We came into this world within half an hour of each other and he came out first and I became the seventh and the youngest in my family. I was given up for adoption to my mother's younger brother to be raised as his own son. My uncle was a Buddhist and had raised me as one while my brother was raised a Muslim by my immediate family. We were saperated at birth, this was primarily the cause of our not seeing eye to eye as we grew into adulthood. Forgiveness and reconciliation and unconditional acceptance in a relationship is a tough virtue to practice especially when the conflict has taken for so long to be resolved. This was what I felt when visiting my twin brother in Kuala Terengganu. Although born hardly half an hour apart, my brother and I never saw eye to eye and has always been at logger head with one another throughout our entire 70 years of life.It  has been one my if not our conundrum that had haunted me often carrying with it sadness and a sense of loss..

 
I have grown up with this mirror image of myself which is almost the opposite in character as well as outlook in life and I have made the major error of comparing ourselves instead of  cherishing our differences. However ihave also been emulating his stronger traits whenever I needed time to evaluate myself, not all of his ways are to my liking but most are worth emulating especially in ways of how one deals with life's more challenging situations; how would have my brother dealt with such an event or situation? I will not go into details of our  past experiences as it is what it is a thing of the past, but I look forward  to our relationship with greater hope for a healing process to develop and that we can become one whole and powerful individuals in facing our future from henceforth. As my daughter told me, one of the things my brother mentioned to her was that to let bygone be bygone and the two of us will look ahead to a better more healthy relationship. I am very glad that we visited and stayed with my twin brother and his wife last weekend, it was a significant change in both our lives  for the better. 

Exactly a week ago today we went to the mosque for the Friday prayed and i felt the bond between us being sealed as two souls that had occupied the same womb. I may not be as pious as he is but my heart felt like we it had been somewhat healed from the yearn for the love that I never felt for the past 70 years as brothers. It is a blessing and I hope and pray that nothing will stand in its way ever again as we head into our matured age. May Allah make us whole and complete again as we once were while in our mother's womb. It is with hope that i look into the future and the past while left behind will always be a great lesson for both of us in how we look at each other and from the opposite side of the mirror.


























 

Kuala Terengganu Revisited.

Kuala Terengganu, the capital city of Terengganu has change tremendously since i last visited it, it has evolved into a crowded but beautiful city with lots of its charms and beauties still  can be experienced. My eldest brother asked that we drove along the river mouth or Kuala area so my daughter can see what was happening a sight which included the new drawbridge built across the Terengganu Rive mouth. It was too dark to see as the lighting was not ready yet but i enjoyed the sight and the unsightly as we wound our way through the narrow streets. I kept commenting to myself about how most cities like to built but they fail to maintain once they have built, garbage from the night's market was strewn haphazardly along the sidewalks like some attitudes never change. I grew up as a teen ager in this town for twelve years of my life, I was converted to Islam in this town. Getting my foreskin nipped at the Hospital was one of the most painful experience hard to forget. My teenage school buddies were among the most intelligent and gifted as today amny holds high ranking positions in the government and local industries. Our teachers including my eldest brother, were those who had returned from Kirby and Brmsford Lodge in England and thus  we were fortunate to have had them as our role models. Among them were arists like the late Redza Piyadasa and Ibrhim Isamil, Chew Teng beng and Yeo Jin Leng and Christopher Lai, among others whose works are among the sought after in the Malaysian Art market, whose reputation as art teachers is well accepted by  the locals and international art community. 

The vast open sea and the stretches of sandy beaches, the thick rain forest of the hinterland and swaths of rice fields was my source of inspiration growing up as a teenager in the small town of Kuala Terengganu during  the sixties and early seventies. Today it has joined the rat race among the other cities in the country with traffic as heavy and buildings sprouting all over; it has lost the nostalgic laid back fishing village ambiance of old. Hardly see a kite in the skies nor a fighting fish in the homes, the children have joined the high tech video dimension of existence.     

The South China Sea- here I come.

Yesterday morning at sunrise I  was floating on my back swayed by the waves on the East Coast where I stayed atmy twin brother's house by the sea in Marang, Terengganu. I drove with my daughter  leaving Penang at ten on Thursday night,we rented a car online and I was very impressed at how easy it all seems and all depending upon mutual trust and respect for the users. My daughter insisted that  we wahed and vacuumed the car when we left it back at the parking lot; I was impressed that my daughter has learned much about life in this dayb and age, she is a survivor. She took care of all the strategics and logistics and my copilot It was fun driving a relatively new car that drives smoothly and most important well lit;  i enjoyed my Kancil having driven that little car ten times back and forth across the mountain ranges of the Titiwangsa,  the spine of the Malay Peninsular,that diivides the East from the West Coasts; I miss my Kancil. I kept telling myself its alright to enjoy the  small compensation to make up for the age,at least from the Safety perspective. So the latest Viva gets my rating as a safe and comfortable car to drive long or shrt distances, there I did a commercial! My way of saying thanks from both my daughter and ; it was like driving an upgraded Kancil.

It took eight hours to reach  Kuala Terengganu, from Georgetown, Penang at a decent speed, I drive decent. Driving through the East West Highway from the town of Grik, in theState of Perak located just at the edge of where the the East West begins heading towards the East Coast States of Kelantan and Terengganu along with the State of Pahang has some of the most beautiful sandy beaches there is, facing the South China Sea. The Malay folks are charming and
take pride in their cultural heritage in Arts and Craftsmanship. They make good food in their own style and are famous for their own fish products of Keropok. I hope I can see a little bit more before time cuts short my mental and  physical will to drive for eight hours through the night  across the thick forest of the Titiwangsa Range. I am grateful to Allah for the safe journey, Alhambullilah! I enjoyed well still do enjoy driving especially driving a car you are most comfortable with, your own. I would sing or zikr or i would entertain nasty thoughts, my mind kept me entertained as i drive, then every now and then I would take a deep breath and let it out and do a litlle meditatio on the road; I am the car and the car is a part of who I am, we become one just like good horse rider becomes one with his mount. Meditate on the road and at nothing in particular but just forms and emptiness zipping by you, you just follow the lines and stay between the lines no matter what cause its darkness all around you otherwise. Mindfulness Driving I call it. We all do this all those who enjoy long drives through the dark.

When you drive eight hours straight through the night you are sitting in meditation, doing Zazen or sitting meditation focused on your breath and watching the mind body works in-sync,  watching the breath rise and fall, trying your damnedest not to fall asleep on the wheels. One of the ways of being in spiritual solitary,like seeking a cave or a quiet hut is to drive alone in the night and watch  your mind for two or three hours at a time while asking yourself the ultimate question; why do I keep doing this to myself? and the answer would always returns to, this is who I am,  at the moment, enjoying one of my practices in life, being comfortably alone yet exhilarating in my mind and body as it involves danger and risk to the car and me. I do not invite death but I know death is not too far away from me and I have lived a life worth taking; surrender my self to the universe and the unseen and my faith in my what I am capable of; I cannot say I am not afraid but if death lurks around the next bend, I will have to embrace it willingly, this is the risk I take upon myself, body, mind and spirit.

I you are looking for laid back place where the beaches stretches as far as your eyes can see and the sea is still green, visit the East Coast States of Kelantan, Terengganu and Pahang,  lots of sunshine and good food no doubt and a spiritually uplifting experience you will have whether you like it or not when you wake up to the call to prayer from the mosques around you to start your day as the sun rises from across the horizon of the South China Sea, revealing in  blazing colors,  the Isand of Kapas ,you meditate on it. As the gentle warm sea breeze blows through you, you surrender to that state of peace in mind body and spirit...and this too will pass!






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If not Now-When?- Dedicated to those who died in the Sri Lankan Bombings

How does one keep on perusing a course of action in life that would ultimately become synchronized with the core of your being who you are. You belief system, your faith,your habitual tendencies and so on. How does one become fully assimilated into one's practice in life after having lived for seven decades and experiencing as much as the mind could gather of knowledge and wisdom or trials and errors of right and wrong such that it becomes a part and parcel of one's so called identity or personality. This is who I am I say, but who am I who keeps evolving into something that i never thought I could be when there is a change in the course of all these triggered by some unforeseen event or occurrence shifting my consciousness into some new paradigm, some new direction or course of action? All I can say is to keep on going with the flow, adapting and accepting what is and moving on to the next event as they arises. Nothing is fixed in concrete or carved in stones as life is ever evolving, metamorphosing, however it is still up to me to adapt with wisdom and intelligence, to take each and every changing steps with caution and determination.

Where is these leading me up to? Why the need to become so immersed into this self seeking, self, realization, this years of 'soul searching towards realizing the truth of what it is all about? It is because this is all that is of vital interest and importance for me; to make sense out of all the nonsense and embrace the right understanding of the meaning of my existence on this plane. I am endowed with this sense faculties that demands to be ultimately used to the best of my ability as a thinking entity; "I think, therefore I am." to quote Descarte, I believe he was partly right. However what happens when I stop thinking, which most spiritual practitioners ancient and modern yogi has been trying to achieve myself included. Perhaps many have succeeded in this quest during their lifetime, some for a moment in time while others throughout their lives or so them claim. The silencing of the mind is the cessation of thought formations, the pausing of the flow of life that enables for change to happen for better or worse. Just like when we shift the gear from one to another speed, there is a brief moment of neutrality, so does the mind when making a change of subject, there is pause in between.

In this state neutrality there is the possibility of  catching a glimpse of what is, an insight into reality that is clear and lucid even if it is strictly personal in nature and brief in moment. This is my understanding, of what i have been striving to attain on my road towards my own salvation; if it benefits me in some small way it will help benefit others in the course of their lives, those who cross my path in one form or another. Many strive to attain the "Creative spirit" or creative mind, seeking to find the originality and the genuine, but few has taken the mantle to do so without giving up. I do not intend to give up my quest, futile and idiotic as it may seem, I intend to untangle  the tangle and enlighten my spirit before the end of my days. If I cannot attain enlightenment and libraton in this lifetime, I would deem my life as it is a total waste of space and time. I deserve to be thrown into the avichi hell.

In Buddhism, Avīci (Sanskrit and Pali for "without waves" – Chinese and Japanese: 無間地獄, Wújiàn dìyù and 阿鼻地獄, Ābí dìyù) or Avichi is the lowest level of the Naraka or "hell" realm, with the most suffering, into which the dead who have committed grave misdeeds may be reborn. Wikipedia.

The Buddha is said to have said that it is in this human form that one stand the best chances of attaining liberation, so  no time to waste. The human race is entering into its darkest moments and there is rise in evil forces initiating chaos through brutality and murder. It is in need of answers more so than ever towards the understanding of the human factor. Yesterday, they bombed several religious buildings and hotels in Sri Lanka claiming over 160 lives and many wounded and we ares till reeling from the Christchurch New Zealand carnage. Evil is on the rise no matter who claims responsibility for the incident. The human mind is becoming infested with hate and ignorance if not greed that underlies all these incidents. It is more imperative for all those who are on the road towards awakening that we strive even harder to find the healing process for this illnesses.   

  











       

Time to untangle the tangle.

It's Friday, soon I will hear the call to prayer from the Masjid Negeri or the State Mosque.I have made my pray to my Lord in my own way earlier before i sat to meditate and contemplate, then ,now writing a post on my Blog not knowing what to expect to come out from my subconscious and wakeful mind. Listening to the sound of flute from an American Indian, sounds like one is sitting somewhere in the Organ Pipe mountains in Southern most part of the Mainland  United States, on the boarder between the US and Mexico where the Organ Pipe Mountain rage ends in the Sonora  Desert of Southern Arizona: I was there and did that.  The sound of the wind that blows through the the organ like spires of vertical pillars of rocks stacked one upon another, sounded like the sound of this flute in my ears.I have an affinity whatever that means with the Spirit of the American Indians,like blood brothers just as i feel I have the connection with the Japanese Artists in history and today.

Life is about making a story, playing a role, reaching in and reaching out to find the truth to what is or not what it should be, is this 'Reality itself?' Is this the of Ultimate and complete, Consciousness  the realm of non-duality, the One with the Maker. Not so long as there is stil the witness, the observer- the mind. Mind has to cease to exist in any state or form from the state of consciousness of a soul. I use the word soul loosely to mean no further than that which, I am in the present state of  learning and understanding, who am I?What precious little time I have left, I hereby am sharing with you my reader whoever or wherever you are, that you may touch my heart with your consciousness to help me on my journey to the end. 

The Lord Krishna's flute was once asked by one of the Gopis, "What makes you so special, that the Lord touches you with his lips?" The flute replied, "Nothing special, I am but just a hollow reed through which I allow my Lord to blow his breath into the sound of eternal music." I am but an empty vessel into which I allow knowledge to pour into and be boiled to produce wisdom; I am only a Buddha's begging bowl seeking Right Understanding,Right Mindfulness and Right Consciousness of Being, who I am. In this present moment in space and time, writing this post, listening to an American Indian flute music... is this all there is to who I am? It is Friday and it is doubtful that i will go to the Friday Prayer and I have stopped going for qite a while now and yest it disqualifies me to be called a Muslim,  I acept this. As i mentioned earlier, I did my prayers in my own way earlier this morning and later in the morning. I have strong faith that my Lord is listening to me and; all I can say I just have this feeling deep inside of me that I am forgiven. I am more of a spiritual than a religious person, I am an Eclectic, I pick and choose the best of all choices between what i would consider worthy or unworthy of being accepted as the truth for me.