Ramadan Mubarak - The Fasting Month is here.

Even though some rocks are best left un-turned, the past experiences bitter as some may have seemed needs to be looked into with an open mind so as to understand what went wrong and why. It may not benefit myself personally in the effort to heal our relationship, I feel it is most important to have a thorough understanding of what had transpired over the years as both my brother an I grew up and went our separate ways. Both of us i would consider to be highly intelligent and productive individuals capable of rational and positive thinking. As we grew into adulthood i found out that our misunderstanding has grown into that of intellectual as well as spiritual in nature; we see and accept things differently through the influences of external stimulus and relationships, our studies and research into life from two different perspectives; we never gave ourselves for deliberations and discussions as two adults but more like two children ill at ease with one another to even carry out a decent conversation. much less discuss anything deeper and more meaningful like faith and religion. We still carried with us the past painful experiences we had in childhood and th scars seemed to highlight themselves every time we got closer to each other, however I feel the scars are now pretty much faded and the healing process is taking affect,; I hope so. At the risk of dragging upon this topic I am going to give it a rest and watch for the development as i have been doing all these years.
Today is the first day of the fasting Month of Ramadan and today i have had a bad day thus far on top being hungry and a migraine headache, I had also lost Rm30 which i had wanted to filled up my car with but which I totally forgot after i had driven off. I swore out lud in the car fasting or not and I hope Allah is merciful and understanding enough o forgive me. Then I went to have my ear worked on by an ear doctor and it cost me RM260, I felt like being fleeced, it cost so much to have your ear cleaned! I walked away again pissed forgetting the medication that came with it. I still owe the clinic RM110 which I have to pay tomorrow. When I left the place it was pouring rain and I had left the car window slightly lowered and so the passenger seat was soaked. Hence my first day of Ramadan begins with a more than a sour note.

Such is, the Buddha said, life is a bitch and then you die, or was it Alan Watts who said it no matter close enough. I find it hard to keep my head bowed like a servant although I had made the vows to do so as a Bodhisattva, serving others while working on myself. It is getting harder and harder as I see so much crap around me, the greed hate and delusion that seems never to abate but keeps on rising in the forms of  sorrow and pain which is inflicted by one man onto another. The arrogance and the insensitivity of human nature in everyday walk of life, it is sad, it has become pathetic. But I know I simply have to keep on fine tuning my practice at self discovery if not self discipline or at least not to loose my patience and create more negative karma while dealing with others. For so long as I am breathing and in this body, I will have to go on, end of story.

The Month of Ramadan has always spelled hard times for me in the past in more than one way but it has also been one of the toughest practice to follow and had kept me resolved in taking further steps into self discovery especially my relationship with my Maker. It would sound insane for someone who holds no believe or much less any form of personal practice towards having a realization into the nature of the human mind and spirit; it is allot of hard work and most makes as little sens. My error perhaps was because i had decided to take upon myself to embark upon this long and tedious journey simply because i have too many unanswered questions about who I am and where I belong, if I had ever belonged. It might all end up into nothing worthwhile for all I know but i sure hope at the very least it will help  me to lighten my burden before I cross over to the other shore even as my time is getting to be very near to the end. I am not looking for forgiveness,  or doing it out of guilt or even fear, I am on this path as the Buddha did, to find out the truth behind this delusion I call life, to tera away all the layers of the veils that has hidden from me what is reality and how I can liberate myself from this cycle of life, death and rebirth. All I want to do is go home, merge with the One that had created it all, the One essence in whose image I  have been forged, in Whose virtues I have been dressed up with to play my role in this life He has created for me.