The Secret to Life.?

 Listening to the Gregorian chant on You Tube at four in the morning after doing some meditation and  stretching with my bamboo staff a little later. It has become a habit for the past year or so that this has been happening without fail as my wake up call is a very persistent cat that claws at the side of my bed to wake me up as exactly 3am to be fed. Now armed with a cup of hot Necafe black, I am making this Blog entry of who knows what as I really have np idea whatsoever anymore to write about and so I am letting it flow along with whatever that comes. The chant has raised my inner energy level with the tightening at my forehead where the third eye is supposed to be located and this happening too has become an accepted habit whenever i start to sit and chant or listen to one,I have myriads of choices to listen to including,the verses from the Holy Quran and other religious scriptures to Native American shamanic chants, Tibetan deep throat chants and most powerful of all the Om chants. How privileged we are in this modern day and age where it is all at the fingertips.

It is said by some that the next level of human consciousness development will be through sound and vibrations and so I feel like i am on track without even making an attempt to be so where my spiritual practice is concern and yes it works for whatever it is worth. There is a sense of peacefulness that comes along as I stroke Furby my daughter's cat that sits on the chair beside mine and with it a sense of Love of unconditional Love for the well being of the universe itself that emanates from the heart encompassing the Whole within and without. Nothing out of the ordinary, this feelings. but they are there nonetheless and this feelings are getting more apparent I notice over time replacing negative vibes and thoughts that used to inhabit my mind in the past, not too long ago.

Other than listening to chants and scriptural recitations I find that listening to the more contemporary of sound recordings that is suggested would help to activate or raise the resonant or vibrations in the brain to trigger one form of healing or another to be very helpful too. These i have to take it on faith and as experiments hoping that the videos done are done with thorough research and does what they are suppose to do. I believe in what is said about the next level of brain development as well as mental and spiritual well being and energizing is through sound and vibrations and am willing to experiment further into the use of these videos especially as my background sound as I write or paint on top of listening to good music such as Hans Zimmer or Kitaro or Ravi Shankar.  The repetitious Gregorian Chant is still running through my head and I am also having  good chat with an old friend from Green Bay,  Wisconsin by the name of Jerry Sule who is in his fifties now and a grand father. I traveled with Jerry from Green bay all the way to Southern New Mexico State in the 70s; he was about 17 years of age. 

There is no secret to life other than the ones you created. 

"You had an influence in my upbringing." - Jerry Sule











 










 

Merdeka!- Malaysian National Day message.

When the first Malaysian Prime Minister, the late Tunku Abdul Rahman Putra Al Haj was raising his fist and exclaiming, "Merdeka!" I was six years of age waving a small flag among my fellow primary school mates of Malays, Chinese and Indians at Padang Kota Lama or the Esplanade. I had no idea what was happening then but was thrilled none the less that i did not have to be in classes for the day and the following day was also a holiday. We watched the military parades and were thrilled by the flyover by the Royal Australian Airforce planes. Although vague in my memory it i was still a day I remember because my uncle was in the parade as a member of the Civil Defence Force (CD). As the Tunku was hailing a new era in our history, I was enjoying being among my friends fellow Penangites (Anak Pulau Pinang), having a good time.

Today the Independence Day has taken a different kind of meaning for most of us Malaysians, we are no more as united as we used to be, no more patriotic and no more genuine in our declaration of a nationhood. Today each and every one of us are troubled by how the country has come to divide itself and how it has become a victim to scandalous corruption and racial discord. Today the flag is the only thing that symbolizes the true meaning of our nationhood and even the flag has become a victim to controversy of late. Face it, we are not what we used to be as a nation and we are a nation living is denial of an impending upheaval , as in the words of our present Prime Minister, not too long ago, we are a nation sitting on a time  bomb and the sooner we wake up to realize this the better for us or for the future of our children and theirs. We have to stop kidding ourselves and stop being made tools for those who are exploiting every possibility into making a fast buck out of the the lack of interest and even ignorance we have been showing with our "tidak apalah" or "never mind la" spirit. 

If there is any meaning to our Independence it has to be our freedom from the noose that has been run through our noses to be dragged by the power that be in any direction they deem fit to suit their interests. It is the freedom from the very men and women we elected into office to run this country whose salaries we pay and whose promises we have bought hook, line and sinker. It is the freedom from our own self serving ignorance that we have to be independent from, we have become a nation that is being played about by those who does it simply because they can; we live in fear of the retribution for they hold the laws at their convenience. As a nation we the people have to become aware of the truth even if it hurts us to accept it, for only the truth can set us free. 

Merdeka! My fellow Malaysians! Wake Up! Stay Awake! Don't let them fool You!









   

TThis I ask my God.

Are we all trapped in the matrix of our own making? Is our lives predestined as to the outcome at the end of our days here on this plane. Are we merely puppets dangling at the end of strings that is held and manipulated by unseen hands? There are those who believe we are. That we exist just for the sake of fulfilling our obligations of being here like it is our privilege to be so and thus having to pay our dues in one form or another. Then along came the like of Gautama, the historical Buddha who questioned this state of our affairs and refuses to play the same game as the rest of humanity and opted to step out of the circle or box as the case may be and sought out the truth to the matter. Challenging the Gods and the Deities, breaking the yoke of a life of comfort and ease, the Buddha stepped into the unknown in search of the answers to his questions about who he was and what was life all about. Why the suffering, the inequity, the injustices that has plagued mankind and how to put an end to it. The Buddha was an iconoclast who broke out of the matrix, the circle of life, death and rebirth, better known as the vicious circle that we are all trapped into from the day we were born to the day we die.

Is humanity living in a collective denial? Are we as a specie living in abject blindness, being led by guide dogs everywhere we go and everything we do? Are we being shaped and formed by some unseen hands, being exploited for a unholy purpose, like cattle and sheep being led towards the slaughterhouse? What we are doing to ourselves, to the environment and to the planet  itself points towards our self destructive nature rather than our inherent wisdom as homo sapiens, Man, created in the image of God. Are we, created in the image of God? We sure do not act like it, we have become much worse than the beasts of the wild, we kill our own for -pleasure, for money for power and we destroy our habitat that we share with the rest of sentient beings with impunity like we are the sole owner of this planet. We justify every action we take in the name of development and prosperity and are proud of our so called civilization. What is wrong with this picture? Who is writing the script, who is pulling the strings?

How can we collectively step out of this trap that we have allowed ourselves into; do we even care? Or should we with great hope and faith hand it to God to resolve it like those who the time of the Buddha who ruled man through their divine matrix. The Gods or God that had created inequity and suffering of man as a pawn in the game we call life. Personally I ask these questions for myself of the God that I have my faith in, whether I will be answered to or not in this life is irrelevant, however I would like to let it be known that I will not be marched blindly to my grave accepting all the crap that i have witnessed and experienced in my lifetime. I may not become a Buddha in this lifetime, however i will walk my path as a Bodhisattva and serve those who are in need and help to heal those who are too blind to see from stepping into the same shit hole life after life. As to my Lord all I can say is, "No Sir, everything is not okay from where I stand. You Sir, will have to rewrite the script." 



 



 







 


 

Wake Up! and Stay Awake! - reminder.

My mind is saturated with endless thoughts , inundated by ceaseless imaginations and fed never ending by myriads of distractions from within and without and I sometimes feels like drowning into insanity. It is my fault none the less for being ignorant and lacking in the will to eradicate and eliminate my habitual tendencines, fro not being able to uproot my ancient twisted karma from the fields of my consciousness. As I get older it seems it gets worse instead of better despite the fact that i do my meditations and more so and often with deeper intensity. There is however noticeable changes as I find it easier to slip into silence more easily when I sit. My mind drops all its rattlings much more readily and I find myself in a state of peaceful contemplation and often in silent prayers especially in asking for forgiveness and protection from my Lord. Forgiveness for my weaknesses and transgressions committed in the past present and future and protection from my own selfish desires that I am not able to remove even at this later stage in my life.

 When in doubt or overcome by excessive mental cluttering I would almost automatically find myself uttering, Astaghfirullah al Azim or Ar GafuruRohim, begging for the mercy of  the All Merciful and Oftorgivng. And when I do this i find my mind immediately settling down in to silence and a more clear state of consciousness pervades in me. The Prophet of Allah is said to have said that uttering this yearning for forgiveness from the Lord of Mercy is the most potent of all recitatitons for a sinner;  of which I am one. My mind would forever be on hand to confirm my errors and transgressions in the past  , present and perhaps into the future, it is like I am trapped into this state of  self created bondage. It is no doubt that I am trapped into this state by my own ignorance in not being able to free myself from the delusion that my mind has set up for me. I have become a victim of my own stupidity in not being able to see the mind for what it is; a parasite that feeds on my guilt and habitual tendencies. 

My self identity, like being attached to who I have assumed my self to be has become an almost fixed state that I have accept to be the true me and thus I ramble on and on like an idiot lost in my own self created maze. Get off the roller coaster you fool, stop entertaining this madness that has got you trapped like hamster in a cage running in circles. You are not who you think you are and that you have established some two thousand five hundred years ago when you were enlightened! Wake up you fool! Stay awake! Don't let the monkey mind fool you! Is this not what you have learned at the Zen monastery where you have sat on your butt facing the Dharma wall for two years! What a  bloody waste of time for here you are still masturbating yourself to fall asleep! Wake Up! before the wake up call is laid on your miserable back like it has often happened in the past. You get lazy and complacent after making a small achievement, slip sliding back into the old, fuck if I care, attitude like you own this Dharma realm. Fuck what others think, if they read or not what you are rambling about, this is your verbal diarrhea, your regurgitation, nothing to do with anyone else. The sooner you make this distinction the better off you are, there is no one out there giving you moral support or making sure you are on the right path, no one but hungry ghosts waiting to devour you as soon as you slip! So Wake Up! Stay Awake! You are on your own in this Dharma ending age.
# Dharma, Wake up

Save the Amazon - Mother of all the Rain Forest.

After having watched the whole series of, " The Green Frontier" I found out on fb that the Amazon Jungle, Mother of all rain forest in the world is burning out of control. No matter who is to blame for it there no justification whatsoever that would make it right for again humanity has fucked up big time against Mother Nature. Oh sure we don't feel it so much all the way here in Malaysia, but give it time and we definitely will.  The cut and burn of the tropical rain forest is not an unfamiliar phenomena for us as we get it here too courtesy of our neighbor Indonesia that every now an then send haze all the way from Sumatra and Kalimantan areas to the Mainland Malaysia and so much so that we are used to it now. The Amazon burning is a whole event in itself as it will effect more than just the loss of vegetation, flora and fauna, it is the loss of  our human moral obligation towards our capacity as stewards of this our planet. In Islam it is said man has been appointed as the vicegerent or wardens of this Earth, Caliphs or caretakers and what do we do, we simply fucked up big time. What is even more shameful is we keep looking for someone to blame instead of find ways and means to put out the fire. 

In this day and age we can send armies in the thousands if not hundreds of thousands into another country to wipe out lives and flatten cities. We are equipped with the state of the art weapons for destruction, and mobilize at the drop of a coin and we brag about it to instill fear in our enemies. The enemy that humanity faces today is much more destructive than a nuclear bomb as it is spreading at a rate that would make Hiroshima and Nagasaki as child's play in comparison. Humanity is facing a force of destruction that will tip the balance of nature so bad that WW1 and WW2  would seem like a picnic in the park simply because its long term effect will be like a terminal cancer for the whole planet as there will be no rebuilding or reconstruction in the aftermath. Mother Nature will prevail yes, but not in our lifetime or our children's for the recovery to happen. 

The loss of biodiversity alone will be if not already is, a tragedy that will live with us in infamy, and we aught to be ashamed for allowing this to occur in our lifetime. The pollution that will fill up the rivers and every body of water around the Amazon area will become so toxic that for life to return back to normal will take time and effort if ever. Then there is the life of the indigenous, the forest people and their spiritually attached to nature way of life what is to become of them? This is no doubt the environmental disaster of the century for the planet and the repercussion will be dire all around the world and not just the countries in and around the Amazonia. Let us see what those in power who claim to be the Super Powers  can do to stop this catastrophe from becoming a terminal human tragedy of this century. It is sad, very very sad, hopelessly sad. 










 

I am who I Choose to Become.

 I have been contemplating my next course of action that would help towards fulfilling my life's journey, where or what can I do in order that I can find better understanding of simply who I am and I feel like I am about ready to embark upon this journey to find out. Self discovery has always been my main focus in life and it doing so I have learned many valuable lessons it has taught me for better or worse. I found myself making mistakes with bad choices and simply being stupid, I have also found myself capable of achieving my goals if and when Is et my mind to it, but I have many more roads to travel and allot more discipline to overcome my weaknesses. It is said that there is no rest for the wicked,(sinner), and to have a clear vision of myself I have to keep polishing the mirror. Ignorance is a deep rooted karmic entity that gives rise to many a stumbling block towards the attainment of complete awareness but these blocks can only be removed through a journey of awakening; through action. 

I have done a whole of soul searching through the understanding of religions but it has been less than satisfactory in providing me with the answers that seek. I know now more than ever before that I am not a religious man, however i hold all religions to be of the highest esteem for man in dealing with his psychic and spiritual well being if not his sanity itself. I believe that there is a Higher state of consciousness that dictates and manipulate my choices so as to make sure that I do not overstep myself and allowing my small mind or ego to tkae reign of my actions. To this I remain a servant never a master and one can call It by whatever name one chooses, Allah, God, Jehovah, the Tao or Adi Buddha etc. These are the archetypes  that my ancestors have lived by and are not as easily discarded even if I find myself attaining enlightenment for without them I am nothing but a hollow reed through which the wind blows in and out. Hence, I have devoted a great amount of my time in thoroughly understandingtheir significance in my life.

As I look forward towards my journey into the unknown, stepping away from where I am at this present moment, I also see that throughout my life I have been a traveler, not just physically but spiritually as well. I am no different than Gautama who set out as a mendicant monk in search of liberation from this life of Maya. I know that for every step i take outwardly I am taking ten inwardly all depending on if i stay widely awake or sleep walking. I have chosen this course of action in my life and although I have had my doubts in the past as to how genuine this course is, at seventy I am beginning to catch a glimpse of that light at the end of the tunnel. I am beginning to understand that there is a higher purpose to what i do or what I think an how it affects me as well as others in my life. I am beginning to see the greater meaning to my life as a man, a father, as an artist and a friend; I have something worthwhile to share more so than just an art exhibition or writing comments on fb about things that might be of help to my friend if and when they read. 

" I am not what happened to me but what I choose to become."
C.G. Jung. (Poet of the Mind.)

The ZN Saga - my two cents worth.

The hot issue that is plaguing the Nation today is what to do with the Muslim Preacher from India, Dr. Zakir Naik, who is a fiery and yet eloquent with a photographic memory of quoting the Holy Scriptures of Islam as well as Hindus and Christians. Through his sermons he has converted more into Islam than anyone to date and for this he is well supported by Muslims in this country where he is taking refuge from the prosecution by the Indian government his country of origin for various accusations from money laundering to whatever else. ZN (Zakir Naik) is a Muslim evangelist with and uncanny ability to quote the scriptures left and right and is controversial is his presentation often challenging other religions especially Christianity and Hinduism, two major religions in this country next to Islam, the official religion. His mode of sermon especially the cutting down of other faiths no matter if he is right is insensitive and unacceptable in my personal opinion.

When I was asked by a lady a few years back at the University Sains, in Penang what I thought of ZN and his preaching I told her I am ambivalent of this man's approach to the dakwah or spread of Islam. Not that he is wrong but it is the manner of his presentation that irked me. She was disappointed in my  answer as she and her husband were devout followers of ZN. ZN like his predecessor Ahmad Deedad from South Africa had played a major role in the defend of Islam in these modern days so much so that their preaching has become confrontational towards other faiths rather than instrumental is bring closer understanding of all faiths. I believe to a true believer all faiths and even those who do not have any believe whatsoever belongs to the All Mighty, nothing that lives and all that is, is His Creation. One can argue till the End of Days as to who or what is right or wrong but at the end of the day so long as one's mind is hooked on right and wrong one is as lost as the next guy. By trying so hard in proving the other wrong one is also proving that one is not right either. We are no more living in the age of ignorance and if I am not mistaken it is stated somewhere that God created man of different colors and creed such that they will come together with an understanding of one another when all is said and done.

Today, sadly enough, ZN has put his foot in his mouth in the wrong place and time and it has caused for repercussions from various groups whose sensitivity and pride he has trampled upon. Malaysia is a testing ground of faiths and the being a multi ethnic country and ZN has taken a poke at the hornet's nest and is paying the price of getting stung. His blatant disregard for the well being of this nation no matter within or out of context in his sermons end in not a good way for him as is happening. ZN should have stuck to preaching Islam to Muslims, not that they need it as here in this country we have just as many good Muslim imams and unstaz doing a great job already. He has no right whatsoever to here as he is a guest and now become a refugee. ZN has robbed himself of the status of being a great Muslim evangelist and if he persist he will become a pariah as not to many countries will take him as their ward. This is what happens when one stops counting one's blessings and become too attached to self aggrandizement in the name of religion.

Do I have any viable solution to this dilemma? Yes, perhaps Malaysia should appeal to any Muslim Nation in the Middle East to accept him as their guest to avoid further disharmony in this country. My fellow Muslims can always listen to him on You Tube as they have done in the past. Let this be also a lesson to all the other faiths and religious denomination in this country that shit happens with all the best intentions, stick closely to your turf when spreading your religious views at the pulpit; realize too what is political and what is religious If it can happen to a world renowned Muslim Preacher, it can happen to you and perhaps now even worse so; common sense prevails as do unto others. Let it be a small victory for Islam in this country that ZN had opened a can of religious worms that affects all the religions in this country; we live and learn. WallahuAllam. -only God knows.
 #Zakir Naik, 



  




  

My sense of Creatvity.

After spending eight months creating my artworks, Insh'Allah I plan on taking a retreat posibly to the East Coast and find a community I can take refuge in to do this. It is time to rejuvenate and revitalize my energies for the next series. I found that in the process of creating my works I had been impatient in the past and also I tend to overwork injecting more than what is complete to create more acceptable pieces to my viewers. Sometimes this works but most of the time I had watered down the impact I was aiming for and then doubts would instigate my mind into adding more than necessary. To be able to accept what is exactly that I see in my heart becomes a challenge in the form of trying to please others or make the images more palatable to those who view my works. I need to  find that instinct or gut feeling that says ,'This is It'. This is what I have in mind  whether the viewer understand it or not, it is the up to their own perception and for it matters they might see more than I anticipate.

Creating artworks has become yet another spiritual practice is a part of my experiment  with life, another medium of exposing my deeper inner feelings and emotions hidden in the subconscious. Art is a medium most conducive towards self discovery like meditation. The whole process of creating, from the choices of a location a studio to the choices of mediums and thoughts and ideas to the theme I would like to express. Sometimes the process itself dictates the outcome when there is free flow of creativity rather than control as far as the theme is concern; Art is the freedom to express my own creative instincts. I am not an artist who can paint a perfect bunch of bananas or coconuts hanging from the tree at least I refuse to become such a craftsman even though there is nothing wrong with it and often time can prove profitable. It does not meant I cannot do it if I try, but repetitious, mass produce of this kind of expression is not my forte; I refuse to draw and paint to please others but to introspect my own ego. I would strive to give reason and meaning to my works where my viewer has an opportunity to participate and enjoy the finished product much more than a beautiful painting.I know there are a great many artists today who strives to achieve the same, creating works that makes you think on a deeper level than merely a well executed and good combination and well designed of colors and forms. Art therapy is a good exercise for young adults and children in this matter if nothing else it helps to get the young minds to focus on what is in front of them that they are working on. It also helps them to enjoy a free flow of their own thoughts and emotions allowing for the mind to express express itself rather than keeping all the emotions trapped within. Sadly enough today we have the I-Phones and various other gadgets to replace this practice of self expression through art. Children today are bombarded by so much negative and mostly destructive sense distractions it is scary to think how the next two or three generations are going to fare. 
@ Art therapy, creativity

Time to wake up - State of the Nation.

Allah Selamatkan kami, may the Lord save us by His Grace. Slowly but surely this Nation is headed for a civil strife as more and more acts of violence and intolerance is emerging all over the country where minor and some almost insignificant confrontation that could have been resolved rationally flares up ino a racial issue and exacerbates an already potential time bomb that we are all sitting on. It is indeed a tragedy for a country such as ours, rich in biodiversity, natural resources and cultural and religious diversity is headed for chaos from which rest assured there will be no winner when shove comes to blows. We will all suffer and more sadly, our children and theirs will regardless of who we are, rich or poor. 

We are human and being human we make all kinds of bad choices and mistakes, but we cannot allow for this to become an addiction, an incurable decease; there is a cure for all illnesses and we just have to look for it. Malaysians are loosing their tolerance and patience towards each other especially when interacting in a multiracial setting. We become more Chinese, more Malay and more Indian than our forefathers in their days. But nowhere in time of our history has we as Malaysians claimed to be just that;Malaysians, not Malay, not Chinese or Indians and any others. What has made us a unique Nation of a multi-Racial or ethnicity which had enriched our collective culture, is now being threatened by ignorance, greed and anger. Religion has become a major tool for political game and education has become a never ending case for discord; I thought we had elected the best brains in the country to run the government, my bad.

The Parliament has become a court for finger pointing as every member strive to outshine the other in matters that most of their constituencies are unhappy about, like what to do with Zakir Naik, Dong Zong, the Khat or Jawi among other non-essential, and great amount is spent by politicians yelling and screaming at each other over these matters, while the country reels into an economic breakdown, environmental disaster and most importantly civil unrest. The is none to blame, we have created this whole scenario for ourselves like it or not we will have to live or die with it. We have elected the people we thought can make a difference into office and we have often enough chosen to close our eyes as our environment is being raped and desecrated. Only we the people can  heal this country before its too late, by waking up and taking it upon ourselves to practice all that we know to be positive and productive for the benefit of the whole. Wake up, think before we strat to accuse or point our fingers, cease from racial slurs and mindful of where we throw our garbage. 

You and I, we make the difference whether we are aware of it or not, by sharing, by giving, by loving and understanding like we are a big family, for every and any small gesture of friendship and care makes a dent into effects of negativity. When we are told to stop using plastic we just do it and help to make this happen any which way we can. Let the religious leaders do their share of coming to a mutual understanding among all the religions that is what they get paid to do; hold them responsible. Hold our elected politicians responsible to find solutions towards the state of the nation and not be blinded by their rhetoric simply to just promote their own personal image. We the people deserve more than just being used as pawns in the game of politics; Wake up!Stay Awake, don't let them fool you. 

The Art of Living, (As an Artist).

Yesterday was the launching date for my Solo Art Exhibition and it went very well with the right people that was to be there were there. I had a few of my fellow artists here and my relatives who had no idea most of them about art appreciation but were none the less presnt because I had invited them for the show. A family of my niece and her children were also there having driven all the way from Kuala Terengganu  on the East Coast which perhaps a coincident but none the leas a very welcome sight as I would rather have them then most othrs back there. The there were a few local art collectors who bought among them five pieces of my works that amount to a good price. Call it a miracle, yes i believe in miracles, that the Higher Being, call it what you may, is indeed watching over me. I have dealt with this issue almost forever in my life and I still am looking for the tuth about myself and my relationship to this universe, this physical and spiritual realm of my existence and I had called it an experiment with life. The experiment is not over and the conclusion thus far has become a whole lot more challenging, but I am not going to accept what is presently my state of being here and will take on the next phase into the future no matter how long I have left.

The last painting had completed was called "Rebirth', depicting an image of a foetus  in the center surrounded by circles of green on one side and red on the other forming something like a Cosmic Symbol of the Yin and Yang. It is 3'x 4' in size and I had the hardest time in completing this painting was handed to the gallery on the morning of the day before the opening. Appropriately, I somehow feel a rebirth in me, a feeling that I had felt on several occasions in the past when I had felt that a change is crucially needed in my personal life. What it is or what I need to do I have a good idea of but will not divulge at present; I have yet ot set things right before it happens. For the past  months preparing for the exhibition has been a great lesson for me and I have been blessed with helps from many who had been kind and supportive that enabled me to complete my works. I am grateful to both my children here for having provided me with a place to live and have my own studio to work from. I am grateful to my relatives who had made sure I had enough to eat when I needed it and to my friends who by being themselves had allowed me to be who I am without frowning or judgemental as to my 'weird ways. I  had learned how vital relationship of oneself to others in all walks of life is if one is to make life itself meaningful. Perhaps if I have my show sometime in the future I would call it, "The Art of Living" (As an Artist).
 
Today I celebrated my seventieth birthday and I would not demean myself saying that I have not much to show for as this Blog would testify among other accomplishment that i had achieved; I dare say that I had lived life to its capacity as much any any man can say. It has been one long roller coaster ride and most of which I could have done better. I cannot claim myself to have been a saint but I am sure of having been a sinner and for this I need to find a complete healing of my soul; of who I am. I have to embark upon a journey of spiritual healing and purification before i die. I hope and pray that I would find a place that i can do this without too much disruption and external influences; like saying i need to find the cave where I can sit and converse with my Maker; my final journey towards self liberation. If i can catch a glimpse of 'Truth' on this final phase I would be more than satisfied, I might even call it enlightenment.





  




 

The Art of Living.

A God given talent is what I have inherited from my grandfather and my father, both hailed from Sri Lanka and found their ways to this country through their gif ts . My grandfather was an artist and my father was a goldsmith and both has left their legacy in the forms of their creative abilities, My grandfather left  Mural paintings that covers the entire walls of the Mahindrama Buddhist Temple, one of the oldest Hinayana Buddhist temples in Penang, while my father left a one foot tall solid gold statue of Lord Subramaniam that is yearly being carried to and fro form one temple to another of the day of the Tahipusam as part of the ritual. When my family moved to the state of Terengganu he created many pieces of jewelries for thh Sultan of Terengganu. However these talents are not what they are remembered for by their children and grand children, they are remembered for being alcoholics and frowned upon by the God fearing Muslim pro genies; they are remembered in shame.

As I turn seventy, I too realize that my life has been just like theirs were and there are times that I feel like I am carrying on their legacy in terms of my abilities and lifestyle so much so that I had often wished that I had been a successful businessman or a mechanic rather than call myself an artist. From my childhood days I had been recognized as having a talent to draw and paint in my primary school and later  as a teenager and moving to the East Coast Art became a problem I had to content with as my mother deemed it a waste of time and most probably it reminded her of both my grandfather and father's traits. There is no sense in looking back too closely, however suffice to say that I did not enjoy growing up as a teenager until I decided to become a rebel and went about my own ways rather than be stuck with the norm; I was an angry young man who took it out on the world around me to satisfy my egotistic tendencies. I detested being pitted against my twin brother and having to live under the yoke of an eldest brother who was also my school disciplinary teacher. My face has been slapped so many times by so many people, who loved me so to speak that I have lost count.

No life was not all that bad especially after I decided that enough was enough and took to the road living mostly estranged from my immediate family; I discovered the dark side of the path and embraced it. I do not blame anyone for the way life has been for me and as a matter of fact accepts it as a blessing in disguise form I became more resilient and  diverted my anger towards becoming a survivor. For over ten years I did not have anything to do with Art until I moved to a place called West Allies in Wisconsin when I was twenty eight years of age. It was there I I decided to past my time painting again after working for more than three years as a meat cutter or boner in one of the packing house in downtown Milwaukee. Later I took up Art more seriously when I became a university student in Green Bay, Wisconsin and it was during this time that I was able to explore my potential as an artist. It was also in my years as an art student that I started to embark upon my journey of self discovery; Who am I?

I kept an on going journal of my works and thoughts wherever i went and to date have managed to salvage more than fifty sketch books dating back to 1978 which I started when i traveled to England on a study program. I was able to travel to many countries doing my studies before I graduated through a pioneer program called the University without Walls, a program initiated by the University of Madison, Wisc. At the moment I am writing this post the azan from the State Mosque came on with the special Hari Raya Haji call to prayer and it is ironic that here I sit relating my past that has a whole lot to do with my faith and belief that has yet to be reconciled even as I celebrate my birthday tomorrow, the day after the opening of my Solo Exhibition today.
“The spiritual confusion of the human world is indeed expressed in its religions. Religions have distorted the emotion of sincerity or piety: thus followers never have the opportunity to correctly reach the exquisite reality of spiritual truth.” ~The Book of Changes and the Unchanging Truth

Yes I envy those who are very close to God     especially they who can perform the haj to Mecca two or three times in their lifetime for I seriously doubt that i will ever be invited to the Holy Land. Yes i fear of the consequences of my life's actions, my faith and those of my children in the afterlife but I will remain the seeker that I am of the truth that I hold to be yet revealed unto me even if it is too late in my life. I would rather discover the truth for myself than follow blindly what is preached by the religions of the world; I will remain a rebel. It is said the "And the Truth shall set you free," in the teachings of Jesus. I have accepted life itself as a piece of Art, I live my life as an artist; I call it, The Art of Living.

For All the faithful I wish Salam Eidil Adha in Malay Selamat Hari Raya Haji. 

OUT - SAM B. A Solo Exhibition by Shamsul Bahari.

At five am. in the morning I woke up and sat on my bed I felt peace after the head had been cleared of all the rattlings and the rumblings of the day before where i had handed over my 19 pieces of Artwork to the gallery for my Solo Exhibition. Peaceful in the fact that i have met my commitment towards having the show itself which I have worked on for the past eight months fron the moment I was offered a space in the gallery's busy calendar fo me to have my show which fell in August and the opening being on the day before my 70th. birthday and which also fell on the day of the Eid Mubarak when the Muslims all over the world celebrate the end of he Haj in Mecca. Since  the month of January i started to paint with body, my mind and my spirit having Katsushika Hokusai's words as my inspiration and the need to make an impact on the Art scene in my community as my  motivation.

"From around the age of six, I had the habit of sketching from life. I became an artist, and from fifty on began producing works that won some reputation, but nothing I did before the age of seventy was worthy of attention. At seventy-three, I began to grasp the structures of birds and beasts, insects and fish, and of the way plants grow. If I go on trying, I will surely understand them still better by the time I am eighty-six, so that by ninety I will have penetrated to their essential nature. At one hundred, I may well have a positively divine understanding of them, while at one hundred and thirty, forty, or more I will have reached the stage where every dot and every stroke I paint will be alive..." - Hokusai.

 I painted using acrylic on canvass and had I used oil it would not have been possible to create as many as 19 or 20 in 8 months and the apartment would not allow for such purpose. I would have preferred to paint in oil, however. The canvas are of tow sizes, 10 are of 3x3 feet qhile the other 10 3x4 feet in size  The hardest thing about  for me  about producing a body of works is what to paint, what subject matter. I solved that by giving up thinking about conformity to subject matter or style and just painted what my heart decides to paint. I poured paints on my canvases and allow for things to happen and nature took its course. My sometimes become free from inhibitions and my subconscious exposed itself into unique expressions. As a whole I enjoyed my eight months of painting my heart out witnessed only by my daughter who made it all happen by providing me with the space to work from. This was the first time I could say that i had worked from my own studio.

Look within in Silence.

 Silence is the highest form of learning and teaching. The Buddha was once said to have sat in silence holding up a flower in his hand where he was suppose to give a sermon before a vast group of devotees, and this created a stir among those present and some thought He was loosing His mind. After quite sometime a monk smiled at what was happening and bowed towards the Buddha. The Buddha broke his silence and addressed the congregation, " All that I am able to share with you in the form of words and explanations, you have all understood, only one man understood this teaching of silence among you." and the Buddha left. MahaKasyapa, the monk later became the next in line to lead the teachings of the Buddha after the Buddha's death. This is known as the Direct Transmission in schools of Mahayana Buddhism. When the mind is in absolute silence there is a direct open of channel between one and the other, between man and the universe. There is no walls or veils no distractions whatsoever for the cosmic energy to flow freely from one source to another. In  absolute silence, it is said, one can hear a needle dropping to the floor even in a room full of people.

This silence is the absence of the "I', that which we call the self, it is more than just the absence of thoughts. In deep meditation one attain to this silence state and often experiences a sense of absolute beingness, one becomes 'whole', complete and perfect. Being encapsulated in this physical form however this state being-ness cannot last indefinitely as the body is subjected to fatigue and tiredness and will cause the mind to reclaim its role as moderator of physical existence. Aches and pains will draw our mind back from the silence we have experienced no matter how delightful and peaceful we may feel. Our awareness of breath will draw our attention to the need to draw in a deep breath like one who was experiencing being drowned or suffocated or we let a long sigh of relief and return to the physical state. Thus being fully conscious of breathing in and out and the intervals in between is a great way to cultivate longer states of silence in our consciousness. 

For the believer, God speaks from within the silence, from the Secret of Secrets of the heart. Only those who have been able to silence their mind and remove their attachment from the mind created personality of the 'I' can hear the whisper of the Divine within. It is in silence that the heart is able to reverberate with the sound of the universe like that of the beating of the heart in an empty chamber; this is the goal of every man of wisdom and understanding. Withdraw your consciousness from the distractions of the external earthly realm and enter into the realm of the unseen and the mystique of the Sufi Masters and the Sadhus, the Saints and the Arahats; the Temple of the Living God is within.












  

Zikr vs Sitting Meditation.

And this loneliness won't leave me alone. There are days when one slips sliding back into the state of doubtfulness, of dependency, of  wondering what the heck is going on in one's life and there is only one self to look at for answers; what to do? A friend posted on Face Book a video about Zikirullah or the chant to Allah, albeit His Names or simply reciting the Shahadah or profession to becoming a Muslim. my friend was not answering my question but indirectly he did as he reminded me of all the ways and methods of deviating the mind from over indulging into doubtful thoughts that often than not leads to depression. Zikr or the MUslim form of continuous chants through the recitation of the Verses from the Quran, or simply reciting the Name Allah is a very effective form of meditation and various other religious and spiritual practices has developed one form of chanting or another for the purpose of bringing the mind under control at least focused on something more spiritual and positive than dwelling upon the negative energies. If you have had a chance to travel the Middle Eastern countries one would notice how most of the people especially the men would have a bead or rosary in their hand and they keep counting the beads non stop. More often then not they look calm and collected as compared to those around them who are less centered.

Counting the rosary beads while reciting one thing or another is one way of not allowing for the mind to keep occupying one's thoughts with whatever it fancies and often the mind has more negative thoughts to share than positive at least find it out for myself. The continuous chant or recitation provides a barrier that does not allow for any irrelevant thoughts to penetrate into one's consciousness. It is like a cassette tape that is fully loaded and one cannot add anymore data into it even if one wants to. The longer the time span of the Zikr or chant, the longer is the consciousness free from unwanted interruption to the conscious mind. In a way it is self hypnotic al and has its drawbacks as one becomes dependent upon this state  and the mind become petrified and looses its flexibility. Meditation devoid of any crutches such as chant and dances and so forth is pure and free of any dependence; thus this Blogger recommends simply Sitting Meditation and counting the ins and outs of breath as the toll towards achieving single-mindedness.











  

Rambling on Issues that are current in my life.

Woke up this morning , 4;30 am., with a whole lot of negative vibes floating in my mind about life and my status in it thus far. Yes, no matter deeply you think you have understood yourself, the workings of your mind, the psycho emotional ups and downs of your consciousness. you have yet to touch the truth to your being who you are. Time and again I find myself slipping back into depression, dejection and the whole works, like a man sinking into a bog and clutching for dear life to stay at least physically if not mentally and spiritually. In my younger days this would be the moments when I would succumb to getting high, or drunk or contemplate ending this  life of mine and I did tried to, at least twice. This is what depression is all about and it is a very heavy condition one that many has lost the battle and gave in to one form of destructive trait or another. This is more prone to those who make it their venture to  dive into the meaning of life on a deeper level.

I have not been making my blog entries as I used to not because I have run out of thoughts and ideas but simply because i have become become saturated by  all that is happening in and around me. I feel like stepping out of this time and space and engage myself into the unknown   where I can be free from all these bogus experiences that i am being exposed to, experiences that are repetition of the past over and over only on a more intense and deeper level. Perhaps it is part and parcel of getting old and I have less resistance to being invaded by negative thoughts and feelings about the daily and mundane course of life. Perhaps I am expecting miracles where miracles are a rare commodity even for the enlightened; what is bugging me? I have a roof on top of my head and a beautiful daughter and son to content with and I have a beautiful cat for a friend to care for. I eat well and and thus far for the past eight months have almost completed 20 paintings ready for a solo exhibition, what is bugging me? Perhaps I am hoping for too much, hoping for what to happen, hoping for enlightenment?; that is a joke. How can one whose life is like a yo yo become enlightened and what is this state of enlightenment anyway?

I have been trying to achieve the state of enlightenment as that which was attained by the historical Buddha for most of my adult life only to realize that I was born enlightened and most of my childhood life was spent in an enlightened state but it got eroded as i grew in age;now I am suicidal. If I could end my life without becoming a sinner or disrupting, the lives of those closest to me, I would. One of my Zen teachers used to ask," Is this all there is? Is this the peak of the mystique mountain?" Well, what do I expect? Before enlightenment, I used to cut wood and fetch water, after enlightenment I am still doing the same as a Zen saying goes. What I truly need is a good cup of Nescafe black with sugar right about now. 

The call for the morning prayer has just ended and I am brought to mind of my religious commitment as a Muslim something that i have been at odds with for most of my life, to pray five times a day. This is one of my guilt trips that I have grappled with as i find it hard to pray like other good Muslims and as such I am not fit to consider myself as one as it is one of the five pillars of Islam. It is not that i do not believe in God, I do as a Muslim I believe in the One true Divine Being, a Being that I worship with every breath and have absolute faith in. However I have a problem when it comes to performing the Solats which I  tried in the past but find that it does not work for me, perhaps I did not try hard enough. I have always considered myself a of a spiritual being than a religious one simply beause I find religions to be a source of  humanity's major problem rather than a comfort. It is said that religions has caused more death and destruction than any other factors in human history and I believe so. Often enough I encounter devout Muslims who are haughty and arrogant assuming themselves to be above everyone else, frowning upon those they consider non-believers: i find no comfort in praying in the mosque from this negative experiences. I worship my Lord and you may call by what name you like, in my own way and the very fact that i have to deal with the issue of faith and worship makes me a constant believer as it keeps my Lord in mind every so often when the question of faith and practices arises and it does more often than not for me; I know i come from my Lord and will return to Him sooner or later and that I will have much to answer for.

AI - what role model?

Has been sometime now since last I made my blog posting and it is not there is nothing to write about, it is simply because i have been busy getting my twenty odd paintings ready for the upcoming solo exhibition. I am almost there but not quite and there's like three weeks left to go before launch day, which falls on the 11th. of August, a day before my seventieth birthday. Wow! 70 years ag I was born, brought into this realm of existence to work out my karmic evolution towards whatever that lies ahead. It is not like I am ready or not afraid to leave this existence as it can happen at anytime for a man my age, however i must say that i am not fully awakened towards what it was all about these past 70 odd years; what was it all about?run  I feel like I am on my final run, sitting my final exam, having to wrap up my theses, write my final conclusion of what had transpired for the past 70 years and I have no clue where to begin.
 God or no God, Money or no money, friendship or no friends, I have passed through these moments that has shoved me forward as i grew up and still does till now as i am headed for the final countdown. On looking at it over the years it seems like time flew by as though it was all a dream, or nightmare as the case may be and each fleeting moment  has become faded memories into the past, some still memorable while others are mere blurs in the distant landscape. Today I have noticed that I am becoming more desperate to be in the here and now more so than ever before. I savor the food in my mouth and witness with intense consciousness the changes in the clouds as it appears and disappears in the deep blue skies above me. I listen more closely and with deeper interest as to what my friends has to say and give them more of my attention in communicating my feelings with them. Every events, every action and  reflections is becoming more concentrated and deliberate as though one is savoring their presence like for the last time. The question arises every now and then, what would i miss once I am liberated from this physical realm and my five senses are no more in function. The  feel of the earth under my feet or the breeze through my hairr, or the cool water running through my fingers, the fire that warms my body in the cold of winter's nights; what would I miss most.
 Would I miss my children? Yeah, somewhat, like how they would miss me and truth be told not too much. I was never a good father and I really have not idea what a good father is truly, but I have tried to do my best and if my best is not good enough too bad. However if the proof is in the pudding, all four of my children are doing as fine as any in this day and age. Regrets, I have many but none worthy enough to carry to my grave as destined all is written, as the Muslim calls it Makhtub, predestined, written in the Book of Records the Loh Mahfuz.- The Book of Life. Not as far in difference as the recorded Laws of Karma that is ever registering every word thoughts and deeds of every living thing throughout the Universe- in modern terminology, this is the Matrix that governs the workings of life.

Most of us are oblivious to these inner workings of the human mind that for ages and generations  wise men has been trying to unravel for us that we may have a thorough understanding of who we truly are. We choose to live out life in the survival mode of existence every trying to become the most successful, most wealthy,most this or that that we miss the finer and more sublime nature of our being. Success is gauged in the material state rather than spiritual and most of us are slowly loosing the connection we have with nature as a whole. Our materialistic pursuits has become or daily prayer and we worship what we hoard in this life calling wealth and success; nothing wrong in that. We however do have a more deeper and richer aspect to ourseelves that is being eroded through lack of awareness and neglect through the refusal to study and understand. Ironically today science is very much into the creation of artificial intelligence (AI), to prove that we can become as close to God as we can in Creation. But what we feed into these AI is not very clear and we are treading upon the thin ice of Creation employing a matrix that is imperfect and incomplete just as who we are if taken as a template for the production line. 















 

Meditation-The Middle Way.

Meditation is not just sitting on your butt, but more importantly sitting on your mind, the dual, thinking mind the egotistic mind the mind that has tales to tell and horror stories to share from the past and into the future. Meditation does not end when you leave your meditation seat or the meditation hall, it expands into the next action you take, in essence it happens with every breath you take while sweeping washing drinking, singing, dancing, feeding your cat or driving to pick up your children; it is called Mindfulness meditaiton, in some schools and Meditation in action to others. Whatever technique you employ it is entirely up to your own choosing, that which works for you. Zazen, Yoga, Chigung, TaiChi, or Sufi style, there are schools from way back when to learn from; be eclectic. Most importantly is that you do it, as Nike says, 'Just do It.' Even tem minutes each morning and evening would be a good  beginning, the first step towards the destination of awakening your mind.

Listen to J.Krishnamurti talk on You Tube or Alan Watts or Osho or Eckhart Tolle, Mooji Baba, Sat Guru, the list goes on and you will get a good perspective on what is Meditation. Why it is very crucial for humanity at this moment to be practicing this age old way, is evident in our current state of affairs on this Planet. To heal the world, humanity one has to heal oneself, understand the workings of one's mind and what is consciousness, what is being in the here and now and taking action straight from the heart not the mind; if the heart disagrees, do not act, Meditation helps to bring us closer to our hearts and away from the dual thinking mind where right and wrong, good and bad, black and white becomes predominant in our thinking. The heart is guided by Love and Compassion when in action and we have drawn too far away from our hearts and we making errors through manifesting the ignorance of the thinking mind that is clouded by too much external stimuli and acts on the principle of survival rather than coexistence. The 'small mind', the me, me and,my. mine personality that we manifest into the external environment is one of possessiveness, clinging, cavorting, hoarding and claim this is life living. Other than prayers and invocations, chants and singing, meditation is the safe and direct way towards uncovering the heart where the original nature resides, that which is who you truly are; 'The Temple of the Living God is within you.'

When you are neither wide awake nor in deep sleep state, you are on the middle path where the traffic is usually smooth and consistent and you get home without too much stress. This is the path of meditation, to slow down and not be drawn to move too fast or too slow, but consistent. Steady as she goes as they say, takes stress out of the equation and even if it recurs it is handled with Loving Kindness not blame and accusations; I am right, you are wrong! To many meditation brings them to a state of blissfulness while to others it helps to stay focus, whatever the benefit, it is yours to enjoy while in this physical form and mental states; your goal  if there is any is to arrive at an awaken state of consciousness. To view the Universe with your heart ,not your mind. It helps for you to seive through what makes sense and what is nonsense; Sit! Not standing nor laying down, it's the Middle Way.











 

Why we Meditate -Consciousness.-Bruce Lipton

After all is said and done what else is there to do? You sit! You sit facing the wall of emptiness before you like you always do and watch what rises and what fades away into nothingness in your mind. It is boring yet at the same time can be if very entertaining if you are fully aware of what you are doing. You become the 'watcher of your own mind and its mejntal formations and activities. There so much that arises that sometimes you fell overwhelmed, return to watching the rise and fall of your breath and in the same manner get in touch with your inner being and your physical body, let the alignment take place. Your spine erect and locked at the bottom of your skull, click! Feel the flow of energy throughout you body as parts of the muscles lets go and release a tension that it has been holding back, your shoulder drops, your and eventually you enjoy a sense of weightlessness, you feel light, you begin to feel enlightenment. So when all is daid and done what you do is you get within and touch base with your true being; this! This is, in essence, what sitting meditation or Zazen is.

Sitting is the posture in between standing and sleeping where one i not fully awake nor fully asleep, you are in the twilight zone of consciousness; if you are truly into the meditative state. The mind has ceases its ramblings and the body has turned to stone only the air moves in and out imperceptibly throughout your body; a feeling of solitude and lonesomeness. Some calls this State, Samadhi Shikantaza,

Shikantaza (只管打坐) is a Japanese translation of a Chinese term for zazen introduced by Rujing, a monk of the Caodong school of Zen Buddhism, to refer to a practice called "Silent Illumination", or "Serene Reflection", by previous Caodong masters.^[1] In Japan, it is associated with the Soto school. Unlike many other forms of meditation, shikantaza does not require focused attention on a specific object (such as the breath); instead, practitioners "just sit" in a state of conscious awareness.

Whatever it is called the main purpose is to find that silent and empty space or the the pause in between for this is where the door between the conscious and the unconscious is found. Here, in the silence of the mind like dried seaweed resting on the riverbed rises to the surface as the water moves in; here the subconscious seeps into the semi conscious state of mind and vice versa. It is in this moment in time that one discovers or is exposed to the original primordial state of one's true being positively or otherwise, for the storage room of the subconscious mind holds a vault full of skeletons and treasures of wisdom beyond wisdom for one to collect from as it is all yours to begin with. At moment of death it is said that the walls of the vault holding the subconscious mental energies collapse and relases the who nine yards of information into the conscious state as a blinding light. Every now and then a 'near death experience ' subject would relate seeing a bright light initially and move on to everything else that they see or felt. The ability to meditate properly in essence is a good way to build a thorough understanding of one's death process as it happens, when it happens.

The Bardo Todol, or the Tibetan Book of the Dead as it is called in the West explains this more thoroughly and is a text by which a Lama would recite to the dead, the beginning to the end of the 49 Days of the Bardo State of consciousness. A mind that has been accumulating countless images and thoughts throughout a life time and even previous lifetimes according the Buddhist, has a sizeable vault to hold all these, what is holding these from breaking out into the open? Consciousness?  

A Farewell to my Grand Auntie-'Minachi'

Today I received a sad news that my grand auntie, the oldest surviving relative has passed away. She was wife to my Grand Uncle who was the younger brother to my grandfather. His name was Paul Martin as Sinhalese from Sri Lanka,  unlike my grand father he refused to be converted to Islam like my grandfather did upon marriage to my grand mother who was devout Muslim from Deli, in Indonesia. My grand uncle married a Hindu and became a Hindu and today his wife just passed away, A Piece of the family tree falls off to the ground to be buried in time and forgotten in memory; she was a very soft and gentle lady and always has a sweet sad smile about her. I used to spend times visiting my grand uncle's family to play with my uncle Ranjan, and the two sisters Kamala and Susila and the youngest brother Sukananda. I looked forward to the Indian cooking and sitting on the floor with my uncles and aunties having a good time.

All  that I can remember is that they had always lived in the quarters of the 'Old' Methodist Boys School where my grand uncle had worked as the caretaker and he was also the caretaker grounds keeper of the Mahindrama Buddhist Temple on Kampar Road, across the road from the MBS. This is the very same temple my grandfather was commissioned to paint the inner wall murals and ceilling when the Temple was constructed. This was how my grand father ended up in Penang he was the Buddhist Michael Angelo, and his works are still as it was today; the Life and Times of the World and Time Honored One; the Buddha Shakyamuni, or the life of Prince Siddharta Gautama. Before i was relocated to Terengganu and converted to Islam I was raised a Buddhist for twelve years and as a child would visit this temple every weekend for the Pali lessons. When I mentioned that my granduncle was the ground keeper of the temple I could only imagine how like a mythical plaace the temple grounds was with tall palm trees and white sand in the quadrangles, like the Japanese sand garden. I can still feel the warm breeze and the smell of incense that filled the whole area and I can still see serene half close eyes and the half smile of the Sittng Buddha under the large Bo tree; he is sitting there today.

With the departure of my grand auntie 'Minachi' a piece of our ethnic heritage slips into the past as today our families drifts far apart from one another. Most of my nephews and nieces and my children included has now idea of her existence, their Great Grand Auntie. I will remember her as a fading background image of my past and filed it away into  my subconscious storage bank. Her smiles, her cooking and how she dressed are all etched into these files as a piece of the jig saw that makes up my heritage. Three religious faith are intertwined into this scenario, Islam, Buddhism and Hinduism and being me, I had made deeper contacts with each through my childhood experiences. Today I feel spiritually rich from having been exposed to all three at the same time in one chidlhood age. Farewell to you my Grand Auntie, may you be reborn into a more pleasant realm and be among those you once loved; may you become a Buddha free from pain and suffering. 













 

I Am The Artist.

Has been sometime now that I have been able to sit an unravel my mind and today seems like a good day to catch up with what has been ans what iss going on within and without. I have been making an effort at creating a few more paintings for my upcoming solo exhibition at the Gallery Seni Mutiara with the opening date on the 11th. of August, same day as Hari Raya Haji and the next day on the twelfth would be my seventieth birthday. It's a package show whereby I'd try to share all that i am as an artist. How far or how near have i understood the significance of living the life of an artist; Art in Quest of the Universality. This was the title of my letter of proposal to the members of the different faculties explaining what I intended to do for my Fine Arts Degree. It was accepted without any of my need to defend my letter and I was given the green light to embark upon creating my own Art degree under the program called, University Without Walls through the University of Wisconsin, Madison. It was a pilot project and I was accepted to participate with the blessings of all my Art professors and fellow Art Students; They had a banner hung saying, " Stay way Sam! as long as you can!" ( not really.)

The next three years of my adult life was spent discovering myself through my travels away from the studios at the University and onto the srreets of London, Whales and the Mesas and deserts of New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado. Through the Andes Mountains from Colombia to Equador and celebrating the Gawai Hatu along with my Iban Hosts in a Long House where I spent three days and nights awake high on tuak, or tapioca wine; I became an Iban warrior in that space and time and it was during the same journey the i walked alongside my late uncle Ranjan, a Hindu while he performed the Kavedi during the Thaipusam celebration while visiting Penang. The slide shows I presented to classes by request of my proffessors to coin their phrase,"Blew their minds". I enjoyed my college years going through the bes and worse of my times in the coldest State of the US; Wisconsin at Green Bay. I spent eight years living in Green Bay full of trials and tribulations as a father and student; I was in my early thirties. 

For me being an Artist is a bit more than just being able to produce great masterpieces the fetch handsome prices, nothing wrong with it but it has never been my luck to have it all my way. I allowed myself to float along from one station to another, one level to another, in my effort towards self discovery, answering the most basic question of ,Who Am I? Who I am I came to understand is the same  who I was and who I will remain to be. How exciting or boring it may be it is entirely up to me; I am the Artist.