Where I am at...

 What saddens me about my life of late is the fact that I find myself becoming more and more 'not caring'. It feels like I ma in the process of committing suicide mentally and spiritually and if this is any indication f growing old, it is very sad indeed. I have always regarded myself as being creative in my approach to life, not just because i am an artist or have aspired to become one, but more so than that it is the fact that i have in the past look at life with all seriousness and appreciated it in all its glory and awesomeness; i have it seemed lost that childlike sense of curiosity and bewilderment.

Like most, I have engrossed myself into the what the Internet has to offer, from endless movies, Facebook, You Tube lectures and numerous other postings, that I feel saturated with what is out there, the going on in the the world. As one who has been aspiring towards being devoid of thoughts in my mind I have instead become thought infested. I have allowed too much senseless information into my head and have practically lost my sense of presence, of being here in the moment uncluttered by any form of thought formation; perhaps why truth seekers flee to the forest and mountain retreats?

As much as would love to be able to take off and disappear from this present environment I am in events in my life would not permit me to. My responsibility towards my children for their well being and the COVID-19 status at present makes it not a wise move to pursue. Hence I have to make do with what is before me and strive to remain true to my course as an artist or as I would call it, The Art of Living (as an Artist). To be creative no matter the form and whatever the process, I will keep of trudging along producing and expressing myself as I am doing now.

33Wati Dzulkifly, Grazyna Kaminska and 31 others

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A note of Repentance to my Lord.

Astarghfirullah  Al Gafururu Rahim, forgive me O Lord of Forgineveness and Mercy for all my transgressions of the past, present and future. From the most heinous to the slightest, from those that I nkow of and that which I knew not, Forgive me my sins towards my parents and those who came before them, my sins towards my family and friends, forgive me for my not eing able to fulfill all my obligations towards You and my negligence of duty towards my fellow man. Forgive me Lord for my weaknesses and my ignorance, my slothfulness and my decadence of behavior. I ask of Your Grace and Mercy for You are oft forgiving and Most Merciful and not a thing moves within and without except by Your Will and Yours alone. I surrender my Soul, mind and body unto You in life and in death. Amen.

Alhamdullilah hirabbil Alamin, I thank you Lord for all the Grace and Mercy that You have granted me throughout my life and those You have shown towards my Parents and theirs and may You place them among those who are free from Your retribution for whatever their transgressions had been. I thank You Lord for the Grace that You have showered upon me and my fellow man in one form or another to ease their their burden in life as od mine. For You are the Lord of the Universe, The Lord of Creation, from You I came and unto You I shall return. May all beings be awakened by this realization that they may return to the source of their origin. You are the Originator of this Supreme Consciousness that pervades all Beings and Non Beings alike and not an atom moves without Your approval and not a leaf drops in the forest wihtout Your awareness. You are the Omniscience, Omnipresent, Omni-Lord of Creation. I prosterate my Being bfore Your throne. I bear witness that there is none but only You worthy of Worship, Love and Devotion.

I place none above or below me save You my Lord and I pray that all my actions beit good or otherwise sanctioned by your Grace in this life and submit my will to be as Yours no matter the circumstances. For all my life has always been surrendered to You in its entirety with no reservations. I worship Thee with every breath I take knowingly or otherwise and let this be my testimony of my repentance for all the wrong that I have committed and may You forgive me in the Now and the hereafter. I am eternally grateful for all that I have tasted in this life, the sweet and the bitterness that it has to offer and I remain Your humble servant for eternity. 

AllahuAkhbar! Indeed You are Great and there in none, only You worthy of my worship. Lead me O'Lord from the unreal to the real, from darkness to ligt and from death to immortality...Ameen. 

   

Update on the status of Self inquiry.

 There is not much to be said except that the seeker and that which is sught after has become one and truly not uch difference. The mind still rules and dictates every minute and every second of what is out there and in here, not much can be done about it as it is like an old habit that refuses to die. But as life progresses and the body shows telltale signs of immanent slowdown and perhaps even decay, the one who had embarked upon this long journey still remains in the back ground watching and observing the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride,experiencing every moment as a witness, a watcher an observer,only now refraining from making any more efforts to change or try to become otherwise. Aceeptance is the next practice and it is not as simple as it may seem as the mind has much more to offer in all its glory like a challenge towards making it a test of endurance and perserverence. Meditation helps but to a degree that the more one sits the more the mind imposes upon the one who meditates. It has been told that ths is inevitable when one meditates that mind will gets stronger in projecting itself through thoughts and dreams and rampant imaginations.

  Hence the one way to circumnavigate this onslaught of mental formations is to ignor what arises and move on with greater consciousness of the outcome of each and every thought and not project any new perception to counter them. Detached observation that allows for the mind to work itself out as they arise and simply watching how they move along and fade from consciousness, like clouds in an empty sky.Worries, fears and anxieties they rise and fall reacting to the external circustances, like not having a the road tax renewed or meetinf a police road block, what to cook for lunch or dinner, or how the kids are faring with their lives day to day. As a practice, feeding the birds, the cat and watering the plants helps to occupy the mind towards a more productive projections rather than imposing random meaningless thoughts to upset the tranquility of one's consciousness. 

Om! Deliver us from the unreal to the RealFrom the Darkness to Light, From Death unto Immortality. Om - Peace, Peace, Peace.

This age old Mantra has proven effective somewhat in putting a damper upon the onslaught of negative thoughts an so does Astarghfirrullah al Azim or the beseige for foegiveness of the Lord of Creation. Yes the need for the intervention from the 'Higher Consciousness' is without doubt relevant in order to provide a veil against the rise of incessant mental formations and is evoked when things gets out of hand. It is indeed not an easy task to maintain a steady gaurd against getting one's state of consciousness free from being shaken in the wind of change and especially ageing, but it has to be thoroughly obeserved as the result of one's years of so called practice would amount to nothing. Mantras, chants, recitations and prayers are crucial towards keeping the soul from being side swept by the dual thinking mind. These are the links and chains that one weave into the armour that protects one from getting waylaid and drown into the quagmire of distortion due to the mind's influences. 

Entertaining my subconscious.

Listening to my al time favorite, a tune that moves my spirit from the frst time heard it played on an Long Play Album at a dorm apartment of the University of Wisconsin , Green Bay, Wisconsin in 1979. I had just returned from trip to the South West States of New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado, living out f my Chevy Impala 1965 model which was flattened on her passenger from front to the back by a hit and run accident on Highway 666 on the border between New Mexico and Colorado between the small towns of Gallup and Durango. It happened at one in the morning in total darkness with drizzling rain and it happened on the Navajo Reservation. It was an unforgettable experience, but strangely enough I was not afraid even as it happened for i was fully awake and had anticipated the crash. I remember having raised my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around them as the car made a ne complete spin on the wet tar surface when she was sideswiped. I even remeber telling myself that if I was going to be hit it might as be on my passenger's side and swerve the car into the left lane.Yes I was saved by the Grace of the Lord or should i say that of the Virgin Marry whose image was stuck on the dashboard of the car. The Chevy had onc belonged to Grandma Counard my girlfriend's grandmother who gave it to her and who sold it to me for two US dollars so as to get the paper works done for the transfer of ownership.

It was the first time I was listening to the song "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd and it was a revelation of sorts for me although I was on the verge of being wiped out by a bottle of Whiskey which the owners of the apartment had provided me to sooth my nerves after a long and weary travel across the United States from the Northern City if Green Bay, Wisconsin to the South to the small town of Tombstone, Arizona. I must have written about this incident a dozen of tie over the years but sometimes it comes back to me as i woke up this mornig and I had to write wondering where or what it will reveal if I keep on writing.

The subconscious mind has its ways of revealing its hidden secrets if and whenever I am in the right state of mind - like no mind is the best state of mind. In moments like these I would be exposed to thoughts that are seemingly random and revealing to what I have been trying to understand about myself. This morning as I sat outside and after feeding the birds with bread crumbs my mind was relatively quiet. Before me were dark hevy rain clouds hovering over the green Penang Hill and the fields of the race course to my right was lush green, it was like I was in some cool western country where winter was around the corner. Suddenly the thought, You are the Atman, you are not the body or the mind, came into my head. In this dimension of your existence you are the creator, the projector of what you behold. You are the master of your own destiny and your will shall be done. Like Wow! Where did that come from  asked myself, I have long since learned not to allow my ego to entertain any further implications on this and so I as a Muslim simply recited a short prayer, Astargfirullah ilAzim, simply asking for forgiveness lest I get carried away with this self aggrandizement, Howqever i did felt elated for the moment and decided it was time to make some breakfast for myson to take with him to work. It helps me to remind myself that I am also the servant of humanity in whatever form it may be.

  

The Rambling must go on....

 As the CORVID- 19 pandemic seems to still keep lingering on and most of life has been practically turned upside down for the rich and poor alike staying home has become an option that most makes sense to me. As the saying goes, careful what you wish for and i have often wished for the solitary and silence in the comfort of my own home where i can look deeper within than having to deal with the externals. I know from years of having the same delusion that the externals is just as valid as the inner state and there is no difference to content with. I am projecting my own inner state of consciousness just as I have been doin for most of my life. My mind will always be playing the tunes of old songs repeating again and again every time I let my sense of awareness down, if nothing else i have come to realize that my mind is about the worse of my enemies in this life and there is not much that I can do about it. No amount of meditation and contemplation and no amount of getting stoned or drunk can make the difference, my mind will always be trying to bring me down towards my weaker and self defeating nature, of low self esteem and depression and worse of all yet to, fear.

I am getting too old I know to be regressing in getting my life straight, but I also have come to realize that in my quest towards self discovery or whatever name I have been giving it has done very little to heal my emotions and my thoughts are the same ols thoughts that i have had since I was young. The only consolation i feel that I have is the fact that I have been able to create an environment where I can keep on practicing what I ahve started and care for my two children as best I can. My inner journey has become my own personal trials and tribulations to deal personally with no hope for help from anyone else; I have to walk my own path to the end for better of worse. This Blog has been an ongoing record of where i ahve been and where I am headed God only knows. I have put faith into so many religions and belief systems  that I have lost faith in myself, in who I am or what I am; I have lost the confidence that I had in myself when I was not concern with the question of being in the right or being good. Most of my questions about the nature of my being has been answered at one time or another, however nothing seems to last as I keep slipping and regressing into self doubt and depression.

I find myself lately wasting my time watching movies and listening to talks and lectures on the interenet, mostly just to occupy my mind and I keep on posting sketches from my journals of my past on to the Face Book in order to keep those interested entertained if not learn something from them. I have distanced myself from my close friends and fellow artists here simply because I have lost the desire to deal with any more new dramas that would trigger my mind to latch on to as it always does. In short I am living day to day hoping that it will all come to an abrupt end, my life snuffed out from this round of my existence, even my prayers seem shallow and it seems like I am destined to ride this roller coaster whether I like it or not. If there is any silver lining to this state of consciousness that I am going through it sure is not showing on the horizon, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel I am in. I can only say one thing for it is worth, it is that I will not give up this route I have chosen. I will perservere and keep on digging deeper for answers and demand that my right be met with as a being seeking the light of truth till the day I die. 

"Eternity does not mean having endless time, it means timelessness." " If you want to experience infinite enlightenment, you need to get the past and the future out of your mind and stay in the present."

Shams-i-Tabrizi.

 

How I got myself to Sandpoint, Alaska.-1982

OM - Lead us from the unreal to the real,

          Lead us from the Darkness to light,

          Lead us from death to immortality.

Om,,,Peace...Peace...Peace.

My friend Robert Sergei and I left Green Bay, Wisconsin on the First of May and we made a pit stop at a small town called Little Suamico where Robert had some friends who were setting about to plant some 500 pine trees as an ecological venture. From there we set our journey West towards Seattle Washington which took us three days. We traveled in Rob's car a beat up Chevy Nova that had leaky fuel tank that had to be refilled every 60 miles or so; it was long and arduous journey where we slept by the roadside parks all the way when nights fell. I hardly knew Rob whom I met a month or so before the trip where we had a two man art exhibition at the Belin Hospital in Green Bay; Rob was a photographer and I was very impressed by his works which were mostly taken in, the Aleutians, Alaska. The pictures were so out of this world in nature that I became obsessed making a trip to the places they were taken even if theyw ould take me to Alaska and that was how I persuaded myself into buying a one way ticket North to Alaska.

 

   

I met Ms.Judy Pennini on the fourth of July 1982 after out fishing for Halibuts for ten days out in the Bering Sea along with four other crew members including the Captain. We had a good catch and had headed for the only restaurant in town, the Windward Cafe ran by two young ladies, Ms. Judy and Ms.Brenda, both from the 'Lower 48s'. How i made my acquaintance with Judy was perhaps one episode that the fishing community including the Boat owners and crew of most of those present for the Halibut season at Sandpoint, would forever cherish as a story worth laughing over as a fish tale. It being the 4th of July, the Windward Cafe was jam packed with customers who most had returned for the occasion; it was a mixed bunch of rough tough fishermen and well mannered lords and ladies of the small fishing community and most were two sheets to the wind. Being the last to enter the place, the crew of the Iceland led by her Captain Donald Bark sat at the first table closest to the door. When we entered I got the feeling like what was going through everyone's mind as they turned to notice our entry, the saying,"Look what the cat dragged in!" never rang more true in my mind; we were a filthy mess fresh from the sea, with no time to shit shower or shave. I might have been the only colored guy among the Aleuts and their spouses and the red necks from down south. To help celebrate the occasion and our bountiful catch, the crew of the Iceland had also just emptied a whole bottle of Jack Daniels, so much of what happened was like in a daze to me and beyond my control, pretty much

As we sat facing the whole crowd of rumbling conversations of fishermen recapping their tales of the first halibut run which lasted for ten days, I noticed one of the ladies making  pizza delivery with two large pizzas in her hands walking and I felt all my senses came alive. Her view from behind especially her long curly hair reminded me of  someone I had left behind me in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Before I knew it I blurted out loud,"I am in love!" The whole room fell dead silenced and even the dog that was lying close to the door asleep raised uup her head to see what was happening. The waitress/owner of the cafe stopped dead in her track and turned around slowly to face me from the distance and seeing her looks I blurted out again and this time even louder, "I am, in Love!" I felt the Captain's hand grabbing mine under the table and he leaned close to my ear and whispered quite tersely, "Shut the fuck up!" That was how I came to let myself be known to the Sandpoint community and the rough tough fishermen and especially to Judy Pennini of who I was. We ended up living together in her trailer home for the next two years or so. Of all the members of the FV Iceland I might have made the best catch of the season.

Mr. Phil Rowe, a former Biker for the Hell's Angels in LA, Calfornia was a crew member of the Iceland, he was also an artist. We almost went head to toe while in the midst of hauling in the lines one dark windy night on the Iceland and was stopped short by the Captain who stood by the galley door with a gun in his hand. We became good friends after that.

 

Each sketch and each picture is a moment in time and space telling their own tales.

 

A

37 Years ago, in 1983 I wrote these in my journal.- I was in Sandpoint, Alaska.

All dependency on other than one's self is Pain

Whatever is controlled by one's self, is Pleasure.

Know tis to be briefly, the definition of Pain and Pleasure.

                                The Lawbook of Manu. - 

Written in 1983 at Sandpoint, Alaska.

And look at me pass my age of 30 and still can't get my shit together. Here I am sitting in a Trailer Home in Sandpont, Alaska, passing al kinds of judgments over myself. Still asking what is the connection between the pain and pleasures of my life, how limiting can a amn get. My justification trip has not ended, sad to say, it has taken a different  shape and forms. I am the same still running in circles over some sad old songs I once sang out of tune. Selling my painting on the street, that's what Ia m doing, selling mu painting on the street. Nothing is worse in this life than the illness call, sefl doubt- it crippling both to the body and mind. I am still the same - only my doubts have changed. 

But for a Malaysian Boy from the 'Sungai Pinang Village (Better known bakc when as Kampong Selut,) I am not doing too shabby. I have come a long way from home and even if I am sitting here all by myself drinking this Budweiser Light and listening to the album 'WAR' on the stereo, I am happy to be who I am.I know I am in love with a woman who will share the rest of my life with me- this I fully accept now with no doubts. My future quests for truth and consequences...well who can tell. They call me the 'Gypsy Man', a Gypsy Man ain't got no home.

I am a boat painter now, painting boats both on canvasses as well as on the vessels themselves. I have just started working on the Fishing Vassel, Miss Ingrid and she belongs to Dicky Jacobsen. Sold a painting of the F.V. Rossella to the owner , Mr. Don Eubanks.

A letter from Charles S. Lueck, attorney at law, University of Wisconsin- Madison, Accounts Receivable Office - They are ready to crucify you, Bahari!, if you don't start payingbakc your direct student loans. Maybe thy will have to fly me out of here first and perhaps later they will let me paint or teach art in prison, or maybe if I return my diploma they will have a little more compassion and let me pay the back when I really can.

AAH Soh!! Quoting my former Professor and friend, Mr. Elmer Havens: "Every stage along life's way is fraught with these times of seeming directionless-ness, self doubt, fear and groping in the dark when nothing seems clear!"

Aah! So! Perhap I will feel better tomorrow.

Someone mentioned once somewhere that you are never to trust any man who writes about himself. At my age now, I do not give a damn if they trust me or they don't. I write to understand myself; my moments of doubts and ignorance.Perhaps it is not the wisest thing, it is ti admit to yourself your inner faults; Death is at my door, what have I to loose? I want to be awakw when we come face to face. If nothing else ut of this very ignorance I would like to grab it by the neck and demand for a bloody answer as to, why was i born in the first place. Only the heart may know. Life is suffering, upon this I will meditate: suffering is because of desire. My cardianl sin; desire! Nothing can be said that is not a desire even the very desire for me to wade through the quagmire of my desires and understand it, is a desire. To admit to yourself is not enough, to accept as you and to renounce as not anymore yours is necessary.

Some 34 years ago I was thinking along the same line as I am today about my life and practices towards self discovery. I would not have remembered this had it not been for my 34 year old journal kept while I was in Sandpoint, Alaska, loated in the Pacific Northwest in the Bering Sea; my quest did not began yesterday and this I can prove to myself.

#sandpoinalaska, 

   

10 Days in Giswil, Switzerland with My son-Timo A.

 A

MUNI Bus Riders -San Francisco - All the Lonely People.

 A

A Few Characters I met at the Zen Center in San Francisco.

And the Rambling must go on....

Each moment you live and each moment you die one frame at a time, you make your movie as you mover from one episode to the next, you are the actor the mover the director on and off screen you are no different but simply moving from one frame, one episode one event one breath to another. If you have not already realized this apparent phenomena that you are manifesting for every moment in your life, then you had better know that the fact of the matter is that you are living in an illusion that you assume to be what is reality or your life, and this is who you are.  Saidina Ali (ra) is said to have said that," You assume that you are small and insignificant, whereas within you lies a universe far greater than your mind could ever imagine and you are this universe." The Power That be did not create an insignificant entity and call it His ultimate creation, Man is the sum total of all that is and all that will ever be, for he was created complete and perfect, in the image of The Lord and man was sanctified by All that is and all that will ever be for he was created as the witness to the existence of God. If you had not realized and accept this as your Primordial Ground of Being or as your Dharma Position, your platform, then you are still groping in a world of Maya or delusion and ignorance. Hence you deserve to be enslaved by the phenomenal world to live like a cattle bred for the slaughter house.

These may sound like tall words and bombastic concepts and ideas the result of being over zealous in spirituality; it is not, it is far short of what it actually is or should be. We are the Atma Brahman. To the Hindus, we are closer to God than we ever realize and this closeness is our inherent Buddha Nature, our Divine Souls, that which is even before the beginning, unborn and deathless. To recognize and become one with this Divinity within us is our goal as spiritual adherents, truth seeker or by whatever name we would call ourselves; it is the way of the superior man., (Al insan Kamil)

What is an adherent.

a person who is loyal to a leader, group, or religion : a person who adheres to or supports a system or set of principles. adherent. noun. ad·​her·​ent | \ ad-ˈhir-ənt \

Spirituality is a broad concept with room for many perspectives. In general, it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and it typically involves a search for meaning in life. As such, it is a universal human experience—something that touches us all.

Having the knowledge that we are far greater than who we think we are simply means that we have to learn to embrace this knowledge whole heartedly and this is what 'Practice' is all about. No matter what for of practice one adopts throughout one's life, it has to be aimed at the understanding of of who we truly are beyond the concept of the word-who. This knowledge is and has always been the essence of all religious as well as spiritual practices in our humanity. Getting to fully understand our inherent nature and what we are made of or capable of is paramount in our human agenda and failing this as we are today we are in the danger of being sucked into spiritual decadence we become less than a wild beast or worse yet we become the living dead or Zombies. 

I feel like I am screaming out in the wilderness with not a soul present to let out my innermost self discoveries, self doubts, in the hope of receiving a revelation a guiding light, a simple truth as to how far or fow near am I towards beholding the truth or ending this round of death and rebirth once and for all. Words, meaningless words, thoughts and ideas comes and goes as fleeting as the clouds in an empty skies, changing in shapes and forms ever changing and in motion, ever in motion. I feel like I am drowning in a cesspool of karmic scum and clutching frantically at the strands of sanity or what little is left of it in me for my spiritual survival; I feel alone in this ordeal that I am facing. Having outlived most of my peers I realize that my time too is at hand and the question still remains in my consciousness, in my heart and in my mind, who or what am I? Will I ever come to fully realize my own Original Divine Nature or as the Buddha calls it my own Unborn Buddha Nature in this life before I physically cease to exist. 

And They said life begin at 17. Happy Birthday to Me.

 Yesterday I turned 71 and what a day it turned out to be. It started off with me not in the mood for any fuss or even think about celebrating my birthday bu decided to leave the house in the afternoon simply because it was too dull and dreary to be home alone.So I ended up at the only place that I felt was not going to cost me much and find a mind or two to communicate with. The Restaurant at the Fisherman's jetty, my regular port was my destination and there i sat with someone who I had not seen for a few years now since he moved out of the fishing community. after finding a lady and settled down. His elder brother I knew very well died about a a year ago after years of living the ife of a drug pusher and raising their youngest brother who was a handicap; theirs was never an uplifting story as the elder brother was constantly being taken off to prison and the youngest being taken care of by relatives when this happened. However I witnessed all these over the years not realizing that I was doing so and had become a apart of the scenario of their lives as they were mine. Suffering comes in many forms and some are just beyond our ability to do much about it except acceptance and so Nana and I, we talked of the old days and where and what had become of those that were.

After my cup of Nescafe I decided to visit one of the huts or 'pondok' where I usually hang out with the boys and left Nana by himself watching some Turkish drama series on TV. I found the regular guys at the hut and sat chatting with them while one of them was in the process of frying some rice noodles. I have known Rosli for over twelve years now since I started visiting the fisherman's jetty area and he had always loved to cook. He was also responsible for building the small hut we were in which is built over the water as most of the fisherman's hut are. As a matter of fact he had his hand in building most of these huts from way back when for as long s I have known him perhaps even before. Rosli, or better known as Lee Bakoi among those who knew him is well respected in the community and runs the coffee shop at the restaurant. Here is one of my long term friendship that's worth more than money can buy. Throughout my life I have a few whom I hold in high esteem especially in how they affect my life. There's David Carlson who recently suffered a stroke livng in, Ensinada, Baja California, we met and became friends in San Francisco, through whom I met and married Nancy, my late wife. There's jerry Sule from Green Bay. Wisconsin, when I met him he was 17 years old and he traveled with me on one of my trips to the South West of the US. I was squatting n his mom and dad's basement at one time while I was going to college at UWGB. Jerry is now in his early fifties and a grandfather.

I value people in my life especially those I feel who I could trust and get along with for a long period of time, These are people who can help you by becoming a mirror to yourself and this is crucial in my effort towards self discovery. Then there those that push your buttons and can make you spin like drunk by their ruthlessness in being bound and determined to bring you down and these too over time and with better understanding have become my mentors, my negative aspects of mirror images. I realize much earlier that I learn my lessons well from all the negative relationships I have had in my life. I also found that those closest to me as in siblings and relatives are the ones that I have to watch out for. A close friend once told me that  I had better watched out for my reputation in life and I failed to heed his advice closely and today in many circumstances my relationship failed on account of my neglect to discipline myself when having a relationship especially with the opposite sex. However, live and learn as they say and some had to learn the hard ways. 

How did my birthday ended? Well by the end of the day I was high as a kite and received an expensive watch as a gift right off a friend's wrist the moment i told him it was my birthday. I received a message from my estranged son the Captain who lost his job and on his way back home to the US to live with his Mom, wishing me a Happy Birthday; a pleasant surprise. The downside was that I learned that my daughter was going to quit her job as she had had enough of her boss, who happens to be my good friend. Hence so much for a day in my life looking at 71 years down the road, the things I gained and the relationships I lost and they say life begins at 70! Or was it 17?

    

     

Peeking into the windows of my past.

I walked up and down Page Street looking for the Zen Center at 300 Page Street, the first safe place I could find refuge for my first night in this Big City. I took my first bart ride that took me to Burkley, it was because the Korean Monk was headed that way according to the brochure I was given and it was a t Tibetan Center or Temple.; a good place to ask for help. Then I saw a sign for a Zen Center right near where I stopped, it was the SF Zen Center in Burkley. I approached them and was turned away without any second thought. I was disappointed and as I walked passed a shop window on it was a small poster with the image of Lord Ganesha on it. It said that there would a celebration in the Golden Gate Park to commemorate some Hindu Day, like Thaipusam over here in Malaysia. Perhaps the hare Krishna People would be more helpful and so I found my way to the Park by asking directions and what to ride to where I wanted to go, it was nnot hard at all, everyone I met was helpful. They looked at me perhaps feeling sorry after listening to my tale of how I had got there all the way from Green Bay, Wisconsin; I allow myself to be at the Mercy of whatever arose for there was not running back. 

Hoping it to be like the Hindu celeberations in my country, there would always be free food for the needy like me, but no such luck. Safron baggy pants abd bald headed devotees were dancing around all happy and joyful. Big tents under which huge posters of the Guru and his story, more Indian than Indian so I walked back to the road and stood at a corner wondering where Page Street could be, Before i was about to ask someone I looked up the road sign above my head and there it said Page Street! As I walked down the street after a few sores I noticed a lady dressed in a long black dress with her black curly hair spreading around her hed like a halo was looking at me. I smiled, what else is one to do and she waved me to her store. I went up to her and saw that she owned a Curio Store that all kinds of spiritual items with even a white huma skull inside when I entered at her invitation. Let me read your cards she said and I asked how it would cost me and she said 25 dollars. Wow1! Can I afford this? I asked myself and she was saying, it is worth much more than you can imagine. So I sat and she read my Tarot for me. The card I pulled out the Devil and it shocked me. She asked why I was so surprised and I told her the Devil was not exactly what I had in mind.

She went on to explain to me how on this journey I was embarking the Devil was my companion, my aid. She explained and it made sense but I was still shaken and not totally convinced. I left her twenty five dollar short and a heavy heart and headed down the street looking for 300 Page Street. I came upon what looked like a huge Georgian style Mansion and it said 300, Page Street and I walked in with great hopes. I saw a pot bellied bald headed with large and thick spectacles reading a News Paper at the reception table and I approached him timidly. He wa firm as I had expected giving me the, you got to be kidding look. Aplace for the night, which caravan did you drift into the City, Boy?! As I was talking to him I glanced at what look like the meditation hall and a huge painting of the Bodhidharma staring down at me from the distance and I thought to myself that one day I wll sit in that meditation hall and I walked out. I would like to mention here that the gentleman whoose name If I am not mistaken, came to my family farewell party when we were leaving for Sendai, Japan in 1995. 

Later during my stay at Green Gulch Zen Center we had a few seven day Seshins at the City Center and I sat in the meditation hall as I had promised myself and stared back up at the Bodhidharma painting. I even helped my Instructor who is a master japanese carpenter at the Gulch, to build a rostrum from where the Abbot delivered his first sermon upon being ordained as the Abbot of SF Zen Center.
Tenshin Zenki Reb Anderson is a Zen teacher and lineage holder in the Sōtō Zen tradition of Shunryu Suzuki. He is a Senior Dharma teacher at the San Francisco Zen Center and at Green Gulch Farm Zen Center in Marin County, California, where he lives. Wikipedia 
My encounter with reb Anderson was when he came over where I was sitting on my cushions for seven day Seshin  and whispered agressively to stop breathing so loudly or he was going to throw me out of the Zendo. From then on I practiced mindfulness breathing more diligently. In all the time I was at green Gulch Reb and I steered clear of each other but e always smiled and bowed to each other when we passed. I know that if it had not been for my Instructor and Teacher and friend Paul Discoe I would not have lasted too long at The Gulch. Paul ran the Gulch Community, he brought it back to life while I was there as the lace was still in a mourning state trying to recover from the First Abbot, Baker Roshi's scandal. I was fortunate to have been one oh his student during those recovery years and I was all out being myself fighting the demons in my mind.

Paul Discoe was in on the ground floor of Zen architecture in the United States. In the 1960s he became a student of Zen Buddhism, studying and building at the Tassajara complex in northern California. His own wood-based Zen-Buddhism architectural structures and renovations in the United States and Europe are the focus of this book. With passionate prose, Discoe identifies the elements of Buddhism that are represented in his buildings and describes the trials and triumphs of blending current building methods and codes of the United States with ancient Japanese joinery techniques. Zen-Inspired Architecture has delightful photography of his structures, and the illustrations show just how a Zen structure has its beginnings. 

I just sent a fb friendship request to my Teacher and I hope he accepts it, We used to sit around the small stove and do our meditation pracie in the form of pulling out nodules from the rice straw which later was used as the mortar for the Japanese Tea House at Green Gulch. We sat ten to fifteen of us huddled into our cloaths heads bowed and fingers busy sorting straw from nodules. Not a word uttered sometimes for two hours straight because we enjoyed it despite the cold. That was the Zen practice that i experienced and began to get deeper into as I was willingly able to accept and endure the pain the pain becomes your teacher of letting go. To let go of the past and not expecting anything of the future, to be absorbed in the moment lost in space and time, this was what I finally learne from the practice. ..I drifted way out into the vast ocean hoping that she would swallow me but she did not, she kept me alive and allowed me to swim back to shore, where the fields of suffering are still in bloom and ...and this too will pass.

How I ended up spending ten years of my life in San Francisco.

I have been posting more of my sketches from the past of San Francisco at the present moment where I had spent over ten years of my life ( re- Face Boook addr. Shamsul Bahari). Where I met my late wife Nancy and had two children there. These sketches are of the everyday life and situations, mostly focused on the cafes and restaurants where I ahd visited as a customer, some on a regular basis, like The Clarion on Mission and sixreenth for those wh know the City. As an artist I had a few solo exhibitions in the area and it was some of my memorable days that will be cherished in my mind as a landmark. I remember the day I stepped out of the San Francisco International Airport with my bag Pack on my back and portfolio full of prints in the other. I had just arrived on a Flight from Austin Stroebel Airport in Green Bay, Wisconsin after closing eight years of living in the Mid West State of Wisconsin. I had burned my bridges behind me, I was on the road on a one way ticket. 

My intention was to find my way to meet Dennis Kelly the eldest son of Rosella Kelly a fellow prin making club member at the Print making studio at UWGB> Rossela in her sixties back then and i was standing by the copper plate polishing table elbow to elbow, one evening and otu of the blue she said in my ear, "Sam, I think that you have to leave Green Bay and move on with your life. I was stunned but I agreed with her without hesitation. She saw me like her son needed to be nudged in the guts to wake me up; this was the lesson I cherish most in my experience with the Print Making Club, The she said, "You know you should go and join my son who has just been ordained as a Zen Piest in New York. He is about to open his own place, maybe you can help him." Yes! My heart leapt in me, a door has opened and I am going to step in, into what lies ahead, into the unknown. So I ran around trying t raise enough cash and said goodbyes to those I left behind and I was on the plane before I nkew what was happening. Only I was not heade to new York but to San Francisco instead. Dennis had changed his mind, instead of opening his Zendo in New York he had decided to move to the San Francisco Bay Area, in Marin County to be exact. 

As I stepped out of the sliding doors I felt the heat hit me and physically spun me back into the airport and as I was swung around I bumped into a bald headed all clad in white robes swinging a thick walking stick Korean  Zen Monk. We automatically bowed to each other in apology. I was given a leaflet by one of his assistants as they rushed him into a waiting Limo and they left me standing there feeling like Wow! This is not happening. This was how I felt upon my arrival into the City of San Francisco where I had since spent over ten years of my life. I loved the City with her mixed cultures and out of the ordinary people whose life was intertwined with each other in harmony. The poor and the rich alike had their own charms, From those who lives in the Sunset District to the Homeless one sees the  harmony of coexistence, of mutual respect and tolerance. This was back then when I had joined the community moving from one life style to another till I was married and had children. Mostly through my vocations i got to know the San Franciscans and their City. It was the best and the worse times of my life, and then again when was it ever not. I remember celebrating my fortieth birthday at the Fairmont Hotel in Down Town SF courtesy of my former boss,Will Harris Jr. We were the only ones there my wife and I and was taken care of with special attention. I also remember when I had to leave Green Gulch Farm after two yeas of Practice as a Zen Student, practically booted out for being accused of a 'Disruptor.' I found myself Homeless. I was out on the streets of SF with only whatever I had on my back. 

I did help Dennis to open up his Zendo at 20 Magnolia Blvd. in Corte Madeira in Marin County. Dennis had rented two classrooms of an abandoned school joined together to make one larger room for his Zendo. Through Dennis's connections, I started my first regular job working for an English man who did renovations and installations of office buildings around the SF Bay Area. He was a great man to work for, a no nonsense Englishman who got the job done no matter what was asked to be done. I landed at Green Gulch Farm/Zen Community after I fell ill and could not do heavy physical labor. Having nowhere to go or anyone to turn to I pleaded to be allowed to stay at green Gulch to nurse myself back to health. In more than one way I saw my destiny being played out as things evolved from one phase of my life to another. I was destined to fulfill my original intention of joining a Zen Monastery upon arrival in SF, however i did not realize how this was to happen.   

I am not the body, nor a I the mind.

As I breath in I know I am not the body and as I breath out I know that I am not even the mind. This is a meditation practice that has been instructed by Sadhguru Jagadish Vasudev, the founder of the worldwide Isha Foundation in India, (isha.sadhguru.org). For a more detailed information one may Google it. I find this meditation practice to be very effective in the process of detachment of one's original divine nature or simply one's soul from the external influences ans stimulus. My identification with my body as well as my mental formations has been the cause of just about every ailments that i suffer from in this life. It is a matter of fact that my being indentified with my physical and mental attributes have created the bondage I am in, in this life. I am not saying this from having read or heard heresay of the matter but I am saying it because in my years of walking this path of self discovery I find it to be true, however I had no way of putting it into real practice as the Sadhguru's instructions has pointed out.

 The mind is an instrument that has a never ending, continuous state of flux of thoughts and mental formations, including dreams and imaginations. Of itself the mind is a non entity, devoid of self actualization, however when being in the state of consciousness the mind becomes an instrument or a tool of expression and manifestation in relative to the external environment. It is only with the presence of an observer or a witness that the mind exist just as the computer is a non entity untill it is being program by the user. Through the history of man, the human mind has been a subject of in depth study albeit in the form of spiritual, religious, scientific or psychological. Questions were raised as to why do we think or how, does thoughts manifests our existence or are we victims or our own ignorance of our thinking mind.  In growing up, as soon as we are able to think we are confronted with the idea that we are who we think ourselves to be. As we mature and grow older we cling on to the ideas that our thoughts define who we are and that great men are great thinkers. Can consciousness exist without thoughts, or can thoughts exist without consciousness? This is a tricky question that most are not even aware of in a lifetime of existence in thoughts and consciousness. 

I got no answer to these 'out there' kind of questions so I am not going to kid myself as though I can handle the topic, perhaps i can but it would be lengthy and boring effort and there are great minds that have already dealt with this issue, like Nisargadata Maharaj for one and if you follow the topic and you will track down many others on the Internet - just Google it, hate to say it. However for those who are on the road to truly find out, it is imperative that we do the reserch into this phenomena of thoughts and consciousness and how they are related and affect to our daily existence. If and when we have understood the connections we might look at it further into the connection beteen thoughts, consciousness and what is awarenss. Yes there is another level of our psyche that most have little or no understanding of and pretty much left untouched where in trying to understand our human consciousness is concern. Awareness and what it entails to be come aware and who is aware of all that is going on, aware of consciousness and thought processes and so forth. The question arise again, can awareness exist without consciousness and the thought processes? Again this is another study and research to be done for those incline towards self discovery and understanding of who or what we truly are. Otherwise it is a waste of time to try to make sense out ofthis nonsense

I simply have to keep going at it like a bad hbit as  hav made it my persuit in life to dive as deep as I can hold my breath in order to touch the bottom of my primordial ground of being. To me it is more and more aparent that there is nothing more important worth striving for than the course i had laid for myself and that to full ycome to understand the inner workings of my body mind and spirit. I am finding it more and more of a revelation that is happenng to me about myself. I walk away from unnecessary confrontations alot better nw than I ever had and I am getting much better at becoming detach from any negative or impertinent thought that rises in my mind. I feel alot lighter in being. There is no doubt that I am still infested with old negative habits,  however I acknoledge them just as such and nothing more accepting my weaknesses and aspire to end them as I become more detached from them a step at a time. I also realize that the situation I am in my life at the moment is not conducive to taking any drastic measures towards isolating myself in a retreat where i can focus deeper into my practice at self realization, however I aim to eventually work my way towards this goal of total renunciation of this physical and materialistic external oriented form of existence. I know that at my age it is not only possible but must be arrived at if I am to seriously be able to liberate myself from the illusory form, mental formation kind of existence. 

I am not the body and nor am I the mind and this I hold to be the truth as Sadhguru Vasudev had preached and with this realization i feel I have found yet another stepping stone towards deepening my practice of meditation.