Like it really matters what others like to read about what you write! Damn sometimes I get lost in my perception of why I write this Blog that it becomes the block or so called mental block. This is how my mind functions often times like it would go on and on on why at certain times on certain topics I would get so much hits and then at other times on a totally different topic and I would loose all my readers, like it really matters. It used to be and perhaps still is that when I paint or do any kind of art i would practically have my twin brother and his wife perched over my shoulders passing comments and often not too friendly ones. Like it mattered what they think and it happened over the years ever since I can remember; its an illness is all I can say. The need to please others, to prove that I am good at what I do and especially to those who are closely related to me but out to cut me to pieces every chance they get for one reason or another. Even as i am writing or have been over the years when I started this Blog. I am still being shadowed by my eldest brother who was at one time my English teacher at my secondary school. Back when nothing I wrote ever pleased him and every chance he got he would chastise my work, perhaps it was for the good, but it still don;t feel positive.
So here I am at the wee morning hours in my seventieth year of my life still feeling like I have to be pleasing a few key characters in my life who in the past and still perhaps takes me for lesser a person than who I am; this is sick! I have endured and still am carrying this crap on my shoulders like a rotting albatross never been able to shake it loose and I am sure the feeling is mutual as to date we unresolved issues between us that has kept us apart as brothers. As always I would go on writing about this trying to justify myself as to why I deserve their frown and end up telling that I love them none the less as I have done on many occasions making this Blog entries in the past. The truth is, it does not work, I still cannot shake off this feeling being belittled or look down upon and it seems like I am having to carry it to my grave.
Enough is enough. I am through carrying this guilt feelings and I hope that for whatever it is worth by exposing these feelings out in the open it would help me to unburden my mind from being haunted by those who has passed harsh judgments and criticism of my character in the past, present and perhaps into the future. I have earned my rights of passage not to feel like a victim of my own siblings and those who have the same ire towards me and my ways. I never claimed to be a perfect man by a long shot and yes perhaps deserves most of what i have been accused of, sorry I am, but sorry is never good enough, it is like I need to keep falling flat on my face before I can earn their forgiveness if not respect. Knowing the fingers that have been pointing at me are far from perfect themselves, all i can say now is fuck it! What is done is done and i cannot change the past but I can unload the crap I have in my mind today and walk on for what it is worth so I do not have to keep apologizing to myself for whatever wrong i have committed.
I have been posting this Blog over ten years now partly also as a catharsis with the hope that i can clean up my negative past experiences involving others. I have in so many words been apologizing to one and all those I have wronged, but this morning I am through feeling sorry and for whatever good it may do to my mind and spirit, I am moving on. This is as my Lord is my witness, the end game, no more carrying of dead carcasses on my back. I purify myself from this feeling of being a terminal sinner, I free myself from my mental crucifixion. If I have to pay for my sins I accept it as my karmic consequences and will be reborn as whatever I am deserving of, or spend my time in hell; I am done apologizing to humans. This delusion has been my cancer virus that I eradicate with pure consciousness of knowing who I am or die from it willingly without remorse.
I am Whole,
Complete and Perfect,
Strong and Powerful,
Loving and Compassionate,
Harmonious and Happy.
I am the Soul, I am the Spirit.
and I can do what I Will to do, so help me, God.
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