A Christmas Eve not easy to forget.

Yea, as I walk through this highway of life, let no negative thoughts feelings and perceptions stand in my way.
Let not all those whose negative thoughts, vibes and intentions burden me with guilt and fear.
Let no thoughts of mine be laced with negative intentions towards others and myself.
Let me be free from all the suffering of humanity and yet empathize
 towards those who suffer in my own way.
I call upon You my Lord to allow me to be who I am and my redemption be true and just.
I humble myself before Your Will in all that I do and find the Grace to carry out my life to the end with Your Blessings.
 Your servant.
Amen. 

What I woke up with this morning as I sat in meditation on my bed. I have lived life to the best or worse of my ability and have been through heaven and hell in every moment often with complete realization. I am still carrying many old twisted karma and perhaps still creating new ones but, "all in all" as song goes, "the rain will fall, like tears from the sky. All in all the rain will say, how fragile we are...how fragile we are," (Sting). It was the Christmas eve of 1990 and I had just finished a job of cleaning the inside of a vacuum truck containing slurry of cement mixed with sand that had been sucked into the vacuum tank by mistake. This would have ended with the loss of few thousand dollars worth of equipment had the content not been emptied before the cement sets to dry. With a handful of my fellow employees we worked all evening emptying the vacuum truck with the help of a Vector truck, picks and shovels. We completed the tiresome task before sunset at H&H Ship Services, on the water front of San Francisco.

My late wife was pregnant and had left for Illinois to celebrate Christmas with her parents and thus I was left alone to usher in the Christmas eve, I walked all the way to Market Street from where I worked and along the way spotted a small grocery store still opened and bought me a whole piece of chicken and a bottle of wine among other things to make my Christmas dinner. As I stood with these groceries in my hands on the curb of Market Street at Folsom waiting for the Haight Street bus I watched people milling all over the area headed for their homes or simply doing their last minute shopping. I was very tired but I felt fine having saved a vacuum truck from being rendered useless; I was the Yard Boss after all and it was my duty. I felt.

Then I noticed a homeless elderly man in his late fifties or early sixties sitting on slab with is body half on the slab while the other was hanging and kicking like he was having a heat attack. It happened before, this being in the 'Twilight Zone' feeling, as time seemed to have slowed down and all sound evaporated around me an my eyes were glued to this man struggling by himself clutching his huge chest. I walked over to him like in a dream and sat down my groceries and attended to him as I watched his large hand clutched in a ball while another grabbing at his chest. Not knowing what else to do I started massaging his chest and moved close to his face whispering to him to relax and breath. I noticed his saliva was dripping mixed with blood and he was in tremendous pain if not frightened. I kept massaging his chest while talking to him and I heard someone standing beside shouting Jesus this and Jesus that while another shouted, shut the fuck up and let the man do his thing. As I finally broke my physical contact with the man I felt his heart beat at the tip of my fingers.

After a while i noticed the man unclenched his fist and his body began to drop on to the slab like he was getting better and as i was still doing this I noticed a pair of boots beside me and the owner was a cop who said please stay with him till ambulance got there. When the man was himself I got up and walked away not looking back and as I walked away to the bus stand i noticed the sound and buzz of life started to come back in my senses. I got on the bus and headed home. While walking to my apartment at 91 Haight Street, I noticed a young man laying all curled up in a corner of a porch trying to fall asleep in the cold. I approached him and handed him my bottle of wine, "Here this should help to keep you warm." I told him and left him with some change I had in my pocket. It all happened like i was sleep walking the whole time until I sat in my room. it hit me how alone I felt on that Christmas Eve, but I had a bed and a whole piece of chicken to  celebrate with that evening. But for the Grace of God it could have been me lying on that slab off Market Street or lying there in the cold on a porch with nothing to look forward to and no one to share with.
Such Is! Such Is. Heaven and Hell is right where you are if your mind is fully conscious and receptive, you do not have to wait for the afterlife.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!