Reminiscing my Childhood Days

a

!950 - Alongside my twin Brother and one of  our Grand Uncles from Sri Lanka or known as Ceylon back then and I was at the left hand most in the picture. It is sad if not unfortunate that I never got to know much about my grand father and father's heritage. Now at seventy I realize that it was meant to be as most in my family are not too keen to have much to do with our patriarchal side of our ancestors. I am deeply proud of having such an old and cultured heritage to look back on rather than call myself a pure Malay.

My teenage years were spent along the East Coast of the peninsular in the State of The Terengganu, a predominantly Malay-Muslim state. This was in the sixties and  like all teenagers we believed ourselves to be 'boys in the hood'. We were among the pioneers of  recklessness and change in the State.

We ailed from the best school in the State that is today still considered among the top schools in the country and the years we attended English was the medium of education. Sultan Sulaiman Secondary School is located along the seashores of the South China Sea. 

Most weekends would find me hunting, fishing or simply exploring the pristine and scenic beauty of the State that was back then not yet fully developed. Almost all of the islands scattered along the East Coast were not inhabited and there was hardly any tourist that visits them except locals and snorkeling off these islands was one of my favorite pastime..My brothers and I had collected a good collection of  colorful rare species of shells that today is displayed in showcase in my eldest Brother's living room reminding us of our blessed past. 

M y art teacher was Reza Piadasa who later in life became a very well known and controversial artist in the country whose works can be found in prominent galleries. Here we posed while working on his first pieces that made it into the National Art Gallery in Kuala Lumpur.. The boxes were created by my industrial arts teacher Mr. Ong.(sitting in the middle). The late Mr. Pia had a great influence on me as an artist with his provocative thoughts and ideas being educated in England and later in the United States.  He was a voracious reader and would speak his mind regardless of the topic. 

My twin and I were members of the First Terengganu Boys Scouts Troop and the following pictures were of our visit to Penang to attend the First Malaysian Jamborees. 

Being a Boy Scout was a proud moment in my  life as we had a very active troop that did many activities in and around the State of Terengganu. It was as a scout member that I grew to love nature and the wild making an effort of spend every chance I had to explore the hinterland of the country.

FIRST MALAYSIAN JAMBOREE

The first Malaysian Scout Jamboree was declared open by the Yang di-Pertuan Agong, Sultan Ismail Nasiruddin Shah of Terengganu on Dec 5, 1966. Apart from Kedah Sultan, Sultan Abdul Halim Mu'adzam Shah, Penang Governor, Raja Tun Uda Al-Haj and Sabah Yang di-Pertua Negeri, Pengiran Ahmad Raffae Pengiran Omar, the ceremony was also attended by 2,328 participants from Taiwan, Great Britain, Brunei, India, South Korea, Laos, Nepal, New Zealand, Philippines, Singapore, Thailand as well as host country Malaysia.

In his speech, Sultan Ismail expressed hope that the Jamboree would serve as a guidance for the unity, friendship and understanding between the people of various races in this world. He also lauded scout members, donors and volunteers for their tireless contribution towards the organisation and success of the Jamboree.

A 1940s scout song book compiled by the Galahad Patrol, 1st Penang Rover Crew.

The next two consecutive days were respectively named 'Governor's Day' and 'Prime Minister's Day' when the Jamboree extended a warm welcome to Raja Tun Uda on the second day, and Malaysia's Prime Minister Tunku Abdul Rahman Al-Haj on the third. When delivering his speech, Tunku reminded everyone present of the sacred Scout Promise, commenting that it was one of the underlying factors that led to the rapid expansion of the movement during the turn of the 20th century. In 1966, the Malaysian scout membership number stood at 58,000.

The Prime Minister also said that loyalty to God and King together with the will to help others at all times were the strongest possible basis for good citizenship and help foster unity among the different races in Malaysia. Reminding everyone of the Chin Peng led communist threat that was still looming in the jungles of the country at that time, Tunku expressed hope that more young boys would join the Scout Movement as he saw it as an effective answer to 'the evil force called communism

Headed into the wild country. Along with an American friend who was working for a seismic survey team for the oil exploration off the Terengganu coast . I was then employed as a radio operator for a British Helicopter Company servicing the oil exploration ships, Bristow Helicopters our of Surret, England. This trip was to Sekayum a waterfall area in Ulu Terengganu that is today a favorite public picnic  area. This trip also caused me to be bed ridden for four months later with Malaria.

Sekayu today - Sekayu Recreational Forest is only an hour’s drive from Kuala Terengganu and 15 km from Kuala Berang. The Sekayu Waterfall is right at the fringe of highland where the rushing waters create a seven tier waterfall. The pools, the cascading waterfalls and the foliage surroundings create the perfect ambience for visitors to relax and rejuvenate. The surrounding area is also well-equipped with picnic spots, resting huts, camping sites and chalets.

The Secret of the Golden Flower - 3

"While sitting, one must, therefore, always keep the heart quiet and the power concentrated. How can the heart be made quiet? By breathing. The heart alone must be conscious of the blowing in and out of the breath ; it must not be heard with the ears. If it is not heard, then the breathing is light; if light, it is pure. If it can be -heard, then the breathing power is heavy; if heavy, then it is troubled; if it is troubled, then laziness and absent-mindedness develop and one wants to sleep. That is self-evident."

If one is able to trace back my past posting related to meditation it will be found that breathing is the key to all forms of meditation for it is the breath that is the connection between the mind and the body, the bridge between the mundane and the divine. As the zen saying goes, "Breathing is like a swinging door, you breath in it swings in, you breath out it swings out and if you stop breathing you are dead." No matter how profound or esoteric a meditation technique may be, it is the breath the plays the vital role in making it work. Mastering the art f proper breathing can help one in more than one way through life as a matter of fact it may help to save your life in times of need. Three nights ago I had an attack that could have been a minor stroke or some gastric reflux, that I felt was going to need and ambulances. I almost called out to my daughter who was laying in her room but decided not to scare her and laid down in my bed instead. I have had this attacks before and so I decided I was going to confront it like I have done before. 

The first words that came out of my mouth was, "Innalillahi  wainnalillahi rojiun", or from Him I came and to Him I return. I was not really scared but was pleasantly surprised that the first thing that came to my mind was my Lord, The little voice in my head whispered to me to stay calm and let go allow the process to take it course. Breath into the heart area where the pain was. I surrendered into the pain and felt my breath slowly releasing the tightness in my chest until it was back to normal again. I have learned my lesson a long time ago when I had my serious  (heart attack?) not to panic and force myself to breath. I had passed out a few times in the past but have kept it to myself simply because I had always wanted to see if I can find the way to heal myself and avoid the fuss and worry that it would cause others; at this age I really do not mind dying at all. I have lived to be seventy a bonus, more so than my peers whom I have helped to bury. But I feel if I am to die I wish to do it on my own terms and not at the mercy of doctors and as a matter of fact I would like to die fully and consciously.

It is not that I am not afraid of death, but I have been preparing myself for the experience of my final breath with a mind that is lucid and not in fear, InshaAllah, God willing. I have always looked forward to embracing death as my final journey towards understanding who I am and sadly enough even if I will not able to post the experience in my Blog, it will be my final act as one who has devoted his life to living to the fullest and ending it with dignity. Hence my deep rooted interest in the art of meditation with the focus on breathing. Perhaps to some it is a morbid thing to be dwelling on death and dying as a practice, but I see it as higher cause towards understanding our ultimate fear, that of facing death. It is said that nothing is more sobering than to know that you are going to die sooner of later as such what could be a more practical study than to understand the process itself before it happens. Most religions prepare you for the afterlife, few explains to you how to face the death process itself.       

The Secret of the Golden Flower -2

"THE SECRET OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER says you have to be exactly in the middle, neither male nor female, no leaning to any extreme. Then there is balance. Then one is active and yet remains inactive deep inside. Then one is inactive and yet remains active on the outside. On the outside be sun-oriented, on the inside be moon-oriented. Let sun and moon meet in you, and you be just exactly in the middle. And in the middle is transcendence."

I have studied The Secret of The Golden Flower  a few years now off and on ever since I stumbled upon it on the Internet and it had become a compendium to my various other studies into the mysteries of the human mind. This s especially true in my interest various techniques of meditation such as Yoga, Zen, Tantra, Subud and so forth. I grew up staring at the horizon, at blazing sunsets, at mountain ranges and vast forests in awe, respecting the Creator whose hand had laid these wonders in front of me. I was often lost in them as though in a trance and became a part of it all until I was snapped back into myself by someone or something. Meditation  came to me quite naturally as I was also prone to day dreaming and quite often punished for t in my classrooms. However I cannot claim myself an introvert as I also like to entertain others like singing and playing the guitar, tell my tales of travels and human experiences and I have also been called a good listener. In this I find the balance between inner and outer communication like being able to share my inner self discoveries instead of being a recluse.

"The Master hinted at this secretly when he said : At the beginning of the work one must sit in a quiet room, the body like dry wood, the heart like cooled ashes. Let the lids of both eyes be lowered ; then look within and purify the heart, cleanse the thoughts, stop pleasures and conserve the seed."

Herein lies the key to the Secret of the Golden Flower in practice. The ability to meditate, to be able to brig all your thoughts to a point f concentration and finally terminate all together effortlessly is the key to immortality. Easier said than done as there are other factors to be considered after this has been accomplished. For those genuinely interested in exploring the possibility of a higher spiritual awakening through meditation and contemplation I would suggest to make a study of this ancient Sutra and perhaps your understanding will surpass mine and benefit from it more so than I have.
#The Secret of the Golden Flower, #meditation,# contemplation 

The Secret of the Golden Flower - 1

As the year 2019 is slowly receding into history, I feel like I have come to a better understanding of who I truly am, perhaps who I am finally evolving into being. Not much to brag about in truth except that in 2019 I had achieved my intention to make it the year where I managed to have a solo exhibition at a well known gallery here in Georgetown, Penang. I celebrated my 70th. birthday on the opening day and sold a few pieces that has been covering our daily expenses since. I have also been able to continue on Blogging with an daily posting of my Blog which has numbered to 2300 posting thus far since the day I began Blogging. Attended to my children's need especially my daughter's making sure that she does not have too much to deal with her domestic issues and allows her to better focus on her work. I have learned to let go off a few of my regular habits and tendencies, like the regular places I would visit and the same faces that I see as in truth I see nothing much really changes and I was becoming a art of the stagnant scene.

I am now concentrating on studying the Daimond Sutra of the Buddha's teachings on You Tube as a practice to help me keep in mind of what I had learned at the monastery in the past. In more than one way it has helped me to see through many minor issues especially when anger and impatience arises in me or when I feel depression creeping up to foil my day. I feel more at home now being at home and the outdoors has lesser attraction as I leave the house only to take care of what really needed to be done, like grocery shopping. I find that the lesser i deal with others the better I deal with myself as when there is less external vexations I encounter the better I began to see my inner workings. I meditate more than ever and enjoy just sitting and watching how my mind runs in circle over matters that are of no consequence and sieve through over matters that are relevant towards the cleansing of my spiritual slate.  

"The Temple of the Living God is within you!" The Christ might have said this somewhere sometime and I see the truth in this. One of my references in my search for truth has been this Literature;-

"A man of soul is always dangerous because a man of soul is a free man. He cannot be reduced to slavery. A man who has an immortal soul in him has a deeper commitment to existence itself, to God himself. He does not care a bit about the man-made structures of society, civilization and culture; these are prison cells for him. He does not exist as a Christian or a Hindu or a Mohammedan. He cannot be part of a crowd. He exists as an individual. The body is part of a crowd, your soul is not. Your soul is deeply individual. Its flavor is that of freedom. But your soul cannot be put to any use in the market-place. The society needs only your body. And it is very dangerous for the society if you start striving for the soul, because then your interest changes. You turn from being all extrovert into an introvert; you start moving inwards. The society is outside, the society wants you to remain an extrovert, interested in money, power, prestige, and all that, so that your energy goes on moving outwards. If you start moving inwards, that means you have become a drop-out, you are no more part of the game that is being played on the outside. You don’t belong to it." - The Secret of the Golden Flower.
This book, THE SECRET OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER, IS one of the most esoteric treatises in the world. It will show you the way to become more than the body. It will show you the way to go beyond death. It will show you the way to bloom – how not to remain a seed but to become a Golden Flower. What in India we have called the one-thousand-petaled lotus, in China they call the Golden Flower. It is a symbol." - OSHO.

I had always thought of my not having a female companion since my late wife departed has created an imbalance in my spiritual practice. This I realized is not true for it is not just due to having an opposite sex in one's life that creates this balance of the male and female energy in one, I realized that in living life consciously as both male and female in virtues creates this balance. Simply taking care of the house chores, treating others with love and warmth and unconditional love of a mother, feeling deeply passionate about the little things, like tending the garden or feeding the cats in life and so forth makes for one to become feminine in nature. Consciousness of keeping this inner balance helps to keep expressions of anger, envy, frustration and even despair in check as it is in the feminine nature that these negative traits are less so to happen; the mother is more patient. 

"THE SECRET OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER says you have to be exactly in the middle, neither male nor female, no leaning to any extreme. Then there is balance. Then one is active and yet remains inactive deep inside. Then one is inactive and yet remains active on the outside. On the outside be sun-oriented, on the inside be moon-oriented. Let sun and moon meet in you, and you be just exactly in the middle. And in the middle is transcendence. " - Osho.
#The Secret of the Golden Flower, #Osho, #  



     

My two cents worth for 2020.

    Before I write this post I would like to send each and everyone on this Planet  -

THE VERY BEST OF SEASONS GREETING AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MAY 2020 BE A BLESSED YEAR FULFILLING OUR VISIONS.

I hope we will embrace the year 2020 with greater determination  and commitment towards our peace and prosperity, towards healing the planet with our positive collective energies. Let us all become fully awaken to Peace and Harmony for all sentient beings. Let us not dwell on the negative tendencies that we have, overcome our sense of humanity and love towards one another. We are interdependent beings and no man is an island unto himself and we share the same air and water for our lives; we are one in essence. Being charitable to those in need is the doorway towards spirituality, giving will always bring you more is the law. Let us walk together hand in hand towards the successful achievement of our vision and dreams and help others along the path.

A smile, a kind word, a cup of water, a piece of bread, "The beggar at your door is my greatest gift for you." says the Lord. If you have nothing positive to add, silence is a virtue. Life may be suffering, but you can suffer without bitterness in your heart, let this be the true mark of your integrity and perseverance as a human being. Harbor no ill will towards those who have wronged you for they too have their karmic consequences to work out. No man is free from the laws of cause and effect, we all have our baggage to carry and thus if you see your brother falling by the road with that heavy load, offer him a helping hand, or even a comforting smile of true love and compassion; judge not.

As the year 2020 approaches let us all become aware of what lay in store for us and our future generation. Lets us leave a legacy behind us that will  be remembered with dignity and pride. Let us become true custodians of our planet and take charge of its well being. Let us do our part no matter how small and insignificant it may seem. We are here not as parasites and viruses that destroys our host but we are the care givers and care takers and this is our temporary home on loan to us. let us leave it in better condition than we had found it. 

Happy New Year!

I was once a Martial Arts Student.- 3

I am thankful that I never had to really put my martial arts study in to practice in a manner of a life threatening situation except on a few occasion like when I was invited to spar with aTae Kwon Do Black belt student in Green Bay, Wisconsin during my college years. The head instructor was a close friend by the name of Fran Wilson who was at one time a medic in Vietnam. Reluctantly I agreed to do it and when I was face to face with this student something in me told me that he meant to go all out to defeat me even hurt me if he had to. I knew too that it was too late to back out and so i faced him and before i knew what was happening my left leg flew out in a sweep slap kick like an arc and caught him on the side of his head and he dropped  in front of me like a sack of potatoes. Fran later thanked me for putting the man in his place, he was a show off in the group and not too many liked to spar with him.

 Another incident took place while I was working at H&H Ship Services in San Francisco where a power struggle was in making as to who would replace a supervisor who had just been killed in a work related accident on site. It never occurred to me that I was a contender but shit happens as they say. I was standing and chatting with an old timer, a black man by the name of Rocky who stood at the doorway to the boiler about two feet off the ground from where i was. Along came a young man and elbowed my shoulder for no apparent reason as he passed through between Rocky and I. Before I knew what was happening my right hand punched him in his stomach almost simultaneously and he stopped dead in his track facing me. My eyes were on his right hand and I clearly saw his hand tightening into a fist and my eyes followed his hand upwards till our eyes locked and I whispered close to his face."Do't even think!" At this he dashed off leaving me and Rocky stunned and not able to speak a word. Later I was called to the office and after a chat with the president 'Big Foot', I became the Yard Supervisor. Till this day I could still remember the incident as to how my mind/body took its own action while I watched like a spectator in a slow motion movie.

I had a face off with a man twice my size one afternoon at Green Gulch Farm Zen Center for reasons that i have forgotten. I knew i could not walk away without being pulverized, yet i faced him. Then an odd thing happened, he simply turned around walked away with a worried look on his face. I later asked him what had happened and he told me that he saw me growing larger in size and looked scary. Then it occurred to me that at that moment I had seen him actually shrunk in size and that I could have swiped him like a fly. How or why this happened i cannot explain except that I had been protected somehow by some unseen forces from within taking over my rational mind. Perhaps it may sound like I am making this up of even bragging, I rarely relate these events to others except now that I am reflecting over incident related to what I am writing about as a matter of sharing my experiences for what it is worth.

I am not sure of what the art of 'Subud' really is but I feel in me that even though I have not been faithful to my side of the bargain in keeping a clean and healthy spiritual life, I still have the force or energy within me that has been helping to keep me safe if and when the need to arises. My journey towards self discovery involves all these incidents in my past and they perhaps were mere coincidences, but I know what i had experienced and do not need to justify or convince anyone of them. I am not a brave man when it comes to facing my enemy but when push comes to shove I have the tendency to explode; which incidentally I fear more in itself. Hence i have more than often walked away from confrontations even if it seemed a cowardly thing to do.   

I was a martial Arts Student - 2 - The Ritual

I was introduced to the word 'Subud' when I was a martial art student of the Silat Seni Gayong, Malaysia in Terengganu. One can google subud and find out allot more to satisfy one's curiosity as I do not intedn to elaborate to much on the subject other than what I felt it meant to me when I was a teenager. Having had a very active imagination at an early age I took subud to be a spiritual practice that allows for one to become extraordinary if not super- normal by being introduced or initiated into this art. I had no idea where or when it came from except that it originated from Indonesia and that it was secretive for one reason or another and I never asked why as I trusted in my Guru/Instructor who as I mentioned earlier,was director of the Islamic religious department for the State and a very wise and knowledgeable man at that. The computer or Internet or google did not exist back then to fall back upon for verification. 

I was initiated or the Malay term used,'peturun' or 'menurun,' which in simple translation means to 'hand down' or award in English by my teacher Tengku Azmel (TA). The ritual took place in a large bedroom adjacent to the living room where one can hear the TV going on. There were about ten or more people in the room including Guru and his wife and they all sat in a circle I was set in the middle with TA holding my right hand. I was asked to recite a few short verses from the Quran including the AL Fatihah and the Surah Al Ikhlas and followed by the salutation to the Prophet and then told to sit in silence with an empty mind. Upon completion of my recitation TA holding my hand in his left hand started stroking my arm with his right while mumbling to himself which I could barely hear. While this was going on I noticed that all those sitting on the circle around me started to tap the tiled floor with the palm of their hands and it grew louder as they started to move closer towards TA and me in the center of the circle. Soon I was lost in a loud sound of palms drumming the floor all around me.

Then a strange thing happened as I heard there was no more voices from the TV but a log static sound as though the TV was having a channel emergency testing of sorts like one often hears when the program was interrupted for a news bulletin. The sound reminded me of an airplane landing as it came to an abrupt stop at the temple of my head with an almost perceptible sensation of the snapping of two fingers. Then there was total silence, no sound of loud thumping on the floor or the TV, just pure silence and all was pitched black and I reached my hands to the floor and there was no floor, it was as though I was floating in a vacuum. Then I felt the back of my neck stiffen as though my neck and shoulder muscles has contracted and the sensation started to travel throughout my whole body. Then my head started to left to right faster and faster and I cold not stop it even when i felt like it was going to snap off from the rest of my body.

Then my arms started to stretch like I had just woke up from a long sleep or doing a Yoga stretch beyond my control and then I heard YA voice giving the Asalamulaikum greeting and asking me, "Who is  this?" and I replied. " I am Hasbol." This is the first time since I have revealed this name to anyone else except my teachers then both of whom had passed away. Out of curiosity I had just googled this name thinking that there was no way google would have it, but here is one meaning I found.

 Hasbol Meaning and Personality Analysis

The name Hasbol meaning and personality analysis. Only few know their names true essence. Discover Your Names Hidden Meaning. Cheerful, bright you're a person of action and communication. That is why you need to exchange, discover and learn together with others.

Curious by nature there is an insatiable thirst for knowledge that often makes you push the limits and go to unknown horizons. Designing your daily life with a little fantasy you are particularly creative and intuitive.  
 Sociable extrovert who always makes friends with new people. An optimistic person who sees the good side of things and accepts life as it comes which allows you to take full advantage of it. Adaptable to all new situations you quickly get up to speed with people.
However pay attention towards not slipping into superficiality because of a need to please, to be watched and listened. Born under the number of exchange means that you hate conflict or tensions choosing to flee rather than confront them.

Hasbol meaning related to work

Work for you means relationships and contact or movement.

So there is a need to have contact with others, to do exciting and enriching encounters as to vary the pleasures or disciplines. Gifted with a good sense of communication, you are made to work in a team. Having strong diplomatic abilities you convincingly run your projects or ideas smoothly. Versatile you can exercise a number of trades and perform various tasks while adapting wonderfully.

Suitable occupations: communication skills (human resources, advertising, in charge of communication), the audiovisual (television, radio) trades, activities artistic (moderator, painter, dancer, creative, designer), the sale (all forms), tourism, trading activities, publishing, journalism, astrology, psychology, numerology.

What wellness means to Hasbol?

You are an active person who needs to live fully regardless of the monetary cost.

Thus you often give a hundred percentage. If you ask questions, they are rarely of existential order because you let yourself get carried away by life always taking one bite at the time. Your weak points are: your hands, lung, larynx, the nervous system, the stomach.

Hasbol meaning on a financial level

Your relationship with money is complex because you see it as a tool that helps you realize and achieve your dreams.

Mostly you will live according to your desires, but this alternates with periods of frugality.
#Subud, # Silat Gayung,# 

I was a Martial Art Student -1

I was a student of the martial arts in my teenage year growing up along the East Coast town of Kuala Terengganu, where I spent my secondary schooling years at the Sultan Sulaiman Secondary School. The school was and perhaps still is the number one school known for its high achievers who I know from my peers practically running the State in government or accomplished business men and many doctors and engineers. It was during these years that I was introduced to my martial arts instructor Encik (Mr.) Abu Johan Bin Johor, who was then the director of the Terengganu State Religious Department, (Ketua Jabatan Agama Terengganu). One of the highest government position one can hold like the Chief Magistrate, or the Chief of Police for the State which incidentally were his buddies who he hung up with after working hours which usually was in the evening lasting till late at night. How i know this is because I was always sitting among them and defeating them at their game of Scrabble. Because I had read allot while a teenager my English was good enough to defeat these gentlemen at the game and for this I was allowed to hang out with the 'Big Boys' who ran the State Government. I never paid much attention to what they were talking about that was not concerned with the game but I felt the presence of powerful minds around me not to be trifle with.

My martial arts instructor was a highly Western educated as well as a very well versed religious man; he was one of the most well balanced man in character and behavior that I have the privilege of meeting in my life. It was more than a blessing for me to be adopted into his large family, for he had a large family along with adopted children and afforded the opportunity to learn one of the most guarded Malay Martial Arts, known as Silat Seni Gayong, that is today among the number one contender among the Malay martial arts in Malaysia.One never claim to be 'The' number One in martial arts schools, my instructor once told me, he said to let others claim it on your behalf.

Our 'Gelangang' or training ground was in the courtyard of his home, which was a government quarters for the division one government officials for the State and it was located along the beach off the South China Sea at what is famously known as Batu Buruk, or 'The old Stone' area of Kuala Terengganu. A stretch of beaches that runs as far as the eyes can see either way lined by coconut trees and in some parts the Casuarina trees, a specie of the pine tree mostly found along the beaches on the East Coast. POur training began in the evening as soon as, Pa'Abu' was ready after his evening or Asar Prayer. The gelangang or ring was a large freen canvass tarp laid on top of sawdust covered ground which helps to cushion our falls. I was not good at Scrabble alone but excelled in my martial arts training and was someone to be weary of as an opponent in the ring; to me it was an art and not just for fighting alone. It was more like a dance with a partner that you do the leading, it was not a matter of brute strength but of reading the opponent's moves and finding his or her weakness. 

Silat Seni Gayong as common with most Malay martial arts was and perhaps still is imbued with the spiritual nature or the supernatural. The students or practitioners of the Malay martial arts has spiritual companions or what i call sparring partners in the spiritual realm. These partners were awarded to the students by the Guru or Instructor via someone who has the ability and know how about these matters. My Guru and his wife had their spiritual companions or guides as sometimes we call them and his wife's spiritual ability it was said was to be able to see into the spiritual realm, or see spirits if and when they decide to appear. She was often used to distinguish whether the spirit invited to be become a companion to some who was being initiated to affirm if the spirit was positive or negative in nature or it was compatible to the student.

Initially I was not allowed or not accepted to be initiated by my instructor as mus as I wanted to as a matter of fact he never did, except through another teacher who was more of a maverick and had his won ways. His name was Tengku Azmel Muzzafar Shah and was said to be a nephew to the First Prime Minister of Malaysia, Tunku Abdul Rahman; he never liked to discuss about it when asked. Tengku was much younger then Pa'Abu and had a mean demeanor about him especially when he was angry. It was related by a very reliable source that the Tenku, (a Royal title), once drop a man to the floor by staring at him, and yes he did have eyes that reminded me of a king cobra's. 

He rented a home next door to where i lived back then and so i always hung out at his house whenever he was around and often accompanied him and another who was then the District Officer for one of the Districts in the State and who later became adviser to the Sultan of Terengganu on State Affairs. on their hunting and fishing trips during the weekends. the late Dato' Ariffin Zakaria was a well respected man among his peers and the local folks alike for his sense of humility and empathy despite his high position in the government. His favorite tease for me was to stretch out his arm and held it in a tight fist and demanded that I twisted if I could, I never could, much as tried with both my hands. He was my mentor along with my two other instructors. Through watching how he carried himself I learned what it was like to be in the position of power and yet not be consumed by it. 
to be contd.
# Silat Gayong, # Batu Buruk, #spiritual companion, #Sultan Sulaiman Sec. Sch.


   

Moving closer to the Gate.

The days when i started my Blog I never heard of the names like Gregg Braden, Dr. Joe Spenza or Bruce Lipton, the so called modern day Gurus of the Human Consciousness science field. You Tube was not loaded yet with the inner workings of the human brain and how the mind can manipulate these workings to better serve man. Perhaps these scientific discoveries were carried out indoors away from the public scrutiny, however with the advent of the Internet these discoveries are slowly becoming common knowledge as more and more people are becoming aware that their minds are more than what it seems, as scientifically proven and no more guesses and theories. These knowledge used to belong to those who read and made it their educational pursuit towards the related subjects; the modern day seekers of truth. 

My curiosity was awakened in the late sixties and early seventies when I stumbled upon the magazine called "Man, Myth and Magic,: which was monthly subscribed by the Penang State Library where I used to spend allot of time when a teenager. It was then that I discovered the likes of C.G.Jung, Alistair Crawley, Madame Blavatsky and a host of other names and their works related to the human mind. I was exposed to the occult realm and the mysteries of the ancient schools like the Rosicrucian and the Masons, the Cabal and the Hindu Yogic tradition. Since then there was no stopping for my thirst for the inner workings of human mind, which I used to call 'Humind' out of the laziness in writing two words instead of one. I was not aware as to where my curiosity was leading me then; it was just a matter of being intrigued by the subject which today is called 'Consciousness'.

Then after a lapse of ten years or so I found myself in college and got a work study job as a librarian at the University of Wisconsin at Green Bay. It was during these college years that my curiosity was reawakened as I stumbled upon the works of G.I. Gurdjief. P.D. Ouspensky, J. Krishnamurti, Alan Watts, Ram Dass and a host of others, transporting my mind to a greater heights of understanding about the nature of the human mind and spirit. Still i was just reading merely out of curiosity, but at the same time I was becoming addicted to these works which later included the works by Frijorf Capra, Deepak Chopra and the Zen school writers like Philip Kapleau's whose works, the Three Pillars of Zen, got my mind working towards understanding more of the Zen tradition. Having been born and raised as a Buddhist for twelve years of my childhood and at the same time as a Muslim as I was raised in a predominantly Muslim home where only my uncle who adopted me and myself were Buddhist, religion has always been a stigma in my life.

No one had ever sat down and explained my predicament growing up within two religions and i was either brushed aside or ridiculed and frowned upon most of the time by those who discovered my secret. I have written this episode time and again in detail over the years in the effort trying to make sense out of all the nonsense I had been through, but I still am carrying it on my back like a cross as it has yet to unravel its conundrum. Hence I was led to the question I asked of myself; Who am I? As I have reminded myself every so often, I have caught glimpses of the reality of my nature through much of my readings and meetings with great minds, however, I have yet to feel the ultimate answer to the question, I have yet to taste the truth. I am still groping in the dark, with the occasional lightning flashes of the truth that has spurred me to further venture into the unknown of what lies ahead for me.
What the modern scientific/spiritual teachers of today are expounding I had discovered for myself inadvertently while growing up i my young adulthood out of sheer curiosity and the thirst for an answer. Thanks to the Internet and especially You Tube, my quest has been made much easier and a whole lot of vistas has opened up for me to behold and understand the mysteries of my original nature. I am blessed to have joined the Zen Buddhist school where I was healed form most of my ancient twisted karmic burden, Far from being fully liberated or enlightened I am at least pretty much more at peace today than I have ever been. Anger and despair, guilt and low self esteem are not as heavy as they used to be; I am beginning to understand what is Unconditional Love in the true sense of the words.  

"I am the Master of my own Destiny." has always been one of my auto suggestions whenever i recite my personal mantra, which includes, "I am the Master of my thoughts and consciousness, I am the Master of my Body, Speech and Mind and I am the Master of my Space and Environment." This has been my mantra for as long as I can remember and i recite it almost daily to myself during my sitting meditation, morning upon waking up and night before i go to bed. What good it has done, WallahuAllam. only God knows. One thing for sure, I realize today that it has delivered me from the brink of insanity and suicide to being who I am today. Practice makes perfect as it is said, perhaps there is some truth in it and I hope that before I die the answers to my questions would be revealed to me and that I can share my conclusion to this experimental life in this Blog.  
#Alan Watts, #J.Krishnamurti, #Buddhism, #Mantra,#Consciousness, # Gregg Braden,# Bruce Lipton,# Joe Dispenza.#Unconditional Love  

Notes to myself..- 4

A Christmas Eve not easy to forget.

Yea, as I walk through this highway of life, let no negative thoughts feelings and perceptions stand in my way.
Let not all those whose negative thoughts, vibes and intentions burden me with guilt and fear.
Let no thoughts of mine be laced with negative intentions towards others and myself.
Let me be free from all the suffering of humanity and yet empathize
 towards those who suffer in my own way.
I call upon You my Lord to allow me to be who I am and my redemption be true and just.
I humble myself before Your Will in all that I do and find the Grace to carry out my life to the end with Your Blessings.
 Your servant.
Amen. 

What I woke up with this morning as I sat in meditation on my bed. I have lived life to the best or worse of my ability and have been through heaven and hell in every moment often with complete realization. I am still carrying many old twisted karma and perhaps still creating new ones but, "all in all" as song goes, "the rain will fall, like tears from the sky. All in all the rain will say, how fragile we are...how fragile we are," (Sting). It was the Christmas eve of 1990 and I had just finished a job of cleaning the inside of a vacuum truck containing slurry of cement mixed with sand that had been sucked into the vacuum tank by mistake. This would have ended with the loss of few thousand dollars worth of equipment had the content not been emptied before the cement sets to dry. With a handful of my fellow employees we worked all evening emptying the vacuum truck with the help of a Vector truck, picks and shovels. We completed the tiresome task before sunset at H&H Ship Services, on the water front of San Francisco.

My late wife was pregnant and had left for Illinois to celebrate Christmas with her parents and thus I was left alone to usher in the Christmas eve, I walked all the way to Market Street from where I worked and along the way spotted a small grocery store still opened and bought me a whole piece of chicken and a bottle of wine among other things to make my Christmas dinner. As I stood with these groceries in my hands on the curb of Market Street at Folsom waiting for the Haight Street bus I watched people milling all over the area headed for their homes or simply doing their last minute shopping. I was very tired but I felt fine having saved a vacuum truck from being rendered useless; I was the Yard Boss after all and it was my duty. I felt.

Then I noticed a homeless elderly man in his late fifties or early sixties sitting on slab with is body half on the slab while the other was hanging and kicking like he was having a heat attack. It happened before, this being in the 'Twilight Zone' feeling, as time seemed to have slowed down and all sound evaporated around me an my eyes were glued to this man struggling by himself clutching his huge chest. I walked over to him like in a dream and sat down my groceries and attended to him as I watched his large hand clutched in a ball while another grabbing at his chest. Not knowing what else to do I started massaging his chest and moved close to his face whispering to him to relax and breath. I noticed his saliva was dripping mixed with blood and he was in tremendous pain if not frightened. I kept massaging his chest while talking to him and I heard someone standing beside shouting Jesus this and Jesus that while another shouted, shut the fuck up and let the man do his thing. As I finally broke my physical contact with the man I felt his heart beat at the tip of my fingers.

After a while i noticed the man unclenched his fist and his body began to drop on to the slab like he was getting better and as i was still doing this I noticed a pair of boots beside me and the owner was a cop who said please stay with him till ambulance got there. When the man was himself I got up and walked away not looking back and as I walked away to the bus stand i noticed the sound and buzz of life started to come back in my senses. I got on the bus and headed home. While walking to my apartment at 91 Haight Street, I noticed a young man laying all curled up in a corner of a porch trying to fall asleep in the cold. I approached him and handed him my bottle of wine, "Here this should help to keep you warm." I told him and left him with some change I had in my pocket. It all happened like i was sleep walking the whole time until I sat in my room. it hit me how alone I felt on that Christmas Eve, but I had a bed and a whole piece of chicken to  celebrate with that evening. But for the Grace of God it could have been me lying on that slab off Market Street or lying there in the cold on a porch with nothing to look forward to and no one to share with.
Such Is! Such Is. Heaven and Hell is right where you are if your mind is fully conscious and receptive, you do not have to wait for the afterlife.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I am not sorry to be who I am.

Like it really matters what others like to read about what you write! Damn sometimes I get lost in my perception of why I write this Blog that it becomes the block or so called mental block. This is how my mind functions often times like it would go on and on on why at certain times on certain topics I would get so much hits and then at other times on a totally different topic and I would loose all my readers, like it really matters. It used to be and perhaps still is that when I paint or do any kind of art i would practically have my twin brother and his wife perched over my shoulders passing comments and often not too friendly ones. Like it mattered what they think and it happened over the years ever since I can remember; its an illness is all I can say. The need to please others, to prove that I am good at what I do and especially to those who are closely related to me but out to cut me to pieces every chance they get for one reason or another. Even as i am writing or have been over the years when I started this Blog. I am still being shadowed by my eldest brother who was at one time my English teacher at my secondary school. Back when nothing I wrote ever pleased him and every chance he got he would chastise my work, perhaps it was for the good, but it still don;t feel positive.

So here I am at the wee morning hours in my seventieth year of my life still feeling like I have to be pleasing a few key characters in my life  who in the past and still perhaps takes me for lesser a person than who I am; this is sick! I have endured and still am carrying this crap on my shoulders like a rotting albatross never been able to shake it loose and I am sure the feeling is mutual as to date we unresolved issues between us that has kept us apart as brothers. As always I would go on writing about this trying to justify myself as to why I deserve their frown and end up telling that I love them none the less as I have done on many occasions making this Blog entries in the past. The truth is, it does not work, I still cannot shake off this feeling being belittled or look down upon and it seems like I am having to carry it to my grave.

Enough is enough. I am through carrying this guilt feelings and I hope that for whatever it is worth by exposing these feelings out in the open it would help me to unburden my mind from  being haunted by those who has passed harsh judgments and criticism of my character in the past, present and perhaps into the future. I have earned my rights of passage not to feel like a victim of my own siblings and those who have the same ire towards me and my ways. I never claimed to be a perfect man by a long shot and yes perhaps deserves most of what i have been accused of, sorry I am, but sorry is never good enough, it is like I need to keep falling flat on my face before I can earn their  forgiveness if not respect. Knowing the fingers that have been pointing at me are far from perfect themselves, all i can say now is fuck it! What is done is done and i cannot change the past but I can unload the crap I have in my mind today and walk on for what it is worth so I do not have to keep apologizing to myself for whatever wrong i have committed. 

I have been posting this Blog over ten years now partly also as a catharsis with the hope that i can clean up my negative past experiences involving others. I have in so many words been apologizing to one and all those I have wronged, but this morning I am through feeling sorry and for whatever good it may do to my mind and spirit, I am  moving on. This is as my Lord is my witness, the end game, no more carrying of dead carcasses on my back. I purify myself from this feeling of being a terminal sinner, I free myself from my mental crucifixion. If I have to pay for my sins I accept it as my karmic consequences and will be reborn as whatever I am deserving of, or spend my time in hell; I am done apologizing to humans. This delusion has been my cancer virus that I eradicate with pure consciousness of knowing who I am or die from it willingly without remorse.

I am Whole,
Complete and Perfect,
Strong and Powerful,
Loving and Compassionate,
Harmonious and Happy.
I am the Soul, I am the Spirit.
and I can do what I Will to do, so help me, God.

Notes to Myself -3

A

Notes to Myself -2

#Half Moon Bay,# Haight Ashbury. #San Francisco

-Notes to myself.- 1

A

#Muir Beach, Marin Country,