When your past catches up with you.

 I woke up from one of the most vivid and heart rendering dream of my life as it affected my first love, my childhood love and perhaps is still till this day. I had many dreams of  our relationship and i always felt sadness and a sense of loss when the dream is over. This morning I dreamt of being caught hiding in her room by the entire family or so it seemed, more like Romeo and Juliet kind of situation we had between us back then. I was not good enough for her and one of the reasons give to my face was that i was not of pure Malay blood. Ironic it was that she too was not as she was an adopted child, and the family that adopted her had her by force from her real parents who were back then was influential and wealthy. Being one of the most beautiful young lady I had the impression that she would be married off to a wealthy person. Fate would have it that she remained unmarried till today.

Skipping all the details, when we finally broke off i told her that i would marry the first lady that agrees to be my wife and I did at the age of twenty five. We pretty much lost contact since then except for my occasional visit to her house on festive days or there be a death in their family out of respect and friendship. perhaps it is pride that keeps us apart or perhaps there are unseen hands at work to keep us seperated. This is why the dream i had this morning was so vivid and strange as it involved the entire family that i knew of from the youngest ot the oldest. We were caught together in her room by a child named Lilly, one of her nieces, who is today married to a Swiss gentleman. I used to carry her around when she was a child some fifty years ago. In the dream she was screaming that i was in the room, I was hiding practically under the bed. I could hold her small hand in mine trying to quiet her and even pinched her fingers to shut her up but she persisted which brought everyone into the room looking for me. Needless to say I was scared shitless as I saw legs of young adults massing around the bed. My girlfriend even tried to cover me up with the sheet hanging down from the bed but to no avail.

I gave up, in today's parlance I would have said .fuck this, and got up and dashed down a wide and tall stairway by sliding down the handrails as fast as I could. Than as I was trying to escape I was swiped off my feet by the patriarch of the family, her adopted mother. She was already old at the time and in the dream she was the same old lady everyone feared for many reasons. She grabbed a hold of me and wrapped her hands around my head with my face buried in her bosom and I was lying on top of her not able to move. Then I felt her blowing hot air on to the top of my head as she was reciting something to herself, uttering at times my child, my child, in Malay offcourse. One of the older sisters came to my feet and started stroking them saying comfort words that made me felt safe rather than scared. Voices standing by could be heard saying like theirs is an unconditional love and so forth and i felt sadness wrapped my being. I felt forgiven and I woke up with a pain in my heart and tears in my eyes to the morning or subuh prayer from the loud speaker of the State Mosque near my home.

I skipped allot of details to my dream as it is not worth sharing unless one knows the characters involved, but the gist of it is that my relationship to my childhood Love still haunts me big time anf my subconscious mind is telling me to resolve it as it is the key perhaps to my happiness after all these years. I often am caught in a melancholic episode and knows not why, sometimes i feel like this is the reason as my heart was once shattered and never got repaired. I prayed to the All Mighty after sitting up from my dream asking for forgiveness in this episode of my past and i also asked for guidence and help to make things right before i die. If possible i would like to be joined in matrimony with my childhood love so that we can become whole again even if we are now turning seventy. or is it just another dream within dreams?

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