Discussions with my Mind - 3

As the Mahatma Gandhi is said to have said,"My life is an experiment," and so is mine ever since I read this quote it stuck to me, I am experimenting with my life and my blog is part of the ongoing record i keep over the years like an autobiography just for posterity. It is also a process of self healing through introspections and meditations,  mindfulness observations and simple bare attention. It all started off with this naive need to understand who I am when i was in my thirties and discovering a whole lot of writers and teachers who helped to guide me along the way; i created who I am through my travels and my experiences, my relationships and through my passion for the truth and my thirst for knowledge and wisdom. Naive as it may sound, these factors were embedded in my mind from a very early age. I was born and raised in a community where it was and still is a multi-racial, multi-religious environment. I was very sensitive in my perceptions and has always been an artist since i was child. My mind as a child was filled with images and thoughts and beliefs that were born from ignorance and delusions so much so that sometimes i feel how come it has not exploded yet.

For it being so resilient and still sharp as it seems, I am honored to have had it as my close companion, my shadow. We may keep on stepping on each other's toes but i believe we will get there, where ever there is. "Ihdinas siratal mustaqim," or through the straight and narrow path towards the Throne of the Lord, or to achieving complete enlightenment or simply to just awaken from this sleepy  zombie state of existence. What a waste it would be to finally come to an end and not know why and for what in the first place. To die in ignorance is not an option in my experiment, I hope to find the conclusion as to what I was alive in the first place. It is not a demand with arrogance but a wish to accomplish something I have set out to do. Before i finally close my eyes I would like to be able to write my conclusive chapter, my final entry.  

It is the most difficult thing in life to wash away all the sins and transgressions one has committed in the past, they will ride your back till you break. And this I have to accept as i know i carry a heavy burden on my back. I sometimes feel like a human garbage truck on the way to the dumpsite called Nirvana. I create my life story as i go along. I am like the sculpture of a man hammering and chiseling his way free from the block of granite at his thighs. It impressed me till today of such a powerful image of achieving liberation. I am the artist who paints what God wants him to paint,  

I created an image whereby God and me had a Man to man talk before He decided to send me down to join the rest of humanity. He said to me, "Here is your canvas, go and paint me your life. Make it as exciting as you want or as boring, we will talk about it when we meet again." I was born to be an artist and have proven myself so in more than one ways. But what is it, really, Being and artist? Answering for myself, being an artist means to have the courage to dive deep into your heart and uncover that which is what it takes to become creative. I use my talent as a tool for my self discovery purposes, I observe myself through my creative or sometimes destructive processes; art is a meditation to me, just as this writing is. The main purpose in producing artworks is to communicate, to share, to come to an understanding of one another. As an artist I feel the need to follow through with my chosen path and while in the process share my experiences with others for what it is worth. This basically is how I feel about being and artist, than again, today we have all kinds of artist, most talented in what they do, sometimes you get your mind blown away just looking at the great works done from all over the world and you think to yourself, glad i stuck to my style.

I like to look at myself as an artist of life,or i live the artist's life and it is an ongoing project that i am working on; myself. I have enjoyed my life pretty much the good and the not so, well what can I say it is all part and parcel of an education of the lessons in life, like, don't talk about what you never experience for yourself, it will always sound fake. Telling the truth and not the whole truth about one self is another form of shirking from the commitment towards being up and open in this experiment. Telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth should will always be the way, even if it causes pain and discomfort; truth is painful. I stopped seeking for answers now as I found that they are and will always be within me, I am the answer to all that is and that will ever be; I am the Whole, I am complete and perfect, strong and powerful, loving and compassionate, harmonious and happy! and I can do what i Will to do. InshAllah! So i stopped looking. I stopped looking just not too long ago, just a week or two I think, that's when i started talking to my mind, having this one on one discussions about the what and the whys of us being what we are and what can be done is much 
about it.

Start noticing how many negative thoughts passe through your consciousness at any give time and you will start to notice the fact that your mind ad you better get to know one another more closely. it sounds weird but look further into it and you will find it makes for life to be simpler to understand and more productively so. To create a monumental piece of work, one has to practically sell your soul to the devil; I don't have the desire nor the guts to make it so and for what? However my passion as a an artist will always be a ball of flame in my tummy, I burn inside in order to generate more intense energy to my forge in order that i may melt my ego into submission, only to learn that it is a futile and oxymoron kind of approach. I lack egotistical tendency that an artist carrie as his personal credit, the ego when applied in good taste will promote  better confidence, if and when needed.  

To be Contd.   

      



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