Back from the Jungle into the Forest.

I am back, sitting in my son, Karim's room after clearing out all the garbage he had accumulated the past two weeks or so since i left and not to worry I did take pictures of the evidence of my son's sloppiness and his lack of consideration for himself as well as for those who has to pick after him. Sometimes i wonder if this was done out of spite or some kind of vendetta for having to live in such an environment. I fail to see the message other than the fact that it is either sheer laziness or taking for granted that someone like me will come and clean it up for him, which i did simply because I have to use the computer which is in his room. The room stinks of rotten food and not to mention unwashed and unmade bed, my son in short is a natural born slob! Funny how he takes very tedious care of how he looks and how he even smells every time he leaves the house!
The traffic outside is short of chaos even for a weekend and it is raining here too which makes it extra ugly. My nephews are doing the dishes returned from the catering job and they are as they are loud and boisterous over nothing punctuated by the clanking of pots and pans and the occasional splattering of  forks and spoons as they were thrown into some buckets. I am back! My two kids have left for work and my daughter left a message on face Book that she needs to talk about moving out of this place, yes, I look forward to it like a sore tooth. I suppose it is time for her to make her own decisions and how I wish Karim has the same spirit! Yes Sir, go find your own dump to live in Karim! OH how time flies when you are raising your kids, but not quite fast enough! I realize that I had just left one jungle and entered into another and am wondering which is more deadly! Or which is more depressing.

My retreat this time was a little more productive in a sense that i had been able to truly catch glimpses of what being in a state of complete mindfulness or consciousness where thoughts had finally dissipated into  the silence of the forest around me where even the nights sounds of bugs and frogs seems to have been silenced into an eerie feeling of emptiness and then out of nowhere I felt the closeness to my Lord and the need to say how much i appreciate just being there in His presence.I  effortlessly cried from my heart not being able to hold back the sadness that followed as i saw my children and my past fleetingly before me. I felt alone like i had never felt before and i felt lonely missing all those that had gone on before me, my parents and my late wife. Sitting there in the semi darkness of the hut and doing my Zikr i felt the presence of that which was indescribably beautiful, the feeling of 'Lightness of Being."
I felt like i could have stayed there for the rest of my time here on this planet but i knew too that it too will pass and i had no choice but to go with the flow of  time and circumstances and my still hanging sense of responsibility towards the well being of my children as they are still at the stage of not totally free to handle life on their own. I may not be much of a help when it comes to money matters but I can be present in times of psycho-emotional needs. Even as I am writing all this I am hoping that they will find the time to take a sneak at what is being shared here and hopefully it will be of help in some small ways and lead them towards a greater life than what i had. My experiences at the 'Farm' are small episodes of my personal attempts to further discover the depth my consciousness which then allows for my being able to share it in my blogging as well as in my creative art. I have always that for original works of art to manifest it is imperative that one dive deep inot the sub-conscious mind and mine the mother lode of creative energy that is lying dormant there. This diving takes many forms albeit naturally or by artificial means such as drugs and alcohol. It is my intention that i mine my store of creative energy through my faith and worship of my Lord and by His blessings and grace that i can freely allow for the creative energy to flow out of me without any restriction through doubts or hesitation for he is by my side in my entire journey and I can go no wrong or feel any fear knowing the He is never far from where i am at any given moment.
Although i know of this in the past, i never felt it as i did  while i was sitting there alone in the hut at the foothills of Lintang organic farm with my Indonesian friend Shawal sleeping in the next hut close by.

Forgotten were the aches and pains of my body like they were never there  but i had been awoken at three in the morning by the very pains that i had almost screamed from. I sat with each and every single pain in my arms, my shoulders my chest and slowly but surely they melted into emptiness and i felt at the end of it all the sense of well being and light. Yes, they say that the pain we suffer from are the teachers that helps us to become aware of who we are and what we are capable of if and when we have understood it for what it is; that we are beings of Light created in the Image of our Maker and endowed with all the attributes He has if only we can see it and taste that which is rightfully ours to begin with. These glimpses are more than a boon for me and my journey here for the past two weeks is well worth every step of the way.
All I can say to those who aspire to seek that which is inherent within each and every one of us, that which is the Divine, that which is the essence of who we truly are, call it by what name you wish but it isa surely there and you just have to look, knock and ask and it will be at your bidding at he end of your journey when you have earned the rights of passage to be who you truly are, That which Is; even if it last with the span of a lightning flash, it is there. What a waste it would be to have gone through life and not touch this awesome moment that many seek but few discover. The Prophets, the saints the great Rishis, the Masters of old and New, they all had touched and been touched by this Grace and you too are eligible to have this experience if you so desie and as the Gautama the Buddha is said to have said, "In this human existence , waste not your time.", for enlightenment is possible here and now through this form.

What is Ubi Gadong?= even Malaysians have not heard of it.

 The soaked chopped up Ubi Gadong is strained and poured into a sprayer container. Although not seriously poisonous it is advisable to handle this material with caution.

The liquid is then sprayed all over the plants.

It is said that during the hunger years of  the Japanese invasion of this country this root was being processed and consumed by the locals in order to subsidize the lack of regular staples like rice and so on.. However the method of preparing the root takes a whole lot of work as it can be detrimental to the health.
 Dioscorea daemona (atau D. hispada Dennst.^[1], D. hirsuta Dennst., Dioscorea triphylla Auct. )

The root is being chopped up and soaked in order to extract the juice or sap from the root that will be used to spray on to the padi. This entry is just for own personal information so that i can share it with those who ask of this subject in the future,. like what do you use as insecticide for the plants? This is only one of the method as there are other means too like growing flower plants along the edges to attract insects.

Ubi Gadong is a creeper plant with thorns on the stems and leaves.. 

This is what a processed Ubi gadong would look like when prepared as food for consumption.

Soak the chopped up pieces  for about two to three hours before use.

We All Have to Eat!

We all have to eat!

Bending over in the mud planting seedlings. Doing my part to feed the world!

It is pass a week now and I am still here living the life of a madman out in the boonies as they say in America with mosquitoes and leeches for company. But I am also beginning to find myself finally settling down from the rush of the City life as my thoughts are struggling to remain in my consciousness as i attend to them one after another with my 'Bare Attention " practice and my Zikr while meditation. My body too is going through some major changes from what use to be a localized pain in the left shoulder and arms has now spread all over my body like the whole bone structure is being burned from within. However this too has given me a goo lesson as I am able

Almost daily lunch and dinner. Tilapia ready to be fried. This is the one available source of food for me other than MAGGI Mee!

Hot Rice is always good to have when you have little else.

 now to completely erase these aches and pains simply by my concentrated breathing techniques. Yes, I believe it is working and last night or this early morning like three in the morning I found that out. The mind through right breathing can cause the body to be at ease and experience no discomfort much less pain, but it is not a permanent thing, at least not yet. I know that it is possible to create a thorough healing process through mind control. It is somehow not quite right I fell to call it as such, for mind control implies using the mind to control the body or the pain, it is more than that, it is a matter of allowing for things to happen on its own perhaps more by acceptance. I usually am woken up in the middle of the night or sometimes at three in the morning and and my whole body would just be in terrible aches and sharp shooting pains so much so i could hardly ,move. Then I would sit and wrap myself up in my blanket and breath slowly paying attention to the rise and fall of my stomach untill I almost nod off to sleep again, but i kept myself awake and recite a few verse from the Koran and continue doing my Zikr, Usually i just say out the Names of Allah just to keep my mind from drifting off into sleep land. After awhile the struggle would end and I find myself in a ore peaceful state of mind and I can almost feel my aches and pains drifting off from my body,

Took a walk at the crack of dawn.

The farm is still struggling to stay afloat especially now that their main supporter has pulled out their support. MARDI, OR The Malaysian Argriculture and Research Institute, has decided that the Korprasi Belantik which owns the SRI LOVELY farm does not qualify to receive any for of aids from them for some technical reasons. Most of it has to do with MARDI claiming the whole project as being under their jusrisdiction and they were the prime mover of the project, in short it was all their ideas. It makes me sick to the stomach when I learn that even the refrigerator that MARDI had donated to the farm was taken back along with all kinds of tools and equipment. It makes me feel like htese guys are like children who gets real mad when you do not play by their rules and when comes to shove they take away all the toys they had share before when all were according to their prospect and who is MARDI? The Government! It is OUR WAY or NO Way!

Today this organic project is well known in many countries including Japan, Korea, India, Cambodia, the Philipines and Germany and many others where a movement of back to organic farming is becoming more of a choice instead of the use of Chemical Fertilizers and insecticides that kills all except the main crop. Most of the cultivated rice land in Malaysia are using the modern day method whereby the soil is fed with chemicals that not only is bad for the soil itself but also destroys the rest of the ecosystem around it. More birds and insects have become practically extinct in the last 20 years than the last twenty thousand years! This has to stop somewhere and this ia why I am here too, it is my way of saving the environment, my last effort having to do with voluntary involvement in the environmental battle for survival of the Planet.

And when it is said to them, "Do not cause corruption on the earth," they say, "We are but reformers."

Surat Al-Baqarah (The Cow)

Who am I kidding?

One of my main purpose of  making my retreat this time is to try to purify myself mentally and physically if not spiritually, but it is almost a week now and all i am dealing with are rumblings from age old thought processes that seems to haunt my mind and keep me from doing any proper meditations or even perform my 'Solat' or prayer! Ancient twisted karmas as the Buddhist would call them, those karmic consequences that are so deep rooted in my past that I cannot even begin to relate some of them of how bad they were, but, they are there and will keep me occupied for as long as i am alive and to reconcile with as much as i can is the reason to be sitting here and doing my meditation and Zikr, and trying to perform my solat as best i can and keeping my thoughts from running wild with regrets and self mortification,
I have been living of Maggy Mee, noodles and rice with soy souce as I have run out of money and my friend Shawal has also been chipping in for us to survive. In the mornings i have my Quaker Oats and sometimes would also have a boiled egg to go with but most of the day it has been keeping it on a low budget subsistence. It has been a good lesson for me to be where I am at and the situation I am in. I tried to share my feelings with my Indonesian young friend who is worried himself about how to earn enough ot return and get married in Aceh. I was hoping that my sob stories would help him to forget a little of his own problems. We talked of how the locals are facing a very tough time in their daily life with the drop in the rubber prices to such an all time low. You can almost feel it in the air when you visit the shops or talk to people. I can feel it among the guys who work at the farm as they go about their daily task, they seem less joyful and almost depressed. What is the government doing about this situation? Not a whole lot according to most of those who I talk to and it5 seems things are not going to get any better as the rain keeps pouring day in day out.
I am still experiencing some cold and has taken just about every action to challenge the situation like taking cold bath and a swim in the cold river when I do not feel well and sometimes it helps but often times it raises hell all over my parts like I am having a major over haul of some kind. This is when I put my meditation into action by focusing my mind on finding the points of origin and working out each aching part till they dissipate. I am perhaps playing with fire as i am sure it has passed the time when I should visit a doctor as i am sure i am suffering from one kind of major illness or another, but I just have to ride it out as I intend to put my practice to test, like see if it really works, the i can heal myself with my mind. After all those years of putting my faith and belief in such practices as the Raja Yoga and The Power of Suggestion and so forth what good would it do to just run off into the Doctor's office to find out that I have cancer of the whatever, or that I have high blood pressure with Diabetes and kidney malfunction etc..  most of which I am sure I most probably do have after all the abuses i have put my body through to get where i am. However if I am to die of anything it might as well be through my own making and on my own terms, if I can help it. I have given up smoking and drinking and against my own free will women! So by right I should be somewhere on the healthy side of life and all these minor aches and pains I will just have to take them as they come and call if part of getting old. For so long as i can still walk up the hills on a cold misty morning and work up a sweat, I think I am still doing okay. What is of more critical issue at hand is to deal with this rascal of a mind that I have throughout my life helped to propagate and now has taken a life of its own or so it seems. This is primarily why I am here as it would almost be impossible to be in this state of consciousness if I were living back in  Penang where there is just too much sidetracks and distractions, too many easy way out and no answers forthcoming. So on we gooooo.

To Each His Own...

It is pouring cats and dogs outside here in Belantik, and i am still feeling the feverish cold with runny nose, sore throat, and the achy feeling all over,r but got here to the cyber cafe to get some real work done, hee hee. Very early this morning woke up at the crack of dawn and decided to give my physical m manifestation a challenge like, so you feel like having a bead cold eh? Well, let's have a chill,y cold bath from the river and really give us s cause to brag about where colds are concerned! After that, i felt great for a bit and decided in the early misty morning to take a long walk up into the hills further than I had been before, and it was invigorating to say the least. The air was chilly and filled with sound of the gibbons or mawas screaming from way high above the forest trees n the distant and birds off all kinds far and near; no traffic, no horns honking, no ambulance siren, no pots and pans being thrown bout below my window like where i was in Penang. My mind does not give up though, still hankering over minor details as to how my kids are faring out by themselves, and what is my eldest boy doing with his married life and the one in the Swiss Alps, what was he up to at the moment.
I decide to count my breath while i walked very slowly taking my time step by step, and if this failed to bring my mind into the present moment, i resorted to the Zikr. or hymns from the Koran, counting my beads.

I wish i could load some pictures as i write, as I am sure it makes it more real than just trying to visualize from writing alone, as the Malaysian forest is awesome sometimes, especially early in the morning when it is waking up. I could almost feel my mind giving way to the quiet and peaceful morning as i felt my stepping back from the thinking mode and becoming an observer of all that was passing through my mind, most of which were egotistical in nature and origin. What if, what could have, what should have, what will why, why not, which as always ends up to the who am I? I also realized that the feverish feeling was more of a help as it makes me more aware of my physical state of being and how it influenced my emotions over the past few months. I was feeling lethargic and eating like a hog, whatever that came my way which was not hard to do in Penang, the Food capital of the World, while living right at a restaurant did not help either as there were tons of leftovers at the end of the day to choose from. I know i should not complain and no i am not, but i also know when I am going down hill with a beer belly while not drinking any beer and spending my days hugging the computer or struggling to do a painting just to fill up my time. No, sir, it was time to change, and with or without money, I was determined to make this retreat into the forest refuge and commune with nature and the unseen.

Back at the Organic Farm in Lintang.

Today is my second day at the Lintang Organic Farm, or better known as SRI LOVELY where i have decided to be my retreat or as some who are ever so ready to cut me down would call it my escape. Om my arrival the first day i met a lovlet young lady who was a visiting student from Keningau, Sabah. in East Malaysia.She was here to study the organic padi growing techniques among other things. I fell in love! Everything about her made me feel like i was twenty years younger! How God created the most out of this world people and what a temptation they are on the old man! I say all these with a sense of humor off course, however she was a delightful person to talk to, a pleasant change.

Ratty from Kinigau, Sabah she will be a great organic farmer one day and the pride of her people.

This morning another pleasant surprise when my buddy Shawal the Indonesian from Aceh turned up with the silly grin on his face, but this this soon turned into a morose when he started relating hi ordeals having to deal with Immigration as hew tried getting back into the country. After listening to his stories i set him to work making rows for the vegetable patch. Slowly but surely he got right back into the groove and became less dejected. I used myself as an example of how I needed to work in order to heal my own restless mind and body. I am not doing too well myself and the only way to deal with this kind of situation is to take it head on and so here I am back in the jungle where the only sound I hear at night is the insects and occasional howling of this or that creature somewhere out there and the constant rush of the river which is a little louder now because it has been raining up in the hills.

Moses

The torture begins with all kinds of aches and pains manifesting from sleeping in the cold and leaky hut and from the resurfacing of immediate episodes of dramas between my children and I. I left the mouse in Penang late in the evening after a minor confrontation with my daughter over who cooks better beef.  l left also that is what i had in mind to do as soon as she was settled because i needed to remove myself from the place and allow for her and my son to settle down between themselves and work things out with dad not around to do the laundry and dishes and send and pick the up from work and make sure there is something to eat for them  But most of all I needed to continues with my deep meditation practice which is headed towards my genuine submission to Islam and Allah, Lord of the Worlds. I find that to do this i have to affect change in my life style as the one I was in was drifting towards lackadaisical and decadent of mind and spirit.
So with my daughter's help i threw some stuff into the car and went over to my neighbor's to borrow RM50 for the gas and highway Toll, but she gave me RM100 and told me it is a gift not a loan so i do not have to worry about paying back, Muslims take this into consideration  seriously such that if by chance I die on my journey I will not be in debt to her. I gave fifty to my daughter for her to make it through the next few days till her first pay cheque. I tried to express how I felt to her I needed to do this not because i was avoiding her but it was for me personally, my own well being mentally and physically. I hope she understands it fully and as for my son, he seems to be into his own world of Face Book and whatever else that he did not even ask nor say proper goodbye. So I take it as another omen that he too has broken free from my cares.

Breakfast of Champions!

Had a high fever and terrible headache second night so spent most of the night getting in touch with my body finding the balance again of the elements through deep meditation. This body is made up of Earth, Water, wind and fire and then there is Consciousness a consciousness of the presence of  these elements and their interdependence and how when one i out of proportion the body suffers an imbalance. I one of my meditation practices I would send an affirmations or some calls it auto suggestions to my mind saying, like "I am the Master of my Body, Speech and Mind. and this I do almost every night and whenever else I remember along with other affirmations and this actually is from the teachings of the Raja Yoga or Yoga of the Mind which I learned since I was a young adult. What this is suppose to do is to 'educate the mind' and it is also to train the millons of cells in the brain to function accordingly. Does it work? WallahuAllam, God only knows, but I just assume it does as even as i am sitting here at the cyber cafe at the edge of the universe entering my blog I know it works.
Today being Friday I was just at the mosque and am hungry, so i will continue writng some other time when I get a chance to drive out here from Lintang organic farm three KM away in the foothills where the tigers still roam.
Peace!

The End of Knowledge.

I have been listening to the debates between Christians and Muslims of late as part of my progress towards a better understanding of  the Monotheistic religions of Judeo, Christian and Islam and the more I listen to the many debaters and preachers from all over the world the more i am getting flabbergasted, not so much confused but just simply astonished at so much noise raised by all parties in order to prove whose religion or whose prophet is right or wrong at the end of the day. I am not one to memorize quotes from the Biblical text or Quranic verses or  any of the religious Books but from what i hear my mind simply reels with overload of numbers and verses more than what is being said. I am not agreeing with nor am I opposed to any of the thoughts and ideas being presented by these highly learned and often passionate presenters, but i am more bemused by the fact that from all that i am hearing I still am not convince as to how all these would help me with my Lord, the One that i believe in and pray to. I have accepted my faith in Islam with no doubt and worship Allah, end of story, filed and encrypted into my memory bank. I arrived at this faith through my own journey of self discovery and in getting to know who I am through various religions and practices in my life, I studied religions before i committed to my faith. I studied myself as i studied the religions and I studied all the other sciences that is out there to verify my understanding of my faith and now I am at a point where i can safely say yes indeed, I am a Muslim by faith and understanding. However I have yet to experience what i is to be a perfect Muslim or if I even qualify to be considered Jannah or Heaven when I die, but suffice to say I feel i have arrived at the gate.
Why do i spend hours listening to all there is that is available on You Tube and read all there is on the Internet about these religious issues like one who is still looking for something when he has already found what he is looking for? Perhaps ii is because i may have found what i think I am looking for, but it may still be looking for me. I have had my whole life to ascertain the truth to what i am looking for in terms of my 'salvation' or my state of liberation or whatever it was in the beginning when my heart and mind decided that I was in need of such a thing. But along the way i discovered all the various sideshows and roadside attractions, I discovered Atheism and Philosophy and Science and I discovered Zen Buddhism and Hinduism and Christianity and Sufism and Taoism and Judaism and then there was  J.Krishnamurti and Alan Watts and Swami Ramana Maharshi and Yogananda, and the rest of them so many and so diverse that till today i am who I am because of my long journey of self seeking faith finding journey that has ended with the One, Ahad, Allah. I have given up on all the theories and texts that the wise men of the religion of the Book are arguing over whose God is right or whose Prophet was greater, I don't need to waste my time anymore other than just to seek greater insight into the what I already hold to be true.In essence I have burned all my books and my bridges behind me where my faith is concern.
If you are a Hindu, be a good Hindu, if you are be a Buddha, if you are a Christian become like Christ and if you are Muslim submit your will to Him and take none other than Him as your Lord. Life is about living in this world and being of use to it in any way you can, life is servitude to others to serve those in need. Life is about Love and Compassion, life is about living with greater awareness of who you are in relation to the rest of the universe around you. When you have fully lived life I feel you will find that to which your faith belongs, until then you are merely existing, occupying time and space till the day you die perhaps still wondering who is right and who is wrong.

Thus Vedanta means "the end of knowledge". Vedanta is that highest spritual knowledge knowing which, there remains nothing further to be known. It is Self knowledge (Atmavidya). It is knowledge of the Absolute Truth (Brahmavidya). Vedanta teaches the real or essential nature of God, the universe, and the individual being (Self) and its oneness with God. 

I am using this quote of the Vedanta simply because it expresses what I am trying to say more better.

"So, so you think you can tell...Heaven from Helll... Blue skies from pale..."
Pink Floyd...Wish You Were Here.

My Daughter is Back!

Patience is a virtue that one can never talk enough of and I have been subjected to a whole lot grief on account of not having enough patience in my past life. Due to this lack of this  moral courage to have patience when I most sorely need to i have lost many great friendships and people who matters most in my life through one fault or another. I have made many unmitigated decisions through being in a rush or impatient making what was not so serious into a more deadly issue and this sometimes ends up in a physical confrontation of which I would always walk away feeling like a damn fool. Again perhaps it is part of growing old that i have slowly but surely come to see better how i end up loosing my tempers due to my lack of patience or i get all hyped up simply because i never gave time a chance to work things out for itself. Of late I am seeing how problems in my life that i thought were in dire need to be tended to immediately  dissipate and to my pleasant surprise solve itself on its own without me having much to do about it, except feeling a little guilt that such a thing could be possible.
 Marissa, my daughter has completed her studies and was returning home and i knew of this a bout a month earlier and so there i was tossing and turning and wondering what to do as the days gets closer, but at the same time  a part of me said, here is where you put your practice to the test, leave it to Allah to make things happen. I needed money to go to get her and all her four years of accumulated things and i needed to get some kind of transportation or perhaps by bus, and so on and  so on till i exhausted myself but in the end manage to get just enough to buy me a bus ticket to and fro. I managed to sell to my friends two of my small pieces of artworks and was ready to purchase the ticket when i called her and found out that she had a ride home with one of her close friend and not to worry about money! So what do i say, oh well Such Is. Thank You Lord for little favors, had i only be a little more patient and have a little more faith. But I was not very convince and so needed to have a back up plan just in case and so i approached my artist friends who were also much in financial need themselves to help me out. Was it because i was willing to be honest about my situation with them or was it because a part of me wanted to believe that my Lord does care that things happen the way they did, just pure coincidence? I want to believe, i need to believe as i see more and more madness manifesting around me all over the world. I need to believe even in the smallest of His miracles or Grace because without which I seem bleak and  dark days ahead for me and my fellow man.

“Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

"Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen” 
― Margot Benary-Isbert

Positive Affirmations - Paul Santisi

"I am consciousness! I am Prosperous in everything that i do, I am Aware! I Am confidence, I Am Everything! I Am Feeling better and better all the time, I am Eternal, I am achieving all my dreams , I am excited for the success of others, I am aware to rise above and persevere, I am opportunity, I am the voice, I am waking up! I Am thankful of all the great things in my life, I am aware that I  AM a Champion, I AM a champ;lt; the Best! I Am essence! I Am number One! I AM Energy. I am a part of creation and celebration of Love, I Am aware that the control system does not control me. I AM Aware that *I AM the Universe! I AM amazing! I am aware that I Am Perfect! I Am having a positive impact on the Planet! I AM the reason the World is Bright! I AM the best possible 'Self'. I AM aware the Truth is within me... i Am Magic! I AM vibrating Love! I AM vibrating dynamic health! I AM vibrating Gratitude! I AM vibrating enthusiasm! I Am making  a difference! I AM Perfect! I AM attracting the right people into my life. I AM infinite possibility! I AM from within! I serve Humanity! I AM changing the World! I AM a creative expression of Myself. I AM Destiny! I AM unconditional Love for myself! I AM at Peace!" I AM THAT, I AM!....the I AM Affirmations by Paul Santisi from You Tube.
I have been doing this for as long as i can remember although not with routine regularity but only as often as i can remember. Or as someone said i remember to remember when i remember! Yes from personal experience as an old man it did and still does help to get me out of some ruts and stagnancy every time they threaten to overcome me. I often catch myself forgetting all that I Am and my mind would slip into its downward spiral of doom and gloom often leading to laziness and stupor or as i mentioned time and again despair. When i forget all about my potential as a human being my thoughts will raise old and decayed issues like with my family, my brothers and looking at them with an accusation for my fate, I would succumb to feeling negative about everyone who in the past had played a role in creating the person that i am or so I was making myself believe. I became a total victim of my own mind and my own unconscious ignorance. If i had not taken the steps to get a hold of my own fate in knowing who this guy is truly I would not have made it thus far. I would have fallen by the wayside like a drunk or a drug addict waiting my time of demise. I am thankful that earlier in my life I was given the seed to grow inside my mind to change my perception of who I am, and now i know i am full of seeds of Greatness and i am loving life.
It all takes time though and trials and tribulations that will rip you apart at times and dash you hard against the rocks, but whenever i remember my practice or my own affirmations I would automatically find myself in the presence of my Lord asking Him for His Grace and Protection against my own Ego, (Nafs.). My journey henceforth is getting closer to my Lord, my Creator to Allah subhana huwatala, and it is not by any means trying to make anyone a Muslim who not already is. It just so happens that for me the journey has always be moving towards the Lord of Power as He is also known. What else is there to the meaning of this life now that it is slowly coming to a close, but to become one with that which is One and that from which one has come and to that which one returns? It does not matter what religion or belief system you have you still will at the end of the day return somewhere or into something but what you do not want to happen if to die in ignorance of what or whee you are headed for like all this life you have been through gives you no sense of hope or inkling at all as to your origin.If you are so bound and determined to accept the fact that your are nothing but a dust in the wind or a pigment of your own imagination then you will most probably end up with nothing as your final resting place, however your genetic make up will still have residues of your ancestral faiths and beliefs which will come into play when you are struggling with your last breath as fear has the tendency to stir up hopes and wishes. A drowning man will clutch at the straw if it will save him, he will not say "Gate, Gate Paragate, Parasam Gate, Bodhi Svaha!" Simply because he will not have the time nor the mind to do so when struck with the fear of death, because by then his mind would be clinging on to whatever that comes to mind which he thinks would help him or save him from the clutches if not the pains of death. Lest we loose ourselves like cattle before the slaughter knife it is the human thing to do to at least have a healthy understanding of where you came and where you are headed for afterwards; unless you have attained to Buddha Nature and the mind is totally annihilated at the very moment of death.
Hence we strive to be positive in our words thoughts and deeds so as to ensure that when it is time for us to face the inevitable we be a little more ready and perhaps even feel a little more positive about it. Given that no man goes to his grave laughing with joy and many seem to have a difficulty accepting it, with a little preparation there is perhaps a possibility of making the transition a more positive and even creative process with the mind fully accepting and the souls coming into a state of readiness to move on to the other shore leaving behind all that it has been burdened with as part of his life. Letting go is never an easy task even for the best of us but with some practice and mindfulness approach perhaps the process can be made to happen such that man can give up his life or his final breath with dignity. These positive affirmations that Paul Santisi and the likes of him has been sharing with the general public is one means of achieving such a state of consciousness whereby one is more prepared and even courageous in the face of death. Meanwhile one would also benefit from such affirmations in this life for sure as it helps to set one's mind on a more positive outlook about life with all its possibilities and its abundance of Love and Compassion if and when called upon.







  

Rashid the Artist.

Whenever  I spend time with my artist friend Rashid, who I consider to be one of the best in the State as a portrait painter, he would talk religion and politics. Sometimes he keeps repeating the same story again and again over the years that i have known him and it is through his tales that i pretty much learn all I need to know about Islam, the politics in Malaysia and last but not least Art. Out of politeness and the need for his company I paid attention to his stories with more and more enthusiasm as I am beginning to realize that my  friend is a genuine scholar in his own right more so than most i know of. He is genuinely sincere in his studies of these topics and spends hours reading over the Internet. All I need to do is ask a question like hit the search button and he is off into the specific time zones and relevant episodes of his life in relation to what was asked. Rashid is an Anwar Ibrahim's man and never get him off on that topic!
This evening as always we had coffee at a shop around the corner from the Malay Art gallery on Chulia Street. This is where we would sit right by the main gate of the Kapitan Kling Mosque which later at night turns into the Nasi Kandar Beratur a most famous place for the local specialty of Nasi Kandar. In the evening usually there is not many customers and so we have the place pretty much to ourselves and Rashid went through his whole narratives covering topics from the times of the Prophet of Allah and the cause for the rift between Shiah and Sunis, the ursenic to kill Anwar ibrahim and how he was privileged to learn all about the psychological warfare from the UMNO political machinery and how he had worked as a customs officer and witnessed the corruption way back when. I have no choice but to believe him simply because of how he repeats these stories time and again and they always were the same. He told me of his days with the Anak Alam group of artist in Kuala Lumpur and how he had known Latiff Mohideen back then and the crazy thing they were doing together. Rashid is the strongest supporter of Anwar Ibrahim the opposition leader who was at one time the deputy prime minister of the country and who toady is still being haunted by his sodomy trials. In this manner i am being kept upsated of the events that i am writing about in my Blog without having to read too much about them, my source of refference knows more details than most.
In return Rashid is the one person I would let all my feelings show, someone i can share all my crap with if and when I get the chance to tell my story because normally i would just listen while he tells his stories. One of the topics that intrigues me in our conversation is the sectarian differences of shiah and Suni and how this came to be and Rashsid has been making this his point of focus of late as he browse the  You Tube on the subject and read all the articles from various Ulama and Ustaz, Sheikh and religious historians from all over the Muslim world. This evening he again talked of how it was that the prophet's wife Aishah was a real duce bag who most shiah believes might have even poisoned the Prophet. he was telling me of how she had been instrumental in the demise of the second and third  Khaliph according to shiah historians.
Islam would have been a more dominant religion had it not been for the sectarian conflict that has haunted the religion for centuries. Today more than evr the religion is at the mercy of  unscrupulous Muslim leaders who exploited the sectarian issue to divide and conquer for their own self interest and all over the Muslim world this division of faith is like a cancerous virus eating away at the Ummah and its Unity.The violent manifestations of such conflict has given Islam its worse image as a terrorist religion among other things. The Christian and western world feeds on this dilemma that Islam faces making the religion seemed aggressive and often violent and unapproachable.But to those who knows the religion and its principles it is a far cry from what the religion is really about, it is a religion of Peace and Unity no matter what its followers may chose to do.There is no doubt that islam is a threat tot Christianity and other religions around the world, but it is not from its violent nature as accused by non muslims but from the teachings and tennets of the religion itself; most westerners convert to Islam because of its principles.

I found that for every question I could raise, Islam had a convincing answer.
My path was through books, I came through the theory. It was a rational choice, not an emotional choice. I looked at the information which was out there, compared and contemplated. Islam was the answer to every question. -By Nourdeen Wildeman

Muslim Revert - The Netherlands

" His voyage to Mecca helped him discover the atoning power of Islam as a means to unity as well as self-respect: “In my thirty-nine years on this earth,” he would write in hisautobiography, “the Holy City of Mecca had been the first time I had ever stood before the Creator of All and felt like a complete human being.” - of Malcolm X

The Haj - Its that Time.

TGIF! Thank God it's Friday! I get to go to the mosque! The Imam talked of the Haj and about sacrifices and about not compromising when it comes to faith and belief and he was a feisty,  fiery preacher! "God said to Abraham, Kill me a son! and Abe said No! and God said then when you see me you better run...Abe said where you want this killing done?: God said Down on Highway 61!" Bob Dylan sand in one of his songs. God is the Great Tester and tests men for his faith and in the days of Abraham it must have been extra hard after living out in the wilds to have a voice telling to him to go kill his first born and him who was having great difficulties in getting a child in the first place and had to marry his servant in order that she may bear him a child and then to make matters worse God decided to give his first wife a child too although she was way past child bearing age, a miracle of God! Oh my Lord Why?! Till this day they argue who Abraham was asked to sacrifice, was it Ismael as the Muslims believe or was is Isaac as the Jews and Christians believe. Why the misconception purposely ordained such that nations war against nations and religions against each other on account of God's Test. Forgive me my Lord I am but a simpleton who is very ignorant of Your ways but I deserve to understand why! Why does Hajjar, the mother of Ismail had to suffer in the desert looking for water to quench her thirst and her child's and what was Abraham doing then?
And the young Imam was threatening with brimstone and fire from the pulpit upon those who has no inclination the ways of the Prophet of Allah when he set to clean up Mekah and Madinah from the worship of idols, like it is the biggest problem Muslim face today The biggest problem Islam faces today is sectarian divisiveness namely the Shia's and the Sunis who are willing to the extent of killing one another in the name of the religion, and to this date of my going to the mosque not a single Imam had talked about this issue.
If the Prophet of Allah were to by some miracle be alive today what would He have to say about the fate of the Muslim world, I wonder! He most probably would hide His face and cry inside the cave where he met Gibrail Alai i Salam. He most probably would have begged to be free from carrying the burden of modern day Muslims to his grave. I do not stand to understand the historical facts that had led to this tragedy among Muslims today it has never been my study but as a professed Muslim it is a great heartache for me to see the wanton and brutal murders of Muslims by fellow Muslims all over the Muslim world and all in the name of Allah! When will we ever wake up from our nightmare of living in denial and face what it is the really threatened our very existence. What are the great Muslim leaders and fiery Ulama doing about his strangle hold of Religious Sectarian conflict that is eating the religion of Allah like a cancer while millions pay with hard earned money to perform the fifth pillar of Islam; the Haj. With all that money generated from the business of performing the Haj you would think that the Islamic world should be free from and form of conflict. But where is all that money generated from millions of Muslims from all over the world? The Keepers of the two Holy Cities of mekah and Madianh is the Saud King with a kingdom already very wealthy with its oil resources and yet where is all that money that my cousin and her husband has worked their entire lives gone to? Perhaps for better infra structure, like five star hotels and escalators so that there is less walking from one site to another or perhaps one day a super dome with air conditioning covering the whole of the Kaabah area.
It is mind boggling when you look into all that goes into this preparation of going to perform the Haj today and the amount of money each and every individual has to dole out regardless as everything is being institutionalized  to make thing easier and to make sure that each and every department involved gets its cut. I was at my niece's house and listening to them talk of the Haj and how they have opened an account for all three of the children ages four, three and not even one yet at the Tabung Haji or the Haj Bank here. My brother's wife was saying and you know what they do not even have any piggy banks for the kids! Oh No! No piggy banks and this is one of the most lucrative banks in the country? Oh ya said my niece, and remember how they swindled billions out of it a few months ago? Oh yeah? Like Wow! The youngest child will be able to go to Mekah in 2075 to do his HaJ! Like Wow! if he lives that long and in the meantime you feed the bank with all the investment, I did not say this to her but i thought about it. here are true Muslims making their sacrifices in order that they can fulfill God's command, "Kill me a son!"The banks are making a killing.
Will I ever go to Mekah? maybe if the Lord decides that i am eligible to visit His home, if not oh well... it is one of life's irony, my son the Pilot lives next door to Mekah in Dubai and I could have hitchhiked to the Holy Cities had i wanted to but...And for those good Muslims who think of jumping on my case for how i see this whole thing, don't get me wrong, I love and fear my Lord just as much as you do and I would like to be able to fulfill all that he ask of me but I have walked a different path from the one you have and how far or how near I am to my Lord, only he will decide and this Bloggin itself is a testimony as to how often I think of life after death. So before you decide to judge me for my faith look deeply at who you are and who I am, are we the same? No, not even if we came out of the same womb.
Allah is in my heart, His abode is within me and wherever I be there He is. I do not need to look elsewhere whether up or down  far or near all I have to do is remember and He is there.  He is my Lord, my Creator and from Him I came and to Him I will return when all is said and done and as for you it is your choice whatever He may be to you or where ever you will find Him.To each his own as we came into this life alone so we will leave it with none to accompany us, that we sow will be what we reap, good seeds, bad seeds, it is all entirely up to each and everyone of us. As for my on my own pilgrimage or performing the Haj or not that is entirely up to Him but I will make my efforts to fulfill this desire as it is although not strictly compulsory, it is the fifth of the Pillars of Islam and I have yet to fulfill the second completely. I do not say this without fear or regret but i say it as it is, I have yet to earn the right to become a true Muslim.When the time comes for me to blow my last breath I sincerely hope and pray to my Lord that He will be there in my hear and soul for as far as submission is concern I have always been His from the day I first heard the Azan from our Surau or Masjid Makhbul one of the oldest suraus in Georgetown, where i first went to my Friday prayers sometime in 1955. The Imam that gave the sermon then had long passed on and many more like him since then, but today I am rarely impressed by the tirades I hear from the pulpit every Friday and I will always pray from the first row of the 'saf' or line of worshipers; I stand directly before Him when I pray.
From my lonely heart of hearts, AllahuAkhbar!  I am getting too deep, time to retreat from this topic.!
The truth is out there it is a matter if you want or not to discover it, the truth is within you if you so incline to take the journey within and see for yourself, the truth to who you truly are, not just words by to actually feel the Living Truth that is God. Truth has nothing to do with Shiah or Suni, this mazhab or that, Truth reveals itself to those who it chose to have the revelation. Truth only gives its glimpses of Satori to those ready.
Suffering is because of Ignorance and Desire, I shall overcome it.
"Ask, and you shall be given! Knock and it shall upon" You have to be the beggar in life before you can experience being the Sultan of Souls in Spirit. The Dharma gates are limitless but i shall enter them! The impermanence of life does allow for me to be choosy but to choose the best of all possibilities; I am Eclectic, Religions of the World are the Collective Consciousness of every nation, cultures and tribal groups on this Planet, they all profess to create The Greater Good, to create Harmony and Peace, Love and Compassion, to be united in Spirit if not in Hearts, to Heal the Planet and our  Conciousness itself. We have to start from within our own Seat of the Soul, Buddha calls it your Dharma Position, that ground of being from which you stand before your Lord when you say ALLAHUAKHBAR! and begin your Solah. When you declare your presence before Him, Lord of the Worlds, you must stand in unity of Body Mind and Spirit, you are the Whole! As you raise your two hands to your ears as though you are about to let out a loud roar, you must be in this state of mind of Emptiness; I stand before You my Lord naked,  Allahuakhbar! I and my Lord is One.

Paul Santisi - I am

I am That, I am, this is an ancient dictum that stems from the Hebrew conception of monotheism that God exists by himself for himself, and is the uncreated Creator who is independent of any concept, force, or entity; therefore "I am who I am" (ongoing). The Hindu scriptures has a different dictum but with the same connotation,
Tat Tvam Asi (Sanskrit: तत् त्वम् असि or तत्त्वमसि), a Sanskrit sentence, translated variously as "That art thou," "That thou art," "Thou art that," "You are that," or "That you are," is one of the Mahāvākyas (Grand Pronouncements) in Vedantic Sanatana Dharma. It originally occurs in the Chandogya Upanishad 6.8.7
 The meaning of this saying is that the Self - in its original, pure, primordial state - is wholly or partially identifiable or identical with the Ultimate Reality that is the ground and origin of all phenomena.

"...You who know Jalaluddin, You the one in all, say who I am. Say I am you." - Al Rumi

"What then is the truth? The truth is simple: Man was created in the Image of our universal heavenly Father. Man has great divine potential. He may in the course of his life nurture a strong soul within himself, so strong that the soul survives after the death of his physical body..." G.I.Gurdjiuf

I had a moving experience yesterday evening while listening to an audio on You Tube put together in 3D sound by Pail Santisi called 'I AM". affirmations or Re Educate your Soul. I am sure just about everyone but me have had the experience of listening to these Audios and i am just a late comer to this phenomena. Nonetheless for those who have have not had the experience i would highly recommend listening to these audios and who knows how they may be of help to you. So I am actually yelling out loud to my children on this, if they are still reading my Blog, Check It OUt!! However you need to have earphones for this, more better impact for sure.
I felt at home immediately as i have my own self affirmation practices for over forty years now and most of the expressions Paul uses are included in my own phrases for my what i used to call 'auto suggestions' to my brain cells and my mind.and I still do it till this day every time i sit. One of my collection of phrases are  and this i must have mentioned time and again my my earlier entries, " I am whole. Perfect, Strong and Powerful, Loving, Compassionate, Harmonious and Happy! and i can do what I will to do... So help me God or Insha'Allah! So when I listened to all these voices whispering and shouting from one corner of my head to the other for an hour i felt like my practice has taken on a more concrete form, it has manifested itself into this highly technological Audio effort put together as though just for me!. I brought smiles, laughter and tears to my emotions, this I thought was what it meant that our thoughts and consciousness can manifest in time like a fruit ripe and ready. Funny how when i opened the You Tube URL I was tempted to pick on an old Star Trek movie of some Klegon wars or something simply because and I saw this audio with the words "I AM".  Not an easy choice when you mind is on the borderline of boredom and needing a nap. But my curiosity if not my sense of discipline got the better of me and am i glad for such small favors. Thank You Sir, Mr. Santisi!
I highly doubt that most people who are not into this kind of stuff like meditation and self discovery and spiritual tripping would appreciate these audios, but then again who knows? If there is any positive use to the Internet and You Tube in particular it is in the availability of these numerous works, lectures and documentaries by the great minds of our time, if only we put the to use to educate ourselves. I sincerely believe that we have run out of options of saying no one ever told me so, if we know how to use the Internet, be forewarned cause i have the feeling God is going to use this as one of His questions on why we are so stupid. Oh, my Lord! Forgive me! I spent more time watching kinky Japanese and Korean movies and  oh yeah reruns of old Star Treks! The Buddha is said to have said, "In this human form, seek Liberation don't waste time!" or something like that.
It is 5.30 am and i am getting to feel very hungry. I woke up at 3.30 and sat for a while and during my sitting relfected over the experience I had with Paul Santisi's audio again and it ran through my hed like i was at the computer desk and my headphones on, but i was sitting on my bed and my body was sobbing and tears were popping out of my skull. I felt very happy and it has been quite a while that i have felt this feelings before and I raised my hands and thanked my Lord from the silence of my heart, Alhamdullilah Ya Rabbi! Thank You Lord for this revelation I felt a step closer to You. 
Now I am going to listen to the 2nd Audio!
 .   

Sit like a Mountain.

I am not trying to make converts out of anyone not to Buddhism or Islam, not to any religions that they not already are, I am merely looking at myself and wondering where i stand with regard to my Maker. I am merely looking to find Peace and forgiveness for all my transgressions that some of which only i know, committed in the privacy of my own mind. For these there is only the Divine that can forgive and to beg for forgiveness from my Lord requires i find the real knowledge and understanding of who I am;who is it that is the sinner. Yes,it sometimes seems heavy and sober and makes for boring reading, but this is a very personal journey that started out many years ago as diary of sorts and later turned into a vehicle for catharsis and is turning into a journal or revelation. And Jesus is said to have said, "The Truth shall set you free." What is freedom? Freedom from what? Who holds the keys to the locks and chains that has bound you to this ignorance? The Zen Master is said to have said, "Show me the one that holds you prisoner and I will set you free!" If there is anything i would like to share with those who happen to have read my writings, it is to find their own captors and jailers, their slave masters and petty tyrants and confront these till you have set yourself free, only in freedom can you worship your Lord.
It has taken me a whole lot of bad English and poor spellings, a whole lot of soul searching and fears of being ridicule and frowned upon over these years to arrive at this moment in writing what my heart dictates with more freedom than I have ever felt since. Now i feel like the dam has finally broke loose and the outpouring of  my thoughts and feelings are the outcome of my ever deeper quest into nature of who I am and what my connection is to my Lord. Now, whenever i sit to meditate the moment the thought of my Lord crosses my mind or I say Bissmillah, in the Name of my Lord, I feel intense pouring of energy all over my physical body so much so that sometimes i avoid doing so simply because I wanted to enjoy the quiet sitting rather than entertain uncomfortable flow of intense energy shaking my form like an earthquake.It often leaves me with aches and pain all over and this I can do without so i try not to indulge too much with the spiritual energy when i sit although I would call out whenever i find my mind getting the better of me or some external intrusion is causing a disruption upon my meditation.
I have not regular set of sitting times or a set routine, I find myself sitting everywhere and anywhere regardless if i were in the Mall or the Mosque, while listening to a lecture or watching Captain America on the big screen, I sit. In sitting I find that space within where silence prevails and all thoughts radiates from. In sitting my mind expands into the cosmos without my knowledge and my imagination is ever fueled to allow for creativity to emanate from within with originality. It is through my sitting that I find more about who I am, how far or how near that I am from my Lord and while in this state of complete mindfulness that I feel the presence of Allah and His Loving Kindness, His Blessings and Forgiveness. It is in moments like these that i feel completely free from all attachments and clinging, from all desires and cravings, in moments like these i cease to exist.
Hence whatever it is your belief system may be, whatever it is your religious inclination may be, I have no desire to persuade you otherwise, it is not my intention, I have my own fish to fry and eggs to boil. To you your way to me mine, we are all looking for the same basic things in this life and i hope that we will find them in due course.I only hope that whatever it may be, we will strive towards a universal understanding for peace and prosperity for all. As individuals we can make a whole lot of difference but collectively we can move mountains.  

What is "Fana'?

What is action? What can I do to help alleviate the suffering, stop the degeneration that is going on of my society, not in the future but now, in the present moment and action not based on the past. Is there an action that is not conforming to the past or condoning to future action. So what is my responsibility? So what action should i take? What is action? To act according to a formula is no action at all, cause you repeat and that repetition is part of a security and the repetition gives a certain sense of well being, we are stable, we are firm. Is action based on certain memories, certain knowledge, certain past experiences? What is action? What is to act? Not, I will act or I have acted bu to act now!
What shall I  do and realizing the responsibility of it, the greatness of it. So is there an action that is not of the past and conforming to the future.? These are questions that  the late Jedu Krishnamurti ask in one of his talks  and I realized that i had to get off my duff and do something worthwhile for the day, by worthwhile i mean something which would be creative and productive.This is one thing i know i am good at and if i can get myself to start at it i might just jump start myself into the next phase of my practice and that is to put meditation into action. I have been spending a whole lot of time sitting on my butt and practically observing every single though that arises and every form of experiences that i had gone through past present and into the future as I also project my experiences before they happen. How do i bring this practice of mindfulness meditation or Vipassana Insight meditation to my daily actions now that it is time to move on and face the external and all that it has in store.
A meditative state of mind actually does not begin or end once you have discovered its potential, it is only a matter of how intensely one is in tune with one's state of consciousness that changes from moment to moment. There will times when you totally 'loose it' and find yourself right back on square one of mental drudgery and delusions and this is when you find you are in the grips of your inherent neurosis and psychotic tendencies; you are back to being the fool that you are. Then there are times when you feel so heightened that you are capable of manifesting anything your mind desires or whatever you intend to happen. will happen, "Kun faya kun!" "Be, and it Is." This is the states of mindfulness that fluctuates throughout one's daily course of living that is if one's practice is not complete and established. There much yet to be covered in terms of arriving at the liberated stage of one who has gone beyond and these stages are only achievable by those who practice within a cloister of practitioners who with like minded dedication and persistent and perseverance can help one to reach the other shore safely. Without special guidance and instructions from a qualified teacher or Guru, such meditation practices like Vipassan cannot be undertaken without detrimental effects to the practitioner.
Over the years my practice of meditation has evolved very slowly and gradually leading up to this moment when i feel like I have touched its surface and have a little understanding on the workings of my mind and how to contain it whenever it gets carried away like it often does. I have a long time since accepted the fact that my mind is short of being a "mess' since i was a child and i have tried to unraveled as much as i could of the whys and whens and hows in my journals earlier and now in my Blogging. As i might have mentioned year ago in one of my entries that i have tired to commit suicide twice and was asked to confide a shrink while living in San Francisco and i was an alcoholic and a drug addict a great part of my young adult life; I was a lost cause and threw away a few great relationship in the process. So if asked why the hell am I doing all these, my answer is I need to keep my sanity in check and one way this can happen is by exposing all that i can and hope that by so doing I can purify my soul and if nothing else find some peace in me before i die
I also do it with the hope that if by chance i am good at it i might be able to share my discoveries with others. I am no teacher and doubt that i will ever be one when it comes to spiritual practices but i have been through most of the religions in my life and not just through reading and listening but through practice as well and i have found in all i have come to accept Allah and Islam as my faith and religion. I think no less of other faith and respect the beliefs of others without with understanding and as for Buddhism for me it is not a religion but a Way of life. Buddhism is one man's answers to the question of life and the suffering  that man endures in life. No other religion is more thorough and direct in facing the trials and tribulations that man has to go through from cradle to grave. It is the most complete and systematic approach to the the question of how to live this life despite its travails. However Buddhism leads me up the Gate and to step through this gate and beyond I need to have unfailing faith in the All Mighty Creator, Lord of the Worlds and Lord of the Hereafter Allah Subhana huwa Taala. To step into absolute emptiness is unfathomable to this still ignorant mind of mine. Only the Buddha's teachings can lead me to Fana' or emptiness and in the state of Fana' only my Lord exist for I, am no more.

Encyclopedia Article for fana

' ("to pass away," or "to cease to exist"), the complete denial of self andthe realization of God that is one of the steps taken by the Muslim Sufi(mystic) toward the achievement of union with God. Fana may be attainedby constant meditation and by contemplation on the attributes of God,coupled with the denunciation of human attributes. When the Sufisucceeds in purifying himself entirely of the earthly world and loses himselfin the love of God, it is said that he has "annihilated" his individual will and"passed away" from his own existence to live only in God and with God.


Fanaa is the Sufi term for extinction. It means to annihilate the self, while remaining physically alive. Persons having entered this state are said to have no existence outside of, and be in complete unity with, Allah. Fanaa is equivalent to the concept of nirvana in Buddhism and Hinduism or moksha inHinduism which also aim for annihilation of the self.
Abu Yazid al-Bistami approached the Divine Presence and “knocked on the gate”. He was asked, “Who is there?” “I have come, Oh my Lord”, replied Abu Yazid. He was told: “There isn’t any place here for two. Leave your ego behind and come”. When Abu Yazid once again approached the Divine Presence and was asked who it was, he said: “You, oh Lord”.