Who am I kidding?

One of my main purpose of  making my retreat this time is to try to purify myself mentally and physically if not spiritually, but it is almost a week now and all i am dealing with are rumblings from age old thought processes that seems to haunt my mind and keep me from doing any proper meditations or even perform my 'Solat' or prayer! Ancient twisted karmas as the Buddhist would call them, those karmic consequences that are so deep rooted in my past that I cannot even begin to relate some of them of how bad they were, but, they are there and will keep me occupied for as long as i am alive and to reconcile with as much as i can is the reason to be sitting here and doing my meditation and Zikr, and trying to perform my solat as best i can and keeping my thoughts from running wild with regrets and self mortification,
I have been living of Maggy Mee, noodles and rice with soy souce as I have run out of money and my friend Shawal has also been chipping in for us to survive. In the mornings i have my Quaker Oats and sometimes would also have a boiled egg to go with but most of the day it has been keeping it on a low budget subsistence. It has been a good lesson for me to be where I am at and the situation I am in. I tried to share my feelings with my Indonesian young friend who is worried himself about how to earn enough ot return and get married in Aceh. I was hoping that my sob stories would help him to forget a little of his own problems. We talked of how the locals are facing a very tough time in their daily life with the drop in the rubber prices to such an all time low. You can almost feel it in the air when you visit the shops or talk to people. I can feel it among the guys who work at the farm as they go about their daily task, they seem less joyful and almost depressed. What is the government doing about this situation? Not a whole lot according to most of those who I talk to and it5 seems things are not going to get any better as the rain keeps pouring day in day out.
I am still experiencing some cold and has taken just about every action to challenge the situation like taking cold bath and a swim in the cold river when I do not feel well and sometimes it helps but often times it raises hell all over my parts like I am having a major over haul of some kind. This is when I put my meditation into action by focusing my mind on finding the points of origin and working out each aching part till they dissipate. I am perhaps playing with fire as i am sure it has passed the time when I should visit a doctor as i am sure i am suffering from one kind of major illness or another, but I just have to ride it out as I intend to put my practice to test, like see if it really works, the i can heal myself with my mind. After all those years of putting my faith and belief in such practices as the Raja Yoga and The Power of Suggestion and so forth what good would it do to just run off into the Doctor's office to find out that I have cancer of the whatever, or that I have high blood pressure with Diabetes and kidney malfunction etc..  most of which I am sure I most probably do have after all the abuses i have put my body through to get where i am. However if I am to die of anything it might as well be through my own making and on my own terms, if I can help it. I have given up smoking and drinking and against my own free will women! So by right I should be somewhere on the healthy side of life and all these minor aches and pains I will just have to take them as they come and call if part of getting old. For so long as i can still walk up the hills on a cold misty morning and work up a sweat, I think I am still doing okay. What is of more critical issue at hand is to deal with this rascal of a mind that I have throughout my life helped to propagate and now has taken a life of its own or so it seems. This is primarily why I am here as it would almost be impossible to be in this state of consciousness if I were living back in  Penang where there is just too much sidetracks and distractions, too many easy way out and no answers forthcoming. So on we gooooo.