Wall! Karim is born!- The Bountiful.

 I have just driven  from one end of Georgetown to another after picking up my son Karim from his apartment in the Jelutong area at the end of Perak lane and dropping him off at Gurney Plaza where he is currently working. He is twenty seven and refuses to take a driver's license nor a motorcycle, he would rather walk take a bus or ride a bicycle, so dad drives. I look at it as a blessing as it gets me out of this apartment for a good reason and keeps in touch with my son to a certain extent enjoying his taste for music that gives me an added migraine to that i already have and listening to his   work stories at which he is doing great. I can now breath easy where Katrim's future is concern, at least career wise and his look at life. Nothing is a big hurry for him except getting to work on time.
the 
Both Karim and Marissa were born in the Bay Area of the City of San Francisco, California. Karim was born at the Davies Medical Center at the North Tower I believe where the panoramic view of the whole Bay Area and Downtown SF was laid out before us as my wife and I sat waiting for Karim to start kicking his way out. There was a Jacuzzi in the bathroom and a large Plasma TV screen on the wall showing the Red Sox against Giants game or something. I had my flute with me and when all is quiet  would squeeze out a few songs to keep my nerves from spilling out; my wife was going to have a baby after all! A loud sound system was attached to monitor the baby's heartbeat and sometimes it sound like a thousand horses were  released from the racing gate of some race course and the sound growing louder and louder till it arrives at a point and begins to slow down getting soft and softer and coming almost to a halt and then it starts all over again. 

My late wife was the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever met! She just blooms out in all directions as radiant as can be and was the envy of many who saw her, men and women. Yes, when my wife was pregnant i felt ten feet tall! I had the feeling that she too was very happy to be all fat and sassy, showing off as she struts  down hill from Haight Street on to Market Street where she taught at the city branch of Berkeley School in her blood red long skirt and her long blond hair flying wild, all pregnant and full of  life. Yes I would tell myself as I watch her go to her ESL classes, "There goes Nancy Fancy, my wife!" Having lived more than seven years of her life in Japan, Nancy walked twice as fast as any average American woman, pregnant or otherwise.  

I was never more in awe of a mother ( a woman) until I sat supporting my wife as she pushed my son out of her belly all screaming and hollering like ten mules being roasted alive; my God how they could bear the pain of childbirth! Millimeter upon millimeter of the top of the skull beginning to appear as she pushed with every breath screaming her soul out; it should be made mandatory that every husband should watch the birth of his child. It was having experienced this phenomena that i felt not only love but also a sense of  spiritual reverence for my wife and silently vowed to remain true to her in sickness and in health, but in the end i failed. my wife died after four years of suffering in a nursing home and i was not able to be with her even for a day. 
Such Is! Such Is!

My Way.

After twenty four years of living abroad my family and I returned to the East Coast of Kuala Terengganu, where my late wife was offered a teaching job at a local college,  Kolej Agama Sultan Zainal Abidin (KUSZA). This was in 1998 where we had arrived from Sendai, Japan ater having spent three years there where both of us were teaching and our two young children were attending preschool. It was in more than one way an ideal life for all of usexcept I was not fitting in too well as i had a hard time time learning the language and my children were dropping their English and adopting Japanese instead. My wife was more on the road all over japan teaching than being at home and i was stuck with the kids whom I was loosing touch with as I had a hard time understanding them. So I decided to move the family back to Malaysia thinking that it would be easier on all of us with my family being there to help us out. It was the biggest error i made and still regret having made it.
I had put my family through hell when I chose to settle down in Terengganu as they were fishes out of water after being relocated in a cultural and religiously hostile environment. It was naive of me to have thought that my family would be accepted with open arms by my siblings, relatives and so called friends. My wife was bullied and exploited by her employers while my children were treated like pariahs at their school. They fell victims to cultural and religious bigotry and I was trapped in between two shores of leaving or hanging in there. I hung in there and despite all the pressures kept my family afloat but the toll was exacted on my wife who fell ill perhaps from too much anxieties and pressures; she succumbed to what was later diagnosed in the United States as Alzheimer's and in her case, rapid dementia. My wife passed away in a small town of Waterloo, Illinois, in a hospice home.
I was not there for her in all her years of suffering from the illness and she was cared by her mother and brother. I was struggling to keep my two children in school here in Malaysia. Initially I had my two children accompanied their mother to the United States as i was not allowed to follow due to the 911 incident where travelling to the US was highly restricted especially from a Muslim country. I had the intention of following them as soon as i could but within a month my mother in law decided that she could not cope with all three of my family and sent my children back to Malaysia. I decided to raise my children in Penang when they returned with the idea that they would not face the same bullying and prejudice as they did in Terengganu. 
Today both my children have grown up into strong and intelligent adults holding good jobs and well respected by their peers. My gamble with life has perhaps paid off in the long run as far as my children are concern. They still carry with the scars and bruises afflicted by the circumstances that life had thrown at them, but they had survived and had their mother been alive today she would have been proud of them. I must admit that i was not and perhaps still am not a good father figure to my children, but i did all i could and then some.  
It was while going through with having to face the pressures of raising two angry kids on my own that i had decided to look deeper into myself and discover who i truly amd and what I am capable of. As an artist i had placed myself among the who is who of the local Penang art scene by having a few solo exhibitions, as a Blogger i have made over 2000 entries over the years and have over half a million hits to my Blog thus far. I am more or less a happier person and am growing old with a little sense of satisfaction that i too have done it my way. my way may not be the best, but it got me here.

  

Land of the Free, Home of the brave.

Woke up from the sofa with a start and could not tell if it was Sunday or Monday, morning or evening as it is dark outside and the clock says it is 5;30 Monday the 19th. Picked up the phone and saw a message from my daughter to call her back and I did, she was still in bed. So i decided to take a shower and sat on the sofa facing the computer and the call to prayer came almost immediately from the State Mosque a distance away below me. I had to listen very carefully through the whole prayer to verify whether it was two or three rakats that was performed. Two means it is the Fajr or morning prayer, and three means it is the Maghrib or evening prayer. it was two and so it is early in the morning. So i prayed after taking my wudu or purifying wash, and now I am still in a daze as to what is going on.

It is a pleasant feeling nonetheless, and hoping the sun would rise soon just to confirm that I am okay and not dead and still in limbo or something, would be nice if I am! I must have fallen asleep on the sofa all night long, and if so, what a sleep it was, as if I were dead, not a single dream that can remember; nice! No aches and pains from curling up on the sofa either, it is as though I was drugged. It is the most baffling feeling yet that I have ever experienced waking up and thank God there is a streak of light in the sky outside my window; I am still alive, too bad! Oh well, only have to look forward to another day and expect the unexpected and welcome the inevitable. If this is any indication of too much 'sitting' meditation and contemplation, it is nice to be in a limbo once in a while.
I miss my camera, I miss my daughter, and I miss my cat and now i miss my earphones! My god, all these things that i would miss if i am truly dead! Funny, the thought of missing my sons has not occurred to me, perhaps my subconscious is telling me that i should stop missing those who don't miss me in this life; it is a thankless if not futile, feeling and redundant to the already overloaded mind.

 On Facebook Book my friend Diane Rabinowitz posted an article of the rise of the youth of America against the ownership of guns in America, and i commented on the fact that they can start by genuinely apologizing to the Native Americans, whose forefathers were practically wiped out by the law of the guns. Karma sucks and now it has come to bite at you with a vengeance. But who cares about such cosmic retaliations and retributions anymore, "the History books tells it and they tells it so well, The cavalry charge and the Indians fell, the cavalry charge, the Indians died. Oh the country was young then, with God on its side." as Bob Dylan sang in one of his balad. What goes around will come around, and it is not a cliche; it is Karmic.

Perhaps the collective consciousness of the youth in the United States can help to heal the fractures caused by the wanton shootings all over the country by deranged and unscrupulous individuals. This is an epidemic that is fast becoming toxic and needs to be seriously curbed at the bud if it is not already too late. What would it take for the gun lovers and those who live in constant paranoia of being attacked to give up their weapons and live a free life, freedom from a self-imposed tyranny without fear? To truly live "in the land of the free and home of the brave?"

Kota Bharu 14th. March 2018

I am making this entry while eating my breakfast of friend rice and fried fish crackers or fritters, locally known as keropok ikan which was prepared by Fadliy’d wife, Ayu. No one home or so it seems and so I am left to my devices I have woken up and performed my Fajr or subuh prayer of two rakaats or prostrations and whispered to my Lord for my redemptions and my gratefulness on my second and last sujud or prostration as I was informed earlier in my life that this is the best time and moment to have a good chat with The Lord of Mercy. I never miss to ask for forgiveness for my sins of the past present and future while also expressing my gratitude for having been blessed with His Infinite Compassion in seeing me through my difficult times as well as my good times. I also ask for His protection against and taking refuge from such thing as falling from His grace and incurring His wrath, from my own egotistical tendencies and His ‘Tests’ of my faith in Him. When I felt like it was okay to do so time wise, as I was of the understanding that one should not stretch too long at this posture while in prayer. I would also ask that all my children wherever they are and in whatever situation they may find themselves in, that they be in His Guided Mercy.

The dawn prayer is usually followed by a short sitting meditation or Zazen which often ends up into an inner contemplation of events occurred the night or day before and sometimes a personal dialogue with my Maker, asking why and why not. This is followed by about an hours worth of Yoga like stretching exercises beginning from the seated position and ending with a stand up to a ‘Suria Namaskar or salutations to the sun, a Hatha Yoga series of exercises and if I am at home I would work t in front of the mirror with dumbbells and followed by my bamboo staff. Yes, I do this almost every morning as much as I could and am not just writing to impress myself or anyone else for that matter; it helps to start the day. 

I was at the hospital yesterday evening during the visiting hours and found her alone as her two children had left to find a cheap hotel and also to do their laundry and catch up with some rest. I sat with my niece and had a good chat while also feeding her the medication and later her dinner. I spent almost two hours listening and answering her questions about the mundane stories of my life but I could see that she was happy my being by her side. She broke down and cried when she mentioned about her youngest daughter and I felt for her anguish at having to go through such a painful event in her life; she is 43. She informed me that in the last four days of her being at the ward five people had passed away and two in the bed next to her; not good!

The only thing that was being done to her it seems was the drawing of her blood about six times a day until they could not find w here to draw it from after so many piercing. After prodding an attending nurse we were told that her CAT scan would be done on the 20^th. Of the month which means that she has to wait for another week before any significant thing would be carried out as far as her healing is concern. Where do I even begin to scream at the inefficiency of the manner in which the hospital is managed. Should I begin with how bad the mosquito infestation is or the inattentiveness of the staff to the needs of the patients? How about the security guards who are apt to be more rude and aggressive than their counterparts guarding the bank?

 “No you cannot go in , the doctor is with the patient now!”  

“Yeah? But I am the one who is going to care for the patient she is my wife, I should know what the doctor has to say, knowing this I can better care for her. My wife is not going to tell me if she has cancer or very ill or what is truly wrong with her.”

I cannot start and will refrain from making my comments. Suffice to say, keep a healthy life and avoid being hospitalized at all cost.

To be contd.

Visit to Kota Bharu, Kelantan.- 13-3-2018

Kota Bharu, Kelantan is an East Coast state located at the northern most part of the Malay Peninsula bordered between Thailand in the north and the state of Terengganu in the south. It lies along the sea shoreline facing the South China Sea. Kota Bharu, its state capital is a bustling town that has grown over the years but is considered one of the least developed compared to most other states in the country. It is predominantly a Malay state and Islam is most apparently practiced more so than most other states in the country. Kelantan has been governed for decades by the Pan Islamic Party or PAS and as such is an opposition party state often neglected by the Federal Government in its welfare and development. I arrived here by the Perdana Express bus from Georgetown, Penang sometime at 4am. yesterday.

I came here for the purpose of visiting my niece who has been transferred her from the Terengganu General Hospital for a specialist appointed to diagnose her ailment. She is my nephew Mohd. Rafi’s  wife  and the family owns a bakery shop in Kuala Terengganu formerly known as ‘Kedai Roti Israel’ or Israel’s Bakery. The name itself has raised more than a few eyebrows among the predominantly Muslim locals, however it was named after his father whose name was Israel. There are five children altogether in the family and the youngest a girl is about nine of ten. Two of the children are here at the hospital keeping their mother company while she undergoes a medical treatment. Their father is not able to join them as he too is not in the best of health as for twenty odd years he has been suffering from a gangrenous sore on both his legs at the ankle and now it seems to worsen making it most difficult to stay on his feet much less move about.

On top 0f trying to keep the bakery open and managing the children’s welfare at home, my nephew is like a man who has been run through the wringer by the All Mighty Himself for whatever reason. I cannot say that he is being punished for his lack of piety as he is as devoted a Muslim as they come and the good Lord should have no qualms about it. I often wondered why so much suffering being inflicted upon one so pious and my friend Fadly Mubin, at whose home I am presently residing as a guest has the answer. According to Fadly, it is out of Love that the Lord imposed suffering upon His Loved ones as a ‘test’ of will and faith. Almost all the Prophets of ‘The Book’ were made to suffer of one kind or another throughout history. On the other hand He has afforded wealth and creature comfort for those He has issues to deal with for their transgressions. I have a tough time accepting this explanation wholeheartedly, but in more than one way I have t admit it makes some sense, at least spiritually.

Fadly Mubin as I said often enough is the man who instigated me to Blogging since we met and became close friends while my family and I were living in the Gong Badak, area of Kuala Terengganu. He is a multi-talented highly educated and religious man who speaks his mind and we got along fine for many years now. Fadly graduated as a computer engineer from a school in England and he once told me how he was a member of a team of engineers who helped set up the computerized workings of the traffic lights in some parts of London. Back home in Kuala Terengganu, he helped to design the technical aspects of the Planetarium and later also was responsible for the designing of the Observatory for the local University at a place called Merang. These are among his many contributions in and around the town of Kuala Terengganu.

I enjoy Fadly’s company for his genuine concern when talking about anything under the sun and how well versed he is on many subject matter especially when it comes to religion and spirituality. He is level headed and down to earth in character like very few I have met in my life and I confide in him on matters of my most concern especially where my faith lies. He is seldom if ever judgmental about others and sticks to his guns where his thoughts and principles are concerned; he is to me one of those fully awakened. It is my privilege and blessing to have met up with my friend and I consider my mentor on life for over the years I have benefitted much from our friendship

To be Contd.

Approaching the Ultimate in Reality.

To be awaken is simply to be 'aware' of Being as Beingness is the 'real' reality as Deepak Chopra pointed out in one of his talks on You Tube. To be aware of every moment, every thought and every action in time and space of our very existence; this is ultimately what meditation is to me. We disguise this awareness in every form of action and rationalization, we pray, we meditate, we serve or be served. we interact and in our interactions express our feelings and share our dreams and aspirations, our emotions and our preferences; we create ourselves throughout our lives as we live.And when death approaches we create our afterlife as a preparation to face the unknown with better understanding; this is how we evolved to become human from just merely being and the consciousness of Being. 
From the sub atomic particles like the Higgs boson or anti matter that science has recently uncovered, to the furthest extend of the galaxies, the human mind and minds of all creatures in existence has been creating, setting in motion, manifesting and non manifesting our presence   in our environment as we see fit. Our collective consciousness is constantly working for the benefit of the whole or as in some circumstances for its demise accordingly. We are gifted the ability think and our thoughts are the building blocks of our existence whether we acknowledge it or not or whether we are aware of it or not, As individuals we create our own circumstances and we do this for the good of ourselves as well as our family and friends, our society and our nation, we serve the greater good; the whole. It is inherent in us the capacity for the understanding of the inner and outer workings of our minds and how much effect it has over the whole scenario of our existence, however we are also victims of our own ignorance of these understandings and cling on to petty thoughts and grievances, our greed, hate and delusions which acts to stump our ability to move forward more efficiently and rapidly. We see the ephemeral and the trenscient as the reality of our existence, we fail to recognize the greatness of our individual being and much more greater when shared in a collective endeavor.  
In essence we have been allotted this time of our existence on this planet and in this universe to play the divine role of creator, preserver and destroyer, ( procreator). We are not here for no good reason, we have each a role to play in the scheme of things, we are the sub atomic particles that oscillates and vibrates, that sends shockwaves upon shockwaves of energies into space to keep it moving, evolving and generating; this is our creative divine spirit,   this is what we are here for. Only our awareness of this and the capacity to express this awareness into consciousness determines how great or how small we truly are. We are indeed created in the image of our Gods and it is for us to realize what divine role we play as the in the holy trinity of, creator, preserver and destroyer and how we answer to the higher consciousness of the ultimate Being; the Lord of Creation and give Him what Name you may.   

Getting there.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! 
I am free to be who I am!
I have awakened to the reality that, I am as I is,
I am merely enjoying my stay on this plane figuring out,
I am here in this dimension playing hide and seek with myself
I am sitting on the dock of the bay, just watching the tide roll by,
 I am listening to my song,  'The First Time I saw your face," by Roberta Flack.
'The moon and stars you, were the gifts you gave, to the dark and the endless sky, my love to the dark and the endless sky.'

For years i have been Blogging like this and making it my 'practice' in self discovery or getting to know who or what I am in the scheme of things. I have arrived for now as close as i care to be at being who i am knowing too that this too will pass. What I am relating is what it feels like to achieve one's intention for being alive as close as it gets. To be productive while actually doing nothing but acting out step for step what comes before me. Taking whatever that arises in the here and now and turning it into a creative work of intuitive expression. Expressing myself as  creatively as i enter one episode, one drama, one event, after another. No plans, no preconceived ideas, no reason and no ifs and ands; simply acting accordingly as each case arises..'.eat when I am hungry, sleep when I am sleepy...sit and watch the grass grow.'
The above ancient Zen saying has been with me ever since I read it in one of Alan Watts's book and somehow it got stuck till this day. I guess my interpretation of it suits my own view about life like a lazy man's path to enlightenment. I also used to strongly believe that laziness is not an option for anyone and that to be lazy  is as good as to die before your time. As another Zen saying goes,'A day without work is a day without food.' In the old days work is related to food production rather than money or wealth. Producing just enough to subsist and trade with the left over for other essential goods. The rest of the day is spent on contemplative or meditative living. Getting in tune with nature and the universe, getting in touch with one's true being. Today man has become overly competitive in taking care of number one, we have very little time for inner reflections and we accuse others who refuse to get on board the gravy train as being lazy.  or out of touch with reality.
The miracle of being awakened is nothing to beat the drum about around the village, it is simply realizing that there are certain things in life that is real and others that are mostly illusions and there are fleeting things and more permanent things worth working oneself with. Being awakened simply makes one more aware of the priorities involve in cultivating the virtues in ourselves and how we can utilize our self discovery to aid others ease their ways. An awakened mind becomes like a doctor or a medicine man or shaman in the service of his or her community with not certificates necessary and usually one turn into a village elder where the younger ones can look up to or confide in on matters of the mind and spirit; an awakened mind keeps sanity intact for the community as a whole.
An awakened mind is a mind heading towards self purification or the cleansing of the mind body and spirit from all the accumulated bad habits and lack of self understanding, (control). It is a mind that has become more or less 'selfless' and acts in life for the benefit of others rather than 'self serving.' In servitude the mind becomes more directed towards self healing and complete attention in intention than simply acting on a whim or directionless for no purpose; life becomes purposeless. To me a life of servitude towards the well being of others is more meaningful if not powerful than a life of prayers. In prayers it seems one is more focussed in saving one's own skin from damnation in the afterlife, while in servitude one becomes the true servant to the Lord or the Higher Mind or whatever name one serves; you serve 'His' Creation. You become His vicegerent His Khalifah on this earth while in this life and as such you become less destructive and more creative in nature.
An awakened mind has a long road ahead towards becoming and enlightened mind. An enlightened mind has ceased to exist as a self or and entity; there is no more 'I'-ness. It is a mind absolutely purified and free from fallibility, no more errors, no more views of right or wrong for that matter, gone, gone, gone beyond the concept of right or wrong. Reaching for the other shore; "Always remember, your focus determines your reality." In the words of George Lucas of Star Wars movies.  

Doing nothing is a crime?

All said and done there is only to sit and enjoy what is, just being in this moment and time doing nothing and accomplishing everything. How can this be, you ask. Well go figure it out yourself or simply stop chasing after what is non-sense and start making sense in your life. When the wise ones said nothing is permanent, why do we keep hankering and clinging on to the impermanent? This makes no sense and yet many would kill or be killed over things  that one  cannot take with one to the grave. So blinded by our thirst and desire for the trinkets of this life that we neglect to  foster what is the permanent nature of our very essence as a human being. We have a insatiable appetite, enough is never enough for so long as there is more to be had and when we have we hold  on to, we cling on to even when it was of no use to us anymore. Often ungrateful for what we have we accuse others who has less or in need as not as diligent or inferior in not demanding for more like everyone else.
And so, 'work hard boy, someday you'll a job like mine!' This is how we live out our lives and we pass it on to our children and they theirs. It's a dog eat dog world out there kid,  eat or be eaten, We sow fear into the minds of our young as soon as they are capable of thinking. If you want to drive a car like this you have to earn it, you have to be the best, ahead of the pack, and you have sowed the competitive drive in your child's mind and he/she would stop at nothing to get the car of your dream. As the next generation comes along the competitiveness grows more intense as racial and national boundaries breaks down. 
Oh, what a busy life it has been and it does not get any less as we move along into the future, not to do anything would be a crime against humanity. 
"What do you do for a living?" 
"Nothing."
"Nothing?!"
"Oh, I eat when I am hungry, sleep when I am sleepy and sit and watch the grass grow."
"Arrest this man! He is good for Nothing!"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."- Edmund Burke 

Evil is the result of man trying hard to do something where nothing is needed done. Our need to do something to prove to others how intelligent or how far superior we are or simply to justify our existence is an illness we suffer without much concern for its repercussions, Ignoring this is evil.  

Does it all work?

 What is it exactly that I want out of life now that I am approaching the end of the line, what would I ask for if my wish would be granted by the 'laws of Abundance', or if I am who i claim to be, 'the master of my thoughts and consciousness', or the one who has attained to self awakening and so forth. If i am sitting before the All Mighty on my prayer mat, all i could ask for is to be forgiven for all my past sins and transgressions, large and minute, seen and unseen, knowingly or otherwise, this is all i could ask for. I have no desire for excessive wealth, never wanted a home for myself even, which may be an error by many human standards. I see no value in competing for fame either as it would only draw unwonted attention to myself and my family and so what can I as if i have wish fulfilling chance to do so? Peace and harmony? The joy of simply being who I am and being able to do as i please when it pleases me? Freedom? Free to come and go, free to say yea or nay, free to step forward or to withdraw, free not having to make any choices whatsoever...free to realize the notion of freedom itself? However I am positive that I would be asked as to who is holding me in bondage, or as the Buddha would say, it is your ignorance that you need to free yourself from.
I spent the evening yesterday at the General Hospital visiting two patients who are related to me, they were both in the Heart care Unit suffering from one kind or another of heart ailments. I was there not too long ago, last month to be exact and spent four days bed ridden contemplating my lot while gaping at the nurses. I was  asking for good health back then which became a priority on my list of wishes naturally. I had a mild stroke and could have passed it off without being admitted to the hospital, but I needed a full medical checkup as i have not had one in years. So I went to the emergency ward and had myself checked in despite the admitting nurse's refusal to do so. They did all needed to be done and i was diagnosed with high blood pressure otherwise fit as a fiddle. I was thankful and decided to watch my body intake and activity with regard to my physical handicap. 
Now that i look back at it, I must say that having a good healthy mind and body would be on top of my list of what i would want, if there is a genea or ultimate supreme entity that can grant what i ask  of. I must say that I have been blessed thus far despite episodes of physical ailments now and then in the course of my life history. Needless to say that having a continuous good health, body mind and even spirit, is paramount on my wish list. Off course there's not much anyone can give or do about it other than myself as I am the master of body, mind and spirit or so i am made to believe by most of what i have learned. What about those that i have not learned or yet to discover? Oh well, wishful thinking? This is basically how the mind jumps about like a monkey not wanting to be pinned down nor having any sense of direction or goal. One just have to keep an eye on it constantly  so as not to loose sight of one's intentions. 
All the entries i have been making on Yoga, Zen meditation, Vipassana practices, praying five times a day, listening to the wise ones like Sadguru, Mooji Baba, Alan Watts, J.Krishnamurti, Deepak Chopra and a host of others cis so you can  have better excess to what i am sharing with whoever is interested in looking deeper into self healing or self discovery. I do not quote them or introduce the ancient teachings in order to show how much I know or how well versed i am, but just to help  my reader get better more concrete teachings. There are numerous others who can light your path if you look into it and here is where the Power of the Law of Attraction works best and that is through your intuition in making your intention heard and making the right choice in fulfilling it. 

"Ten thousand things,
all in this breath,
Grasping hold of emptiness,
there's really nothing to say."
                                             A Chinese hermit.

Reflections on Raja Yoga.

"I am a being far greater and grander than I have yet conceived.
I am unfolding gradually but surely into higher planes of consciousness.
I am moving forward and upward constantly. 
My goals is the realization of the true self and I welcome each stage of unfoldment that leads me towards my aim. 
I am a manifestation of reality - I AM!"...
I am the Master of my Soul."
Raja Yoga.-mantram or assertions.

As I was browsing You Tube on the subject of Raja Yoga I stumble upon a audio book on the subject entitled, A series of lessons in Raja Yoga, The Mastery of the Self by Yogi Ramacharaka. I listened to the whole book as closely as i could for the past two days as it was a long discourse.It is as the book explained the fact that one attracts to oneself informations pertinent to one's topic of study and this happens to be one such calling. It is useless to mention more of the matter unless anyone interested in this matter like i have been over the years were to listen to the same audio book. In short my thoughts were answered and further instructed towards a deeper understanding of where i have been and perhaps where I am headed. It is an awakening experience having been pointed out the road signs and the Dharma gates that lay ahead.
Does it matter where or what form of revelations that comes your way in the course of your pursuit of knowledge and the truth so long if the information reveals the very essence of what one is seeking for, answering questions and pointing out all possibilities towards one's intended goal? If it had been the text on the Tao Te Ching that I had stumbles upon then it would have been the teachings of the Ancient Chinese that I would be quoting instead of the Raja Yoga. The point is I found some answers through my desire to learn more of where I am at in the course of my quest for the truth of who I am. 
Who Am I? Am I the ' field  of infinite possibilities' as Deepak Chopra likes to quote in just about every talk he presents or am I the ultimate consciousness where all things begins and ends with like the Divine Cosmic consciousness, the goal of all the Rishis and Yogis past, present and future. For one who is enduring a multiple tooth ache  and while trying enjoy a tuna sandwich and making this Blog entry on a Lap Top  that skips the lettering back and forth to add to the ultimate frustration in writing, the implication is a cosmic joke.  In short how can the 'I' claim to be such a high and mighty whatever if it cannot even stop a tooth decay? The laws of abundance, of attraction, of whatever have you maybe works for some, but it seems to me it is no better that praying as much as you can. Perhaps I am sliding backwards, regressing into submission towards another bout of doom and gloom or even despair, well I must admit, it seems like i have wasted my time over nothing all these years...or so it seems and I surely hope that this feeling to will pass.   
Well, the fever came and lasted the whole day and night, toothache and all and the body was totally beaten and so what do i do? I sat! I sat and watched every nerve and every ache and pain the body was subjected to. Here was something I could not share with anyone else but just my own being. Here was the opportunity to just watch and understand what pain and healing was all about. I endured my discomforts with more or less, joy. I was able to step back away from my physical and mental form and just watched. I watched my mind and body going through the rise and fall of my feverish state and how the body simply gave up eventually and slid into sleep; it was a small realization of how I can affect my mental and physical state had i been aware of what was going on. Yes i am indeed the master of my body, speech and mind and i just have to keep making greater effort at this realization and turn it into a reality.

Raja Yoga - The Yoga of the Mind.

What is human consciousness? It is the six million dollar question floating around the scientific as well as the theological and philosophical circles. We are all conscious and consciousness is inherent in all of sentient beings but it is our human nature to dig deeper and be able to place this elusive 'entity' into a box and label it as such, this is consciousness or what we have come to a conclusive decision for it to be. End of story; this the scientific conclusion of the century; science has been able to pigeonhole consciousness itself. Off course somewhere else a Zen monk simply answered the question with a question, typical of the Zen tradition. "Who is asking the question?"
I am still struggling with the question of what is 'Mind  and throughout my self observation years I have been trying to unravel the mystery of this that governs my life's every move often wondering if it were me or who I truly am. Then the same Zen like question pops itself up out of nowhere, who is making this observation or who is the witness to this event, this episode. And so it goes like a snake eating at its tail or a dog running in circle chasing its own tail. Today I listen to great minds both in the East and West, scientists or otherwise throwing their weights over who can come closest to explain what consciousness truly is or even what the mind is for that matter. Science trying its damndest to make it as tangible as a mathematical equation while the mystiques and spiritual masters trying to place it as close to divinity as possible. If man is created in God's image, then the nature of man's consciousness must be close to his Maker's.
I had a Yoga text book with me when i was travelling to Alaska from Green Bay, Wisconsin 1982, my travelling companion. It was one of two books i had with me, the other being, "The death of Gurdjieff at the foothills of Georgia." The Yoga text was on 'Raja Yoga' or Yoga of the Mind, by Patanjali.

Who is Patanjali?

Yoga tradition. In the Yoga tradition, Patañjali is a revered name. This Patañjali's oeuvre comprises the sutras about Yoga (Yogasūtra) and the commentary integral to the sutras, called the Bhāṣya. ... According to Phillipp Maas, the same person named Patanjali composed the sutras and the Bhāṣya commentary

"Although in western culture yoga is mainly regarded as a form of exercise, many forms of yoga are purely mental or spiritual practices. Raja Yoga encompasses both body and mind, but the emphasis is on mental and spiritual development. Its purpose, according to its progenitor, the Indian sage Patanjali, is to unite the practitioner with the higher self. Among their own ranks, practitioners of Raja Yoga regard themselves as "heroes of mind training."

"Yama and Niyama, the first two limbs, are like the 10 commandments of Raja Yoga. Yama means control while Niyama means non-control -- or otherwise put, they're the do's and don'ts. Yama directs you to refrain from violence, lying, stealing, sexual misbehavior and greed. Niyama encourages cleanliness, contentment, austerity, self-examination and devotion to the Supreme Lord, which can be understood as the quest for higher consciousness."
Martin Booe -What is Raja Yoga.

The first lesson of Raja Yoga is the recognition of the "I' as the center of all inner and outer worlds or existence...thus I is the ultimate consciousness of Being. I am neither the physical body nor the fleeting mind, recognizing that these are merely tools and instruments for one's existence. I realize that i have been practicing this Yoga for a greater part of my life without realizing it until I found the book that accompanied me to Alaska...The text on Raja Yoga.  

Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

When i think about happiness the educational children's program, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, comes to mind. Most Americans and perhaps Canadians will remember of this growing up or raising their children watching this program. In Mr. Roger's neighborhood happiness happens naturally and all it took was loving kindness towards all and respect and trust for one and another. It did not cost much and demanded very  little in terms of mental and spiritual understanding. Humanity can learn a great deal from Mr. Rogers and his neighborhood,  the simple rules that governs coexistence based upon trust and respect, tolerance and giving. Man today has become overly complex in nature that he cannot tell the difference anymore between right and wrong or between living and surviving. 

"We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say, 'It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.' Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes." Fred Rogers.

Spoken in 1994, quoted in his obituary in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

Mr. Rogers or Fred was  a Guru to my three children who grew up in the United States as he was mine;Fred helped to become a more centered and caring father than I would have been. In his down to earth and heart warming humility, I was moved to accept my responsibility as a father and a husband to my wife and a close friend to my neighbors while I was living on 2nd. Avenue, in the Richmond District of San Francisco, which was 2 blocks from the Golden Gate Park. Fred's gentleness and almost child like manners became embossed into my psyche with the impression that it was okay to be who you are. I was pretty much a babysitter taking care of my children while my wife worked. It was not easy for me to become a homemaker; my ego was  simply not accepting such a role without repercussions. Watching my children watching Mr. Rogers's Neighborhood indirectly affected my in more positive ways than i care to admit.

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother's words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers--so many caring people in this world."

From The World According to Mister Rogers (Kindle Locations 645-647).

I'd looked and found many 'helpers' in and around the neighborhood to help me in raising my one and two year olds

while their mom worked and i found many. The neighborhood playground at Rossy Park or Balboa and Guerrero was where we would meet and our children would play. What would have turned out to be a disaster for my family, became fun and game as we held numerous birthday parties and treat each other to inexpensive Christmas gifts between neighbors. Ours was a support group that had helped many struggling families stay together through the tough economic times.

"Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it."

From The World According to Mister Rogers (Kindle Locations 111-114)han 

On behalf of my family and neighborhood friends, Thank you, Mr. Rogers.  

"As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has--or ever will have--something inside that is unique to all time. It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression."

Fred Rogers.

Wot me worry!

If you have doubts about your own personal happiness, what hope can you have for the happiness of those around you? To be truly a servant of the universe, to serve humanity, I have to be  truly at peace and happy within me with not an ounce of doubt that i am who I am. Not a personality nor an entity, not a seperate being nor an individual floating in this realm of existent. I am the very universe that I am manifesting in. Tall words, you say, why not? i am humanity, i am the very breath of this time and space that you are sharing a part of. It is my mind you are reading and my heart that is sharing and soul that is professing; I am I said, i am I cried, this is who I am. I am that which was before and that which will be after and you know me through my lowering of my veils for you to see me through your own veils of knowledge and ignorance.
If I can strip myself of all that I have accumulated throughout my life, making belief that this is who I am, i would, but it would not benefit none other than me; life is more than this. Life is more than   filling up empty spaces and breathing up fresh air, life is full of  possibilities and it is for me and  you to unravel the mysteries it has  to offer. Become alive,become a participant in live but not be trapped into it through attachment, remember ; wu wei - detached involvement. No doer and nothing is actually done. No identification with nor attachment to your actions; become a selfless entity of pure being; just  be. Right,you are, all tall orders and empty talks, pipe dreams and  empty ramblings; this is what the mind prefers of you; why the hassle?  I made a vow and i intend to see it through the best i can. I intend to awaken as many a sleepy mind as I can while I am untangling my own. Yes, I realize it sounds like a broken record, but I cannot say it enough; Wake Up! Stay Awake!
More than ever we are in an epoch of tremendous change at a speed of which it has never been experienced before in human history and the result is what we see today, a world spinning ouyt of wack. Oh it is not all that bad, you say, off course not, if you are not shot at while in school or the buildings around are bombed to shreds, or they strip search you to the teeth everytime you are in an airport or you are finding it harder and harder to keep a balance in your cheque book. Nah, for you and me life is still as it should be, no need for hassles and doomsday rattlings, why don't we just keep on existing as we are and perhaps all the negativity around us will soo fade away, just like the chnaging of channels on the boob tube. We are in an age where more than thre quarter of humanity is fast asleep or living in abject denial,living with heads buried in the sand. We are most of us living in waiting, as though waiting for a slap in the face or a kick in the butt, before we will wake up to reality; shit seems to fly all over other people's yard, not mine, so what me worry. 










  

What is Shikantaza?

If I tell you to sit and meditate, what do you do?
In a recent question the person asked what to do when losing focus in shikantaza: return to the breath, return to body awareness or otherwise?
If you were doing 'sit and meditate' these would be valid answers.
However, shikantaza is not 'sit and meditate'. It's Just, only, exactly, precisely sitting.
The moment you return to the breath you are not doing 'only sitting'.
The same applies to 'return to awareness of the body', this is also not 'only sitting'. The moment you are thinking about sitting you are not doing Just, only, exactly, precisely sitting. Even when you sit without any point of focus but sitting and have the notion 'I'm doing 'sitting and nothing else' you are off.

To know the difference you'd have to experiment. What does it mean to sit and meditate? You probably know this. 
But what does it mean to do Just, only, exactly, precisely sitting?
You'd have to work to understand just that. And it's not an easy task.
Quora - Internet.- The difference between 'just sitting' and meditation.

What the subconscious has in store.

 If and when it decides to happen it will begin in Hawaii with the catastrophic eruptions of volcanoes and the sinking of an island or two in the process. This followed by a massive quake along the Western Seaboard of the United States and along the Peruvian and Chilean coast and is followed by massive tsunamis. Ha! This was in my mind as I was waking up this morning and I sat contemplating on this for a while making up my mind to write it down in my Blog entry or not. With the awakening of the ruptures in Hawaii a chain of volcanic activities will follow all the way through Japan and the Pacific NorthWest along the 'Ring of Fire'. I cannot remember how  I got into this line of discussion or who with in my sleep, but I woke up with this whole scenario of the end of this beautiful Planet as we know it. All I could think of after sitting on it for a while is that I am glad it came to an end not because of some dickheads pushing the panic button.
It may sound strange but I have had many such 'visions' throughout my life and a few even materialized into reality which had scared me somewhat, but I brushed such occurrences off as pure imagination or fantasy; I had always kept to myself things that I know will make others feel uncomfortable if I start sharing my thoughts like this i would end up being a laughing stock or feared as a freak. Mostly i attribute it all to too much You Tube or movies, too much 'sitting' or vivid imaginations. Whatever it may be, I am sharing this now so as to get it out of the way of my consciousness and not keep having to deal with such episode as they arise time and again when I least expect it. 
So, what is the point in sharing this? This is how my mind is, this is how it operates among other myriads of modus operandi it has and this is what i have to be conscious and content with if i am a true seeker of truth, (for lack of better thing to call it by). The human mind is and enigma that is the most elusive and can be the most damaging companion a man can have throughout his life and not be aware of it. In its egoic form, the mind can even surpass God or the Buddhas, it is the most feared and worshipped by those who are blind to its wiles. In Islam it is called the Nafs,

Nafs (نَفْس) is an Arabic word (cognate of the Hebrew word nefesh נפש) occurring in the Qur'an and means self, psyche ego or soul. In the Quran, the word is used in both the individualistic (e.g. verse 2:48) and collective sense (verse 4:1), indicating that although humanity is united in possessing the qualities of a "soul/nafs/consciousness" they are individually responsible for exercising the agencies of their "free will" that it provides them.

 It is in getting to understand the workings of this entity that calls itself 'I' that I have been running around in circles trying to pinpoint every facet of its workings and infinite possibilities. Without understanding the human mind and its inner and outer engineering, there is no science or religion, and there is no empires or civilizations; man does not exist as man. What the mind contains in itself is the universe itself and every individual mind is like a hologram containing itself within itself ; it is a matter of consciousness if one is or is not aware of this fact. An awakened mind sees beyond duality, all is one within one is all. 

Finding the Balancing Act

Finding a good balance in all that you do, all the you perceive, all that you imagine or hope for, is a good virtue to practice. To know when to say enough is enough, is also another virtue worth developing in oneself. The Chinese cosmic symbol of Yin and Yang is the most illustrative of symbols when it comes to 'Balance'. in Nature and the  Human Nature. Somewhere in between light and dark is the comfortable point at which all things comes to rest in neither light nor darkness; the silence space in between two thoughts. Here happens the merging of all in unity.and being in this state of mindfulness is to stay awaken to the 'Whole' all around and within you. This is when the Chi, Hara, Pranna or energy in you to flow fluidly with every breath, in and out, perfectly balanced with no effort but just pure awareness of  every sensation in the body and mental state. In all this, the observer sits and watch allowing for it to just happen...this is meditation in action.
The music is great when listened with well balanced amount of loudness and silence, high and low pitch and so forth; this what makes good sound of music, music that raises your spirit and soul to the peak of awareness and consciousness, a state of simply 'beingness'. One can only arrive at this state of equanimity and tranquility through effortlessness or effortlessly; by non doing, in other words through 'bare attention'. The sunset was mesmerising until my mind wished that it had a camera. Being in a state of perfect balance is like sitting in the canoe that is running down the rapids with jagged rocks and steep falls; keeping the balance is paramount to your survival; you don't think twice. We trip ourselves from too much thinking and attachments and distractions; we are thrown off balance by our hesitation in actions we take. Many lives were lost in duels whether between Samurai warriors or Western Gunslingers, simply due to a slight hesitation or doubt happens while in action. Being spontaneous is happens when there is a silence in the mind, the absence of any thought consciously or otherwise and acting out spontaneously will never know defeat.
While all has come to perfect balance the sense of self drops, there is no more out there or in here, there is only being here. Even the observer is dropped; no body,no mind, and no perception of body and mind. Meditation is one of the surest means of getting to this state of consciousness but it is not the only means.

Which I Am is present?

As the Buddha is said to have said, life indeed is suffering, and those who think otherwise are either deceiving themselves, or too far asleep to notice the difference, or are living in self-denial. Many would disagree with the Buddha's take of life as suffering perhaps simply because of the fact that their life had been pretty much okay except for the facts that cannot be helped like getting sick, growing old and dying or losing a loved one or getting s divorce or owing money to a loan shark, other than these few hiccups, life seems okay. The question is, why do we suffer at all, the mental and emotional anguish, the spiritual torment, and worst of all, the physical aches and pains? Why do we suffer collectively, wars and famine, natural and man-made disasters, and why do we have to become victims of every act of terror and economic exploitation?
The answer I believe, is that human beings a inherently masochistic by nature. We love our suffering, we love being subject to pain and humiliation, often without being aware of it that we suffer this delusion. We create all sorts of excuses and justifications to prove otherwise, that we are absolutely normal contrary to the Buddha's observation that we are living in a realm of Maya or delusion. If indeed the Buddha is right, then, how the hell do we get out of this bondage, how do we wake up from this nightmare we call life?  The answer of course quite simple: awake and stay awake. Become fully conscious within and without, and become absolutely at one with the whole; as within so without.
Dwelling over the fact that is suffering itself is one of the worst kinds of suffering in itself. however, as my friend Dr Peter O'Yimbo used to say, there is suffering without bitterness; it is more noble. Most of us suffer in silence, while others suffer with courage and dignity, and some suffer with rage and anger. Worthy is he who suffers with patience and perseverance. The question still remains: how to end suffering. The Buddha, in his infinite Wisdom, spelled out the formula and antidote to our predicament some two thousand five hundred years ago. Today mankind has turned His revelation into a religion but not as a practice or a way of life. Huge Buddha statues and stupas are erected all over the land but the practice of the precepts is buried deep in the ground of consciousness beneath these monuments. Those who take up the Buddha's teachings today are a drop in the bucket compared to the size of humanity itself. 
The Buddha declared that 'suffering is, but none who suffers. The Buddha's Way is but none who practice it and Nirvana is but none who attain it.' For so long as the I is there is suffering, Suffering seizes when the I is no more. "I am no more." Hence, who or what is 'I'? Who Am I? 

Self-enquiry, also spelled self-inquiry (Sanskrit vichara, also called jnana-vichara^[1] or ātma-vichār), is the constant attention to the inner awareness of "I" or "I am" recommended by Ramana Maharshi as the most efficient and direct way of discovering the unreality of the "I"-thought.

Ramana taught that the "I"-thought will disappear and only "I-I"^{[web 1]} or self-awareness remains. This results in an "effortless awareness of being",^[2] and by staying with it^{[web 2]} this "I-I" gradually destroys the vasanas "which cause the 'I'-thought to rise,"^[2] and finally the 'I'-thought never rises again, which is Self-realization or liberation.^[2]

Wikipedia.

Just getting ready to face the One.

All that has been taught by the great teachers and masters. of saints and savants, all that the philosophers and truth seeker has  discovered and shared through books and videos, TED talks and Satsangs. they all means nothing at this moment. J.Krishnamurti is laughing in his grave while Alan Watts is playing his shakuhachi to a bunch of Japanese tourists on his Houseboat in Sausalito, while Ram dass is repeating his days spent at the feet of his Guru in India. Deepak Chopra and Michio Kaku or whatever his name is are very busy preparing the future generations towards the ultimate consciousness and the prospect of living among extraterrestrials in the days to come. The conspiracy theorists have spun all manner   of yarns over hidden agendas as to who is really running the show for all of us while the environmentalists are running out of options as to what is to become of the glacial meltdown due to climate change.
Sometimes it is just best to just sit back and watch an erotic Japanese video of a housewife trying to seduce her daughter's lover by exposing her charms while cleaning the bathtub. Sad indeed how the mind can and will coerce you towards debasing yourself when all else fails. All the knowledge and understanding you have acquired throughout your life means diddly when it comes to facing a mind bent upon lust even when you are approaching seventy! The truth is painful but it has to be told if not exposed if one is to do a thorough house cleaning of the mental formations. For those who has no sexual drives or handicaps whatsoever, they are indeed blessed, but for one whose life has been one long sexual drive, it is a curse for to turn it off can be a nightmare. So, sometimes i give in and tell myself to just sit back and have fun, musterbation and ejeculation are part and parcel of being human, you can torture yourself with guilt or you can just take a good cleansing shower before you pray. 
Like my Palestinian friend Hakim Dawah used to say at his frame shop in the Mission District of San Francisco, on Valencia street to be exact, "Allah is forgiving, He don't really pay too much attention to these minor offences like having an orgasm." However try not to make it a habit where it becomes a cause for concern towards your well being. Like all good things try  to for a good balance, walk the middle way and no extreme,the  or excessiveness. Let the mind has its way every now and then, or it can become a pain in the butt if all its desires are being slammed shut Off course if one is well versed into the workings of the mind then the matter of sexual promiscuity,lustful desires and so forth are not much of an issue especially if one is a sadhu or a yogi, but I am not any of theses. I was, perhaps still is a sexual maniac and had created many untold problems both  for myself as well as others, most of which is best laid to rest and not to be revealed here,
I have lived life as i often admit to myself to the fullest, like no holds barred especially when it comes to sex. I am not bragging nor am I proud of having given myself into lustful desires and warped imaginations when it comes to sex, but I am trying to reach a point in my life where i can look at it all with a more accepting feeling than a guilt ridden regrets. To a great extent I have come close towards this acceptance of who I am and what i am capable of in my life. With this acceptance I feel much lighter and is able to let go of self mortification over my past actions. Yes, I believe my Lord is oft forgiving and most Merciful, however i also feel I need to do my own house cleaning before i stand before the One and have the One to one talk about life.
Before dropping off or letting go I must know what it is that I am letting go and understand as to why or how of it. Off course I do not have to do in essence any such thing at all as I am in essence non-existent, I really do not exist as this body or mind. However, true to my practice i am taking it upon myself to share myself and my understanding for the sake of others  with similar path in life; thus fulfilling my Bodhisatva vows.

   


       






   

Same old same old.

There were days when I am sure that being alive is one long cosmic joke that the good lord has laid out for me and if so so has he for everyone else that exist in my space  and time today. I often feel this way when I have exhausted my mind with all kinds of stuff that I have fed it through exposing it to the garbage on the internet and by reading and writing or by simply sitting and daydreaming. These are among the options one has to keep the mind occupied, but off course there are other more radical preoccupations such as drinking or getting high or joining a monastery up in the mountains somewhere, but these are becoming harder to entertain as an option considering my present status. 
I promised myself to stick around and keep an eye on my daughter while she is still in need of my company if not my presence. She is still not fully established with he affairs in life and it perhaps gives her an incentive to feel good about taking care of her father, which she is in more than one way. My three boys are as good as out sight and out of mind where their father is concerned, my karma perhaps as was between me and my father. But i guess that is what normally happens between fathers and sons as they grow older. My boys were never really mine, they belonged to the mothers that bore them and cared for them. I am the expendable father who failed to be around when needed; such is! However it is rather interesting how each one of them came up with how to deal with their own father issues; filial piety is not an issue here. It was never mine, how could it be theirs; karma sucks!
Why am I rambling on over such personal matters which are of no consequence to anyone really? Well, it is part and parcel of my psychic showcase, it is an effort to make sense out of non-sense as how my mind view things. Before I breath my final breath i would like to at the very least have a thorough understanding of what all these so called mental formations are all about, if it is really true that I am what I think. How potent are my thoughts? Can i affect the lives of others by my thoughts or can they affect me by theirs and how do I avoid getting sucked into this 'mind games?' Is it too late to ask at my age? I started to ask about the 'thinker' in me a very long time ago and am still on the track to find out. Who am I? What am I capable of or why  am i the way I am. I am not this body nor am I this mind, I fully realize and have accepted this years ago but am still not fully convinced of who I truly am. Am I this? All there is to it? Is this all there is to it, feeling like a washed out artist and a wannabe writer, a man without a home, estranged from his family and friends? 
I often ask my friends as i have asked myself, what have you to show that you can be absolutely proud of, of who you are. That you have lived your life well and fruitfully benefitting yourself and others? What significant contribution have you made to your fellow man or your society that can be considered to be worthy of being bragged about. If you cannot find any then you have merely occupied space and time in this life and nothing more. The air you breath, the water you drink and the fruits of the earth and the flames that had kept you warm are wasted elements spent on you. How can you wake up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror and think of yourself such a superior being in the animal kingdom, top of the food chain, yada! yada! How could you have such superiority complex about your status in the world when you do not have any idea of who you truly are?

Looking to the past to heal the present.

I had a long pleasant chat with my long time buddy Jerry Sule, the plumber of Green Bay, Wisconsin and back a whole lot of fond memories especially our long trip together to the South West states of the States. Jerry is the youngest of the Sule Brothers, in whose home I used to hang out when I was a student at the University of Wisconsin in Green Bay. Although very much my junior in age he was one of my closest friend I had back then, he was close to me like a younger brother. We hung out in the basement of his house where I was a squatter being homeless after my divorce from my first wife. Sometimes there were four of us including Jerry's brothers John and Joe who also attended UWGB. The boys were all very smart and active students indoors and outdoors. I became a part of the Sule family for a number of years.
I wrote about this time of my life in more detail in the past so i will not dwell on it any further other than to say that Jerry and the whole Sule family will always be in my memory. My life of eight years in Wisconsin  was in many ways a time of pain and pleasure, it helped to shape me for who I am today. I was divorced and had to give up my son in green Bay and I graduated from the University in the same great city. it was here too that i made the decision to embark upon my journey of self healing and self discovery after years of living adrift from one relationship to another and homeless most of the time. I survived the cold winters and the drinking habit and I left the City for good when it was time to burning the bridge behind me. However i will always hold fond memories of having lived among the people who took me into their lives and kept me warm when it was freezing out.
One of the paradox of this inner journey of self discovery is the fact that one has to look back into the past in the effort to let go of the past. I realize that for the mind to make a clean drop of all past baggage I have to look back and understand what had transpired and come to a reconciliation with myself before i can forgive and forget and I have been doing this throughout my writing. Today, my past has since slid into oblivion and I feel allot lighter in being, I feel like i have shed to old and the past and am able to move on without too much clinging to the past experiences which often held me in bondage in the form of guilt and regrets. It is no doubt that mind has the tendency to cling on to the deficiencies, the weaknesses the errors and failures of the past rather than the opposite and this often culminates into the causes for low self esteem and depression.
I am pretty much at peace in my life these days but am still looking back every now and then when thoughts of my past arises. In this state of peacefulness I look back with better clarity and am better at resolving my past issues.I am feeling better about who I am even if it is so late in my life, but it is happening. I am better at handling my anger factor and have less doubts and misconception about my true nature, knowing that I am no better or worse than the next man. Yes, I am beginning to love life for what it is and demand less and expecting nothing other than doing my share as a human being 
in making a better world for all around me. I can now face my Lord with a better and clearer conscience and less troubled by the guilts of my past. It is said that an indication that one is forgiven of a sin is when the sin is buried for good. no memory of it is left.   

When looking, finding begins.

I have the feeling God wants me to live as I am, a cigarette smoker, and a pot smoker if and when available, an occasional beer drinker, and a wanna be spiritually awakened individual with a long history of womanizing. Another confession after fajr or dawn prayer? Perhaps, From my 12th. floor apartment window the sky is lined with an orange glow over the city of Georgetown, Penang. I am listening to Anoushka Shankar on her sitar accompanied by the tabla at to make as I as I sit to male this Blog entry that has 50 followers worldwide and 516796 views to date, a Blog that got started sometime in 2005 while living in Kuala Terengganu, on the East Coast of the peninsula Malaysia. I am a father to four beautiful children, 3 boys and the youngest, my  daughter, is asleep in her room and would wake up sometime later just before noon as she a night person.
This on going journal is a continuation of my sketchbook journal which I had started sometime in 1978 when I visited England on a college trip form the University of Wisconsin in the United States. Incidentally, have you listened to Tina Turner sing Sarvesham Svastir Bhavatu ( Peace Mantra) on You Tube? Check it out. Back to my Blog after a short break to play with my cat that my daughter nImed 'Furby' and which I decided to call 'Firball', I do this as she demands the attention by scratching and biting my leg to play. Yes, I am now keeping my self busy with the simple things in life while I can. I meditate and do my Yoga stretching almost every day which I feel is beginning to show some positive result with my physical and mental state.Call it discipline or what you may, but I making my point in practice that making a consistent effort in any pursuit will bear fruit in the long run; I call it my spiritual practice. A combo of a little of this and a little of that to help me see through the day with a little positivity. 
I feel that God in whatever name you call Him is everyone's friend. He is in everyone's heart if you choose to look for Him there and to do so you have to empty your mind and reach your heart. The essence of your being is divine and let no one tell you otherwise, you are who or what you perceive yourself to be; perceive the highest of manifestation and why not. I am the Buddha Nature, I am the Christ Spirit and I am the Atma Brahman, I am the servant of my Lord; Allahu Akbar! It only means that i find my refuge in Islam as you find yours in your own Divinity.

"It basically means that in our deepest selves, we are divine. All living things are divine in their deepest selves. Now, that divine self may be hidden or covered over by hatred, envy, fear or other negative things. But, it is there nonetheless and it is our "true" and "eternal" selves." 
World Religions - Proffessor.com.