Same old same old.

There were days when I am sure that being alive is one long cosmic joke that the good lord has laid out for me and if so so has he for everyone else that exist in my space  and time today. I often feel this way when I have exhausted my mind with all kinds of stuff that I have fed it through exposing it to the garbage on the internet and by reading and writing or by simply sitting and daydreaming. These are among the options one has to keep the mind occupied, but off course there are other more radical preoccupations such as drinking or getting high or joining a monastery up in the mountains somewhere, but these are becoming harder to entertain as an option considering my present status. 
I promised myself to stick around and keep an eye on my daughter while she is still in need of my company if not my presence. She is still not fully established with he affairs in life and it perhaps gives her an incentive to feel good about taking care of her father, which she is in more than one way. My three boys are as good as out sight and out of mind where their father is concerned, my karma perhaps as was between me and my father. But i guess that is what normally happens between fathers and sons as they grow older. My boys were never really mine, they belonged to the mothers that bore them and cared for them. I am the expendable father who failed to be around when needed; such is! However it is rather interesting how each one of them came up with how to deal with their own father issues; filial piety is not an issue here. It was never mine, how could it be theirs; karma sucks!
Why am I rambling on over such personal matters which are of no consequence to anyone really? Well, it is part and parcel of my psychic showcase, it is an effort to make sense out of non-sense as how my mind view things. Before I breath my final breath i would like to at the very least have a thorough understanding of what all these so called mental formations are all about, if it is really true that I am what I think. How potent are my thoughts? Can i affect the lives of others by my thoughts or can they affect me by theirs and how do I avoid getting sucked into this 'mind games?' Is it too late to ask at my age? I started to ask about the 'thinker' in me a very long time ago and am still on the track to find out. Who am I? What am I capable of or why  am i the way I am. I am not this body nor am I this mind, I fully realize and have accepted this years ago but am still not fully convinced of who I truly am. Am I this? All there is to it? Is this all there is to it, feeling like a washed out artist and a wannabe writer, a man without a home, estranged from his family and friends? 
I often ask my friends as i have asked myself, what have you to show that you can be absolutely proud of, of who you are. That you have lived your life well and fruitfully benefitting yourself and others? What significant contribution have you made to your fellow man or your society that can be considered to be worthy of being bragged about. If you cannot find any then you have merely occupied space and time in this life and nothing more. The air you breath, the water you drink and the fruits of the earth and the flames that had kept you warm are wasted elements spent on you. How can you wake up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror and think of yourself such a superior being in the animal kingdom, top of the food chain, yada! yada! How could you have such superiority complex about your status in the world when you do not have any idea of who you truly are?