We were born out of the same womb with half an hour in between = my Twin Brother and I

 

The Monsoon officially begins as the sea behind my twin brother's house starts to roar its familiar monsoon roar that reminds one of the train running by with not end in sight. The pounding of waves upon the sandy beach and the wind blasting through the palm trees loaded with rain, yes the monsoon is officially here and this is only the beginning. I spent my teenage years in Kuala Trengganu and my family home was located within sight of the South China Sea which was across the main road and the far end of the Istana Badariah golf course, {the palace} in Batu Buruk. Hence i had a good experience of what a real monsoon weather was like and how the lives of the people were affected. If there was any fishing to be done it was for fresh water fish found in and along the water way the feeds the rice fields and usually the fields too would be inundated from the incessant rain that sometimes last for a week non stop. Most babies were made during the monsoon season as the men were forced to stay home and the women had very little to do just as the winter months in the snow countries. 

                                             My nephew and his 'autistic' daughter

Putting up at my twin brother's home is and never was a comfortable option for me even though by any standard it is a luxurious home, with all the comforts of home and then some. It is still a mystery and

 a question mark as to why i keep imposing upon him to stay at his house even though i have other options and invitations to do so elsewhere. This is an entry that i have been avoiding in making as it one of the most sensitive subject in my life; the subject of the Twins. 

I always have accepted the fact that I am my brother's mirror image and not only in appearance and manners but also in how we think and act with others and ourselves. Despite our similarities we are also the complete opposite of one another. Being raised separately during our childhood years between 1 - 12 years of age as I was given up for adoption at birth to my uncle and he was raised by my parents it did not help in promoting a healthy relationship between us least to say. At the age of 12 i was repossessed by my parents for religious reasons mainly due to the fact that for 12 years my uncle had raised me as a Buddhist while my brother and the rest of my family were reverted Muslims. Even at a very early age I had realized that i was a cause of inconvenience and discomfort for others especially my immediately family. Returning to the family fold and growing up as a teenager alongside my twin brother was a challenge if not a pain for both of us. Teen rivalry and animosity towards one another was the norm between us and we grew up avoiding each other as much as possible. 

We attended the same High School or Secondary School as it is called here and our eldest brother was the disciplinary teacher at the school and hence school was again hell for me, I cannot speak for my brother, but for me, I had to scratch tooth and nails to keep my sanity intact till the day i walked out of school as well as my life in Terenggnau.  

Try as I might to find out if i hated anyone or blame someone for my misgivings growing up, I could not and still cannot find the person in my family, I love my family brothers and sisters. I may have frictions for the moment in time and place but never a lasting animosity towards anyone and I am or have become a very thorough analytical person in seeking the answers to my narrative about my life. Faults I have and very many no doubt and some have caused unpreparable damage in my relationship with others and my family was never spared my ignorance and arrogance, my stubbornness and my anger most of all. I grew up most of my life angry at the world while being angry at myself and unfortunately my twin brother felt this the most. 

I am very happy and proud that he has turned out to be successful in life and made a fortune if not a name for himself and that he has a a great family although not without the one kink or another that gives his life a challenge and he is a very pious and religious man where God is concern, just the opposite of who I am. Where faith and religion is concern I draw the line and stand my own position with God. No man will tell me who or what to believe and my faith is my concern, that is my personal covenant with my Maker. I have claimed to be more spiritual that religious, whatever that may stand for, but the Divine resides deep in my heart call it what you may and I do not feel the need to justify anymore to anyone especially to religious zealots and extremists whoever or wherever they may be. And this is where my twin and I part company admittedly or not, right or wrong, it is not for me to judge as I am the accused, the 'infidel. I am not financially wealthy by a long shot and lives a life dependent on others like a beggar which I am not too proud of but nor do I despise; it is just who I am. I doubt if i would like myself being very rich when I look at the mirror of myself.   

It seems like it will always be a depressing place for me to visit and a depression for my mind to wrap around with when it comes to my twin and I. Perhaps I  have tried too hard or expect too much out of my efforts to reconcile and perhaps my motive is being misconstrued as ass kissing a rich brother; WallahuAllam! only God knows! But the one lesson I have been reminded of as a Muslim whenever I was in Terengganu is that I have to visit my brothers and sisters as this is mandatory in Islam, to keep the blood tie between siblings and relatives intact no matter. Yes there were times when I had decided to avoid visiting my twin brother when I was in the East Coast but my two sisters would not let me off the hook reminding me that he is my twin and it is my duty as the younger to pay him a visit. 

                                                      

                                              My sister-in- law finds finds solace through work.

If by chance my twin or his wife has the impression that my staying with them was because of the wealth and comfort of their home, let this post bear witness that it is far from the truth. I would genuinely rather stayed at my nephew's bakery or my close friend Mohd.Rafi's place even if it was haunted, {I felt} and most uncomfortable. I don't have to justify more than what I have over the matter. If i have any word of advice for him it is this, my brother has to drop his personality as a 'Director'. he is no more in the position and has to come down a few notches. He stinks of self righteousness when addressing others in his daily life;  he needs friends, genuine friends, people who he can talk to or confide in at a amore human/humane level, those who can make him reflect upon himself in relationship to others, especially those who who has nothing to ask of him. When I look at my twin face on I see myself in the form of my unforgiving anger and it is never a comfortable feeling i get. Perhaps we will both end our lives never to truly come to a conciliation and fully embrace our relationship as twins born out of the same womb barely half an hour in between.