My will is Thy Will is my will.

 

As has become the routine in my life of late, I wake up to the call to prayer from the nearby Penang State Mosque or The Masjid Negeri in Bahasa Malaysia. and followed by my feline companion Firby demanding to be fed. Aches and pains here and there immediately slowed my movement and the need to pee took over and to the bathroom I struggle. From peeing it led to washing doing the Wudu as prescribed for prayer and back to the bed where i sat in meditation observing the rise and dispersing of the aches and pains from my body and they all would normally do leaving me more or less feeling light and comfortable. My prayer while sitting in meditation, is always pretty much the same reminding myself of Allah, God, Shiva, Krishna, Buddha, Lao Tzu, Chuang Tzu and a host of others of my Podcast Gurus, Teachers and Friends asking for forgiveness and expressing gratefulness for yet another awesome sunrise outside my window; 'get busy living or get busy dyeing, I tell myself. Even the Gods have a routine of one form or another in their existence.

Then I attend to Firby and the pigeons waiting to be fed and this followed by doing the dishes and watering the plants; this has been my daily morning routine. It's tedious, boring if not dehumanizing sometimes but it has kept me pretty much on the path towards growing old and not becoming a useless antique. To keep body mind and spirit in alignment as much as possible even if  I am in actuality a Buddha, an Awaken one like all other Buddhas, even if I am the ParamaBrahman or the Essence of God's presence and I am beyond all these routines even if I have transcended this  life of impermanence and illusory, even if ... but i have realized that from the beginning I am subjected or conditioned by the dual thinking projection of my mind. I cannot assume a divine status till I let go of my ego completely; and like the Buddha, I can say, I am no more on my last breath in this physical form. Innalillahiwa'innalillahi -rajiun... from Thee i come to thee i return.", My Father and I are One; the merging of all differences in Unity.

It is almost impossible to become totally detached from being involved in doing whatever it is that is being done from moment to moment for the mind has a story to tell with each and every movement of the body mind and soul; the I is always imposing itself as the performer, the actor.{the Doer}. The Chinese Taoist principle of wu wei or inactive action, or detached involvement and the Hinayana Buddhist practice of bare attention or nonattachment among other wisdom of the ancient is to help me with the Right Understanding that it is all an illusion for so long as I am ignorant of my Buddha Nature or that which is before i was. It is all words and expressions often being applied in order to justify my so called existence in this realm. In essence the second question after the question of Who am I is What is my purpose for being here in this moment of space and time? This reminds me of a folk story I once read which was told by an African tribe the Yuruba if I am not mistaken.

A hunter was snooping and searching around in the bushes one day and suddenly stumbled upon a bleached human skull on the ground. "What brought you here?!" the hunter in his excitement asked. "Talking brought me here!", the skull immediately replied. The hunter almost falling backwards on his butt yelled again, "What brought you here?!" "Talking brought me here!" again answered the skull. After a while the hunter took off excited and headed for the tribal village where he headed to the Chief's hut to announce his amazing discovery. The chief who was busy entertaining his many wives and consorts was reluctant to entertain the hunter but gave in after seeing the hunter was very adamant about his story. So together with his trusted warriors the Chief followed the hunter to where he found the skull. Upon reaching the skull the hunter started asking the skull the same question till he was flabbergasted and desperate when the skull make no reply. To make it short, there are now two skulls laying on the ground where there was once only one.

I am like the hunter and for as long as I am posting this Blog, I am here, the writing brought me here. There is no purpose in life, it is said, until you give it one and i keep on asking what is my purpose? The answer is this very act of sharing my life's experience as I am doing now, in this moment. I am here in this space and time because I am exposing and projecting myself in the form of this Blogging with the hope that I can make a small difference towards sharing my thoughts and actions, making sense out of non-sense often enough. If I am God, I am playing hide and seek with myself while I am in this playground, I am the fool and the wise playing my role, justifying my purpose for being here. I am also the witness of the outcome of these roles I play. The choice has always been mine throughout my life and by my will alone i have created, projected, but only by surrendering to the Divine Will do i feel like i am free to make my choices. WallhuAlam, then again, only The Lord knows. 

   

  

'You can get busy living or get busy dieing' - Your choice, free will and all...

 

From the inner teachings of Shri Ramana -  " The difficulty is that man thinks he is the doer, this is the great mistake, it is the higher power that does everything and he, the man the woman, is just the tool, the instrument of the higher power. This is what the ego does not want to know, because of its own, its hubris, its believe its free will, in that it can do anything, and then the negative side taking on the burden guilt and shame when in fact it is not responsible for anything that has happened to it. Its all done by the ordained, predetermined. Nothing that happened is the fault of oneself...or that the elf deserving credit, the ego that is. If he accepts this position that he is not the doer than he is free from troubles, completely free, no Karma, no reason to suffer over what is happening or what has happened or what one did, because the Higher Power is responsible. What the self is is this pure awareness, consciousness that has nothing to do with the body..." ... from Shuniamurti Satsang on You Tube - The Higher Power is in Control.

This was what I had stumbled upon while browsing the You Tube after listening to updates on the Gaza Front where there is still more talks of war and misery than of Peace. Complete self realization happens and when it does the universe itself comes to a halt, the mind is silent and there is no forms only emptiness, emptiness of being, of sense of perceptions, of impulses and consciousness itself and then it is gone in the blink of an eye or a lightning strike; in this realm of existence the laws of karma still hold sway, nothing is eternal for so long as there is karma to be worked out. Sat, Chit, Ananda is attained completely by those who arrive at becoming a Buddha or the Supreme Awakened Being/ Consciousness. In the process of atonement and cleansing of the karmic residue can happen only by acknowledging the existence of the mind and body and these being guarded with care to assured their performance is meticulous to carry out every step of the way towards Self Liberation.

Hence the Buddha is said to have said, "In this human form, do not waste time, for it is in the form that one is mostly likely to attain the final freedom from suffering."

"This I, Creator of the Ungovernable, ruthless forces of Nature which are not subject to any ethical laws. I too am an amoral force of nature, a phenomenal personality which cannot see its own back."

Yahweh as quoted by Carl G. Jung  

From. What Carl Jung's Most Important Book, " Answer to Job"  tells us - You Tube.

When asked if there is a God Jung replied hesitantly with a wry look in his typical Jung and with a smile said," I don't think God exist, - I know."

This morning while driving my daughter to work I tried to share with her this understanding of what it means that there  is 'no doer.' It did not went done well and as a matter of fact it spoilt here morning which she was enjoying till then. I felt like a fool and realized that some knowledge is best kept to oneself for it is not for everyone. It is not something you can share while driving to work. 

Hence here I am trying to make sense to myself of what I have thus far understood about myself on this path while knowing fully well that it is irrelevant to do so. I am addicted to writing and sharing my thoughts with those like minded persons out there and I am happy to notice that thus far I have over three quarter of a million reads of this Blog. It does took a long time and lengthy of over 2500 posts to arrive at this status, however it has also become my primary outlet in projecting myself into the phenomenal world. Perhaps this piece of work this Blogging, is the ego's last form of corruption in order to remain dominant in realizing who I truly am. This and a few other addictions and old habits, good and bad, are my 'Samskaras, that which I am still having problem letting go of. 

Someone said that Life has no meaning until you give it one; this is my way of giving meaning to my life...the Right Understanding of ,Who I am to untangle the tangle and unravel what has been conditioned into my mind through the years from infant to old age. J. Krishnamurti said that we are just memories of our past experiences, what if there is no memories, who are we? We are our attachments to our physical and mental states of consciousness, accepting this to be our our true nature, we are far removed from our Divine nature, our Supreme Consciousness, our Real Self. Time and again I will keep repeating to myself that I am living a life of Maya of fantasies and delusions and I am and I believe most of humanity are. How do I get out and stay out of this realm of existence, how do I free myself from the bindings of the ego. Who is asking? I don'[t think I am not the mind or the body; I know.

                                                         I Am That, I Am....

  

"Christ in the Rubble," - A Christmas that will go down infamously in History.

 

So what is happening in the Gaza right now? On this Christmas Day, the Day of Our Lord's birthdate, what is happening in the Holy Land where it all happened, for which today there are billions of Christians all over the globe commemorating this event that took place in a manger, in a corner street of Bethlehem, some, God knows how long ago. Today this very same spot is being transformed in to a killing field that would put Pol Pot to shame and Chairman Mao roll in his grave and even Hitler would stop and wonder at the audacity and cruel treatment of the Zionist Military Army are imposing upon the civilian of Palestine.

Merry Christmas! and A Ho!Ho!Ho! to one and All

No amount of justification can deter the fact that we collectively as human specie are complicit and direct or indirectly responsible and will be held accountable for the Chaos in the Holy Land of Israel and Palestine . Three religions find their roots there from the times of Abraham, Moses and Jesus later to be followed by Muhammad whom the Muslim calls the Seal of the Faith. However in reality each and every one of the three faith harbors nothing but contempt and animosity towards one another; rarely does a Jew , a Christian and a Muslim can be found sitting and discussing the three religions as a daily discourse or chatting about God...by whatever name they use to call Him, Yahweh, Elohim, Adonai, Allah{AWJ}. Do we worship one God or three? Then there are those religions that has very little or nothing to do with the religion of the Book. Hinduism, Buddhism, Zoroastrian, Taoism, Shintoism, the animism of the Aboriginals and Wakan Tanka or Great Spirit of the Universe that Native Americans seek wisdom and refuge from. I always ask, who introduced the word 'God' into Christianity or where does the word originate from? In God we Trust! It would be naive if not a liable mistake to blame God for all the pain and suffering going on in Gaza and elsewhere on the Planet and not to mention the state of the Planet itself, but it sometimes does makes me think of what really is the Lord's game plan for us. 

Someone said, Jesus died on the cross as an atonement for God's errors with His original plan. Like saying hey, I am sorry for not being more sensitive and conscious about the repercussions of any error in My Creation and so I sacrifice 'My only Begotten Son' or 'My self in the flesh' to say I am sorry. Just my mind wondering where does it all began and when does it end? I keep asking such mundane questions in my mind just to keep myself from thinking negative thoughts or allow for my nafs or ego to stroll into my consciousness and make itself at home for good. I will and could never question My Lord's presence and the Power that makes it all happen is His and He wills it as It is, I am merely a witness, one who connects the dots as best i can to make sense of as much of the Lord's works as I possibly can in the effort to justify what is going on in Palestine. 

The Christmas Spirit is my Spirit, my joys and Bliss and the same with the rest of humanity, at least those whose heart is widely open to embrace all religions, faith and belief, regardless of their origin. The Christmas I celebrate is no different from the Aidil Hadzhar or Aidil Fitri, or Deepavali or the Lunar month of Chines New Year. We celebrate ourselves, our presence and our unity in this life and we assume that we are doing it for other reasons. It is in the collective spirit that we can make changes in this world and at the present moment the power that be is bound and determine at setting the course for self destruction of humanity if not the Planet itself.  How does one change the course of history or stop history from repeating itself, how do we avoid a Third World War? 

  

Highlights of my 2023 life's experiences - Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

 

                                   

                                                      Ho!~Ho!Ho! Merry Christmas! From Rasa Sayang.

                                                      -meaning;  with the Taste of Love.

Hanging out with Eugene and Ben at the RASASAYANG was the climax of my year ending experience. It was a two day real vacation time with plenty to reflect upon, even potentialities and possibilities to look forward to.

The most auspicious moment happened on Pulau Kapas.

The Three Man Show, BWB International Exhibition held at the Hin Bus Depot was my final triumphant moment as an artist fulfilling my duty and intentions as an Artist towards the community. To Love and to be Loved is the food of the soul that which sustains the living spirit within...'for without Love...a man will die...and when I die...there will be one more child born to carry on...So get busy Living or get busy Dieng, it's a simple choice to make.

Have you ever listened to a song called "The Children of Sanchez," by Chuck Mangione? It's on You Tube. Do not try to make sense of what I am trying to share here, but if you are one of those who follow me as closely from the beginning chances are you will see what i see. when I see and how I see...

My best piece for the year 2023 is this charcoal rendition of the Mexican Artist, El Maestro Diego Rivera. One of my favorite Masters of the 20th.Century, I did this from a biography book about his wife the equally elegant and aloof  wife Frida Kahlo. I did her portrait too and gave it to Ben's wife Joan Cheong and the portrait of Diego i gave it to Ben, both the sketches were done in Ben's basement studio.

One of the most unforgettable character that i encountered during this year was the Malay Professor Encik Rusdi who had a Cockatoo named Lolo perched on his shoulder when crossed from the Terengganu Mainland to the Island of Kapas.  Had his education in Oklahoma and well traveled, he was a story teller, a breath of fresh air from the usual normal politics of life. 

Hanging out with my nephew Shaifudin and his autistic daughter was a grounding and humbling experience I feel from all the rest of my experiences on or off Pulau Kapas. This nephew and uncle connection through Trust and Love, through Understanding and Compassion was an eye opener for me. I am very happy to have made this deep trust and respect between us and the door swings both ways. Thank you for your gracious hospitality while i stayed in Ru Rengeh, Marang. 

There are days when you cannot see the horizon where the sky touches the sea and my mother told me that there will be days like these too...and this too, will pass...

Facing the Sunrise from my twin Brother's Home with Pulau Kapas on the horizon, another beautiful day has begun and how it will end it entirely up to you. as this too will pass...

On Friendship and making Friends -

 

Funny how i keep finding myself posing before a loaded Christmas Tree in a lobby of some high class Hotel, last year I think it was at the E@O Hotel in Georgetown and this year it was The RASASAYANG in Batu Feringgi...off course i could visit any major Mall and Walla! Christmas trees larger the much larger that life....but its the 'Ambiance.' The feeling of thankfulness and gratefulness, blessed, to keep receiving Divine Grace despite the poor track record in life thus far.

 

Here is a Lady who has done it her way, a few years my senior and as much if not more stories to tell of her life as an Artist living in the UK. This is the first time we have been introduced to and it was through my friend Ben Ronjen and Eugene whom I met on Kapas sometime last year, he is a Chinese married to a Malay, a Rugby trainer and a gangster and he is also the financial adviser to the Lady. They are 9on a Mission to find a piece of Land and built a Typical Malay house some where by the sea in Penang - a retirement home,

\

Ben and Eugene goes a long way back when the met on Kapas when ben was living at Jambu Bongkok, a small fishing village between Dungun and Marang, for those who care to know the details. I am fortunate to have been introduced to these gentlemen who helps to keep me challenged if not inspired. They both have earned the rites of passage to be called 'Gentlemen.' I consider these types of individuals as men who walk the 'Middle Path, in this life. Men who knows to keep the balance between what is right and what is not so and they are the men who knows the differences between what they want and what they need. 

My personal view of a man is the one who have been married and raised a few children as part of their rites of passage. Ho well or poorly they have performed in this duty is theirs to bear as men, as fathers. I believe in Islam there is status placed upon some as Al Insan Kamil, the perfect gentleman...almost like the Saints and Sages and especially like the Prophets. " A Man's a Man, Who looks a Man, right between his eyes..."

The chance meeting of an Australian adventurer and a Malay Lady Artist living in the UK, let's see what they can come up with in finding the perfect location and built the perfect retirement home. Ben knows Penang much more than I do and one of the reasons why I very much enjoy his company. Ben will dwell into the details of any subject in a conversation, a true story teller.

 

This is lady I just met and originally is from Canada and we got off on the wrong foot immediately when she started in on me with questions that makes one feels like a school kid being grilled by a Headmaster. However as the day wore on we got to know each other better we are now good friends; we all have our ego to feed or defeat. It is my experience in relationship, in my interpersonal communication with others, that one has to be authentic if not genuine about one's Dharma Position as the Buddha called it, the ground of Primordial Being; this is who I AM! I am pleased to make your acquaintance. 

Merry Christmas from Us The Baharis. - May Peace Prevail..

 

 This Christmas Season let the joy and cheers ride on high,

Let's celebrate life to the fullest in the Name of the All Mighty,

Lord of Creation and Lord of Love and Mercy,

Let us in our rapture of God's Grace raise our gaze and

pray for those going through trials and tribulations in the Middle East,

Let's put our palms together and ask our Lord for Guidance and  Awakening, 

May the Christmas Spirit be our Awakening clarion call.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! fROM tHE bAHARI fAMILY!

                                 

                         EVERY MAN HAS HIS PRIDE AND JOY IN LIFE, IT'S GOD GIVEN. 

This year Christmas comes with a dark cloud hanging over it, it is as though The Grinch has taken control of the joystick. Greed, hate and Ignorance has become the code of conduct for survival of the fittest, the Rich, the major nations the so called civilized Nations. This year Christmas for many it is a time ultimate pain and suffering. Our hearts and spirit goes out to the souls in Gaza, may Allah in His Infinite Mercy bring an end to this humanity's fiasco. I hope not to die with this humongous guilt conscience on my mind, knowing that I am a witness to all that is happening. I hope not to leave behind me a legacy of having brought humanity to the level that is much lower than that of the animals. As  a man, a father to four children, as an artist, a wireless operator for Bristow Helicopters in Telaga Batin, Near KualaTerengganu. The company was employed by ESSO Exploration and Continental Oil of Huston Texas for the oil and gas exploration off the Terengganu Coast in the South China Seas; It was my first official employment Next, I was a medical research assistant attached to The Malaysia Institute of Medical Research or IMR in the study of Cholera and Malaria primarily. This was done in the ULU Kuala Berang area where we visited six villages deep into the hinterland of the Malayan Rainforest. Led by an American Research Doctor we drove in the Jeep up and down hillsides, buried into mud to reach each village. When we got there we treated the rural folks of most of their ailments  from sores to sore throats. 

I have shared my first two employments while growing up to become a man and the last i counted I had worked at over 32 jobs and the longest was six years, working as a Yard Superintendent at H and H Ship Services  on the San Francisco Bay Water Front. All these jobs that I had done over time I feel most fortunate I never got stuck to one job for too long, in my life. perhaps it is an indication of a weakness of character. Oh well! too late to worry now. Just Excess my Blog on the subject and it will let you in deeper as is said, the Devil being in the details. Some  I am glad I have found for myself a window for self expression thanks to my close friend and Brother, Fadzli Mubin, a computer engineer who insisted that i start writing my Blog all my stories as I have been doing in my sketchbooks and journals. In 2004-5, my friend set up my Blog in his cyber cafe shop where we used to hang out till 4 in the morning eating and drinking and chatting about the Internet and Photography; this Blog was set in motion and has been in motion ever since. 

I believe a man is not a complete Male if he has not raised a few children of his own with or without his spouse.. I remember my son, The Naz told me on one his visits from college. "You know dad what you are doing, looking after two children at home is the most hardest job a man can do. Babysitting my two children Karim and Marissa while living on 2nd. Ave and Balboa, two blocks from the Golden Gate Park was some of the most beautiful moments in my life. 

In Loving memories of my late wife Nancy Buss Bahari! Chrismas was always special with her. Here she is hanging up things onto the Christmas tree with the help Jesse, Jack Hallock and Yuri's daughters'.This was our apartment on 2nd. Ave and Balboa, in the Richmond District of the San Francisco Bay Area. Did we create our past of did our past creates who we are? 

 

 These were the times I was really close to my son Naz was when he was in college at the San Jose State University, located about seventy miles from San Francisco. He set up the computer and taught me how to use it We took a helicopter flight over the Golden gate bridge once and he sat up front with the Pilot and I over heard their talk as they were shouting. What do you want to be when you grow up. My son replied an aerospace engineer or a pilot. He wanted to fly.

Later in his life my son flew for the Emirate Air as a Flight Captain. 

Yes, The one that got away!

                                                The Rest of the Crew without the Captain.

WISHING YOU A VERY HAPPY SEASONS GREETINGS AND A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 From; The Nazz B, Timo A.B, Karim B and Marissa Bahari.

A Day in a Life of a Dharma Bum -

 

"Hubris is the arrogance of the human intelligence that thinks it got It. thinks it knows." _ Shunyamurti.

                              Really! What the hell do i know?! After all these years i still am thinking!

The T- shirt I wore usd to belong to my twin brother and he gave it to me when I was living on Kapas Island, he sent it along with a wind breaker and a few art materials and a sketchpad and a whole bag full of medications that was his prescription including pills for  lowering high cholesterol, pills for high blood and so forth. It says CHAMPION on the chest, a logo which i believe is a company that produced  batteries and spark plugs. Coming from him I could not refuse and I was touched. 

My two young buddies Rizal and Syafik, owners of the Hin Bus Barrista. Today I decided to spend some time with my buddy Ben and have him buy me lunch. I met Rizal many years ago when he was bar tending at China House on Beach Street when my daughter was also employed. We would chat while i waited for my daughter to be done with he work. Syafik I know through my daughter not too long ago. great guys with their heads glued on right for a change. 

Never got to talk to the Artist but his made good sound on the Sarawakian perhaps Iban instrument upgraded technologically, it has a unique guitar sound. The Hin Bus Depot has been promoting musicians from all walks of life, culture and ethnicity. Sometime in 1989 I visited the Long House at Kapit in Sarawak and it was during the time the 'Gawai hantu' which according to the head of the Penan Tribes who happened to be present for this auspicious occasion. This gentleman once was given the medal of honor by the Queen of England for bravery.

For three days and night from the moment we stepped onto the bamboo floors of the Long House we were 'coerced' to drink the local rice wine and various other liquor available for the festivities. I was drunk by the second night out of my mind and was sure i was a member of the tribe of headhunters living in the heart of the Borneo Rainforest. Thanks to my twin brother who was then the Director of the Handicraft Center in Kucing, he made the trip possible for me to take, I took allot of slides of the events and upon returned to the United States, where i was a student at the University of Wisconsin at Green Bay. The trip itself was my final semester project where I returned to Malaysia and made a documentary of my trip to Penang, Terengganu and Kucing, Sarawak. The slides i took are now a part of the permanent collection of the University Archive or so I was told. 

I am aware of the many things my twin brother made possible for me in the past for without his help I would never have experienced the life of the Indigenous of Borneo even if it was but for three days and night. The solemnity and the sacredness of the rituals and ceremonies touched my heart and mind to the core and being most of the time drunk and sleep deprived I found myself in a whole different realm of dimension.; the felt the spirit of the Great Hornbill as I flew through the night into the dark forest. By the time i departed from the Long House and its community I found myself throwing up green peas over the side of the long canoe. I was informed that the Gawai Hantu takes place every 65 years and it was when all the tribes of Iban congregate at one Long House to commemorate the dead. 

Hin Bus Depot, a good place to hang out and enjoy the arts and local scene. it's happening here every weekend. Can you imagine the fact that at this very moment bombs are being dropped over Gazza and the children are dying? Do you care? Do I care? If life is an illusion, Maya, what does it matter! Suffering Is, None who suffers, the Buddha said so and Enlightenment Is, but none who attains it. What does he actually meant? Right and wrong, good and evil white or black are a sickness of my own mind! Yes, I think too much. As a matter of fact you are/ I am addicted to thoughts...I am still thinking.

Buddha's Way is Unsurpassable, I Vow to Attain it.

Through Right Mindfulness and Right Understanding,

Through the silence of the mind and the presence of being,

I Am who I am,

Sat Chit Ananda.

                                               One of my favorite western food - Lamb chops! Ben Ronjen agrees it is by far the best lamb chops around Georgetown - at the restaurant Rumah Kaca or The Glass House. 

As I talk of My self and My Lord - Why so much Pain and Suffering?

 

" I want you to be Happy!" God said to me,

And I want you to make others Happy as your service to Me!

 So! stop groveling about your life! LIVE! in My Name..."

And the Ego answers, "Easier said than done My Lord! Yet Thy Will will be done, Insha'Allah!, SubhanAllah. I will do my best to come closer to Your Throne my Lord!" This the Nirmanakaya of the Lord Buddha Shakyamuni Gautama, I avow! I will serve my time in this realm as a Bodhisatva as I have made this vow before before my fellow brothers and sisters of the Green Gulch Zen Community in Marin County, California. During every full moon of my Zen Practice at the Green Dragon Zen Temple at Green Gulch farm, the whole community of Sangha gathers and performs the Bodhisatva Vows of nine Prostrations. This was the most enlightening moment of my practice as a Zen Student for almost two years. It took me more the thirty years for me to awaken to this realization but it so happens. If i am asked what did i take away from my Zen Practice , I would declare this to be it .. I am rambling or just beginning to ramble, see where it takes.

" Beings are Numberless, I vow to awaken with them!

Dellusions are in exhaustible I vow to end them!

The Dharma Gates are boundless, I vow to enter them!

Buddha's Way is Unsurpassable I vow to attain It"

Enter my sacred heart, welcome to the Unreal, the realm of the Senses!

I Am WHOLE!, Complete and perfect! Strong and Powerful!, Loving and Compassionate! Harmonious and HAPPY!, I can do what I will to do... Insha'Allah.. God Willing! iN MY lORD i tRUST!. 

Somewhere from within the rubbles of the Gaza Strip, the voice reached out, Ya Allah! Please save me!" and from the depth of the debris the voice cried out..."Innalillahi wa' inna lillaH! Allahu Akbhar!" From Him I have come, unto Him I return! and the voise fade into the settling dust of the massive Air srtike!

O'Gaza, This being weep for you and your children; I am too old to raise my fist much less carry a rifle, however my thoughts and feelings are with you like the burning pain I feel at the center of my chest! I can only express my deepest condolence through my Blog for what is manifesting in your presence, at this moment. 

I call upon myself and the rest of the world to practice whatever it is that you have within your spiritual self, your faith and your determination, let us as a collective spirit focus out attention to a single pointedness of Peace to prevail over Chaos, Joy over Sorrow, Light over Darkness," let's pray!

Let's Sit! Let's empty our minds of  unneeded thoughts and consciousness, imaginations and perceptions, let us empty ourselves of our Egoic Nature...yadda ...yadda! At this day and age you either have it or you don't it is almost too late to matter at the rate our humanity is being put to the grinder of Love and Compassion, being a Man or a Beast! For every infants life taken we are being judged All of us! We are implicit in being responsible for what this planet is suffering from. We are not free from any of it on account of ignorance; it is our humanity's Collective Karma. For we are Violent and aggressive in nature from the time of Caine and Abel! We have our dark shadows following us wherever we go. The Jihad is not in killing others but in killing the arrogance of Ego nature, that has become who we think we are. Our attachment to the very narrative that i am writing about my self is an attachment and so long as one is attached to phenomena and experience one will always have difficulty in reaching a state of  Peace  and Liberation from this Maya or The Unreal form of existence.  How can I be of service to this realm of  Samsara of Suffering? Beings are numberless! I Vow to Awaken with Them! 

Who am I?

What am I?

Not his body nor this mind, so, 

who am I?

Who is asking? or what is asking?

Don't get caught into this net of dual thinking mind and hold on to what is, a little bit longer, like holding you breath in a single moment of bliss free from thoughts, hold on to the silence for a moment longer every time you find it in between your in and out breaths. In this Silence it is said God speaks to you. How else? When else if not Now?! It has been past the time of our awakening from this nightmare we call living, too mush pain and suffering too much sacrifices of innocent lives for the destructive gods. We need to wake up from this sleep and shout it out on the hills and  at the top of the mountains of Human Consciousness where it may be found; Wake UP! Stay Awake! Don't be fooled! 

"Bahari San! What is the Imperturbable Mind?"  "Junpo San! Eido Shimano Roshi was not too bad for an Abbot of the Rinzai School! He almost had it completely except he rattled about me not being welcomed to the Daibosatsu Zendo in New York. It was lame even for a Zen master looking from the spirit of the Rinzai School 0f Zen Buddhism. My late Friend and Teacher, Junpo San the, the Imperturbable Mind is Silence,{not the word itself}but Complete Silence, emptiness of silence...there is not such thing as an imperturbable mind! There is no mind to begin with! 

For those having the faintest Idea of what i was rambling on about my friend Junpo Kelly, you may find the subject written in my earlier posts on the matter. But not important as it is just me rambling on for lack of better things to do with myself. However personally this short detour in time and space was ,it was what was in my mind at that moment, why? or how? Who know knows and cares anymore. Some episodes in life are hard to let go of until fully grasped and understood, reconciled and removed for good. Emptying the mind of the past takes more than just trying to forget but also complete absorption into supreme ocean consciousness, just a a wave returns to the sea. 

A moment of silence, of solitude, of meditative consciousness is worth a lifetime of incessant thinking. This is the eternal state of being, the zero state at the center of consciousness itself, this is the I; the Whole, Complete and Perfect; he fully Awakened Mind of the Buddha Nature in the Buddha Dharma Realm of existence...the Eternal I, the Supreme I; the non-Existence I... I Am No More. Gone, Gone, Gone from the concept of the word I. The Ultimate Mergence of all Differences into the one single point at the center of the ocean of consciousness itself...at the Zero point of Shiva/ Shakti, of the Ying and Yang, in a moment of Silence you can achieve Transcendence and Liberation from this world of Maya and suffering even if it was at the flash of the lightning in the span of time. A glimpse of what is The Real is a Glimpse of what is the Unreal both are states of consciousness one is without the other, the choice is mine to make, to settle for the Real or Un-Real, the Eternal or the Impermanent, Light or Darkness? Pain and Pleasure. In Silence lies the Answer, {not in words}.: in the center of the Ground Zero of Awareness.

And so on we go...me and my shadow.

I was at the COP-3 Kyoto Climate Convention some 25 years ago...things has not chnaged but got worse.

 

As i watch the numerous videos of the Palestinian Israeli war for and against I am beginning to feel disgusted at the various arguments put forth as the so called experts on the issue argue themselves to convince their viewers of the conflict while more and more killing of men women and children on both sides continues. I am beginning to feel like i am watching a world war in the making as the stage is being set for the impending outcome of an all out carnage of humanity. It is like being made to accept the outcome of our inability to even think of peace much less make it happen. The pissing competition between the two sides whether on on the talk shows or the United Nations General Assembly floor never seems to make any headway towards any sensible outcome to end all the conflicts that is besieging our life. Same questions, same accusations same issues is being debated back and forth like there is no tomorrow and yet death and destruction proliferate to an ever increasing momentum and that life has become indeed worth the price of one bullet or one drone delivered warhead. Is God drunk as the late John Huston once quoted? What is the meaning to all this or is there any sense of meaning left?  I am beginning to feel like living in a very sick world, a world under the attack of a killer cancerous virus called the Ego; primarily under the influence of Greed, Hate and Ignorance. If we walk out of this precarious episode of our history safe and sound, it would indeed be a Divine Miracle.

If I have any trust and hope in the Media covering the Palestinian and Israeli conflict I would say that the talk by Chris Hedges, "The Genocide in Gaza" sponsored by The Sanctuary For Independent Media, Troy, New York, Dec. 6th 2023, is the voice of conscience for humanity especially the west. The video will most probably disappear before too long on You Tube but it is worth listening to this committed and dedicated reporter who speaks from his heart to the children of Gaza. 

 

Elsewhere in Dubai the COP-28 Climate change conference is ongoing in order to arrest the fate of our planet that is slip sliding towards an irreversible self destruction due to countries and other major key players such as mega industries and oil producing consortiums refuses to give up what is their bread and butter their or  yachts and caviar more like it despite all the signs and warnings put forth by the NGOs and climate experts. Natural disasters are cropping up all over the world and the lost of life and economic waste is becoming an accepted norm or so it seems. Freak weather and storms, floods and draught in places that were normally  unheard of in the past, more frequent volcanic activities and extinction of species on land and seas, it all seems like quite normal to those whose are not impacted by the events. It seems here too the all mighty ego calls the shot, those who have over those who have not, the powerful over the helpless , the wealthy over the poor. is God really drunk? There is a verse in the Quran that -

And We have certainly honored the children of Adam and carried them on the land and sea and provided for them of the good things and preferred them over much of what We have created, with [definite] preference.

Surah Al-Isra Full   

I like interpretation given to me y one of my teachers that w are being elected to become guardians of the Planet we live in making sure all is well for the preservation of God's creation. However today man has become its major source of decadence and destruction at all levels. Man has become a liability unto himself and the rest of the world through his greed, hate and ignorance; we are the cancerous virus that is eating away at our own innards.

I made it to Cop3 in 1997 at Kyoto, Japan. 25 years ago I carried with me four panels of News Paper from the Japan Times of articles related to every environmental news that had appeared in the News paper over the period of one year. I had no idea of the fact that the COP3 convention was going to happen in Kyoto that same year. 

The trip to Kyoto was sponsored by the director of the Kawaijuku Bunri of Sendai, a prep School where my late wife was employed to teach English. 

As I was not officially invited for the convention I decided to display my panels close to the entrance of the convention hall where participants to the convention were able to read them as they walk into the hall.

I thought this was my contribution towards my concern for the climate as well as other environmental issues that we faced back then.

Close by at a shrine i noticed the huge Green Peace banner hung from the steps and felt a sense of camaraderie with them, I felt I had done my small part.

I then met a gentleman from Washington DC who was a part of a group of NGOs from the USA and he offered to take my panels into the convention hall on my behalf which automatically freed me to explore Kyoto for three days. 

Great Men/ Minds I grew up with.

Shunryu Suzuki Roshi a Soto Zen monk and teacher who helped popularized Zen Buddhism in the United States. He was born in 1904, in Kanagawa, Japan and died in 1971 in the United States. I was introduced to the Roshi's teaching when i was in Green bay, Wisconsin and was shopping at Waldrn Book Store where i stumble upon his well read book "Zen Mind Beginner's Mind."`I read the book while on a flight home to Malaysia soon after.

The teachings and the Soto Zen School went on to play a vital part later in my life where in the 1980s I found myself  on the steps of the San Francisco Zen center at 300, Page Street. Although I was dismissed at the Center when I first arrived i later became a student at the green Gulch Zen Community in Marin County. Green Gulch is a part of the San Francisco Zen Community.

"When we emerge from nothing, when everything emerge from nothing, we see it all as Fresh new creation. This is Non- Attachment." - Zen master Shunryu Suzuki. #shunryusuzukiroshi, #zenmindbeginnersmind

Jedu Krishnamurti stepped into my life when I was a student at the university of Wisconsin in Green Bay. I was working my way as a librarian and discovered one of his books by chance. It was being exposed to his works and that of Alan Watts whose works were also found on the same shelf that set me on my spiritual quest of self discovery. It was in the early 1980s just before i graduated that i found myself embarking upon my present journey.

"We are nothing but memory and it is to that memory we are attached. My house, my property, my experience, my relationship, the office, the factory I go to, the skill I like being able to use during a certain period of time - I am all that. To all that thought is attached, this is what we call living."

"You are the World!"   - J. Krishnamurti

"John Huston.Marcellus Huston was an American filum director, screen writer and actor. He wrote the screenplay for most of the 37 feature filum he directed, many of which are today considered classics. many of the filums involves themes such as religion, truth, freedom, psychology, colonialism and war. "- Wikipedia.

Most people never have to face the fact that at the right time and the right place they're capable of anything.

What to do when inspiration doesn't come; be careful not to spook, get the wind up, force things into position. You must wait around until the idea comes.John Huston

I have a great admiration for the works and personality of John Huston from way back when just as I have had great admiration for Marlon Brando, Charleston Heston, Paul Neuman, Kirk Douglas, Yul Brynner and Anthony Quin  as great actors; they made Hollywood.                                                                   

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We were born out of the same womb with half an hour in between = my Twin Brother and I

 

The Monsoon officially begins as the sea behind my twin brother's house starts to roar its familiar monsoon roar that reminds one of the train running by with not end in sight. The pounding of waves upon the sandy beach and the wind blasting through the palm trees loaded with rain, yes the monsoon is officially here and this is only the beginning. I spent my teenage years in Kuala Trengganu and my family home was located within sight of the South China Sea which was across the main road and the far end of the Istana Badariah golf course, {the palace} in Batu Buruk. Hence i had a good experience of what a real monsoon weather was like and how the lives of the people were affected. If there was any fishing to be done it was for fresh water fish found in and along the water way the feeds the rice fields and usually the fields too would be inundated from the incessant rain that sometimes last for a week non stop. Most babies were made during the monsoon season as the men were forced to stay home and the women had very little to do just as the winter months in the snow countries. 

                                             My nephew and his 'autistic' daughter

Putting up at my twin brother's home is and never was a comfortable option for me even though by any standard it is a luxurious home, with all the comforts of home and then some. It is still a mystery and

 a question mark as to why i keep imposing upon him to stay at his house even though i have other options and invitations to do so elsewhere. This is an entry that i have been avoiding in making as it one of the most sensitive subject in my life; the subject of the Twins. 

I always have accepted the fact that I am my brother's mirror image and not only in appearance and manners but also in how we think and act with others and ourselves. Despite our similarities we are also the complete opposite of one another. Being raised separately during our childhood years between 1 - 12 years of age as I was given up for adoption at birth to my uncle and he was raised by my parents it did not help in promoting a healthy relationship between us least to say. At the age of 12 i was repossessed by my parents for religious reasons mainly due to the fact that for 12 years my uncle had raised me as a Buddhist while my brother and the rest of my family were reverted Muslims. Even at a very early age I had realized that i was a cause of inconvenience and discomfort for others especially my immediately family. Returning to the family fold and growing up as a teenager alongside my twin brother was a challenge if not a pain for both of us. Teen rivalry and animosity towards one another was the norm between us and we grew up avoiding each other as much as possible. 

We attended the same High School or Secondary School as it is called here and our eldest brother was the disciplinary teacher at the school and hence school was again hell for me, I cannot speak for my brother, but for me, I had to scratch tooth and nails to keep my sanity intact till the day i walked out of school as well as my life in Terenggnau.  

Try as I might to find out if i hated anyone or blame someone for my misgivings growing up, I could not and still cannot find the person in my family, I love my family brothers and sisters. I may have frictions for the moment in time and place but never a lasting animosity towards anyone and I am or have become a very thorough analytical person in seeking the answers to my narrative about my life. Faults I have and very many no doubt and some have caused unpreparable damage in my relationship with others and my family was never spared my ignorance and arrogance, my stubbornness and my anger most of all. I grew up most of my life angry at the world while being angry at myself and unfortunately my twin brother felt this the most. 

I am very happy and proud that he has turned out to be successful in life and made a fortune if not a name for himself and that he has a a great family although not without the one kink or another that gives his life a challenge and he is a very pious and religious man where God is concern, just the opposite of who I am. Where faith and religion is concern I draw the line and stand my own position with God. No man will tell me who or what to believe and my faith is my concern, that is my personal covenant with my Maker. I have claimed to be more spiritual that religious, whatever that may stand for, but the Divine resides deep in my heart call it what you may and I do not feel the need to justify anymore to anyone especially to religious zealots and extremists whoever or wherever they may be. And this is where my twin and I part company admittedly or not, right or wrong, it is not for me to judge as I am the accused, the 'infidel. I am not financially wealthy by a long shot and lives a life dependent on others like a beggar which I am not too proud of but nor do I despise; it is just who I am. I doubt if i would like myself being very rich when I look at the mirror of myself.   

It seems like it will always be a depressing place for me to visit and a depression for my mind to wrap around with when it comes to my twin and I. Perhaps I  have tried too hard or expect too much out of my efforts to reconcile and perhaps my motive is being misconstrued as ass kissing a rich brother; WallahuAllam! only God knows! But the one lesson I have been reminded of as a Muslim whenever I was in Terengganu is that I have to visit my brothers and sisters as this is mandatory in Islam, to keep the blood tie between siblings and relatives intact no matter. Yes there were times when I had decided to avoid visiting my twin brother when I was in the East Coast but my two sisters would not let me off the hook reminding me that he is my twin and it is my duty as the younger to pay him a visit. 

                                                      

                                              My sister-in- law finds finds solace through work.

If by chance my twin or his wife has the impression that my staying with them was because of the wealth and comfort of their home, let this post bear witness that it is far from the truth. I would genuinely rather stayed at my nephew's bakery or my close friend Mohd.Rafi's place even if it was haunted, {I felt} and most uncomfortable. I don't have to justify more than what I have over the matter. If i have any word of advice for him it is this, my brother has to drop his personality as a 'Director'. he is no more in the position and has to come down a few notches. He stinks of self righteousness when addressing others in his daily life;  he needs friends, genuine friends, people who he can talk to or confide in at a amore human/humane level, those who can make him reflect upon himself in relationship to others, especially those who who has nothing to ask of him. When I look at my twin face on I see myself in the form of my unforgiving anger and it is never a comfortable feeling i get. Perhaps we will both end our lives never to truly come to a conciliation and fully embrace our relationship as twins born out of the same womb barely half an hour in between. 

Time to keep on rambling...sketches from Kapas Island.-1

  

Long ago I had a dream and in my dream I dreamt that i was witnessing a huge battle that lit up the skies red from horizon to horizon. Standing atop of a hill I witnessed death and destruction all around me and stand facing was the only one left drenched in blood, sword dangling on his side and fierce and murderous look in his dark eyes. I picked up a human skull from the ground and wore in on me like a complete helmet and and i raised my hands to the skies and screamed "I AM DEATH!!, destroyer OF THE WORLDS!"...and I woke up. I was student at the university of Wisconsin, Green Bay then, sometime in 1978-79 and I was taking a course of Comparative Religions and my Mentor and Professor was Mr. Elmer Havens, a gentleman who was in his sixties, and we talked allot beyond talks of religion and philosophy and he treated more like a son than a student. he was the man who related to me of Oppenheimer's quote from the Bhagavad Gita when he completed a successful test of the first Atomic Bomb at Los Alamos Lab. in New Mexico. At the time the knowledge just passed me by like clouds in an empty sky another food for thought to be filed away into my subconscious cabinet. When i watched the movie made of this event in human history it evoked from within these old memories and the files fell out and the architypes reveal themselves s to who stood on the hill with a human skull attached to his shoulders and all round him death and destruction in the form of a huge mushroom ball of fire.

During the same period in my life i had another dream that shook me deep within, I dreamt that i was Lord Krishna, I felt Blue and full of Energy emanating all around my presence, I felt Great! In the dram I was entertaining my mother like in a cave and she was hiding there after having taken a baby away from its mother. My job was to persuade her to return this infant to its rightful mother in the most compassionate and Godly manner. I remember displaying a movie size screen before us and displaying the story of the origin of the Universe from beginningless time. Images flashed across the screen from atoms and amoeba to the final days of the Universal destruction. The i was performing small miracles facing demons flying down from the skies to attack us. I remember vividly turning large elephant ears on a demon to wrap it around its face thus blinding it. I turned long fangs protruding form the jaws of another into rubber like  and twisted them into a knot and falling away. I did all these tricks with a smile in me as i was entertaining my mother trying to persuade her to detach from the baby and return it to its rightful mother. I cannot remember how the dream ended but it was mind blowing dream the had stuck out every now and then when there is a major crisis facing humanity and there seems like there is no way out but to end it all with a Big Bang. Oh Mother! 

I had many such awesome dreams and some I have tried to share in this blogging. I am curious about what they meant or if they had any significance in my daily life, but some still remain at the back of my mind and every now and then would pop up perhaps when the occasion calls for...and so tis is what it meant. My life evolving through a vortex of forms and emptiness collecting and deleting information as it moves along from cradle to grave, just another individual phenomena of the higher consciousness, that from which it all arises and fade back into. I am but a witness and there are moments i am being observed for I am part of the whole, the Universal Consciousness, the Supreme Being, some call it God while others  calls it the Black Hole. By whatever name or understanding one may see it as, I am not who I think i am and that while floating and drifting in this Maya of an existence I know i am a servant of a Higher State of Being and i call Him by His Islamic Name Allah {Lord of Creation and the Hereafter.}. I know i cannot drive alone on this highway without a co-pilot or a Navigator to help me along the right path. Much as i have accumulated knowledge and understanding in this life, I have yet much to learn and it is not beneath to learn from the lowest to the highest manifestation of my Guru, my Teachers, my Friends and the Universe has yet much more to reveal before i kick the bucket or throw in the towel. I will keep on touching every heart and minds as I meet them and they will enrich mine, and when I move on I know that i have not totally wasted my time on this Earth. I have been given a blank canvass when i came into this life and I intend to fill it up with the best and worse of my life's experiences with the flair of an Artist, a Story Teller and a Rambler.