What did I learn about myself from being at the Zen Monastery for almost two?
I was a homeless when I left the Green Gulch Zen community and thanks to my friend Joshua Bowes and his girlfriend Shirsten who lived in a small garage converted to living accomodation on the corner of Haight and Ashbury located close to the edge of the Golden Gate Park, I had a temporary shelter sleeping under their kitchen table. Josh was a regular visitor to Green Gulch and we had become very close friends and so when he found out I was booted out of the monastery he offered me shelter while i was in transition to the outside world. I remember the AARDVARK clothing store was across the street on the corner of Haight and Ashbury and the GAP store being on the same side of the street as Josh's home and
my favorite Chinese restaurant, Hunan on Haight next to it.
Josh a few days later introduced me to his friend Will Harris Jr. with the idea that i worked for him at cleaning his yard at his house in Piedmont and thus began my life with H&H Ship Services and Environmental Services located on China Basin off Third Street in downtown San Francisco's waterfront. It lasted six years where from my first assignment as a sweeper, in one year I was the 'Yard Superintendent' answerable to the company's president and my salary doubled in that time period. I attribute my rise from the prospect of being a homeless to living the 'life of Riley', to my Zen Mind Beginner's Mind.
I will spare the details to this episode in my life to save myself from repetitious posting as i am sure I have written about my H&H life several times in the past, just look it up. However the reason I wrote a little of this a Zen group I joined on fb; the American Zen. I have become a member of three different discussion groups all related to Buddhism and am enjoying getting to touch base many Zen practitioners, sharing their ideas and perceptions over the subject. I find that it is one way from me to keep myself informed as well as my mind challenged so it is at least focused upon a fruitful and creative endeavor instead of drifting into old age and decadence with nothing worth to show for. On looking a far back as when I started my Blogging some ten years ago i also realize that i have improved my skills at writing. Thoughts and ideas fall into place as i write sometimes with no effort at all. I also have a better handle upon the subject matter of what i am writing without losing sight of my main intention from the beginning, which is in esense, self discovery.
After all these years what do I hope to gain from all these writings? Am I any better or worse than I was tn years ago or twenty for that matter? How much have i changed and what have I truly discovered about who I am, my faith my belief, my understanding my relationship with others, my habits and dependencies, what truly matters about me in the long run? How many lives have i disappointed and how many friendship and trusts have I betrayed in the course of being who I am and how do i reconcile with myself and with my Maker over these matters? I can safely say that i have no concrete answers to all of these questions and issues but i know one thing for sure and that is i have dived deeper than most to discover what or how i have traveled this journey thus far towards unlocking as much as it is within my means, of the mysteries of my life or what makes it tick. I will never tire myself of digging to the very roots of my karmic or psychic existence leaving no stone unturned if this is what it takes to attain liberation from this cycle of life -death and rebirth.
Monday, May 28, 2018
Saturday, May 26, 2018
Where there is Harapan, there is Hope.
As the Malaysian political saga unfolds more and more truly exciting and intriguing episodes surfaces with regard to the scandalous 1MDB fiasco. The amount of money being syphoned out of the Nation's coffer to pay for the debts incurred in a botched business deals overseas is phenomenal and has practically crippled the nation's economy. The only blessing that has saved the country from an economic meltdown is the fact that this country is still rich in natural resources and human power. It is a boring and redundant thing for me to write about this as it is an open and well known subject, however i do it for my own posterity, just to keep up to date as to what happened and is happening and will happen in the history of my Blogging.
It is the fasting month and so most Malay Muslims are a little bit more reserved and not so energetic from fasting which is a blessing as it helps to lower their confrontational spirit. The term 'amok' is originally from a Malay word, 'mengamuk' or to go berserk, on a rampage as what happened back in 1969 known as the May13th. Incident. Overall I must say that the Malays has wisen up to the reality of their lot as being bamboozled by the government that they believe was having their interest in mind. The Tsunami that swept the country's political landscape was a wake up call that is way long overdue for the Malays especially. It was not easy for them to accept the fact that very people they had put their trust and faith into were taking them to the cleaners financially. The turnover of GE14 and the New Government presiding has taken place in the nick of time to help save the Nation and especially the Malays.
Malaysians are a mixed up bunch and most are not highly educated and this is common to all races that makes up the country. Most carry the mentality of their cultural heritage which when expressed against one another can be very brutal and unforgiving. The racial tensions that existed between the three main races of Malays, Chinese and Indians has been an undertow that permeated most of Malaysian politics as the newly elected Prime Minister wrote, Malaysia sits on a time bomb that is ready to blow up anytime. It was a miracle that the GE14 ended up quite smoothly with the transition of government carried out without any incident. It is perhaps both sides were taken by surprise at the turnover and had no chance to react; everyone pretty much accepted the outcome as inevitable eventually.
Now the newly elected government is set on a course to reclaim as much as possible all the money that has been lifted out of the treasury and squandered by the various members of the previous government, money that is scattered all over the world or so it seems in all forms of clandestined transactions. The culprits headed by the deposed Prime Minister and his overly influential wife are being targeted for investigation by the various newly elected government agencies. The general public has become judge, jury and executioner on the Internet and every netizen has their grouse and their complains aired freely and sometimes without mercy. This is Malaysia, not unlike other countries under similar circumstances but with an overtone as racial tension is still buried not too deep below the surface. The accused of corruption are mostly the Malay politicians and the dog catchers are mostly Chinese, hence we have a conflict of interest in a sense when it comes to prosecution. The newly elected Finance Minister was the former Penang State Chief Minister who has gained the respect of both the Malays and the Chinese to some extent, however any overly enthusiastic display of bringing down the ex-Malay leadership could stir up new tensions among the Malays and Chinese. It would be a great shame to loose the momentum of a strong unity that has been forged by the GE14 simply because of an over zealous effort to get back at the Malays through ridiculing their leaders for whatever reasons.
The inherent strength of this Nation is in her multiplicity of social integration that has worked over the years since the Nation gained Independence from the British. The British had used the divide and rule system to control the people but over the years the people has been able to work together as a whole and achieved a better living standards that till this day is still moving towards a greater properity despite minor setbacks in the political arena. Malaysia Boleh! The slogan that Malaysians pride themselves with, that Malaysians can do it, has been and still is a calling for the people to rally for the sake of the Nation. Today Malaysians have turned the tide of History and is moving on towards a new horizon where all can enjoy the benefit of Pakatan Harapan or the Unity of Hope Party as the ruling party.
It is the fasting month and so most Malay Muslims are a little bit more reserved and not so energetic from fasting which is a blessing as it helps to lower their confrontational spirit. The term 'amok' is originally from a Malay word, 'mengamuk' or to go berserk, on a rampage as what happened back in 1969 known as the May13th. Incident. Overall I must say that the Malays has wisen up to the reality of their lot as being bamboozled by the government that they believe was having their interest in mind. The Tsunami that swept the country's political landscape was a wake up call that is way long overdue for the Malays especially. It was not easy for them to accept the fact that very people they had put their trust and faith into were taking them to the cleaners financially. The turnover of GE14 and the New Government presiding has taken place in the nick of time to help save the Nation and especially the Malays.
Malaysians are a mixed up bunch and most are not highly educated and this is common to all races that makes up the country. Most carry the mentality of their cultural heritage which when expressed against one another can be very brutal and unforgiving. The racial tensions that existed between the three main races of Malays, Chinese and Indians has been an undertow that permeated most of Malaysian politics as the newly elected Prime Minister wrote, Malaysia sits on a time bomb that is ready to blow up anytime. It was a miracle that the GE14 ended up quite smoothly with the transition of government carried out without any incident. It is perhaps both sides were taken by surprise at the turnover and had no chance to react; everyone pretty much accepted the outcome as inevitable eventually.
Now the newly elected government is set on a course to reclaim as much as possible all the money that has been lifted out of the treasury and squandered by the various members of the previous government, money that is scattered all over the world or so it seems in all forms of clandestined transactions. The culprits headed by the deposed Prime Minister and his overly influential wife are being targeted for investigation by the various newly elected government agencies. The general public has become judge, jury and executioner on the Internet and every netizen has their grouse and their complains aired freely and sometimes without mercy. This is Malaysia, not unlike other countries under similar circumstances but with an overtone as racial tension is still buried not too deep below the surface. The accused of corruption are mostly the Malay politicians and the dog catchers are mostly Chinese, hence we have a conflict of interest in a sense when it comes to prosecution. The newly elected Finance Minister was the former Penang State Chief Minister who has gained the respect of both the Malays and the Chinese to some extent, however any overly enthusiastic display of bringing down the ex-Malay leadership could stir up new tensions among the Malays and Chinese. It would be a great shame to loose the momentum of a strong unity that has been forged by the GE14 simply because of an over zealous effort to get back at the Malays through ridiculing their leaders for whatever reasons.
The inherent strength of this Nation is in her multiplicity of social integration that has worked over the years since the Nation gained Independence from the British. The British had used the divide and rule system to control the people but over the years the people has been able to work together as a whole and achieved a better living standards that till this day is still moving towards a greater properity despite minor setbacks in the political arena. Malaysia Boleh! The slogan that Malaysians pride themselves with, that Malaysians can do it, has been and still is a calling for the people to rally for the sake of the Nation. Today Malaysians have turned the tide of History and is moving on towards a new horizon where all can enjoy the benefit of Pakatan Harapan or the Unity of Hope Party as the ruling party.
Thursday, May 24, 2018
Why am I doing zit?
As always, it is good to be Home! I never felt more at home being alone in this apartment. My practice of not doing anything might be working. How? I think I have fully accept the fact that my mind does the bidding while I am in this realm of existence, No matter how much I listen to Baba Mooji or Krishnamurti, I am still swinging back and forth between the two extremes of the pendulum. If you fail to follow me it is okay, cause I am trying to understand it myself, so bear with me. Being Home is where the heart is, a common saying of ages, so be home if you wish to know your heart. Being at home anywhere you are in the moment in time and space is the mark of an awakened mind. Don't take my word for it, try, find out for yourself. I believe in practice there is the Middle Way of the Buddha, where the swing of the pendulum is less extreme and will slow down and come to a halt. Where the strings are not too tight nor too loose and all is attained effortlessly.
I wrote a comment on my group link, American Zen, " For so long as you breath in and out, you cannot escape duality." I will try to explain what I meant and welcome to correct me if I am wrong, be kind in sharing. The question is, how does one cease the dual thinking mind effortlessly? Like it is all natural this ability to remain in perfect silence, no-mind, or more like no thoughts, no absence of mind or thoughts, how does one can hold on to the breath ib between in and out. This space in between the in and out is where one can find no duality of mind or mental images. In meditation you practice the art of prolonging breath, but is also if not more in how long can you hold your breath effortlessly. Like a free diver with no tanks, how long before the oxygen narcosis hits home and the mind hallucinates;it forgets it is to breath until too late.
"Life is like a swinging door it is said,
It swings in when you breath in,
and swings out when you breath out,
Stop breathing and you are dead."
A comment I received about my post in American Zen Group on face book was interesting and intriguing. "
Food for thought nonetheless, Is my self discovery blogging too revealing for the general readers? Am I sharing more than I should? What I have shared so far of my out of the ordinary experiences in life is my way of fulfilling my Bodhisattva vow, it is for those who are awaken enough and stumble upon my blog through connectivity or the collective consciousness, I hope will help one or two to take that leap of faith from where they are and cross over or at the very least take that next step towards liberation as thought by all the ancient ones; lest they go to waste. I am at home with my status as a Blogger who has been Blogging for the over ten years, I love to ramble and my mind enjoys rambling; I cannot become a stone Buddha or a hermit in a cave, nor do i claim myself to know the answers as I am too looking for my original Buddha face.
I wrote a comment on my group link, American Zen, " For so long as you breath in and out, you cannot escape duality." I will try to explain what I meant and welcome to correct me if I am wrong, be kind in sharing. The question is, how does one cease the dual thinking mind effortlessly? Like it is all natural this ability to remain in perfect silence, no-mind, or more like no thoughts, no absence of mind or thoughts, how does one can hold on to the breath ib between in and out. This space in between the in and out is where one can find no duality of mind or mental images. In meditation you practice the art of prolonging breath, but is also if not more in how long can you hold your breath effortlessly. Like a free diver with no tanks, how long before the oxygen narcosis hits home and the mind hallucinates;it forgets it is to breath until too late.
"Life is like a swinging door it is said,
It swings in when you breath in,
and swings out when you breath out,
Stop breathing and you are dead."
A comment I received about my post in American Zen Group on face book was interesting and intriguing. "
 |
| Just a Mask I am wearing. |
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Wrapping up loose ends.at the Gulch
From all around comes the call to prayer from the three or four mosques close to this area, it is 5:45 am. and this means i stop eating and drinking among other things like no dirty or negative thoughts and no sexual activities; the fasting for the day commences. Sleep has eluded me all night long and so here I am emptying my mind onto the Blogging and fb entertainment. Back to the subject of Zen in America, I became a part of the Zen community in SF in the early eighties, 1984-85 or so and after that i kept in touch with the center at Green Gulch as much as I could until I left for Japan in March of 95. The Zen community at GG saved me from myself, I was on the road towards self destruction before I moved to Sf from Green Bay, Wisconsin. I had over stayed
my welcome in Green Bay where I had been living for eight years. I left the cold Wisconsin weather to join a Zen school in SF, I had no other intention than this and this is why I am passionate about Zen, especially the SF Zen community.
How did I reconcile taking up a Buddhist practice while being a Muslim? I never thought much about being anything to be honest, I simply lived my life day to day and there was no one there at the time to remind me that i am a Muslim. At Green Gulch I browsed over the subject with Ed Brown, one of my practice instructors at one of our Dokusan and Ed simply told me that if I had understood the Buddha's teachings I would not have a problem about bowing to the altar where the wooden statue of Manjushri sat. It was because I placed an image instead that i create the problem; what does it mean form is emptiness? He also said that if i wish to join the club i have to play by the rules. I played by the rules and sometimes I made my own rules which bent others out of shape as I went along. I was dubbed the 'disruptor' by a few of the students and teachers, but I had to unleash my emotions one way or another at times and so i rang the bells when i was not supposed to, allowed my libido free reign with the ladies who came to find peace and spiritual awakening; I lived my life with gusto like a divine madman. I had no future to look forward to and no one to cared for or cared for my well being until I found my friends at the Gulch. These fellow students and the few teacher that were there had saved my life as i was suicidal then. For this i am forever grateful to the Zen community at Green Gulch. I found peace and I found myself at least long enough to turn my life around. From a sickly man with a serious bout of pleurisy when I first entered the farm, I walked out a super hero ready to take on the world; and I did.
I found Love and I found confidence in myself through the many walks i took with my fellow students and the many talks that i had with my teachers. I understood what being compassionate was when i was allowed to be myself, letting go of who i was before i entered the community and adopting a more positive view of who i found out I could be. This turnaround could never have happened anywhere else and I realized more importantly that the Zen Community was a healing ground for all of us who were there each with our own pain and suffering and we who were there during this two year practice period helped to heal the community that was going through a crisis of identity; we nursed the Gulch back to life. In the word of old man George Wheelwright, "You boys and girls have brought the sunshine back to the valley!"
I am indebted to my practice teachers, including Paul Disco, Blanch Hartman and Ed brown and Norman and Cathy Fisher and Wendy Johnson and last but not least my good friend and brother in arms, Peter Rudnick, who through their patience and understanding have healed a splintered soul in me. I am indebted to my friend and fellow practice period students including David Lueck, Jim Abrams, and the rest for their support and encouragement throughout my practice. They had created a healer out of a patient, a Bodhisattva out of a messed up neurotic fool. It was my blessing to have made that journey to San francisco in search of Zen when I left Green Bay, Wisconsin and by the grace of all the lineage of the Soto Zen ancestors I am now a better person than i was, with four beautiful children, one of whom was conceived at the monastery...that is another story.
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
My Zen Experiences.
When I recited the Maka Hannya Haramita Shingyo or the Great Wisdom Beyond Wisdom, Heart Sutra in Japanese before a group of Japanese housewives who were waiting to pick up their children from the Yo Chien or kindergarten where my children too was attending, they flipped! One or two almost fell backwards with their eyes popping out. Soh Ka! The ladies out of curiosity were wondering if I could understand Japanese and so I decided to chant the heart Sutra to them and this was Zen! This was zen expressing itself to turn the universe upside down or at least a group of Japanese ladies who henceforth had a healthy respect for this Malaysian gaijin who could recite a sutra in Japanese that they could comprehend but could not do it themselves.
One evening after finishing the last set of white China bowls that were used for the soup at Green Gulch Zen Center, I was stumped by the sight of a white lotus of a thousand petals floating just above the green tray that they arranged in for the washing in the steam washer. I had washed all the dishes that had been used by some two hundred odd guests for the weekend at Green Gulch and I did it all by myself while wearing my black and white robes like a typical Zen monk, it was my moment of being in the now with no thoughts or ideas present except to carry out the task of washing dishes and the result at the end of the task was the white lotus that floats from the circular wash rack. As i stood looking at the surrealistic manifestation I noticed a figure standing on the other side of the table from also watching and as I looked at my teacher, Paul Disco, he bowed to me with his hands in Gassho and I did the same back and he said."Sometimes it happens, don't it?" I nodded and when I returned my gaze back to the flower I was staring at a rack of cleaned white heavy China bowls and Paul was drifting away out the door. I never told anyone of this incident but it freaked me out for a while in a very pleasant manner. This too was part of Zen Practice that is not to explainable as to why or how the mind works, but how it can be made to work.
One evening after almost five hours of nonstop weeding of rows of spinach along with my Japanese friend Tsuyoshi Miyoshi I ended up laying flat on my back in between two beds of the weeded spinach. My neck was laid across the handle of the Japanese weeder and my head hung tilted upwards and backwards looking at the sky and low hills behind me. The clouds were pure white and moving across from one corner to the other of the hill and all was silent. I turned my head slowly to look at the spinach bed and I saw baby plants growing out of the ground twisting and turning like in a time lapse documentary movie," You can never fully remove your thoughts, like weeds they will keep on growing and like white clouds in the sky you will have to let them go." I was rudely awakened from this reverie by my friend's fierst yell. "Buta!!" as he leaned upon his weeding hoe looking down at me with his big toothy bespectacled Japanese grin. This shout also known as 'Kia' was a practice between us to see who had stronger ki or chi and the word Buta simply means pig. Immediately after this episode both my Japanese brother and I marched into the Zendo or meditation hall and sat side by side in deep Zazen. We or at least, I never mentioned this to anyone till now.
At the end of a seven day sesshin held at Green Gulch there was held a gathering of poets from all over the west coast of the United States and it was in honor of Allen Ginsberg, the well known American poet and activist of the Hippie era. They came from all over the country filled up the Zendo that could hold over three hundred people if closely seated. I did not vacate my zafu even though the sesshin was officially over, I just sat there and listened to what was going on. At one end of the Zendo a panel of three people sat with Allen Ginsberg in the middle and if I remember it was Steven Levine and someone else I cannot remember. As the gathering was going on with people reciting their poems and so forth I sat and listened until at one point all sound disappeared and i was looking at a sea of faces. I felt my stomach acting up like i was going to let out a big fart and i almost panicked trying to hold it down for fear making a fool of myself.
Then I felt like a gurgling sensation of water or air rising from my lower abdomen and towards my throat and i fought myself trying not to throw up. Then as it rose to my mouth my I felt it forming words and escaping into the Zendo loud and clear. I was reciting the Surah Al Fatihah, the first surah of the Quran. A part of me was telling me I had done it, I was going insane reciting the Quran in the Zendo in front of over two hundred Americans but another part of me was the little boy that I was as I was being taught the Quran along with my childhood friends in my village back home in Malaysia; I was not scared, I was happy. The lines came out of me loud and clear and when it was over there was total silence, the gathered crowd was quiet. I looked up and my eyes was held by those of Allen Ginsberg who shouted at me from the end of the room where he was sitting, "You have to do it didn't you?!"
The whole meeting was over after that and as i was walking out of the Zendo along with the rest of the crowd I felt my arm being held and I thought to myself, this is it! I was in trouble. A young man whispered in my ear as he held my arm, the shortest verse in the Quran, the surah Ikhlas and when he was done he shook my hand and said hello, I am Gabriel, I am from Hungary. Then he was gone with the crowd and i was left stumped by this extraordinary incident. As i stepped out of the Zendo another gentleman grabbed my arm and this time i knew who it was. it was Bill Serling or Sterling a big guy of a lawyer who lived close by to the Gulch and came to the center every now and then. Bill and I became friends and it had nothing to do with Zen although his wife was at one time the abbot of Zen Center. Bill whispered to me, "Whatever it was you read in there, it was the showstopper, I greatly enjoyed it, thank you."
I was never ever chastised for my off the wall actions while i was at Green Gulch, not that I remember except a few dirty looks from those who never liked me being there in the first place. I was free to explore my deepest thoughts and feelings as I sat in Zazen and allow for myself to express these feelings as they arose and this was how i enjoyed living in a Zen Buddhist community for almost two years of my life. From the first day I entered the Monastery as a very sick man, physically, mentally and spiritually, till the day I was asked to leave I buried myself into a very in depth Buddhist practice, reading all i could lay my hands on about all the schools and sects of Buddhism and performing the rituals and ceremonies while sitting Zazen.
One evening after finishing the last set of white China bowls that were used for the soup at Green Gulch Zen Center, I was stumped by the sight of a white lotus of a thousand petals floating just above the green tray that they arranged in for the washing in the steam washer. I had washed all the dishes that had been used by some two hundred odd guests for the weekend at Green Gulch and I did it all by myself while wearing my black and white robes like a typical Zen monk, it was my moment of being in the now with no thoughts or ideas present except to carry out the task of washing dishes and the result at the end of the task was the white lotus that floats from the circular wash rack. As i stood looking at the surrealistic manifestation I noticed a figure standing on the other side of the table from also watching and as I looked at my teacher, Paul Disco, he bowed to me with his hands in Gassho and I did the same back and he said."Sometimes it happens, don't it?" I nodded and when I returned my gaze back to the flower I was staring at a rack of cleaned white heavy China bowls and Paul was drifting away out the door. I never told anyone of this incident but it freaked me out for a while in a very pleasant manner. This too was part of Zen Practice that is not to explainable as to why or how the mind works, but how it can be made to work.
One evening after almost five hours of nonstop weeding of rows of spinach along with my Japanese friend Tsuyoshi Miyoshi I ended up laying flat on my back in between two beds of the weeded spinach. My neck was laid across the handle of the Japanese weeder and my head hung tilted upwards and backwards looking at the sky and low hills behind me. The clouds were pure white and moving across from one corner to the other of the hill and all was silent. I turned my head slowly to look at the spinach bed and I saw baby plants growing out of the ground twisting and turning like in a time lapse documentary movie," You can never fully remove your thoughts, like weeds they will keep on growing and like white clouds in the sky you will have to let them go." I was rudely awakened from this reverie by my friend's fierst yell. "Buta!!" as he leaned upon his weeding hoe looking down at me with his big toothy bespectacled Japanese grin. This shout also known as 'Kia' was a practice between us to see who had stronger ki or chi and the word Buta simply means pig. Immediately after this episode both my Japanese brother and I marched into the Zendo or meditation hall and sat side by side in deep Zazen. We or at least, I never mentioned this to anyone till now.
At the end of a seven day sesshin held at Green Gulch there was held a gathering of poets from all over the west coast of the United States and it was in honor of Allen Ginsberg, the well known American poet and activist of the Hippie era. They came from all over the country filled up the Zendo that could hold over three hundred people if closely seated. I did not vacate my zafu even though the sesshin was officially over, I just sat there and listened to what was going on. At one end of the Zendo a panel of three people sat with Allen Ginsberg in the middle and if I remember it was Steven Levine and someone else I cannot remember. As the gathering was going on with people reciting their poems and so forth I sat and listened until at one point all sound disappeared and i was looking at a sea of faces. I felt my stomach acting up like i was going to let out a big fart and i almost panicked trying to hold it down for fear making a fool of myself.
Then I felt like a gurgling sensation of water or air rising from my lower abdomen and towards my throat and i fought myself trying not to throw up. Then as it rose to my mouth my I felt it forming words and escaping into the Zendo loud and clear. I was reciting the Surah Al Fatihah, the first surah of the Quran. A part of me was telling me I had done it, I was going insane reciting the Quran in the Zendo in front of over two hundred Americans but another part of me was the little boy that I was as I was being taught the Quran along with my childhood friends in my village back home in Malaysia; I was not scared, I was happy. The lines came out of me loud and clear and when it was over there was total silence, the gathered crowd was quiet. I looked up and my eyes was held by those of Allen Ginsberg who shouted at me from the end of the room where he was sitting, "You have to do it didn't you?!"
The whole meeting was over after that and as i was walking out of the Zendo along with the rest of the crowd I felt my arm being held and I thought to myself, this is it! I was in trouble. A young man whispered in my ear as he held my arm, the shortest verse in the Quran, the surah Ikhlas and when he was done he shook my hand and said hello, I am Gabriel, I am from Hungary. Then he was gone with the crowd and i was left stumped by this extraordinary incident. As i stepped out of the Zendo another gentleman grabbed my arm and this time i knew who it was. it was Bill Serling or Sterling a big guy of a lawyer who lived close by to the Gulch and came to the center every now and then. Bill and I became friends and it had nothing to do with Zen although his wife was at one time the abbot of Zen Center. Bill whispered to me, "Whatever it was you read in there, it was the showstopper, I greatly enjoyed it, thank you."
I was never ever chastised for my off the wall actions while i was at Green Gulch, not that I remember except a few dirty looks from those who never liked me being there in the first place. I was free to explore my deepest thoughts and feelings as I sat in Zazen and allow for myself to express these feelings as they arose and this was how i enjoyed living in a Zen Buddhist community for almost two years of my life. From the first day I entered the Monastery as a very sick man, physically, mentally and spiritually, till the day I was asked to leave I buried myself into a very in depth Buddhist practice, reading all i could lay my hands on about all the schools and sects of Buddhism and performing the rituals and ceremonies while sitting Zazen.
Monday, May 21, 2018
My take on American Zen.
My impression of the San Francisco Zen Community initially was that it was like a jealously guarded institution that only allows for the White Anglo Saxon and Jewish membership only. Off course I was turned away from the San Francisco Zen Center at 300, Page Street when I approached the place to seek shelter for the night. I had just arrived from Green Bay Wisconsin and had only one intention and that was to join a Zen Buddhist school. I had no way of turning back had it not worked out as I had burned all my bridges behind me in Green Bay where I had been for over eight years.I said my goodbyes and was given a good ridden by many and I had only enough cash to see me on the plane to SF International Airport with a backpack and a portfolio of Art works I had done while at college which I had hope to find a buyer or two to keep me alive. I was naive to have thought that i could have survived on what little I had with me, but I was also determined to face the inevitable.
When I first walked into 300 Page Street after having walked all the way from Golden Gate Park, I was confronted by a big bald headed guy reading a NewsPaper or pretended to. I was being brushed off and I knew it and the very same man ten years later was one of the Zen Center who came and saw my family moved to Japan from SF. I looked into the Meditation Hall and told myself, I will be back and i will leave my mark in this place and I did. A Year or so later I helped Paul Disco the Master Japanese style carpentry build a rostrum for the Abbot's inauguration. Paul was my instructor and rrab Anderson was the Inaugurated Abbot of SF Zen Community. How did this happen, it's long story and has been written in my Blog somewhere. I never did like the 'City Center' very much and prefered to be practicing at Green Gulch Zen Community, where I stayed for almost two years; it changed my life. I learned to adapt to all the prejudices and the narrow minded politics of the community and i became what they called 'the disruptor', the one who shook the tree by the roots to wake up the whole Zen community from the stupor of having to live with Baker Roshi's sexual fiasco. It was me way of healing the wounded spirit of a Zen community, I was the divine madman and I was the Cheeseburger Buddha. Needless to say i was never popular with the hoity toity straight faced members of the community especially those who have grown so attached to the place that any new faces was a threat to their status. I was more than a new face, i was a colored guy from God knows where and I don't seem to fit in for some odd reason. All the while I was a student at SF Zen center i knew of only one other colored man and he was an African American.
Most of the American Zen students that I came to know of while being a student myself were genuine and sincere truth seekers who were on the road to find out. They were young and most had a life before they entered the monastery but due to whatever reason life did not work out and thus they sought a change and most changed by the time they left the practice as I did. When you have a taste of zen cooking you are never the same, no matter how jaded you are your life will be affected for better or worse, however, it is if you are genuinely seeking for an answer.The key to Zen teaching is the sitting meditation practice or Zazen. It is simple and yet it is very profound like n other practice that i can think of, not even praying. I know this for now because I am a Muslim and tries to pray five time a day. Sitting and facing the wall for 45 minutes or an hour at a time is a very tedious and demanding activity that places the mind in check. Zazen focuses solely on the breath and nothing else, try it.
When I first walked into 300 Page Street after having walked all the way from Golden Gate Park, I was confronted by a big bald headed guy reading a NewsPaper or pretended to. I was being brushed off and I knew it and the very same man ten years later was one of the Zen Center who came and saw my family moved to Japan from SF. I looked into the Meditation Hall and told myself, I will be back and i will leave my mark in this place and I did. A Year or so later I helped Paul Disco the Master Japanese style carpentry build a rostrum for the Abbot's inauguration. Paul was my instructor and rrab Anderson was the Inaugurated Abbot of SF Zen Community. How did this happen, it's long story and has been written in my Blog somewhere. I never did like the 'City Center' very much and prefered to be practicing at Green Gulch Zen Community, where I stayed for almost two years; it changed my life. I learned to adapt to all the prejudices and the narrow minded politics of the community and i became what they called 'the disruptor', the one who shook the tree by the roots to wake up the whole Zen community from the stupor of having to live with Baker Roshi's sexual fiasco. It was me way of healing the wounded spirit of a Zen community, I was the divine madman and I was the Cheeseburger Buddha. Needless to say i was never popular with the hoity toity straight faced members of the community especially those who have grown so attached to the place that any new faces was a threat to their status. I was more than a new face, i was a colored guy from God knows where and I don't seem to fit in for some odd reason. All the while I was a student at SF Zen center i knew of only one other colored man and he was an African American.
Most of the American Zen students that I came to know of while being a student myself were genuine and sincere truth seekers who were on the road to find out. They were young and most had a life before they entered the monastery but due to whatever reason life did not work out and thus they sought a change and most changed by the time they left the practice as I did. When you have a taste of zen cooking you are never the same, no matter how jaded you are your life will be affected for better or worse, however, it is if you are genuinely seeking for an answer.The key to Zen teaching is the sitting meditation practice or Zazen. It is simple and yet it is very profound like n other practice that i can think of, not even praying. I know this for now because I am a Muslim and tries to pray five time a day. Sitting and facing the wall for 45 minutes or an hour at a time is a very tedious and demanding activity that places the mind in check. Zazen focuses solely on the breath and nothing else, try it.
The Way of American Zen.
American Zen, the group is called on fb, I just joined the group recently following and advice by my friend Fadzly Mubin who I had visited in Kota Bharu a few weeks back. The group is made up of old farts like me perhaps younger and had had a run in with a touch of Zen school of Buddhism exported from Japan and imported into the United States by the early teachers of philosophy and religions like D.T. Suzuki, Madame Blavatsky, to the present lineages of teachers of the various Zen Schools in America. The two main Zen schools being The Rinzai and the Soto Zen and I was a student of both the Rinzai and the Soto schools. My first Zen and Yoga instructor was Dennis Junpo Kelly now the Abbot of the Hollow Bone Zen lineage of the Rinzai Zen School. I have written of my life with Dennis too many times in the past in this Blog , so I will skip the details.
As most of my relationships with those who were closest to me, my relationship wit h Dennis and His Roshi, Eido Shimano Roshi cama to a bad end to say the least. I must have written this episode a few times in my blog too so read if you who read to find out the dots and dashes that makes all the connections in my search for my self discovery. I am just a mixed up kid, singing ruddy toot toot to the moon while on the road to find out. Never did I claim to be any better or worse than the next guy but i can safely claim to have lived, eat, sleep shit the Zen life for about two years of my life and then some when I moved to Japan and live for three years in Sendai. There I was a very close to a priest of the Shingon school of Buddhism and through his lifestyle with his wife and children and how he behaves with others I was exposed to the life of Shingon Buddhism. It has elements of Shintoism the original Japanese spiritual practice.
Zen is to me the Way of the Samurai Warrior and the Tea Masters and Haiku poets, who gave a deeper meaning to the ordinary everyday life of the lay people. It is through these major practices of discipline that Zen was mostly propagated. The ceremonial and traditional practices of the Zen Schools mimics the Way or the Warrior and the Tea Ceremony, this is the mutation of the culture and the original religion or Buddhism. Buddhism evolved from the center of origin, where the Buddha taught in Lumbini, Kapalivastu and so forth: Zen is at the tail end of Buddhism geographically speaking. If one were to compare Art to Zen, it would be like in Zen, Buddhism is experienced and expressed in its most abstract form. Abstract Art = Abstract Buddhism. Some may call Zen an agnostic Buddhism just as Sufi is to Islam. As Islam expands from its centrifugal center in Mecca and Medina, it too evolves towards something new mostly influenced by culture and tradition. However the essence of the both teachings remains intact as one retract inwards towards the original center and discover the truth of the matter, the reality as it presents to you, you become awakened, in the form of Satori or Samadhi or Ultimate consciousness or being Graced by the Creator. Pick your choice, your belief system, your faith and your own Buddha Nature. The Koan has been shattered, the mind has been quietened and in the Here and Now you are who you choose yourself to be knowing that , and this too shall pass.
The next round you might be a devout Shaivite Hindu priest of the brahmin caste and you find yourself giving satsangs and dashan to your fellow humans on the banks of the Ganga, no problem, you most probably have the Vedas and Upanishads memorized word for word and you can perform all the poojas and sacrifices like you were born for it; just do it. Whether you play the sitar or the Koto, the guitar or the banjo, you play like there is nothing else in life worth doing than to play. This is how the samurai stands and faces his foes, with the clarity of mind that cannot afford any doubt, or the tea master performs his Char No Yu or tea ceremony for his Lord and Daimyo especially before every battle and the Haiku master captures it all in a very short and terse verse of a Haiku.
'Haiku, a Japanese poem of seventeen syllables, in three lines of five, seven, and five, traditionally evoking images of the natural world.'
My first exposure to Zen was when I stumbled upon a book written by Allen Watts entitled 'The Way of Zen', and I discovered this book while working as a librarian at the UWGB. It was while reading this book one evening at a Mac Donald's that I had my realization of myself being a Cheeseburger Buddha. I have written this episode perhaps again several times in the past and so for details the interested reader can browse the Blog. Alan Watts was one of the foremost exponent of Zen teachings in America. His lifestyle and his deep understanding the Eastern religions and philosophies was a major contributor towards the understanding of Zen and the Western mind.
As most of my relationships with those who were closest to me, my relationship wit h Dennis and His Roshi, Eido Shimano Roshi cama to a bad end to say the least. I must have written this episode a few times in my blog too so read if you who read to find out the dots and dashes that makes all the connections in my search for my self discovery. I am just a mixed up kid, singing ruddy toot toot to the moon while on the road to find out. Never did I claim to be any better or worse than the next guy but i can safely claim to have lived, eat, sleep shit the Zen life for about two years of my life and then some when I moved to Japan and live for three years in Sendai. There I was a very close to a priest of the Shingon school of Buddhism and through his lifestyle with his wife and children and how he behaves with others I was exposed to the life of Shingon Buddhism. It has elements of Shintoism the original Japanese spiritual practice.
Zen is to me the Way of the Samurai Warrior and the Tea Masters and Haiku poets, who gave a deeper meaning to the ordinary everyday life of the lay people. It is through these major practices of discipline that Zen was mostly propagated. The ceremonial and traditional practices of the Zen Schools mimics the Way or the Warrior and the Tea Ceremony, this is the mutation of the culture and the original religion or Buddhism. Buddhism evolved from the center of origin, where the Buddha taught in Lumbini, Kapalivastu and so forth: Zen is at the tail end of Buddhism geographically speaking. If one were to compare Art to Zen, it would be like in Zen, Buddhism is experienced and expressed in its most abstract form. Abstract Art = Abstract Buddhism. Some may call Zen an agnostic Buddhism just as Sufi is to Islam. As Islam expands from its centrifugal center in Mecca and Medina, it too evolves towards something new mostly influenced by culture and tradition. However the essence of the both teachings remains intact as one retract inwards towards the original center and discover the truth of the matter, the reality as it presents to you, you become awakened, in the form of Satori or Samadhi or Ultimate consciousness or being Graced by the Creator. Pick your choice, your belief system, your faith and your own Buddha Nature. The Koan has been shattered, the mind has been quietened and in the Here and Now you are who you choose yourself to be knowing that , and this too shall pass.
The next round you might be a devout Shaivite Hindu priest of the brahmin caste and you find yourself giving satsangs and dashan to your fellow humans on the banks of the Ganga, no problem, you most probably have the Vedas and Upanishads memorized word for word and you can perform all the poojas and sacrifices like you were born for it; just do it. Whether you play the sitar or the Koto, the guitar or the banjo, you play like there is nothing else in life worth doing than to play. This is how the samurai stands and faces his foes, with the clarity of mind that cannot afford any doubt, or the tea master performs his Char No Yu or tea ceremony for his Lord and Daimyo especially before every battle and the Haiku master captures it all in a very short and terse verse of a Haiku.
'Haiku, a Japanese poem of seventeen syllables, in three lines of five, seven, and five, traditionally evoking images of the natural world.'
My first exposure to Zen was when I stumbled upon a book written by Allen Watts entitled 'The Way of Zen', and I discovered this book while working as a librarian at the UWGB. It was while reading this book one evening at a Mac Donald's that I had my realization of myself being a Cheeseburger Buddha. I have written this episode perhaps again several times in the past and so for details the interested reader can browse the Blog. Alan Watts was one of the foremost exponent of Zen teachings in America. His lifestyle and his deep understanding the Eastern religions and philosophies was a major contributor towards the understanding of Zen and the Western mind.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
My largest paintings -in Dubai
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| I was asked to paint a mural on my son's living room wall at the Manafel tower in Dubai where he was living while flying for Emirates Air. It was a challenge i could not resist and i chose to paint a winter scene as the whole Dubai area was once a desert. It took me about a week as there was no pressure to finish it on time and I enjoyed the work tremendously. |
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| It was physically demanding as i had to work in all manners of position from the floor on up but it was well worth the discomfort. |
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| When completed it was quite a scene to behold and it did help for the feeling of being in a different climate while chilling in the living room. I was aked to do the same on two other walls in the building belonging to my son's buddies. They kept me occupied while my stay in Dubai. No this is not my first born, this is his closest buddy Tarik from Lebanon a Flight Captain for the Emirate Air. (at the time). |
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| By joining together a group of canves of different sizes I was able to paint this piece for my friend Steve another Emirate Captain. I twas done so it could be removed easily and transported when the owner moves. |
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| The idea was mooted and mounting of the canvases were Steve's idea. I did two such painting for hi. and last I saw they hung in his home at the Falcon City Villas, Dubai. I hope that by sharing such trivial I might break the seriousness of my entries lately.. I tend to get all spiritual and religious at this time fo the year - The Month of Ramadan. |
Friday, May 18, 2018
The perfect Soul.
Today begins the Fasting Month of Ramadan and this year it will be a greater challenge as I am home alone only with the cat, she does not fast. This morning before the Fajr prayer i prayed six rakats of Tahajjud or non mandatory prayer and did some man to God talking with the Lord. I acknowledged the fact that I was never a good Muslim and perhaps still is, however during this month of Ramadan i promised to do my best to observe it fully and it is 2;30 pm. and my head is beginning to throb and my stomach is wondering what is happening.
The fasting month is something that sets Islam apart from Buddhism in practice and it is not an easy act to follow as it is very demanding on th body and mind. When you couple this with the extra prayers that is carried out in the evening called Tarawih, the practice can be exhausting. What it does to the mind is something worth observing and not to mention of what it does to the body and spirit. In islam it is said somewhere that Allah when asked what can be done to contain 'nafs' or the ego if it might be called that, and the answer is fasting. In fasting one does not only cleanse the physical and mental dimension of our being it also helps us to become more aware of those suffering due to poverty and starvation; it triggers our compassion towards the suffering of others, Thirst and hunger becomes a reality and not just a perception, each and every thought becomes a mirror of who we are and who we choose to become.
It is not due to the threat of punishment in the afterlife that should concern us as Buddhist or Muslims, it is in how we live our life today and our presence benefits creation itself. We are placed here not by chance or an accident, we are placed here to play our roles as we see fit for the well being of ourselves and that of others and through our relationship to the external physical and spiritual realm we discover our own true Being or Buddha Nature. The fear of death or the afterlife is in being ignorant of who we truly are and how we can become the perfect man or woman as created in the image of our creator, bearing the attributes as in the 99 Beautiful Names of Allah, or the Asma al Husna of Allah. To become of evolve into becoming the perfect soul or al insan kamil that all beings strive to achieve or the Tathagata Buddha as the Buddhist would have it,
Tathāgata (Sanskrit: [t̪əˈt̪ʰɑːɡət̪ə]) is a Pali and Sanskrit word; GotamaBuddha uses it when referring to himself in the Pāli Canon. The term is often thought to mean either "one who has thus gone" (tathā-gata) or "one who has thus come" (tathā-āgata).
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Today more and more non-Muslims are fasting during the month of Ramadan as part of their spiritual experience and the understanding of Islam in its practice. When you fast collectively there is a sense of belonging, a sense of camaraderie of kindred spirit and the thirst and hunger becomes secondary. It is no doubt the surest way towards getting to know your self a whole lot better.
The fasting month is something that sets Islam apart from Buddhism in practice and it is not an easy act to follow as it is very demanding on th body and mind. When you couple this with the extra prayers that is carried out in the evening called Tarawih, the practice can be exhausting. What it does to the mind is something worth observing and not to mention of what it does to the body and spirit. In islam it is said somewhere that Allah when asked what can be done to contain 'nafs' or the ego if it might be called that, and the answer is fasting. In fasting one does not only cleanse the physical and mental dimension of our being it also helps us to become more aware of those suffering due to poverty and starvation; it triggers our compassion towards the suffering of others, Thirst and hunger becomes a reality and not just a perception, each and every thought becomes a mirror of who we are and who we choose to become.
It is not due to the threat of punishment in the afterlife that should concern us as Buddhist or Muslims, it is in how we live our life today and our presence benefits creation itself. We are placed here not by chance or an accident, we are placed here to play our roles as we see fit for the well being of ourselves and that of others and through our relationship to the external physical and spiritual realm we discover our own true Being or Buddha Nature. The fear of death or the afterlife is in being ignorant of who we truly are and how we can become the perfect man or woman as created in the image of our creator, bearing the attributes as in the 99 Beautiful Names of Allah, or the Asma al Husna of Allah. To become of evolve into becoming the perfect soul or al insan kamil that all beings strive to achieve or the Tathagata Buddha as the Buddhist would have it,
Tathāgata (Sanskrit: [t̪əˈt̪ʰɑːɡət̪ə]) is a Pali and Sanskrit word; GotamaBuddha uses it when referring to himself in the Pāli Canon. The term is often thought to mean either "one who has thus gone" (tathā-gata) or "one who has thus come" (tathā-āgata).
Tathāgata - Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tathāgata
In Islamic theology, al-Insān al-Kāmil (Arabic: الإنسان الكامل) also rendered as Insān-i Kāmil (Persian/Urdu: انسان کامل) and İnsan-ı Kâmil (Turkish), is a term used as an honorific title to describe the prophet Muhammad. The phrase means "the person who has reached perfection,"[1] literally "the complete person." It is an important concept in Islamic culture of the prototype human being, pure consciousness, one's true identity, to be contrasted with the material human who is bound by one's senses and materialism. The term was originally used by Sunni Sufis and is still used by them, however it is also used by Alawis and Alevis.[2] This idea is based upon a hadith,[2] which was used by Ibn Arabi, that states about Prophet Muhammad, 'I was a prophet when Adam was between water and clay'.[3]
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Today more and more non-Muslims are fasting during the month of Ramadan as part of their spiritual experience and the understanding of Islam in its practice. When you fast collectively there is a sense of belonging, a sense of camaraderie of kindred spirit and the thirst and hunger becomes secondary. It is no doubt the surest way towards getting to know your self a whole lot better.
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Heaven or Hell?
It is not that in Buddhism there is no heaven or hell, it is just a matter of what culture and environment the Way was being propagated in history since the time of the Buddha. As Buddha's teaching geographically evolved and expanded the Way takes own new forms and images that were inherent to the related culture or society. Primarily it is my understanding that man creates his own pain and suffering and thus his own heaven and hell throughout his life. Govern by thoughts, man becomes attached to his thought created forms and images of himself in relationship to his environment and this has become the trap that keeps him in bondage to this physical realm of existence.
For a Muslim Christians and jews for that matter, there is not much choice, it is a matter of heaven or hell when your journey is over, or so it seems. Follow the religious doctrines and precepts, do good and avoid evil and all will be well for you. It is said in the Quran if I am not mistaken that man and jinn were created for the sole purpose of worshipping the All Mighty Creator, Allah for the Muslims. Man is given free will to make the choice to obey or go against the Lord's command and the outcome will be the same, you do good you go to heaven otherwise you end up in hell. What if I refuse to accept heaven or hell? What if I decide that I can make the third choice of returning to the source, to God directly; from Him I came to Him I return. I have to be judged no doubt for all my sins and transgressions or so it seems, however, if it has all been preordained and if it is all God's Will that my existence is what it is, what difference does it makes.
The difference is in the fact that I live in fear, in pain and suffering from the day I was born till the day I die, with breaks in between times for some simple pleasure, so i can say that life is worth living and often followed by, and this too will pass as nothing last forever especially thought generated ideas and concepts. Islam is a religion of the afterlife as this life is but a temporary visit for man and God through His hosts of angels and demons, through His infinite Mercy and the yen for testing His slave for his piety and faith has placed man on this earth to taste suffering and bliss, pain and pleasure, to make choices that dictates the future status in the afterlife; heaven or hell.
To be contd.
Thus, to be liberated from this cycle of life-death and rebirth,one has to look deeply where thoughts originates or ceases to be. Where silence prevails, where the mind is quiet; it is here sometimes one catches a glimpse of what is liberation or absolute freedom. A man with a fully cluttered mind will never come close to this self realization as the activity of the mind creates a barrier or a veil hiding the truth behind thought formations. The impermanence of thought processes and its delusional imagery causes suffering for those lost in their own thought formations; hell becomes real and heaven is something to grab a whole of. Thus the seeking and yearning for spiritual awakening in this course of our lifetime, to live and die in vain. The Buddha is said to have said," In this human form, ultimate liberation is possible, do not waste time!"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. It is founded on our thoughts. It is made up of our thoughts. If one speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows one, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the wagon.All that we are is the result of what we have thought. It is founded on our thoughts. It is made up of our thoughts. If one speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows one, like a shadow that never leaves.(Dhammapada 1-2 / Müller & Maguire, 2002.)
For a Muslim Christians and jews for that matter, there is not much choice, it is a matter of heaven or hell when your journey is over, or so it seems. Follow the religious doctrines and precepts, do good and avoid evil and all will be well for you. It is said in the Quran if I am not mistaken that man and jinn were created for the sole purpose of worshipping the All Mighty Creator, Allah for the Muslims. Man is given free will to make the choice to obey or go against the Lord's command and the outcome will be the same, you do good you go to heaven otherwise you end up in hell. What if I refuse to accept heaven or hell? What if I decide that I can make the third choice of returning to the source, to God directly; from Him I came to Him I return. I have to be judged no doubt for all my sins and transgressions or so it seems, however, if it has all been preordained and if it is all God's Will that my existence is what it is, what difference does it makes.
The difference is in the fact that I live in fear, in pain and suffering from the day I was born till the day I die, with breaks in between times for some simple pleasure, so i can say that life is worth living and often followed by, and this too will pass as nothing last forever especially thought generated ideas and concepts. Islam is a religion of the afterlife as this life is but a temporary visit for man and God through His hosts of angels and demons, through His infinite Mercy and the yen for testing His slave for his piety and faith has placed man on this earth to taste suffering and bliss, pain and pleasure, to make choices that dictates the future status in the afterlife; heaven or hell.
To be contd.
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
Making sense out of more nonsense.- 1
In Islam it came to my knowledge that there is such a state as 'fana.'
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