How to stay in the Now.

I picked up my car from the repair shop after almost two months since tha accident, the body job looks great but the engine does not sound the same anymore and as i was driving here to the USM Gallery the car stalled on me at the Gelugor Roundabout. Nope not the same car anymore and as to be expected i suppose. The Museum Gallery and its Staff too are going through some changes with new faces and renovations and so i will need to find a new place to work from soon snough. My artistic creative output is being put on hold as i have run out of juice or inspiration to do any work. t

I have decided to work with the shots I took of a street side 'Sunday Market' which I happened by while travelling in North Sumatra someityme in 2004 . These pictures were taken with my digital camera an olympus and they came out quite good. I like to capture people in these circumstances doing their daily activites. Capturing their colorful cloathings and their natural postures from varuious angles makes it a n interesting composition.

Lightung also plays a vital role for me when I take a snapshot as it enhances the compostion by rpoviding strong contrasts of the colors and shapes.

good company of friends like i used to have in the past, those who were of simmilar energetic thinkers and movers, those who were creative and aggressive when it comes to making things happen, those who force one to think and act with their charisma. Maybe this too is an indication of the aging process part and parcel of getting older well if it is then I will have to change my plans and start looking into more drastic solutions towards making my future more challenging and less tedious, like start my painting on a grand scale for my upcoming shows. Get off my arse and start l;ooking into things that I have put off eversince my car was hit. My sabattical is over, back to work and time to give em Hell!

What's Happening?

I have been taking it easy or kind of forced to be laid back due to the lack of transportation and financial constraints, hence my long break from updating my blog. i know i am writing pretty much to myself like most who began keeping a blog years back, however i find the exersise pretty rewarding especially in my ability to type out the words alot faster than i used to and with lesser and lesser errors in spelling and gramar. I enjoy getting my thoughts across the net zone into the no man's land of universal consiousness ans sometimes when someone writes a response it is a pleasant surprise. Yes I do miss writing for the last few weeks and i do feel guilty for not keeping my blog updated.

Much of my time is spent at home hanging out with my two children mostly watching DVDs movies a few of them for the sixth or seventh time while at the same adding a bad influence on my son who has become a DVD addict, but i dont really mind as i much rathe he becomes a movie eddict than a dope addict and he is with me at home most of the time. My daughter has got the book reading bug just like her dad and is often in her room buried in some novels, thank God! I have stopped worrying too much about their future as i am beginning to see that their future is where they are at and it ain't too bad. By my being able to hang out with them most of the time I am beginning to see the wisdom of what it means to spend quality time with the kids although quality time is relative to each parent and i do it my own way mostly teaching and preaching, nagging and bribing, threatening and awarding accordingly. I find the most effective lesson is that I set the example by living my life as i choose to and they are welcome to pick up on what or how i deal with my life. Not all that i do may be examplary but I do my best to become a good role model to my children.

The last few weeks deprived of my car due to the accident has allowed me some time to be away from my on going art projects at the University Gallery and this is good because i was running out of enthusiasm and original ideas. I have opted to focus my mind on enhancing my spiritual practices and getting to know myself up close and peronal in relation to my Creator. Alot of Zikhr and meditation and attempts at fulfilling my five times a day of solat or obligatory prayers. Staying up most nights reading or meditating and performing the sunat or tahjut prayers I find myself feeling a little less rattled by what life is dishing out at me and my family. It is okay! It could be worse but thank the AlMighty that we are not in Miyammar or the earthquake region in China, or we could have been Afganistan or the hot spots in the middle east or Africa!...nope, we are in Malaysia where the weather is getting all ixed up and the biggest concern right now is that the Durian trees are not producing like they should this year and the biggest national concern is that Dr. M has left the UMNO party because 'they will not listen to his words anymore'. Malaysians are being entertained by by an ongoing politcal drama played by all the political leaders who has anything or nothing to contribute towards the nation's wellbeing while the food prices are rising and country is facing an economic woes ahead. In other countries famous actors like Philipine's Ex President Estrada, or Arnold Schwartzenegar the Governor or California becomes political heads while in Malaysia political leaders are becoming characters for the 'Bangsawan' or Soap operas.These days there are a great deal of opposition and alot less propositon and it seems like the country is becoming one big stage production where the actors and directors cannot get their acts together.

The common folks in the meantime are getting sucked into the production like unpaid extras watching form sidelines how their favorite heroes and villains fare out in this whole mess. The poor and the needy will have to wait for the curtains to be raised and the play finally being figured out as to who does what and gets what done. The Malaysian Political scene is a thing of beauty as far governments goes as very few governments in the world has such intricate combination of scenarios being put to play out. Racial, religious, cultural and a latest addition of the rulers and their parts is now a part and parcel of the script. Then there are the scandals and the corruptions, the disgruntled and the opportunists who are waiting for their turns to take a bite at the present ruling party. In all this there stands the PM always with his innocent doleful smile taking all the punches left and right with the patience and perseverence of the Prophet, Pak lah will always be my hero, he is my Mr.Deeds and Bill Gates, he is the Mahatma and Nelson Mandella all roled into one. Pak Lah is not a weak manager or CEO but hes has very poor and non functioning entities behind him in whom he has mistakenly laid his trust. Those who he has trusted has sold him out honoring their own selfish intrests and not carrying out his mandates as he had envisioned when he took over the role of the PM. So, please people stop blaming the man! He is only one man and he believed in himself but he also had to believe in those he had chosen to work under him and they let him take the fall for a failed election why?
Take a closer look I say at all those fingers pointing at this man especially the longest and oldest finger or the former PM is it clean? Is he so confident in his righteousness that he is ready to meet his Maker and declare that he is right and that Pak Lah should step down like He says? Who does he has in his mind to take over as the next PM? The present DPM another very clean figure with no skeletons to hide in his sarong? Or the former DPM the avenging angel waiting in the dackground for the moment to step into the limelight and take his proper place as the nations leader yet another squeky clean character with charisma and all. With all due respect towards all these characters I still believe Pak Lah for all his accused of weaknesses, is still lesser of all the evils that are prowling within and without the Parliament building. I trust in him because they say he is weak and I trust in him because he is naive and innocent in many ways I'd much rather trust a man I can predict than those that are too embroiled into themselves that it is hard to figure out what the hell they are thingking or up to.
if there is any change to be made I hope Pak Lah will continue on to weed out all those characters who are not performig to his expectations and the Nation's interest even those from within his own team especially those within his own team, even if it means sacking his own son in law if need be. Most of the weeding is already done for him in the past election and the thorns in his side were mostly removed by the people's choice but there are still those that are hiding behind his leniency and gentle character and thes whoever they are are more dangerous than the opposition leaders. The people still love Pak Lah, in the coffee shops and the streets but they want to see him put down his foot a little harder so that it can reverberate across the Parliamentary floor. Bring the curtain down Pak lah it is time and the hell with being right or wrong just act out what your heart feels the people will be right behind you and they matter more than those who are closest to you in the cabinet.

I shook Pak Lah's hand bwefore he became the PM in Kuala trengganu when along with Dato Idris Jusoh and Dato'Zainol Ariff were delivering their first meet the people address at the Primula Hotel. The first question asked of him was, "Pak Lah, Orang melayu Pulau Pinang tak boleh nak jage macham mane nok jage orang Melayu Trengannu?" Or Pak Lah, if you cannot take care of the malays in Penang how do you expect to take care of the Trengganu Malays? All three panelists were dumpstruck by the rudeness and the blunt truth of the question and i stood to answer the question just to save their faces and break the ice. Today as i had shaken the man's hand before i still feel like he is and ok guy but he needs all the help he can get and help is not what he is getting as most of those whose swore to carryout his mandates are wolves in sheepskins taking advantage of a sincere and honorable character. May Allah rolong his status and may Hu help him to deliver this nation is her troubled times.

It's None of my business

The world is boiling down to a food crisis, shortage of natural resources, major natural disasters and i am worried about my son watching too much movies on CDs and DVDs and not willing to study for his upcoming exam. A man killed himself in his car by carbon monoxide inhalation leaving a note saying that he had enough of life in yesterday's News papers and chld prostitute declared that she could entertain seven clienst a day and make some tewnty five thousand Ringgit a month tax free. I am at the Penang State Library and a young Chinese lady sitting at the next cubicle is seriously studying her physics like her future depends on it. The country is rolling in a political turmoil and the drama being played out by politicians at the parliament has become one of the top TV entertainment only second to World Wrestling Federation series. Its no more mud slinging or character bashing, it has now come down to head bashing and throat slitting or just about downright balls kicking.

So what else is new? What else would make a difference? Would a WW3 make any difference to help to make us see ourselves through a cleare vision of where this humanity is headed or do we even care? Whaetever happened to the " look at the positive side of a man, or a politician or a turn the other cheek kind of philosophy, whatever happened to satiagraha or the do unto others law of humanity? Our long line of prophets and saints our men of sciences and creative thinkers are now probably turning over in their graves just from witnessing how bad a shape mankind is in today leading itself towards self destruction. The ancient greeks would most probably weep at the manner in which the Olympic flame was being smuggled from one country to another before it finally reached its destination, while the Tibetan Lamas and Tulkus of bygone era sit in deep contamplation over the fate of the Vajrayana stronghold of the Lord Buddha in the moutainous region of the world, are these the signs of time? The turn of Kalachakra, the death throws of the Kali Yuga, the beginning of the End of Days as prophesised in religious revelations, if so what can Pak Lah do about it?

Pak Lah may not be able to stemm off the beginning of the 'End of Days', no sir Pak lah has got krpla Singh and Anwar Ibrahim to reckon with whilt trying very hard to keep UMNO and the rest of the Barisan Nasional from sinking into Political History. Pak Lah. So What if the Nation has a little bit of political unrest or that there may of may not be a shortage of nasi Dagang in Kuala Trengganu? Malaysians are still a lucky bunch with no major earthquakes or volcanic activities to worry about and there is always an ample surply of firewood from the forest nearby and plenty of fish from the nearby rivers polluted as they may be, Malaysians are doing OK by a long shot and we will most probably survive this wave of negative events sweeping the globe and would still be able to play good samaritan towards our not so friendly neighbor Miyamar now that the country has got a greater problem than just having a bunch of Millitary Generals running the country clean to the bones. Yes we Malaysians have go to realize that we have it made and that despite of what our heroic politicians have to do or say for us or about us, deep down we know we will ride this wave out just as we did the last Tsunami for God is on our side. This is one of the countries that can safely say the we have the most number of Gods being worshipped or are watching over us. This is the good thing about living in a Multi- Racial country!
With Blogging becoming the buzz word of the day among our politicians and the power that be and much interest is being given into how to curb and control this medium of expression it is time to move on into better and more secure mode of sharing my thoughts with myself. It is strange how someone at the end of the day or some institution or power will always assume that evertything and anything should and aught to be places in their field of control. Control is the antithesis of the freedom of expression or freedom, Period! Stop singing 'Born Free!', the only thing that is free is and worth doing these days is mental masturbation and even that with the encroachment of the Lords of Control into our minds we might just have to curb our thoughts. Let politicians into anything and they think they own you, they will soon come to believ that God had elected them to play Deities on this planet making decisions over human lives while at the same time taking everyone for a ride. The worse are those that assume extra intelligence over others having the ability to manipulate and exploit any given situation or circumstances, corrupted beyond reason and matining tha belief that they are immune from the devine justice. When God created hell He created a special place for hypocrates, now he has added another spot for skunk politicians especially those who uses His religion to pitch man against his brother.

Its all in the Tummy!

I wrote my blog yesterday afternoon while at the University Sains Muzium Gallery and was having such a struggle to get things down as my mind was simply not into it. Then i decided to write anyway just to break the lethargy and find oout the cause of my being in such a state of mental block,I did. By the time i was through I had written a lengthy discussion over nothing and managed to at least get my thoughts down into a more active participation over what I was doing. It was a very good exercise in pinpointing what was the cause of my lethargic feeling and at the same tiem i was able to look into my past actions of recent days seeing if I made any sense and where or what the devil i was into. Not having the car ready is one good cause for a little mental depression and not being able to be myself in creating my latest works is a major cause no doubt. However there was one immediate cause that i failed to take note of and it came to me later on after I had completed my blog.

After the blogging I had stopped by the mini-library that the Muzium has in the front corner room of the building and ther are some collection of books mostly on art and philosophy. I was browsing along the shelf of the books on Islam and islamic Philosophy when I cam across a book by Imam Ghazali the Muslim Philosopher and religious Teacher. After having read through about two chapters of the book which is in Bahasa Malaysia I discovered the answers to my mental and physical predicament that i was experiencing: over eating! From reading the book I come to realize that my stomach was full to the max and thus my mind had become slothful and was incapable of being creatively active and this has always been the case in the past which i had failed to address. The Prophet (SAW) was quoted from His hadith on numerous occaisions about the ill-effacts of over eating and the virtue of hunger and fasting. I would loved to have shared a few of these had I the book with me right now, however suffice to say that nope, eating too much does not do good for your creative mental state, maybe good for your slothful sleepy state. So today i decided to eat less and still feels like my tummy is bloated and my mind is not as up to par for any intelligent relfections. And why is my yesterday's blog not entered? Good Question but bad karmic answer, I was too greedy, I was trying to add tose quotes from the hadiths and imam gahzali's words on over eating that somehow i lost the whole blog! I was not pissed or disappointed because it seems to be okay now that these things happens in my life.
But one thing I learn and at my age an important thing it is, and that is watch what you eat and how much you eat as it has a very strong effect upon your temprement, your mental state and your emotional and psychological balances. Obessity is not the only problem one faces from overeating or eating at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. Sometimes we eat like there is no end to it simply because we can afford to or the food is there and sometimes we convince ourselves that we should enjoy it all while we can because when we are ill often times food is the last thing we can enjoy, so eat while you can and whatever we can so long as it is good and tasty and wash it all down wirh a good glass of cold drink. A Big Mac! A juicy KFC or a good plate of Nasi Kandar, a T-Bone Steak- meduim rare, Char Koay Teaow with shrimps and pickled green Chillis, Food! Marvelous food! A Pecan pie, a Macadamia nut Sundae, a Good pineapple slush, a extra large bowl of Ice Kacang with Ice Cream! How great to be alive with all these food available to you. I have been blessed when it comes to food for I have tasted just about every western food and Eastern food there is to taste as I have lived in both the East and west of Malaysia as well as of the planet. The best food I have enjoyed most was when i was living in the Zen Buddhist monastery in Sausalito, Carlifornia.
At the Green Gulch Zen center the food was totally organic and prepared by the community at the center and the food was totally vegetarian.Most of the vegetables if not all were grown right at the farm. Potatoes of all kinds of varieties found in the Western coast of the US, lettuces, cauliflowers, brussel sprouts, beats and spinach, cabbages and carrots and just about every kind of herbs and fruit trees all from the fields and garden of the Green Gulch Zen Community and all grown with love and tender loving care of Zen Practice. Waht made the food more tasty was the fact that they were consumed with a great sense of heightened awareness, the result of spiritual practices such as meditations and holistic living. How interesting that the same vegetable would taste alot different prepared and eaten under different circumstances and environment. The name Edward Espe brown came to mind everytime I look back upon my food days at Green Gulch, one of my Zen Instructors and one tiem head Chef of the Greens Restaurant in Downtown San Francisco. Ed was one of a kind Zen Teacher whose sense of humor had kept us student from falling asleep on many Dahrma talks and he helped to make the Practice seems less tight and constricted with all its precetps and rituals. Ed can whip up a vegetarian dish like no one can along the Paciffic Seaboard. During my practice periods at the Green Gulch Zen Community I was given to wear Ed's First ordained robes which by then was falling apart at the seams but added to the aesthetic rustic look of a Zen priest.

Peter Rudnick was on the other hand the Baker of Zen Center and at the same time he was also the Farm head who knew the fields all the way from the one end of the Green Gulch valley to the Muir Beach where the Paciffic ocean meets the coastline of Marin County, California. Acres and acres of fields of vegetables was ploughed by Peter and his crew and when not working the fields he was busy toiling in the kitchen preparing his well known Tassajjara Bakery, bread and pasteries. At night when all is quiet, you might catch him in his small study pouring over his collection of the La Devino De Commedea or The Devine Comedy of which he had hundreds of books and I was the fortunate few to be allowed into this private world of his. Peter was one of the first Zen students that had studied under Shunryu Suzuki Roshi the founder of the San Francisco Zen Center and he was formerly a Jersey Boy whose father was a baker.

The Garden as it was known was often times during the summer months was a fairyland of flowers and of many varieties of herbs and fruits. Wendy Jhonson the white haired Queen with the greenest thumb cared for the garden like it was her life and practice. Working with Wendy was an inspiration in itself and anyone who had had the opportunity to have rubbed shoulders with this lady of the earth will leave the practice with an unforgetable experience. Whether it be hoeing or tilling the compose piles or transplanting the lillies, it was never just hard work it was every step a lesson worth more than money can buy. Wendy's personality was like that of a elder sister whose love and compassion towards everyone was contagious even for one like myself who was nothing but trouble for the community most of the time. Wendy and Peter had two children back then and how I miss them all!

Zen master Dogen was said to have said that."A day of no work is a Day of No Food."

If i believe in the workings of the Buddhist Karmic consequences I think i might be reborn into the realm of the Hungry Ghosts, Heavens Forbid! It may too late to repent now but I was a hog even when i was lving at the Zen Monastery then again who was not? Those who were not, those who had a handle on the eating habits back then, they were the enlightened ones and they deserved to be so, nver had I met and lived with so many enlightened beings, people who came and surrenderd themselves to the harsh and rigorous practice of Zen Buddhism in its modern age. I may never wade into the same river twice but if ever i get the opportunity i would like to sit again in the Green Dragon Zendo and look at my 'self' how far or how near i ave been since I left the Monastery.

Is my Creative juices running dry!!

The last few days has been a drag as I felt wasted with not being able to create or do anything worthwhile to justify my presence on this plane of existance. It has taken me a great effort to get myself here the USM Museum gallery and get this blog down but I fell asleep instead after the lunch I had in the back room. My mind will just not function hard as I tried to get it to express whatever that is causing it to become petrified with the hope that it will cause a release of any blockages. So I am writng it down this attempt to break the iceburg of slothfullnees and stagnation of my mind. Perhaps it has to do with the unevernfult life that i have been leading just worrying over petty issues of daily living, perhaps it is part and parcel of my ageing process, the mind is becoming lazy!Whatever it is i am going to crack it open and hopefully bring this cold spell to a halt and let in some sunshine
into what is threatening to become a dark spell.
Enlighten yourself I kept telling my daughter, make yourself light, let go of all the heavy stuff and dont let ignorance drag you down like a gravity. Thats what it means to be enlightened i told her,to become light to be free spirited, to be bright as in the limelight and not become a prisoner of dark and gloom. This i told my daughter when she asked me about the word 'Enlighten- ment' a couple of days ago. This is waht i have to remind me of my present mental predicament. I have to step into the light and i have to shep off this cloak of heavyness and gloomy clouds approaching on the horizon, I have to enlighten myself before it is too late. So I went to pray at the mosque last night for the magrib and the Ishak prayers and while waiting in between I sat and meditate and did my Zikr. I was hoping that whatever is riding my back like a camel into the desert of uncertainty will be ripped off by my being in God's house and reaching out for His intervention.
I have entrusted some artworks of mine with Lee Khai for him to have them framed if he finds them worth framing and also for his safe keeping at the Alpha Utara Gallery and we had a good discussion about how or what to do with my upcoming show at the Gallery in Late August or September. I was not surprised that he found my latest works especially those of my larger pieces in oils are too 'controlled and constricting'. He thought that i shouild let go and be free in my expressing myself like i used to do in the past as he thought my bold strokes are my strength. I agree with him to some extent but on looking back I realized that what he saw were not my latest works but works worked upon from the past few years ago. These oil paintings were done since 2001 while I was living in Terengganu and I had kept them as it was my believe that they are never finished and will be worked on till they are sold or destroyed or if and when the horses jump out of the canvass or the bird flew free into the night skies. I actually have no new paintings except for the ones that i am working on at the USM Museum gallery.
I told him of how i cannot afford to get me some new canvasses and materials to start on some new pieces and he agreed to get them for me if i want him to. I have to take on his offer and I hope this will lead on to a partnership between him and I where my works are concern. I am glad that my works will find a venue where tey will be readily able to be viewed by potential buyers as the Alpha Utara Gellery is one of the more well known Art Gallery in Penang.
Well not bad so far for a mind that is suck in a rut and not being able to let loose and come up with something creative for the day. This piece of writng itself is testimony to how and why if the mind is pushed it will perform no matter how trivial of boring the outcome of its producution is at the end of the day. having written this blog itself is a feat that not many who has not the ability to write will find it phenominal as it tkaes some doing mentally if not intellectually. It has also allowed me to see and express my thoughts over saveral issues that has been running in my mind and needed to be confronted. Yes these are petty- anny issues not worth a blogging, but what is the purpose of my blogging? I am not blogging to entertain anyone in particular and much less critisize or badger the government for its incompetenceies, no sir, I blog to unravel my thoughts, I blog to unwind my confused state of mind, I blog just to ramble on about my life to see if anything makes any sense in the long run, if there is any nuts and bolts that needs to be tightened or a loose wire that needs to be properly fixed. I have been blogging for the past few years and it has helped me to find my perspectives in life and not all these perpectives are right perspectives but they are still the perspective that i have been able to spot and noted just as the reason why I kept an on going journal in my sketching books. During my earlier school days my teachers had encouraged us students to keep a diary so that we can improve on our writing skills, I should have taken up on that suggestion.
This last piece of writing is added after reading a book caleed "Rahsia mengenal Nafsu dan Cara Mengawalnys" a book of Imam Ghazali's teachings.
After reading a few chapters of the book I come to realize where my fauult lies. I had eaten too much and my stomach was filled to the max thus causing an obstruction of my mental faculties!! Listen to this..."Barang siapa yang kenyang dan tidur maka keras membatu hatinya". The rsaul of Allah.
"Perangilah hawa nafsu mu dengan lapar dan haus,kerana sasungguhnya pahal mengenai itu sama dengan pahala dalam jalan Allah, dan saungguhnya tidak ada sabuah amalpun yang lebih dicintai Allah daripada lapar dan haus."
Rasullah (SAW)
I can go on with all the elightening quotes from the prophet of Allah on the subject of being frugal in food consumption and the wisdom of fasting of veing in a state of hunger, but time is running out for the Musium is about to close. So Asta majana!

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

Being without the car is a pain in the butt and what is more frustraing is the fact that alot has to be done in view of my upcoming shows. I was dropped off at the Penang Library this mornig by my cousin Ahmad Kalam and and by noon i had manged to install all my works for the continuing one man show here. I had my smaller prints and water colors set up a few eeeks ago here but last Sunday i had to borrow them for a dya for the Little Penang Street Market event where fortunately i managed to sell four pieces to my Art gallery owner friend Lee Kai who owns the Alpha Utara Gallery here in Penang. With the four pieces sold I felt a great relief as my next month budget is met with, rent and car payment at least taken care of. I have tried to minimize my basic needs as much as possible although i am still not good at saving where food is concern especially for my children. I remember my mother's advice one day when she told me that is is alright to spend money on food if you can afford it eat well.
yes my car is still at the mercy of the Chinese mechanics and the insurance adjusters. I am suffering while they are wheeling and dealing on how much they can make out off my miseries. Damn them! Dont ever become a victim of an accident in this country or you will suffer to no end while the vultures pick you to pieces. This is my way of letting off some steam because i am not looking forward to the prospect of having to walk from here at Scotland road all the way to the closest bus stand, which is most probably at Dato' Kramat Road somewhere. I could call my cousin Md.Kalam to come and pick me up but i hate to be such a burden on him all the time even though he has never said no...I am tired.
It was a pleasant surprise yesterday when my daughter gave me a book on Sufi Healing by Shaykh Hakim Moinuddin Chishti a book she told me a friend of mine had given her for me to read. My friend is a very religious man who wears the white garb of pious Muslim and his forehead indicates that he has been doing alot of praying from the calouses. He is far from an extremeist and carries on a good converstaion especially on Islam, I enjoy listening to his lecttures and i have learned alot of new lessons while kept reminded some of those that i have already knew. It is indeen strange that such well learned and enthusiastic characters just pops out of the blue and become one's guide for the moment of need. Here is something that I thought I'd share with those who are still taking peeks at my ramblings from the book which I am now reading.
" The Philosophy of Sufism is best summed in the words of the final Khutbah (sermon) of Hazrat Khwaja Mu'inuddin Chishti a month before he passed away...

Love all and hate none.
Mere talk of peace will avail you naught.
Mere talk of God and religion will not take you far.
Bring out all of the latent powers of you being
and reveal the full m,agnificience
of your immortal self.
Be surcharged with peace and joy.
And scatter them wherever you are
and wherever you go.
Be a blazing fire of truth,
Be a beautious blossom of love
And be a soothing balm of peace. With your spiritual light,
dispel the darkness of ignorance;
dissolve the clouds of discord and war
and spread goodwill, peace, and harmony among the people.
Never seek any help, charity or favors
from anybody except God.
Never go to the courts of Kings, but never refuse to bless and help and bless the needy and the poor,
The widow and the orphan, if they come to your door.
This is your mission, to serve the people...
Carry it out dutifully and courageously,
so that I, as your Pir-o-Murshid,
may not be ashamed of any shortcomings on your part
before the Almighty God and our holy predecessors
in the Sufi order
on the day of Judgement.

On Knowledge

The Great Hadrat Abd al-Qadir al-Jilani, may Allah protect his secrets, had this to say about man and his quest for truth;

"Man cannot attain the truth unless he is pure because his worldly attributes will not leave him until the essence is manifested in him. This is true sincerity. His ignorance will only leave him when he receives the knowledge of divine essence. One cannot do this with education; only the Lord of Truth, without intermediaries, can teach it. When the Lord Most High is Himself the Teacher, He gives one the knowledge from Himself... The man who knows must be aware that the child of the spirit, which is born in the heart, is the meaning of true humanity; that is the true human being. He should educate the child of the heart, teaching unity, being constantly aware of unity - leaving this world of matter and of multiplicity, seeking the spiritual world of mysteries, where there is none other than the Essence of the Divine Truth."

When I first embarked upon my journey in seeking answers for myself about things that had been gnawing at my brain, I was living in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I worked for three years as a boner or meat cutter in packing houses in Green Bay and Milwaukee. It was one of the toughest and at the same time dehumanizing jobs I had ever done. Yet I survived for three years until I realized that I was becoming like the very cattle whose meat I was butchering to make for hamburgers which end up in supermarkets and burgerstands. I was so affected by my work that I ended up with a devorce and consequently lost the custody of my son. I succumbed to my animal passion like I was the devil incarnate, drunk or stoned every day after work, and womanizing every chance I got, I had no concience or fear of man or God. I know today what it is like to become like a mindless beast holding nothing as sacred and everything as fair game to satisfy my desires as I have taken that road.
My saving Grace came in the form of my devorce as well as my next door neighbor who talked me into quitting the meat cutting industry and taking up schooling. According to him, I had what it takes to become a student, and so, left with a broken home and a desperate need to find a remedy for my predicament, I took up on his offer and entered the academic life at the University of Wisconsin, at Green Bay. I took to schooling like fish to water and I was good at it except for one or two subbects which I failed or had an incomplete simply because I did not like the professors, otherwise i still graduated with a Cum Laude. It was during those years of putting myself through the University that I learned to take charge of my life and got into the more spritual side of my being, which had lain dormant eversince I left Malaysia. I was introduced to spitual writings and thinking by my professors and friends, and found the beauty in Zen Buddhism as my practice in life then even if I was a Muslim by birth.
Art was my tool of expression and when I was accepted to do my own self-designed degree through what was then called 'The University Without Walls' offered by the University of Madison, Wisconsin, I embarked upon my journey of self-discovery. Through this program, I travelled to many countries and parts of the United States, doing my courses for various classes every semester. My travels took me to England and later Germany, Colombia and Equador in South America, to the three South western Staes of New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado while living out of the trunk of an old Chevy Impala and my llast semester was spent in Malaysia where I was able to attend the 'Gawai Hantu' of the Ibans in Sarawak. Throughout my entire trips, which often lasted two to three months, I kept my mind occupied with books on Religion and philosophy. J.Krishnamurti and Paramahamsa Yogananda, Alan Watts and Ram Dass, G.I. Guirdjief and Oespenski, D.T. Suzuki and Trungpa Rinpoche, Carlos Castaneda and various others whose writings and teachings inspired my thirsty way-seeking mind. I absorbed knowledge and put them to the test every chance I had.
By the time I graduated from the University, I had gathered to myself more than just academic knowledge; I had awakened from my sleep and placed myself on a more arduous journey of self-discovery. I continued what I had started in school and kept an on going journal of my encounters, my thoughts, and what I had come to understand from them, and this I have been doing till this date. It is my hope, even as with this blog, that my simple effort of accumulating my experiences in the form of journals, drawings, and writngs would become useful for those who have the same inclination to do something similar to what I have done in their persuit of knowledge. My effort is for those who are on the road towards self-discovery, towards coming to an understanding of who or what they are. My effort is for those who feel lost as to which way to head on after they have found the knowledge they seek and are looking for what else to look forward to in their progress towards their divinity.

Knowledge and Wisdom

Having spent a decade or two of your life scampering for knowledge for the sake of your status and comfortable niche in your society you should be ready to take on just about anything that life has to throw at you. You have earned the rites of passage to becoming a well rounded educated perhaps intellectually well equipped to be a productive member of society. Everything they taught you in schools, in colleges and at the Universities you have understood and implanted into your memory bank, knowledge is at the tip of your thinking mind. Depending on your strength or choice of subjects that you favor you make the choice to persue this and become a master in the field albeit History, Science, Econimics or Politics etc. You are then set for your career, to put all that you have accumulated accademically and through whatever experiences that came with it you are set to embark upon your adult life armed with knowledge and limited experience to get you by.
You are confronted by the questions that arises every corner and every turn you make, every attempt and every decision you have to make and every person and every environment you are confronted with. You accounter them and you move on as there is little else there is that you can do in this life but to just move on no matter what right or wrong decission that you have made. We all have a goal in life know it or not we all have to live so long as we breath this air that we take in and out,like it or not and then some of us make great decissions to accomplish greater goals and some just don even realize their goals even if they had any other than just to stay alive and take care of those in their charge. Which is you? What is your role? What is your Goal? What is your scam or your scheme in this so called life that we all live.

These are the questions that man has been wrestling with since the day someone asked him a silly thing like who the Hell Are You? Who am I? What am I? Where am I, how far or how near am I? This to most of us humans with our God given Human Minds (Humind), is our next phase of knowledge, a journey of looking into who we really are, not just as a Malay or a Chinese or an Indian or a Malaysian, not Just as Piyadasa or Will Chamberlain or Geroge Bush or or Mahatma Gandhi. Who are you in the scheme of things in this whole complex nature of this so called planetary system, this Creation, who are you or what are you? *If I ask you to point out to me where you are really are located at where would you point? Your chest, your heart? Is the finger pointing is it not you? The point of this whole "Rambling of the Cheeseburger Buddha" is to answer this question of who am I? Why am I here in the first place like a watcher of an epic saga of a deteriorating planet coming to pieces at its seams from its microcosmic atomical structures to its cosmic univesal nature and what can I do about it?

They are running the Olympic torch to China and it has been a rough run for most of the part and what can the only man who can put on hold in all these do? The Dalai Lama should take a lesson or two from the late Mahatma Gandhi, perhaps fast himself to death if all these crap dont come to an end. What do the Chinese want with a country like Tibet, is there oil? MInerals worth exploring into or is it purely a matter of mass egotistical adventure of domination of one Nation over another as a show of Power? China can have Tibet in more productive way than she can ever imagine if the Dalai Lama were allowed to return and run the country, put it back on its former glory as a Buddhist Vajrayana center for the whole world. What has Chine to offer otherwise that can outclass the Tibetan Buddhist Attraction in terms of Religious or tourist attraction? Why are we humans so wrapped up into self agrandizement and domination over others the moment we are endowed with a sense of power. Perhaps one of the answers is the fact that only us humans are involved in Arms Sales for the annihilation of our fellow man. The latest the most sophisticated the most precisive of weapons are being produced every mintue of every day every where on this planet because Arms is the most lucrative business next only to drugs in this life and times of our evolution as homosapiens. We are the mocrobes the will eventually eat eachother out of existance if the planet still holds together. Do You Care??
Who are You? In this scheme of things?

Millions of lives will be lost in the near future when food shortages hits the streets and the climatically caused disasters carry on to spin out of control due to our insatiable demands for more and better and faster mode of heading towards our self destruction. Nations will eventually turn upon one another for reasons even the Gods would cry with laughters because it has become too rediculous to do anything else about wars that are fought in their names or wars that are fought because of beliefs and faiths or an 'Ism'. Man the wisest of all God's creatures cannot forgive and forget his own brothers and sisters for thie lack of understanding or their weaknesses and yet ckaims himself to be the Caliphs on this planet, God's warden to care for His creation, the Bodhisatvas of compassion and Infinite Wisdom serving to eliviate human sorrows and suffrings in this Dhama Ending Age, this End of Days this Kali Yuga where the dark clouds od chaos and Anarchy is looming upon the horizon for us all.

If one look up at the sky on a stary night one would come to realize someday that if God were to award a bright shiny star for each and every one of us, there would be more than enough stars to go around, Thy Lord has created things in abundance. But we are too ignorant to see, to imagine to envision this simple 'Law of Abundance', that just about every Religion or ancient thoughts and Philosophies has handed us down. We are sucked into our self serving, our petty vested intrests and our tribalistice, my race is the greatest race on earth, my bloodline is the purest, my ancestors could walk on water, my religion is the only religion that will deliver, I want what is yours but leave my shit alone, kind of attitude; we are nailed to the floor by our ignorance! This is the final end our knowledge based human development and our children and their childre's children will inherit this at its worse as the negative energies it generates over time will become so fermanted that it will cause an internal combustion or explode!

Ignorance is the third or our human illnesses after Greed and Hate or in any given order for that matter. Knowledge alone without the spiritual development of the heart and soul of man is not going to see us through the next millennia or perhaps even the next century. A man who can only think with his head is like an outstanding robot activated by a computer, he has no feeling for Right Compassion or Right Understanding, Truth and Love. He can only understand the meaning of the word but the word is not the thing itself and the thing itself eludes a man without a God given heart and soul. A man whose heart and souls is set upon seeking the answers to the questions Asked earlier, Who am I? What am I?... will arrive at the Right Understanding of his role as a man, a Great Being created from the Essence of the Lord of Creation, whose duty it is to serve his fellow creatures such that they thrive in Peace on this Earth.
Wisdom is the property of the Heart.

Hate has many Ugly Faces

The strife and struggles that is presently plaguing the various parts of the world, causing untold miseries among the people of these countries and states is the result of the second of human illnesses inherent in man, that is Hate. Anger, jealousy, envy, power, control all these and many more issues related to it is the result of man dealing with this illness. The Koranic/Biblical story tells us of the fatal conflict between the two brothers Cane and Abel that led to the death of one even in the dawn of man's history. Till this day the Jewish, Christian and Muslim conflict is still ravaging the societies all over the world pitching man against his fellow man all in the name of the One God.
Hate is something that only belongs to human beings in this physical realm of existance, it is only man that known to kill out of anger and hatred and it is only man that has the need to create special forces in dealing with the negative influences of hate. Police and Millitary forces are the ultimate manifestation of this tragedy. The hatred bred through tribal or racial groups is one of the

most violent of all hatred and it is ugly in nature as it blinds man into worse than beasts in their need to destroy their counterpart through whatever means at their disposal, all in the name of their tribe, their race, their religious beliefs.

In a country like Malaysia hatred can rear its head at any given moment under any given pretext as there is so much avenue for hatred to manifest itself this country being a multi-racial country. There is always and will always be a fine line between each ethnic group that makes up this nation that draws the line of racial toleration and this line is fragile whcih can be broken at any given moment through some misinterpretation or misconception or miscommunication or purely through ignorance. It is never easy for a nation to have a solidarity or one voice one vision when the people are made up different nationalities and each catering strongly to their personal colors and creed despite all that is done to create a more untited collective mindset. It is short of a miracle that this country has not busted at its seems for the last fifty years through racial conflicts. The May 13th. incident was the only case that almost brought the nation to its knees fortunately it was thwarted by those were in power at the time.

Right and wrong a sickness of the mind gotta keep the balance.

Today Malaysia is going through a political change and it is enlightening to see that there is not an evidence of racial conflict worth mentioning in the news other than the normal petty bickering of the loosers and those who fell short in geeting what they had expected to, mostly politicians at their politics. The country is still set on course and the PM shaken a bit as he is is still in the helms of the ship. If this smooth sailing can be maintain by the present government there might still be another fifty years of peace ahead for us to look forward to relatively speaking. The key to our destruction as a nation is racial hatred or interracial conflicts, if this can be overcome and the people can be made to understand the significance of a collective united spirit with regradless of racial or religious backgrounds than we can become a nation to be respected by the rest of the world. Malaysia is truely Asia in its representation as a country and a nation but to attain to this status we Malaysians have to educate ourselves, our wives and children, our neighbors and friends to think as one to believe as One and to act as One.
We have to understand the very nature of hate, of the consequences it carries and how we need to overcome this illness that is inherent within all of us. The Koraan tells us Muslims to practice Patience in the event of hate arising and the Buddha tought us to meditate on the same. Tolerance is the key towards achieving and understanding between us and the xperience of having lived alongside eachother for the last fifty years aught to have instilled in all of us the facts of life as we Malaysians should see ourselves and be able to declare ourselves truly who we are even before those from our so called Mother countries, like China and India or Indonesia. To these we are Malaysians first, our children and their children will honor no other country except Malaysia as their original home, (tempat tumpah darah), I am not a Chinese nor am i an Indian or an Indonesian or Sri Lankan, nop, I am a true Malaysian born and bred, loyal to my King and Country. But it does not mean I will not make any socila or political comment or contribution if and the when the need is called for as i am a member of this society governed by a democratical principle, hence when i sense an injustcie in the making i will not lay dormant and accept it without a fight.
This is a tall glass to offer and tough act to follow by a long shot as there elements within and without this nation that has intrests in its well being or its demise and as such there will always be those who will do everything within their power to cause a disruption among the racial groups if peace is not of interest ot their scheme of things. It against these demons of hate that every nation has to be constantly in virgil of, for they are on this very plane just to cause the disunification of man and his downfall. Albeit in the most clandestine manner or by means of an all out war these anti-peace and self agrandizing, self serving minds are the curse of every nation and to be rooted out whenever and whereever they are spotted. Hate has many faces and all of them are ugly but the more dangerous are those that are hidden behind the scenes in the form of good samaritans and pious pontiates, as wolves in sheepskins. They are the sowers of bad blood and the poison that can infect the blood of this nation with hatred.
Through understanding greed and hate we can learn how to avoid the pitfalls that we are liable to face and this is accomplshed through the understanding of the nature of the third of our human illness; Delussions or ignorance, or the lack of understanding or the having no desire to learn to understand. The human mind is inherently lazy when it comes to thinking about or making any effort towards undersanding these negative traits that has haunted us through out our human history. Why are we possesed by the demons such as Hatred and Greed so much so that we are willing to take another's life in order to satify our own desires? It akes alot of time and effort to crack the the nut and expose the content and an average man does not give too much hoot about such a matter or that it is not his forte to dwell upon in this life. Let the wise-men take care of it and let them make the decisions, that's what we pay them for.

What Do The People Want?

Peace, Social and Economic independance, a mental and physically healthy society and perhaps foremost to some the freedom of faith, perhaps this and a few etras to make life a little more exciting. Most are satisfied with what they have already acquired in life if they attained to be sixty an a grandchild or two to play with [provided all the above mentioned criteria are met with to a sutainable degree. For those who are striving for more than what is their need knows that their ego has a need to feed albeit power or status, fame or fortune beyond the ordinary. Whatever the glory maybe that an average man seeks to fulfill in his life he knows that the journey towards this goel may involve the stepping upon other's toes, challenging the existing foundations and principle or destroying a few established icons. Thus the persuit of happiness becomes a gold rush for many as more is better and there is no line anymore to differentiate between what is Greed and what is basic need.
When greed walks in Compassion and charity walks out, wisdom disperse to the winds and corruption enters the scene. Judgements becomes blurred by ignorance of what really is and what is not that should or not have been done. This is what haunts most elected officials if not just in this country but just about the whole world where elections are held and the people vote their leaders. However in this day and age where just about every Tom Dick and Harry owns a PC and has a Blog or two to express his or her feelings, it has become more of a challenge for anyone to get by selling water by the river. The Information age has come and there is little or no place to hide for those who had depended upon ignorance of the masses to feed their insatiable egos. Transparancy has taken a whole new look whereby what happens behind closed doors are no more a secret than what happens in the market place sooner or later and the message reaches the masses at such a speed that even the dayak in the rainforest will know of the falsehood or the truth of any given event taken place in the capital.
Just like everything else even with the advanced levels of communication at this day and age there those who can and will manipulate whatever is out there to just so long as it serves their short term purpose of being the richest and most powerful. Most of us are trapped within this vicious circle whether we know it or not admit to it or not, but given the opportunity we most of us succumb to this weakness of human nature. One wife not enough we need to have three of four, one car not enough we need a few parked in the garage so to keep upthe good image, one house not enough we just got to have a few scattered here and there for convenience sake and to house the extra wives and kids. We have got to have something to leave behind us for our children and their childrens' children and that takes alot of doing on top of what we have to deal with our daily needs. So we sell our souls to the devils and hope for glory in this life and the hereafter as we have fulfilled our God given intentions to society and our fellow creatures: at what cost?
Greed is what draws the line between us and the lower creatures that god has created, for only man can kill out of greed. Not being able to share one's wealth with those who are in dire need is a form of greed and accumulating walth till there is no more room to accumulate is yet a nother form of greed, to refuse to become involve in solving the nation's need for eradicating hunger and poverty is another form of greed, and Corruption is the child of Greed. Many a mighty ruler has succumbed to the lures of this human weakness and tasted the blade of blade of Truth and Wisdom at the end of the day to fall poorer than paupers. Many a lesson has been taught about the ills of greed no matter how small the urge, but very few has touched human hearts as those practiced by Mahatma Gandhi in India. The little Hindu dressed in loin cloth, who brought the Brithish Empire to a grinding halt through self sacrifice and serving humanity. When a man becomes selfless he has no greed.
How can the leaders of today become selfless individuals servants of the people? No Way! The question every politicians these days ask is "What is in it for Me?" "How can I benifit from this venture?" "WhAT is my signature worth for this project?". These are the very individuals who had vow to serve the nation without fear or favorand with integrity and honesty, sworn before the King and country and before the holy scriptures, these are the elected ones who were sworn to lead the epole out of the darkness of their lives into the Peaceful coexistance of their fellow humans.As the Persian saying , "When the Salt turn bad, what else can we turn to?"
Perhaps the Dalai Lama Tenzin Giatso may be the last of the practicing personification of Wisdom beyond Wisdom, and the Infinite Compassion of the Bodhisatvas in these days and age that man can learn and emulate from, but His holiness is getting deeper and deeper sucked into the turbulance of political strife that is going on in Tibet. Man need role models, and George Bush is definitely not a very good one for compassion or wisdom, Dr. Mahathir is rapidly getting sinile in his approaches towards the political situation in this country and Pak Lah is teeter tottering on the popularity scale while Anwar Ibrahim is like a Tiger laying low taking its time to pounce when the time is right, who do we turn to? PAS Spiritual Leader in Kelantan, Nik Aziz has alot of spiriutal qualities and down to earth wisdom that has served the Kelantan people well but it is not a suit that can be worn by the rest of the country and the former oppositon leaders such as Lim Kit siang and Karpal Singh are veteran political heroes to most non-Malays but that is as far as their role model goes, the ruling goverment and its agencies has made very little effort to harness all these individuals efforts in the form of contributions towards the nation's growth. The few books and writings we find are those who had the power to write and publish for the nation to learn of their own personal contributinos, their biograpies, what it took them to reahc their present status in the management of this country.Just as children needs role models to map their growth man needs leaders who can become exemplary individuals to pave the way for the masses throught these looming catastropihc dark ages of the Kali Yuga or the Age of Decadence or as the Buddha said the Dharma Ending Age. Who is ther to lead? Who can we lay our trust on that will prepare not only this nation but the planet as a whole, to ride the next wave of change from this so called age of Information to whatever might lie ahead for our descendants to face.
With the decline in natural resources and food supply all over the world man will have a lot to reckon with in terms of his very survival if not his children and grand children. With the approach of climate changes that is affecting global weather trends and causing unheard of natural disasters all over the planet, man needs to contemplate alot sooner than later to completely cause for a change in his mindset as to the fundamental values of life that will sustain his very existance into the next Millenia if he makes it that far. Greed is only one of the causes of these and there are two more of the human illness that man has to come to terms with with perfect understanding and that is ,Hate and Delusions.
When is, enough is enough?

A trip to K.Tr.

I left for Kuala Terengganu on the 13th of April in answering my sister's call for help in dealing with her husband's condition fighting cancer. My brother in law is a gentle person all the time that i had known him rarely raised his voice and not much of a talker. He has also been skinny all his life and not that he does not eat but food dont have much effect on his physical nature. I have had a very close relationship with him and I consider it a privillage as he is not one who makes friends too easily although very much respected by all those who knows him for his serene and gentle nature.
Syed has cancer of the tounge or throat or in one of this general area and he has been through Kemo therapy in Kuala Lumpur. Now he is back in K.Tr. lost in his lonely world not being able to speak and having his meals through his nose. I could feel the frustration coming out of him and did my best not to intrude upon his negative emotions except by giving him a good body massage everyday which seemed to bring him back to life weel enough to work on his car engine. I felt that is only so much that i could do as my brother in law was not much of a talker even when he was well. So I jsut made my precence felt whenever I was in the house.
I spent alot of my time with my friend Mohd. Rafi who works a maritime police lance corporal. We spent alot of time just shooting the breeze and watching the kids watch TV while I did alot of sketching in my journal. I also visited the Hashim family in Pulau Duyung where I was taken for a special tour of the whole Heritage Club where the Mosoon Cup Sailing event takes place. Hashim is practically the caretaker of the whole facility whether he knows it or not. Hashim was born to sail the Trengganu waters and is an expert on traditional boat building and sailing. The problem with him is that he does not recognize his importance and so at barely two thousand Malaysian Ringgit which is hardly six hudred US dollars, this man is in charge of one of the biggest boat marina which annually holds the International Sailing Regata, the Monsoon Cup. One of the best model boat maker when it comes to the traditional Malay vassels, Hashim is a multitalented individual who had anyone in the Tourism industry been smart enough should have taken into confidence and offered him a good position with corespoding financial benifit. I know of few men I have met in my travels who is more dedicated and dilligent in what he does than my long time friend.
Hashim's older brother is Awi of Awi's Yellow House, a shanty river side shallets built exactly like in the old days of atap and stands high above the river. The toilets naturaly are just holes in the floor which makes it unique for city dwellers who had forgotten what it was like. Awi's Yellow house is well known among foreign travellers through the Lonely Planet travel guide and visitors to this hole are usually repeat customers who often stays for a longer period of time than an average tourist. This was where i met Sabastian the first time sometime in 03 0r 04, but had not seen him fours years till recently when he turned up at the Little Penang Street Market and we went for dinner after and we met with the accident.
I had the opportunity to visit the controversial Crystal Mosque too which Sabastian had mentioned as a waste of the natural environment that was destryed for the whole project to take place along the Trengganu River. The mosque itself was to me indeed and overzealous work of architectural design that utillizes too much ornate Islamic designs on its facades and too sterile for the location it is built on. Had the goverment built a small wooden Surau instead it would have been much better suited for all purposes and I am not saying because it would have been much cheaper but wood is the part and parcel of the natural beauty of the river not building blocks of concrete or crystal. I am apprehensive about the long term upkeeping cost of this expensive venture as much as it was meant well when it was constructed but it is indeed still a bloody waste of good money and the cost to the natural environment especially the Mangrove and nipah ecosystem along the river. Adjacent or connected along to the Mosque complex is another complex called the Taman Tamadun Islam, a bunch of minitature replicas of mosques and Islamic structures found all over the Muslim world are constructed to comemorate the splendours of the Muslim architectures and way of life. It is like an Islamic Museum and all they need to do toattract good tourist both local and foreign is to add a minigolf trail throughout the course of these miniature buildings. Why not have some fun while one stare in wonder at something someone else build somewhere else in some god forsaken time at god knows what an astronomical cost. Call it a Muslim fairyland but having listened to the locals over their teh kosong and roti telor, I felt the negative and ambivalent feeling exist towards the whole cheerful project, most i met and talked to had not been to the Mosque or the Taman Tamadun islam and most dont even know how to get there. Rumour has it that even Tuanku, the Sultan is not happy with the whole thing and thus the election of the Menteri Besar problem with the Palace. The man behind the whole show perhaps was Idris Jusoh the former mentri besar who is a highly charismatic individual with western education. Now he is no more a part of the Terengganu EXCO even for some odd reasons which is as good as nayone's guesse but his project is incomplete. I hope that the present Trengganu EXCO will make every attempt to complete the whole project without delay as it is not a cheap affair to just let go off regardless of whose fault or failures it is, it is still a symbol for the state and it is there to stay. Perhaps Allah has future use for such an ornate mosque even if for not there is no Friday Prayers allowed at the mosque. The people of this state are perhaps as predictable as the monsoon season, it always comes and with it rain and winds, after that there is life as usual making budu, cultivating the rice fields and going out to sea, more than this is too much for the braind to digest, it is for the politicians to deal with and the 'Crystal Mosque for now is a symbol of what can be a political error made over good intentions.
I am not a politcal commentator nor am I a social analyst but I am a mere artist who sat and tried to sketch the Crystal Mosque in seeking what is its hidden beauty and in doing so thoughs flahes in my mind about the pros and cons of building such a grand structure and the price those responsible had to pay for this venture, at least according to the news media, the coffee shop politicians and friends and relatives who lives here in Kuala Terengganu. To most it is short of a fiasco, a multi-million dollar fiasco that serves no benifit to the local fishermen and padi growers;it is also an insult to every educated Malay intelligence in the state.
The question is how do you turn this so called failure into a booming success? What needs to be done to salvage this dead zones without compromising their intended values as a religiuos as well as cultural heritage? An Islamic Muzium? Toolittle too late as these are cropping up at about every corner of the Mulim world and within this country itself. Islamic Architectural Institute for the Country? It would be a good way to help pay the cost of long term maintanence of the whole complex. Its surrounding environment and the closeness of the Terengganu Muzium would enhance the whole arae to become a hub for Islamic as well as Malay cultural and traditional education.
Well whatever! I am just tossing out what my mind has been regurgitaitng while i was sketching the Crystal Mosque as it does whenever i sketch something my thoughts will always run paralel to what i am doing with my hands but on a different topic with regard to the object. I am not here to protest or promote anything or anyone over what i feel, it is a personal feeling towards what is going on around me. I am against just blames for blames sake, I would rather find a viable solution to go along with every issue or problem so that it seizes to be an issue or a problem. When the peole elected a leader they assume one to be well endowed with right sense of understanding of what is needed and what is not and who is best to confide over this matters but the people themselves. Ask them! Talk to Them! Listen to Them! as just like a good carpenter who would measure three times before deciding to saw a piece of lumber so should the politicians before making any major decisions.
What's wrong with this scenario?

A banged up Job

On the 30th. of March while driving home with a friend from Argentina after dinner I had an accident on Kelawei Road. A Four Wheel drive rammed my car from behind causing me to smash into three cars ahead of me, such was the impact. I was thankful for my friend Sabastian and I that we escaped injuries especially for Sabastian because he was supposed to leave for Buenos Aires the next day. My car was a disaster front and back and is now at the auto body shop while the insurance claims are being processed. Both sabastian and I suspected that the driver of the 4Wheel drive was drunk and I noticed that so did the other drivers involved expressed the same feeling but because there was no policeman on site there was no way of taking any action on the matter. I got the feeling that my life meant little on the road and the guy who was in control over the whole event was actually the drugged or drunk pony tailed Chinaman in his company's $Wheel drive! So i just let it cool and let things takes its cause while i try to rationalize with Sabastian who being a young Argetinian it would be only a matter of wrong signals that would send him on the Jerk drunk or not like a pit bull on a chicken then all hell will cut loose and instead of just an accident we would have and incident too!
From this accident I learned the simple truth about how things works in this country if there is an accident and often then not there will be no traffic officer on hand but the whole incident will be handled by the autobody shop operators whose hound dogs will be there not five seconds after the accident. They will collect all the datas fromm everyone involved take down numbers and issue call cards on who to contact and so forth and all you have to do is turn up at the police station to make the report which is written by one of their staff for smooth flow of action to be taken. I also learn that except for Sabastian no one gave a damn if i was injured, the other drivers were more concerned of the fact that i had damaged their new cars.
Such Is, now I am back to taking busses to get places and my son has to walk to and from school and for how long God knows. The SOB who caused all these is home scot free as his vehicle being a tough machine sustained hardly any damage and ironically he was the first to have left the scene of the accident and no one could stop him! Had i been ten years younger i would have taken a good swing at him so that there will be a case and I would demand for him to be tested for alcohol or drugs but I am sick and tired of dealing with assholes like I used to. He was a Chinese and so was all the other drivers and every one else at the scene except for my friend and I. Getting physical would not had been the best cause of action at that moment, we were at the wrong place at the wrong time for it. So accept the damages and count your blessings and wait for the car to be fixed, such Is.
My sister in Kuala terengganu called this morning asking me to go there as my brother in law is not doing too good with his cancer bouts, he is giving up the fight and needs someone to talk to. So i will leave for the east Coast Friday night and hopefully my two kids here will have some peace from me being out of their hair. I too could use a break from Penang and the scene here at least an R&R from sketching the street hawkers and old buildings around the island. There will be a show at the Malay Artist Guild gallery next month and they have chosen street hawkers as their theme for the show and so i have been running around doing some sketching of these scenes all over the Georgetown area in the past few days, a blessing for not having the car in a way. At present i am having a solo show at the Penang State Library on Scotland Road. It consists of my monoprits and etchings mostly and a few water colors of the Flowerhorn Fish which i did a few years back. The show is the first for the Library as I was asked by the Director to start the art show programe which was new to the Library.
I keep on doing my oils at home sometime all through the night and when i can i would go to the USM Muzium Gallery and do my Acrylic and charcoal sketchings on the one hundred feet long drawing paper. All I have four exhibitions locations three of them solo exhibitions and one a group show all lined up through this next few months. And as i said I thank God for not being injured in the accident, otherwise god only knows how i can pull it all through. I want to give my best for the upcomig show at the Penang State Art Gallery which would bw the crowning success of my return to my hometown and then after that i hope to be able to sell some pieces at the Alpha Utara Gallery where most of the artworks get sold here. So for one who is unemployed I have got my job cut out for me and i am blessed with this burden for it keeps me from going kaka!

What did I learn from my Zen Experience?

The Lotus of A Thousand Petals

While living and doing the Practice Period at the Zen Buddhist center at Green Gulch Green Dragon Temple I had developed a joy for dishwashing after every evening meal during the weekends when there would be some two to three hundred people at the Center. It came to a point that i was attatched to this job that i would go at it alone refusing any help in handling the dishwashing machine, the stacking and so forth. I was bald then alive and burning with energy too due to the very intensive practice that I was into, the Art of Zen meditation or Zazen (sitting Meditation),great vegetarian meals, great company of wise men and women from all over the United States and some from foreign countries, meeting of great minds.
Anyway, every weekends the 'outside public' is allowed into the center to share the monastic life and taste the monastic food, organically grown vegies and homemade bread, the famous Tassajara Bakery kind of bread. They came and the parkng lot was full all the time till there was no more room out there! Saints and Charlattans, Lyers and thieves, the wise and the fools they came to sample a taste of Shunryu Suzuki's Zem Mind and Beginner's mind.
I volunteered the dishes all the time withiout having to be persuaded becaus for some odd reason it was "The Practice place to be". That evening it was normal as any with the crowd loud and enjoying their dinner before they all head on back to 'The City' (san Francisco), across the Bridge. Everyone who came and handed me their dirty dishes had something nice to share, a big smile, a completely fake surprise at seeing me doing the dishes or to harrass me about falling asleep in the Zendo. I was dancing with the bowls stacking them into the circular bowl rack before delivering them into the washer and doing it without breaking my pace as I met the cheerful faces head on smile for smile.
As I laid down the last piece of whit heavy China bowl inot the center of the tray there floated before me a white thousand petaled Lotus Flower in the tray!! I looked up slowly from it and my eyes met with the large round eyes of my Tanto or practice instructor Paul Disco. He nod at me in Gasho and smiled whispering to my ear 'It does happen sometimes...' and slipped away in his black monk's robes. I slid the last rack of bowls into the washer and nothing was said between us on the matter.
The appearence of the flower was so real that it was more real than real and it caught my breath and i wanted to laugh and at the same time felt sad and wanted to cry if it was not for my Zen Instructor's prescence which made the experience just like drinking tea.
The Japanese calls it Satori or what i interprete as Mini-awakenings and this kind of experience is not uncommon when one does intesive meditative practice especially in a large group where one does not feel threatened or insecure when little miracles takes one on a alternate state of conciousness even for a split second or the span of a lightning's flash. The fact that your teacher was there to witness the event whether he was aware of it or not was in itself an auspicious moment for me, I had someone else as a witness someone whose reactions was so simple and ordinary that this miracle vanished into memory lane just like it never happened and i felt it was perfectly okay!
Those not fammiliar with Zen and Zazen, not well versed in Buddhist practices might have a little bit of trouble accepting such occurences as I claimed and that too is alright because it is not for everyone it is only for the minds of those that the conciousness of the event was connected to. Usually it is one on one however there has been known that a group as a whole can experience Satori at any given moment of their sitting meditation period or during a lecture when a line is said and it was 'The Line' that triggers a colletive conciousness response and transport the group into a whole different state of mind, usually one of peace and tranquility, the lightness of being, the floating on the air kind of feeling and the Love for eachother that recognizes no conditions a feeling of letting completely go of oneself into the whole (Hole!?).