Penang Heart and Soul 2

Three days left for the exhibition to be over and thus far I am quite happy with the sales of my works and the number of new acquaintences I have made both local and foreigners. One of the more pleasant surprise I had was walking into the Director of the Terengganu State Museum who was visiting the Penang State Gallery and he happened to know my twin brother quite well and imediately mistook me for my brother. After awhile i told him of my propossal of oppening an open studio type of activity as part of the Terengganu Museum to woo more participation from the locals in Art and various other activities and he seemed interested. I had sold a few pieces of my works so far and if all goes accordingly I have the next few months' budget safely lined up plus the fact that the Ramadan is approaching my financial woes could be lessen.

Arrived at the State Art Gallery early this moprning and met with two European ladies a Swiss and a Swede who has great interest in Art and as a matter of fact the Swedish lady is an Artist and is in the process of sttling down in Penang where her husband works for a company processing Medical instruments based in Sungai Petani. We had a good long discussion viewing my works and it was pleasant for me to be able to share with them my thoughts and ideas about my works. It was interesting to listen to them of their ideas about Art appreciation and their personal experiences with being travellers and being able to learn of others' cultural understanding from a European's point of view. Most of the discussion we had was about the multi - ethnic society of this country and how it affects Art and creativity here especially with Malaysia being a Muslim country. They were also curious about what it is like being an artist from the political point of view in this country whethr it is as strict as it is in Singapore or China when Art takes on a political expression. I told them that I am not a political but a social commentator when it comes to Art and that i like to promote solutions whenever possible through my creative actions as in painting or sketching. I try to promote a sense of collective iniversal thinking instead of trying to promot my own cultural heritage of which it hard for me to pinpoint anyway. I cannot consider myself anything but a Penang born, Malaysia Artist and as such having lived abraod for almost half my life my view of life is shrt of Global in nature and thus my sense of expression.

Yesterday being the last Sunday of the month was also the Little Penang Street Market day and i was asked to provide a children's art class as part of the activities for the day. There was a 'Kuda Kepang' presentation among other cultural entertainment and the Chief Minister made an appearence as it was also the two years anivesary of the Little Penang Project. I did a painting of the Kuda Kepand performance while it was in progress and it was donated to the troupe which was brought for the occaision all the way from Johor. It was a very impressive performance with the sound of Gamelan type of music and heavy smell of 'kemian' or insence used by the Malays as part of a spiritual ceremony and in this case the invoking of spirits for the show. It is believed that the performaers were possesed by various spirits while they performed which in actuality turned them into horses in nature. I enjoyed doing the painting and the fact that it was bought om the spot gave me a special sense of accomplishment.

In the audience was also a lady who is in charge of promotion at the Queens Bay Mall ans she asked me if i could do the same at the Mall next week end for three consequtive days and i said I would not knowing exactly what I am going to do. But as the saying goes, Carpe Diem! Seize the opportunity for it only knocks once and it is for a reason. So the next few days I will have to figure out how I can benifit from this venture. Needless to say the door is slowly oppening one after another for me and I believe it is just a matter of time before i can taste the fruit of my years of nurturing my abilities as an Artist. Patience! I have been told time and again and perseverence, after all what else is there to do?

I am a 'Blogger head'

I have been messing around with the blogg trying to get some decent sketches and drawing into the blogs as I had originally intended but so far my effort has been slow in coming. This blog was originally intended to include my daily works of art in any form albeit drawings painting or just photo shots I had taken. However due to my computer ignorance I have failed this more valuable part of the blog. Without the pictures it is just a boring piece of routine day to day moan and groan of life minus the excitement. I am still hunting around for someone who can really assist me in understanding how to get the pictures to my works down but in the meantime suffice it is with whatever i can accomplish on my own by trial and error.
In a few days my solo wexhibition at the Penang State Art Gallery will come to a close and I am glad that it will be over as I cannot afford running up and down trying to get things done at my own expense and sad to say that for lack of support. I am proud however that I even managed to get this far, having my face on a banner at the Dewan Seri Pinang Antrance to the Gallery and appearing in two news papers and a magazine. This my publicity stunt for the promotion of my works into the future. They are beginning to know who I am in the art scene and if I do get someone telling me that i need to asdvertise myself to sell my works, I can tell them to take a leap of faith into the Sungai Pinang River.

I woukld like to believe that everything i had done, have been doing and am doing has been preplanned in my Mind whether concious or unconciously. I feel this more eversince i had decided to keep the on going artistic journal of my life and careers, my experiences and accomplishments. This has no intention for self agrandizement but just another form of documentary Artistic presentation as an Art for Art's sake with a meaning attached, some goals or intention set into motion since its inception. The Cheeseburgerbuddha (CBB) is my alter-ego sometime taking the role of a devil's advocate and sometimes being a casula observer of life itself of what is happening in the world, the nation, the village where i am. The CBB observes with a sense of detached involvment or WU-Wei as the Zen Masters of old would have put it. Picking the Lotus so to speak, without getting the fingers wet. Living on the periphery of society, being the watcher the onlooker and making carefull documentation without fear or favor, bias or prejudiced and at the same time seeking for possible answers and solutions towards that which need assitance or ease of pain and suffering, a kindly word or a viable idea, a song or a sketch that evokes a smile, nothing very special in what I do just merely being a Cheeseburger buddha making sense out of non-sense.

CBB is my looking at my life and life in general with a sense of humor keeping my own sanity intact despite all the horrendous pains and suffering I see happening around me locally as well as Globally. I want to deperately believe that perhaps things are only happening within my own small mind and when I exit this life it will end but my obeservation of life thus far refuses me this dellusion, Iran will have her Nuclear weapon just like the rest of the Nuclear powers and Tibet will continue on being oppressed and suck dry of her spirituality by the Chinese government. Somalia and Sudan will go on with life as usual where millions are facing hunger and starvation and the US will lead the rest of the world into the unknown future where electric fences and barb wires will be a natural sight along every borders on the world despite our day and age of information technology. Here at home the country will go on with politics being dragged into the mud by minds incapable of reigning in their egotistical urges while in power all at the expense of the man on the street all in the name of 'the law' and with 'God' on their side.

What can I do to help make changes happen for the better, that this nation and her people can go on existing without the urge to commit suicide due to depression or despair? What can an artist do as an artist other than have his solo exhibitions and getting his name in the Who is Who or the local Media? These are legitimate questions that CBB eversince he was discovered some twenty odd years ago in the Town of Green Bay, Wisconsin, USA, has been grappling with without getting over presumptuous or sanctimonious about the whole thing. Through his Art, his writings, his singing and what everelse that he does as his form of self expression while he is loitering around on thwis plane before death catches up with him. It is a form of self justification as some wise men would accuse him but heck if it is, so what? It is better to try and justify one's exitance than never to make any effort even to understand why one is alive in the first place!

Is this all there Is?

While at the Peak of the Mystic Mountain and looking around me i have come to realize that it is all the same and not a thing has really changed whether one is at the top or standing there at the foot of the mountain. The baggage one has carried with one is still on one's shoulders and they are still the reminders of what or who you are or what you have perceived yourself to be. How does one change from what is into what???

Change is a turning off and on of the state of mind one is in from that which is into that which really is the state one seek to be in something or somewhere that presumably a state one desires. A state perhaps of ultimate reality or manifestation of Truth a break from this realm called in Buddhist term the world of Illusions 'Maya'. Reality is relative to each person in his or her conditioned mind and perceptions and what is real can only be real to the individual according to what his or her mind has arrived at in dealing with the nature of reality subject to the depth of understanding and deductive capabilites of the individual, the amount of knowledge accumulated and the power of direct perception itself into the nature of what is Truth. To arrive at this stage in life one has to have earned the rights of passge which in my case includes having covered enough grounds in years and space having lived on this planet with one sole desire and that is to come face to face with my own original nature in Truth.

I was invited to a press conference for the 'D-Home' society for their launching of a fundraisng drive which will take place on the 4th next month. I had donated two of my Mono prints for the occaision and these will be autioned on the date. As I sar listening to the presentation I was impressed and it was the call I had been hoping for as I had always wanted to make one form of contribution or another towards a charity of my choice and this was perfect. D-Home is an organization that is concerned with the mentally ill and those in need of some form of psychiatric aid. I might need their services in the future who can say?

My article appeared in the 'Star Papers today! WOW! I am stepping in to tyhe unknown it said taking my chances becoming a full time Artist at a time when just about everyone is telling me to get a job! Yes it is a challenge and my faults and errors, my weaknesses of the past has surfaced more than ever to discourage me from such an undertaking; there is just no livng that can be made out of being an artist these days at least no in this country. There is a lack of aesthetic appriciation and a drive away from the creative arts as superfluous or a waste of money and time. At the behest of the ruling power it is best to focus on growing things and raising fish or chickens for the benifit of the hungry nation. All these while I wonder what we have been living on and why the sudden need for much more food when the nation has not really multiplied in numbers so tremendously that we are in dire need of more to eat. The government may have its reasons other than the rise in oil and various other prices including food but this is still Maya!

Truth is we have become a nation of wasters for too long and we have squandere our wealth unrestraintly when we had more than we needed. We are a corrupted lot all of us from top to bottom and we would sell our mothers at the drop of a hat to survive or get a little more of our 'share'. One is never enough for us and given a chance we want to become not only independantly wealthy as the rights of everyone to be but we wnat to be filthy rich given whatever it takes. We will keep on building higher and higher till there no more room up there to build and we will keep on pointing our fingers at eachother when things goes wrong but the day we learn to point a finger at our own errors and weaknesses is yet to come, we still beleive we are right and being right gives us the power to waste whatever it is that our country has to offer untill our very natural resources runs dry and our hills and mountain are barren eroded to the bone while our rivers and oceans gets silted and polluted beyond return. Do we care? Hell no!

We are a nation more interested in who sodomize who and how we can manipulate our losses to make things looks just as rosy as though we are innocent and pure in our intentions. We cannot take defeat without chewing off our fingers and we cannot say I am sorry without making it sound like it is a curse. We pride ourselves for being a multiracial nation like none other in the world but we have yet to learn about our neighbor what or how their lives can be eased with our little help. Compassion and Love has become an alien word in our vocabulary and sharing and giving is a foolishness only ppreached and practiced by those who has none or little to give in the first place. So how can we ever see beauty or aesthetic awareness around us without some form of prejudiced preconceived ideas lurking behind our perceptions. Such qualities are for the intellects and the cultured few we say, for us there is only the rise in oil prices and the sodomy of Government officials in one form or another. This the legacy we are leaving our next generation along with the desicrated environment.

The fine arts may oneday be a thing of the past in the psyche of the next few generations of clones and computer nerds to be replaced by the state of the art computerized images that can create much greater illusionsa than ever before so much so the nothing in the world is sacred anymore as all can be altered to the finest untraceable likeness by the computer generated imgery. We trust what we see and pictures tell a thousand words, not so anymore, you cannot trust what you see unless you are so myopic that your perception is sorely in need of an aesthetis operation. The veils that is place upon our sense of perception and our conciousness is getting thicker and thicker and our hearts are getting blinded by layers of dellusions created for us that we have become enveloped in a darkness of our own creation, yet we still believe we are on the right track towards our salvation whatever that may be for ech and everyone of us.
The AlMIghty have mercy on all of us!!

The Summit of Mystic Mountain

The openning ceremony of my solo exhibition took place yesterday officiated by Encik Hanif in absence Dr. Najib Dawa the Director of the National Gallery. It was to be expected and although a little disappointed I had the feeling that this would be the case. I gave the first speach and my message to the small turn out was to point out the fact that the Fine Arts in this country is being marginalized and more often out of the picture with some institutions of higher learnings in this country. That the 'full time artist is finding it harder and harder to make a living wihtout having to take on another jobe to supplemant their incomes. I made the attempt to point out that Art is key to building up a nation that is ever original in its creative products and ideas.

Present were a number of people who patronize my art works since my first solo exhibition here, people who have been very supportive in all manners to make sure that I am able to keep on being productive as an Artist. Mrs. Ambi Devi, Joe Rosli Sidek and Leekhai are among those who were present and those not being able to make it due to other commitments that i would have also like to mention is Encik Hasnul Jamal Saidon, the Director of the Tuanku Fauziah Gallery at USM. There were a few fellow artists who were the and I received their thumbs up for the show.

I have made my mark on the Art scene in my own hometown, I have reached the 'Summit of The Mystic Mountain'. There is not much to view from the top to be greatly excited about having reached my goal but there is a sense of satisfaction nevertheless. I have stood before my peers and my children and delivered what i had committed myself to. This is another conerstone for my children to witness that their father is an accomplisher and despite the odds against him has has touched yet another level of success that not too many has in their lives. I always believe that the man is the model for his offsprings failing which the children would turn to others to emulate the good or bad habits in their lives. I also believe that one's actions and performances in life, one's success and accomplishments in life are the strongest message one can give to one's children for them to use as guidences in the lives.

I also touched the subject of why I chose to present myself as an artist is such a manner, documantation of my life through art and writing and has tus accumultaed so much over the years both in my written as well as art works. I am a seeker of Truth, my motivational force as I have always maintained is to 'Know who I am' beyond this physical existance, my 'Original Buddha Nature'. IN oreder to arrive at such a knowledge i have found that I had to unburden myself of all that which i think, all that which I had envisioned and all that my mind has preconceived of who I am. I have to unlearn, let go of and become empty of who I assume myself to be after all these years of existance. No amount of reading , no amount of listening to preachings and words of wisdom cna bring myself to catch a glimpse of my Original nature, if there is such a thing, but faith tells me that there is. Faith is a virtue i have come to grasp over the last few years since my wife fell ill and is no longer with me at least physically. This strong faith that grows daily from inside out results from all the years of soul searching, way seeking mind, the trials and errors of going through life taking what comes sometimes with pride and dignity as a man and sometimes squandering all my resistances and succumbing to weakness and vices that has pulled me towards my own self destruction.

Being a Muslim my faith in Allah, the AlMighty, Creator of the Worlds is slowly but surely taking a grip upon my soul. I may not be the devote Muslim like my brothers and sisters but i feel His prescence ever closer through every moment of my waking as well as my sleep state. I am still a student of Mahatma Ghandi in the sense that to me 'life is an experiment'. An ongoing experiment to be observed and recorded nin every possible ways and means and all the datas and informations collected are to be disected and analyzed and the conclussion arrived at is to be manifested in one form or another is my everyday life's experiences and expressions. I have been doing this almost unconciously now as though this is how I am or who I am while in this state of my life on this planet. It has brought me this far for better or for worse and I am beginning to feel the closeness of my end approaching and the beginning of the next phase openning itself before me. If I am asked am I scared of death, I would say yes only to the fact that it might be a painful process at least physically after that I am no more concern with what lies ahead of me I might even look forward to facing the after life as this one is wearing itself out in its importance and necessity. Dont misread me, I love life passionately and had lived my life as evidenced more than passionately but all great moments must come to and end and the end is only the beginning of who nkows even greater adventures, greater experiments?

Malaysia oh Malaysia

There are parts of this country that most of us who lack the desire to travel and witness for ourselves that can be very humbling to experience especailly if one is from a well to do family with all the trimmings life has to offer. There are little pockets of spaces where people dwell a very simple life catering to very limited needs to live. The rustic Malay houses along the coast of Terengganu is one of those places where today one still can enjoy the humble experience of having little and wanting less for the price of serenity and contentment. In this day and age where enough is never enough and wastage is the norm a trip into the fishing villages the litters the coastal areas along the South China sea can be and enlightening experience.
The Fishing Village at Batu Rakit or that at Seberang Takir or further north where Merang is are a few of the places one can drop by and pass the time just being aimlessly lost in time and space.

Masjid Kapitan Keling

The Maghrib prayer is in progress at the Kapitan Keling Mosque ans Rashid has left to perform his Wudu' or cleansing before the prayer ans I had just told him that i am still struggling with praying five tiems a day. So here I am doing what I have been doing whenever i am at a loss and in the twilight zone. I have been feeling like 'sitting in limbo and waiting for the tide to roll' for the last few months wondering when my life will change for the better. I worked for my cousin at the catering place stirring three pos of beaf, chicken and Dalca curries for one thousand five hundred wedding guests since six in the morning till about noon and my body is telling it. Lter in the afternoon drove to the USM Gallery hoping to do some work but did not do much other than packed my journals and the long scroll painting and headed for the penang State Art Gallery where they told me that my invitation cards for the show were ready to be picked up if I wanted to. The Gallery was closed, on a bloody Sunday! So I stopped by at my artist friend's Rashid to catch up with what is going on with the Art scene in Penang.

We taled about politics as this is his favorite subject and watched a video on the net about 'Malaya' ten years before independance the years just before the British left the country, a part of histroery which the history books today has neglected. Then we talked of life and religion where I told him of my problems and he explained to me how he got his saving grace. Rashid had gone through a rough ride most of his life too in his effort to finally become a ful time artist in his case a portrait painter. He is working on the potrait of the Sultan of Perlis at the moment and it is coming along splendidly, he might ask for 40 thousandRM for it he told me. He made 70 thousandRM on the last two potraits not to long ago and paid up his home loan ans now with this piece he hope to have a fianacial clean slate. Rashid is a kind and gentle person who speaks from his heart and it is very comforting to listen to him even if he keeps repeating the same old stories everytime we have these conversations. We are at his studio Gallery which is also the Penang Malay Artist Gallery annexed to the Karitan Kling Mosque a prominant landmark for this city.

I am getting ready to leave to pick up my daughter at her friend's house wher I had dropped her off for the day, they were going for a picnic she had told me with her friend's parents and I am very relieved as I had not been able to do much for her in terms of entertaiment. My son Karim is home as always most probably looking into the mirror every five minutes to see if his hair is in place or if he will ake it as an actor. I love them and I feel I have ot given them enough than I should. I am still wondering what had is ging on with my number one son the pilot who has stopped communicating for quite sometime now hoping that all is well with him too. It is not easy to be a parent my parents used to tell me and now i am learnig just how hard.

Freeing the Soul

The Penang, Heart and Soul exhibition is another effort at baring my spirit ans soul wide open for my own benifit in the process of self analysis or towards self discovery through Art and writing. There are as i have kept reminding myself thisngs and events in my life that I cannot fully reveal for obvious reasons one of which it might incriminate me in the court of law like getting my ass sued by some long forgotten event that might have pissed off some one beyond forgiving. But otherewise i have tried my best to tell myself of the events that I had experienced and the people whose life I have touched positive or negatively, the successes i have had and the failures I incurred just like a confessional to a non existant priest or to the Universe. I am not asking for any response from anyone and am very happy to see that my Blog is hardly visited or commented upon. I am not trying to justify my existance or why I am alive but on the other hand am trying to come to understand the whys and the wherefore, not the what ifs or the what could have been but the how to.

In a way my blog cannot help but be viewed as a didatic or even as an Autobiographical theses for those who indulge into such simmilar fruitless venture for lack of better things to do in life. If it is I am glad if it can be of help in any small way for someone else to find any small sense of wisdom to be gained from these rambblings, otherwise suffice to say that this is my own journey, the path i have chosen to untangle the tanlges of my own personal life. What is also the truth is that i enjoy writing just as much as I enjoy sketching or painting and why not? It beats the hell out of watching DVDS or reading about the political soap operas in the local News Papers.It beats the ehll out of worrying about where the next rent and car payment is going to come from or if my son is interested in school or not or if my wife will ever wake up from her catatonic state while wheel chair ridden somewhere in the State of Illinois' Nursing Home. Most of all it beats the hell out of wondering if I'd go to Heaven or Hell when I die.

Simmilarly when I am sketching or painting or doing any form of creative activity I go through the same mind state where tiem flies swiftly without my being aware that two or three hours had passed me by unnoticed and the travails of my life forgotten. This is in a sense is what i find sitting Zazen or meditation does to my mind just before i go to sleep or when I wake up every morning. meditating has become a part of my life just as much as smoking ciggarettes is and i wish i can quit the later but that is another story. The most benificial aspect of meditative effort is in getting in touch with my physical body where with every breath I conciously take in and out reveals all the aches and pains of the day's or the night's activities and am able to unleash most of the kinks and tightness that had accumulated in certain areas due to one excess activity or another. The shoulders are often the most subjected to aches and pains for obvious reasons throughout the day and usually the neck suffers from the sleeping period. Breathing is a sure way to unwind the physical contractions that we subject ourselves throughout our daily actvities whether driving or sketching. How often we forget to pay attention towards our postures in every activity we undertake and over a period of time our body athrophied especially in the areas most subjected to the activity we are undertaking. like writng this blog which causes the lower back pains and the shoulder aches at the end of the day. These can be avoided simply by taking long deep breaths and closing one's eyes to re- arrange or re-allign one's posture thus allowing for better blood circulation. The breathing exercise will bring our conciouness towards our inner being as well like getting centered again after drifting too far away from it.

This the practice primarily of Hatha Yoga and Pranayama Yoga, that of the body and breath. I have incorporated among my practice most of my adult life some form of these exersises which i find had helped me tremendosely in keeping my body and mind from getting lethargic or indollent, from drifting off into la- la- land and with the eventual ending of taking a nap or resorting to a smoke. This is an Art, this is the Art of knowing yourself just as much as writing and sketching are and the more deeper or thorough one practices these disciplines the more in touch one becomes with one's Soul and the closer one gets InSha'Allah to one's Maker. To dive deep into one's primordial state of being, the state of original nature or the state before one was conceived by the parents takes a whole lifetime of practice from avoiding the pitfalls and recharging the worn out energy supplies, from harnessing untapped anergies to being able to detatch the mind and body from the influences of the surrounding environment, this is discipline and it takes a certain amount of discipline to even begin the journey towards arriving at this just like the effort to begin a painting.

Penang, Heart and Soul

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My solo exhibition is barely a week from today and i am still looking for ways to frame my works and how to display them at the Gallery. I have been through this situation everytime i had a show in the past and somehow so so far the shows came to be and most were well received by the general public. I have been asked why I have my shows, what is the purpose other than trying to make a living out of selling a piece or two to cover my costs and time and I rarely have came up with a decent enough answer. It has always been my contention that my works is an ongoing rpocess of self discovery, a journey of sorts to realize who am I and often enough this answer is met with a skeptical frown from those who are well established as Artists and Art critics. It is a cliche as I have been told a few days ago, so what is my true intention, what do I hope to gain, what is my sense of purpose? And as my former Zen Master used to ask me everytime we met, "Shamsul san, what is your original intention, your original motive?" It is like the Buddha asking what is your original Buddha Nature?

Why become an artist and living like a pauper, a parasite to society family and friends, to be humiliated and frowned upon for the lack of financial stability. Why subject myself to working at great length of time day and night creating pieces of ideas on canvass and sketch books when all around me people are struggling to stay alive day to day at the food line and welfare offices? What do i hope to prove or convice myself of with this 'cliche'? I could have made my million if I had stuck to my course of life as a sallary man eversince i had my first job in life for i was good at whatever i put my mind to. Had i stayed put like everyone else and stick to one job my whole life without making so many changes sometimes at the drop a hat. Today I on looking back in time and circumstances I realize that my life like many others like me was in my contral pretty much as I made the decissions and they were to suit what I wanted and not what was right or wrong at the time or forced tob e made by someone else or circumstance. This i beleive is the result of my practice of 'Raja Yoga' eversince i was exposed to the teachings. Although most of these events in my life were products of my thoughts and conciousness which I believe is the basic principle of Raja Yoga or Yoga of the Mind, I must admit that most of these events manifested without my consious relization or knowledge of the connection they had to my practice of Raja Yoga. It is only quite recently that I am beginning to make the connections and come to understand why and how such and such an event had taken place in my life, they are definitely not random occurances!

If there is any meaning at all to life it is to me this realization that i have very strong influence over my own destiny and what I think and wish for has great implications over what takes place in my entire life the good as well as the bad, it is all a matter of time. Having devoted long enough time contemplating and meditating throughout my life I now feel the fruittion of these practices and had I really been true to them like the Masters of old, the Great Yogis or Zen and Shaolin Masters, the Native American Shirt Wearers or the Taoist Priests, who knows where i'd be right now. But I squandered my resistance along the way getting sidetracked into the roadside attractions and sometimes getting sucked into playing the roles they had laid for me till completion before i am back on the track I had set myself through my understanding and practices. Each and every Dharma Gate upon entry has to be has to be played out till it burns itself to conclusion before the next gate opens itself for one to enter, this I am beginning to realize in my life. The more Gates we enter the more Dharma or 'Drama' we take upon ourselves and we create more and more Karmic consequences when we fail to resolve or find a resolve and free ourselves from the circumstances that had held us in captive from the moment we entered a Gate.

"Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasam gate...Bodhi Svaha!"

The Maha Prajna Paramita Hridaya Sutra or better known as The Heart Sutra of the the Buddha ends with this exultation pronounced as Ga-tay, Ga-tay... or gone, gone, Para-ga-tay, gone beyond...Parasam ga-tay, gone beyonf the concept of the word gone...All hail!
This i come to understand is how one has to leave a Dharma realm or any rodaside attraction tha we stumble upon or create for ourselves in this life, erassed, eradicated cleaned and purified of its tiniest stain within and without so that we enter the next Gate a clean slate just like being reborn or being, born-again. Without this 'tabula rasa'state of being we will forever keep dragging our previous existance into our future often leaving a trail of unfinished business or incomplete courses. What has become of he who claims to be my son living in Switzerland or where is my oldest boy who flies the friendly skies, where is my wife at or whatever happened to this and that unresolved issues that I had wiggled or forced to extract myself from for the past 59 years? I am still carrying them all on my back in my subconcious mind whether i reallize it or not. It is no doubt that my back hurts and mind is overburdened with a hosts of ghostly images that haunts me in my waking hours and in my sleep. It is no wonder that I find myself wandering down empty roads and blind alleys notr knowing where or what is happening to me often times and blaming God and the rest of humanity for my ignorances.

What has all these got to do with being an Artist? or having an Art Exhibition?

My works may not adorn the walls of prestigeous Galleries or end up in some filthy rich Art Collectors' storage room and I never and will not paint or create works simply to please another's Ego, but my works are being created in the process of trying to destroy mine. If there is an intention or goal to why I have these shows it is to be able to share myself, my searcha and quest towards a 'Right Understanding of Who am I". Right Understanding is the first of the Buddha's 'Eight Fold Path". In everything i do every move i take, in every though that is manifested in my mind I strive to act with right understanding, however I am subjected to human frailties or weaknesses just like everyone else and often enough have made one move too many in ignorance. Thus like everyone else I am stuck in this realm wheeling and dealing my way through to survive and make into the next realm albeit the 'Alam Kubor' or Alam barzakh, the grave or the pergetory, heaven or hell whichever lay in store for the likes of me or if not I might end up returning as a bitch being so sexually driven that i have been throughout this life. The only way to be able to share this journey with those who are receptive enough or those who comes knocking at my door is to expose myself and the best way i know is to have a Solo Exhibition at the Balai Seni Lukis Pulau Pinang or the Penang State Art gallery.

House Keeping

Arrived at my 'Studio' annexed to the back of the Museum Gallery USM and for lack of better things to do decided to do some house cleaning in the general area. I have a little problem with messy environments especially when it takes just a little effort to get the place together into a more presenttable area. It is hard to accept the genral attitude of letting the environment go to hell by littering and hapzardly discarded materials after being used. This is an institution that champions the sciences and the environment in particular but this is seldom relfected when one takes a closer look at the backyards of some of the buildings around the campus. What would Mr.Brown and the likes of him who originally had designed and set up this whole facility in the early days of the development of the general area in Penang. This however is not the only location that is neglected in the whole Island and if one wanders around one can loose onself into garbage depression. It is sad that we humans has the tendency to create so much garbage out of our sense of being creative, that while create so many great and beautiful things for ouselves we have the tendency to leave it up to others to clean up after us. often enough you will find some good and reuseable materials thrown away along with the waste.

In education it is imperative that the idea of picking up after oneself is being instilled into the student's minds right from the onstart of the first project they undertake. The classroom or studio or lab should be maticulously clean prior to the students entry and this fact should be pointed out to the students so that they have a very good idea of how they should leave the place at the end of the day. Just as parents moan and groan at their kids about cleaning up after themselves teachers and employers too should insist upon this habit of making sure that the environment in which they operate is treated with great respect before and after use: this is the first principle of Safety at Work.

One of the lessons that I learned having lived in Japan for three year is the fact that the Japanese are very particular about their work area being presentable and not cluttered. Except for a few individuals who personally leave their work area as they prefer it to be regardless of its state, just the way they like as they can find what they are looking for desoite the mess kind of attitude, the general public frowns upon messiness. Perhaps due to the lack of space for themselves due to the lack of land areas the Japanese maintains a high efficiency in the landuse and the respect for space. A clean well ordered environment reflects upon a mind simmilar in nature, messy space messy mind.

Working for three years as a Health and Safety Officer for three different comapnies at the Petronas Refinery Project in Kerteh, Trengganu and later in Gebeng,Pahang, I practiced this principle when executing my responsibilities at the sites. Iinsisted upon good housekeeping as a priority for every project that I took care of. It worked as most of the workers understood my intentions and saw the wisdom of this principle which resulted in no accidents and smooth flow of work while I was the Safety Officer. It is often overlooked that good housekeeping is like keeping ones home in good order to avoid clutterings which inevitably leads on to accidents or other negative effects like the breeding of mosquitoes and the destruction of good amterials due to wetness or exposed to the elements. Good House keeeping also ensures the proper flow of traffic and excess and egress when times of emrgencies demands for a safe passage through the area. It is needless to say that cleanliness is next to Godliness in all circumstances whether in like or in the hereafter.

Ng Bee Solo Exhibition@ Gallery Seni Mutiara

The usual 'Artists' crowd was at the oppening of the Ng Bee Solo Exhibition plus of minus a few and i made one or two more new acquaintances involved in the Art Scene. Ng bee's pieces were very captivating in style and the balance of colors and lines,solids and spaces and they are mostly abstract paintings originating from sketches as their sizes are a factor to be considered whether they are sketches or to classified as paintings, if one is into classifying things in life. I like his works and I enjoy th artist as he seemed real and down to earth, its hard to come by genuine items these days with alot of pseudo Artists who have gained their fame and fortune through the ability to master a technique just like and electrician or a plumber has mastered his tools and techniques of trade.
What entails an Artist in my book is off course not what Artist is for most others as it is as relative an issue as asking the question of, Who am I? On this subject i had a good dialogue with and Chinese Artist whose seemed quite well known among those present but whose name had skipped my mind. He reminded me of my Art teacher the late Reza Piadasa in character and in opinion and from having had this conversation I deduce that he was just as intelligent. These in my opinion are characters who have earned the rights of passage in being who they are and will take no nonsense from anythin or anyone when it comes to what they are good at, which often times is about covers the whole spectrum of life itself. I enjoyed being grilled over my cockaninny ideas about my take on why I do Art the way that I am doing it now. No holds barred, like what the hell do i know about living as an artist?
It was enlightening to listen to someone who is above himself for a change as he was genuine in his expression and doubtless to say I learned a few good tips from a master in the Art of 'Being' and Artist in these days and age. Our conversation got around to Religions and Zen in particular and the whole 'cliche' as he puts it about seeking for the answer to the question on who you are ans so forth. I agreed with him all along as it seemed that was what was called for at an Art oppening. I avoided telling him that Abstract Art is a Cliche and for that matter being an Artist is a cliche but that would have led into futher discussion which might end up into a free for all at the Gallery. I took his lambasting with a grain of salt as I have heard many times before these kind of condescending sentiments from thase who hold themselves above others. Despite getting my ego trounced and my self esteem drowned, I had a very thorough understanding of who I am and where i am at at the moment in time. He brought himself down when he decided to criticize Islam for prohibiting alcohol and how he admired the Bengladeshis for being more liberal at their drinking habits, he might have visited Bangladesh. This point made it was time for the conversation to come to a close at least before the subject of four wives and Fasting came up.

I worked for my cousin Salleh the past two days as there was a good amount of catering orders for the weekend and so I made a hundred which should cover the week for all three of us. My kids and i have resorted to Maggi Noodles soup for the last few days. Not bad, but Maggi is not good as staple diet anyone can tell you that as the ingredients contains too much chemicals in the form of preservatives. Get a job! Someone is screaming tn the back of my head. Quit moaning and groaning there those much worse off than you and thank your lucky stars that you are living in a country where there is no natural disasters worth taking notice of except for the politically man made. These are rambblings I remind myself as the title of the blog suggested when I got off writing and they are what they are, not for anyone to read much less make any comment, but if anyone insist on taking a poke at it well take a closer look at the finger poking and make sure that it is pure of any stains of flaws and faults. This is my road to find out and my path to discover just as the Zen master would have suggested, this is the burning ball of steel at the pit of my stomach upon which I meditate upon each breath of my 'way seeking mind'. If anyone stumbles upon this blog and decides to waste their time reading it and by chance they come to learn a lesson or two from it for themselves, Hellilooyah!

My upcoming show at the Penang State Art Gallery is happening soon. It start on the 16th of July and ends on the 30th. The official launching date will be on the 19th of July and it will be officiated by the present Director of The National Art Gallery, Prof. Dr. Najib Dawa who was fomerly the Dean of the Fine Arts Department at USM. The show will mmainly display the one hundred feet long sketch in black and white of the Georgetown are in Penang. People and buildings, historical or otherwise, stree corners and foodstalls, all the fmamiliar places where most Penangites would readily recognize. Its a documentary kind of exhibition which also will display a selection of my sketch books from years gone by till up to date covering the three major countries and events in my life of Malaysia, The US and japan. It will also include some monoprints and sketches done on canvas to fill up the walls.
I look forward to this show and most probably it will be my last effort at having solo exhibitions in this country as simply put I cannot afford the time much less the money. I am thankful to my Lord for having given me the Grace to have come this far in my Art. It will be a dream fulfilled in some small way and another accomplishment thAT i can share with my loved ones, fellow Artists and family and friends wherever they are. For the skeptics, this is just another justification of my existance laid out in style and recorded for posterity...how far of how near am I?

Cancellation of Alpha Utara Solo Show

The Alpha Utara Gallery owner Mr. Sui Hoe wrote me an email saying that due to the replacement of new staff at the Gallery there will be no shows at the gallery til later date and all those shows already slated for exhibition will be canceled. Whoopee! So much for a lucky break when you needed it. Now it leaves me with the Solo Show at the Penang State which will be opened on the 19th. The show will be Entitled Penang Heart and Soul and hopefully to be officiated by the Director of the National Art Gallery, Dr.Prof. Najib Dawa. Ihave been lloking forward to this show till the last few weeks wheren I could not find any help in setting up my works in terms of framing and mounting. I have asked Mr. Lee Khai of the Alpha Utara gallery to be the curator and he has agreed to do it however he also asked me to approach Joe Sidek as he might be the better person to do it. Talked to Joe this morning after dropping off my daughter at the Little Penang Street Market where she works at the information booth. Joe as usual was too busy setting up his stall for me to have any chance of communicating about my intention with him. Without some financial help in terms of framing and setting up of the works I am at a loss. The show might go on but the quality of putting up the works effectively will be compromised.
Lee and Joe are the two people at the moment that i am counting on in lending me a helping hand to set up this show and Lee is more or less committed to it but Joe has yet to give an answer. Is this part of the 'Test' for me as an artist? What more can happen before i am allowed a free passage to hold a perfect sho without too much stumbling block standing in my way? I have tried but I guesse i have not tried hard enough or perhaps I am looking for simpler solutions to my problems. I like both these gentlemen and appreciate very much for what they have tried to do for me in motivating myself towards not giving up being creative and even excell despite my shortcomings. I hate to think that they might take it that i am taking them for granted if I do not go on with the show on account of not being able to meet the simple demands of hanging the works without asking for their help when I need it.
I am on the verge of cancelling this show too for there are times when I have felt it too much for too little, as it cost me too much time and money and the returns is questionable. I cannot give up now that it is about to happen my chance to finally have a show at the State Art Gallery.
Today met an artist while I was doing a sketch at a coffee shop having my breakfast at Taman Saadon in Bukit Gelugor. His name is Hasnee A.Rahman and he is a 'Sports Artist' like the American Painter Neiman Marcus. Hasnee seems like a well established artis and has a gallery in Taman Melawati in KL. After taking him to the USM Gallery Tuanku Fauziah for a visit we learned that he had known my twin brother who had also bought a painting from him at one time. I enjoy talking to him about the state of Art and Artists in Malaysia today and was not surprised to learn that Malaysia is not a friendly environment for artists to make a living at especially Malay Artists who have no strong connections or are patronized by art collectors.

After our visit together I went back to the Gallery at USM and thought out what I make of this state of my day to day living. What am i not doing right, what can I do to further make things happen so that i can produce my works without too much hassle? I find that the only thing can do is to keep on doing what I am doing and do it alot better just because. The car is paid up and so is the rent and my children are at home or working at Little Penang and all I have is time on my hand to do what I am suppose to do. Finish the long sketch and get it to the State gallery and let the Staff there figure it out how to hand a one hundred feet long sketch. The rest is easy to handle, so be it.

Fare well to Brother Syed

Scorn me not,
judge me not,
but know me for who I am
A man on a journey towards his Maker just like any of his fellow man.
I had not dared to reveal the nature of this being who I am, its only because some truths are best buried for the dead.
Let me unveil myself from the layers of dellusions that is covering me with good understanding, Right Understanding.
How far or how near am i to my Maker?
This is the question that has haunted me for most of my life as i know i am a sinner and for even wanting to know the answer. However what else is there that really matters in one's life if not to seek the truth one's True Nature or as the Budhist calls it "The Original Buddha Mind?"
Who am I? Why am I a part of this humanity, this that is called Life? Do I have a choice to being here, being who I am, being born and raised in this form and emptiness, space and time?
The Buddha said that 'Life is Suffering', sickness and poverty, impermanence and death. He should know he was at one time the son of one of the most powerful Kings in India and he gave it all up, wine and women, mother and child to find the 'Truth' to the meaning of life.
I could become a serious Buddhist! Shave my head and live in a monastery somewhere in Southern Tailand, it too would be a fun change. Nah! I would rather not be accused of Murtad by my fellow Muslims who claims that their ways have brought them closest to Allah. Anyway two years in the Zen Buddhist practice was more than enough to turn my mind around for a little bit. When in doubt, Sit! ZAZEN!
I arrived early thiis morning from Kuala Terengganu where i attended my Brother in law's funeral, he passed on while being treated at the Cance care center in Kuala Lumpur and his body was driven to Kuala terengganu to be laid to rest. My cousin in Sungai Pinang Mohd Kalam woke my daughter up at 2.30 am to hand me the hand phone. I was told that Syed had passed away. At 3.00am I was driving on the penang Bridge headed for Kuala Terengganu alone. I filled up the Kancil with three quater tank full of gas and checked the air at a shell along the Jelutong speedway. The elderly Chinese gentleman asked me to fill up a form for qualifying to win a few thousand Ringgit on the upcoming lucky draw, I obligated.
While driving through the early morning over the mountain ranges of Gunung Barisan that devides the East from the West Coast I was crying my heart out in the Kancil while taking corners projected at the distance by the beams of her high lights. I owe this little car my life on this trip I drove without even thinking if she was going to make it but she proved a great car, great on mileage and keeps one from speeding. I felt such a surge of emosions from deep within exploded into words and I was talking to my Maker, ( I do this often), usually i would be the one doing 100 percent of the talking, He, I hope only listens. This happened after i was getting such a spritual high from my songlike Zikhr ul Allah. I felt th dam broke loose as i felt His prescence, His Mercy and Compassion, I was like a the Dervishes after they had spin long enough they had their touch with their Maker, the touch of the Devine.
It touches your souls whenever you are most receptive and vulnerable, it awakens your spirit to a glimpse of the Light of Truth, it snaps you out of your despair and gives you a hope and a fighting chance to make a good living while at the same time being rejuvenated physically and emotionally, the kind of food only man needs...Faith.
When it was all over and the little car still on the road I was driving and singing Bob Dylon's? Raindrops Keep Fallin on My Head out into the surrounding darknest like nothing ever happened. It was a peaceful cruise all the way downhill toward Jeli in Kelantan, it the kind of drive where man and machine sing the same tune and feels the same cold morning air. I have discovered 'Faith' in my little car. Me and the car had a man-car- bonding! After the last accident we had I was still not 100% myself when driving, not like the good old days when one rebounds quicker.
I enjoy night driving as it gives me a chance to enjoy the darkness around me while i mentally drive deeper within my heart to conjure more stuff to the surface. The dangers that One faces at night also helps one to stay awake with an extra focus in body and mind, falling asleep on the wheel is not an option especailly when crossing the Maint range of mountians the backbone of the Malay Peninsular that devided the East Coast from the West.The short of it is that long distance driving at night is a powerful form of meditation within and without but with the price of gas going the way it is it is not such a practical thing to do even if one is seeking God Himself. But I had a justifyable reason, I was on my way to Syed's funeral.

Science Carnival/ Solo Exhibition,Mohd.Noor Mahmud

The Deputy Minister of Science & Technology & Inovation, Y.B Haji Fadillah Yusof, officiated and launched the Science carnival and Solo Art Exhibition at the Muzeum Tuanku Fauziah, USM this morning. I had to get my two cents worth into the program by doing a fast charcoal sketch of the launching event and presented the sketch to the Minister. I hope it will find a space somewhere on his wall in his home or office in the future or at least it will find a space in his heart as a memory of the event. I am glad i did this as I was not at the top of myself when i left my home without a dollar in my pocket to say the least. But in order not to bring myself down and let the day become just another uneventful if not another dog day afternoon. By my performance there were students who gathered around raising questions and making remarks of what I was doing and this too was to me an accomplishment as it added to them yet another aspect of their education and being there.
The Minister's speach dealt mostly with the need for the development of extensive R&R into the IT and the need for innovative as wel as creative aspirations among budding scientist and artist. The trend that is set by globalization is affecting the country if not the world and as Malaysians it is our aim and aspiration to stay abreast with what is going on in the Global network of communication. This is the age of Information and those who have the knowhow stands to gain an edge over those who lack behind in every respect of community as well as global survival.

As an artist I am offcourse a little perturbed by the fact that with the every event of change in the Government the Fine Arts related activities gets the 'Transparency' act, which simply means the cut in budget sometimes for no ryhme or reason.The Fine Arts through history that i can recollect of has alwys become the forst to go whenever there is a financial crunch so much so that in most schools in Malaysia there is no Art classes, not even the basic drawing class! This is indeed a tragedy of error in the educational system of the nation. While science is being persued into outer space exploration Art is being grounded or 'Deep Six' for most of the financial consideration. Ther will most probably come a time when this nation will end up having alot of great scientists with barely any Artist worth mentionning in the Global field of education. No doubt we do have a handful of 'Masters' among our artists whose names has reached global recognition or at least made it to Christies's Auction,but these are mostly self made artists who despite the lack of p government financial support of collective sponsorship had perservered on their own to achieve the impossible. Most self subsisting Artist do not have any form of remunerations as far as getting a Social Security or Provident Funds set aside for them in their times of need nor do they have health or retirement benifits, most self employed Artist are out there on their own to do or die. Fortunate are those artists who have found a sponsor or benifactor who is willing to sacrifice their time ans money to support the artist who has made a commitment to be a fulltime artist devoting their time towards creative endeavors with the hope that it will help to promote a more creative thinking socitey or inspire the future generation who are not scientifically inclined to find a venue for their sense of worth being a part of the healthy society. Ironically one would find that most of our young who are trapped by drug abusses are artistically inclined but have no way of discovering their potential due to the lack of support and understanding for their talents. They become dropouts accepting the fact that being a musician or a painter in these dyas and age have no significant or financial value.
Creativity is the crux of every existing developing nation's striving to compete for survival whether in the Sciences or the Arts. To afford for creative thinking the student has to learn from day one the 'Art' of creative thinking and this is mostly achieved through the process of Artistic development of the mental faculty. Art and creativity is synonimous and for those who is able to create with an artistic ability and express with scientific accuracy there is no limit for success. When the left and the right brain is equally utilised there is perfect balance and the student if better equipped to handle the pressures that is inherent in mastering either of these faculties of the mind. This dual thinking mind the ancient have dubbed the Ying and Yang forces of Male and Female energies in today's day and age is fully being studied by various groups and entities to further understand the dynamics of the mind's capactiy to think scientifically as well as creatively. Einstien played the violin while DaVinci had designed submarines and helicopters in his days. Those who had failed to develop both their left and right brain functions have often found that their minds are limited. Their capability to express themselves when presenting their discoveries to the general public become dull or sterile thus robbing themselves of their accomplishments at the human level of understanding.
With the advent of collective thinking by the introduction of the computer and the internet most creative thinkers have been able to share their aspirations and accomplishments with the world at large. The collective mind is our next target into the future where everything that is projected into the syberspace is being monitored by the rest of world on line and in this capacity the sharing of these ideas are heightened and developed at greater speed with greater impact. Art and science must coexist hand in hand for those who seek to become global thinkers and contributors, gone are the days when Art is for the Aesthetically inclined or science is for the laboratories. Art and science has become a singular form manifest within a collective conciousness.

Fuel Price hit the Ceilling

It is a matter of time before shit hits the fence when it comes to the issue of fuel shortages as there is a limit to how much man can keep sucking the ground dry of its oil contents. No doubt there is most probably some uncovered sources yet laying beneath the earth or the ocean surfaces but for the time being fuel prices are hitting the ceiling for one reason or another and the world population are feeling the pinch some more brutally than others. Gone are the days when man could live on firewood and bullock carts, bicycles and kerocene lamps for every other hom has to have at least one or two TVs, one or two cars one or two bad habits.

The care for our sustainable resources has taken a back sit among those who are out to rape and plunder the planet all in the name of development and progress. We neglect to address or at time totally deny the replete of our ozone layer causing climate changes making believe that the inevitable will not occur in our lifetime if not now perhaps in our children's lifetime and by them who cares we are dead and gone anyway. Nature is taking her toll and the climate in particular is changing slowly but surely towards less and less predictable occurances sometimes wrecking havoc unaticipated by humans whose homes and industries are ravaged and lives a re lost. It is a reality and it is here to stay and grow with us in time and in space. We can choose to ignore the signs and the warnings provided to us by higly qualified sources or we can stop and take account of our situation and find ways and means to rectify. Slow down, stop wasting, take bold steps to minimize and reduce what needs to be and can be reduced so that conservation spirit can take hold of our psyche. Look around us and decide to be involve in the care and and well being of the environment and stop being insensitive towards issues that may not involve us directly but matters in the long and collective term for the the planet as a whole.

We are not the only creatures that share this planet perhaps in thinking of others we can bring ourselves to slow down and stop the uncaring and wastage.

Do you feel it when its there?

Your feelings about how things are manifesting is of more value than just knowing whether it is about something great or something negative that is about to take place in the near future. It is like climbing a mountain and feeling like you are almost there but no quite yet and the going is often the hardest at this juncture and the urge to give up is a breath away. Then you feel the change, the ground at your feet seemed alot more friendlier and easier to thread and the qweight on pulling you down from your shoulders seems to lift off and you feel light. Your sense of defeat and loss slowly but surely seems to evaporate from your mind leaving behind a sense of ' lightness of Being' where nothing seems to matter anymore but the sense of arriving at your destination your hidden goal, that elusive dream, that peace of mind.
This morning after standing and cutting carrots and onions and potatoes for my cousin's catering business I felt like my back was about to finaly give in and collapse. I told a lady friend who was in charge of cleaning the chicken about it and she said that the angel of death is making curtersy calls at my door according to Mthe Malays' believe. That means i am about to kick the bucket i asked her, yep, she answered smiling. Great! I told hwer i am going home and make me a large welcome sign for the angel. I am more than ready to leave this scene as it is becoming too mundane and somewhat painfully boring. My body is getting tired of this wandering and my mind is saturated with justifications that does not convince anymore of my existance. She asked me if i am prepared to take that step beyond into the next phase, the after life. I told her more than so, I may not be a candidate for heaven without fist paying my dues for the faults I have had in this life but i am more than willing to give up whatever it is that is left for me to discover of who or what i am in the first place or what is my reason for being born.
I meant every word i said this morning and if by chance my wish were to come true so be it. My children are grown up now even if they are still under my care but they will survive and find their own ways in continuing on without me and my wife is beyond care as she is now in her own world of catatonic existance. Life for me is making less and lesser sense as the world around me is slowly crumbling through my own ignorance and dellusions, I hate going on making tha same old errors and learning little from it. Whats the meaning of life if one is no more relevant and everyday seems to drag one deeper into the quagmire of irrelevancies.
What a man needs in these times of self doubt and defeatism is a good wake up call, not a negative but a positive shot of the smallest hope of seeing some form of meaning to one's existance. I have lived life to the fullest of my ability often giving myself a sense of justification for everything that i encounter or attempt at. I have traveled and i have lived in many parts of the world and i have had some great moments in time where life had its elightenment, I am more than greatful for these moments when there was a crack in the darkness spilling light into my conciousness but i am far from contented as I strongly believe that a man's span of time on this planet is worth much more than merely experiencing momentary cracks of lightening in the dead of night. The Gopd given human mind is a far greater instrument than anything ever created or will ever be created and it is a bloody shame to not be able to utilize this gift to the fullest of its potential before the body's wear and tear give way. Even if i live to be a hundred, what good does it do me if I am merely existing, sucking in air and letting out air, consuming and ingesting whatever that is that would keep me alive just for the sake of staying alive.
The Prophet of Islam was said to abhor the consept of Should, Would, aught to, and so forth, and He was right for there is no looking back without making oneself hesitant or doubtfull and nothing is more destructive than self doubt. Now i am writing this while at the USM Gallery Muzeum and its lunch break and the staff has just had their lunch and some are now noisily bashing each other at the game of carom in the back room. On the other side of the wall voices of children floats all over the Museum halls and I am qwritng this piece of nonsense that is pouring out from my heart. My back is still aching and so is my heart whenever i think of my son the pilot's lack of response to my email or my second son's total lack of desire for his schooling. My heart aches when i think of how i am to solve my two children's citizenship status in this country that has been pending for the last eight years since i first applied for their change of citizenship. Who would take care of these things for them if I were to die soon? For me death is a welcome but for them it would mena unresolved issues that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. What am I to do about my wife? Will I ever see her again at all before I go or she goes?

As a believer I am no more afraid of death or dying more so than I am of life itself. It is easy to die and poof! gone, but hell, living takes one hell of an effort if life itself is ever going to be meaningful or worth livng. I will return to my Maker, the Lord of Creation in one form or another this i feel it is a matter of time and place but before my time is up rest assured i will continue on with this blog among other things, just one of my justifications among my other justifications.

Of Rashid the Potriat Artist.

I am at Rashid's studio which is also the Malay Artists' Gallery which is located on Chulia Street annexed to the Masjid Kapitan Kling. Rashid is doing a portrait of someone as he is a portrait artist and a damn good one. He had just completed two pieces of the Sultan of Kedah and his Consort and had received a good price for them from the University Sains Malaysia. I had known Rashid since I had my first solo exhibition at the ABN-AMRO USM Gallery entitled 'HUMIND". Rashid had a studio annexed to the Gallery and we got to know one another after a while. I learned that he was one of the first few Malays Artist who had ventured on to become a full time Artist earning his livlihood through his art works.
I was still struggling back then trying to get my act together and convincing myself that i need to get out of the salary making habit and join the market selling my works and having met Rashid it had helped me alot in making up my mind to become a full time artist myself. It was not an easy decision as I had no other sources of income to see me through at the time especially making sure my two children got their pocket money. Rashid help me to see through my hesitations and gave me all sorts of encouragments till I started selling my first fews pieces at the show.
Our friendship had grown eversince and I have come to have a good respect for my friend who is not only a great artist in his own right but also a warm hearted man who understands the deeper meaning of life and spiriutality without overzealousness. He is capable of mixing with any one from the highly educated and the lowly and is always humble about his talents as an artist.

Return from Terengganu

Drove all night long from Kuala Terengganu to Penang with my two children who were asleep most of the trip. I like driving at night for long distances as it is alot more cooler ans alot less traffic and not so hard on the vehicle good on gas mileage as you do not the air condition. By the grace of God all went smoothly not bad for a Kancil that has been battered front and back not a month ago. The only regret I ahve is that soemwhere along the line someone got into my wallet and removed two hudred Ringgit which left me with only one left to keep all three of us alive for the next few weeks until the next income werever that may come from Wallah wa'Allam.

Having had the opportunity to met up with my friends and relatives in Kuala Terengganu I feel like I have reconnected with my not too distant past having lived there for a number of years while my wife was teaching at KUSZA. This has been one of my ongoing plan in life as my lifestyle dictates that I am a Gypsy, a man without a home and my children may well end up without a country. I take life as i have mentioned earlier as an experiment and an experiment has to have method and a conclusion including datas collected and observations made over a period of time. Thus my effort to move around and continue on keeping and ongoing journal is very much part of the story of my life, not as adventurous as i might had hope for ans sometimes even simply mundane in nature, but it is still an effort at self discovery, getting to know who I am, how far or how near am i from my original intention when I realized i had. To live life to the fullest as an Artist. I accept it that in more than many ways I have failed to be a good father and a good husband, often ebough even a good friend, these are my weaknesses and I have to continue on living from experiences and learn to mend my ways as best i could.

I have almost completed this canvas of life adding and deleting things that matters and those that don't. I keep on making new friends ans learning from them the tricks of the trade in order to survive with my two teenagers. Of myself there is little left to be so excited or worry too much about but my two children's lives are of prime concern ans thus I will go on striving for their sake lest they find at the end of the day that their father was a looser. Me two older sisters have been very supportive of me and my struggles as though they see something in what i am or what my journey in this life is all about. I love them both and am hoping that before they exit this life they will be able to see some measure of success in the way I had chosen to live life. One of my observation having met and enjoyed my relatives and friends like in the good old days is that very little has changed about how people live. The same old problems, the same old routine, the same old joys with very little progress in changes. It seems that there is some comfort in this although when I look at it from my own perspective I know i will not feel the fullfillment of having lived a full life if I too live like this.

Allah is the Ultimate Tester, He disposes of what man proposes but it is man that carve himself out of the block of his destiny creating life, making it more interesting and exciting, challenging and even inspiring. Having acquired knowledge limited as it is, having experienced life no matter how insignificant it may seem, having tasted the fruits success and failures it is imperative that I learn to give back what has been blessed to me from my Lord. To share all my findings and insights with all those who care to read my blog or view my art journals, listen to what i can afford to share with them in person or simply be able to watch how i deal with my day to day living. I do not recommend that me way is any better than the next achiever but I am all I have got and what I have achieved may be something that might help someone else to see what is there for them in dealing with their lives. To not let financial situations dictate how you live is a safe way today for most people but most fall prey to becoming servants of their wealth rather than the master. To frown upon those who do not make the best of their life or opportunities that it has to offer is alot easier than to take their hands in yours and lead them out of their misery even just for a moment in time. To be able to perform one single costructive and creative effort towards the betterment of one self or in others in one say everyday is a goal worthy of a man of knowledge, even if it is this simple act of writing a blog and sharing with humanity an experience or an incident that might let them see something that was not in their conciousness before.

As the Buddha was said to have said, "Don't waste life", for life is more precious than we are let to believe, for only in this human form can man attain his salvation no matter what he is, a Muslim or a Hindu or a Chinese. Even if one does not have faith in any form of religion or spirituality, to practice what is good and diplore what is evil is common to us all and to waste our time in this life without giving it all that we've got and making the best out of what it has to offer is meaningless existance. Wealth an poverty are two sides of a coin and thus they are relative to one another, there is not one without the other. A man may have all the financial security in his life but his virutes may be questionable does not make a walthy man, nor a pauper who lacks the will to better his conditons by any means available to him makes him an elegant beggar. Self discovery means to measure oneself i terms of how far or how near one has arrived at being called 'Al-Insan Kamil' or the perfect man or the wholesome caracter. The journey is that of a seeker seeking ways and means at arriving at His door after being left to wander through this life with all its trials and travailations, removing one veil after another only to be blinded by the next from seeing his objective, this is my journey, this is what I carry in my mind ans in my heart wherever I am.

Terengganu Kite (Kee-te)

On Friday last, my children decided that we had had enough of watching movies on the DVD and the city of Georgetown, and so decided to head for Kuala Terengganu, driving my Kancil, which was completely restored the day before. I was hesitant,  not having much confidence in the ability of the car to travel so far without giving trouble. We made it and had a good time getting here, where I am right now at Fadli's computer shop at the wee hours of the morning, like we used to do in the good old days when I was living at Tok Jembal close to the Telaga Batin Airport. We had just arrived from Tepoh a small town fifteen minutes north of here, after hanging out and having a plate of fried Koay Teow and Nescafe tarik just like we used to do in the good old days. Azhar and Sazman were there,  the group was complete, and the topic was cameras and who or what can take better pictures. Sazman was all out defending Pentax while Fadzli was defending Canon, while Azhar was still contemplating getting a camera, after all these years.
My brother-in-law was taken to the Kuala Lumpur Cancer Care Unit yesterday, and I had the good chance of silently communicating through our touch. I held his hand while meditating deeply and felt the tiny squeezes he applied to my fingers clasped in his bony fingers. I felt his presence, although his eyes were closed like one in a coma. We had a long conversation in my mind. It felt as though we were carrying on a normal conversation after a while, and I noticed every time my mind lost its focus on our connection, I would feel his squeeze of my fingers! It was quite an experience having sat there holding his bony fingers while my mind was empty of thoughts, but just feeling what was going on, it made my journey worthwhile.
Tomorrow is the wedding day for my friend Hashim's daughter at his house in Pulau Duyong, and I look forward to the event as Noor is like my own daughter from the days when I was giving the kids from around the area free tuition in English. Most of the kids from the Pulau Duyong area still call me Sir. I am staying at the Yellow House a group of shanties built on water and run by Awi or Aboh, as we all call him. There are not too many occupants at the Yellow House despite the SUKMA Games going on in Terengganu at the moment. The games are being held at the newly constructed stadium complex located near the airport right in front of the house that my family and I rented when we first moved back to Terengganu. I have only driven by but have not entered the facility, it looks quite an architecture from far, like a superdome from somewhere in the USA.
No doubt Terengganu is fast changing in appearance most for the better except for unfinished road constructions which is not in sync with the big SUKMA event going on where Malaysians from all over the country have converged here to enjoy the school vacation away from home and at the same time be a part of a National event. Terengganu had rarely suffered from traffic jams but the past few days and nights the roads have been a nightmare to drive. However, despite the dusty roads and traffic jams, the vehicles came from all over, judging from their number plates. It is a great event for the Terengganu folks who have never really enjoyed such a major event in sports held in a most updated state-of-the-art stadium and various other sports facilities. It is something to be proud of. It is just hoped that after this event the facility will continue to be fully utilized by the locals.
Unlike the Crystal Mosque and Islamic complex built on the bank of the Terengganu River, the Stadium complex is more popular among the local community it is not seen as a waste of their tax money. The Crystal Mosque and the Islamic heritage complex, the brainchild of the former Menteri Besar, Dato Idris Jusoh is being boycotted by most of those i have spoken to here. Most have not been to see the mosque as yet unless forced to take their visiting relatives from other of the country, those who have read about it or saw it on TV. I have taken a trip to the mosque when I came here a last month and my first impression as to its architectural design was that it gave me a sterile feeling. It does not blend well with the landscape of the area like a magic kingdom of Disneyland built out in the wild. As you drive along the Sultan Mahmud Bridge heading north out of town you can get a good view of its splendor from a distance and from this view, the mosque and its adjacent complex appear out of the ordinary, especially at sunset.
I have no idea when my kids and I would head on back to Penang but so far I must say I am glad we made the trip as my children got to be with their old friends and I get to be with mine. A lot of memories is triggered everywhere we go here, and most of these and been good memories especially it reminded us of Nancy my wife who lived here for at least six years of her life until she fell ill. Today, sadly enough she is vegetating away in a nursing home in Illinois, USA. Karim, my son is staying at his adopted parents' home at teh Army barracks in Telaga Batin,  and Marissa is at Mohd.. Rafi's and they are both happy to be where they are at.