Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Read at your own peril.

Woke up this morning feeling like my old friend, depression, creeping into my consciousness. I felt all the symptoms of anger, despair, low self esteem and the works seeping into my aching body wondering if I could survive this morning attacks. So I sat. I sat and watched and asked all the pertinent questions as to why I felt so low in form and energy and what was making me feel like I have arrived at an impasse. I watched as the mind slipped from one thought to another often avoiding the real issues or answering to the immediate questions and I had to draw it back towards what was at hand. I kept an 'open mind' or detached from making any judgment calls as thoughts arises and slipped away, taking note of the relevant answers closely related to what I had intentionally asked of myself. Yes my mind likes to play the denial games of avoidance and I have to keep on being aware of gathering it back into focus on the issues ta hand like making a child pay attention to his teacher.

The answers I got after an hour of sitting was nothing worth bragging about except that I realized that I had at least become free from the depressive and negative sway that i had woke up with. I looked at the house plants and     they told me they should be watered and I looked at my two cats and they told me to check if their food and water were made available and I checked my tummy and felt hunger. I found no mind blowing answers but I found that I need no answers other than just taking care of what needed to be done in the here and now. I needed no justifications except to allow for comes next to happen effortlessly: I needed to take a long cold shower.

Yes, I also found out that I need to change the situation that I am in right now but I also learn as from the past that it too will happen and has to happen effortlessly when the time is ripe. This morning I will continue to keep doing my chores and enjoy the quiet and solitary space that i have created for myself and not feel like something is lacking in my life. I learned as i have often learned in the past that there is no escape from these rise and fall of negative thoughts and feelings and that all I have to do is watch them like I would watch clouds come and go in a clear and empty blue sky. In short i have to learn to let go. I learned that i have to make the best of this peace and quiet and allow myself to further explore deep into my inner being, my subconscious. I may not be able to stop the rise and fall of negative or positive thoughts but I can watch and learn and perhaps gain a better insight into the nature of my feelings and perhaps curb my depressive moods in the bud. It is said that we live and learn and sometimes you have to keep on learning over and over till there is nothing left to learn; letting go is never easy once you have attached to the idea that you are who you think you are.

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