The very desire to end desire itself is a desire. I learned this saying of the Buddha sometime in 1979 when i was a student at the University of Wisconsin and happened to come by one of Alan Watts works on Buddhism. I think it was "The Way of Zen," if I am not mistaken and this thought stuck with me ever since. I never wanted to be converted into Buddhism or Islam or any of the religions of the world but I had an insatiable curious mind and perhaps still do about spirituality, I needed answers beyond what the ancient texts and holy scriptures talk about. I needed to hold the Buddha or God by the neck or they mine and demand the truth to life, at least mine, like how come it has been so fucked up! The answers are not forthcoming and nor am I anywhere near to finding enlightenment and there were times when i decided to throw in the towel and call it quit; enough is enough.
Then I come to realize that what am to do otherwise. If I stop asking and looking for answers where would that lead me to do with my free time at 70? Work in my garden? Don't have one. Clean my back yard? Don't have that either. My travelling days are limited now due to circumstances of my life situation and financial constraints. Hang out with friends like in the old days getting stoned now and then and chatting away about nonsense, I find this to be repetitive and most have not changed for any significant better. Posting my thoughts on a daily basis like writing my diary or notes to myself is the only thing that is worth doing for now, at the very least I am still on the road to find out keeping my mind busy and at bay from useless non productive and often negative thoughts. Perhaps I have become a story teller of my never ending story in an effort to justify my existence, knowing fully well that I can never convince, not even to myself.
As the world is spiraling down towards self destruction and my life is winding down towards the grave hole, at the very least i have made an effort in discovering who I truly am and that my life's journey is not that bad after all. Sure i made allot of errors and fell along the roadside many times but i got up and I took on the bull by the horns. Along the way I have proven myself that there is not much that I have tasted of what life has to offer and
the show must go on...the story is never ending even when I am dead and gone. If and when my Maker ask me what I have done with all the years I have been alive I might just tell Him to read my Blog, but off course He has already as He helped me to write it all down; predestined.
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