In the Windmill of my mind.

I am Whole. What exactly does it mean, I am Whole? I am the Unified Truth of all there is and all that will ever be. I am the ultimate collective consciousness of the Universe, I am Complete  and Perfect, I am not born nor am I ever deceased, I am Strong and Powerful. Loving and Compassionate, Harmonious and Happy : I can do what I will to do... Insha Allah...God willing.
I am That...I Am. 

A thing or two I learned from the Abbot, Tenshin Reb Anderson during the early eighties  that comes to mind is about the tendency to exaggerate one's  Dharma position to the outside world. Well he did not say exactly in this words, but it impressed  as a good lesson to not forget. Who was Reb Anderson? Well google it. San Francisco Zen Center Web Page etc. A story he told about himself growing up in the Bay Area was when he found a gun while jogging in the Golden Gate Park.  Was there a body too, can't remember, but, he kept it! Did not turn it in to the cops, but, just kept the darn thing and it haunted him, until he met Shunryu Suzuki Roshi who helped him to become who he was when i sat and listened to his Dharma talk at the Wheelwright Center of the Green Gulch Zen Center in 1983-4, can't remember. 

For those who have been following this blog over the years would understand better of what I had so far written. The first opening paragraph was my long time mantra, affirmations I had been reciting to myself since I learned about it at the age of 25. What I just written if taken out of context or misunderstood can cause a great deal of backlash for me as a Muslim; it is blasphemous. The very reason it closes with God Willing, is to allay any sense of attachment to the ego making the claim to be God. This is the exaggeration that Abbot of the SF, Zen Center was talking about to my understanding. The 'auto suggestion' or the mantra I have been hammering into my conscious and subconscious mind sounds like an exaggeration in an effort to hone the mind into a very sharp instrument of dissection and penetration, of analysis omnipresent, and omni science. In other words, scatter your wealth just because you have it; hold back some, be thrifty in sharing your knowledge, lest you be frowned upon as a braggart. 

Your intentions may be good, but your skillful means has yet to be worked upon; your delivery system has to be perfected for an impeccable sharing of your insights into the nature of who you truly are.You cannot go outside and claim, "Hey! I am the Buddha!, The enlightened One, The One who has broken free from this round of Birth-Death and Rebirth, I am The Awakened One! No Sir, you definitely don't want to yell it on the mountain to let your people go! No, it is not cool  in this day and age, Zen or otherwise. This would definitely be construed as an exaggeration. Too much drama and becoming a cliche, too many Gurus and self claimed Roshis floating around on the Zafutan already. Everyone is giving Satsangs and Dharma talks, meditation and yoga retreats, it's  business is booming out there..write a book about it! You publish one or two books on the subject and you become the sought after Roshi. I am just drifting, letting my mind explore all the possibilities and probabilities  as to who I am and where or what I have been or will become for that matter. Where will these all leads to or where my final destination will be is yet still to be envisioned and formalized into a reality. I am still riding the buffalo  while looking for it as being lost, 

In my short nap a few hours ago I dreamed that I sat before a hosts of Teachers and Roshi from the past present and maybe one or two from time yet to happen. Mooji and Satguru, Ram Dass and Neem Karoli Baba was present, Alan Watts and Krishnamurti was present. I was sitting before my Mentors and Zen Teachers; my Malay, Chinese and Indian school teachers, everyone was present or so I felt. I felt gratefulness and special to have had so many great
Beings in my life that had lighted my path all along. especially through my darkest moments. Whether it was through books or an interpersonal level, whether it was through the yoga lessons or the TED Talks, I have been blessed to have opportunity to be present to learn whatever relevant lessons I could and add on to my personal enquiries of where or who or what I am.This is my Koan, my Mondo as some calls it, my search for the truth, reality or what have you. This is what it is like in the Windmill of my mind.