Digging my own grave.

After airing out the most cruddiest portion of my childhood life, I felt like i have done a marathon run across the 12 km. Penang Bridge and back. Well, at least my mind has been left with a vacuum state that makes me feel like a fish out of the water gasping for air in order that it may still have something to survive on for the next few days. I could not get myself to write and everytime i tried all the guilts came pouring out like worms out of a can that has long been left fermenting.I  have dug the deepest into my past as i dared to and share most of what i could afford to, the rest are too incriminating or sensitive and will most probably be buried with me when this is all over with. My intention is to come clean as clean as possible with myself before i have to come clean with my Maker. If i cannot make sense of my life as it has been all along how can i make sense when the game is over.

This what is meant by creating Karma to destroy karma, it is a revision of all that has been in order to pass the final exam when the time comes; a reassessment of your identity. It is also a process of unloading my excess baggage, uprooting my deep rooted karmas, in the effort to make sense out of nonsense. This process has been going on ever since I have decided to look within me instead of finding the answers without and i am not claiming that it has been the most successful thus far. Anyone who has been following this Blog would by now come to realize that it is more like a broken record that  keeps repeating itself, the needle having been stuck in one groove and needs to be nudged every now and then to move along with the songs. However it can also be observed that each repeating circle, evolution or events and dramas becomes more acute and more wider in range and depth, like an archeology dig that keeps discovering larger cities beneath the first layer.

It is said that as one keeps peeling the onion layer upon layer, one keeps shedding more and more bitter tears and at the end one discovers nothing is left to discover or cry about; it was all for nothing. However to keep peeling one must in order that the truth to this nothingness can be revealed, for so long as there are hidden layers yet to be unveiled there will always be lingering doubt making the truth incomplete. Hence if one has to cut open the belly and pour out one;s guts like committing sepuku or hara kiri, then one has to in order that the truth one seeks is impeccable and completely a pure truth and nothing but. This is indeed a tall order as tall as the Samurai warrior's choice to die by his own hands rather than admit total defeat and dishonor. A true journey of self discovery is not for the faint hearted nor for one who is not committed; it is a journey or self annihilation,

Last night I watched a Hindi movie downloaded by my son called, 'Hotel Salvation', if i am not mistaken. It was about an elderly man who realized that his time to die had arrived and wanted to die on the banks of the River Ganges in Varanasi where it is considered the holiest place in India. He urged his son to make the trip with him, his son a salary man busy with his work and constantly on the phone like most salary men. It is a story of their journey together where they came to discover about life and death and about themselves and their relationship as father and son and with others. It was indeed food for thought for me as the elderly father was about my age and his son who was about as old as my number one and much the same in character. I cannot imagine asking my first born to accompany me to Mecca to die, he would flip! Not in this lifetime ,Dad! Funny what a marriage can do to one, it seems to rob one out of one's intelligence and turns an intelligent man into a dork, to use one of my son's favorite name when he calls me out.